Moustache, on a train. With a twist.
June 2, 2017 3:15 PM   Subscribe

A trailer has been released for Fox's new film version of Murder on the Orient Express. Directed by, and starring as Hercule Poirot, is actor and director Kenneth Branagh, sporting what might be his most impressive moustache since the last time he rode on a train with a big accent.

The cast for this version is arguably as impressive as the cast of the 1974 film.

(Warning: The rest of this post contains lots of Reddit and YouTube. Including a Rick Roll. Somewhere.)

Unfortunately, the trailer for the new film has drawn some attention for the use of a song by Imagine Dragons. An alternate suggstion was made and the video was created. Then some more.

Fortunately, a Reddit user was feeling generous.

Later, another Redditor joined in the fun.

If you only want to watch a couple, these are my favorites: Here and here.
posted by monopas (69 comments total) 18 users marked this as a favorite
 
"My name is Hercule Poirot, and I'm probably the greatest ventriloquist in the world."
posted by dng at 3:18 PM on June 2, 2017 [7 favorites]


I'm unexpectedly psyched about this.
posted by mynameisluka at 3:19 PM on June 2, 2017 [8 favorites]


Clearly, Burr did it.
posted by anastasiav at 3:26 PM on June 2, 2017 [3 favorites]


I did not know this was happening and I'm stoked!
posted by lalex at 3:26 PM on June 2, 2017 [1 favorite]


This looks great.
posted by Fizz at 3:27 PM on June 2, 2017


That cast!!
posted by Fizz at 3:29 PM on June 2, 2017


I missed Michelle Pfeiffer more than I thought!
posted by lalex at 3:29 PM on June 2, 2017 [3 favorites]


That mustache!!
posted by Fizz at 3:31 PM on June 2, 2017


Derek Jacobi, and Judi Dench as the Princess Dragomiroff!

And well, spoilers for an 80 year old book and 40 year old movie...?

Johnny Depp dies.

Thank you, Kenneth Branagh. I needed that. Nothing will make up for Mortdecai, but this helps me process my anger.
posted by monopas at 3:36 PM on June 2, 2017 [10 favorites]


I don't know if I'm just overly attuned to hearing David Suchet as Poirot, but I'm somehow struggling to be convinced by Branagh's Belgian accent. I very much hope it's just a passing moment of resistance on my part because, with a cast like that, it would be a crying shame if I find myself unable to enjoy this movie properly.
posted by howfar at 3:38 PM on June 2, 2017 [8 favorites]


I super duper wish Johnny Depp wasn't in this, but otherwise, I'm fairly psyched. The '74 version is a fave. (On preview...good point, monopas. Might be cathartic.)
posted by merriment at 3:38 PM on June 2, 2017 [1 favorite]


Got a kind of upsetting Snowpiercer vibe from that trailer tbh.
posted by mhoye at 3:39 PM on June 2, 2017 [3 favorites]


I'm torn. On one hand: Kenneth Branagh, Judi Dench, Olivia Coleman and an entire cast of actors that I adore. All whom I would see watch paint dry without a moment's hesitation.

Versus Johnny Depp, who I hate so, so much that I actually completely lost my shit and screamed obscenities at the screen in the theater when I found it he was Grindewald in Fantastic Beasts. I would rather watch Keanu Reaves in the Matrix on a loop then anything with Johnny Depp.

-- Note: (I hate the Matrix. And I maintain to this day that Reeves as Don Juan in Much Ado About Nothing was an absolutely brilliant stroke of casting. I also know nothing about film).
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 3:43 PM on June 2, 2017 [12 favorites]


"I am probably the greatest detective in the world. Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time."

All I could think of when I heard the accent was Cleese's French tower guard...
posted by Sing Or Swim at 3:44 PM on June 2, 2017 [13 favorites]


Nothing will make up for Mortdecai

I somehow managed to avoid knowing that there was a Mortdecai film with Depp in it until I read this comment...and now I'm just angry that anyone allowed an idea so aggressively and obviously terrible to ever come to cinematic fruition...
posted by howfar at 3:45 PM on June 2, 2017 [1 favorite]


I like that J. Depp is the one that dies right away and for all the best reasons.
posted by Hermione Granger at 3:46 PM on June 2, 2017 [7 favorites]


That first alternate trailer made me spit on my keyboard.
posted by lumpenprole at 3:46 PM on June 2, 2017 [1 favorite]


Johnny Depp dies.

Let's hope so, the only other option would be Poirot's assistant/ comic relief, which means two hours of painful mugging.
posted by biffa at 3:49 PM on June 2, 2017 [2 favorites]


And I forgot about this one: Hercule Poirot is Doin' It The Best He Can.

Previously.
posted by monopas at 3:53 PM on June 2, 2017 [1 favorite]


I can think of at least one pleasing sentence featuring the words "Johnny Depp" and "painful mugging".
posted by howfar at 3:57 PM on June 2, 2017 [4 favorites]


I missed Michelle Pfeiffer more than I thought!

Slight derail: I realized this the other night when I watched her in HBO's The Wizard of Lies, where she played Bernie Madoff's wife, opposite Robert De Niro. She was quite lovely. Well worth watching.
posted by Fizz at 4:06 PM on June 2, 2017


...arguably as impressive as the cast of the 1974 film.

I was a movie reviewer way back when the original came out. For those of us in the older generation, having Ingrid Bergman, Lauren Bacall, Jacqueline Bisset, and Vanessa Redgrave as suspects in the same film – not to mention Sean Connery, John Gielgud, Tony Perkins, etc. – really was something.

It's interesting to read that Agatha Christie herself reportedly thought the 1974 film "was well made except for one mistake. It was Albert Finney, as my detective Hercule Poirot. I wrote that he had the finest moustache in England — and he didn't in the film. I thought that a pity..." She wouldn't have that to say about Branagh's facial eruption.
posted by LeLiLo at 4:10 PM on June 2, 2017 [5 favorites]


I'm sorry -- I can't.

Poirot is nothing if not vain and fastidious. Look at that hair. Look at that collar. That is not Poirot.

Mix things up, challenge expectations -- by all means. But that is not Poirot.
posted by Capt. Renault at 4:16 PM on June 2, 2017 [19 favorites]


I just reread this recently and had Opinions about Kenneth Branagh, who looks like Colonel Arbuthnot inexplicably imitating Hercule Poirot. Still, I really want to see this. I like Josh Gad and the rest of this crew. Robert Downey Jr. made a ridiculous Sherlock Holmes on the face of it, but those movies were a good deal of fun in their way.
posted by Countess Elena at 4:18 PM on June 2, 2017 [2 favorites]


These alternate trailers were such a relief, comedy-wise, at the end of the day yesterday.

Having binged my way through them, I think this one and this one and this one are my favorites.
posted by Doktor Zed at 4:18 PM on June 2, 2017 [4 favorites]


YES.
I recall Suchets' version and it was powerful, the ending, that look of multiple emotions and shear tearing of his soul.
This looks fun.
posted by clavdivs at 4:40 PM on June 2, 2017 [1 favorite]


This looks like a wonderful movie, with the exception that Kenneth Branaugh always feels the need to place himself into things. I agree he's not nearly tidy and fussy enough for Poirot, but for Judi Dench as the Princess I will forgive much.
posted by corb at 4:40 PM on June 2, 2017 [2 favorites]


LeLiLo, I hear you. I grew up with the original, and love it and go all gushy about the cast every single time I watch. Even when I'm alone. But I'm looking forward to this version.

I would have said 'almost' but I did not want to start a fight. There's enough fighting, there's enough comparison and tearing apart happening elsewhere, and I want to leave room for the new one to be good too. I have hope. Kenneth Branagh gets great performances out of other actors.

Besides, it might have distracted from the trailers.
posted by monopas at 4:43 PM on June 2, 2017


I'm not a Frenchie, I'm a BELGIE!
posted by octothorpe at 4:45 PM on June 2, 2017 [5 favorites]


YASSSSSSSSSS
posted by supercrayon at 5:06 PM on June 2, 2017


This could be good, but it's setting off all the same bells that the Ghostbusters remake did for me. To whit, after the David Suchet version, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF!?!?!* It's not like Christie didn't have a whole slew of standalone novels and no one has quite been as definitive a Miss Marple or Superintendent Battle as Suchet was of Poirot.

And now I'm trying to imagine Judi Dench as Miss Marple and decide if that would be horribly miscast or the best thing ever.

*Yeah, I don't even want to talk about other peoples' issues with the Ghostbusters remake. It's enough to know that they're all crying into their pillows over Wonder Woman being a solid movie.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 5:09 PM on June 2, 2017 [2 favorites]


The last MeFi thread on Poirot - not this movie, but Poirot - is a tremendous read.

I can only assume that a fiendish thingy is absent from this thread after tragically falling into a catatonic state upon viewing the trailer.
posted by ZaphodB at 5:10 PM on June 2, 2017 [1 favorite]


I was cool with Branagh as Poirot until I saw that eldritch moustache.
posted by betweenthebars at 5:52 PM on June 2, 2017 [6 favorites]


Whereas I rolled my eyes at "Branagh directs and stars" UNTIL I saw the moustache, at which point I "whereof'd I could not speak."
posted by beschizza at 5:59 PM on June 2, 2017 [3 favorites]


Oh, man, no, it looked reasonably entertaining right up to the last shot where Branagh looks up at the screen with that...thing on his face. I mean, I know that's Poirot's signature, but the mustache by itself takes it over the edge into pure camp.
posted by praemunire at 6:00 PM on June 2, 2017 [1 favorite]


I'm not a Frenchie, I'm a BELGIE!

"I am not a 'bloody little frog.' I am a bloody little Belgian."
posted by octobersurprise at 6:06 PM on June 2, 2017 [2 favorites]


I have an alibi.
posted by roger ackroyd at 6:26 PM on June 2, 2017 [20 favorites]


I very much hope Depp bites it in as gruesome a way as possible*, because I am all in for the rest of this cast.

(I have a weird soft spot for Branagh's affectations. I think that's part of his charm.)

((*Last weekend my husband and I went to this pop-up restaurant in LA that's "Tim Burton-inspired" and plays TB movies and music and has really terrible food and drinks and frankly I had a great time EXCEPT the roaming character-host was Depp Willy Wonka and he was extremely personal-space invading and I nearly punched the fucker in the face several times. A roaming Beetlejuice would have been much, much smarter.))
posted by Lyn Never at 6:43 PM on June 2, 2017 [4 favorites]


I had a friend back in the early nineties who had a crush on Branagh. Apparently, when she watched stuff of his on tape at home, her younger sister would walk through and make fun of her by gesturing at him on the screen and say, "How can you like him? He has no lips!"

So that would be one reason for the ridiculously large 'stache.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 7:18 PM on June 2, 2017


no one has quite been as definitive a Miss Marple

Probably not, but I'd say Geraldine McEwan is a strong contender. The other Marples I've seen go too far into the "doughty old spinster" routine. McEwan just looks at you with those steel-gray eyes and watches you dig yourself deeper and deeper...

As for Branagh as Poirot, the mustache is...a bit much.
posted by MrBadExample at 7:22 PM on June 2, 2017 [2 favorites]


No.
posted by Malla at 7:33 PM on June 2, 2017


While looking for Suchet's version on YouTube (here it is, by the way), I stumbled on this terrible modern day version of Orient with Alfred Molina as Poirot.

I'm ordinarily happy to see Molina, but he seems gloomy, distracted, and slightly resentful here, as though the production was keeping him from the bedside of a dying relative. His suits are poorly cut, and his accent, when he bothers to assume it, is not particularly Belgian. He's still probably the best thing about the movie. (Sample dialogue, referring to a patent ab roller: "Fifteen minutes a day for two months, and you, Mister Poirot, could have a stomach like Brad Pitt in Fight Club.")

Branagh probably won't outdo Suchet or Finney, but I have every confidence that he can better Molina's attempt. That bar's so low it's recessed into the floor.
posted by Iridic at 8:18 PM on June 2, 2017 [2 favorites]


My name is Hercule Poirot. You killed my father...
posted by jon1270 at 8:23 PM on June 2, 2017


..and then Jim West jumps through the window and punches him...
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:35 PM on June 2, 2017 [2 favorites]


The moustache is perfect. In fact I kind of envy it. It doesn't need to be twee whirligigs merely because it usually is depicted that way.

I agree with Renault about the collar and hair. I am however willing to concede the possibility that that shot came after some sort of minor kerfuffle and before he could put himself back together. My only concern there is if they pull the same bullshit the BBC did with Sherlock Holmes and try to turn him into an action hero.

Honestly I'm excited as hell about this movie. The only down note for me is Depp, and he's getting murdered in Act I. Spoilers, I guess.
posted by middleclasstool at 8:38 PM on June 2, 2017 [2 favorites]


I wish Depp weren't in it, but yes, am glad he's the murder victim and thus not onscreen much.

The Imagine Dragons song in the trailer is ridiculous, so all the other parodies seem pretty much on par. But this one did make me snort-laugh, I admit. Thanks monopas!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:28 PM on June 2, 2017 [1 favorite]


I know this one but can't identify it...what on earth is it? The title just says "enthusiastic".
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:33 PM on June 2, 2017


Oh wow that is driving me nuts.
posted by lalex at 9:44 PM on June 2, 2017


> I know this one but can't identify it...what on earth is it? The title just says "enthusiastic" .

It's the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme.
posted by Condroidulations! at 9:56 PM on June 2, 2017 [2 favorites]


oh thank god, it's the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme.
posted by lalex at 9:56 PM on June 2, 2017 [1 favorite]


Oh my gosh, this cast!!! (We've also been watching the Suchet Poirot on Fanfare if you pop over there!)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:24 PM on June 2, 2017 [1 favorite]


THANK YOU Condroidulations and lalex!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:53 PM on June 2, 2017 [1 favorite]


I'm still waking up so I read this as Fox News's film version of Murder on the Orient Express and I had all sorts of flashes of what a Fox News version of it would be like. This is much better than that, I'm sure.
posted by jenjenc at 3:52 AM on June 3, 2017


The bad news: Johnny Depp is in this. Blergh. True, he'll be killed in the first act (yay!) but there'll probably be way too many flashbacks with his annoying self (heck, one flashback would be too many.) How in the name of all that's holy does he keep getting parts?!?

The good news: the entire rest of that magnificent cast. Even the 'lesser' actors are pretty darn strong, but anything with both Judi Dench and Derek Jacobi? Yowza! And I'll admit it: I've adored Kenneth Branagh enough since Henry V to forgive him that mustache.
posted by easily confused at 5:42 AM on June 3, 2017 [1 favorite]


I'm going to give this a chance, as I have to, because I adore the book. (I have the David Suchet audiobook.)

They appear to be changing some of the characters -- it was a Colonel, not a professor; the doctor was not part of the story -- and I am curious why.
posted by jeather at 6:03 AM on June 3, 2017


I suspect that renaming is a result of making this version fit the character's names to the actors who were cast (as opposed to casting actors who fit the original characters) --- this version has Penelope Cruz playing Pilar Estravados, replacing the Swedish character Greta Ohlsson, as well as Manuel Garcia-Rulfo playing Marquez, replacing Foscarelli. And Leslie Odom Jr.'s character, Dr. Arbuthnot, replaces both Col. Arbuthnot and Dr. Constantine, removing both the military aspect as well as a minor character in one swipe.
posted by easily confused at 6:35 AM on June 3, 2017 [1 favorite]


> Nothing will make up for Mortdecai, but this helps me process my anger.

Probably my wife's favourite film.
posted by Leon at 6:49 AM on June 3, 2017


She really liked Prometheus, too.
posted by Leon at 7:01 AM on June 3, 2017


Of course his military background is part of the story, and having the doctor be one of the suspects I think will muddle the plot a bit. I don't care if they make Greta a Pilar. I am always wary of changes to books. Even the great And Then There Were None bbc adaptation last year made some changes I think harmed the clever plotting.
posted by jeather at 7:16 AM on June 3, 2017


Totally agree with you, jeather: the colonel's military background is very much part of his connections to other characters, but they probably thought it more PC this way.
posted by easily confused at 7:52 AM on June 3, 2017


When did we decide we hated johnny depp?

He keeps getting parts because he's a box office draw and by god do none of you remember Edward scissorshands and crybaby and all the other ludicrous parts he somehow made work?
posted by empath at 8:19 AM on June 3, 2017 [3 favorites]


For most of us, it's the cocktail of making a string of bad movies, milking the Pirates franchise for waaaaaaaaay too long, and beating up women. That last one's more than enough on its own, of course.
posted by middleclasstool at 8:35 AM on June 3, 2017 [7 favorites]


When did we decide we hated johnny depp?

When we found out he committed homophobic, intimate partner abuse.
posted by FirstMateKate at 10:39 AM on June 3, 2017 [4 favorites]


I thought it was just me, but my partner said the same thing... he sounds like Inigo Montoya from Princess Bride. I so want to love this movie ... but every trailer I watch I expect it to go like this:
"And who are you?"
"I am Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die."
posted by sadtomato at 2:34 PM on June 3, 2017


I am always wary of changes to books. Even the great And Then There Were None bbc adaptation

Can I interest you in the story of what the original title of that work was before it was changed?
posted by praemunire at 8:05 PM on June 3, 2017 [5 favorites]


Oh my god, you guys, now while there will still be time to let it fade before the new movie comes, watch the Suchet. It is so, so good, and actually makes me more excited for the new movie though obviously no one can surpass his Poirot.
posted by corb at 4:36 AM on June 4, 2017 [2 favorites]


You do realise that changing the title of a book is different than changing the characters and plots.
posted by jeather at 5:31 AM on June 4, 2017




I'm going to watch this and I'm going to enjoy it, I'm sure. But it will never be as good as the Suchet version, and Kenneth Brannagh will never tear my heart out the way Suchet does at the end. My god, it's a master class in acting.
posted by cooker girl at 8:16 AM on June 4, 2017


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