First of all—again—this is not canon

May 2, 2017 9:20 PM

Yet this, also, turned out to be a failure, because Large Son insisted on making Batman fight Steve from Minecraft. This is not canon. Worse, Large Son insisted that Batman would lose the fight because Batman was not—and here I quote directly—“immune to lava,” namely because Batman was incapable of carrying cobblestone.
posted by Chrysostom (27 comments total)

Verdict: Bad
Verdict : Very Bad
Verdict : Worst
Verdict: Holy Shit


Finally, an honest parent.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 9:44 PM on May 2, 2017

Not only was this very funny, but it is written by the guy who wrote City of Stairs, which is must-read fantasy (the sequel was good but not as good). Though not always this funny.

And I see the final book in the series, City of Miracles, is out today. Excuse me, I have to go read it now.
posted by blahblahblah at 9:49 PM on May 2, 2017 [2 favorites]

Oh, hey, it is! Yeah, I heard about City of Stairs here a couple years ago and found it very enjoyable. Also, the sequel, and I think there is a new one due out soon.
posted by lkc at 9:50 PM on May 2, 2017

Bats are very small, being less than half a block tall and wide. They will randomly squeak. They often fly around aimlessly, tending to favor the east, and will sometimes fly into lava and catch on fire.

From the official wki. Which may be canon. You can make a cannon in Minecraft
posted by adept256 at 9:53 PM on May 2, 2017 [3 favorites]

I am certain Batman carries some cobblestone in his utility belt.
posted by straight at 9:55 PM on May 2, 2017

I love his claim that Star Wars was somehow fringe culture once. Yeah. "I remember when only the real geeks liked the NFL!"
posted by Joseph Gurl at 10:28 PM on May 2, 2017 [4 favorites]

I almost forgot. You can build anything in Minecraft. Including a pixel art bat signal.

Minecraft is the lego parents don't have to step on. It even has a creative mode. As for this, superman vs batman was a movie an adult made. So why you giving the kids a hard time?
posted by adept256 at 12:07 AM on May 3, 2017 [1 favorite]

Not only was this very funny, but it is written by the guy who wrote City of Stairs, which is must-read fantasy (the sequel was good but not as good). Though not always this funny.


Thank you. I read City of Stairs last year (based on a recommendation from Metafilter.) I really liked it, but I never read the sequel. I will definitely pick it up. I didn't mean to offend any parents with my previous comment, I'm pretty sure that Robert Jackson Bennett loves his children. I just find this particular brand of humor to be a humdinger.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 12:18 AM on May 3, 2017

How does carrying cobblestone confer immunity to lava? You need a potion of fire resistance. What are our schools doing these days?
posted by Segundus at 2:25 AM on May 3, 2017 [4 favorites]

That was good. Reminded me of Dave Barry except that this was funny.
posted by wenestvedt at 3:11 AM on May 3, 2017 [2 favorites]

How does carrying cobblestone confer immunity to lava? You need a potion of fire resistance.

Preparation. Or failing that, you need to work on your ninja block-placing.
posted by Dysk at 3:28 AM on May 3, 2017

Also, regardless of how much planning and research he does, I doubt if Batman could carry sixty-four square meters of solid stone in each hand, plus over two thousand square meters secreted about his person. Steve definitely has him beat there. Steve has everyone beat there.
posted by Dysk at 3:33 AM on May 3, 2017 [6 favorites]

Verdict: Bad
Verdict : Very Bad
Verdict : Worst
Verdict: Holy Shit


Finally, an honest parent.

They're all bad kids, Brent.
posted by srboisvert at 4:33 AM on May 3, 2017 [11 favorites]

I think it's actually kind of beautiful that a new generation doesn't give a shit about Star Wars. Imagine your Dad demanding that you build your fantasy life around Tom Mix serials or whatever they liked in the 40's.
posted by thelonius at 5:21 AM on May 3, 2017 [17 favorites]

Worth it for "Ewok woke".
posted by escape from the potato planet at 5:28 AM on May 3, 2017 [7 favorites]

My son loves Star Wars, has been some kind of jedi for the past 3 halloweens, bought and played two Lego Star Wars video games, has broken or lost more light sabers than I could dream of growing up in the 80s. We've read all of by Jeffrey Brown's Jedi Academy books.
But he has never managed to sit all the way through Star Wars, the actual movie. We've tried, but he gets like 10 minutes in and bales.
posted by signal at 6:10 AM on May 3, 2017 [2 favorites]

I found this article very funny, although Dad must be doing something wrong if Large Son has seen the prequels. My son isn't even aware of the prequels and he has only seen the Despecialized Editions of the original trilogy.

There will be no prequels as long as he lives under my roof mutter mutter
posted by Fleebnork at 6:10 AM on May 3, 2017 [2 favorites]

Perhaps the most galling thing about it all is that, incredibly, despite having never actually watched a Star Wars movie in the six years of his life (he says they are “too loud,” which, okay, sure), he somehow already knows that Vader is Luke’s father, and he’s just utterly fucking blasé about it, too.

I know this feel. In our house it is actually the fault of the book Darth Vader and Son, which I got for my husband for his first in utero Father's Day but somehow made it onto the bookshelf in our now-four-year-old's room. And he discovered it. And demanded I read it to him. Repeatedly. (Do you know how annoying it is to read a comic book out loud? Super annoying.) Result: he's perfectly aware that Darth Vader is Luke's dad, is sure that Darth Vader is a pretty good daddy to Luke, and also that Leia is Luke's sister, and this is all perfectly normal and no one ever tried to snog a close relative in this family. It's very disappointing.

(We have succeeded in one regard: he loves Doctor Who, except he likes all the wrong Doctors, which is very upsetting to me because I have really big, important Opinions on this matter.)
posted by soren_lorensen at 6:31 AM on May 3, 2017 [4 favorites]

Preparation. Or failing that, you need to work on your ninja block-placing.

On the one hand, Preparation usually gives the advantage to Batman. He had the cobblestone installed before you even pushed him into the lava.

On the other hand, if "Batman" is allowed to refer to the guy in 60 years of Batman stories, "Steve" rightly refers to every Minecraft player, which makes him the greatest, most awe-inspiring designer and builder ever imagined in human history. Batman lands on "his" cobblestone only to discover that it, the lava, and the entire volcano they're fighting in is one giant redstone computer and he's just triggered the mechanism that dumps him into a giant Creeper farm. Tune in tomorrow!

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssame Bat-time, sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssame Bat-channel!
posted by straight at 7:16 AM on May 3, 2017 [3 favorites]

Honestly, give Batman a bucket of water and he's fine.
posted by Segundus at 7:46 AM on May 3, 2017 [1 favorite]

I think it's not that kids today don't like Star Wars; they like it plenty. They just don't have to if they don't want to. It's not all there is. And they don't have to love it. There are huge worlds of imagination opened up for them by other creators, more inclusive and more interesting. I wouldn't want to be a kid today for a lot of reasons, but I've often wished that I had half the pop culture options they have.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:50 AM on May 3, 2017

I enjoyed this and as a parent found it uncomfortably close to home, even if my particular thing isn't Star Wars and Batman; the shit about aesthetically molding your children is painfully true. I also love this: As a white, middle class, male American nerd, I am only capable of expressing my anemic inner self through vapid genre references. Pop culture is my sole language of emotion! If my child does not appropriately love the intellectual properties I am attached to, will I be capable of loving either child?
posted by latkes at 8:02 AM on May 3, 2017 [1 favorite]

A lot of recognition here, unsurprisingly.

My eldest (now in college) steadfastly refused to watch movies made before he was born once he got past the point where we could just pick what he watched, though he has recently realized that, yes, there were a lot of good movies made back then. He never had much interest in Star Wars, or Star Trek, or Doctor Who (which his mother and I were just discovering while he was growing up), but he was an avid reader of SFF, even if he has tended to stay with YA stuff.

On the other hand, he got far more into videogames than I ever was, and loved at least some of the anime I exposed him to (Rurouni Kenshin being a favorite)...and now he's much more into anime than I am these days (though possibly not more than I was back then).

My youngest (10), again, hasn't really had any interest in Star Wars, Star Trek, Doctor Who, etc. He's still trying to work out what "anime" means, despite having watched uncounted episodes of Pokémon, Digimon, Youkai Watch, etc. We can both enjoy watching Cardcaptor Sakura, at least. Our videogame interests don't overlap too much, though he wants to share his obsessions so much (in true geek fashion)--he recently had me sit and watch him do a complete run-through of Undertale (remarking, "I regard this a father-son bonding experience. I considered it a whole-family bonding experience until Mom got tired of it." Yes, that's how he talks, at least some of the time.), which I really enjoyed.

Oh, and both of them do love for me to DM for them, so that's one bit I've been able to share pretty whole-heartedly.
posted by Four Ds at 8:27 AM on May 3, 2017 [3 favorites]

I created a spreadsheet for him but I am fairly sure he only gave it a cursory glance.

I laugh because it is a mirror.
posted by Ashwagandha at 8:57 AM on May 3, 2017 [5 favorites]

The fact that my son loves Steven Universe as much as me means we always have something to agree about.

Star Wars is for him and his dad, though yes, he does like the prequels.

Doctor Who (they are currently working through whatsisname, the one after Baker) is also for them, but I do like to glide in and watch a few moments, make cutting remarks (which they oddly, seem to enjoy, they should not encourage me) about the scenery/acting/effects, then I glide out again because it's boring.

Kiddo and I also bond over Great British Baking Show, some musicals, and any and all documentaries about cats. And we both liked Gravity Falls and Wander Over Yonder.

The point is, there's lots of good shit out there, find some you both like and you're golden.
posted by emjaybee at 12:58 PM on May 3, 2017 [1 favorite]

As a white, middle class, male American nerd, I am only capable of expressing my anemic inner self through vapid genre references.

This guy has books you say? Well I know what I'm doing today, thank you!
posted by Infracanophile at 5:14 PM on May 3, 2017

thelonius: "I think it's actually kind of beautiful that a new generation doesn't give a shit about Star Wars. Imagine your Dad demanding that you build your fantasy life around Tom Mix serials or whatever they liked in the 40's."

"So me talking about snowspeeders... is like my dad talking about trout?"
posted by Rhaomi at 9:28 PM on May 5, 2017 [2 favorites]