Your performance this year gave us paws
December 21, 2016 9:51 PM   Subscribe

Pretty fair performance overall, except for the ZERO PROGRESS on my continuing requests to submit all notes, requests, complaints, and grumblings RE: an empty or otherwise unsatisfying food bowl in triplicate. They simply refuse to comply, and it's bordering on insubordination!
posted by carsonb at 10:04 PM on December 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

You want three times the meowsing?
posted by aubilenon at 10:10 PM on December 21, 2016 [13 favorites]

My annual performance review of BunnyCat was going swimmingly until she shot me this look and mutinously burrowed deeper into her den of freshly laundered towels (despite clear instructions not to.)

I anticipate that this act of insubordination may be followed by an attempt on my life. If this is indeed the case, it has been a pleasure knowing you.
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:43 PM on December 21, 2016 [24 favorites]

My kitty has had an excellent year, her inter-team dynamics skills have increased tremendously after her poor showing last review period, as we made huge strides in allowing the baby to maul her with pets and saliva. Her mouse catches are up 23%, and her sneaking out all night and almost getting eaten by foxes where we heartless terrible death struggles at 4 in the morning and go rushing out with a shovel to protect her only to find her huddled and terrified under the patio has been reduced by 37%.

Overall a wonderful showing, putting her in the front running for the promotion to head cat.
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 11:30 PM on December 21, 2016 [16 favorites]

Your performance this year gave us paws

posted by Going To Maine at 11:49 PM on December 21, 2016 [4 favorites]

Are you sure it isn't more of a... purrformance review?
posted by I-Write-Essays at 1:22 AM on December 22, 2016 [22 favorites]

My cat and I have agreed that in order to meet her quarterly sleeping-in-sunshine quota, I'll need to be more diligent in adjusting the blinds.

I'm not sure that review went exactly as I had planned.
posted by MrVisible at 2:30 AM on December 22, 2016 [31 favorites]

We follow a 360 degree review process here and my cats pointed out that breakfast is the most important meal of the day and they can't do their best work if I don't get my damn lazy ass out of bed to feed them at 3 am. However, they do appreciate my commitment to napping on weekends, with the proviso I feed them before returning to bed. They also applaud my use of my early childhood education training to create opportunities for imaginative play. However, purchasing and procurement processes were deemed lacking with a few instances of no wet food available for dinner and I will be on a PIP if I don't step up my game.

Our review ended there, I am outnumbered and not stupid. We are a harmonious team because the kitties get to do what they want to do and I don't flaunt my opposable thumb skills too often.
posted by kitten magic at 3:21 AM on December 22, 2016 [16 favorites]

My cat refused to appear at his review and, instead, instigated a hostile takeover.
posted by Thorzdad at 4:35 AM on December 22, 2016 [8 favorites]

My cat didn't come with any work history, but he seemed enthusiastic enough, and we were a little short staffed to begin with. His three month review was mostly positive: excellent litter box skills, communication, willingness to snuggle, etc. We outlined some inappropriate workplace behaviour (pulling my bras off the drying rack) and I agreed to upgrade his cat box if he would think about letting me wear shoes with laces.
posted by janepanic at 5:08 AM on December 22, 2016 [19 favorites]

As usual the privilege of the human species comes through. No mention of 360° reviews! No taking into account valid feline input! Everything is based on improving cat behavior, as if humans never forget to give us treats or – you know who you are – when they give two more bits of wet food to the OTHER CAT. Why am I meowing at you at 2am? Oh reeeeaallly, you don't know, hm? Okay, there is this bit:
As your cat’s manager, you should also be aware of your own role in her performance. Are you present enough? Does she get adequate space to grow, play? Have you provided the necessary toys and furniture to scratch? It’s unfair to punish your cats for scratching the couch and destroying your nice things if you haven’t given them a proper scratching post.
Manager! See what I mean? Human privilege assuming that our walnut-sized brains are automatically inferior and that hierarchical organizations are somehow justified, never asking themselves obvious questions such as, if your brain is so big and primed for communication, how is it you haven't yet figured out how to meow properly? Not to mention prrow-chirps or purring. No, trilling your tongue with your mouth closed is not purring, though it is appreciated. If you're going to be hierarchical, at least be rational about it. I can catch my own food without opposable thumbs, tools, or submitting myself to a kyriarchy that imposes restrictions on the vast majority of its people and then calls them "minorities" for the mere reward of printed wood pulp you somehow agree is necessary to exchange for survival. And we're the ones being reviewed?

Also it would be good to recognize our managerial skills. I ensure that my human gets at least two hours of cuddles a day, and remind her of dinner time with ten minutes to spare so she can prepare.
posted by Susu pitchounette at 5:17 AM on December 22, 2016 [12 favorites]

My cats belong to a union (International Brotherhood of Felines and Associated Housepets, Local #615), so all I can do is file a formal complaint with their shop steward and hope that they don't start a picket line in front of the litter box.
posted by briank at 5:26 AM on December 22, 2016 [26 favorites]

Proper litterbox protocol
benefits us all!

posted by Shepherd at 5:38 AM on December 22, 2016 [42 favorites]

After a slow but relatively trouble-free transition onto our team and over a year of peaceful (and occasionally affectionate) coexistence with Cat 1, Cat 2 has taken a sudden dislike to her colleague. HR and Legal have recommended the distribution of pheromone collars to both cats.

If successful, I will immediately roll out this change to include troublesome human colleagues at my primary place of employment. With little bells so I can hear them coming.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 6:28 AM on December 22, 2016 [11 favorites]

Ripley: Ripley stood out as a top perfomer this year, particularly in agility, wedge-headedness and assistance with cooking. Although she follows directions well, most of Ripley's work is self-directed and she's great at problem solving.

Louise: Louise's attendance is without peer. She is highly motivated (by food) and occurence of metal-chewing has gone down 75% in the final quarter of this year's stats. Her adamant refusal to poo in the box (despite FOUR boxes, cleaned DAILY) is philosophically admirable, but practically self-defeating. I'll draft her a performance improvement plan.

Ezra: Ezra, the newest addition, is learning new strategies around setting and reaching his goals. His communication skills are improving, but he needs to be reminded to not merely present problems, but offer solutions. Toe-biting is a not an acceptable form of communication, and Ezra has been struggling to understand this. He needs to review toe-biting policy. Conflict resolution skills need work, but are slowly improving. Recent mouse-catching went up by 100%, and for this, Ezra should be commended. However, he forgot to inform Envionrmental Services about the mouse body, and therefore resulted in Dan touching a dead mouse with his fingers.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 6:32 AM on December 22, 2016 [7 favorites]

thread needs more pics
posted by everybody had matching towels at 6:52 AM on December 22, 2016 [20 favorites]

My cat isn't going to like his review but he's free to seek a home elsewhere. In the meantime, his TPS reports are late again.
posted by damnitkage at 7:28 AM on December 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

"As your cat’s manager"

Oh, honey LOL
posted by FelliniBlank at 7:31 AM on December 22, 2016 [17 favorites]

Dr. Cat is up for tenure this year, so our administrative staff has been working with her to assemble her dossier.

Notable publications include
V. F-S. Cat. 2013. Replicable experiments with gravity: water glasses. J. Fel. Phys. 15(4):25-29.

V. F-S. Cat. 2014. A closer look at mouse intestines. Am. Soc. St. Prey An. 30(1): 12-15.

V. F-S. Cat. 2016. Wait til the midnight hour: a break-through in cat-human communications. Human. 40(2): 21 - 35. (Cover).

Dr. Cat teaches an ongoing time-management seminar. She is PI on a C01, "Feather toy structure and resiliency" and has several ongoing materials science contracts for the study of fur coatings on fabric. This August she was recognized by the university's Who Is A Big Brave Kitty program for her capture of a giant basement cricket.

Her chair feels that she needs to step up her service work.
posted by Frowner at 7:36 AM on December 22, 2016 [78 favorites]

Ginger Cat has really upped his game this year, in terms of Lap Snuggling and Keeping My Feet Warm in Bed. However he has gone a bit overboard in his demands for food, up to and including development of considerable cat-burglary skills in prying open and tipping over the food bin, much to the chagrin of the human staff. This has also resulted in some moderate weight gain. He has also not improved one bit on his Madly Dashing Outside tendencies, although the recent 6" of fresh snow did seem to surprise him enough that he was easier to corral and herd back inside last time. That, and his insistence on gently thrumming the radiator vent as if it were a harp JUST TO WAKE US UP for food time, have been my major points of concern with his performance.

Snowshoe Cat has pleased me with her recent mastery of Shoulder Perching, much to the amusement of the youngest human. I have a long-standing interest in teaching cats to treat me as a safe platform for sitting and accessing high areas. While she has not yet reached the Supreme Master level attained by my dearly-departed Petey Cat (who would happily dive-bomb me from high shelves, or settle down for a nap between my shoulder blades the second I bent down to pick up anything), she has come quite a long way in the past quarter. While generally a pleasant cat, we do wish she would Shut the F Up at 3 AM, and her Constant Throwing Up has us concerned she might have some sort of eating disorder. It does keep her trim and svelte, though.

In summary, I have rated them both "Fully Successful and Generally Likeable, But Still Assholes" which is in line with previous year's ratings. End of year bonus will be in order, and will likely take the shape of a can of cat tuna.
posted by caution live frogs at 8:05 AM on December 22, 2016 [5 favorites]

Snookie the tuxedo cat gets high marks for dress-code adherence and heat conservation. Low marks for dingleberry avoidance and claw maintenance. Litter continues to show up in unexpected places and pillow stealing is rampant between 6 and 8 am.
posted by soelo at 8:19 AM on December 22, 2016 [6 favorites]

This is an awful lot of talk about kitties and an awful little amount of pictures of said kitties
posted by FirstMateKate at 8:54 AM on December 22, 2016 [7 favorites]

Remy continues to improve on not scratching the furniture, but his repeated attempts to dash outside despite our constant meetings about how dangerous it is out there are starting to concern upper management. He has also considerably improved in the "snuggle with the people" aspect of his job; although he has not yet graduated to sitting directly on someone's lap, we are confident that the training webinars he has been viewing will go a long way to correcting the issue. As always, the "snuggle with the dog" part of his job is performed well.

Chloe continues to excel in fetching lengths of pipe cleaners, demanding drinks from the bathroom sink faucet, and running laps around the kitchen island in excitement for morning squishy food. The only thing we would recommend her to work on is not getting so upset when upper management wants her to get off our legs because they've fallen asleep.
posted by cooker girl at 9:08 AM on December 22, 2016 [8 favorites]

Sadie: Really excellent work on your improved nap:awake time ratio. In 2017, it would be great if we could concentrate on changing where you choose to nap, as bathtub naps are translating into lots of little wet kitty footprints everywhere and rude awakenings courtesy of wet tails. Vet visit this year was a general success. Upper management is pleased with your clean bill of health from the Geriatric Cat Bloodwork Panel; however, the fact that your heartbeat could not be heard over your nonstop purring is concerning. In general, we like your trajectory and anticipate giving you another catnip filled fish upon successful completion of your next claw trimming.

Triceratops: Another year, another series of virtuoso early morning yodeling performances. Your harvest of bottlecaps and rubber bands is truly inspiring, and your commitment to making sure that someone is paying attention to you at all times is unparalleled. Your snuggling habits are commendable. In the coming year, we'd like you to consider spending less time sitting on Sadie's head/forcibly bathing Sadie/harassing Sadie in general, and renew your commitment to eat less human food. Remember, you are a cat and therefore you should not find popcorn, peanut butter and jelly, coffee, or asparagus appetizing. Keep up the good work and, contingent on a week without vomiting on something important, you will receive a can of wet food!
posted by ChuraChura at 9:39 AM on December 22, 2016 [12 favorites]

Related: some folks here have recently launched a line of inspirational posters for cats. I got a set from the Kickstarter and they are adorable. (My coworker is the "boyfriend" in one of their promo videos.)

As for my gang:

Creamsicle continues to be my Instagram superstar, and his 3am wake-up crying really has diminished over previous years! We've determined that getting wasted on catnip in the middle of the night is a problem for the whole family. He does still need to work on realizing when other cats don't want to play.

Boingo, as the senior cat, is a great role model in snuggling, lounging, and asking politely to go outside. Our improvement plan for him is just to make sure he gets lots of savory treats.

Trixie has achieved professional renown for her listening face and remains the best at greeting new guests to our home. We also appreciate her dedication to staying indoors and being quiet at night! Her main area for improvement is to realize that it's okay to be on the bed when the humans want to snuggle her there.

Pika has a lot of work to do in being social outside of her chosen domain of the back bedroom. We'd also like to see her do some introspection about how a gentle pet on the side isn't actually harmful. On the other hand, she's gotten less territorial in her relationship with Trixie, and the whole household appreciates it. And her special interactions with mr. epersonae are a bright spot in a difficult year. [also, some demerits for being too evasive to photograph most of the time.]
posted by epersonae at 9:46 AM on December 22, 2016 [8 favorites]

I should probably write up something for the "contractor", aka the neighbor's cat Boo, who decided a couple of years ago that he really likes hanging out in our yard, and coming in for a snack. :\
posted by epersonae at 9:48 AM on December 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Chloe continues to excel in fetching lengths of pipe cleaners

*whispers* ...corcle.... 😍😍😍
posted by FirstMateKate at 9:58 AM on December 22, 2016

flora, aka princess ham cat, aka clownface ham cat, aka fat baby, has had a pretty good year. she handle a recent move quite well - it only took an hour and minimal bloodshed to get her into a carrier to go to the new place, and she hid under the bed only for a few days before exploring the new apartment. bonus points for learning to use her cardboard scratcher instead of the couch, and a really stellar performance in quickly adapting to a top-entry litterbox. she still doesn't quite understand that when people are sleeping she shouldn't tackle their feet or lick their faces, but her progress in learning to accept tummy rubs makes up for that. as always, excellent work at keeping hungry meowing to a minimum. goals for next year include wiping dirty paws on litter mat and more calmly allowing nails to be clipped.
posted by burgerrr at 10:23 AM on December 22, 2016 [7 favorites]

Zzyzx has been working on cuddling really close to your face so you wake up with this view, and she's also been hanging upside-down from her cat tree a great deal. This excuses her from occasional demerits for early-morning meows, especially because those usually lead to her sitting on our lap during the bathroom break we take since we're up anyway (no pics, sorry). She's also an adept at fitting into even the tiniest of boxes. We're promoting her from a level 6 Bengal directly to a level 8, hoping she increases her jumps-in-a-row frequency from a record of five bounces to a reliable 6 or more.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 10:39 AM on December 22, 2016 [7 favorites]

Peter, the most senior cat representative, has had a banner year. He has made great strides in choosing easily photographable shenanigans to pull off. He has also continued to be the most effective liason to both our Feline Intern Program, being the only cat who extends a courteous welcome to all interns regardless of color, creed, and nation of origin; and also to our Canine Division, who will currently permit no other cat to snuggle her. However, he does receive demerits for his newest habit of door dashing, although he only usually targets the neighbor's garden to flop around in until he is scooped up and returned. He also receives demerits for his continued insistence on loudly sucking on his own nipples while theoretically snuggling with human household merits and his tendency to insist that other cats who say "fuck off and die" are in fact requesting MORE PLAY TIME. His success as loudest purr in the organization and possessor of the snowiest, densest, softest furs however leave his status unquestioned.

Janet, our smallest and most junior cat, has finally leveled up from her previous role of "unbearably tiny kitten" to "unbearably tiny adult cat how is that an adult cat oh god." She has despite her diminutive status succeeded in ruling the house with an iron claw, but as long as her authority is obeyed order can continue to reign in the household. (Impressively, when a much larger Feline Intern questioned her authority, she successfully recruited the much more peaceful Peter to serve as her hired muscle.) She is also the unrivaled supreme hunter in the household, unusually for a kitten who has lived her entire life indoors; in addition to many murdered feather and fur toys, she has successfully captured and destroyed several small reptilian intruders to the house. She could stand to improve her general level of cheerfulness, but her greatest strength is her unparalleled skill at napping harder than anyone else. Besides, no one pulls off an alligator costume better.

But honorable mention goes to newest household feline member Ishka. In addition to being the sole Feline Intern* to pass the rigorous fostering screening process and successfully worm her way into never ever ever leaving here, Ishka has achieved such pinnacles of adorable and ridiculousness in her two months here that we were forced to make her her own Ishkagram account (h/t to phunnieme, who initially suggested this). Her only flaw has been the whole thing with "collecting enough feces in her system to actually back up into her stomach," and since that has been resolved, she has continued to make strides in the department of majestic leaps and weird facial gestures. Her future looks bright here, and will only be brighter if she can continue making headway towards hiding only in approved cat corners and crowing like a strange donkey rooster during the day when no one is actively trying to sleep.

Altogether they are quite satisfactory cats, and will be made eligible for a bonus of cheese, crinkle balls, and a catnip rainbow at the end of the year.

*we have, for the record, hosted 20+ Feline Interns through the Feline Foster program since June, including several kittens and lovely cats with particularly amusing names** and personalities. That Ishka succeeded in securing the nomination even when no actual position had been created for her was a fairly impressive achievement.

**of the Hamilkittens, Alexander Hameowlton kept his name upon adoption, Angelica Schuyfur became Monkey, and I am not entirely sure what became of Aaron Purr's permanent name. Foster cat Yam, whose name I am also proud of, also kept his name and went on to get his own instagram somewhere I have lost.

posted by sciatrix at 11:22 AM on December 22, 2016 [11 favorites]

Keep 'em coming guys, pretty sure I can hit my favourites limit with your help and dedication.

Also, scattergun responses. Triceratops and Zzyzx are great cat names. Hermione Granger, your cat looks like an owl who's spotted their next meal in that pic, nice knowing you. Finally, that cats in trees link reminded me, we found a dead bird in our Christmas Tree one year. I'm fairly sure it came with the purchase (you know, like giblets) rather than having been secreted there by one of our cats, none of whom would be seen dead in green.
posted by comealongpole at 11:37 AM on December 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

Abbey AKA Boobie AKA Loobie AKA Kitty has made great strides in communication this year, despite her previously-mentioned strong-willed insistences against using English (or Spanish or French for that matter) let alone triplicate—and continues her annual excellence in the arena of Covering Literally Everything In This Apartment With Her Fur. Our sincere apologies to team Die Hard! this year in the cookie swap.

Sunshine , who I pretty much just call Sunshine, has continued her consistent performance over the years tracking her namesake across the bed every single day like her life depended on it. That sort of steadfastness is hard to come by! Her favorite band is Super Furry Animals.
posted by carsonb at 1:12 PM on December 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

I'm going to have to do a group review, since the team has gotten to be so big. Bonuses this year are to be awarded entirely in option grants. Trust me when I say they'll be worth a lot some day.
posted by invitapriore at 8:47 PM on December 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

As for my gang:

four cat household yessssssss
posted by invitapriore at 8:49 PM on December 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Incidentally I've also received unsolicited and uniformly negative peer review of the dog from every member of the Feline Department, which I'm going to just have to chalk up to organizational politics.
posted by invitapriore at 8:55 PM on December 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Four years after joining the company, Shoggoth has finally begun to show some alignment with the general mission. We are impressed by the improvement in areas such as being welcoming to guests*, lap-warming duties, and general cute behaviours. Management is appreciative of attempts at personal improvement, but srsly you will never be a big buff kitty no-you-won'tsies, no matter how hard you try. And napping on benchpress equipment is not usually part of the recommended lifting plan.

We would like to note several matters for urgent attention: an increased familiarity with the differences between nighttime and daytime would be appreciated. Immobilising humans in the middle of the day is detrimental to their productivity, and sudden INCOMING cat missiles straight onto the bed in the middle of the night will not lead to the desired outcome of exciting fun times midnight play sessions. Also, watching us while we sleep is fucking creepy. Cut it out.

*no longer nopes the fuck out of the house the minute company arrives. This year has even been seen cautiously sniffing the hands of select visitors, and tales are told of cat-sitters being able to lay eyes on her multiple times during a week of care-taking.
posted by lollusc at 9:49 PM on December 22, 2016 [5 favorites]

PS: Christmas bonus (small can of salmon) has dutifully been purchased and is in the cupboard for the 25th.
posted by lollusc at 9:50 PM on December 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

Although previously ours had been strictly a single-person operation, we were pleased to have Gece [1] join our team this year. She has very quickly proven herself with her diligence in standing guard, her commitment to cuteness, and her willingness to take on supervisory roles, learning rapidly [2].

She quickly impresses our clients with her attributes. Reviews include "She's tiny!", "Wow, beautiful" and {unintelligible, surprised high-pitched sound}.

While her approach to dignity and her estimation of her capabilities as a hunter [3] have raised some questions, the management is aware that the globe approach to these qualities are fundamentally different from that of the hominid member of the household. There are some concerns that she may prove to be a one-person cat, she has in the course of her employment progressed from "See another person, bolt under futon" to sniffing hands, allowing scritchies and headbutts for a very few select individuals, therefore for now we feel that merely monitoring further progress in this area is sufficient.

Besides, she's so incredibly loving with her co-worker that we can't even, and we definitely can't complain.

(Adopting her: One of the best things I've ever done in my life, no joke.)

[1] Translation: "Night." I tell people that she's named after the concept, not the word, so feel free to use the word in whatever language you wish.
[2] She's stepped on the keyboard so that the keys sounded once. She's been carefully stepping and jumping around to go sit there ever since.
[3] Read the notes under the picture.
posted by seyirci at 10:38 AM on December 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

(Gah. Feline approach, not "globe" approach. Missed edit window, sorry :/.)
posted by seyirci at 10:45 AM on December 23, 2016

Feed more - not yet boxy enough.
posted by Going To Maine at 11:23 PM on December 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

While her performance this time last year left much to be desired,* Mela has shown significant improvement this year, though she remains on light duty. She has met her goal of not being hospitalized in the six months this manager has been formally overseeing her. Her previous manager reports one instance of a hunger strike requiring hospitalization, which Mela has assured me will not happen again so long as this manager agrees “never to leave her again.”**

She has excelled in the area of gaining weight and is now within 1 pound of her baseline weight. She has also met her goal of not requiring antiemetics since her last hospitalization. She continues to perform well in her duties of snuggling and sitting in sunbeams. The Veterinary Department regularly sends praise about her performance and interpersonal skills after their meetings with her. However, the Canine Department reports that her social skills often leave a lot to be desired, though there is evidence to the contrary.

While her hunting output has decreased over the past few years, this year she was taken off hunting duty pending a review. Though she does still occasionally hunt moths when she feels they pose a significant threat to the safety of the household, it has been determined by her managers that hunting will officially be removed from her job description. We have discussed that she will take over the duty of wearing sweaters when it is cold.

One area of improvement for Mela would be in her willingness to appear for daily fluid meetings. It is frequently a struggle to ensure her attendance at this vital meeting, and an improvement in her attitude with regards to this would be much appreciated.

* Just before Christmas 2015, Mela had to be hospitalized and she was diagnosed with CKD and a UTI.
** I cleaned/emptied my bedroom so it could be painted before moving back in.
posted by smangosbubbles at 1:36 PM on January 7, 2017 [3 favorites]

Unfortunately, after losing one long-standing employee last year, we've had further downsizing around these parts and lost the other two employees to attrition after exceptional tenures on both their parts, but we are looking forward to recruiting new team members for a new business venture later in the spring. New employees will have some big pants to fill.
posted by rmd1023 at 5:28 AM on January 11, 2017 [2 favorites]

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