Unicorn meat appears twice
December 19, 2016 10:35 PM   Subscribe

Can't figure out what to get your least-favorite friends and relatives? You probably can't find any of these creepy vintage toys, but there many classy gift ideas in these brilliant and useless lists.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (13 comments total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
I think I need Handerpants.
posted by old_growler at 11:13 PM on December 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

I dunno about the "useless" list -- I have a long bus commute, and my banana bunker (sadly reaching the end of it's working life) has done great service in keeping my fruit edible on the way. It's quite useful and more workable than other designs.

The rest of those are mostly joke gifts and intended to be useless/ugly. Years ago, a friend gave me a resin statue of a winged pig standing on its hind legs and hding a bowl in its front hooves. I asked "why did you give me this?" and was told "I figured you didn't have one." Which is hard to argue with.
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:04 AM on December 20, 2016 [13 favorites]

The Krimson Monster wasn't alone...
posted by fairmettle at 4:58 AM on December 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

My deathlessly dapper grandfather and one of his tony rich friends made an effort every year to give each other the 1930's version of these lists, passing from hand to hand with a solemnity that belied the absurdity of the objects in question. Somewhere I have a picture of them presenting the cheesy Venetian gondola with blinking colored lights.

But the pièce de résistance for these rock ribbed Republicans was the enamel plate, studded with seashells and featuring a portrait of Eleanor Roosevelt.

All lost, alas, in the fullness of time.
posted by BWA at 6:39 AM on December 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

A colleague swears by her banana protector – though for the life of me I don't know why it wasn't sold as Banana Armour.
posted by mushhushshu at 6:53 AM on December 20, 2016 [2 favorites]

Speaking of useless: my husband did just order two cans of oxygen. On the tin it warns you that even when full the cans will feel empty. NO SHIT but I bet they get plenty of complaints.
posted by lydhre at 8:05 AM on December 20, 2016

It just isn't Christmas without handerpants under the tree!
posted by BlueHorse at 8:28 AM on December 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

I swear I had some version of the Old Witch Sparkler when I was a kid (late 80s-90s). I have the vaguest memory of harmless colorful sparks . . . and some kind of spinning plate? Wheel? on the front . . . maybe in red, white, and blue . . . ?
posted by carrioncomfort at 8:34 AM on December 20, 2016

The Krimson Monster wasn't alone...

Heh. Some of them are knock-offs of Ed "Big Daddy" Roth models.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:40 AM on December 20, 2016

oh man I was just agonizing on Amazon about what to get my parents. they don't really need anything. I was going to get my mom some sasquatch tree ornaments because she has a thing about bigfoot. (I had my eye on the santaur too)

but then I thought no this is stupid and made some charitable donations in their names. I am so over it. BAH HUMBUG TO ALL AND TO ALL A BUGGED HUM!
posted by supermedusa at 1:15 PM on December 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

Anybody notice how much Hugo: Man of A Thousand Faces looks like Fred Schneider from the B-52's?
posted by jonp72 at 6:13 PM on December 20, 2016

Glad to see that Slicey The Pig managed to transition from vintage signage to collectibles; and not surprised in the least that Archie McPhee were involved.
posted by acb at 3:47 AM on December 21, 2016

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