NSFW: Sex-Toy Shops for Religious Couples
January 11, 2017 9:58 PM   Subscribe

NSFW: so very NSFW. In recent years, a religious sex-toy industry has developed for devout Christian, Jewish, and Muslim folks (who, in this case, can't buy sex toys but massage oil and lube). Note: For the love of all that is holy, do not confuse the religious sex-toy industry with the religious-sex-toy industry, which sells blasphemous items like a baby Jesus butt plug, a Buddha dildo, and a dildo called Damien.
posted by Bella Donna (32 comments total) 16 users marked this as a favorite


 
Blessed be this butt plug? Hallow be thy lube?
posted by Beholder at 10:05 PM on January 11, 2017 [3 favorites]


Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done
posted by armoir from antproof case at 10:13 PM on January 11, 2017 [8 favorites]


Great, now I *really* don't understand what I'm supposed to do if I meet the Buddha on the road.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:27 PM on January 11, 2017 [31 favorites]


El Asira, Arabic for ‘society’ or ‘tribe’, is not only a luxury brand, but also a unique experience. El Asira does not only strive for a greater admiration and love for women, but is even an ode to them. Women are one of the pillars of our society. Because a man finds tranquility whenever he is with her. Because she is always ready to give advice when he consults her. And because of the love he receives as long as he admires and appreciates her.

El Asira puts women on a pedestal without embarrassing them. In our vision women deserve respect, so we communicate with them in a subtle and elegant way.
Nothing communicates respect for the pillar-y habibti in your life like a tube of lube. Is it halal, though?
posted by Foci for Analysis at 10:29 PM on January 11, 2017


as long as the gelatine is bovine not porcine. anything else usually goes under 'harus', if you're that particular. :D
posted by cendawanita at 10:33 PM on January 11, 2017 [2 favorites]


(is there gelatine in lube lmao)
posted by cendawanita at 10:33 PM on January 11, 2017


More like NSFWWJD, amirite?
posted by chavenet at 10:48 PM on January 11, 2017 [9 favorites]


Not Safe for Worship
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:39 AM on January 12, 2017 [4 favorites]


Glow Sleeves

Before the cock glows three times...

Clone-a-Willy
...Philip answered him, “Two hundred denarii worth of dildos would not be enough for each of them to get a little.” One of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, said to him, “There is a boy here who has Body Safe 'Hot Pink' Silicone, One Bag of Algae Based Molding Powder, a Molding Tube, and a Vibrating Unit, but what are they for so many?” Jesus said, “Have the people sit down.” Now there was much grass in the place. So the men sat down, about five thousand in number...

...he told his disciples, “Gather up the leftover fragments, that nothing may be lost.” So they gathered them up and filled twelve baskets with fragments of Body Safe 'Hot Pink' Silicone. When the people saw the sign that he had done, they said, “This is indeed the Prophet who is to come into the world!”
posted by XMLicious at 12:56 AM on January 12, 2017 [9 favorites]


Thy King Dom come
Thy willy be done...


FTFY.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:29 AM on January 12, 2017 [5 favorites]


Is the "Jewish" link in French for everyone? That is very odd to me - proportionately not that many Jews speak French.
posted by needs more cowbell at 1:42 AM on January 12, 2017


The "Jewish" link koshersextoys.net appears to be resolving to a French web hosting company, like its hostname has expired and we're supposed to buy it from the Paris branch of GoDaddy. Or something. I don't read French.
posted by hippybear at 3:05 AM on January 12, 2017 [2 favorites]


Out of curiosity, is there a specific or explicit biblical basis for the rejection of pornography?
posted by Zalzidrax at 3:47 AM on January 12, 2017


Possibly the story of Er and Onan, the sons of Judah. Er died, and Onan married Er's widow in a "levirate marriage". Onan didn't want to raise children that would be counted as his deceased brother's, so he "spilled his seed upon the ground", "which was evil in the sight of the Lord".
posted by Joe in Australia at 4:38 AM on January 12, 2017 [2 favorites]


“This is indeed the Prophet who is to come into the world!”

Phwoar!

As for "Married Dance" (the dance being in your pants), a "Christian-friendly adult toy" is apparently one that isn't too anatomically correct, as if having big throbbing veins on your dildoes is an abomination unto NugganGod.
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:38 AM on January 12, 2017


Great, now I *really* don't understand what I'm supposed to do if I meet the Buddha on the road.

The French call it "the little death"
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 4:53 AM on January 12, 2017 [10 favorites]


What a surprise that Taoists are again excluded. Of course, in this case they'd say that the most important part of the butt plug is the part where there is no butt plug, so maybe that's appropriate.
posted by middleclasstool at 5:10 AM on January 12, 2017 [3 favorites]


whoa, for anal, the most important part of the butt is the part where there is no butt
posted by middleclasstool at 5:12 AM on January 12, 2017 [3 favorites]


There was a lot of it about.

Exodus 2:23 " ...and the children of Israel sighed by reason of the bondage, and they cried, and their cry came up to God by reason of the bondage."
posted by Devonian at 5:32 AM on January 12, 2017 [2 favorites]


> Possibly the story of Er and Onan, the sons of Judah. Er died, and Onan married Er's widow in a "levirate marriage". Onan didn't want to raise children that would be counted as his deceased brother's, so he "spilled his seed upon the ground", "which was evil in the sight of the Lord".

Yeah, this is the verse traditionally used by the Christian church to lecture that masturbation is a sin, but that is an interpretation that...developed...over time that rather misses the forest for the trees. The Bible has pretty slim pickings of verses to fashion into a sexual rulebook, so anything that seemed even remotely relevant got seized upon. (See also Sodom and Gomorrah.) The point is that Onan shirked his duty to provide his dead brother with an heir. I could kind of see interpreting it as a warning against coitus interruptus, maybe, but really it's a pretty vague and weird little story.

As for the immorality of sex toys for Christians, bah, there's really nothing AFAIK that prohibits sexual pleasure for married hetero couples.
posted by desuetude at 7:16 AM on January 12, 2017 [2 favorites]


Jesus Entering From The Rear
posted by cazoo at 9:02 AM on January 12, 2017 [1 favorite]


Out of curiosity, is there a specific or explicit biblical basis for the rejection of pornography?

Jesus' commandment related to adultery/stopping yourself from sin. I had to look it up, but: Matthew 5:28. If you daydream about sex/covet another's wife/fantasize about sex with a stranger, Jesus equates this to adultery. At least, that's what I was taught.
posted by blnkfrnk at 9:03 AM on January 12, 2017


I mean, it's not specifically about porn. But it is about fantasy/sexual desire. I would think the basic anti-fornication stuff would also apply, since pornography is basically paying people to fornicate for your benefit.

I don't know, school tried to make me a Christian and it didn't take, so maybe don't take me as an authority.
posted by blnkfrnk at 9:07 AM on January 12, 2017


*shakes head sadly at those hedonistic Hindu ancestors*
posted by infini at 9:10 AM on January 12, 2017 [2 favorites]


Thanks for posting. I wish the NP article had been able to get in touch with some actual customers; I expect their stories would have been more complex and nuanced. The tone of the article was too strict and dogmatic about what is and isn't allowed.

And it's disappointing that the anti-contraception forces were able to shame the shop out of selling condoms. It seems like a shop like this has an outsized influence on what is and isn't acceptable for the Christians who shop there (on account of marketing their in-group status heavily). Now they're normalizing the idea that good Christians don't use condoms.
posted by Banknote of the year at 9:22 AM on January 12, 2017 [2 favorites]


There's a religious sex shop near me called Husband & Wife. I've never been because the internet exists but the parking lot is always full of cars.
posted by Marinara at 11:15 AM on January 12, 2017


Dorothy Parker had a pet parakeet she named Onan, because he spilled his seed on the ground.
posted by bryon at 10:05 PM on January 12, 2017 [8 favorites]


If you daydream about sex/covet another's wife/fantasize about sex with a stranger, Jesus equates this to adultery.

but what about coveting another's ass? /obligatory
posted by corvine at 5:05 AM on January 13, 2017


Jesus' commandment related to adultery/stopping yourself from sin. I had to look it up, but: Matthew 5:28. If you daydream about sex/covet another's wife/fantasize about sex with a stranger, Jesus equates this to adultery. At least, that's what I was taught.

Well it does specify 'woman' so gay porn is totes okay, right?
posted by Zalzidrax at 7:09 AM on January 13, 2017


Christian Domestic Discipline is a strange world.
posted by stonepharisee at 8:24 AM on January 13, 2017 [1 favorite]


The power of christ compels you, apparently.
posted by Smedleyman at 11:39 AM on January 13, 2017


Covenant Spice? Isn't that the one they brought in after Geri left?
posted by yellowcandy at 8:03 PM on January 14, 2017 [2 favorites]


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