Menses or Men Says?

February 22, 2017 8:37 AM

Laydeez! Wish you had more options to deal with your period? Mensez can help! A Kansas chiropractor has invented a product that is an adhesive in lipstick (get it? lip-stick?) form that is "used to seal the vagina during menstruation until the woman goes to urinate".

The internet had something to say about this.


An actual doctor weighs in on why gluing your labia shut during your period is a bad idea.

posted by chaoticgood (96 comments total)

I saw this a few days ago on r/badwomensanatomy, which is a great subreddit to follow if you like spewing inchoate rage noises at your computer screen.
posted by phunniemee at 8:42 AM on February 22, 2017 [19 favorites]

A chiropractor came up with this!?

Of course they did.
posted by Big Al 8000 at 8:46 AM on February 22, 2017 [74 favorites]

Come for the mensez, stay for the chelation treatment.
posted by fixedgear at 8:50 AM on February 22, 2017 [3 favorites]

See, when I read this on r/badwomensanatomy, I thought that this is clearly someone's sexual fantasy gone horribly out of control. I mean, really.
posted by RedEmma at 8:53 AM on February 22, 2017 [5 favorites]

Is there a handy German or Finnish word for that feeling when you realize something you had laughed at in your Facebook feed last week was a real actual thing?

Um, asking for a friend.
posted by Etrigan at 8:55 AM on February 22, 2017 [19 favorites]

Hmm. A product that inhibits the biological function for appearance's sake marketed toward women... Why does that seem familiar somehow...?
posted by saulgoodman at 8:57 AM on February 22, 2017 [15 favorites]

The internet had something to say about this.

Least surprising sentence I've read all day.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 9:01 AM on February 22, 2017 [6 favorites]

Oh, ffs.

I am at my mansplaining/men spouting crappy opinions about women's bodies limit for the day.

Do not want.
posted by custardfairy at 9:01 AM on February 22, 2017 [3 favorites]

Wow, the response linked above is really, really something. I mean, you'd never think that the guy who wants women to glue their bits shut is a creepy misogynist, but it turns out that he is.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:03 AM on February 22, 2017 [41 favorites]

I don't even have a vagina and I was like WTF!
posted by Confess, Fletch at 9:06 AM on February 22, 2017 [5 favorites]

I keep thinking that this has to be an elaborate troll, there's no possible way, right? Because nobody can look at this and think that "men sez ('says')" is supposed to be anything other than a mansplaining reference, right?
posted by straw at 9:07 AM on February 22, 2017 [14 favorites]

I want to hear from his lesbian receptionist. Specifically, I want to hear about what creative things she is undoubtedly doing to his coffee, office, calls, appointments, etc. If we want to field test Zersetzung against right wing crazies, this guy seems like as good a candidate as any.
posted by schadenfrau at 9:07 AM on February 22, 2017 [3 favorites]

I thought that this is clearly someone's sexual fantasy gone horribly out of control.

A rather uh... experienced friend told me that this is a real thing in BDSM. Supposedly whatever they use dissolves with vaginal lubrication. I thought I'd heard and seen it all but I was wrong.
posted by AFABulous at 9:09 AM on February 22, 2017 [5 favorites]

To prove the safety of his product for human use, the inventor should walk around for a week with his scrotum glued to his inner thighs. I'm not saying it would be equivalent, or that it would necessarily teach him anything. I just think it would be funny.
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:10 AM on February 22, 2017 [63 favorites]

walk around for a week with his scrotum glued to his inner thighs

So ... basically late August?
posted by uncleozzy at 9:12 AM on February 22, 2017 [45 favorites]

Some years back there was a police report of a woman who super glued her cheating man's junk to his stomach. This would seem to involve the same mix of poor judgement and bad decisions.
posted by Dip Flash at 9:22 AM on February 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

No. No no no. NO.
posted by lilies.lilies at 9:23 AM on February 22, 2017

custardfairy: "Oh, ffs.

I am at my mansplaining/men spouting crappy opinions about women's bodies limit for the day.

Do not want."

I am a guy and this makes me shudder to no end. Not to mention I expect retaining menses can NOT be healthy in any way shape or form
posted by Samizdata at 9:27 AM on February 22, 2017

Also, Metafilter provides me a second "What? I DON'T EVEN..." in two days.

Becoming increasingly less sure thanks is due.
posted by Samizdata at 9:28 AM on February 22, 2017

I have considered this and arrived at a conclusion.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:31 AM on February 22, 2017 [5 favorites]

Even assuming that this idiotic glue stick did work (extremely unlikely!), I can't even imagine the contortions required to re-glue one's bits in the privacy of your own home, let alone while on a toilet in a narrow stall in a public restroom.

I've got to agree with this dude's brother Brad: he's insane.
posted by easily confused at 9:33 AM on February 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

Surely this.
posted by amanda at 9:33 AM on February 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

is this the new Oroville Dam thread
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:34 AM on February 22, 2017 [39 favorites]

This dude should use it on his mouth.
posted by jonmc at 9:37 AM on February 22, 2017 [17 favorites]

Sort of a temporary version of female genital mutilation. Seems legit.
posted by scratch at 9:41 AM on February 22, 2017 [7 favorites]

Pretty sure Mike Pence has to be behind this.
posted by rhizome at 9:43 AM on February 22, 2017 [5 favorites]

If it weren't for the patent I'd be sure the whole thing was a joke. But there it is, granted in January 2017 after five years' review. One wonders if the patent office goes extra slow on patents they pass around for the lulz. "Hey Wanda, get a load of this one; it's a glue-stick for your coochie!".

I particularly like claim 5

The method of claim 2 wherein the adhesive disposition step further comprises providing an adhesive having a release force character which is less than the tensile strength of skin.

Basically that's turning the labia into post-it notes. Remove, re-attach! But thank goodness for claim #f; I'm a bit alarmed by the idea of using a glue stronger than the force required to tear the skin.
posted by Nelson at 9:51 AM on February 22, 2017 [11 favorites]

a glue-stick for your coochie

"Coochie Glue" would probably be a better name than Mensez, come to think of it.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:53 AM on February 22, 2017 [26 favorites]

Men Sez... gettit....Men Sez...


this war against women is going viral
posted by infini at 10:00 AM on February 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

Rock-N-Roll™ brand Coochie Glue. You won't stop moving when it first takes hold.
posted by hanov3r at 10:03 AM on February 22, 2017 [24 favorites]

I'm exhausted. I'm just really exhausted.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 10:07 AM on February 22, 2017 [4 favorites]

What the actual fuck is this. Also that facebook reply from the 'inventor' to the tweetstorm in the "this" link.

Ugh.
posted by INFJ at 10:12 AM on February 22, 2017

I am a guy and this makes me shudder to no end. Not to mention I expect retaining menses can NOT be healthy in any way shape or form

Nothing wrong with it as long as it's done using techniques invented by non-insane people.
posted by flabdablet at 10:19 AM on February 22, 2017 [7 favorites]

Rock-N-Roll™ brand Coochie Glue.

Thanks for tea sprayed on monitor.
posted by Klaxon Aoooogah at 10:21 AM on February 22, 2017 [5 favorites]

Rock-N-Roll™ Coochie Glue

Lawdy mama, I re-fuse
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:21 AM on February 22, 2017 [21 favorites]

So forgoing the fact that it's stupid..

You'd also have to wax or shave bare to use this product. I just baffle at the assumption that there isn't pubes to get in the way, or that you run the risk of ripping them out when you need to remove the glue.
posted by INFJ at 10:35 AM on February 22, 2017 [4 favorites]

I, too, often look for already-solved problems that I can apply a new, and frankly horrifying, solution to.
posted by tommasz at 10:38 AM on February 22, 2017 [19 favorites]

/me seals face with polyurethane so beard hairs simply can't come out
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 10:41 AM on February 22, 2017 [13 favorites]

Rock-N-Roll™ Coochie Glue

Truck on out and spread... the news!
posted by sexyrobot at 10:46 AM on February 22, 2017 [9 favorites]

Sort of a temporary version of female genital mutilation.

I see you're also a little confused about anatomy...
posted by AFABulous at 10:49 AM on February 22, 2017 [5 favorites]

Ugh. This is a product made by a man who clearly hates women. Let's keep women's "gross, crusty, smelly and incredibly awful*" stuff inside their bodies by literally gluing their genitals shut. You'll thank me for my ingenuity! Yeah....what a pal.

*Real quote!
posted by but no cigar at 10:51 AM on February 22, 2017 [7 favorites]

Jesus christ, if I ever start telling women that I know better than they how to care for their own genitals, someone do me a favor and put me out of my misery, OK? thx.
posted by caution live frogs at 10:51 AM on February 22, 2017 [5 favorites]

I'd guess they were thinking of infibulation, AFABulous.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 10:53 AM on February 22, 2017 [9 favorites]

You'd also have to wax or shave bare to use this product. I just baffle at the assumption that there isn't pubes to get in the way, or that you run the risk of ripping them out when you need to remove the glue.

That is exactly what I thought. Unless you apply the seal to the edge of the vagina there's gotta be at least one hair that gets stuck in there. Ugh, like that one hair that catches on the pantyliner and then you go to walk and it riiiiiiiiips out . . .

This is indeed a problem that has already been solved, and by women. Menstrual cups already keep blood from exiting the vagina until a woman decides to take it out. Tampons also do this. And pads are not "diapers", good Lord.
posted by chainsofreedom at 10:55 AM on February 22, 2017 [18 favorites]

It coming unstuck when a the user goes to the washroom reminds me of my friend's boyfriend in high school who thought that women's periods came out as another "function" when they were going to the washroom and that it was all otherwise held in until it could be expelled then. I guess now he can be right.
posted by urbanlenny at 10:57 AM on February 22, 2017 [5 favorites]

There are whole industries run by men who think they know best about this stuff. Off the top of my head is the FDA.

Go out in search of sea sponges as alternatives to tampons. All the sea sponge sellers on amazon have questions and replies about how the FDA hasn't given approval for sea sponges to be used as menses absorbents so they have to tell you that their product is not for that reason.

The entire period industry is stuck in the 1960's.
posted by INFJ at 10:58 AM on February 22, 2017 [5 favorites]

they were going to the washroom and that it was all otherwise held in until it could be expelled then. I guess now he can be right.

Among many other problems...Even if he did have a magical glue (that could be applied with a spray bottle? That seems like a disaster waiting to happen), does he think the blood will just magically cleanly eject when the seal is broken? Or does he have stock in cleaning wipes/toilet paper?
posted by ghost phoneme at 11:06 AM on February 22, 2017

Wow, the response linked above is really, really something.

Genuinely shocked to not find any uses of "sheeple" in that wall of text.
posted by tobascodagama at 11:12 AM on February 22, 2017

"Breaking the seal" indeed...
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:14 AM on February 22, 2017 [4 favorites]

I see you're also a little confused about anatomy...

FGM isn't just clitoral excision. infibulation involves sewing the vulva shut.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:24 AM on February 22, 2017 [10 favorites]

Even assuming that this idiotic glue stick did work (extremely unlikely!), I can't even imagine the contortions required to re-glue one's bits in the privacy of your own home, let alone while on a toilet in a narrow stall in a public restroom.

No contortions necessary! All you need to do is apply this powerful industrial solvent to your... why are you running?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:26 AM on February 22, 2017 [7 favorites]

Thanks for the correction about FGM. Even more horrifying than I thought.
posted by AFABulous at 11:30 AM on February 22, 2017 [7 favorites]

There are whole industries run by men who think they know best about this stuff. Off the top of my head is the FDA.

Go out in search of sea sponges as alternatives to tampons. All the sea sponge sellers on amazon have questions and replies about how the FDA hasn't given approval for sea sponges to be used as menses absorbents so they have to tell you that their product is not for that reason.

Dr. Jen Guntner, who is both a woman and a board-certified OB/GYN, doesn't like them either:

According to the Food and Drug Administration, twelve “menstrual sponges” were tested at the University of Iowa in the 1980s and they and contained sand, grit, bacteria, and “various other materials.” Another batch was tested by the Baltimore district laboratory and in addition to the sand, grit and bacteria they also found yeast and mold. One sample contained Staphylococcus aureus (the bacteria that causes toxic shock syndrome). As the FDA notes there is least one case of toxic shock syndrome associated with the sea sponge and another possible one.

The grossness of a debris and “various other materials” containing vaginal sponge aside there are real potential safety concerns. Bits could break off and become a nidus for bacteria, the sponge itself could have harmful bacteria, sponges may change the vaginal ecosystem promoting the growth of good bacteria, the inability to clean them adequately between uses may reintroduce potentially harmful bacteria that was breeding in the wet sponge sat drying beside the sink, and the sponge may cause abrasions during insertion and/or removal.

posted by Lexica at 11:41 AM on February 22, 2017 [14 favorites]

You'd also have to wax or shave bare to use this product. I just baffle at the assumption that there isn't pubes to get in the way, or that you run the risk of ripping them out when you need to remove the glue.

That's a feature, not a bug. At-home waxing is already a thing, so this could be advertised as one-stop shopping for all painful needs.
posted by Dip Flash at 11:42 AM on February 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

Thimk of all the other innovative body-gluing uses! Diarrhea treatment. Runny nose. Can't stop crying.
posted by ctmf at 11:48 AM on February 22, 2017 [20 favorites]

I'm astonished that this guy is promoting this product as a way to solve women being unproductive and distracted by their periods. I promise, I am not unproductive and distracted because of anything that's coming out of my vagina. I am unproductive and distracted because of back pain and cramping. (And now, because of this guy being a tool.) Period pain has historically been really neglected and dismissed and people still don't realize that "I have to wear pads and/or tampons and/or a menstrual cup" is not as big a problem as "I am in so much pain that I'm quietly weeping in a corner."
posted by Jeanne at 11:53 AM on February 22, 2017 [47 favorites]

In the past few months, I've read two stories about men who thought that women could just hold in (?) their menses, I guess like holding your pee. One was about a relatively young guy (late teenager to early twenties) and the other was in his sixties. I guess this guy is one step beyond those knuckleheads (like, had they never had a nosebleed or what?) but man... where he took that step was straight into lunacy.
posted by mhum at 11:59 AM on February 22, 2017 [5 favorites]

So, I'm assuming this feller uses a squirt of Elmer's instead of a condom?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:03 PM on February 22, 2017 [20 favorites]

I don't even know what's real any more.

I'm just pasting that as my comment on just about everything these days.
posted by bongo_x at 12:09 PM on February 22, 2017 [10 favorites]

So, I'm assuming this feller uses a squirt of Elmer's instead of a condom?

I recommend using permanent epoxy instead, so this wackjob never manages to reproduce.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:27 PM on February 22, 2017 [8 favorites]

grout.
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:28 PM on February 22, 2017 [10 favorites]

Polyurethrane, surely.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:30 PM on February 22, 2017 [12 favorites]

> I'm astonished that this guy is promoting this product as a way to solve women being unproductive and distracted by their periods.

Yeah, in the long, long list of his faulty, misogynistic logic is the idea that the problem with our poor female brains during our periods is primarily that we're...distracted by our disgust at blood? Rather than being in actual pain? He hasn't heard of cramps?

I mean, maybe not, since he hasn't heard of pubic hair, sweat glands, the location of urethral opening versus the vagina, the shape variations of labia, how mucus membranes work...
posted by desuetude at 12:32 PM on February 22, 2017 [20 favorites]

I agree this is some kind of sick and twisted sexual fantasy -- apparently straight out of menz collective unconscious, given the number of examples that turn up in a simple 'limerick vagina glue' search.
posted by jamjam at 1:00 PM on February 22, 2017

Caulk?
posted by ApathyGirl at 1:04 PM on February 22, 2017

Tampons aint plugs, buddy.
posted by Grandysaur at 1:16 PM on February 22, 2017 [3 favorites]

given the number of examples that turn up in a simple 'limerick vagina glue' search.

your ads are going to be real weird
posted by AFABulous at 1:22 PM on February 22, 2017 [31 favorites]

More and more I feel like David after the Dentist just constantly repeating to myself "is this real life?"
posted by Constant Reader at 1:38 PM on February 22, 2017 [7 favorites]

#notallmensez
posted by Joe in Australia at 1:43 PM on February 22, 2017 [3 favorites]

Looks like he got carried away by a generalized mania to seal things:

"According to a patent search, patent US9539077 B1 has a publication date of January 10, 2017, and it is owned by Daniel A. Dopps. Dopps also has multiple patent variants for bottle capping assembly, and a resealable snack bag that has a 'set of snaps' that are 'fixed directly onto the bag.'

According to Dopps’ Linkedin, he is also the CEO, President of Wave-Cap Closures, which holds the patent for 'On-The-Go’ Beverage Caps!'"

I kindof like his snappy snack bag idea. It looks like it works like a dry bag that you'd take canoeing.
posted by Don Pepino at 2:02 PM on February 22, 2017 [3 favorites]

Don Pepino: Looks like he got carried away by a generalized mania to seal things

The Chiropractor of Amontillado?
posted by hanov3r at 2:25 PM on February 22, 2017 [17 favorites]

I am scheduled to help teach an Our Whole Lives (sex-ed) class this spring for teenagers, I guess it's good to be prepared when they ask me about this. And the sea sponges, though we already had info on that.

(We do go over the fact that you can't "hold in" a period, among a lot of other information, so we are trying to cut down on the appalling ignorance that is out there, one confused teenager at a time.)

(We are also talking about starting up a sex-ed class for adults to help out all the grown people who had shitty sex ed as teens. Yes, there is a demand for this, and OWL has a curriculum for it. We've been told that some classes get senior citizens sign up who have gone their whole lives without a place to ask questions about this).
posted by emjaybee at 2:36 PM on February 22, 2017 [17 favorites]

I'm assuming this feller uses a squirt of Elmer's instead of a condom?

To be fair, that actually works.
posted by flabdablet at 2:46 PM on February 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

this guy is promoting this product as a way to solve women being unproductive and distracted by their periods

Maybe he should expend some effort solving the problem of women being unproductive and distracted because of the idiot men they have to deal with and their hostile, ignorant, condescending behavior.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 2:58 PM on February 22, 2017 [11 favorites]

solving the problem of women being unproductive and distracted because of the idiot men they have to deal with and their hostile, ignorant, condescending behavior

A method for controlling mansplainal flow including sphincterally contracting and expanding labia oris having a superior tuberculum, such anatomical structures moving to a closed position upon each sphincteral contraction or to an opened position upon each sphincteral expansion; adhering the labia oris, each adhesion securing the labia oris at the closed position; and resisting mansplainal flow, the resistance occurring on sphincteral contraction and adhesion, each adhering step disposing a hydrophobic and bio-compatible adhesive selected from cyanoacrylate adhesives, epoxy adhesives, and silicone adhesives, and each disposition step utilizing an applicator selected from brushes, swabs, rub-on sticks, roll-on applicators, pump sprayers, aerosol sprayers, squeeze tube applicators, bottle applicators and high energy knuckle applicators.
posted by flabdablet at 3:18 PM on February 22, 2017 [19 favorites]

I'm assuming this feller uses a squirt of Elmer's instead of a condom?

To be fair, that actually works.

Well, I'll be dammed.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:20 PM on February 22, 2017 [7 favorites]

adhering the labia oris, each adhesion securing the labia oris at the closed position; and resisting mansplainal flow

The good thing is, symptoms should clear up permanently in a week to ten days.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:36 PM on February 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

I thought this couldn't get any more cringe-worthy until I read the phrase "granted in January 2017 after five years' review" and the words "first two years of a five year study" popped into my head.
posted by dances with hamsters at 3:55 PM on February 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

So, I'm assuming this feller uses a squirt of Elmer's instead of a condom?

Real men use Great Stuff™. Each can even comes with a nice thin applicator tube and, as a side effect, you'll never experience a drafty urethra or insect invasions again!
posted by Hairy Lobster at 5:54 PM on February 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

Great, a new way for women to be secretive...
posted by benadryl at 7:31 PM on February 22, 2017

"Coochie Glue" would probably be a better name than Mensez, come to think of it.

I think "Vagtite" would do about as well with focus groups as Mensez. No practical amount of bar raising is going to do anything here but create a tripping hazard.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 7:34 PM on February 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

Mons-Bond
posted by rhizome at 8:31 PM on February 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

Mense-Fence
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:32 PM on February 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

No Flow
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:33 PM on February 22, 2017

See, the problem is that the opening of the vulva causes a subluxation blocking your innate intelligence, so gluing it together will help you be more rational and understand why gluing your labia together and then later rubbing pee on them to release them is actually a brilliant idea.
posted by biogeo at 10:07 PM on February 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

Even if his harebrained idea actually worked, wasn't based on misogyny, and we all waxed ourselves in preparation for our labia glue -- doesn't he know we have sweat glands in our crotchular regions and that sweat contains urea?

I dunno, my period starts tomorrow so maybe I'm not thinking this through clearly.
posted by desuetude at 11:06 PM on February 22, 2017 [3 favorites]

Then you'll want to use Mons-Bond with Nair™.
posted by rhizome at 11:46 PM on February 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'll do that the second he glues his asshole shut.

And his mouth - because on him, they're indistinguishable.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 1:19 AM on February 23, 2017 [4 favorites]

Pubi-Tite
posted by ctmf at 3:01 AM on February 23, 2017 [1 favorite]

So the very first actual webpage I ever wrote and put up on the internet* was a menstruation-related HOWTO that explained what the main options (tampons, pads, sponges, and cups) are. And whenever I hear about a new method of dealing with menses, I think, "oh am I gonna have to update that webpage?" And I certainly don't have to update it today to say "here's another thing you could try" but there is a part of me that wonders whether I should update it to say "and by the way DO NOT DO THIS". But there's a lot of stuff you shouldn't do. I used to look at the search queries that got to that page and the one I remember most was about whether you can put in two tampons at once. I haven't looked in a while and I'm fairly reluctant to.


* ok, there is the FortuneCity standalone site I made as a gift for my boyfriend's birthday, and then turned into a l33t anti-MPAA site that mirrored the DeCSS code, I think that predated this
posted by brainwane at 6:17 AM on February 23, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'm just so, so happy to see that so many MeFites also frequent the cringey hell that is r/badwomensanatomy. The misogynatomy posts in particular are awful.
posted by rachaelfaith at 6:57 AM on February 23, 2017 [1 favorite]

Glue Labia, Glue Danger
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 3:16 PM on February 23, 2017

Glue Danger, International Super Spy!

"Don't worry chief, I'll stick to this mission like..well, you know."
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:02 PM on February 23, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'm moving to the goddamn moon.
posted by louche mustachio at 5:58 PM on February 23, 2017 [1 favorite]

Glue Danger, International Super Spy!

Starring Glu Culager.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:14 AM on February 24, 2017

This seems appropriate. (SNL)
posted by caution live frogs at 11:52 AM on February 24, 2017 [1 favorite]