Ronaldo or Bust

March 31, 2017 2:28 AM

Besides his soccer prowess, Cristiano Ronaldo is known for being exceptionally handsome, and at least somewhat vain. So what must he have been thinking on Wednesday when he turned up at Madeira International Airport (now renamed Aeroporto Cristiano Ronaldo) for the unveiling of a bust that, well, was not exactly an uncanny likeness? Ronaldo Bust Looks Nothing Like Ronaldo, and the Internet Notices

Times Readers Share Their Zingers About Ronaldo’s Bust
Cristiano Ronaldo sculptor: it is impossible to please everyone
Na Internet, o busto de Cristiano Ronaldo é motivo de brincadeiras
You'll Never Guess Who This Is Meant To Be

posted by chavenet (45 comments total)

Who it actually looks like is ex Republic Of Ireland forward Niall Quinn.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 2:37 AM on March 31, 2017 [3 favorites]

Reminds me of the horrific looking Lucille Ball statue.
posted by littlesq at 2:44 AM on March 31, 2017 [14 favorites]

Is the sculptor thinking, 'nope, that's not it at all, but deadlines are deadlines'? Or is more, 'maybe they won't notice'?
posted by kokaku at 2:54 AM on March 31, 2017 [2 favorites]

Ronaldo Bust Looks Nothing Like Ronaldo

The sculptor is having an affair with the milkman.
posted by XMLicious at 3:17 AM on March 31, 2017 [7 favorites]

Thanks for the post. Looking at those pics... I haven't giggled so hard, in quite some time
posted by armoir from antproof case at 3:21 AM on March 31, 2017 [1 favorite]

Thanks. I came along just when this was the top of the front page. Rinaldo was a most pleasant start of the day. And that old Lucy statue was indeed scary, and looked nothing like her.
posted by Goofyy at 3:23 AM on March 31, 2017

Honestly, the first thing that popped into my head was that it somehow kind of looks like John Lithgow in Buckaroo Banzai. Something about the crazed eyes and goofy expression. Anyway, that's just one man's opinion, but if you have sculpted a bust of Cristiano Ronaldo, "John Lithgow in Buckaroo Banzai" should not be on the list of potential impressions.
posted by The Card Cheat at 3:24 AM on March 31, 2017 [9 favorites]

Reminds me of another footballing statue from a few years ago...
Ted Bates
posted by thingonaspring at 3:26 AM on March 31, 2017

After the backlash, the sculptor, Emanuel Santos, said Wednesday in an interview with The Guardian, “It is impossible to please the Greeks and Trojans. Neither did Jesus please everyone.”

That's worthy of Eric Cantona's more gnomic utterances. "When the seagulls follow the trawler..."
posted by Paul Slade at 3:33 AM on March 31, 2017 [9 favorites]

I mean, like, aren't bronze sculptures made beginning with, like, clay? It's not like it's an unforgiving medium. It's not like the process from clay to mold to wax to poured metal would distort a portrait worthy of an old master working in stone into a caricature.

Between this bust and the Lucy fiasco, I don't quite understand what is going on in the minds of sculptural artists these days.
posted by hippybear at 3:48 AM on March 31, 2017 [1 favorite]

Well, this photo of the guy is closer to the bust, with the same hair and stuff, but the bust's eyes are a bit too close together. I think the most jarring thing is the twisted smile.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:59 AM on March 31, 2017 [1 favorite]

I mean, like, aren't bronze sculptures made beginning with, like, clay? It's not like it's an unforgiving medium. It's not like the process from clay to mold to wax to poured metal would distort a portrait worthy of an old master working in stone into a caricature.

Allegedly, this is the original, which is slightly better. Only instead of a monster, it looks like Max Headroom's cousin.
posted by lmfsilva at 4:07 AM on March 31, 2017 [4 favorites]

I think the sculptor was just a bit distracted because she could totally tell that Lionel Richie was staring at her while she worked.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:16 AM on March 31, 2017 [22 favorites]

Somewhere, Dick Tracy is missing a villain.
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:31 AM on March 31, 2017 [2 favorites]

Thank you for giving some context to this picture that popped up on reddit.
posted by lagomorphius at 4:38 AM on March 31, 2017 [5 favorites]

The sculptor knew in these dark times that I needed something that will make me laugh every time I see it and has delivered mightily and for that I thank him.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 5:25 AM on March 31, 2017 [7 favorites]

There are certain elements that are correct, as far as likeness goes, but I think the big problem is when the sculptor combines those elements, his enterprise kind of implodes.

It's like a puzzle, but the pieces don't quite fit together properly, and in a fit of pique the pieces just get jammed into place.
posted by Phlegmco(tm) at 5:25 AM on March 31, 2017

He looks like the protagonist's good-natured and dumb sidekick in a Disney movie.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 5:26 AM on March 31, 2017 [10 favorites]

In my own, being unable to depict the human form seems to be a requirement for the people they contract to do public murals
posted by thelonius at 5:27 AM on March 31, 2017

Off-Broadway director of Of Mice and Men revival to producer:
"I think we found our Lennie!"
posted by Chitownfats at 5:31 AM on March 31, 2017 [5 favorites]

One is vaguely reminded of that unsuccessfully restored religious painting... there seems to be roughly the same relationship between the intended and the actual result.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 5:47 AM on March 31, 2017 [1 favorite]

Allegedly, this is the original, which is slightly better.

It doesn't look much like the bronze one - it's not that far apart, I might believe there's some kind of distortion that can creep in the process if you're not careful and lead from one to the other, but if I had to bet I'd say it's an entirely different sculpture. This would be a good point for a Mefite with experience in casting (we must have somebody) to come in with an extensive technical explanation.
posted by Dr Dracator at 5:50 AM on March 31, 2017

Does the bronze add thickness to it? Looking at the original clay sculpture, it looks like a primary problem is that it's just a hair too thick in the face, and then the bronze looks much more bloated.
posted by tofu_crouton at 6:03 AM on March 31, 2017

Ronaldo's actual face, like most beautiful faces, is highly symmetrical. The sculpture is extremely asymmetrical. The eyes and nose look like they have been shifted/skewed over to the side and the effect is extremely disquieting. The shininess of the bronze exaggerates the effect.

Could someone overlay an image of the sculpture with a line down the axis of symmetry, and also maybe his real face for comparison? It would be really interesting to see.
posted by fancyoats at 6:15 AM on March 31, 2017 [1 favorite]

As Ronaldo is a pretty boy narcissist whom I absolutely loathe, I am very OK with him being immortalized like this. A hundred years from now, people will see this bust and say "People really thought he was good looking back then, huh?", and somewhere Ronaldo will shed another tear.
posted by Capt. Renault at 6:49 AM on March 31, 2017 [16 favorites]

Hey, at least he doesn't have a rabbit in his ear.
posted by Naberius at 7:14 AM on March 31, 2017

His statue in his hometown also raised some, um, eyebrows: Life-sized Cristiano Ronaldo statue is wearing some very tight shorts

As an artist, I always feel bad about the public humiliation the internet can bring, but if you're commissioned to create a bronze statue you should be a little better.
posted by Room 641-A at 7:36 AM on March 31, 2017 [2 favorites]

Kirth Gerson: the bust's eyes are a bit too close together.

Yes, much too close.

I think the most jarring thing is the twisted smile.

I think you meant to write that the most charming thing is the smile. Seriously, I love that smile SO MUCH! Does anyone know if they're selling mini-busts? I would love a copy, to forever smile at me.


Could someone overlay an image of the sculpture with a line down the axis of symmetry, and also maybe his real face for comparison? It would be really interesting to see.

Yes, yes I could. Here's a quick and dirty overlay, with poorly drawn eyes, nose, mouth and chin to help identify features. Here's the bust with lines drawn through the eyes, mouth, and ears, and trying to find a center from chin through nose and up to hairline. Here's those same lines on the Ronaldo comparison.

Note: the bust and photo aren't oriented the same way, with the photo turned off-center, while the bust is straight-on, but the photo is still more symmetrical than the bust by a long shot. Also, you can see how compressed the facial features are on the head over-all.
posted by filthy light thief at 7:40 AM on March 31, 2017 [4 favorites]

I am not an expert in casting by any stretch, but my mother used to be a sculptor and a moldmaker, so I ahve seen the process, and heard a lot of very boring stories about bronze casting.

I don't remember too much detail except that it's really difficult to make an accurate mold of a sculpture, and there's a lot of finishing work involved, so you can't just magically create a perfect copy, and things can get really fucked up in the process. Also, bronze is a weird medium for human figures. It's shiny on the flat parts and grungy in the crevices, so it creates all these unintentional contrasts that can make faces especially look grotesque in ways you might not have predicted based on the clay version of the sculpture. To make a decent bronze, you need to design it for the bronze. Not every sculpture will translate well.

Personally, I really, really dislike all those near-life sized semi-realistic sculptures of people that you see all over the place intended as inoffensive public art. I'm pretty frequently offended by things designed to be inoffensive.

Anyway, I can confirm that my mom would have done a much better job than that, on both the sculpture and the casting. It's poor quality, and there are better artists and craftspeople who could have used the work, I'm sure.
posted by ernielundquist at 8:25 AM on March 31, 2017 [4 favorites]

Personally, I really, really dislike all those near-life sized semi-realistic sculptures of people that you see all over the place intended as inoffensive public art.

Over the past 20 years, my hometown has gradually rebranded itself as a "City of Sculpture", and in so doing has put up a large number of public artworks of the type you describe. One of my favorites (and I use the term loosely) is of a dad teaching his daughter to ride a bike following behind her with mouth agape and arms outstretched; At one point in time, the girl and bike were temporarily stolen (kidnapped?) by local ne'er-do-wells, which left the poor statue-dad looking all for the world like a lone zombie, frozen in mid-stagger.
posted by Strange Interlude at 8:54 AM on March 31, 2017 [8 favorites]

Don't forget this apparition of Tommy Cooper.
posted by lagomorphius at 9:06 AM on March 31, 2017

These 21 Statues Are Supposed To Look Like Celebrities, But Ended Up Like This (Including another Renaldo!) I thought Chocolate Cumberbatch wasn't bad.
posted by Room 641-A at 9:25 AM on March 31, 2017 [3 favorites]

My high school had a bronze sculpture of JFK that was just head, shoulders and arms. It was meant to depict him in dynamic flowing motion, but it looked more to me like Johnny Eck (who as it happens was a remarkable man and a far more interesting potential statue subject than one more presidential memorial).
posted by Countess Elena at 9:32 AM on March 31, 2017 [1 favorite]

I am surprised at the sheer number of Cristiano Ronaldo statues.
posted by bongo_x at 9:43 AM on March 31, 2017 [1 favorite]

They shouldn't have let the Panini Cheapskates do the initial design work...
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 9:45 AM on March 31, 2017 [1 favorite]

Christiano Ronaldo (Silly Party): 2 votes.
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:03 AM on March 31, 2017 [1 favorite]

But in all seriousness, the statue may not look that much like Ronaldo, but it does bear a striking resemblance to Bart.
posted by Strange Interlude at 11:26 AM on March 31, 2017 [3 favorites]

I give this three Nelson Muntz "HA-ha!" s
posted by Liquidwolf at 12:30 PM on March 31, 2017

it does bear a striking resemblance to Bart.

I totally forgot these are a thing and this one in particular is the perfect gift from the Friday afternoon Gawds. Thank you.
posted by Room 641-A at 1:26 PM on March 31, 2017

BREAKING: You should have put a washed rind on it: Cheese Beyonce
posted by Room 641-A at 4:03 PM on March 31, 2017

Thank you so much for posting this. I had such a soul-crushing day and this article was the first thing to make me smile!
posted by silverstatue at 5:09 PM on March 31, 2017

Jesus, you say?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:31 PM on March 31, 2017

Stunning: Cristiano Ronaldo Gets Surgery To Look Like Bronze Bust
posted by Joseph Gurl at 9:01 PM on March 31, 2017 [2 favorites]

Huh. A striking likeness for Johnny Rico, I'd say.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 11:32 PM on March 31, 2017

My first reaction was thinking of the bust of JFK at the Kennedy Center, but after some thought, I realized that the JFK bust actually looks like JFK. (although with some terrible skin disease)
posted by MtDewd at 6:03 AM on April 1, 2017