I like juice and I like bars...
April 23, 2017 8:20 AM   Subscribe

 
I have never had a kobe slider, and yet I always had the feeling that it was indeed "at the epicenter of douchedom".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:29 AM on April 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


He seems very nervous and like he really doesn't want to be there. It's stressing me out.
posted by jferg at 8:35 AM on April 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


If the segment seems a bit off, it's because Fallon fake laugh is missing. Fix.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 8:58 AM on April 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


I have never had a kobe slider, and yet I always had the feeling that it was indeed "at the epicenter of douchedom".

Just from a basic level. Take a meat that was created for chopstick-sliceable tenderness, then grind it up? Not to mention the facts that you totally lose the marbling (which is also part of the point, IMO) and you will lose all that delicious, delicious fat.

And that's not even acknowledging there's no such thing as real Kobe beef outside of Japan. Wagyu, yeah, but not Kobe.

He seems very nervous and like he really doesn't want to be there. It's stressing me out.

I get the feeling he really wanted to go get a drink and some terrifying meat-laden dish from some tiny hole-in-the-wall local place, and the Fallon crew were "Say, Anthony, be a snarky bastard for us just one more time?"
posted by Samizdata at 8:59 AM on April 23, 2017 [6 favorites]


I am pretty sure most kobe sliders are a Sysco product, one of the "premium" or "platinum" (I used to know all their nomenclature but that was years ago) products that they market as high-margin/low effort because the garnish or salad station can nuke and assemble them. It's not special beef, and it's only like three ounces of it, for $14-19. And the bros love 'em.

I'm glad to hear someone else hate on brunch. I have no problem with breakfast-served-late but why's it got to be so much more expensive than breakfast?

As far as I've ever heard, Bourdain hates doing the promo circuit but does it because that's what you have to do, and I think CNN is more demanding on that front than Travel Channel or Food Network were. He'd probably been sitting in front of that bar set drinking coffee doing his schtick for hours at that point.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:08 AM on April 23, 2017


I disagree about brunch.

I don't respect the rules about breakfast vs. not breakfast foods in practice at all. Not even a little. I will and regularly do eat pasta or a cheeseburger or nachos for breakfast, and eggs or something for dinner, but I apparently have internalized those rules so deeply that I always feel kind of slatternly when I do it. Like, I don't like to do that sort of thing when anyone might see me.

But brunch is OK. You can go into a restaurant even and have whatever you feel like having plus a bloody Mary in public, right in the middle of the day, without advertising that you're a huge dirtbag.

It's probably significant that I almost never actually DO this, so the price factor is negligible for me, but I like knowing that I could.
posted by ernielundquist at 9:24 AM on April 23, 2017 [27 favorites]


I feel like the more revealing thing re: his disdain for brunch is the guy hates working it, as a cook. The rest of his spiel is just after the fact justification for that deep visceral disdain you only get for something through having dealt with it at your job and hated it.
posted by Gymnopedist at 9:45 AM on April 23, 2017


I also think the whole "brunch is overpriced" stuff is inaccurate, at least around here most pricey-ish restaurants price their brunch entrees at around 15-30 bucks which isn't bad if you want to be able to try expensive new places without forking over $60-100. Sure, it's still their breakfast menu but it's an okay deal.

I hear from chef friends that a lot of food industry hatred for brunch has more to do with the actual crowds that a popular/more affordable brunch menu can attract and people getting obnoxious/demanding. A brunch shift at a popular restaurant sounds stressful.
posted by windbox at 9:46 AM on April 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


I could be recalling Kitchen Confidential incorrectly but it also had to do with the fact that nobody wanted to do that early morning shift prep while hung over / still drunk / still stoned from the night before.
posted by JoeZydeco at 9:50 AM on April 23, 2017 [4 favorites]


The main point he makes about brunch is that in restaurants it's frequently a dumping ground for leftovers and foodstuffs that are a day away from turning. And even if the brunch entrees are 20 bucks, for the most part they might serve the same dish at breakfast for 15 bucks minus the strawberry fan.
posted by slkinsey at 9:53 AM on April 23, 2017 [4 favorites]


I am pretty sure most kobe sliders are a Sysco product, one of the "premium" or "platinum" (I used to know all their nomenclature but that was years ago) products that they market as high-margin/low effort because the garnish or salad station can nuke and assemble them. It's not special beef, and it's only like three ounces of it, for $14-19. And the bros love 'em.

I realized what this reminds me of - who saw that movie The Freshman with Matthew Broderick and Marlon Brando? Brando is this mob boss who runs this exclusive "Gourmet Club" where people pay big bucks to come to his secret supper club and eat endangered animals. He parades the animal through the banquet hall while a crooner serenades it, then it's wheeled into the kitchen where it is supposedly killed and grilled fresh, then waiters bring it back out to the guests. Matthew Broderick is college student who gets caught up in trying to save his latest course, a Komodo dragon - he chases it through the hall and into the kitchen, only to find that some of the waiters are loading it into a cage on a truck out the back room, and the chef is preparing some sort of amalgam of smoked turkey and tilapia and serving that up instead. The whole thing has been a scam on the super-wealthy to trick them into funding a new wing at the Bronx Zoo.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:56 AM on April 23, 2017 [44 favorites]


I am pretty sure most kobe sliders are a Sysco product, one of the "premium" or "platinum" (I used to know all their nomenclature but that was years ago) products that they market as high-margin/low effort because the garnish or salad station can nuke and assemble them.

I'd love to see a Harper's Magazine-type 'Annotation' of a typical restaurant menu, linking the florid, lyrical description of a food item with its prosaic, industrialized components from the Sysco catalog.
posted by Flashman at 10:09 AM on April 23, 2017 [14 favorites]


I've never had a Kobe slider either so I Googled it and the first thing that comes up is Food Network's Kobe Slider recipe by Guy Fieri. Douchiness confirmed.
posted by cazoo at 10:10 AM on April 23, 2017 [8 favorites]


I've never had a Kobe slider either so I Googled it and the first thing that comes up is Food Network's Kobe Slider recipe by Guy Fieri. Douchiness confirmed.

Well, seeing as only about 400 pounds of ACTUAL Kobe is imported into the U.S. a year, I don't think I will be making those any time soon. OTOH, Wagyu beef (same breed as Kobe, but without the labor-intensive upkeep that provides that amazing marbling and tenderness) I might actually do.

(Yes, the U.S. Kobe beef scam is a bit of a pet peeve of mine.)
posted by Samizdata at 10:29 AM on April 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


Well, seeing as only about 400 pounds of ACTUAL Kobe is imported into the U.S. a year,

Nine restaurants serve it in America.
posted by BWA at 10:49 AM on April 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


I get the feeling he really wanted to go get a drink and some terrifying meat-laden dish from some tiny hole-in-the-wall local place

Like the ones on Triple D!
posted by TedW at 11:31 AM on April 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


So that's about 45 1 pound steaks a restaurant a year. The one Kobe dish on Alexander's Cupertino menu is $185 per THREE OUNCE increment. THREE OUNCES, $185. Everything else they list is Wagyu. (See here - http://www.alexanderssteakhouse.com/cupertino/menus/food/ ) Also, I wish I knew why the link button doesn't work for me any more.
posted by Samizdata at 11:39 AM on April 23, 2017


(Yes, the U.S. Kobe beef scam is a bit of a pet peeve of mine.)

It was my bread and butter until I learned about "uncured bacon".
posted by ftm at 11:40 AM on April 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


It was my bread and butter until I learned about "uncured bacon".

Oh, you mean pork belly?
posted by Samizdata at 11:58 AM on April 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


The one thing I like about "brunch" is "having a leisurely breakfast without having to get up at some godforsaken early hour".

In practice, there was only one time in my life where I did that with any sort of semi-regularity, and it only lasted a couple years. But it was nice to take the Sunday paper, linger over coffee, huevos rancheros or eggs Benedict and hash browns, and mimosas ("crappy" though they may have been), enjoying a quiet hour or so before getting on with my day.

Since then I learned how to cook, so I can make that sort of thing any time I want...so naturally I usually end up having a hurried breakfast of toast or granola and yogurt.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:01 PM on April 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


The problem with brunch culture in Toronto is that it is simply too popular. In your head, you imagine a leisurely meal with your girlfriends, sipping mimosas and telling tales out of school but the reality is:

WAIT: No brunch place worth going to takes reservations, so unless you want to be the first person in the door in the morning, you will stand in line.
CONTINUE TO WAIT: There are more than 2 people in your party, so you have an extra long wait for the one table that seats four, for loose definitions of four that require that at least two of them be small people.
SIT: Finally get a table.
WAIT: Wait to order. This is the most leisurely part of your meal. If only you had your Mimosa, it wouldn't be bad. Other than the plaintive staring from the people still in line, of course.
EAT: This is delicious, but the shelf-life on brunch foods is about 12 seconds, so eat it fast before the eggs get cold.
GET GLARED AT: Did you consume the last bite more than .012 seconds ago? Why are you still here? Can't you see us standing in this line?
PAY: Well, that was a lot of money for breakfast.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:14 PM on April 23, 2017 [22 favorites]


Doing stuff early was one of my secrets to a happy life (for me) pre-kid. Breakfast, not brunch, hit the bars at seven, in bed by midnight.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 12:18 PM on April 23, 2017 [4 favorites]


As far as I can tell, the big draw of brunch is booze - and I really can't drink that early in the day. For a really relaxed breakfast I like to go to a greasy spoon that isn't crowded on a weekend morning, where they seat you right away and bring your (cheap) eggs about 5 minutes later and then keep topping off your coffee while you kick back with a book and the last piece of toast.
posted by bunderful at 1:32 PM on April 23, 2017 [6 favorites]


Anthony Bourdain rates food trends.

MetaFoodie.
posted by ZenMasterThis at 2:50 PM on April 23, 2017


Maybe if they called it "lreakfast"?
posted by Chitownfats at 2:54 PM on April 23, 2017


Leakfast is the meal you have at 2am at Taco Bell after a night at the bar.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:55 PM on April 23, 2017 [5 favorites]


Brunch as used here should be qualified as "Going out for Brunch". Because some of my great memories of my 20s include "brunches" in NYC in the 90s at my friend's girlfriend's aunt's (yes 6 degrees part of the point) apartment with a bit of extra space that ended up running for hours. Once or twice into late evenings, as a ball game came on the tv, then the sky grew dark, and the hangout moved up onto the roof terrace.

Someone gets Ess A Bagels on 21st/1st Ave and a Sunday NYT. Someone else makes a few bloody marys and coffee. Someone squeezes some orange juice. Bam. Joking aside, now with kids these days some effort can be made on cooking, but still.

The point of brunch is indulgence and laziness. Going out is not compatible with this.
posted by C.A.S. at 3:08 PM on April 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


Truffle oil is the absolute worst.
posted by thivaia at 6:13 PM on April 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


My mom worked for sysco for a short time when I was in college. She could get me a box of 25 or 30 turkey burgers for some stupid cheap amount like $6. That was 1998. If I order a turkey burger in a restaurant now I can still immediately tell if it's sysco. It's not a horrible product...it's just weird to be transported back to 1998.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 7:10 PM on April 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


And that's not horrible to you?? Okay then...
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:52 PM on April 23, 2017


Why does anyone care what Bourdain has to say? He is the "epicenter of douchedom", even more so than Fieri.
posted by Docrailgun at 8:01 PM on April 23, 2017 [4 favorites]


Citation needed.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:42 PM on April 23, 2017 [7 favorites]


Nah, Bourdain's an asshole but he's not a douche.

He's not even as much of an asshole as he used to be. Having a kid mellowed him a bit, I think.
posted by jacquilynne at 4:11 AM on April 24, 2017 [6 favorites]


He may be an asshole, but he's our asshole.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 4:15 AM on April 24, 2017 [2 favorites]


Careful. Tony is a champion jiu jitsu fighter. He'll kick your ass then fix you lunch.
posted by valkane at 4:32 AM on April 24, 2017 [1 favorite]



He's not even as much of an asshole as he used to be. Having a kid mellowed him a bit, I think.


His new cookbook even features a fair number of kid-friendly recipes (though most are not written in kid-friendly language, unless your kid has been raised on "Go the Fuck to Sleep.") I made Bourdain's Mac & Cheese for a dinner that was about 50% under-7 year olds and it was a real serious hit.
posted by thivaia at 5:41 AM on April 24, 2017 [1 favorite]


Why does anyone care what Bourdain has to say?

Because he's a wise and humble man who has dedicated his life to the pursuit of knowledge and connection with his fellow humans through the singular bonding experiences of preparation and consumption of food and drink? He's also a hell of a writer.
posted by Optamystic at 5:44 AM on April 24, 2017 [8 favorites]


I have to agree with him on all the points, except rosé. Rosé, rosato, rosado can be a great wine. It is well worth exploring the world of rosé from Provence to southern Italy, Spain, Portugal, Chile, Australia. There is just too much there to be written off like that.
posted by DJZouke at 6:26 AM on April 24, 2017 [3 favorites]


Oh, and fuck brunch. Breakfast or lunch.
posted by DJZouke at 6:29 AM on April 24, 2017


I also worked brunches. To this day hollandaise makes me retch...
posted by judson at 8:16 AM on April 24, 2017 [1 favorite]


Nthing brunch hatred. If you're going to be open at noon on a weekend, I want to eat from your regular lunch menu, not some horrible fusion of whatever cuisine you usually feature and "Eggs Benny" (ugh).

Also, "bottomless mimosa" brunches mean the streets are littered with loud clumps of diners weaving down the sidewalk like a kite in a stiff wind. And no-one wants to see that.
posted by the sobsister at 10:23 AM on April 24, 2017


As a former restaurant slave, I too hated working brunch, or any breakfast shift for that matter. I started off as a dishwasher, and no amount of hot water... I don't care if it's as hot as the surface of the goddamn sun... will get dried fried egg yolk off a plate. Love eating it. Hate cleaning it.
posted by prepmonkey at 10:50 AM on April 24, 2017 [1 favorite]


I enjoy listening Anthony Bourdain, but somehow I don't think I'd enjoy hanging out with him.
posted by maggiemaggie at 7:05 PM on April 24, 2017


I get the strong sense that he doesn't enjoy hanging out with himself a lot of the time.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:54 PM on April 24, 2017 [1 favorite]


yeah, working a weekend brunch is the absolute worst and i have developed a deep and abiding hatred for mimosas, french toast stuffed with a variety of crap, nutella in everything, and the word "hash."
posted by floweringjudas at 9:11 PM on April 24, 2017 [2 favorites]


I am going to be the one lone brunch defender, then. Although I don't expect it to be an event, it's more like "breakfast is usually cereal or a bagel or something, but it's the weekend so I can indulge in something a little bigger". I don't expect it to be an Event or anything, just An Excuse To Eat Bacon.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:46 AM on April 25, 2017 [2 favorites]


I mostly think of brunch as "being able to get breakfast later than noon". I don't do it much these days, but there was an era where sitting around with a bunch of friends for a leisurely Sunday brunch was one of the most excellent things in life.

Of course, I love a good eggs benedict (oh, the one I had with fresh dungeness, mmm...) which I gather makes me an uncultured savage around these parts.
posted by tavella at 8:57 AM on April 25, 2017


I don't expect [brunch] to be an Event or anything, just An Excuse To Eat Bacon.

For me, remembering that I bought bacon at the store and I have it right there in my fridge is enough of an Excuse. And pretty much an Event as well as far as I'm concerned.

For this reason, I try not to buy bacon very often.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:46 AM on April 25, 2017


"being able to get breakfast later than noon".

Ah, friend. I know this is a regional thing, (and Anthony agrees with me), but the answer to your call is Waffle House.
posted by sazerac at 9:57 AM on April 25, 2017 [2 favorites]


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