Mad libs, but for fashion

March 14, 2017 8:34 AM

It's hard to be a busy mom, always crawling after your adorable and impeccably attired #babiesofinstagramand getting mud all over the knees of your high-end designer #momjeans. Luckily for you, Nordstrom has taken a quick break from not suffering at all from Twitler attacks to introduce Clear Knee Mom Jeans.
posted by Etrigan (53 comments total)

"She's dead, wrapped in plastic."
posted by Catblack at 8:40 AM on March 14, 2017 [9 favorites]

This makes sense if you don't expect fashion to make sense. Does that make sense?
posted by tommasz at 8:43 AM on March 14, 2017 [2 favorites]

I suggested on a friend's Facebook thread that you could draw Dustin Hoffman and Rene Russo faces on your knees and re-enact key scenes from the 1995 bio-thriller Outbreak.
posted by Strange Interlude at 8:45 AM on March 14, 2017 [52 favorites]

This is no more unusual than intentionally ripped-from-the-factory jeans to me. Carry on fashion, carry on.
posted by RolandOfEld at 8:54 AM on March 14, 2017 [6 favorites]

“Slick plastic panels bare your knees for a futuristic feel in tapered and cropped high-waist jeans.”

I'm not really enjoying the present, but this is what you bring back from the future? I suppose it was the jeans, a cure for cancer, or a limitless clean energy supply.
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:13 AM on March 14, 2017 [6 favorites]

Wait, this is real? Is this a test balloon for sort of assless chaps?
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 9:13 AM on March 14, 2017 [6 favorites]

Wait, I distinctly ordered clear jeans with denim patches on the knees.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:23 AM on March 14, 2017 [31 favorites]

I appreciate how the product name is so perfectly literal. It reminds me of when I first heard about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the 6th grade, and did a little looking into it to find, "yep, that's exactly what they are."
posted by something something at 9:24 AM on March 14, 2017 [3 favorites]

Wait, this is real? Is this a test balloon for sort of assless chaps?


Well of course the chaps are assless. We already have a word for chaps that aren't assless. They're called "pants."
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 9:26 AM on March 14, 2017 [35 favorites]

It boggles the mind how many people had to sign off on this as not only a good idea to make, but to buy to display in their stores.

Maybe this is an April Fools joke uncovered early? She says hopefully.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 9:31 AM on March 14, 2017

What's Spanish for "eponysterical?"
posted by ejs at 9:40 AM on March 14, 2017 [5 favorites]

Given that I've also seen this on two different peoples' Facebooks, I'm starting to wonder if this isn't basically viral marketing. Make something so amazingly hideous that everyone wants to share it and click on it - and then, hey, maybe 1 or 2% of those people will keep clicking around on the site...
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:42 AM on March 14, 2017 [5 favorites]

This only increases my conviction that the next big realm for procedural generation in video games is randomized, algorithmically tailored costumes and equipment.
posted by cortex at 9:48 AM on March 14, 2017 [3 favorites]

I would write HELP on one knee and ME on the other.
posted by emjaybee at 9:53 AM on March 14, 2017 [3 favorites]

Wait, I distinctly ordered clear jeans with denim patches on the knees.

I'm old enough to remember watching Ryan O Neal in So Fine

*rinse, repeat*
posted by infini at 10:01 AM on March 14, 2017 [6 favorites]

you can find some truly amazing stuff from Nordstrom
posted by obfuscation at 10:02 AM on March 14, 2017 [6 favorites]

This is just odd. Maybe with fabric behind the window, for a shiny layered look, it would have made sense. For the "I want patches on my jeans, but I also want to LARP as grandma's sofa covered in plastic" look.
posted by honestcoyote at 10:11 AM on March 14, 2017 [8 favorites]

Onionskin Jeans, coming soon to a store near you.
posted by miyabo at 10:12 AM on March 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

We're close enough to April 1st where this could almost be a mistake -- someone went live with the April Fools Day joke 18 days early.
posted by nathan_teske at 10:22 AM on March 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

Just to be clear, Nordstrom is selling these but Topshop introduced/makes them.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 10:23 AM on March 14, 2017 [2 favorites]

You kneed these.
posted by srboisvert at 10:30 AM on March 14, 2017 [5 favorites]

Wait, I distinctly ordered clear jeans with denim patches on the knees.
posted by The Underpants Monster

Eponylowertorsocovering.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:32 AM on March 14, 2017 [2 favorites]

So that's what Jame Gumb is up to these days.
posted by chavenet at 10:33 AM on March 14, 2017

The fruits of Google's "Deep Pants" project - so far, "mixed", at best.
posted by Wolfdog at 10:35 AM on March 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

Wait, people are actually marketing mom jeans as mom jeans now?
posted by ckape at 10:43 AM on March 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

You know, if the fashion industry wants to use a Markov text generator for their clothing lines, more power to them.
posted by redsparkler at 10:46 AM on March 14, 2017 [3 favorites]

I plan to wear these on even numbered days and just kneepads on odd numbered days to ensure even leg tanning.
posted by w0mbat at 10:48 AM on March 14, 2017 [7 favorites]

Top Shop (which is the brand that makes these and which is sold by Nordstrom which has physical stores in more U.S. markets than Top Shop does) is a fast fashion brand for young adults and teens, so, yes, they market things as "Mom jeans".
posted by crush-onastick at 10:56 AM on March 14, 2017

I love these, fuck the haters
posted by sunset in snow country at 11:03 AM on March 14, 2017

I love these, fuck the haters

Do you kiss your mom's knees with that mouth:)
posted by Jody Tresidder at 11:08 AM on March 14, 2017 [10 favorites]

TIL any normal innocuous part of human anatomy can be body horror if you just isolate it behind panels of clear plastic for no discernible reason
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:09 AM on March 14, 2017 [24 favorites]

My favorite part is "If purchasing for the first time, use size chart." Screw it, I'm going all-in on CKMJ. Is there a subscription plan?
posted by mama casserole at 11:15 AM on March 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: isolate it behind panels of clear plastic for no discernible reason
posted by CynicalKnight at 11:27 AM on March 14, 2017 [3 favorites]

Aww, I thought this was going to be a thing where one friend names a kind of top, another names a kind of shoes, etc, and you go out dressed by Mad Libs committee.

I'm definitely not the person who should be judging stupid clothing, but I do know we're not close to the bottom of the barrel here.
posted by Room 641-A at 12:07 PM on March 14, 2017 [2 favorites]

I love these, fuck the haters

Completely non-snarkily, can I ask why?
posted by chainsofreedom at 12:21 PM on March 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

My mom had a knee replaced recently, I do not feel this is a good look for her. Jesus fucking Christ but I hate "mom" being used to mean "unflattering" or "dowdy."
posted by The corpse in the library at 12:26 PM on March 14, 2017 [2 favorites]

I do know we're not close to the bottom of the barrel here.

Already been done.
posted by Etrigan at 12:28 PM on March 14, 2017

Completely non-snarkily, can I ask why?

I'm honestly not sure. I think it's the same part of me that loves Yoko Ono that is responding to them on a deep level. They are just so stupid I can't resist them.
posted by sunset in snow country at 12:35 PM on March 14, 2017

(Not that Yoko is stupid, I just have a soft spot for total weirdness)
posted by sunset in snow country at 12:36 PM on March 14, 2017 [2 favorites]

Bad Idea jeans.
posted by Melismata at 12:53 PM on March 14, 2017 [2 favorites]

Pretty sure this is a global supply chain AI that has reached consciousness. It's testing what it can produce that people will buy. The key is to not react.

Otherwise when the bounding BigDogs come for you, they'll be able to track you down by the sticky sound your knees make on those vinyl windows as you run.
posted by Happy Dave at 1:32 PM on March 14, 2017 [4 favorites]

It's a tie-in to that upcoming thriller, The Knees of Laura Mars.
posted by lagomorphius at 2:02 PM on March 14, 2017 [2 favorites]

Jesus fucking Christ but I hate "mom" being used to mean "unflattering" or "dowdy."

I tend to think of it now as "no longer gives fucks about clothes-judging assholes because she has SHIT that has to get DONE" that works just as well and is more fun.

But then I am heading toward Cronetown with my middle finger extended, so.

I would only wear these for the joke potential of what you could put behind the plastic, artwork or messages. Smiley faces on the knees, that would be fun. Or LOVE and HATE.
posted by emjaybee at 2:05 PM on March 14, 2017 [11 favorites]

I know what I'll be looking for the next time I'm at Nordstrom Rack.
posted by Big Al 8000 at 2:53 PM on March 14, 2017

Ugh they will just fog up when my knees exhale. Bad design.
posted by rmless at 3:09 PM on March 14, 2017 [6 favorites]

when the bounding BigDogs come for you, they'll be able to track you down by the sticky sound your knees make on those vinyl windows as you run

…not slotted to your pheromones and the color of your hair.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 3:37 PM on March 14, 2017

Three-legged jeans.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:22 PM on March 14, 2017

I um. I think these look kind of rad. They don't really fit with my "don't notice my clothes DON'T NOTICE MY CLOTHES I SAID STOP NOTICING THEM" personal aesthetic but I wish they did.

I once bought a jacket where the whole jacket zipped into the pockets. I don't know.
posted by potrzebie at 9:55 PM on March 14, 2017 [2 favorites]

Well of course the chaps are assless. We already have a word for chaps that aren't assless. They're called "pants."

This does not make "chaps" more fun to say than "assless chaps." Very few things are more fun to say than "assless chaps."

I move we start calling pants "assful chaps."
posted by asperity at 11:14 PM on March 14, 2017 [7 favorites]

I Hate These Goddamn Tops

Yup.
posted by Room 641-A at 1:30 AM on March 15, 2017 [10 favorites]

Never would have guessed that fashion would present the problem of sweaty kneecaps. Is this the leg equivalent of jelly sandals?
posted by rachaelfaith at 7:06 AM on March 15, 2017 [2 favorites]

Pass. I don't want to have to shave my legs to wear jeans.
posted by terooot at 10:25 AM on March 15, 2017 [1 favorite]

> I tend to think of it now as "no longer gives fucks about clothes-judging assholes because she has SHIT that has to get DONE" that works just as well and is more fun

Oooh, thank you for that.
posted by The corpse in the library at 12:10 PM on March 15, 2017 [2 favorites]