Encyclopedia Dad
June 22, 2017 8:44 AM   Subscribe

 
Well, now I'm sobbing on the train.

Thanks for the fantastic read.
posted by brecc at 9:06 AM on June 22, 2017


I lost my Dad when he was 62, and I was 38. I really wish he had made some videos like this for me. I think I'm going to make some for my 16-year-old daughter.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:13 AM on June 22, 2017 [2 favorites]


I assumed there was going to be some sort of twist to this trope, and I think that kind of ruined it for me. It was bizarre that the son's life mapped so neatly onto his father's expectations--what if he hadn't graduated until he was 28? What if he did have his first kiss at 9? This never works out that neatly in real life.

My friends whose parents did something similar are a trans man whose mom wrote a lot about picking out wedding dresses and a woman in her 30's who is frankly getting kind of pissed at all the letters to be opened in the event of life milestones she's not interested in attaining. The weight of those assumptions about how your life should go seems pretty unbearable to me. I am so glad my father didn't do this.
posted by lemonadeheretic at 9:20 AM on June 22, 2017 [21 favorites]


Yeah, this is utterly unrealistic, but as someone who lost his father to lung cancer at age 4 and never got any of that, and has someone who just had his first child and looks forward to an uncertain future, yeah, it's a nice fantasy.

If one that hits pretty hard sometimes.
posted by Naberius at 9:24 AM on June 22, 2017 [9 favorites]


Thank you, Etrigan. This is a sadly beautiful piece. I needed more than just the one tissue, so I'm glad I brought the box. The hard part was when I was sobbing and laughing at the same time because Dad could be a real hoot sometimes. I'm glad to have read this.
posted by Silverstone at 9:41 AM on June 22, 2017


I lost my dad when I was 8. I can't say how much I wish I had his lessons.
posted by drewbage1847 at 9:42 AM on June 22, 2017 [1 favorite]


The typos and the too-patness of the kid's life trajectory are the only things that saved me from being a weeping puddle on the floor, right now. They let my picky, analytical bits interpose themselves between the piece and my squishy bits.

Pro-tip: if you want to weaponize pathos, get an editor.
posted by gurple at 9:56 AM on June 22, 2017 [10 favorites]


Argh I am not supposed to be having feels, you are ruining me.

Great post, seriously.
posted by corb at 10:34 AM on June 22, 2017


Dad died when I was 7. As I grew up, I'd tell this to people, and I was amazed at how many would say "Oh you must not even remember him!" Uh, what? I'd not remember that there used to be some guy living in the house with us, who I loved? Do people actually not remember their childhoods, to the extent to where they'd think that makes sense?

Perhaps what was going on was more like their defense against contemplating how much I suffered from that loss.
posted by thelonius at 10:48 AM on June 22, 2017 [3 favorites]


Reminds me of the movie Lucky 7. A woman has lived her life by a road map her mom drew her when she was young and just before her mom passed away. What happens when she gets to the end of that road map?
posted by jilloftrades at 10:49 AM on June 22, 2017 [1 favorite]


Do people actually not remember their childhoods, to the extent to where they'd think that makes sense?

Some people truly don't; I know several people (including my husband) who are surprised at all the memories I can recount before the age of 12, and astounded that I have anything remembered before the age of 5.
posted by foxfirefey at 10:53 AM on June 22, 2017 [6 favorites]


yeah - I remember tiny bits and pieces, but not a lot.
posted by drewbage1847 at 10:54 AM on June 22, 2017 [4 favorites]


I remember basically nothing much, and am frequently confused that people can remember any of their childhood at all.
posted by XtinaS at 11:47 AM on June 22, 2017 [5 favorites]


I think we remember the bits we have talked about or at least rehearsed mentally. Which makes me wish I had focused on happier things, instead of every embarrassing scene and personal slight.
posted by elizilla at 12:50 PM on June 22, 2017 [3 favorites]


I've certainly got some very bad memories of Dad's final illness that I'd prefer not to have, but, stupid brain.
posted by thelonius at 1:13 PM on June 22, 2017


I don't remember my childhood. I don't remember much of my adulthood. There are people who remember more of my life than I do.
posted by pracowity at 1:13 PM on June 22, 2017 [4 favorites]


Real Universe AI:
Detective Del Spooner: Is there something you want tell me?
Dr. Alfred Lanning: I'm sorry. My responses are limited. You must ask the right questions.
posted by Twang at 2:13 PM on June 22, 2017 [1 favorite]


Growing up on the Hari Seldon plan from Foundation.
posted by Harvey Kilobit at 3:24 PM on June 22, 2017 [4 favorites]


my first thoughts were basically about how much it tracked with his father's statements. Like what if he'd been gay? What if he had gotten sick with something chronic or terminal, or been injured badly or his mom died? I guess you can't really account for that, you can't plan for it, but you can try your best.

And then later I was crying. My best friend is in hospice and delirious. I think I'm jealous of this guy.
posted by gryftir at 4:38 PM on June 22, 2017


I blow stiffly at the dust that’s collected. The dust particles dance in a beam of light from the window.
Goddam it, that's gone straight into my eyes.
posted by unliteral at 8:21 PM on June 22, 2017


I scanned the story and read the last couple paragraphs and it worked on me too. Beginning to think all you need for a story of this sort is the last two paragraphs.
posted by Peach at 8:44 PM on June 22, 2017


my first thoughts were basically about how much it tracked with his father's statements. Like what if he'd been gay? What if he had gotten sick with something chronic or terminal, or been injured badly or his mom died?

I don't remember where it is (Strange Horizons?) or what it was called, but there was a story where the mom left videos for her child, only it turns out that not only is the child transgender and all of Mom's expectations are thrown out the window, the child might die (I forget why, getting Mom's cancer or something?) if they take medical steps with their body.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:01 PM on June 22, 2017


Awfully dusty in here.

:::sniff:::
posted by LeftMyHeartInSanFrancisco at 11:13 PM on June 22, 2017


I can't imagine not watching every single DVD as soon as possible if I was that kid.

If I was that parent, I hope I would have made far fewer assumptions about my kid's orientation and likely life path, if only because my life has been pretty different from my parents'.

I wanted to like this more than I did, but it was sweet.
posted by emjaybee at 7:45 AM on June 23, 2017


Both of my parents have passed away and I think about them every single day. I get pretty worn out with grief every so often, even though it has been quite a while since they passed. But I can't imagine my life being improved by Encyclopedia Dad. It seems more horrific to me--a zombie like weight to always carry around. At least Aeneas got to bury Anchises, eventually.

When I look at my own sweet little kids I realize that I don't really care what they do with their life and I know they won't ever listen to my advice, but I do know that I love them without reserve and always will. It is enough to know my parents felt the same. I didn't need them to record a video saying so, it was implicit in my life. If it wasn't, making it explicit probably wouldn't help me at all. I'd hate to have an encyclopedia dad[1].

[1] What I would have liked was a Dad who wrote a goddamned will. Hey, everybody, instead of writing mildly weird fiction about dads and dying, put together a will and sort through all of your junk so your kids don't have to. That is a real gift.
posted by scamander at 10:08 AM on June 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


Apparently there aren't any links to the scene, but Things to do in Denver When You're Dead starts with Andy Garcia running a business called "Afterlife Advice", to provide a service to make this. Its shown pretty immediately that dead parents advice isn't always great.
posted by lkc at 4:40 PM on June 24, 2017


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