Get Jesus on that credit card!
October 4, 2016 12:04 PM Subscribe
At the Holy Land Experience in Orlando, Florida, Jesus is crucified most afternoons around 5 p.m. On the day I visited last fall, things were humming along right on time, if remarkably quickly. Six minutes after the redeemer’s bloodied corpse was carried into the tomb, a shout—“I am alive!”—proclaimed his return. A gold-spangled, virile-looking Jesus emerged from a cloud of smoke to announce that the sick shall be healed, and then kicked off a Hallelujah dance party.
Pix or it didn't happen.
posted by adamrice at 12:14 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by adamrice at 12:14 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
Judging from that bathroom, I wonder how many people decide to take a shit in the actual throne, because that's exactly what the situation demands.
Also, a "Hallelujah dance party" to me is something completely different.
posted by lmfsilva at 12:18 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
Also, a "Hallelujah dance party" to me is something completely different.
posted by lmfsilva at 12:18 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
Ditto what RolandOfEld said. We head down to Disney more and more now that we have a little one and passing that gaudy gold encrusted coliseum thingy on I4 is always worth an eye roll.
The place honestly seems straight out of a Simpsons episode (with Ned Flanders holding an Annual Pass).
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 12:18 PM on October 4, 2016 [10 favorites]
The place honestly seems straight out of a Simpsons episode (with Ned Flanders holding an Annual Pass).
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 12:18 PM on October 4, 2016 [10 favorites]
They really don't get what Jesus actually stood for, do they?
posted by Talez at 12:19 PM on October 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Talez at 12:19 PM on October 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
This place also figured in Bill Maher's "Religulous" a few years ago. I think you can pretty much imagine his reaction to it.
posted by briank at 12:21 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by briank at 12:21 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
"The Satan of the Holy Land Experience is a marvelous creation, kitted out in ripped leather, a tank top, runny eyeliner, chains—very Alice Cooper-goes-to-Florida. Swaggering, serpentine, and campy, he is altogether too appealing to be the great villain in the cosmology of two-billion-plus souls."Yes, John Milton faced the same problem.
posted by octobersurprise at 12:27 PM on October 4, 2016 [35 favorites]
This is pretty much entirely blasphemous.
posted by aramaic at 12:29 PM on October 4, 2016 [15 favorites]
posted by aramaic at 12:29 PM on October 4, 2016 [15 favorites]
This is pretty much entirely blasphemous.
posted by aramaic
Epony-apocryphal!
posted by RolandOfEld at 12:31 PM on October 4, 2016 [21 favorites]
posted by aramaic
Epony-apocryphal!
posted by RolandOfEld at 12:31 PM on October 4, 2016 [21 favorites]
I can handle being out of evens, but this is depleting my Wait... what supply to dangerous levels.
posted by Etrigan at 12:34 PM on October 4, 2016 [18 favorites]
posted by Etrigan at 12:34 PM on October 4, 2016 [18 favorites]
For some reason, I am reminded of my visit to the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, CA. I learned from a statuary group there that the Baby Jesus was apparently chrome-plated. This characteristic seems to have disappeared as he matured. I am puzzled as to why there does not seem to be a major branch of theological study devoted to this miracle.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 12:38 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Kirth Gerson at 12:38 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
dafuq
posted by JohnFromGR at 12:43 PM on October 4, 2016
posted by JohnFromGR at 12:43 PM on October 4, 2016
Jesus riding around on a dirt bike, popping sick wheelies
posted by indubitable at 12:47 PM on October 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by indubitable at 12:47 PM on October 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
"You're not making rock music theme parks better, you're making Christianity worse!"
posted by SansPoint at 12:47 PM on October 4, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by SansPoint at 12:47 PM on October 4, 2016 [14 favorites]
They really don't get what Jesus actually stood for, do they?
You don't get that their God is AWESOME
posted by thelonius at 12:49 PM on October 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
You don't get that their God is AWESOME
posted by thelonius at 12:49 PM on October 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
Didn't Robert Heinlein's book 'Stranger in a Strange Land' pretty much predict this whole scenario?
posted by diode at 12:50 PM on October 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by diode at 12:50 PM on October 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
I really want a My Cup Overflows Refillable Souvenir Cup. Where can I buy one without going to this hell hole?
posted by OrangeDisk at 12:53 PM on October 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by OrangeDisk at 12:53 PM on October 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
"dafuq"
Hebrew word meaning "battered", "hammered", or "messed up."
posted by ocschwar at 12:53 PM on October 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
Hebrew word meaning "battered", "hammered", or "messed up."
posted by ocschwar at 12:53 PM on October 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
I live down the street from it, and pass it every day.
Since it is a non-profit, it has one day a year with free admission. While most times the tourists are not noticeable, on that day it is an absolute madhouse.
I can't find a publishing date on this article, but despite what the author assumes, the park is suffering to some degree. It isn't getting much cash from TBN to cover its operation losses anymore, and they have resorted to auctioning off items.
They put up a massive nativity on the corner of the intersection they sit at. It went up after last Christmas and then disappeared around May of this year. I have wondered if it was auctioned off.
posted by Badgermann at 12:54 PM on October 4, 2016 [7 favorites]
Since it is a non-profit, it has one day a year with free admission. While most times the tourists are not noticeable, on that day it is an absolute madhouse.
I can't find a publishing date on this article, but despite what the author assumes, the park is suffering to some degree. It isn't getting much cash from TBN to cover its operation losses anymore, and they have resorted to auctioning off items.
They put up a massive nativity on the corner of the intersection they sit at. It went up after last Christmas and then disappeared around May of this year. I have wondered if it was auctioned off.
posted by Badgermann at 12:54 PM on October 4, 2016 [7 favorites]
Baby Jesus was apparently chrome-plated.
That looks like the villain from my Terminator/Passion Of The Christ crossover fanfiction which was never supposed to see the light of day.
posted by Itaxpica at 12:56 PM on October 4, 2016 [9 favorites]
That looks like the villain from my Terminator/Passion Of The Christ crossover fanfiction which was never supposed to see the light of day.
posted by Itaxpica at 12:56 PM on October 4, 2016 [9 favorites]
You don't get that their God is AWESOME
I'm certainly shaking my head in awe at the whole business...
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:56 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm certainly shaking my head in awe at the whole business...
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:56 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
Also, did somebody say "a gold-spangled, virile-looking Jesus emerging from a cloud of smoke"?
posted by Itaxpica at 12:58 PM on October 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Itaxpica at 12:58 PM on October 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
Imagining a Westworld spinoff set in this place. Where suddenly it really IS Jesus, and he's not happy.
posted by dnash at 12:58 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by dnash at 12:58 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
This makes me understand why some Christians are hesitant to use that term and call themselves "followers of Christ" instead; they don't want to be associated with all... that.
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:04 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:04 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
Jesus riding around on a Segway, drinking a Mountain Dew and listening to Kid Rock via earbuds.
posted by Bob Regular at 1:04 PM on October 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Bob Regular at 1:04 PM on October 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
The Satan of the Holy Land Experience is a marvelous creation, kitted out in ripped leather, a tank top, runny eyeliner, chains
Can I have his number?
posted by AFABulous at 1:12 PM on October 4, 2016 [17 favorites]
Can I have his number?
posted by AFABulous at 1:12 PM on October 4, 2016 [17 favorites]
I almost sputtered to a halt at "Yom Kippur Plate." The chutzpah.
posted by uncleozzy at 1:12 PM on October 4, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by uncleozzy at 1:12 PM on October 4, 2016 [11 favorites]
(Shit. I already know what everyone's going to answer.)
posted by AFABulous at 1:12 PM on October 4, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by AFABulous at 1:12 PM on October 4, 2016 [14 favorites]
Perhaps He (aka he) can turn the forthcoming hurricane aside
posted by Postroad at 1:14 PM on October 4, 2016
posted by Postroad at 1:14 PM on October 4, 2016
Perhaps He (aka he) can turn the forthcoming hurricane aside
I don't know; you'd need an awful lot of helium to divert a hurricane...
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:15 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
I don't know; you'd need an awful lot of helium to divert a hurricane...
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:15 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
Jesus riding around on a Segway, drinking a Mountain Dew and listening to Kid Rock via earbuds.
I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt, because it says "I want to be formal, but I'm here to party."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:17 PM on October 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt, because it says "I want to be formal, but I'm here to party."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:17 PM on October 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
(Shit. I already know what everyone's going to answer.)
867-5309? Satan Satan... who can I turn to?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:19 PM on October 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
867-5309? Satan Satan... who can I turn to?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:19 PM on October 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
uncleozzy: I almost sputtered to a halt at "Yom Kippur Plate." The chutzpah.
The original "Nom Kippur lunch box" that was served empty generated too many complaints.
posted by dr_dank at 1:19 PM on October 4, 2016 [13 favorites]
The original "Nom Kippur lunch box" that was served empty generated too many complaints.
posted by dr_dank at 1:19 PM on October 4, 2016 [13 favorites]
Inexplicable, gaudy luxuries are a hallmark of HLE, even in the bathroom.
Well if that golden throne is for The Big Guy, then you're sitting at the left hand of God when you're on the toilet. Which I guess makes sense because Jesus is sitting at God's right hand. So it all looks theologically sound to me.
Now, is that toilet paper parchment, or papyrus?
posted by Kabanos at 1:20 PM on October 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
Well if that golden throne is for The Big Guy, then you're sitting at the left hand of God when you're on the toilet. Which I guess makes sense because Jesus is sitting at God's right hand. So it all looks theologically sound to me.
Now, is that toilet paper parchment, or papyrus?
posted by Kabanos at 1:20 PM on October 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt, because it says "I want to be formal, but I'm here to party."
Would Theme Park Jesus vape?
posted by indubitable at 1:27 PM on October 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
Would Theme Park Jesus vape?
posted by indubitable at 1:27 PM on October 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
In contrast to the subject matter of this post, Holy Land Deli in Minneapolis makes excellent Middle Eastern food, and I very much want some Kufta Kebob right now.
It's not the same from the store, and I don't know how widely available it is, but Costcos as well as regular grocery stores around here carry their hummus and you'd be remiss to not try it if you get the chance.
posted by sparklemotion at 1:28 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
It's not the same from the store, and I don't know how widely available it is, but Costcos as well as regular grocery stores around here carry their hummus and you'd be remiss to not try it if you get the chance.
posted by sparklemotion at 1:28 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
They put up a massive nativity on the corner of the intersection they sit at.
Am I wrong in seeing what looks like some friendly [programmatic] face-bluring by good ole Google Streetview on the Mary in that nativity? That's nice of them.
Which begs the question: Is that Mary? Or is it perhaps an Angel... an Angel farting soap bubbles I think?
posted by RolandOfEld at 1:28 PM on October 4, 2016
Am I wrong in seeing what looks like some friendly [programmatic] face-bluring by good ole Google Streetview on the Mary in that nativity? That's nice of them.
Which begs the question: Is that Mary? Or is it perhaps an Angel... an Angel farting soap bubbles I think?
posted by RolandOfEld at 1:28 PM on October 4, 2016
This is pretty much entirely blasphemous.
On one hand, yes. On the other, the 8PM Judas Iscariot pinata usually has some pretty sweet schwag in it.
*Oh nonexistent god, please let them have a some sort of temple-looking place where I can exchange proper money for Holy Land Experience FunTime ShekelsTM, accepted at all participating vendors.*
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 1:33 PM on October 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
On one hand, yes. On the other, the 8PM Judas Iscariot pinata usually has some pretty sweet schwag in it.
*Oh nonexistent god, please let them have a some sort of temple-looking place where I can exchange proper money for Holy Land Experience FunTime ShekelsTM, accepted at all participating vendors.*
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 1:33 PM on October 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
Jesus and Satan did not BOX.
They WRASSLED.
posted by delfin at 1:35 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
They WRASSLED.
posted by delfin at 1:35 PM on October 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
this will make a fascinating adventure area for 23rd century divers, won't it?
posted by pyramid termite at 1:38 PM on October 4, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by pyramid termite at 1:38 PM on October 4, 2016 [14 favorites]
I would pay serious money to put on Jesus robes and go to town flipping tables in a faux temple and kick some money changer ass.
posted by Karaage at 1:41 PM on October 4, 2016 [19 favorites]
posted by Karaage at 1:41 PM on October 4, 2016 [19 favorites]
I came here to mention the IKEA at the same exit, and , this being Metafilter, of course it's already the first comment.
posted by wittgenstein at 2:00 PM on October 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by wittgenstein at 2:00 PM on October 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
I have vague memories of watching the Passion Play in Eureka Sprinks, Arkansas when I was 8 or so. That spectacle is not as gaudy as this, but... it's gaudy in its own special way. The culminating scene (spoiler alert) sees Jesus emerging from a weak cloud of fog machine smoke to be lifted, clumsily, into the air by a very visible crane pulley. I credit that experience with helping me understand that religion is theater. #UnintendedConsequences
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:00 PM on October 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:00 PM on October 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
Seems to me I vaguely recall being told something back in Sunday school about doing good to and for others being far more important than flaunting wealth just to show off. Imagine how much real good might be done in this world if this kind of religious theme park (and all those blowhard televangilists) used all that gold leaf to get food and medicine to people in need, rather than building yet another overblown temple to their own inflated egos.
posted by easily confused at 2:05 PM on October 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by easily confused at 2:05 PM on October 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
The weird exploitation/admiration of Judaism - I like his description of oily philo-semitism - is so creepy. Like ... who's selling tzitzit and mezuzahs to the Jesus theme park? Blargh. It makes my skin crawl, it's like Sarah Palin wearing a Star of David and all the self-serving Israel love on the far right. However, I do think that the Yom Kippur Plate with collard greens and corn bread kind of fantastic.
posted by ChuraChura at 2:08 PM on October 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by ChuraChura at 2:08 PM on October 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
Needs more Big Butter Jesus.
posted by Fiberoptic Zebroid and The Hypnagogic Jerks at 2:47 PM on October 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Fiberoptic Zebroid and The Hypnagogic Jerks at 2:47 PM on October 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
We have our own version here in Glen Rose, and my parents made me go as a pre-teen. The framing device was a Grandpa tellin' his grandkids 'bout the promise of Jesus and there was probably some other kind of cornpone wisdom and "jokes" that I deliberately do not remember.
I would have loved for a hot gothy demon guy to show up.
But instead I had a bunch of people in third-rate "Biblical times" costumes and a Jesus wearing a tad too much stage makeup as he was cranked up to Heaven on guy wires.
I'm still bitter.
posted by emjaybee at 2:47 PM on October 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
I would have loved for a hot gothy demon guy to show up.
But instead I had a bunch of people in third-rate "Biblical times" costumes and a Jesus wearing a tad too much stage makeup as he was cranked up to Heaven on guy wires.
I'm still bitter.
posted by emjaybee at 2:47 PM on October 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
We have our own version here in Glen Rose, and my parents made me go as a pre-teen. The framing device was a Grandpa tellin' his grandkids 'bout the promise of Jesus and there was probably some other kind of cornpone wisdom and "jokes" that I deliberately do not remember.
I would pay BIG MONEY to attend a Hee Haw Crucifixion of Christ.
Just imagine the four guys on crosses singing "Gloom, Despair, and Agony On Me..."
posted by delfin at 2:55 PM on October 4, 2016 [9 favorites]
I would pay BIG MONEY to attend a Hee Haw Crucifixion of Christ.
Just imagine the four guys on crosses singing "Gloom, Despair, and Agony On Me..."
posted by delfin at 2:55 PM on October 4, 2016 [9 favorites]
Jan Crouch would occasionally grace this bizarre place with her own bizarre shtick but now she is dead I will pass on gracing the Holy Land Theme Park
posted by robbyrobs at 2:56 PM on October 4, 2016
posted by robbyrobs at 2:56 PM on October 4, 2016
I love the smell of I-Hop in the morning.
posted by clavdivs at 3:00 PM on October 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by clavdivs at 3:00 PM on October 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
It never fails to impress me how much modern Christians seem to think the Pharisees are a good role model.
posted by Mental Wimp at 3:05 PM on October 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by Mental Wimp at 3:05 PM on October 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
I like that the Yom Kippur Plate is two parts foods indigenous to the new world (turkey, corn) and one part food that theoretically could actually have been eaten in the time of Christ but is a stereotypical southern dish (collard greens). It's hard to believe it's not the result of dedicated effort to make the most nonsensical meal possible.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 3:27 PM on October 4, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 3:27 PM on October 4, 2016 [9 favorites]
...the park is suffering to some degree.
From the article:
"Holy Land Experience, which is struggling with a sea of red ink..."
I see what you did there.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 3:34 PM on October 4, 2016 [10 favorites]
From the article:
"Holy Land Experience, which is struggling with a sea of red ink..."
I see what you did there.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 3:34 PM on October 4, 2016 [10 favorites]
@Mr.Encyclopedia > It's hard to believe it's not the result of dedicated effort to make the most nonsensical meal possible.
Apparently the bacon cheeseburger and shrimp tempura plate they originally offered didn't keep as well in the Florida heat.
posted by mosk at 3:40 PM on October 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
Apparently the bacon cheeseburger and shrimp tempura plate they originally offered didn't keep as well in the Florida heat.
posted by mosk at 3:40 PM on October 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
Thanks for introducing me to The Baffeler! :)
HLE sounds pretty terrible. I'd buy the Jerusalem model though, if I had the money. I love scale models of cities! Also their Satan sounds like fun!
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 4:04 PM on October 4, 2016
HLE sounds pretty terrible. I'd buy the Jerusalem model though, if I had the money. I love scale models of cities! Also their Satan sounds like fun!
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 4:04 PM on October 4, 2016
I would pay BIG MONEY to attend a Hee Haw Crucifixion of Christ.
Comic: "I crossed some lumber with a carpenter!"
Crowd: "Wha'd ya get?"
Comic: "A gruesome religious symbol!"
*canned laughter; fence picket kicks "comic"
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:13 PM on October 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
Comic: "I crossed some lumber with a carpenter!"
Crowd: "Wha'd ya get?"
Comic: "A gruesome religious symbol!"
*canned laughter; fence picket kicks "comic"
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:13 PM on October 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
Another tax free christian scam? Way too many of them these days. I really feel bad for the poor souls who dish out money on this kind of thing. For what it costs to get into that nightmare, you could go to a museum and actually learn something.
posted by james33 at 3:34 AM on October 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by james33 at 3:34 AM on October 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
sparklemotion: "n contrast to the subject matter of this post, Holy Land Deli in Minneapolis makes excellent Middle Eastern food, and I very much want some Kufta Kebob right now."
Damn it, sparklemotion, now I'm thinking about Holy Land food and I'm going to have to drive downtown again. THANKS.
posted by caution live frogs at 9:29 AM on October 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
Damn it, sparklemotion, now I'm thinking about Holy Land food and I'm going to have to drive downtown again. THANKS.
posted by caution live frogs at 9:29 AM on October 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
Capitalism, Mall of the Millennia on the right, or Jesus on the left. I remember that exit.
posted by PHINC at 11:11 AM on October 5, 2016
posted by PHINC at 11:11 AM on October 5, 2016
Ah, now I'm feeling sweetly nostalgic for all the gloriously horrible tacky glory that is Orlando.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 11:27 AM on October 5, 2016
posted by WalkerWestridge at 11:27 AM on October 5, 2016
Wow, this place is still operating? I thought it closed. Oh well, I'll keep ignoring it on my way to Ikea.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 2:03 PM on October 5, 2016
posted by Kitty Stardust at 2:03 PM on October 5, 2016
Or this alternative (now that nobody's reading this thread anymore...):
Comic: "I crossed some lumber with a carpenter!"
Crowd: "Wha'd ya get?"
Comic: "Saved!"
*canned laughter; etc.
(I can't decide if this one is more funny than my original, or just even more cynical)
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:57 PM on October 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
Comic: "I crossed some lumber with a carpenter!"
Crowd: "Wha'd ya get?"
Comic: "Saved!"
*canned laughter; etc.
(I can't decide if this one is more funny than my original, or just even more cynical)
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:57 PM on October 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
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At least it's not far from Ikea...
posted by RolandOfEld at 12:10 PM on October 4, 2016 [1 favorite]