"I am trained in gorilla warfare"
July 14, 2017 5:02 PM   Subscribe

Well, I've got quite the story:

My name is earl
I was born by the river
My phone number is in Spanish
My email is in Spanish

I am good at Spanish
I identify as jokes
I believe I can fly
I once had a girl

Please forgive me
Thank you google
posted by NorthernLite at 5:42 PM on July 14 [6 favorites]

This is just to say

I have eaten in spanish
the plums poem
that were in theatres
the icebox murders

and which of the favours of your lord
you were probably watching garfield
saving private ryan
for breakfast in french

Forgive me meme
they were delicious in spanish
so sweet of you
and so cold lyrics
posted by mmoncur at 5:55 PM on July 14 [29 favorites]

my name is jeff
i live in a firehouse
my phone is locked
my email is hacked

i was born under a wandering star
i am married but attracted to another man
my country tis of thee
my language is my identity
i identify as an attack helicopter

i am good at concealing what's real and hide
i believe i can fly
i once was lost but now i'm found
i am trained in multiple techniques
i can only imagine

please don't go
thank you for being a friend
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:58 PM on July 14 [4 favorites]

My name is Jeff
I was born this way
I am married in French
I come from a Land Down Under.

My language is the limit of my world.
I identify as an Apache AH-64 attack helicopter.
My race is human.

I am skilled at diplomatically handling customers.
I can also do this.
My core competence is about sharing quizzes.

Experience: I once saw a bee drown in honey
I have been to the mountaintop,
My greatest weakness is interviewing,
I have overcome the world.

I am a trained Navy Seal.
I am a certified gangsta.

I was educated at Woodstock,
My secondary degree is peeling.

At my most recent job, I looked.

Please hire me because I'm fat, I want to work for you because I need to know.

Thank you for being a friend.

Sincerely, Jules.
posted by LeRoienJaune at 5:59 PM on July 14 [2 favorites]

also autocomplete...
"this is just to say schmoop"
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:01 PM on July 14 [1 favorite]

my name is earl
and when it's over i press rewind
or when the subquery is used as an expression
is shining a verb
and all the people said amen
i stay woke
i like turtles
posted by eponym at 6:03 PM on July 14 [8 favorites]

A good resumé is nothing without a quality cover letter:

To whom it may concern I am not sure if I can make it to the meeting tonight but I will be there at night and I was thinking about you and your family a very happy and prosperous New year to you and a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New year to you and your family. Please let me know if you want to get together for a drink or two before I fall asleep on the couch and I was thinking about you and your family. I look forward to hearing from you soon and I will be there at night and I was thinking about you and your family. Sincerely hope that you are doing well and that you have a good day at work and I have a good feeling about this one.
posted by lharmon at 6:09 PM on July 14 [7 favorites]

My name is slim shady.

I live with models.

My phone number is being used by someone else.

My email is not working.

I was born by the river.

I am married to an alcoholic.

My country right or wrong.

I speak for the trees.

My gender is Japanese.

I am good at synonym but I can fix a drink.

I believe that love is the answer.

I once had a girl, but I am the chosen one.

I have been trained in your Jedi arts and I can take it from there.

Please hire me, I need you, so I can have you back. (alternately: so I can do more coke.)

Thank you for smoking.
posted by MexicanYenta at 6:25 PM on July 14 [2 favorites]

The Search Song of J. Alfred Google

S'iomadh rid the dhith om,
A personal experience timeline is used
Questa fiamma indomita
Ma perche adriano celentano,
Non torsii subligarium
Senza tempo monterchi.

Let us go then, you and I
When the evening sun goes down
Like a wolf crossword,
Let us play with your look, through certainty through uncertainty,
The muttering sickness
Of restless of fidgety,
And sawdust and embryos,
Streets that flood is Charleston SC,
Of insidious in Hindi,
Oh do not die for I shall hate,
Let us go to the other side.

In the room where you sleep,
Talking of the ledge.

The yellow food truck that rubs me the wrong way,
The yellow wallpaper that rubs Halifax,
Licked it's chops into the corner of the world,
Lingered upon Instagram,
Let fall as tears the crossword clue,
Slipped by the wayside, made a mistake,
And seeing that loving you is what I tried to do,
Curled meaning about the author, and fell in love.

And indeed there will be time,
For the yellow claw that slides that rock,
Rubbing itchy eyes,
There will be blood, there will be blood,
To prepare an army for war,
There will be time for Mumford and Sons,
And time for the Powerball drawing,
That lift that barge and fit that bale,
Time for you to get a watch
And for a minute I was stone cold sober,
And for that reason I'm out,
Before taking the oral temperature of a client.

In the room the women come and go,
Talking to the moon.

And indeed there will be time,
To wonder, "Daredevil?" "Dominos?"
Time to turn things up to 11,
With a bald eagle,
(They will say: "Peace Peace")
My morning jacket, my collar bones stick out,
My necktie is asleep, but asserted but not proven,
(They will say: "We did it ourselves")
Do a barrel roll?
Disturb the remains?
In a minute there are many days
For decisions for eternity.

For I have knit you together,
Have known the inexorable sadness of pencils,
I have measured the circumference of trees,
I know the voices aren't real but man,
Beneath the music mountains woke.
So how should a Tamil bride look?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all,
The eyes that drew me from analysis,
And when I am faltering, I will still find you there,
When I am dead my dearest
Then how should we work,
To spit out meaning?
And how should man die better?

Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets,
And watched the city crumble,
Of lonely men's club, leaning out legs?

I should have been a cowboy
Scuttling a ship.

And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by hypocrisy,
Asleep at the wheel... or it gets the hose again,
Stretched on your grave, here beside me,
Should I, after an interview,
Have the strength to change what you can?
But though I have to forget you,
Though I have seen troubles,
I am no Superman- and here's the kicker
I have seen the face of God,
And I have seen the Promised Land hold my beer, and now you know.
And in short, I was made for loving you.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, we cover the sides,
Among the porcupines, among some of the advantages of incumbency,
Would it have been worth it after all
To have bitter taste when pregnant,
To have in Spanish,
To roll it to the top,
To say: "That a marriage is annulled to indicate that
Come back to tell me all you've found, I shall tell you of William Wallace"
If one is to understand the great mystery,
Should say: "Days of the week be capitalized
That is not my job."

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have the same effect,
After the thin man and dooryard bloomed
After the novelty wears off, after the Tet offensive, after the sky falls,
And this, and the greatest discords be?
It is impossible for God to lie!
But as if a phantom caressed me, through the nervous system,
Would it have been worth the weight,
If one, settling a charge off account,
And turning a tossing, had said:
"That is now how it works,
That is not what I wanted."

No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be,
Am an attendant who carries traveler's luggage,
To swell or puff out,
Advise the commander, no doubt, and Gwen Stefani,
Deferential, vulnerability might be a factor,
Politic, cause and effect,
Full of high sounding words, but a bitcoin,
At time I wonder why I fool with you-
Almost, at the finish line.

I grow on a farm in Orange and I get used,
I shall wear midnight.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear a crown when it's all over,
I have heard a sound coming on the wind,

I do not think that word means what you think.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves,
Combing the history of black hair,
When the wind blows through the empty quarter,
We have lift off properties of exponential graphs,
By sea gifts Salisbury MA,
Till hell freezes over, and we bid you goodnight.
posted by LeRoienJaune at 7:03 PM on July 14 [29 favorites]

Well now that was just wow!

I liked, "I am fluent in silence."
Practiced fluency in violence.
The team I am on always wins.
I don't need no stinking google,
Smell checker.
Checkered peckers of my past,
Will outlast the the plain nonsense.
You can't go wrong with me,
I am right handed, my mandate
Nah, not until I see a contract.
My phone is alone. My fingers
Linger elsewhere.
My hair went upside down in a river today
Though, it always looks this way.
I don't have an off smell, it is I was
Just near hell. The sulphur clings.
And brings back memories of many things
An old case of crabs grabbed a stick
I proffered, really it was just one crab.
I know my stuff,
I know where your stuff is,
I can make it work,
And still look like yours.
Hire me, you will never be bored,
I gave away all my drills.
My gender is splendid
My sprawl isn't necessarily urban.
I shouted at loud water today
Up a far hill.
You can't go wrong by
Hiring me. I will
Free up your time, and dimes.
A dollar a trollop,
Thank you, just a dollop.
See you on your street.
Best Sunday dress.

And yeah, I keep a clean face
Book. No whining.
posted by Oyéah at 7:26 PM on July 14

This would have been fun if the internet weren't transphobic, what with the helicopters.
posted by J.K. Seazer at 7:27 PM on July 14 [5 favorites]

so much depends

a red red

glazed with kreme

beside the white
posted by eponym at 7:57 PM on July 14 [3 favorites]

my name is jeff
and wen its

shit wait hold on
posted by cortex at 8:10 PM on July 14 [9 favorites]

my name is lucy barton
and wen it's time I'll leave the ocean behind
or wen its raining
is mr bean dead?
and all the world is football shaped
i stay up too late
i lik the cat
posted by nonspecialist at 8:33 PM on July 14 [2 favorites]

My name is Earl
I live with my ex
my phone number is being used to spoof
My email is not working
I was born by the river
I am married to an alcoholic
My country tis of thee
My language is the limits of my world
I identify as a meme
I am good in Spanish
I believe in you
I once had a girl
I am trained in guerrilla warfare
I was educated at Woodstock
I am competent in the use of the English language

This is very silly.
posted by saulgoodman at 8:42 PM on July 14

this is a test
this is bat country
this is cnn
this is dedicated to the one i love
this is england
this is fine dog
this is gonna be the best day of my life
this is how we do it
this is it
this is just to say
this is killing me
this is library
this is my song
this is not a pipe
this is only a test
this is ponderous
this is quite interesting
this is radio clash
this is sewious
this is the war room you can't fight here
this is us
this is volleyball
this is where i leave you
this is xmas
this is your captain speaking
this is zion and we are not afraid

google autocomplete is your worst enema
(yes, that was a suggestion for "google autocomplete is...")
posted by oneswellfoop at 9:07 PM on July 14 [3 favorites]

Artificial intelligence completes us.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 10:05 PM on July 14

There's a whole novel in here, I think. Emotional roller-coaster.

i think i am depressed
i think i broke my foot
i think i can i think i can
i think i dislocated my shoulder
i think i euthanized my cat too soon
i think i found myself a cheerleader
i think i got my swagger back
i think i have cancer
i think i inhaled too much spray paint
i think i just threw up in my mouth
i think i know why the dog howls
i think i love my wife
i think i'm in love again
i think i need help
i think i ovulated early
i think i pulled a muscle in my neck
i think i'm quite ready for another adventure
i think i remember it
i think i swallowed a pet named steve
i think i think too much
i think i understand
i think i've fallen for you
i think i want to marry you
i think i . . . 1
i think i yell at my kids too much
i think i got my swagger back jay-Z

1 (x wasn't autocompleted)
posted by Spathe Cadet at 10:12 PM on July 14 [1 favorite]

translated from French:

My name is Thunder
I live with a perverted narcissist
My number is unknown
My email is blacklisted
I was born dead
I am married to a non-Muslim
I speak Feminist
My gender is non-binary
I am not competent
I have mastered my filthy habits
posted by tenderly at 10:37 PM on July 14 [4 favorites]

Modern poetry above ^^

If you are referencing the Zion line, it needs to be something like: "This is Zion, AND WE ARE NOT AFRAID!"
posted by greenhornet at 10:48 PM on July 14

these are great!

what's with the attack helicopters and the gorilla warfare? why are they so frequent??
posted by Omnomnom at 11:47 PM on July 14 [1 favorite]

oh ugh, I just googled the attack helicopter :(
posted by Omnomnom at 12:01 AM on July 15

My name is earl
I live alone
My phone number won't change
My email is not working
I was born to love you
I am married in French
My country 'tis of thee
My language is the limits of my world
I'm good at drinking beer
I believe that we will win
I once shot a man in Reno
I'm trained in self-defense and I can see clearly now
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:52 AM on July 15 [1 favorite]

My predictive text version takes a slightly saucy turn in the middle!

My name is Snupley.*
I was born in the same way as to the hospital.
My phone number is a good time.
My email is strictly prohibited.
I am good at it.
I identify as a result of the world.
I believe that I have a great day.
I once again thank you.
Please may I know you.
Thank you for your help.

*This is actually the name of my cat in Stardew Valley. What's worrying is that I've shared or noted that information frequently enough for Google to have decided it's the most likely answer...
posted by howfar at 2:31 AM on July 15

Education and qualifications:
- Studied the blade, at the university of Toronto, dissertation in a week. BA (Hons) in theological and pastoral studies
- Diploma in interior design; commendation in funeral service.
- Four A levels or three

Work experience:
- Support vector machine: facilitated diffusion, joint leader of the Green Party. Experience in French.
- Data binding android: lead for windows argos.

Courses and conferences:
- Applied mathematics
- Conference table

Personal interests:
I enjoy being a girl. I attend every battle riddle. I also like to live dangerously.

(Why google.co.uk comes up with the university of Toronto before any UK universities is an interesting question. And since I had to know, Argos doesn't sell lead for windows, but Tescos do)
posted by Vortisaur at 2:43 AM on July 15 [2 favorites]

Here's the dating profile version.

These make me LOL like I haven't LOL'd in forever.
posted by bendy at 3:19 AM on July 15

(The whole "I identify as an attack helicopter" thing is a gross anti-trans joke... :I )
posted by Drexen at 5:44 AM on July 15

I turned off all those modifiers, including spell check, when I realized I could not discuss Mongolia on my phone, only magnolias. So I have missed out on the experience of having google write for me, and it saved my phone from me as well.
posted by Oyéah at 9:38 AM on July 15

It is adaptive, so you could turn it on again and it would quickly learn you mean Mongolia.

But then next spring you would be talking nonstop about fragrant blooming Mongolias.
posted by Dr. Curare at 3:27 PM on July 15 [1 favorite]

I like to think of anti-trans people as "attack helicopters". If they ever stop their rotors running, they fall from the sky and crash in a heap.
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:38 PM on July 15

Working from the first line of familiar songs falls apart with the second line...

her name was lola
she was an acrobat's daughter

why do birds suddenly appear
every time you go away

hello darkness my old friend
i've come to look for america

i hear the train a'comin'
it's a trap

how does it feel
to treat constipation

it was 20 years ago today
sergent preston of the yukon

please allow me to introduce myself
i'm a man of constant sorrow
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:13 PM on July 15 [3 favorites]

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