The Trump Documents
May 23, 2017 11:13 AM   Subscribe

The Onion has obtained 700 pages of leaked documents from the Trump Administration. "The Onion has done what no other news organization ever could: expose the Trump administration."
posted by zeusianfog (48 comments total) 79 users marked this as a favorite
 
I really thought The Onion would be stymied entirely by the fact that reality is now more absurd than satire, but they rolled up their goddamn sleeves and did the work.

I've been quietly cracking up about the crudely-drawn sketch of the all-marble AF1 for the last five minutes. Send help.
posted by Mayor West at 11:18 AM on May 23, 2017 [32 favorites]


man, how can they fuck up Project Theseus like this? there is wailing in the bloodstone circle of my ancestors.
posted by ivan ivanych samovar at 11:21 AM on May 23, 2017 [6 favorites]


Oh God, the children's letters to the President.

"Dear President Trump,

You are a good president and a good dad,

Love Barron
     ___
        | \_______________
       ====( oooooooooo  O\___
      (________/=====>______)--
               OO        O
You in airplane flying away, me waving.
posted by leotrotsky at 11:21 AM on May 23, 2017 [22 favorites]


I... this is amazing. I hope it gets printed and bound.
posted by grumpybear69 at 11:22 AM on May 23, 2017 [7 favorites]


Seconding that, Grumps. This needs to be savored for hours, not clickity-clicked on a screen.
posted by rokusan at 11:26 AM on May 23, 2017 [6 favorites]


It's a sad commentary on the state of media and things in general when it took clicking through and scrolling down to Presidential Briefings to be disabused of the thought/hope that The Onion pulled the greatest journalistic coup d'etat ever.
posted by romakimmy at 11:28 AM on May 23, 2017 [94 favorites]


Steve Bannon asking for large numbers of increasingly high resolution photos of roadkill in various states of decay is pretty good.
posted by leotrotsky at 11:29 AM on May 23, 2017 [18 favorites]


It's a sad commentary on the state of media and things in general when it took clicking through and scrolling down to Presidential Briefings to be disabused of the thought/hope that The Onion pulled the greatest journalistic coup d'etat ever.

Yep, I reallllllly thought that they broke something real.

sob
posted by knownassociate at 11:30 AM on May 23, 2017 [11 favorites]


Yeah, I get why this couldn't have a real/fake tag, but in this world almost maybe?
posted by corb at 11:36 AM on May 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


The letter from Emily Nielson (age 6) is tremendous. She has the best words.
posted by zakur at 11:41 AM on May 23, 2017 [9 favorites]


There are a lot of gems in the Children's Letters one.

Poor Merrick Garland, Jr.
posted by ckape at 11:49 AM on May 23, 2017 [6 favorites]


Sergey Lavrov to Donald Trump, ***MEMORIZE AND DELETE***

"Enclosed is the cipher to be used for all future email communications. Due to your staff's past difficulties with handling more sophisticated means of encryption, the new code is a simple Atbash cipher. Rather than once again explain how that works, I am including a link to the WIkipedia page with the directions for how such a cipher is to be broken: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atbash

You may also want to bookmark this decryption tool (http://rumkin.com/tools/cipher/atbash.php) for future use. Please ask one of your staffers to show you how to do that. "
---
UOBMM SZH WVERXV NLHXLD RH KOVZHVW [FLYNN HAS DEVICE MOSCOW IS PLEASED]
---
WVERXV KIVKZIZGRLMH XLNKOVGV RMRGRZGV KSZHV LMV [DEVICE PREPARATIONS COMPLETE INITIATE PHASE ONE]
---
KOVZHV HGLK WRHXFHHRMT BLFI RMZFTFIZGRLM XILDW [PLEASE STOP DISCUSSING YOUR INAUGURATION CROWD]
posted by filthy light thief at 11:51 AM on May 23, 2017 [12 favorites]


I think the proper journalistic protocol these days is to call it a leaked "tranche" of documents.
posted by raysmj at 11:52 AM on May 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


FOCUS DONALD
posted by Navelgazer at 11:52 AM on May 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


"Dear President Trump, will you be my dad? He was deeported. When I grow up I want to be big and strong like the man who dragged my dad out of our house." Javier, age 7

The onion: always #toosoon
posted by opinions at 11:58 AM on May 23, 2017 [34 favorites]


The only thing that made me eye twitch was that the "emails" were listed in chronological order, instead of reverse order like they would be in a real email system. I started reading them bottom up and had to retrain myself to do it the way they were presented.
posted by msbutah at 12:14 PM on May 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


Sean Spicer's emails to his Uncle Wilbur.

Oh my god...
posted by Naberius at 12:22 PM on May 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


How it roils! How it roils!
posted by xylothek at 12:26 PM on May 23, 2017 [5 favorites]


Um, why would they make these a download? I clicked one and it downloaded to my phone, how annoying!
posted by agregoli at 12:33 PM on May 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


It's a sad commentary on the state of media and things in general when it took clicking through and scrolling down to Presidential Briefings to be disabused of the thought/hope that The Onion pulled the greatest journalistic coup d'etat ever.

I mean, what could The Onion staff even do if someone genuinely leaked Trump's tax returns to them?
posted by straight at 12:43 PM on May 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


I am very much enjoying The Lighthouse Question.
posted by maryr at 12:49 PM on May 23, 2017 [5 favorites]


I mean, what could The Onion staff even do if someone genuinely leaked Trump's tax returns to them?

I was thinking about this and I bet they'd forward the info to their fellow Univision web properties at what used to be Gawker Media.
posted by zeusianfog at 12:52 PM on May 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


Metafilter: Seat belts need to be marble.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:52 PM on May 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


"I have visions of your bloated corpse that never leave my mind"

QFT
posted by chavenet at 1:05 PM on May 23, 2017 [5 favorites]


Will inevitably be declared "FAKE!" all over social media by....well, you know the type.
posted by davebush at 1:06 PM on May 23, 2017 [4 favorites]


I spent roughly the first half of 2016 under the impression that Trump's twitter was satire, so I'm just going to assume that all of this is legitimate.
posted by exogenous at 1:11 PM on May 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


1/23/17 FLYNN HAS DEVICE MOSCOW IS PLEASED
1/25/17 DEVICE PREARATIONS INITIATE PHASE ONE
1/28/17 PLEASE STOP DISCUSSING YOUR INAUGURATION CROWD
1/30/17 FOCUS DONALD
2/3/17 ENSURE FLYNN AND DEVICE PROTECTED FROM INFO LEAKS
2/7/17 ONCE AGAIN PLEASE DROP THE INAUGURATION CROWD SIZE ISSUE SERIOUSLY JESUS CHRIST
2/7/17 WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU FUCKING IDIOT
2/8/17 URGENT FLYNN AND DEVICE IN DANGER
2/8/17 FLYNN AND DEVICE MUST NOT BE EXPOSED
2/10/17 PLEASE STOP OBSESSING OVER MORNING JOE
2/10/17 IF MORNING JOE IS BOTHERING YOU WE CAN KILL THEM
2/10/17 TRY FOCUSING ON ONE SIMPLE THING FOR FUCKS SAKE
2/10/17 LIKE NOT FIRING MICHAEL FLYNN
2/13/17 CODE FIVE EMERGENCY FLYNN AND DEVICE HAVE GONE ROGUE
2/13/17 SCORCHED EARTH PROTOCOL INITIATED
2/13/17 MAY GOD FORGIVE US FOR WHAT WEVE DONE
2/13/17 THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU ILLITERATE PERVERT
posted by graymouser at 1:34 PM on May 23, 2017 [43 favorites]


Wait...is Donald Trump really the President of the United States?

I have to ask myself that every few days. Some part of my mind still doesn't accept it.
posted by darkstar at 1:38 PM on May 23, 2017 [23 favorites]


Stephen Miller requesting voyeurism statistics seems pretty spot on.
posted by mmascolino at 1:52 PM on May 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


The "EPA Warns Of Sentient Superfund Site" series of emails is a amusing prequel for Jeff VanderMeer's Southern Reach trilogy.
posted by elgilito at 2:07 PM on May 23, 2017 [8 favorites]


I love Betsy DeVos' enthusiasm for her afterschool polo idea.
posted by leotrotsky at 2:16 PM on May 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


> THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU ILLITERATE PERVERT

That one belongs on someone's gravestone.
posted by Leon at 3:03 PM on May 23, 2017 [7 favorites]


Dont tred
posted by scratch at 3:45 PM on May 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


That one belongs on someone's gravestone.

I'll take it, but first you have to get me so stoned I forget how to read.
posted by loquacious at 4:01 PM on May 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


That picture of Bannon, though. I've never seen one so... detailed. Was it Photoshopped or does he really look that bad? Christ, it's put me off my dinner!

All the things Jared couldn't go to because of his vested interests seemed a bit too smart coming from him, then we got to the solving the ME thing and where he needs to stand for photos, and—BOOM!—there's the "derp" I was looking for!
posted by droplet at 4:42 PM on May 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


Bannon's daily schedule is great.

6:00 p.m. After-work scuttle through the ventilation shafts.
posted by bonobothegreat at 5:38 PM on May 23, 2017 [11 favorites]


I am very much enjoying The Lighthouse Question.

See also President Trump's Doodles.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 6:29 PM on May 23, 2017


Is it some kind of Rorshach test to see where you start digging in first? I don't know why but I went right to Ben Carson. That guy.... he ain't right. Unsettling.
posted by amanda at 7:01 PM on May 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


Is it some kind of Rors(c)hach test to see where you start digging in first?

Having been a lighthouse tour guide for many years, I went right to ‘The Lighthouse Question.’ Despite spending hundreds of hours of the water, I never had considered that "Lighthouses point their beams of light out to the ocean, away from America – which The President described as extremely disrespectful." Also, that they "could betray the U.S. Navy at any time and shipwreck the entire fleet."

In other words, lighthouses are much more dangerous than North Korea. I’m glad The Onion is looking out for us.
posted by LeLiLo at 7:23 PM on May 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


I went for the EPA first.... was not disppointed.

(OIL.)
posted by subdee at 7:42 PM on May 23, 2017


I mean, what could The Onion staff even do if someone genuinely leaked Trump's tax returns to them?

This.
posted by wmoskowi at 9:28 PM on May 23, 2017 [4 favorites]


I love how Reince Preibus comes off as the most competent, least crazy person in the administration in emails. But then his actual memos are gibbering madness!

Example: Reince Priebus Lays Out White House Plans For Responding To Comey Firing
[REAL?] [FAKE?] [MORE REAL THAN REAL WHILE STILL BEING FAKE?]
posted by Cookiebastard at 12:22 PM on May 24, 2017


Wait...is Donald Trump really the President of the United States?

I have to ask myself that every few days. Some part of my mind still doesn't accept it.


In our efforts at escapism we've had The West Wing on endless loop in our house for the last several weeks. So our kids think the current Commander in Chief is President Bartlet.
posted by vignettist at 1:08 PM on May 24, 2017 [4 favorites]


From Trump's daily schedule:
11:50 Scream self asleep

Hey, he has something in common with the rest of us, after all!
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:37 PM on May 26, 2017


> Is it some kind of Rorshach test to see where you start digging in first

Bujo'er Mefi meetup in the Daily Schedule section in five minutes
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:39 PM on May 26, 2017


Looks like there's a late-breaking addition.
posted by ckape at 4:51 PM on May 26, 2017 [3 favorites]


Everyone unplug your irony detectors NOW. When Turmp tweets about The Onion being FAKE NEWS, those puppies are gonna blow hard.
posted by quinndexter at 7:32 AM on May 31, 2017


I don't know why, but this is the one that broke me.
posted by SassHat at 10:17 AM on June 4, 2017 [1 favorite]


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