Sorgmæddi beinirinn - "Stave for fast Wifi"

March 21, 2017 4:36 PM

"Take your router and carve this stave onto it using the tip of a narwhal tusk. Place the router in a bucket and fill the bucket with Brennivín. Leave the router soaking in the bucket for twenty four hours. Your Wifi will always be super-fast and your house will smell of caraway."

Icelandic Magic For Modern Living takes traditional medieval magic and updates it for the 21st century. Historical documents such as the Huld manuscript, the Galdrabók and various eddas provide much of what we know of the staves, rituals and bindrunes. They range from sigils to determine the provenance of butter, to the stave for creating money-making necropants.

While there are people creating new staves and bindrunes (not to mention people getting them tattooed all over the place), Justin Foster maintains a meticulously researched and fascinating webpage on the subject.

posted by auntie-matter (44 comments total)

"Take your router and carve this stave onto it using the tip of a narwhal tusk. Place the router in a bucket and fill the bucket with Brennivín. Leave the router soaking in the bucket for twenty four hours. Your Wifi will always be super-fast and your house will smell of caraway."

I can think of no better way to rust the shit out of the logic board of the router over a medium long period of time.
posted by Talez at 4:54 PM on March 21, 2017

The book, and the magic, in the first link might just be a parody.

Interesting question though, do electronics rust? Assuming the power is off and they are dried before using, would that damage them? Solder doesn't rust, chips are usually sealed... I've dropped phones into cups of tea in the past and they've been fine after drying. Also Brennivín is 45% alcohol or so.
posted by auntie-matter at 5:01 PM on March 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

I can think of no better way to rust the shit out of the logic board of the router over a medium long period of time.

Obviously you start with the stave to avoid logic board rust. Duh. Nobody wants rusty, um, fiberglass.
posted by The Bellman at 5:11 PM on March 21, 2017 [8 favorites]

There is some sci-fi novel in here about a society where AI does everything for humanity, people have forgotten all about technology, and perform magical rituals like this.
posted by destrius at 5:16 PM on March 21, 2017 [9 favorites]

My live demonstration will work as intended
posted by zamboni at 5:29 PM on March 21, 2017 [9 favorites]

perform magical rituals like this.


I know, right?

*blows in game cartridge, presses walk signal, taps close elevator door button repeatedly, performs a SMC reset, turns it off and on again*
posted by zamboni at 5:36 PM on March 21, 2017 [35 favorites]

Nobody wants rusty, um, fiberglass.

Hey now, I went to high school with Rusty M. Fiberglass, he was a cool dude.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:53 PM on March 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

Also, "Necropants" would be a good Scandinavian death-metal band name
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:55 PM on March 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

The Icelandic word for "computer" is tölva: a combination of tala (number) and völva (female seer or prophetess). If your computer is a number-prophetess, it makes sense to propitiate her with your best incantations.
posted by Pallas Athena at 6:06 PM on March 21, 2017 [29 favorites]

That book somewhere in here could well be the Warhammer 40k universe. Most tech is so old and forgotten that it can't be replicated and tech-priests anoint gear with sacred oils to keep the machine-spirits happy. Whether the priests actually fully buy into it is debatable/varying. They do really blend religion and science though, gotta keep the Omnissiah pleased.
posted by Peter B-S at 6:15 PM on March 21, 2017 [5 favorites]

" Your Wifi will always be super-fast and your house will smell of caraway".

Even if the ritual doesn't speed up your wifi, your house still smells of caraway, so it seems like a win-win?
posted by tobascodagama at 6:23 PM on March 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

Only if you like the smell of caraway.
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:42 PM on March 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

Peter B-S: "That book somewhere in here could well be the Warhammer 40k universe. Most tech is so old and forgotten that it can't be replicated and tech-priests anoint gear with sacred oils to keep the machine-spirits happy. Whether the priests actually fully buy into it is debatable/varying. They do really blend religion and science though, gotta keep the Omnissiah pleased."

And saying a piece of kit, be it power armor or a Dreadnought (a should be dead military officer who is in a life-support sarcophagus attached to a walking war machine (think mech, but less graceful and more murdery)), is venerable is considered a good thing. (Also, said Dreadnoughts are kept in suspension until they are needed, with the reawakening being rather violent affairs on many occasions.

Only in death does duty end. The Emperor protects.
posted by Samizdata at 6:57 PM on March 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

/r/The_Donald has nearly ruined 40k for me, with all their "God-Emperor" bullshit. More than the hacky 40k tie-in writers who forgot that all the Spess Mehreen stuff was supposed to be cheeky-satirical already did. (I've only got time for Dan Abnett and Sandy Mitchell, to be perfectly honest.)
posted by tobascodagama at 7:10 PM on March 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

This is cool. Have the alt-right white supremacists ruined this already, or can I safely fall down a web-hole for this stuff?
posted by rmd1023 at 8:02 PM on March 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

I misread that as "monkey-making necropants" and was delighted, then re-read it and was crestfallen. Who needs money when you could have monkeys?
posted by axiom at 8:50 PM on March 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

I don’t get it: is this supposed to be a joke or serious? A cursory glance of the final link doesn’t show anything about efficacy, which is really the only question to ask about these binding spells and runes. Is there evidence?
posted by koavf at 9:10 PM on March 21, 2017

Once I won $50 for knowing about necropants, for which I say "Thanks, MetaFilter!"
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:11 PM on March 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

That book exists, Destrius. It's called Jovah's Angel and it's by Sharon Shinn. She actually wrote several books in the series, all in different time periods - but did not write them in chronological order, so you actually get to see how knowledge gets lost.
posted by rednikki at 10:17 PM on March 21, 2017

> I don’t get it: is this supposed to be a joke or serious?

You should have asked before going through the effort of getting that narwhal tusk.
posted by ardgedee at 10:47 PM on March 21, 2017 [7 favorites]

Hey, lotsa' things you can do with a narwhal tusk.
posted by mikurski at 12:34 AM on March 22, 2017

> I don’t get it: is this supposed to be a joke or serious?

Isn't all "majik" of the "ha ha, only serious" kind? With few people actually believing that it'll work out (at least beyond the level of prayers & wishes), but it's a hobby and at least you're not binge watching Sabrina.

I've seen a few pagans who were basically Morris dancers with a (very) slightly better fashion sense.
posted by pseudocode at 12:44 AM on March 22, 2017

@pseudocode: I really have no clue. If it is supposed to be “ha-ha, isn’t this so stupid?” nonsense, then I guess it’s fine and well to laugh along but it also seems like some of this is actually really important to others as their religion or something that they’re shelling out time and money on, which is disturbing.
Like this recent binding spell on Trump post, was this all a silly performance art joke or is someone actually saying that there is a causal relationship between putting salt and feathers in front of a photograph and making a person politically fail? The last link on that post seems to imply that it is more than just a joke or goof. If so, can anyone provide evidence that this is more than just nonsense and others profiting from shilling? It seems really disrespectful to those who take it seriously and it seems like those who take it seriously are wildly mistaken unless there are some kind of data or at least a line of reasoning to back up purported witchcraft.
posted by koavf at 1:22 AM on March 22, 2017

> I don’t get it: is this supposed to be a joke or serious?

I'm not sure. But periodically feeding your computer mouse blueberries and AA batteries is just good sense.
posted by sebastienbailard at 2:36 AM on March 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

Also Moorcock's Dancers at the End of Time series, destrius. Although in this case the AI is invisible and all the uhh...people can basically just do weird magic they don't understand.
posted by Literaryhero at 3:05 AM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

@koavf - I didn't post it for people to laugh or poke fun at a tradition, I posted it because I think that tradition is interesting. That said, the first two links are definitely jokes. But the same guy who wrote Icelandic Magic For Modern Living also created a version of Galdraskræða, another traditional grimoire. So they're jokes in a respected - if not believed in - tradition. If you go to Iceland you'll see occasional doors and windows painted onto rocks, that doesn't mean that a majority of Icelanders believe in actual elves living in the rocks, but it does mean they're aware of their history and like to keep in touch with it. From what I've read the attitude to stave magic is similar - some people know about it, fewer people believe in it, most people don't. Again, my understanding is that it's fairly common among Icelanders to have stave tattoos but that doesn't mean they think they're doing actual magic, but neither is it considered particularly disrespectful to anyone who does take it more seriously.

I'm not sure the last link (Justin, who I don't know personally) is exploiting those few people who take it super seriously. I think he's interested in the topic from an academic standpoint and is happy to make a few bucks to cover his web hosting costs by designing people's tattoos - at the same time ensuring those people at least have the "right" (aka historically accurate) sort of "magic" etched onto them.

In a more general sense think magic, like any religion, is something that's a bit more nuanced than a simple belief/exploitation true/false binary. Let's say I have slátlmstafir tattooed on my leg. That's a stave which relates to keeping your tools sharp. Obviously, I don't believe that my tools are going to keep themselves sharp all on their own. But the carving of that stave into my skin provides a symbolic purpose in addition to it's (supposed) literal one. It reminds me that I need to care for my tools - both physical and mental - so they work well. It etches into me physically an aspect of my identity, that of a metalsmith. It reminds me of how important Iceland is in my life (despite me not being an Icelander, several very important things have happened to me on various visits), and to a lesser extent represents my lifelong fascination with Norse/Germanic traditions and mythology. Also it looks cool. I don't think I'm doing literal magic - not least because the stave should properly be carved on a scythe not on the leg of a smith! - but I'm doing a bit more than making a pretty mark on my skin. I think there's a lot of people who fall into a similar gap somewhere between cynical explotation and full-blown belief in literal magic.

The venerable Alan Moore has some interesting thoughts on the topic.
posted by auntie-matter at 3:46 AM on March 22, 2017 [17 favorites]

periodically feeding your computer mouse blueberries and AA batteries is just good sense

Put a slice of ham in the DVD player - it will play a short film about pigs. (A slice of cheese will play a short film about cows).
posted by flabdablet at 4:42 AM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

Yeah, but then if you put in a DVD it shows a short film about polycarbonate plastics. You gotta "cleanse its palate" by putting in a CD with just the sounds of flowing water on it before you can watch movies again.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:24 AM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

[big derail on electronics washing below, you have been warned]

Interesting question though, do electronics rust? Assuming the power is off and they are dried before using, would that damage them?

For a low-voltage device like a wifi router powered by an external wall adapter, it doesn't really matter whether the power is on or off. When you spill liquids on electronics, it's the contamination that does them in, not momentary short circuits.

Most electronics can be washed, and in fact they usually are as part of the manufacturing process. Just about every electro-mechanical component will have a paragraph in the datasheet specifying if, and how, the component can be washed. For most non-mechanical components, like chips, washing isn't mentioned because it's totally fine. Things like like capacitors that incorporate rubber seals will have more specific info on what solvents are compatible.

Electronics are washed with many liquids, including distilled water, isopropyl alcohol, ethyl acetate, aqueous detergents, and various chloro- and fluoro-carbons. Stronger solvents like acetone and methyl ethyl ketone must be avoided since they dissolve a lot of common plastics used in electronic components.

The big difference between a manufacturer washing their electronic assemblies, and you the user doing it, is that the manufacturer rinses off the dirt, whereas you probably just spread it around. If you were to disassemble your router, take apart all the tiny RF connectors and little metal shielding boxes, spray down the pc board with isopropyl, loosen any dirt deposits with a soft brush, then spray it again with isopropyl making sure to flush under the chips and between the tiny surface mount components, then rinse it again with distilled water, and finally bake it in an oven at 80 C for several hours, you'd probably be fine. But nobody does that. They spill soda over it, then pour in some water to ensure the sugar and phosphoric acid get into the tiny spaces, and then put it in a bag of rice. The sugar residue creates low-level shorts all over the board and the acid destroys any exposed copper. Your router is now fucked.

The cleaning method I described above will even work with your phone, but you'll need to disassemble it to the point where you can separate the screen, battery, microphones, and speakers, and clean those separately (or more likely, replace them). Generally speaking, you take everything apart except the solder. (And don't stick the screen or battery in the oven, please.)

So the answer is no, electronics do not rust, and yes, you can wash them. But it is hard to do it correctly.
posted by ryanrs at 5:47 AM on March 22, 2017 [10 favorites]

For a low-voltage device like a wifi router powered by an external wall adapter, it doesn't really matter whether the power is on or off. When you spill liquids on electronics, it's the contamination that does them in, not momentary short circuits.

Seems to me that a spill containing enough contaminants to make it conductive is going to cause even more damage with a DC voltage across it than without, because of electrolysis.

Tap water, for example, is usually impure enough to be very slightly conductive though after it dries out it won't typically leave behind enough chemically active residue to do any damage. Leave the battery in while it's doing that, though, and you get oxygen being generated on every bit of wet metal that's positive with respect to some other bit of metal touching the same drop, and by the time the water's dry it will have left a fair bit of corrosion behind.

Sugary drinks are bad because they usually also contain a fair amount of food acids. Sugar is hygroscopic, so instead of fully drying out, a sugary drink spill will always remain just a tiny bit damp - and that means that electrolysis will just keep on keeping on long after the spill seems to have had time to dry out. So if you absolutely must do one or the other, it's better to drop your laptop in the toilet than to pour Coke through its keyboard.

Taking the battery out immediately, if you can, makes good sense in either case. Wet Coke plus electricity will corrode its innards much faster than dried out sugary acidy remnants plus electricity.
posted by flabdablet at 7:14 AM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

Once I won $50 for knowing about necropants, for which I say "Thanks, MetaFilter!"

I'm not surprised these were (are?) a thing; I'm just surprised I've never heard about the existence of such until now. My day has been made. "Thanks, MetaFilter!" Eyebrows McGee!
posted by brokeaspoke at 7:36 AM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

I have no idea how these people got their routers wedged into their Brennivín or why.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 7:58 AM on March 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

No seriously wtf
posted by rabbitrabbit at 7:58 AM on March 22, 2017

Post apocalyptic Icelandic magic. And also a really great comic just in general.

If for some reason you're not going to read the whole thing (you're missing out if you choose that), the actual tester of symbols here is Finnish, but they were drawn by an Icelander (the one with the long red braid here.)
posted by nat at 10:04 AM on March 22, 2017 [3 favorites]

In case someone is still confused, the wifi router spell is definitely a joke.

To pick up on auntie-matter's mention of Icelanders with magic stave tattoos... yes, it's mostly done by people who want something that's cool looking and connects with their heritage. As far as I've been able to tell it started with a crowd of intellectual punks in the 80s (including Björk), some of whom are actual pagans, such as the current high priest of the Norse Pagan Society (Icelandic Norse Pagans tend to be left-wingers, incidentally, which isn't necessarily true of Norse Pagans elsewhere). So the tradition of getting magic stave tattoos started in a subculture with a fairly high representation of believers, even though they were a minority. But now it's more of a cool thing to get that has personal meaning to the tattooed person, much like tattoos in general.

As for how seriously overwhelming majority of Icelanders take magic staves, I'd say about as seriously as most Americans take dreamcatchers.
posted by Kattullus at 10:45 AM on March 22, 2017 [3 favorites]

Yes this is all good... but is there a stave to help me catch more Pokemon?
posted by cirhosis at 10:55 AM on March 22, 2017

I'm not surprised these were (are?) a thing; I'm just surprised I've never heard about the existence of such until now. My day has been made. "Thanks, MetaFilter!" Eyebrows McGee!

Hey, we tried.
Necropants previously
posted by zamboni at 11:16 AM on March 22, 2017

@cirhosis, you can use Veiðistafur for luck when fishing (hunting Pokemon is sort of like fishing, right?) but I'd also suggest engraving your phone with Dreprún which is used to kill an enemies cattle, so it should help when fighting other Pokemon. They're probably close enough.

Galdrastafir is nothing if not flexible, practical magic for everyday use.
posted by auntie-matter at 11:21 AM on March 22, 2017 [5 favorites]

This is great for home use and hobbyists, but what if you're managing whole data centers? There's a huge amount of untapped demand out there for scalable, enterprise Icelandic magic. I suspect that whoever's first to market with a decent offering will make a killing in this area.
posted by invitapriore at 3:48 PM on March 22, 2017 [7 favorites]

I don’t get it: is this supposed to be a joke or serious?

Maybe I'm a little too close to chaos magic and trickster deities, but: ¿Porque no los dos?

My attitude is that magic is art, not science. If you take it or yourself too seriously you only wind up being unintentionally funny while making bad art.
posted by Foosnark at 7:18 AM on March 23, 2017 [3 favorites]

This is great for home use and hobbyists, but what if you're managing whole data centers? There's a huge amount of untapped demand out there for scalable, enterprise Icelandic magic. I suspect that whoever's first to market with a decent offering will make a killing in this area.

There is a major player in a nearby market who has an effective monopoly on the cloud. I hear they are generating some real buzz.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:05 AM on March 23, 2017 [1 favorite]

Electronics are washed with many liquids, including distilled water, isopropyl alcohol, ethyl acetate, aqueous detergents, and various chloro- and fluoro-carbons. Stronger solvents like acetone and methyl ethyl ketone must be avoided since they dissolve a lot of common plastics used in electronic components.

Where do caraway-flavoured grain spirits fall?
posted by acb at 12:08 PM on March 23, 2017 [1 favorite]

Behind the ethyl acetate, at least in terms of smell.
posted by ryanrs at 12:46 AM on March 24, 2017

cirhosis may like to try a non-Icelandic everyday sigil for pokemon-hunting success.
posted by escapepod at 1:13 AM on March 25, 2017