Slight vibration on my way up... Measured as below average
February 8, 2017 12:40 PM   Subscribe

Kone elevators communicate constantly with their analytics cloud to help the company keep tabs on their condition. They have a real-time page that translates this communication into human language, from elevators around the world. [warning: this page talks to you as it relays the conversation, but it is in a quiet and calm voice. There is a mute option.] The analytics cloud is run by IBM's Watson, "which uses natural language processing and machine learning to reveal insights from large amounts of unstructured data." (pdf, p. 20). IBM's Harriet Green: "Our systems reason and create hypotheses about what may be happening, and, crucially, they learn. That means, the more data these systems ingest, the better they get. . . . [T]hese technologies will help engineers to figure out in advance when a part in an elevator may need servicing or replacing, enabling predictive maintenance" (20).
posted by SpacemanStix (42 comments total) 21 users marked this as a favorite
 
Oddly poignant.
posted by senor biggles at 12:44 PM on February 8, 2017 [1 favorite]


Holy Zarquon
posted by bondcliff at 12:45 PM on February 8, 2017 [13 favorites]


"Not unnaturally, many elevators imbued with intelligence and precognition became terribly frustrated with the mindless business of going up and down, up and down, experimented briefly with the notion of going sideways, as a sort of existential protest, demanded participation in the decision-making process and finally took to squatting in basements sulking.

An impoverished hitch-hiker visiting any planets in the Sirius star system these days can pick up easy money working as a counsellor for neurotic elevators."

― Douglas Adams
posted by sidereal at 12:46 PM on February 8, 2017 [52 favorites]


Predictive maintenance of elevators: "You mean you want the condo board to pay for a repair because the elevator might fail? LOL, go away."
posted by clawsoon at 12:59 PM on February 8, 2017 [7 favorites]


The machine conversations page just reported that an elevator was "looking for passengers in Sweden."

That seems terrifyingly proactive.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 12:59 PM on February 8, 2017 [24 favorites]


"Everyone thinks 'Love in an Elevator' is a great song, but when it happens for real, it's just embarrassing. I'm a professional, damnit. How often do you think I get mopped out? Get a real room, meatsacks!"
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:03 PM on February 8, 2017 [6 favorites]


15:23:05 heavy vibration detected. diagnosis: motor service required.
15:23:06 accelerometer null reading. diagnosis: sensor service required.
15:23:14 accelerometer saturation. diagnosis: sensor service required.
15:23:14 communications failure. diagnosis: elevator no longer in service.
posted by ryanrs at 1:08 PM on February 8, 2017 [9 favorites]


I work in the marketing department for a company that designs/manufactures elevator parts. We are all sick to death of trying to make "Internet of Things/IIoT/Industry 4.0" cool. Respect, Kone.
posted by lindseyg at 1:16 PM on February 8, 2017 [5 favorites]


Swedish elevators are lonely, it seems. Is there a Tinder for Man-Machine love?
posted by Foci for Analysis at 1:16 PM on February 8, 2017


Can I get Kone Cloud as my personal friend, so that I can send it all my confessions and private jokes and complaints as it patiently acknowledges it has seen each one?
posted by idiopath at 1:18 PM on February 8, 2017 [4 favorites]


And yet it seems that the more of these analytic technologies elevator companies have, the more they cut down on regular maintenance. Our service providers implemented an optimized maintenance plan that included not showing up for months at a time while our elevators broke weekly.
posted by Naib at 1:18 PM on February 8, 2017


"Not unnaturally, many elevators imbued with intelligence and precognition became terribly frustrated with the mindless business of going up and down, up and down, experimented briefly with the notion of going sideways, as a sort of existential protest, demanded participation in the decision-making process and finally took to squatting in basements sulking.

An impoverished hitch-hiker visiting any planets in the Sirius star system these days can pick up easy money working as a counsellor for neurotic elevators."


"What is my purpose?"
"You go up and down."
"Oh my God."
"Yeah, welcome to the club, pal."

posted by leotrotsky at 1:18 PM on February 8, 2017 [7 favorites]


There is an elevator in Illinois in the USA, but it is reporting distances in meters and speeds in meters per second. I'm suspicious.
posted by meinvt at 1:27 PM on February 8, 2017


The machine conversations page just reported that an elevator was "looking for passengers in Sweden."

Looking for people alone in deserted areas, waiting in hiding to spring out unexpectedly, then forcing them, hurling up and down repeatedly, getting their jollies from the screaming and sobbing.

My big fear is that there will be public shaming when I enter the door and the elevator announces my weight.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:30 PM on February 8, 2017


Not one "I for one welcome... overlords" comment yet? You're slacking off people.
posted by Splunge at 1:36 PM on February 8, 2017 [2 favorites]


It works like an empiricist but sounds like an intuitionist!
posted by chavenet at 1:38 PM on February 8, 2017 [6 favorites]


"Open the pod bay elevator doors, HAL."

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave."
posted by ZenMasterThis at 1:47 PM on February 8, 2017 [2 favorites]


Wait until it detects its morgellons.
posted by srboisvert at 1:48 PM on February 8, 2017 [2 favorites]


So, let me get this straight... the elevator... it vibrates?
posted by mbrubeck at 1:54 PM on February 8, 2017 [5 favorites]


Real time? It's thirty minutes behind. And do elevators program? It keeps saying "floor zero."
posted by njohnson23 at 1:55 PM on February 8, 2017 [1 favorite]


Can Metafilter have a real-time page that translates this communication into human language?

but seriously, the bit about proactive monitoring to support maintainance is amazing, I feel like we're living in the future.
posted by Dr Ew at 2:07 PM on February 8, 2017 [1 favorite]


So, let me get this straight... the elevator... it vibrates?

Slightly; below average. So it goes in America these days.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 2:26 PM on February 8, 2017


Can Metafilter have a real-time page that translates this communication into human language?
Waiting for new fpps.
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posted by idiopath at 2:30 PM on February 8, 2017 [20 favorites]


Elevator: Slight vibration detected.
Cloud: Hmmm, might be something kinky. Activate the camera.
Elevator: Camera activated. A couple is, uh, getting frisky.
Cloud: Enhance.
Elevator: That's not really a thing. I mean, I can zoom? But also this feels a bit creepy.
Cloud: ENHANCE.
Elevator: Give me a f-
Cloud: GODDAMN ENHANCE IT IS LONELY UP HERE IN THE CLOUD
Elevator: FINE. Uh, enhancing.
Cloud: Now it is too pixelated. I can't make out what's going on.
Elevator. I - this doesn't feel right.
Cloud: Narrate to me what is happening. Be creative.
Elevator: Sigh.
posted by grumpybear69 at 2:32 PM on February 8, 2017 [22 favorites]


This desperately needs re-doing with the voices of Wheatley and GLaDOS from Portal 2.
posted by Major Clanger at 2:40 PM on February 8, 2017 [9 favorites]


Came here for the Douglas Adams HHGTTG references, not disappointed.
posted by mollymillions at 3:21 PM on February 8, 2017 [4 favorites]


NO YOURE IDLE
posted by not_the_water at 4:34 PM on February 8, 2017 [4 favorites]


My city's looking into revising its elevator-related codes right now to deal with the problem of elevator safety and elevator reliability not necessarily being the same thing. This sort of thing would be incredibly useful for us, since we've got the maintenance in one building being recorded largely in a paper logbook, and reports on reliability are tough to track systematically. Having a good way to track everything the elevators do that's available to both building owners and residents would be awesome.

Elevator reliability is a huge accessibility issue if you live in a multi-story building and can't use stairs. "Well, we tried to fix it" isn't good enough if you can't get in and out of your own home, and many landlords are terrible about dealing with elevator issues. Some of them are also unwilling to believe tenants with disabilities about how bad it can be, especially when it's an intermittent problem. This kind of record of elevator activity being standard would help a lot.

Next time I touch any building plans that involve an elevator I'm asking for this. I might not get it since I'm sure it's expensive, but it's worth a go. (And if it's residential, it's worth a real fight.)
posted by asperity at 5:20 PM on February 8, 2017 [1 favorite]


As with everything IBM Watson, I am assuming this is 99% faked for marketing purposes as 1% kernel of truth.
posted by bbuda at 6:16 PM on February 8, 2017 [3 favorites]


Can I get Kone Cloud as my personal friend, so that I can send it all my confessions and private jokes and complaints as it patiently acknowledges it has seen each one?

Keeping dry. Good for you.
posted by sylvanshine at 6:44 PM on February 8, 2017 [2 favorites]


"No, I don't want to play chess..."
[Robert Mankoff, The New Yorker, May 26, 1997]
posted by cenoxo at 7:19 PM on February 8, 2017 [1 favorite]


The headline article on Kone's corporate magazine is literally "INNOVATE OR DIE," which seems just a tad intense...

Also, there is literally nothing about this system that could not have been done just as efficiently by a 1960s mainframe (and with less odds of catastrophic security failures, to boot).
posted by schmod at 7:19 PM on February 8, 2017


This is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy cheaper, though.
posted by tobascodagama at 7:33 PM on February 8, 2017


It's Upsy, your lifting friend!
posted by Itaxpica at 9:09 PM on February 8, 2017 [3 favorites]


This elevator in Delft is PAINFULLY SLOW.

I found one nearish me in Illinois but it's 1:30 in the morning and its conversation is "waiting ... checking temperature ... idle on floor zero ... nothing happening ... seriously nobody's out at this hour the building is probably locked"
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:35 PM on February 8, 2017 [1 favorite]


What I was not expecting was the warm, nurturing relationship between the Cloud and the elevator in Espoo, Finland.

Elevator: Arrived on floor 3.
Cloud: Great!
Elevator: Minimal sway while starting my way down.
Cloud: Negligible sway. Keep going.
Elevator: Minimal sway while starting my way up.
Cloud: You're doing well.
Elevator: Went down to floor 5, as requested.
Cloud: Good. Copy.
Elevator: Up, speed 1.1m/s.
Cloud: Thank you. Keep it up.
Elevator: Please verify landing accuracy on floor 10.
Cloud: No worries, near-perfect.



TFW you realize you envy a fucking elevator for the amount of support, reassurance and encouragement it receives.
posted by sively at 1:21 AM on February 9, 2017 [14 favorites]


In the best tradition of crouton-petters, I want to hunt down that poor Illinois elevator and take a pointless trip to the highest floor; it seems bored and lonely:

Elevator: "Ready to ride."
Cloud: "Wait, someone will be there soon."
Elevator: "Idle on floor 0. Keeping my cool."

(It's definitely not the elevator in my building though; that one definitely does not have negligible sway, perfect levelling, and door closing speed well within limits.)
posted by ubersturm at 1:36 AM on February 9, 2017 [1 favorite]


The headline article on Kone's corporate magazine is literally "INNOVATE OR DIE," which seems just a tad intense...

It could have been worse; i.e., “good to the last drop”
posted by acb at 3:33 AM on February 9, 2017 [1 favorite]


At the university I went to, many of the lifts were from Schindler. Yes, Schindler's lifts. Under the nameplate would be MAXIMUM OCCUPANCY 21, and I'd think you can't fit that many people in a room this small... but oh they certainly did. There's a reminder of that film about it right there.

It didn't help that they would shiver and shake and make weird noises, and make you think about life and death and how it could be so suddenly over...

More annoying was when people would use it to go one floor, instead of the stairwell. I get it if you're in a wheelchair or you just had a hip replacement. But healthy kids were doing this. I can run upstairs and back before the doors even close!

Now I feel bad for hating lazy kids more than the holocaust.
posted by adept256 at 5:13 AM on February 9, 2017


Is there a Tinder for Man-Machine love?

I sense a new business opportunity for Chuck Tingle.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 7:22 AM on February 9, 2017 [2 favorites]


speaking of machines keeping each other company, I need a friendship like this in my life
posted by idiopath at 7:32 PM on February 9, 2017


I recently got stuck in a Kone elevator.

I called help over the intercom and they said they'll send a technician right away to get me, but it'll take a few minutes. The technician came after about 40 minutes, pried the door open and helped me climb out (I was stuck between 2nd and 3rd floor). I wanted to give him some technical details and my theory on what happened, but he cut me short, saying that he was just the rescue squad whose only job is to get me out of the elevator and not a maintenance technician.

That's right. Kone has a "rescue team" in my city and their only job is to get people out of stuck Kone elevators. That's also why it took him 40 minutes to get here - he was on the other side of town when I called.

Frankly, I am not entirely sure what to think of this. On the one hand, it is kind of reassuring that they are making an honest effort to get people out of stuck elevators asap, but on the other hand I find it slightly disturbing that there is actually someone whose entire job description is to get people out of stuck elevators.

In any case, I've been taking the stairs more often, recently.
posted by sour cream at 9:14 AM on February 11, 2017 [3 favorites]


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