3 slices of white bread
August 13, 2017 1:28 PM   Subscribe

What I Ate Today - Pence is gearing up for Job 1. Pence/Christ 46: President Mike Pence is proud to serve the white and Christian population of America
posted by growabrain (28 comments total) 20 users marked this as a favorite
 
This is amazing.
posted by insectosaurus at 1:43 PM on August 13, 2017


I've only read to 'Corn Smoothie' and I'm giggling.
posted by carsonb at 1:44 PM on August 13, 2017 [2 favorites]


Weeping at "12oz of steam."
posted by dayintoday at 1:51 PM on August 13, 2017 [1 favorite]


My favourite 'Mike Facts': Mike’s favorite part of the American flag is the bars.
posted by Fizz at 2:03 PM on August 13, 2017 [3 favorites]


Oh my God the first video on the "issues" page is the best thing that has ever happened.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 2:10 PM on August 13, 2017 [3 favorites]


carsonb, the corn smoothie is exactly where I cracked up.

And now I need the backstory on "Misery Cow".
posted by Room 101 at 2:11 PM on August 13, 2017


Direct link to Misery Cow
posted by growabrain at 2:25 PM on August 13, 2017 [1 favorite]


Pence went on to earn a law degree at Indiana University, where he formed a healthy and natural heterosexual attraction to the female woman Karen Pence

Lollerskates...
posted by killdevil at 2:41 PM on August 13, 2017 [8 favorites]


Holy crap the converted gays counter went up while I was reading! I thought that didn't work...
posted by Snowishberlin at 3:30 PM on August 13, 2017 [4 favorites]


Number of gays who have returned to the Lord:
381...
382...
381...
382...
381...
382...
posted by TedW at 3:35 PM on August 13, 2017 [10 favorites]


TedW, I realized that... does that mean only one person is wavering or that for every "converted" one "relapses", do you think?
posted by Snowishberlin at 3:41 PM on August 13, 2017


COMING SOON: Russian Translation
posted by Pendragon at 3:53 PM on August 13, 2017 [1 favorite]


Because treating a potential fascist president as a joke worked so well the last time around.
posted by grumpybear69 at 4:09 PM on August 13, 2017 [15 favorites]


embrace goat bones.

immediately.
posted by stevil at 4:15 PM on August 13, 2017


grumpybear69 - I think there's not taking it seriously and there's harnessing the power of derision; I am not sure there's a strong conclusion about the effect of that power, but it's one way to fight back.
posted by stevil at 4:17 PM on August 13, 2017 [5 favorites]


I've only read to 'Corn Smoothie' and I'm giggling.

That made me snort. Then I recalled working in the "pre-grade" department of a vegetable processing plant.

My job was to perform a series of crude tests on grab samples from contracted fields of corn, among other vegetables.

One of the tests for corn involved juicing kernels of corn from a given grab sample and wiping some of the juice on these cotton pads that I'd then place on top of a sensitive scale that sat inside a microwave oven. The difference between the start weight of the sample and the end weight (after it had been microwaved for a set period of time) determined something about the relative maturity of said sample and whether the field it came from needed to be harvested soon.

Long story short, I had lots of samples of raw corn juice sitting around, and out of curiosity did indeed sample said corn juice.

So I can say ftom experience: I like corn, but a corn smoothie would be a gnarly way to start the day.

Therefore, Mike Pence should have corn smoothies.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:18 PM on August 13, 2017 [10 favorites]


This is hilarious.
posted by zardoz at 5:32 PM on August 13, 2017


Is this the last potus46 thread?
posted by runcifex at 8:10 PM on August 13, 2017 [6 favorites]


So I get the Uber ping and it's the McDonald's that closed an hour ago. The one near a major homeless encampment. Maybe an employee? No. Five apparently dead people sprawled on the asphalt parking lot. I prod one with my boot.

Is one of you Saar? Yes. They all rise. We need to eat or we will die. Dutch? Yes. We want to go to the fabulous Waffle House. The sky is so clear here. You can see all the stars. You can see all of the stars. Not the sky we are used to. Victims of our breweries.

You don't go to Waffle House like this. You go there when y'all are sober. I'll take you somewhere for food but not Waffle House. We wanted the American experience. No. You are too fucked up to survive a truly American experience and all eyes are on me now.

C'mon, it's good. OK. They pile in and we go to Mojo and I need to eat too and damn if I don't get a legal space so I'm in with them and I want to be cuz maybe showing these EU tourists that we are not all like that is five people who who may argue that it us who need to be saved this time.

Two at a six-top with empty glasses. I really need your booth now please. They are from far away and need to sit. They are Dutch tourists and I brought them here instead of Waffle House. Of course they say. They are local. They wouldn't take unarmed Dutch tourists to Waffle House either. Thank you.

Order at the counter and I'm what is the fasted starch you can get on that table? Sorry. Not trying to be rude. They walked from Southside to McD's on Tunnel Road. Shit. Yeah. Feed them. Plantains and Yucca. Fine. Six house salads and you got that 65 cent drumstick thing so 36 of those. Soon as you can.

The fares start feeling better and after I rule out more beer and they chomp a bit the very first coherent question is whether I am more afraid of Trump or Pence and I say I am too busy being afraid and horrified by Trump to have to think about what would happen if something happened to him and that is sad.

So I've had a non-scientific attitude sample of Swedes, Dutch, French, Germans, Mexicans and Japanese and they are all afraid not of Trump but of what happens when Trump has a stroke. Thank-you brave foreign tourists for that nugget. They are more worried about Pence.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 9:38 PM on August 13, 2017 [15 favorites]


You don't go to Waffle House like this. You go there when y'all are sober.

Listen, I enjoyed what you wrote but this is incredibly wrong. Waffle House is exactly where you go when you are mentally impaired. Going to Waffle House is always a sobering experience so it is in fact very dangerous to go there when already sober, for fear of going too far in the other direction.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 3:46 AM on August 14, 2017 [5 favorites]


Long story short, I had lots of samples of raw corn juice sitting around

I really think this deserves the full on long story.
posted by sammyo at 6:03 AM on August 14, 2017 [3 favorites]


That stuff was very amusing, got several laughs out of it.

But we must remember, that man is one sick son of a bitch.
posted by james33 at 7:28 AM on August 14, 2017


TedW, I realized that... does that mean only one person is wavering or that for every "converted" one "relapses", do you think?

I wasn't actually responding to you; I just thought it was funny and by coincidence posted my comment right after yours. Either interpretation works for me. It would have been even better if it fluctuated but with an obvious downward trend. That might be a pain to code though.
posted by TedW at 8:36 AM on August 14, 2017


Every single word on this site gave me a much-needed guffaw. Yes, Pence is worse, etc. etc. But if we don't allow ourselves to laugh, especially at such brilliant satire ("Are you a homosexual? Click here" goes to hell.com), we're going to burn out far too soon, and we need to stay awake (not just woke, but literally awake) in order to keep these fascists in our sights.
posted by flyingsquirrel at 10:13 AM on August 14, 2017 [2 favorites]


Mocking could very well take down Trump, but Pence? I'm guessing he's pretty immune.
posted by gottabefunky at 12:08 PM on August 14, 2017


No RSS feed on this site, unfortunately -- does Mike think that RSS is a female woman who is not his wife?
posted by anothermug at 12:28 PM on August 14, 2017


Waffle House is exactly where you go when you are mentally impaired


See also: White Castle.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:33 PM on August 14, 2017


Under his eye.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 9:49 PM on August 14, 2017


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