Approved News 6's take on the end of 2016

January 1, 2017 5:19 AM

New Year's Eve: Illuminati Declares "Case WISTFUL CRANE;" Orders All Units Activated -- This tweet, plus subsequent tweets in response, describe the end of 2016 as it could have been in the alternate universe where Approved News 6 reigns supreme.

"Seven Thrones & Seven Courts; Seven Angels Marching Forth"

posted by XtinaS (17 comments total)

That was exciting.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 6:10 AM on January 1, 2017

ALLHAILYESECRETCHIEFS
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:30 AM on January 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

That was odd and amazing. Do they do long runs like that very often?
posted by wenestvedt at 6:46 AM on January 1, 2017

I love the weird web.
posted by anotherpanacea at 7:18 AM on January 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Obama, Surrounded by Blood-Red Ravens, Bursts Through Roof of White House, Wielding Whalebone Scepter

He's not the eldritch saviour we deserve...
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:29 AM on January 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

>Pressed on New Year, Trump Vomits Frogs

I have the strange feeling that two years from now this headline in the New York Times will barely make me raise an eyebrow.
posted by MrVisible at 8:51 AM on January 1, 2017 [8 favorites]

New Year's Eve: Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword Declare "SITUATIO HAERESIS MAGNA DOLOROSA," Order All Battallions to Readiness

Honestly, this seems like a best case scenario. All Hail!
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:03 AM on January 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

Pressed for Comment, Nameless Corporation Spokesdrone Unhinges Face, Scalds Reporter With Cloud of Steam
posted by killdevil at 10:31 AM on January 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Concerned Parents Warn Teens May Be "Smoking the Great Archfungus," Becoming "Infested"
posted by killdevil at 10:32 AM on January 1, 2017

Honestly this actually sounds like a pretty good deal, considering
posted by Countess Elena at 11:02 AM on January 1, 2017

" jesus, FINALLY"
posted by doctornemo at 11:02 AM on January 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I love the description on their Patreon site:

Approved News 6 brings you daily updates on politics, international relations, auspicious celestial alignments, bone heresy, Contamination, the sound of someone or something breathing heavily just behind you, and REDACTED ! Demonstrate your loyalty, patriotism, and obedience to your shadowy mistresses and masters by supporting us in our effort to bring quality, accurate*, & approved journalism to your screen and/or secret brain implants every day.

posted by doctornemo at 11:03 AM on January 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Trump Refuses To Explain Why He Has Been Hovering Upside Down Over A Dumpster All Afternoon
posted by killdevil at 11:14 AM on January 1, 2017

That was pretty silly.
posted by ph00dz at 1:09 PM on January 1, 2017

This: "Trump, Swelling to Hundreds of Times Original Size, Wielding Skyscraper Like Club, Assails Seventh Angel, Frothing With Rage..."

Followed by this: "BREAKING: TRUMP STRUCK DOWN"

...Is the Good News the True Apostles are spreading far and wide.
posted by artof.mulata at 2:46 PM on January 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Reads like Scarfolk and Night Vale had a baby and raised it on crystal meth and bedtime stories by Lovecraft #approve
posted by e-man at 6:54 PM on January 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Looks like the SCP foundation is leaking again :)
posted by MaximumTaco at 4:59 PM on January 4, 2017