Just like a hairy black potato with wings
September 30, 2016 8:49 PM   Subscribe

Let's close out Happy Fun September with the heretofore unknown parts of the creation story.
posted by drlith (65 comments total) 65 users marked this as a favorite
 
Heh. Emus are not just haystacks with legs, but also won a war with Australia.

This is the major reason Australia is not allowed to join NATO.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:11 PM on September 30, 2016 [9 favorites]


Nice finish!
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:01 PM on September 30, 2016 [1 favorite]


Oh, thank you for the laugh, God!
posted by eggkeeper at 10:22 PM on September 30, 2016


This is the major reason Australia is not allowed to join NATO.

That and being as far as possible from the North Atlantic.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 10:45 PM on September 30, 2016 [9 favorites]


For the purpose of this joke, it's the emus.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:54 PM on September 30, 2016 [27 favorites]


How could this not have been posted before? Yeah, though--fucken hilarious. I can't read more than 5 or 6 in a row without actual convulsive laughter. So good.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 11:10 PM on September 30, 2016 [2 favorites]


I am pretty sure the platypus was made at the last possible moment trying to use up spare parts before the deadline. Honestly, I could have been worse; we could've ended up with the Double-Beaked Mallard or the Beaver-Tailed Rhino, and who would have believed that?
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:34 AM on October 1, 2016 [3 favorites]


The thing about octopi isn't the tentacles, the chromatophores, and the ink, or even the detachable hectocotylus, it's the poisonous beak. I mean, who ordered that?
posted by cstross at 3:02 AM on October 1, 2016 [7 favorites]


So, this particular style of conversational, surreal, short-form hilarity was either invented by, or is at least very much inspired by, Mallory Ortberg, right?
posted by cilantro at 3:13 AM on October 1, 2016 [8 favorites]


Cilantro- I'm pretty sure that style was invented by parents:
Kid: why is the sky blue?
Mom: Um... (Crap! wavelengths, prisms?) God ran out of red.
Kid: why?
Mom: Because angels are lazy.
posted by SyraCarol at 4:04 AM on October 1, 2016 [6 favorites]


I mean, who ordered that?

Um... me. It was supposed to go on the Irish Elk, but it was misdelivered. This is why the Irish Elk died out -- not enough poison.

I still feel pretty bad about it, even though it wasn't actually my fault, unlike the pandas. Sorry.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:09 AM on October 1, 2016 [5 favorites]


[the kangaroo]

God: Take a mouse, right, and give it huge feet so it can bounce around.
Angel: Aw, that sounds kind of cute.
God: Now make it, like, six feet tall.
posted by Faint of Butt at 4:43 AM on October 1, 2016 [16 favorites]


[the elephant]

God: Nose arm!
Angel: ...
God: Nose. Arm.
posted by Faint of Butt at 4:57 AM on October 1, 2016 [31 favorites]


God: ok let's do another bug
Angel: again?
God: yeah, but this time huge claw hands
Angel: k...
God: and this one is delicious
Angel: delicious to...?
God: people, people. But it lives in the ocean, so good luck catching them, amirite?
Angel: lol
God: haha yeah, call 'em lolsters
Angel: did you say lobsters?
God: yeah, that's fine I gtg
posted by Rock Steady at 5:39 AM on October 1, 2016 [9 favorites]


God: Like a big water bird, but give him a fanny pack for a neck.
Angels:
God: Trust me, it's going to look great on a license plate.
posted by newdaddy at 5:39 AM on October 1, 2016 [5 favorites]


God: take a deer.
Angel: with you so far
God: but instead of horns, leetle nubs
Angel: aww
God: now stretch it 800% but just vertically
Angel:
Angel: are you ok?
posted by Rock Steady at 5:43 AM on October 1, 2016 [12 favorites]


God: It's just like a regular tree.
Angel: Ok, we've got plenty of trees, what's so special about this one?
God: Instead of sap, fill this one up with pancake syrup.
posted by jenkinsEar at 5:51 AM on October 1, 2016 [37 favorites]


God: Ok, take a horse
Angel: Yep.
God: When did you start saying, "Yep?"
Angel: What?
God: Never mind. So, the horse. Cover it in dazzle camouflage.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:01 AM on October 1, 2016 [16 favorites]


God: Get another deer.
Angel: It's getting kinda late.
God: Deer!
Angel: *sighs*
God: OK, put it on really long spindly legs
Angel: Done. Hey I think I hear someone calling for me.
God: Now sting its nose with like 500 bees
Angel:
Angel: That's gonna make it really mad.
God: *chuckles*
posted by leotrotsky at 6:08 AM on October 1, 2016 [3 favorites]


cilantro: it's a "weird twitter" thing, and I think the format restrictions of twitter make it inevitable. Ortberg probably picked it up on twitter.
posted by idiopath at 6:17 AM on October 1, 2016 [2 favorites]


God: This bottle's almost empty, one more!
Angel: *weeps quietly*
God: Gimme an ape.
Angel: OK
God: Lose the hair.
Angel: Yech.
God: Make it really smart.
Angel: Done.
God: Now make it an asshole.
Angel: ...
posted by leotrotsky at 6:21 AM on October 1, 2016 [37 favorites]


God: OK, let's try another beetle.
Angel: Really? We have a million kinds of beetles already.
God: BEETLE! BEETLE BEETLE BEETLE! EVERYTHING ELSE IS A BEETLE!
posted by jenkinsEar at 6:22 AM on October 1, 2016 [17 favorites]


Inordinate fondness, indeed.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:23 AM on October 1, 2016 [8 favorites]


God: ...but this beetle really loves poop.
Angel: Poop?
God: Yea, can't get enough of it, rolls it into a little ball, takes it everywhere.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:24 AM on October 1, 2016 [18 favorites]


God: Gimme a lizard with a huge tongue
Angel: okay...
God: Put a sticky suction cup at the end
Angel: Of the lizard or the tongue?
God: Just do it!
Angel: Dude...
God: Now make it invisible
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 6:29 AM on October 1, 2016 [16 favorites]


It's 8:54 a.m. and my day started pretty poorly. Thank you, drlith for turning it around and thank you MeFites for one-upping the link in the comments. I face is now sore from laughing instead of frowning.
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 6:56 AM on October 1, 2016 [3 favorites]


> So, this particular style of conversational, surreal, short-form hilarity was either invented by, or is at least very much inspired by, Mallory Ortberg, right?

It's also kind of a Weird Twitter style, but the trope dates back to Dave Barry's heyday, Bob Newhart's standup routines, and probably much further back.

Ortberg is a true master of the form though, there is no argument.
posted by ardgedee at 7:24 AM on October 1, 2016 [6 favorites]


God: "Okay, start with a bird..."
Angel: "Bird. Gottit."
God: "And, uh... I dunno, plump it up a lot. Make it pretty damn fat."
Angel: "Fat."
God: "And, uh..."
Jesus [shouting from the TV room next door to the home office]: "MAKE IT DELICIOUS."
God: "Yeah, run with that. Make it delicious."
Angel: "Which part?"
God: "All of it."
Angel: "What about the gross bits? The feet? The unfertilized spawn?"
God: "All of it."
posted by ardgedee at 7:35 AM on October 1, 2016 [11 favorites]


Now that I think about it, The writing duo of Lily Tomlin and Jane Wagner is another member in the pantheon of conversational absurdity.
posted by ardgedee at 7:45 AM on October 1, 2016 [3 favorites]


G: remember that triceratops?
A: sure, they were great.
G: gimme a new one, but just one horn this time. A one-a-tops.
A: like this?
G: no not on its forehead do it on its nose
posted by solotoro at 8:07 AM on October 1, 2016 [5 favorites]


Angel: "What about the gross bits? The feet? The unfertilized spawn?"

Damnit! The one thing, the one thing that freaks me out is eggs. I mean like I will sit down and give Cool Hand Luke a run for his money as long as I don't think too deeply about it, but the moment I start actually considering what an egg is and where it comes from? Panic attack!

Hell, I love fish eggs. Give me a big bowl of fish egg soup and I am in heaven, but the second I start thinking of the millions of fish babies I am destroying? Ugh. Ruined!
posted by Literaryhero at 8:08 AM on October 1, 2016 [2 favorites]


(thanks, Obama!)
posted by Literaryhero at 8:08 AM on October 1, 2016 [1 favorite]


God: Let's get like a giant water pillow.
Angel: OK?
God: It needs a dragon's skull!
Angel: OK??
God: And it should sweat sunscreen!!
Angel: ...
posted by Literaryhero at 8:12 AM on October 1, 2016


the moment I start actually considering what an egg is and where it comes from? Panic attack!

Wait'll you hear about honey!
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:23 AM on October 1, 2016 [4 favorites]


Angel: Look what I made, its got a stem and a little cap and it's delicious.
God: Cool, I like it. Scatter them all over the forests. Millions of 'em.
Angel: (feeling so proud) Thanks God!
God: Make 95% of them deadly poisonous.
Angel: ... son of a...
posted by pixlboi at 8:31 AM on October 1, 2016 [27 favorites]


God: So I'm thinking that the place it pees out of should also be how it makes babies. For both of them!
Angel:...
God: Actually, make the babies come out of there too!
posted by jenkinsEar at 8:46 AM on October 1, 2016 [6 favorites]


G: I want another big cat.
A: we've already got a bunch. What will make this one different? Stripes?
G: nah.
A: spots?
G: no, not this time.
A: so, just... plain?
G: yeah
G: wait no put a whole fuckin buncha hair on his neck
posted by solotoro at 8:57 AM on October 1, 2016 [10 favorites]


God: Artichoke anteater
Angel: what
God: You heard me. Make an anteater from an artichoke.
Angel:
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 9:27 AM on October 1, 2016 [12 favorites]


So lawyers were created before pigeons?
posted by Obscure Reference at 9:35 AM on October 1, 2016 [3 favorites]


Angel: Hey boss, you kinda went overboard on the little buzzy flying things.
God: No prob, let's even it up. Something that eats... uh, what'd I call 'em?
Angel: The flying things? Says here, "flies".
God: Ugh, not my best day. Take a memo, we'll outsource naming, ok?
Angel: Got it.
God: Where was I? Right. Eats flying bugs. Give it a big mouth.
Angel: Check.
God: Big, I mean massive. And scary too. Big spiky things all around the mouth.
Angel: Gotcha. Really means business.
God: Yeah, no mistake. Lightning fast reflexes, too. Nothing gets out.
Angel: Now you're talking.
God: Doesn't just eat the little buggers, dissolves 'em. Say, over a week or more.
Angel: Seems a little cruel, but...
God: Oh, and make it a plant.
Angel: A... plant?
God: Yeah, roots an' stuff. Can't go anywhere.
Angel: Something that can't move that eats something that can fly?
God: Can't make it too easy on 'em, right?
posted by GhostintheMachine at 9:51 AM on October 1, 2016 [8 favorites]


So lawyers were created before pigeons?

This is misinformation; according to Creation Today Satan's fall from heaven didn't happen until "maybe about one hundred years" after the creation of earth.
posted by howfar at 10:04 AM on October 1, 2016 [5 favorites]


Angel: I worked forever on the flowers, but I think they turned out pretty, right? Kinda delicate?
God: Hm.
Angel: .
God: .
Angel: .
God: Okay, so, constructive criticism -- the flowers need to be way smaller than that. And you can lose the petals. In fact, just make it pollinated by flies. Don't need petals for flies.
Angel: Okay. . . .
God: We'll get the flies to pollinate it by making the whole thing smell like a rotting horse.
Angel: .
God: And then put the flowers on a gigantic dick.
Angel: Okay, so "gigantic" like a foot long?
God: Bigger. Enormous monster plant cock. Bigger than an entire human. Ten feet tall. And make all the individual flowers look like dicks too. Just cover the damn thing in dicks. Dicks and flies and death.
Angel: *silent weeping*
God: In a big ruffly burgundy toilet.
posted by Spathe Cadet at 10:21 AM on October 1, 2016 [26 favorites]


So lawyers were created before pigeons?

Don't ask theological questions unless you really really want the answers. That's my advice.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:24 AM on October 1, 2016 [4 favorites]


Angel: OK, I have all these venomous toads. Where do you want them?
God: Australia.
Angel: But that's where the venomous snakes are...
God: Australia.
Angel: Really? But they've also got the venomous sea life.
God: AUSTRALIA!
Angel: Alright, alright.
Angel: They're in place what's next?
God: That place needs a venomous mammal.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:32 AM on October 1, 2016 [19 favorites]


God: I like that sort of rodent-y teddy bear thing you came up with.
Angel: Thanks, I...
God: Now make it angry all the time. Like just fucking furious.
Angel: Wait, I think...
God: Angry all the time. And give it ass-armor.
Angel: ...
God: And make it poop cubes.
Angel: Poop what?
God: CUBIC. POOP.


Angel: So you want an otter, with a duck's face, that lays eggs.
God: Correct on all points.
Angel: Doesn't that seem kind of ridiculous? I mean, I'm pretty sure people are going to think it's just a bit silly.
God: They won't when they find out about the poisoned knees.
Angel: What?
God: What?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:47 AM on October 1, 2016 [10 favorites]


Terrifying leg-bug! Go!

Giant land-bug that eats coconuts! Go!

Asshole mammal-fish! Go!

Giant asshole turkey-giraffe! Go!


Angel: This is the worst improv class I have ever taken.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:25 AM on October 1, 2016 [15 favorites]


Angel: So, I think we've got 'Duck' pretty squared away. Webbed Feet, Bill, Feathers. If you'll just sign here.
God: One thing.
Angel: Son of a -
God: Giant Penis. Giant Corkscrew Penis. Like over a foot long.
Angel: Um, I don't know if --
God: With barbs. Big fuckin barbs on it.
Angel:
God: Fuckin metal.
Angel: What's in that bottle you're drinking?
God: You want dick barbs? Cause that's how you get dick barbs.
posted by percor at 12:38 PM on October 1, 2016 [16 favorites]


If all new internet content was solely composed of these, I would happily continue paying Centurylink to suck many hundreds of dollars a month from my bank account.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 2:00 PM on October 1, 2016 [2 favorites]


God: So checkit, got a big brown fuzzy ball with a smaller fuzzy ball for a head, fuzzy round nose, fuzzy round ears...
Angel: omg so cute I love it
God: Yeah. I'm thinking a quarter ton or so, and make its hands out of knives so it can compulsively murder its own young.
posted by qbject at 2:17 PM on October 1, 2016 [2 favorites]


G: Hey, those dinosaurs were fun, weren't they?
A: Yeah, all mean and reptilian and dominating. Why don't we do that again?
G: We should, but this time smaller and fluffier. Angrier, and yet more social.
A: K...Do all the new fluffy dinosaurs fly?
G: Mostly, so no jaws.. too cumbersome.
A: But what if they're herbivores, like a goose, say.
G: Fuck 'em, they wouldn't be so angry if they could chew.
...
A: so i got another fluffy dinosaur, He came out a bit bleached, so I gave it a sometimes-mohawk and creepy ass lizard feet.
G: Cool, give one to Iggy, see if he likes it.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 3:23 PM on October 1, 2016 [3 favorites]


So I'm thinking that the place it pees out of should also be how it makes babies. For both of them!

Q: How can you tell that God is a civil engineer?
A: Who else would run a sewer through a recreational area?
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 3:29 PM on October 1, 2016 [5 favorites]


I think you'll find that the greatest masterpiece of the genre is this tweet.
posted by nerdfish at 4:16 PM on October 1, 2016 [13 favorites]






God: "Tired of birds. What else is on the agenda."
Angel: "We have more mammals to do..."
God: "Right. Okay, Make this one pretty bony on top and blobby on the underside. Spindly legs. Like it could be topheavy but isn't."
Angel: "Horns?"
God: "Dunno. I guess. Some of them. Handlebars, little nubbins, nothing at all. Mix it up."
Angel: "Anything else?"
Jesus [watching TV]: "MAKE IT DELICIOUS."
God: "Yeah, we got a riff going. Make it delicious."
Angel: "All of it? Even the excretions?"
God: "Especially the excretions."
posted by ardgedee at 5:24 PM on October 1, 2016 [1 favorite]


(I really like the Jesus-watching-TV sub theme.)
posted by wenestvedt at 8:26 PM on October 1, 2016 [2 favorites]


But the best one was the dog one... Sniff.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 8:31 PM on October 1, 2016 [7 favorites]


I also think the dog one is the best one. Though the "evil bag" one is a close second.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 10:47 PM on October 1, 2016 [2 favorites]


God: Hey, give me twelve potatoes.

Angel: Uh...I only have nine.

God: (S*uupSOI(F*

Angel: ...
posted by Joseph Gurl at 12:42 AM on October 2, 2016


God: I need an angel over here, pronto!

*crickets*

God: I said pronto!

Angel: Okay, okay, I'm coming.

God: What took you so long? Do you have any idea who I am?

Angel: I was taking a dump, if you must know.

God: Whoa, tmi.

God: Anyway, my back is itchy.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 12:44 AM on October 2, 2016 [1 favorite]


God: Sup?

Angel: Um, we were going to do some work, remember?

God: Oh, right. The flora and fauna.

Angel: Yeah, that shit.

God: Okay. So. Make a thing out of water.

Angel: Water. Check.

God: And it should be 80 feet long and super skinny, except for a few big bulges along the way.

Angel: Skinny, bulges. Gotcha.

God: And glue bugs to it.

Angel: You can't glue stuff to water, though, is the thing.

God: Stop with that "is the thing" bullshit. It's fucken annoying.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 12:46 AM on October 2, 2016 [1 favorite]


God: I think I lost something.

Angel 1: Want me to help you look?

Angel 2 (interrupting): What's it look like?

God: It's, um, kinda personal.

Angel 1 (whispering to Angel 2): Do you think it's a vibrator? I bet its a vibrator.

God: I can hear you you fuckstick.

Angel 2 (gleefully): PHRASING!
posted by Joseph Gurl at 12:48 AM on October 2, 2016 [1 favorite]


The very best one of these is somehow in neither the post nor the comments. From @iamspacegirl:
God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny.

Angel *writing*: ants... tiny... got it.

God *suddenly tearing up*: but omg so strong.
posted by cortex at 7:52 AM on October 2, 2016 [14 favorites]


Yeah, should I be the first one to admit that, like a third of these in the thread, I don't get what the animal is supposed to be?

(And Jesus watching TV is great yes. He's probably got a bong in there.)
posted by JHarris at 5:32 PM on October 2, 2016 [2 favorites]


GOD: Hey, Angel
ANGEL: Yes boss
GOD: So... remember we made those ants? I maybe got carried away.
ANGEL: Okay, so, do you want to just do another flood and we can start over?
GOD: No, it's just the ants. Can you make like a vacuum cleaner?
ANGEL: Well..
GOD: No, but like a vacuum cleaner made of meat, and it's furry, and it only sucks up ants. Also it's powered by ants.
ANGEL: Sure thing! Any thoughts on names?
GOD: Nothing fancy, just write what it's for on the plans and I'll come back to it later.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 1:36 AM on October 4, 2016 [4 favorites]


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