...danced in the wind like an arachnid doing the Hokey Pokey.

August 1, 2017 8:13 PM

Kat Russo of Loveland, Colorado, is the 35th grand-prize winner of the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, which challenges writers to concoct the worst opening sentence of a hypothetical novel. (Or, to look at it another way, the best sentence in the genre of "bad opening sentences.") The full list of winners, runners-up, and dishonorable mentions.

The winning entry:

The elven city of Losstii faced towering sea cliffs and abutted rolling hills that in the summer were covered with blankets of flowers and in the winter were covered with blankets, because the elves wanted to keep the flowers warm and didn’t know much at all about gardening.

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest previously on Metafilter: 2016, 2015, 2014, 2011, 2010, 2008, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001.

Also previously, the shorter competition, the Lyttle Lyttons: 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2009, 2004

posted by Shmuel510 (25 comments total)

Although the public’s initial concerns about artificial intelligence and the “internet of things” had been troubling, its eventual ability to embrace those advances only underscored the greatness of America, mused Hoover Upright LXI as he took the oath of office to become the first cordless vacuum cleaner elected to Congress.

lmao
posted by little onion at 8:32 PM on August 1, 2017 [12 favorites]

Detective Sam Steel stood at the crime scene staring puzzled at the chalk outline of Ms. Mulgrave's body which was really just a stick figure with a dress, curly hair, boobs, and a smiley face because the police chalk guy had the day off. — Doug Self, Brunswick, Maine

I'd read at least a chapter of that.
posted by Kabanos at 8:37 PM on August 1, 2017 [7 favorites]

"Wretched" nothing, now I really want to hear about those elves!

(Seriously, that reads like a good opening to a Pratchett-esque story.)
posted by traveler_ at 8:40 PM on August 1, 2017 [10 favorites]

I was pretty amused when I transferred to SJSU to finish my English degree and discovered that they ran the Bulwer-Lytton contest, given I had heard about it for years.
posted by tavella at 9:17 PM on August 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

The winning entry sounds like something I would definitely read.
posted by bleep at 9:46 PM on August 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

If you like the imitations of Bulwer-Lytton, please read The Caxtons by the real Bulwer-Lytton. It's almost never read by modern people but it is one of the funniest books I've ever read.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 10:01 PM on August 1, 2017 [5 favorites]

the first cordless vacuum cleaner elected to Congress

[insert joke about sucking here]
posted by DreamerFi at 10:19 PM on August 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

A lot of strong entries this year, it's hard to pick a favorite. But this is near the front of the pack:

Detective Robertson knew he had Joyce Winters dead to rights for the murder—at the crime scene he had found Winters’ fingerprints, shell casings matching the gun registered to her, and, most damning of all, a Starbucks cup with the name “Josie” scrawled on it.

posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 10:43 PM on August 1, 2017 [13 favorites]

The familiar cleaning ritual now complete, Lieutenant (Junior Grade) Christopher P. “Hondo” Holdsworth carefully reassembled his Brűgger & Thomet APR308 7.62x51mm sniper rifle, mounting the matte-black Leupold 8 3.5-25x56mm optic with the splined 5mm Allen wrench that ensured it would stay put and retracting the Harris S-BRM 6-9 Notched Bipod, the way a character in a Tom Clancy novel would. — G. Andrew Lundberg, Los Angeles, California

This one was just the right amount of self referential.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 11:11 PM on August 1, 2017 [8 favorites]

A lot of these are not bad first lines at all. They are quite good first lines for comic novels. The winner reads like a minor Terry Pratchett piece.

In conclusion, people are wrong and everything is terrible.
posted by kyrademon at 2:34 AM on August 2, 2017 [9 favorites]

As an English teacher who has to grapple with marking creative writing pieces at various points in the year, hmm. Some of these are quite good. Others are quite familiar in their flavour!
posted by freethefeet at 2:37 AM on August 2, 2017

Scotchy the Tapeworm. I'm a bit stuck on this one.
posted by freethefeet at 2:42 AM on August 2, 2017 [2 favorites]

I'm not sure that covering your flowerbeds with blankets isn't rather a good idea, especially if you make little holes to let the actual plants (but no weeds) through in the spring.
posted by Segundus at 3:46 AM on August 2, 2017

Love this one:
She walked into my office and brayed, “I want you to put a tail on my husband.” — Steve Lynch, Tuscon, Arizona
posted by zarq at 4:10 AM on August 2, 2017 [8 favorites]

Gertrude knew that she would have to find the love of her life someday, but she didn't think she would find it eating a plantain peel out of her garbage can. — Gwen Inman, Annapolis, Maryland

Muskrat Love: A Novel.
posted by uncleozzy at 4:51 AM on August 2, 2017 [3 favorites]

I lost it at this one: "She continued to work in the sandpaper factory, which was in a gritty part of town, even though her abrasive boss was wearing her down because she needed to take off the rough edges of her life and she needed the money for finishing school."
posted by kariebookish at 4:55 AM on August 2, 2017 [7 favorites]

I'm dying:

During sex, Carl, the adult son of a funeral home director, always insisted that his wife lie motionless with eyes closed, and while this always brought back memories of his teenage years, Carl still wished that Yankee Candles made a scent that smelled like embalming fluid. —Randy Blanton, Murfreesboro, Tennessee
posted by Lunaloon at 5:02 AM on August 2, 2017 [4 favorites]

The elven city of Losstii faced towering sea cliffs and abutted rolling hills that in the summer were covered with blankets of flowers and in the winter were covered with blankets, because the elves wanted to keep the flowers warm and didn’t know much at all about gardening.

I was coming here to say what kyrademon said, that the sentence above could easily be the start of a Discworld book, and I'm sad that it won for "worst sentence."
posted by cooker girl at 6:45 AM on August 2, 2017 [3 favorites]

I lost it at this one:

meh, it's trying too hard
posted by thelonius at 7:18 AM on August 2, 2017

Yeah, thelonius, that one chafed me pretty hard, too.
posted by ursus_comiter at 7:21 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

Scotchy the Tapeworm. I'm a bit stuck on this one.

Or is it stuck to you...?
posted by mudpuppie at 11:46 AM on August 2, 2017

The comments here indicate that we are not far away from a B-L winner getting a movie deal.
posted by rhizome at 12:03 PM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

I always feel like these are written by people who did killer versions of the parrot sketch at high school
posted by Sebmojo at 2:16 PM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

"mounting the matte-black Leupold 8 3.5-25x56mm optic with the splined 5mm Allen wrench"

Is T. Clancy known for overly detailed tech mumbo-jumbo that also happens to be slightly wrong? Because Allen wrenches aren't available splined and no-one calls Torx, or more generically "hexalobular internal," screw heads splined Allen.

There's also a 12-pointed drive simply called Spline.

Here's a video of someone mounting a Leupold optic on a rifle. Yep, says "Torx" right on the package.
posted by ASCII Costanza head at 6:04 PM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

Hah, that jumped out at me, too.
posted by rhizome at 7:09 PM on August 2, 2017