TDOR
November 20, 2016 9:10 AM Subscribe
I’m not going to call these dark times. These are the palest of times. America is a pile of pale, broken bones, the bones of Black people murdered by police, the bones of immigrants murdered for coming to this country, the bones of children and church-goers and people out trying to have a good time who were brought down by mass shootings, the bones of Muslims murdered for not being Christian, and the bones of trans women murdered for existing in public.
I don’t know how to be hopeful right now, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop writing or working or fighting, and I know everyone at Autostraddle stands firmly with me.
You are beautiful and wonderful and deserve happiness and life and love. We love you and we’re going to keep on working and we’re going to figure out how we can do things that will make real change.
Mey's TDoR essay on Autostraddle
posted by (Over) Thinking at 9:41 AM on November 20, 2016 [8 favorites]
I don’t know how to be hopeful right now, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop writing or working or fighting, and I know everyone at Autostraddle stands firmly with me.
You are beautiful and wonderful and deserve happiness and life and love. We love you and we’re going to keep on working and we’re going to figure out how we can do things that will make real change.
Mey's TDoR essay on Autostraddle
posted by (Over) Thinking at 9:41 AM on November 20, 2016 [8 favorites]
Holding all trans and non-conforming people in the light.
posted by (Over) Thinking at 9:41 AM on November 20, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by (Over) Thinking at 9:41 AM on November 20, 2016 [6 favorites]
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the Transfolk on Mefi for heightening my sensitivity to these issues. I never harbored any real hostility, I just never gave the matter as much thought as I should've, I guess. However, the other day, an otherwise fairly progressive co-worker reffered to transgender people as 'delusional,' and I was surprised at how offended I was and how much it lowered my opinion of the guy*. Between MeFi and getting to know a few trans people personally, I guess my awareness or whatever has grown. So thanks.
*we were at work, so I didn't set him straight the way I might've somewhere else, because I have some problems there already, long story.
posted by jonmc at 10:01 AM on November 20, 2016 [22 favorites]
*we were at work, so I didn't set him straight the way I might've somewhere else, because I have some problems there already, long story.
posted by jonmc at 10:01 AM on November 20, 2016 [22 favorites]
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posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 10:11 AM on November 20, 2016
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 10:11 AM on November 20, 2016
This is my first TDOR as an out trans woman and I have to wonder if it'll also be my last.
This is not a normal time. Things are going to go very bad, very quickly for folks like us.
For those of you who haven't lost anyone yet, look up the names of those who are lost.
It is terrible that this is a day we must observe, but observing it is incredibly important.
Make sure the trans people in your life are doing okay. A lot of us aren't even close to it.
posted by brecc at 11:14 AM on November 20, 2016 [13 favorites]
This is not a normal time. Things are going to go very bad, very quickly for folks like us.
For those of you who haven't lost anyone yet, look up the names of those who are lost.
It is terrible that this is a day we must observe, but observing it is incredibly important.
Make sure the trans people in your life are doing okay. A lot of us aren't even close to it.
posted by brecc at 11:14 AM on November 20, 2016 [13 favorites]
In addition to Trans Lifeline (who are awesome), I think it's worth highlighting Trans Law Help, who are helping people navigate the labyrinthine process of getting their legal documentation and helping match people with donors willing to pay for the fees attached to that. They are awesome people doing awesome work that is really saving lives right now. Even if you can't donate, they could use help documenting and sharing resources.
This is really important right now, since obtaining passports in particular will likely become much more difficult for trans people in the US in January, and other documentation will depend on state courts that range from helpful to increasingly hostile. LGBT rights look likely to remain states rights (if civil rights aren't rolled back federally) for at least another 4 years. Some (like the one I am in) are already proposing anti-trans, anti-LGBT legislature. If you are in a red state, or one of the 11 states that filed a lawsuit against the federal government in opposition to basic courtesy for trans students, the odds are good that you have anti-trans, anti-LGBT bills coming down the pipeline. I'd seriously urge you to check with your relevant LGB/T groups, use your Google Fu, keep on top of this stuff and make noise about it.
On a federal level, we are looking at the First Amendment Defense Act, which "aims to protect people who disagree against LGBTQ people based on their religious beliefs from action by the federal government," having a good shot at being passed, especially since Donald Trump (a FADA supporter) tapped Ken Blackwell (of anti-LGBT hate group Family Research Council fame, who are proponents of FADA) for his transition team.
This is a really, really scary time for many minority groups. The writing is on the wall; bigots are feeling emboldened, many of them are in positions of power, things are likely to get bad. A lot of that badness is probably going to be subtle if you aren't making an effort to look, so it's more important than ever to be aware, reach out, do what you can to help others. We're pretty much all in this together.
posted by byanyothername at 1:09 PM on November 20, 2016 [20 favorites]
This is really important right now, since obtaining passports in particular will likely become much more difficult for trans people in the US in January, and other documentation will depend on state courts that range from helpful to increasingly hostile. LGBT rights look likely to remain states rights (if civil rights aren't rolled back federally) for at least another 4 years. Some (like the one I am in) are already proposing anti-trans, anti-LGBT legislature. If you are in a red state, or one of the 11 states that filed a lawsuit against the federal government in opposition to basic courtesy for trans students, the odds are good that you have anti-trans, anti-LGBT bills coming down the pipeline. I'd seriously urge you to check with your relevant LGB/T groups, use your Google Fu, keep on top of this stuff and make noise about it.
On a federal level, we are looking at the First Amendment Defense Act, which "aims to protect people who disagree against LGBTQ people based on their religious beliefs from action by the federal government," having a good shot at being passed, especially since Donald Trump (a FADA supporter) tapped Ken Blackwell (of anti-LGBT hate group Family Research Council fame, who are proponents of FADA) for his transition team.
This is a really, really scary time for many minority groups. The writing is on the wall; bigots are feeling emboldened, many of them are in positions of power, things are likely to get bad. A lot of that badness is probably going to be subtle if you aren't making an effort to look, so it's more important than ever to be aware, reach out, do what you can to help others. We're pretty much all in this together.
posted by byanyothername at 1:09 PM on November 20, 2016 [20 favorites]
I haven't had trans friends for very long and I don't want to lose any of them.
posted by fleacircus at 1:51 PM on November 20, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by fleacircus at 1:51 PM on November 20, 2016 [10 favorites]
I'm not trans, but I'm definitely genderqueer, with a nonbinary brain in a woman's body. I've really only discovered words for it in the past few years. I've mentioned it here before, but I don't generally talk about it on Facebook, which I feel like is an unsafe space in that regard, or even on Twitter. I'm working on being more visible. It's always been completely easy and natural for me to embrace my friends when they've come out as LGBTQ, but my fear of doing it myself makes me feel hypocritical.
A gay friend of mine wrote and posted a piece on Facebook earlier about a shirt he'd finally decided to wear after owning it for a year and the nervous feeling it gave him, and how it reminded him of a bullying incident from his childhood. As I told him, the fluttery feeling he described wearing it reminded me of the feeling I have when I wear a dress or skirt—self-conscious, wondering if people are staring at it, wondering if I made the right choice to wear it, perpetually that second-grader who wore a new dress to school one day and was so distracted by mentally managing this presentation of femininity that I accidentally walked straight into the boys' bathroom. And that reminded me of how it makes my heart beat just to say it, that I'm genderqueer, on Facebook. But as I told him, he wore it, and I said it, and in that moment each of us was OK, even if it made our hearts beat hard.
Then I proceeded to feel like I was about to have a panic attack for the next half hour, as I contemplated deleting even that comment in a fairly safe space. I felt cowardly for thinking about it. I thought about the dinner I'd gone to with some family members earlier in the year and how these people I knew who were otherwise liberal had so much trouble with the "bathroom conversation" and understanding what it was to be trans, or even what the correct words were. I felt like we had so far to go then, and I'm worried we're even farther away from understanding now.
As I told one of my best friends today, I'm still terrified to come out to most people I know who aren't queer. I know it's my privilege to be able to pass so easily because what's most queer about me is my brain. So I struggle with this. My husband knows two people now who have committed suicide since the election, and I don't know why either of them did or whether it was related to gender, but it makes me afraid for all of us. I love you guys, and I support you, and I'm going to try to do more to be visible for us. Just finding words to use to talk about this is a start.
One positive thought I had today was about one of the most comforting conversations I've ever had with my once-abusive father, when I was talking to him one time at the nursing home. I mentioned to him that my brain wasn't a woman's brain, even though I'm a woman, and he told me he'd always kind of known that, and he wasn't upset or surprised. That was a good conversation.
. for everyone who can't even try to have these conversations anymore.
posted by limeonaire at 3:40 PM on November 20, 2016 [17 favorites]
A gay friend of mine wrote and posted a piece on Facebook earlier about a shirt he'd finally decided to wear after owning it for a year and the nervous feeling it gave him, and how it reminded him of a bullying incident from his childhood. As I told him, the fluttery feeling he described wearing it reminded me of the feeling I have when I wear a dress or skirt—self-conscious, wondering if people are staring at it, wondering if I made the right choice to wear it, perpetually that second-grader who wore a new dress to school one day and was so distracted by mentally managing this presentation of femininity that I accidentally walked straight into the boys' bathroom. And that reminded me of how it makes my heart beat just to say it, that I'm genderqueer, on Facebook. But as I told him, he wore it, and I said it, and in that moment each of us was OK, even if it made our hearts beat hard.
Then I proceeded to feel like I was about to have a panic attack for the next half hour, as I contemplated deleting even that comment in a fairly safe space. I felt cowardly for thinking about it. I thought about the dinner I'd gone to with some family members earlier in the year and how these people I knew who were otherwise liberal had so much trouble with the "bathroom conversation" and understanding what it was to be trans, or even what the correct words were. I felt like we had so far to go then, and I'm worried we're even farther away from understanding now.
As I told one of my best friends today, I'm still terrified to come out to most people I know who aren't queer. I know it's my privilege to be able to pass so easily because what's most queer about me is my brain. So I struggle with this. My husband knows two people now who have committed suicide since the election, and I don't know why either of them did or whether it was related to gender, but it makes me afraid for all of us. I love you guys, and I support you, and I'm going to try to do more to be visible for us. Just finding words to use to talk about this is a start.
One positive thought I had today was about one of the most comforting conversations I've ever had with my once-abusive father, when I was talking to him one time at the nursing home. I mentioned to him that my brain wasn't a woman's brain, even though I'm a woman, and he told me he'd always kind of known that, and he wasn't upset or surprised. That was a good conversation.
. for everyone who can't even try to have these conversations anymore.
posted by limeonaire at 3:40 PM on November 20, 2016 [17 favorites]
Love and strength to you, limeonaire, brecc, odinsdream, and others similarly affected here and elsewhere, and by any label. No one should ever have to feel afraid for being who and what they are, and no one should have to justify it. I am glad you are here, and proud to stand beside you.
posted by Songdog at 5:20 PM on November 20, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Songdog at 5:20 PM on November 20, 2016 [5 favorites]
Strength out to you, kindred. This is a poisoned time indeed.
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posted by Jilder at 6:01 PM on November 20, 2016 [4 favorites]
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posted by Jilder at 6:01 PM on November 20, 2016 [4 favorites]
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posted by Willow Jane at 6:50 PM on November 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Willow Jane at 6:50 PM on November 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
I live in Austin. The first trans woman of 2016 was murdered here, Monica Loera. The police misgendered her. Until her friends found out and raised hell.
Tonight in Austin, I didn't go to TDOR because of a lot of reasons.
What can I do to better help trans women of color besides mourns their deaths each year? I'm gonna do that instead. I'm tired of crying.
posted by Annika Cicada at 8:18 PM on November 20, 2016 [4 favorites]
Tonight in Austin, I didn't go to TDOR because of a lot of reasons.
What can I do to better help trans women of color besides mourns their deaths each year? I'm gonna do that instead. I'm tired of crying.
posted by Annika Cicada at 8:18 PM on November 20, 2016 [4 favorites]
I'm flying to San Antonio in the morning to visit my parents for a week around Thanksgiving. I'm not trans but I'm still so worried about being visibly and vocally myself in Texas for a week that I'm unable to get to sleep tonight. My parents are pretty cool and kind and I am very privileged and lucky in how accepting they are of my sexuality and weirdness and mental health problems and my many trans friends and how much I care about them, but what keeps going on in my head is what about the trans folks in San Antonio? Who will I walk past as I get my yearly fill of real tex-mex who is terrified in their homes and by their families? Who will be looking for the cranberries in the HEB alongside me who can't afford them because they can't get a job and be out simultaneously?
For various specific reasons I can't open my parents' home to trans people for the holiday. If I could, I would. This thread has reminded me to pack a bunch of safety pins to wear - I have found it a bit redundant in my parts of Seattle - and if there's something I can wear to indicate to trans people in specific that I'm an ally, please tell me. I think about that fear barrier all the time that keeps people in need from saying something, and keeps people who could help from knowing their help is needed.
posted by Mizu at 12:55 AM on November 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
For various specific reasons I can't open my parents' home to trans people for the holiday. If I could, I would. This thread has reminded me to pack a bunch of safety pins to wear - I have found it a bit redundant in my parts of Seattle - and if there's something I can wear to indicate to trans people in specific that I'm an ally, please tell me. I think about that fear barrier all the time that keeps people in need from saying something, and keeps people who could help from knowing their help is needed.
posted by Mizu at 12:55 AM on November 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
I was a speaker and a member of a discussion panel at the Dayton OH TDOR vigil last night. On Friday, I did a short live interview on local news to publicize the event and educate about TDOR. In the couple of years I have been out and transitioning, I have experienced some harassment and discrimination, but thankfully no violence. I have the privilege of being white (and 6'4"), which I'm sure have contributed to my relative safety. I'm nervous about what will happen these next few years, but I'm not going away. Hatching out of that egg was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I hope that my out and proud visibility inspires and encourages others to live their truth. Sometimes I'm afraid that it will make me a higher value target, but that risk is worth it if I can help at all.
posted by battleshipkropotkin at 8:18 AM on November 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by battleshipkropotkin at 8:18 AM on November 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
Ugh odinsdream I finally fell asleep angry at myself for wording my post wrong and woke up and am taking five minutes out of my airport prep time to post an adjustment because I 100% agree with you and hate the thought you might have read what I said and understood it in light of the exact comment you left.
I can't open my parents' home to trans people who I don't already know need it for the holidays. Because I don't know any trans people in San Antonio (because I haven't lived there since I was 6 years old and my parents just moved back last year) and because all the trans folks I know who do need it I've spent the last three weeks introducing to people I know would be welcoming and asking other folks if they'd be okay with coming to Texas if they wanted (the answer was entirely no, hrmmmm, v. mysterious). The issue lies entirely with anyone being a stranger, and absolutely not with them being trans or any other identity that causes them to feel unsafe right now, because that's how my parents are about their house.
God, this reads so much like an ally trying to dig themselves out a hole, but seriously, I agree with you, I got no sleep, and I'm going to spend the next week in constant vigilance because holy shit this is not normal and not okay and I'm not going to listen to anybody put up with it for a split second.
posted by Mizu at 8:53 AM on November 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
I can't open my parents' home to trans people who I don't already know need it for the holidays. Because I don't know any trans people in San Antonio (because I haven't lived there since I was 6 years old and my parents just moved back last year) and because all the trans folks I know who do need it I've spent the last three weeks introducing to people I know would be welcoming and asking other folks if they'd be okay with coming to Texas if they wanted (the answer was entirely no, hrmmmm, v. mysterious). The issue lies entirely with anyone being a stranger, and absolutely not with them being trans or any other identity that causes them to feel unsafe right now, because that's how my parents are about their house.
God, this reads so much like an ally trying to dig themselves out a hole, but seriously, I agree with you, I got no sleep, and I'm going to spend the next week in constant vigilance because holy shit this is not normal and not okay and I'm not going to listen to anybody put up with it for a split second.
posted by Mizu at 8:53 AM on November 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
One bright spot... in time for TDOR bill C-16 to protect trans rights passed the House of Commons in Canada, and it on its way to the Senate. Last time the bill passed the HoC but was gutted in the Senate and then an election was called so it was back to the drawing board. However, but this time we don't have the Harper government and the Liberal, NDP and Green parties backed it unanimously. Also as a hopeful sign...
"Six-in-ten Conservatives voted for it too, many of whom opposed previous versions. One of them who voted against earlier trans rights bills but supported the current draft expressed her remorse in Parliament on Friday during the bill’s third reading.
“In the last three years, I have watched this community face bigotry, more discrimination, and becoming a flashpoint for fights that we should no longer be having in Canada,” Calgary’s Michelle Rempel said, earning praise on social media from politicians across party lines. “I especially want to thank the trans activists who have lived through this discrimination… They deserve our thanks, and they also deserve an apology for when we have failed them in the past.” Full article here.
Of course this is in no way to say that Canada is a trans rights mecca. The suicide rate for trans* folk is depressingly high but I expect that C-16 will pass the Senate and will at least be a start.
posted by biggreenplant at 10:51 AM on November 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
"Six-in-ten Conservatives voted for it too, many of whom opposed previous versions. One of them who voted against earlier trans rights bills but supported the current draft expressed her remorse in Parliament on Friday during the bill’s third reading.
“In the last three years, I have watched this community face bigotry, more discrimination, and becoming a flashpoint for fights that we should no longer be having in Canada,” Calgary’s Michelle Rempel said, earning praise on social media from politicians across party lines. “I especially want to thank the trans activists who have lived through this discrimination… They deserve our thanks, and they also deserve an apology for when we have failed them in the past.” Full article here.
Of course this is in no way to say that Canada is a trans rights mecca. The suicide rate for trans* folk is depressingly high but I expect that C-16 will pass the Senate and will at least be a start.
posted by biggreenplant at 10:51 AM on November 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
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I wish I could tell my trans/GNC siblings that it will be okay but I can't promise that. Even though we've never met, to said siblings, I love you. You (a/we)re stronger than most folks ever have to be.
posted by Excommunicated Cardinal at 9:26 AM on November 20, 2016 [7 favorites]