Nice day for a fight wedding
August 23, 2017 5:30 AM Subscribe
A wedding party turned into brawl at an Edmonton bar. The bride ended up in handcuffs. The radio interview of an eyewitness is a classic.
This, coupled with the lady whose relatives had their trucks burgled and stripped when they attended her wedding in St. John's, means it has been a crap week for getting married in Canada.
posted by Kitteh at 5:42 AM on August 23, 2017
posted by Kitteh at 5:42 AM on August 23, 2017
"Like , how would you like to have your wedding night spent in the clank? Jeez."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:43 AM on August 23, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:43 AM on August 23, 2017 [5 favorites]
Maybe it was the eclipse, but one of my staff went to a wedding over the weekend where a fist fight broke out.
posted by Ashwagandha at 5:44 AM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Ashwagandha at 5:44 AM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
I know it's perverse, but I've always wanted to be present at a wedding where something went wrong. Not tragically, violently wrong but sitcomesque, embarrasingly wrong. Cake falls on bride, groom says wrong name at vows, hall is double-booked for roller derby... that fun sort of wrong that you can reminisce about.
Anyway, mazel tov to the happy(?) couple.
posted by The Pluto Gangsta at 5:51 AM on August 23, 2017 [21 favorites]
Anyway, mazel tov to the happy(?) couple.
posted by The Pluto Gangsta at 5:51 AM on August 23, 2017 [21 favorites]
Adding to the Canadian-ness of it: the witness becomes fuckin' Hemingway getting interviewed on the radio about it. "humanity explodes.... Bridal MAY-lay..."
posted by fatbird at 6:10 AM on August 23, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by fatbird at 6:10 AM on August 23, 2017 [10 favorites]
"It was like the Oilers scored a goal" is gonna be my new description of ALL Canadian reactions.
posted by entropone at 6:12 AM on August 23, 2017 [20 favorites]
posted by entropone at 6:12 AM on August 23, 2017 [20 favorites]
Did he say, "Go Esko" at the end? Does this have something to do with the local CFL team?
posted by NoMich at 6:16 AM on August 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by NoMich at 6:16 AM on August 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
"Cake falls on bride" not nearly as interesting as "Bride falls on cake".
posted by plinth at 6:21 AM on August 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by plinth at 6:21 AM on August 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
"Eh, listen... I've been to weddings where the groom's no-showed. I've been to weddings where it's been called early due to absolute drunken... but I've never NEVER been to a wedding where the wedding party has fought themselves in a bar for their wedding reception."
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 6:24 AM on August 23, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 6:24 AM on August 23, 2017 [4 favorites]
I'm holding out for "bride hurls cake the length of the reception hall, hits new mother-in-law, flower girl eats delicious shrapnel".
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:25 AM on August 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:25 AM on August 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
I think we're all indebted to Matt Machado, for clearly stating what needed to be said. I'm particularly glad that these lovely children were here today to hear that speech. Not only was it authentic Prairie Hoser, it expressed a courage little seen in this day and age!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:34 AM on August 23, 2017 [15 favorites]
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:34 AM on August 23, 2017 [15 favorites]
Did he say, "Go Esko" at the end? Does this have something to do with the local CFL team?
Yeah, eh- big game on Friday!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:35 AM on August 23, 2017 [5 favorites]
Yeah, eh- big game on Friday!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:35 AM on August 23, 2017 [5 favorites]
I grew up in Edmonton, and this needs trigger warnings for reminding me of my teenage years.
posted by blue_beetle at 6:37 AM on August 23, 2017 [16 favorites]
posted by blue_beetle at 6:37 AM on August 23, 2017 [16 favorites]
"If this is what you want to do for your reception, whatever, that's cool with me."
Canada is recognized the world over for our inclusive, open-minded attitudes toward marriage.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:42 AM on August 23, 2017 [31 favorites]
Canada is recognized the world over for our inclusive, open-minded attitudes toward marriage.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:42 AM on August 23, 2017 [31 favorites]
My intense dislike for stories like this that sensationalize others' misfortune is only tempered by my appreciation for the title of this Metafilter post.
posted by ElKevbo at 6:44 AM on August 23, 2017 [9 favorites]
posted by ElKevbo at 6:44 AM on August 23, 2017 [9 favorites]
Oh geez:
Edmonton wedding cake topper (SFW)
To be fair to Edmonton, I can think of lots of places across Canada where a.) this could happen and b.) they'd interview this particular guy.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:45 AM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
Edmonton wedding cake topper (SFW)
To be fair to Edmonton, I can think of lots of places across Canada where a.) this could happen and b.) they'd interview this particular guy.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:45 AM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
That audio is the greatest thing I've heard all month.
posted by Ber at 6:45 AM on August 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Ber at 6:45 AM on August 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
I know it's perverse, but I've always wanted to be present at a wedding where something went wrong. Not tragically, violently wrong but sitcomesque, embarrasingly wrong. Cake falls on bride, groom says wrong name at vows, hall is double-booked for roller derby... that fun sort of wrong that you can reminisce about.
Will a birthday party count? My little cousin was celebrating his 4th birthday, and his mom (my aunt) made him a dinosaur birthday cake. Some kind of green brontosaurus; long neck, long tail, etc. Everything was going fine until some stupid kid, 7 years old, listened to his imp of the perverse and decided to shove his whole face into the cake. Like full face, leaving a large oval divot about four inches deep in the poor sauropod. My aunt found this hilarious, but the kid's mother was absolutely mortified.
Reader, that child was me. To this day it is one of the only times I've listened to the devil on my shoulder just to see what would happen.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:56 AM on August 23, 2017 [92 favorites]
Will a birthday party count? My little cousin was celebrating his 4th birthday, and his mom (my aunt) made him a dinosaur birthday cake. Some kind of green brontosaurus; long neck, long tail, etc. Everything was going fine until some stupid kid, 7 years old, listened to his imp of the perverse and decided to shove his whole face into the cake. Like full face, leaving a large oval divot about four inches deep in the poor sauropod. My aunt found this hilarious, but the kid's mother was absolutely mortified.
Reader, that child was me. To this day it is one of the only times I've listened to the devil on my shoulder just to see what would happen.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:56 AM on August 23, 2017 [92 favorites]
Modern weddings are so fraught with import and worry, I'm amazed most of them don't wind up in fistfights, to be honest.
posted by xingcat at 7:01 AM on August 23, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 7:01 AM on August 23, 2017 [4 favorites]
Usually most of the fights are before the wedding though.
posted by Bee'sWing at 7:14 AM on August 23, 2017
posted by Bee'sWing at 7:14 AM on August 23, 2017
That Canadian Prairie accent. I'm in Manitoba, and it's very distinct.
posted by GiveUpNed at 7:14 AM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by GiveUpNed at 7:14 AM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
I know it's perverse, but I've always wanted to be present at a wedding where something went wrong. Not tragically, violently wrong but sitcomesque, embarrasingly wrong. Cake falls on bride, groom says wrong name at vows, hall is double-booked for roller derby... that fun sort of wrong that you can reminisce about.
There's a story in one of Robert Fulghum's books about a total over-the-top wedding - the mother of the bride went totally unhinged and pulled out all the stops to plan a total fairy-tale princessy wedding; enormous wedding party, mountains of food, live string quartet in the church during the service....
Anyway, while they were getting ready for the service, the bride was nervously picking through the food downstairs in the church basement, grazing on food here and there, and then when the bridal party started walking in, her father gave her a glass of champagne to "calm her down" because they were going to be waiting several minutes. Well, the champagne reacted with the food and the nerves, and the bride apparently looked really green as she was coming up the aisle - and then right when her father was giving her the good-luck kiss before taking his seat so the wedding could begin, the bride projectile-vomited all over the altar. Chaos erupted as groomsmen rushed around heroically, flower girls started crying, the bride fainted, the groom caught her, people with weak stomachs started running for the exits, and the whole while the string quartet was obliviously playing on.
It has a happy ending. They called a time out, cleaned everyone up, the groom hugged the bride a lot, and everyone retired to the church basement where they did a much simpler service with the bride wearing a dress she borrowed from a friend in a pinch. And then - Fulghum fast-forwards to the couple's ten-year anniversary party, where one of the things they did was show the wedding video, complete with slow-mo playback of the puke. And everyone was cracking up - including, Fulghum notes, the mother of the bride, who had long since realized how ridiculous she'd been and was eagerly joining in with poking fun at herself.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:15 AM on August 23, 2017 [14 favorites]
There's a story in one of Robert Fulghum's books about a total over-the-top wedding - the mother of the bride went totally unhinged and pulled out all the stops to plan a total fairy-tale princessy wedding; enormous wedding party, mountains of food, live string quartet in the church during the service....
Anyway, while they were getting ready for the service, the bride was nervously picking through the food downstairs in the church basement, grazing on food here and there, and then when the bridal party started walking in, her father gave her a glass of champagne to "calm her down" because they were going to be waiting several minutes. Well, the champagne reacted with the food and the nerves, and the bride apparently looked really green as she was coming up the aisle - and then right when her father was giving her the good-luck kiss before taking his seat so the wedding could begin, the bride projectile-vomited all over the altar. Chaos erupted as groomsmen rushed around heroically, flower girls started crying, the bride fainted, the groom caught her, people with weak stomachs started running for the exits, and the whole while the string quartet was obliviously playing on.
It has a happy ending. They called a time out, cleaned everyone up, the groom hugged the bride a lot, and everyone retired to the church basement where they did a much simpler service with the bride wearing a dress she borrowed from a friend in a pinch. And then - Fulghum fast-forwards to the couple's ten-year anniversary party, where one of the things they did was show the wedding video, complete with slow-mo playback of the puke. And everyone was cracking up - including, Fulghum notes, the mother of the bride, who had long since realized how ridiculous she'd been and was eagerly joining in with poking fun at herself.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:15 AM on August 23, 2017 [14 favorites]
"Go Eskos" is a reference to the Edmonton Eskimos, a CFL team. https://www.esks.com/
posted by GiveUpNed at 7:16 AM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by GiveUpNed at 7:16 AM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
God, none more Edmonton.
"Like , how would you like to have your wedding night spent in the clank? Jeez."
The "jeez" sealed it. The interviewer was indeed the new Hemmingway.
posted by GuyZero at 7:34 AM on August 23, 2017 [4 favorites]
"Like , how would you like to have your wedding night spent in the clank? Jeez."
The "jeez" sealed it. The interviewer was indeed the new Hemmingway.
posted by GuyZero at 7:34 AM on August 23, 2017 [4 favorites]
For those of you amusing yourselves with this sort of thing, I believe Carolyn Hax's Wedding Hootenanny of Horrors in being held in her chat this Friday at the Washington Post.
posted by stevis23 at 7:34 AM on August 23, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by stevis23 at 7:34 AM on August 23, 2017 [6 favorites]
The bride ended up in handcuffs.
So, they made it to the honeymoon?
posted by Thorzdad at 7:46 AM on August 23, 2017 [7 favorites]
So, they made it to the honeymoon?
posted by Thorzdad at 7:46 AM on August 23, 2017 [7 favorites]
Last... Bride... Standing..!
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:47 AM on August 23, 2017
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:47 AM on August 23, 2017
I wonder how many two-fours were consumed before the wedding?
posted by octobersurprise at 7:48 AM on August 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by octobersurprise at 7:48 AM on August 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
"Go Eskos" is a reference to the Edmonton Eskimos, a CFL team. https://www.esks.com/
"Go Esks Go!", surely? *
*I could be wrong, being from Toronto, and hot having been in Edmonton or at a CFL game in over a decade.
posted by Kabanos at 7:59 AM on August 23, 2017 [4 favorites]
"Go Esks Go!", surely? *
*I could be wrong, being from Toronto, and hot having been in Edmonton or at a CFL game in over a decade.
posted by Kabanos at 7:59 AM on August 23, 2017 [4 favorites]
"and the bride apparently looked really green as she was coming up the aisle..."
In sickness and in... OH GOD IN SICKNESS....
posted by mikeand1 at 7:59 AM on August 23, 2017 [4 favorites]
In sickness and in... OH GOD IN SICKNESS....
posted by mikeand1 at 7:59 AM on August 23, 2017 [4 favorites]
My mom caught her hair on fire at my parents' ceremony.
1973, hippie dippie even for a Catholic wedding, they presented candles to each set of parents instead of flowers. My mom's hair was halfway in front of her shoulders, and, of course, loaded with hair spray. As they presented the candle to my mom's parents, her hair went up.
Grandma yells out (in the cathedral sized church), 'Oh shit! Jesus Christ!'
Grandpa grabs mom's hair by the root and swipes down, extinguishing the flame.
The rest of the attendees wonder what the hell that was all about.
posted by notsnot at 8:06 AM on August 23, 2017 [28 favorites]
1973, hippie dippie even for a Catholic wedding, they presented candles to each set of parents instead of flowers. My mom's hair was halfway in front of her shoulders, and, of course, loaded with hair spray. As they presented the candle to my mom's parents, her hair went up.
Grandma yells out (in the cathedral sized church), 'Oh shit! Jesus Christ!'
Grandpa grabs mom's hair by the root and swipes down, extinguishing the flame.
The rest of the attendees wonder what the hell that was all about.
posted by notsnot at 8:06 AM on August 23, 2017 [28 favorites]
Definitely “Go Esks go!”.
posted by Amity at 8:20 AM on August 23, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Amity at 8:20 AM on August 23, 2017 [3 favorites]
Took my son at 3yrs to a (very casual full of kids) wedding and he dumped bubble solution on kid play area turning it to instant ice rink, pulled the taps on the kegs drenching people under the deck in beer, stole a strawberry from the cake during the cut the cake photo, and topped it off by knocking mother of the bride over on the dance floor.
Since my friends are the best ever people he was branded life of the party. Mother of the bride danced with him a lot after that.
I won't tell you about the funeral I took him to at 6.
posted by chapps at 8:22 AM on August 23, 2017 [23 favorites]
Since my friends are the best ever people he was branded life of the party. Mother of the bride danced with him a lot after that.
I won't tell you about the funeral I took him to at 6.
posted by chapps at 8:22 AM on August 23, 2017 [23 favorites]
This is one of those things where I feel I have to be gracious, because it absolutely mortifies me when I see Local Redneck Shit (tm) go down at sufficient scale to make the national news. I see it and think great, more fuel for the "they're all toothless cousinfuckers down there" stereotypes so many preciously urbane people have. I imagine there are a bunch of people in Edmonton right now rubbing their temples over the hoser variation of that. Which means I really should set aside my amusement and extend sympathy.
Except it is pretty delightful when people do dumb shit straight out of central casting. Even when it is toothless cousinfuckers. I have to own that amusement, even while patting my neighbors on the back. Also did you hear Glenn Gould's recording of The Hoser Variations, it was beauty
posted by middleclasstool at 8:26 AM on August 23, 2017 [3 favorites]
Except it is pretty delightful when people do dumb shit straight out of central casting. Even when it is toothless cousinfuckers. I have to own that amusement, even while patting my neighbors on the back. Also did you hear Glenn Gould's recording of The Hoser Variations, it was beauty
posted by middleclasstool at 8:26 AM on August 23, 2017 [3 favorites]
My wedding: the celebrant got to that point in the ceremony where he turned to my groom and asked, "Do you take Tammy to be your wife?" and we all just goggled at him for a moment before I also turned to my groom and asked "Who the fuck is Tammy?!?" , my name not being Tammy. Looking back, I should have taken that as an omen and noped on out of there.
posted by Mary Ellen Carter at 8:38 AM on August 23, 2017 [30 favorites]
posted by Mary Ellen Carter at 8:38 AM on August 23, 2017 [30 favorites]
Edmonton is the home of Canada's first socialist woman government leader. It is still a frontier place, full of mavericks, non-conformists and free-spirits. There is a special exuberance that doesn't always express itself in the most genteel fashion, but which nonetheless bespeaks a youthful sense of fun and adventure. The cops seem to have handled the situation with their usual irony, patience and dignity.
posted by No Robots at 8:39 AM on August 23, 2017 [12 favorites]
posted by No Robots at 8:39 AM on August 23, 2017 [12 favorites]
There was my wedding, where when I saw that my soon to be wife had arrived at the church I made the motion to the organist to start playing the entrance piece. She had arrived on time (or possibly slightly early) and I didn't have a watch but everyone was there so why not get the show on the road.
Except that everyone was not quite ready. The priest still hadn't got his vestments on yet, so he had to hurriedly put them on to make it to the altar just after my soon to be wife did. All in all no big deal, but the priest did remark that that was the only time so far that he had been almost late to a wedding.
posted by koolkat at 8:44 AM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
Except that everyone was not quite ready. The priest still hadn't got his vestments on yet, so he had to hurriedly put them on to make it to the altar just after my soon to be wife did. All in all no big deal, but the priest did remark that that was the only time so far that he had been almost late to a wedding.
posted by koolkat at 8:44 AM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
Minnesota, hail to thee!
Hail to Thee our Prexy, Sire!
posted by maxsparber at 8:46 AM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
Hail to Thee our Prexy, Sire!
posted by maxsparber at 8:46 AM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
Dammit. That was pure reflex.
posted by maxsparber at 8:47 AM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by maxsparber at 8:47 AM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
I was in a Wisconsin wedding where we joined the bridal party for bar hopping (still all dressed up) right after the reception ended. The groom was pretty drunk and ended up getting into a shoving match with some barfly that looked like it could get serious. The maid of honor's husband is a physical trainer and his nickname is Thor, because he looks like a superhero carved out of marble. We made it all the way out onto the street out front where he handled the guy who wanted to kick the groom's ass in the single most effortlessly macho display I have ever seen in my life.
"That piece of fucking shit, he pushed me and---"
"Hey..."
"Fucker---"
"Hey. I can see that you want to get at my friend here. And all things considered, maybe you're even in the right on that. He's pretty drunk. But it's his wedding day and I can't let that happen. If you're going to want to get at him, you're going to have to go through me. And I think we both know... you're not going to get through me, are you?"
[in the annoyed, but compliant voice of a whiny teen whose dad has just scolded him]
"No... No, I'm not."
"You can go now."
[awkward pause]
"You can go."
[drunk guy trudges off never to be seen again]
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:50 AM on August 23, 2017 [33 favorites]
"That piece of fucking shit, he pushed me and---"
"Hey..."
"Fucker---"
"Hey. I can see that you want to get at my friend here. And all things considered, maybe you're even in the right on that. He's pretty drunk. But it's his wedding day and I can't let that happen. If you're going to want to get at him, you're going to have to go through me. And I think we both know... you're not going to get through me, are you?"
[in the annoyed, but compliant voice of a whiny teen whose dad has just scolded him]
"No... No, I'm not."
"You can go now."
[awkward pause]
"You can go."
[drunk guy trudges off never to be seen again]
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:50 AM on August 23, 2017 [33 favorites]
So which member of the wedding party is a Palin?
posted by TedW at 8:50 AM on August 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by TedW at 8:50 AM on August 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
The bride ended up in handcuffs.
So, they made it to the honeymoon?
You jest, but the local coverage last night (I'm in Calgary, so you can imagine the winks to the camera) noted that the police allowed the bridge and groom to go and have their wedding night following the arrests, on a promise to appear.
So, I'm thinking the vows might need to be amended to: "Love, honour, obey the law, promise to appear, stand surety, post bail."
ETA the u in honour, lest my Canadian citizenship be revoked, eh?
posted by nubs at 8:53 AM on August 23, 2017 [3 favorites]
So, they made it to the honeymoon?
You jest, but the local coverage last night (I'm in Calgary, so you can imagine the winks to the camera) noted that the police allowed the bridge and groom to go and have their wedding night following the arrests, on a promise to appear.
So, I'm thinking the vows might need to be amended to: "Love, honour, obey the law, promise to appear, stand surety, post bail."
ETA the u in honour, lest my Canadian citizenship be revoked, eh?
posted by nubs at 8:53 AM on August 23, 2017 [3 favorites]
One of my bosses got married, and invited everybody in the department. There was an open bar, and one of the partners had a major problem with drinking.
How bad? HE STAGGERED DOWN THE AISLE AHEAD OF THE BRIDE, DRUNKENLY TELLING EVERYBODY HOW HOT SHE LOOKED.
I invited nobody from our department to my wedding.
posted by joyceanmachine at 8:54 AM on August 23, 2017 [23 favorites]
How bad? HE STAGGERED DOWN THE AISLE AHEAD OF THE BRIDE, DRUNKENLY TELLING EVERYBODY HOW HOT SHE LOOKED.
I invited nobody from our department to my wedding.
posted by joyceanmachine at 8:54 AM on August 23, 2017 [23 favorites]
He said it was like a scene from the Wild Wild West.
I would sleep happy on my concrete bunk if I had to be arrested after robot-spider Kenneth Branagh turned up at my wedding.
posted by biffa at 8:54 AM on August 23, 2017 [8 favorites]
I would sleep happy on my concrete bunk if I had to be arrested after robot-spider Kenneth Branagh turned up at my wedding.
posted by biffa at 8:54 AM on August 23, 2017 [8 favorites]
My nephew-in-law's first wedding:
He was AWOL from the Marines. The wedding and reception were in the VFW hall and it was the saddest looking VFW hall I have ever seen in my life and I have seen and spent a lot of time in plenty of VFW halls in my life.
During the wedding, his car was repossessed by the bank. This news was broadcast to us by one of his friends who had snuck out to grab a smoke. He ran in, during the wedding, mind you, and yelled that the groom's car was being towed. Groom runs out of the building. Bride waits a couple of seconds and then walks out after him. After a few minutes, my husband goes out to see what's going on. The bride is sitting on the ground, having a smoke. The groom is arguing with the tow truck driver. It almost comes to blows. Car is towed, everyone comes back inside and the wedding resumes.
We all have to leave the building while their friends set up for the reception.
It's about 2 hours into the reception and the bride and groom are DRUNK BEYOND REASON. There's a stage in this particular VFW hall and the bridal party is seated at a long table on the stage. The cake is on a round table in front of the bridal party table.
The bride and groom start arguing on the stage. At first, it's quiet. Then it gets louder. And louder. There is a lot of cursing. Pretty soon, the bride starts smacking the groom on his chest. Next thing I know, the groom shoves the bride, she bumps into the cake table, and the table and the cake (four tiered layers, if you must know) go crashing on to the floor.
It was SPECTACULAR. I only wish we had video of the whole thing. This was pre cell phone age, so there exists nothing but our sweet, sweet memories.
They divorced six months later.
posted by cooker girl at 8:58 AM on August 23, 2017 [28 favorites]
He was AWOL from the Marines. The wedding and reception were in the VFW hall and it was the saddest looking VFW hall I have ever seen in my life and I have seen and spent a lot of time in plenty of VFW halls in my life.
During the wedding, his car was repossessed by the bank. This news was broadcast to us by one of his friends who had snuck out to grab a smoke. He ran in, during the wedding, mind you, and yelled that the groom's car was being towed. Groom runs out of the building. Bride waits a couple of seconds and then walks out after him. After a few minutes, my husband goes out to see what's going on. The bride is sitting on the ground, having a smoke. The groom is arguing with the tow truck driver. It almost comes to blows. Car is towed, everyone comes back inside and the wedding resumes.
We all have to leave the building while their friends set up for the reception.
It's about 2 hours into the reception and the bride and groom are DRUNK BEYOND REASON. There's a stage in this particular VFW hall and the bridal party is seated at a long table on the stage. The cake is on a round table in front of the bridal party table.
The bride and groom start arguing on the stage. At first, it's quiet. Then it gets louder. And louder. There is a lot of cursing. Pretty soon, the bride starts smacking the groom on his chest. Next thing I know, the groom shoves the bride, she bumps into the cake table, and the table and the cake (four tiered layers, if you must know) go crashing on to the floor.
It was SPECTACULAR. I only wish we had video of the whole thing. This was pre cell phone age, so there exists nothing but our sweet, sweet memories.
They divorced six months later.
posted by cooker girl at 8:58 AM on August 23, 2017 [28 favorites]
He said it was like a scene from the Wild Wild West.
I would sleep happy on my concrete bunk if I had to be arrested after robot-spider Kenneth Branagh turned up at my wedding.
Holy shit I was making this same joke to some of my friends about this. Why did CBC think that needed to be italicized?
posted by Navelgazer at 9:40 AM on August 23, 2017
I would sleep happy on my concrete bunk if I had to be arrested after robot-spider Kenneth Branagh turned up at my wedding.
Holy shit I was making this same joke to some of my friends about this. Why did CBC think that needed to be italicized?
posted by Navelgazer at 9:40 AM on August 23, 2017
A good friend of mine bartended in Edmonton in the 90s for several years in a big honky-tonk style place. He said Roadhouse was a fucking documentary.
posted by fshgrl at 9:55 AM on August 23, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 9:55 AM on August 23, 2017 [5 favorites]
My father punched the bride's brother in the face at my best friend's wedding reception (it's a long story but trust me, her brother had it coming. She even commended my father for it later on). The only thing that stopped a full scale brawl from erupting was that my other friend Josh (who had been over-served in his Scotch & Sodas that evening) began violently throwing up right after the brother went ass over tea kettle on to the dance floor . My mother quickly grabbed a half-full bread basket off a nearby table and stuck it under his face telling him, "Don't throw up on your tux; it's a rental."
The best wedding I've ever been to.
posted by KingEdRa at 9:57 AM on August 23, 2017 [8 favorites]
The best wedding I've ever been to.
posted by KingEdRa at 9:57 AM on August 23, 2017 [8 favorites]
Somehow these hockey fights in the streets have become a thing lately--or talking about them has. I was going to make a post a couple of months ago, but never quite pulled it together.. Something like:
Toronto the Good? No, Toronto the AWESOME!
Now that it is months later though.. Well.. the rabbit hole goes deep. The original video taken down? No problem. The Aftermath? And here's one side of the story too!
I mean ya, in some ways it is horrible. All the "I'm so glad the internet didn't exist when I was young" type thing--the way it might come back to hurt people in their later lives. But.. Well, it's kind of all that was good and fun about hockey fights, or professional wrestling, or the chariot race.
For the record, I think it is time that hockey cleans the violence up with complete zero tolerance of everything--olympic style rules kind of thing--but that's a digression :P
posted by Chuckles at 10:46 AM on August 23, 2017
Toronto the Good? No, Toronto the AWESOME!
Now that it is months later though.. Well.. the rabbit hole goes deep. The original video taken down? No problem. The Aftermath? And here's one side of the story too!
I mean ya, in some ways it is horrible. All the "I'm so glad the internet didn't exist when I was young" type thing--the way it might come back to hurt people in their later lives. But.. Well, it's kind of all that was good and fun about hockey fights, or professional wrestling, or the chariot race.
For the record, I think it is time that hockey cleans the violence up with complete zero tolerance of everything--olympic style rules kind of thing--but that's a digression :P
posted by Chuckles at 10:46 AM on August 23, 2017
I do love a crazy wedding story. Most people have little to no experience with large event planning, which in turn results in a lot of stress and many a logistical snafu, there are often a lot of emotions and pre-existing family tensions/dysfunction at play, and then there's usually alcohol on hand. The whole do can turn into a large scale psychodrama very, very quickly. I used to go through the stories on EtiquetteHell.com like candy.
posted by orange swan at 10:48 AM on August 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by orange swan at 10:48 AM on August 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
One of my favourite wedding disaster stories of all time was reported in the news over ten years ago. The 18-year-old bride and her maid of honour had gone to Target on the morning of the wedding to buy makeup. They were in the parking lot when the maid of honour decided to inform the bride that she had spent the entirety of the previous night with the groom. Then bride to be and the maid of honour then promptly got into a brawl in the Target parking lot. The police were called, and they carted both young women off to the local jail.
But wait, it gets better.
The bride told the police she wanted to see the groom, and the police were going to arrange that for her, but then they discovered that there was a warrant out for the groom's arrest, and arrested the groom instead. The bride and maid of honour were released without being charged, but the bride didn't get to see her intended as she wished, as he was being processed.
And the funniest line in the entire news item was what the police officer said when asked by the reporter if the wedding was still going forward: "Well, I don't know, but I would think not."
And does anyone remember this FPP? The links are dead, which is a shame, because they included a link to what has to be my favourite mugshot of all time -- a drunken and pissed looking bride in a strapless white gown. The police called because she was seen walking drunk and disorderly along the highway, having stormed out of her own wedding reception after screaming at her caterers, and tried to simply talk to her rather than arrest her, but when she tried to bite and punch them, and then to kick her way out of the cruiser when they put her in the backseat in an effort to give her a time out, it was into the clink with her on her wedding day.
posted by orange swan at 11:04 AM on August 23, 2017
But wait, it gets better.
The bride told the police she wanted to see the groom, and the police were going to arrange that for her, but then they discovered that there was a warrant out for the groom's arrest, and arrested the groom instead. The bride and maid of honour were released without being charged, but the bride didn't get to see her intended as she wished, as he was being processed.
And the funniest line in the entire news item was what the police officer said when asked by the reporter if the wedding was still going forward: "Well, I don't know, but I would think not."
And does anyone remember this FPP? The links are dead, which is a shame, because they included a link to what has to be my favourite mugshot of all time -- a drunken and pissed looking bride in a strapless white gown. The police called because she was seen walking drunk and disorderly along the highway, having stormed out of her own wedding reception after screaming at her caterers, and tried to simply talk to her rather than arrest her, but when she tried to bite and punch them, and then to kick her way out of the cruiser when they put her in the backseat in an effort to give her a time out, it was into the clink with her on her wedding day.
posted by orange swan at 11:04 AM on August 23, 2017
Watch the last short, Until Death Do Us Part, one of 6 short films in "Wild Tales", for a grand wedding disaster. It's fiction, but it's in the spirit of the moment. ("Wild Tales" (Relatos salvajes) was on Netflix for a time.)
posted by kneecapped at 11:25 AM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by kneecapped at 11:25 AM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
My hometown! I never knew it to be so rowdy when I lived there :)
posted by Calzephyr at 11:37 AM on August 23, 2017
posted by Calzephyr at 11:37 AM on August 23, 2017
Aw, they haven't released the names of the bride and groom. They're 36 and 37. I'm 36, and grew up in (well, near enough to) Edmonton. The chances I knew at least one of them in junior high is non-zero.
Also, re: "Wild Wild West," note that whereas Calgary's wild west is cowboy style, Edmonton's is very much goldrush style. This seems relevant. I'm not really sure how, exactly, but, hey.
posted by Sys Rq at 11:43 AM on August 23, 2017 [4 favorites]
Also, re: "Wild Wild West," note that whereas Calgary's wild west is cowboy style, Edmonton's is very much goldrush style. This seems relevant. I'm not really sure how, exactly, but, hey.
posted by Sys Rq at 11:43 AM on August 23, 2017 [4 favorites]
Does anyone know what rumors are going around on Facebook about why the fight started? Our narrator Matt seemed to feel like it wasn't his place to say, but now I'm really curious.
posted by mudpuppie at 12:15 PM on August 23, 2017
posted by mudpuppie at 12:15 PM on August 23, 2017
At least the bride and groom were brawling together on the same side.
From earlier this month; Tennessee bride arrested for pulling gun out of wedding dress, pointing it at new husband
posted by ActingTheGoat at 12:16 PM on August 23, 2017
From earlier this month; Tennessee bride arrested for pulling gun out of wedding dress, pointing it at new husband
posted by ActingTheGoat at 12:16 PM on August 23, 2017
chapps: I won't tell you about the funeral I took him to at 6.
Ain't too proud to beg.
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:19 PM on August 23, 2017 [3 favorites]
Ain't too proud to beg.
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:19 PM on August 23, 2017 [3 favorites]
Kneecapped, I too was going to mention "Wild Tales". The wedding segment totally made that movie for me. Great stuff.
posted by hoodrich at 12:41 PM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by hoodrich at 12:41 PM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
THe biggest wedding fiasco I have seen is when two friends got married on Valentine's Day some years ago. When they went to cut the wedding cake, someone had already taken a slice out of it. Seems downright boring in comparison.
posted by TedW at 1:29 PM on August 23, 2017
posted by TedW at 1:29 PM on August 23, 2017
One morning about 20 years ago I was greeted at my summer construction job, which was an hour or so south of Edmonton, with the news that another Albertan who shared my name had beaten somebody to death at a wedding with a wrench or a baseball bat over the weekend.
The guys on the site thought it was very amusing.
posted by clawsoon at 4:01 PM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
The guys on the site thought it was very amusing.
posted by clawsoon at 4:01 PM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
"they're all toothless cousinfuckers down there" stereotypes so many preciously urbane people have.
Written, I hope, in a spirit of solidarity, i.e. 'it's totally not cool to ridicule people for their lack of dental care' -- or their cousinfucking either, for that matter.
posted by feral_goldfish at 6:20 PM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
Written, I hope, in a spirit of solidarity, i.e. 'it's totally not cool to ridicule people for their lack of dental care' -- or their cousinfucking either, for that matter.
posted by feral_goldfish at 6:20 PM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
"The bouncer's got one guy in a headlock -- either the groom or the best man, I'm not sure -- and the bride is literally on top, just like -- swinging."
Should I ever need one again, I want this for my caketopper.
posted by feral_goldfish at 6:21 PM on August 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
Should I ever need one again, I want this for my caketopper.
posted by feral_goldfish at 6:21 PM on August 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
Somewhat related and equally hilarious: The time the CBC broadcast the weather-related complaints of a highly-frustrated Saskatchewan resident.
posted by Verg at 10:29 PM on August 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Verg at 10:29 PM on August 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
I know it's perverse, but I've always wanted to be present at a wedding where something went wrong. Not tragically, violently wrong but sitcomesque, embarrasingly wrong. Cake falls on bride, groom says wrong name at vows, hall is double-booked for roller derby... that fun sort of wrong that you can reminisce about.
This is mild by comparison, but my friends had a wedding cake decorated with daisies. And by decorated, I mean it was covered with them from top to bottom. So the caterers decided to store the thing in the fridge during the reception. They brought it out after dinner and every daisy had closed up and basically died very dramatically. It looked like some sort of Halloween decoration. Somehow no one on the catering staff had realised this night not be what it was meant to look like or even had a quick word with the couple before displaying it. So it was a bit of a shock.
posted by lollusc at 12:32 AM on August 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
This is mild by comparison, but my friends had a wedding cake decorated with daisies. And by decorated, I mean it was covered with them from top to bottom. So the caterers decided to store the thing in the fridge during the reception. They brought it out after dinner and every daisy had closed up and basically died very dramatically. It looked like some sort of Halloween decoration. Somehow no one on the catering staff had realised this night not be what it was meant to look like or even had a quick word with the couple before displaying it. So it was a bit of a shock.
posted by lollusc at 12:32 AM on August 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
Does anyone know what rumors are going around on Facebook about why the fight started? Our narrator Matt seemed to feel like it wasn't his place to say, but now I'm really curious.
No clue why the linked article didn't include a direct link to the viral tweet, but the photographer (Ryan, friend of Matt) posted this explanation in the replies, from a bartender who was present.
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:48 AM on August 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
No clue why the linked article didn't include a direct link to the viral tweet, but the photographer (Ryan, friend of Matt) posted this explanation in the replies, from a bartender who was present.
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:48 AM on August 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
GuyZero: The "jeez" sealed it. The interviewer was indeed the new Hemmingway.
It was in a publication from Prairie Bible Institute (Three Hills, Alberta) that I learned that you shouldn't say "jeez" because it was short for "Jesus", and that meant you were taking the Lord's name in vain.
That was a double-layer Alberta cake with a bible belt around the middle.
posted by clawsoon at 5:09 AM on August 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
It was in a publication from Prairie Bible Institute (Three Hills, Alberta) that I learned that you shouldn't say "jeez" because it was short for "Jesus", and that meant you were taking the Lord's name in vain.
That was a double-layer Alberta cake with a bible belt around the middle.
posted by clawsoon at 5:09 AM on August 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
leotrotsky: I know it's perverse, but I've always wanted to be present at a wedding where something went wrong. Not tragically, violently wrong but sitcomesque, embarrasingly wrong. Cake falls on bride, groom says wrong name at vows, hall is double-booked for roller derby... that fun sort of wrong that you can reminisce about.
My story is pretty tame compared to the OP, of course, and even the ones mentioned in this thread. At the rainy wedding reception where I told the groom he could get valets a the reception "next time" (quickly realizing the error in my statement, I mumbled something useless, and wandered off with everyone else who had a moment ago been next to the groom to congratulate him), the best man drunkenly toasted "may every day be better than the next," which got a chortle from the few of us who were sober enough to parse that phrase.
Otherwise, my one attempt at being a wedding DJ flopped miserably, and I felt awful for the happy couple (I showed up late, because I lost track of time while scrambling to find all the songs they had requested, and I still didn't have everything they wanted), and our reception DJ spent a good while trying to get his gear to work, but when he did, he was able to play our wedding song, the Monster Mash from a 7" record I had recently found by pure chance.
Anyway, the couple from the rainy reception are still together, so there hasn't been a chance for a re-do the valet situation on the grooms part, and I'm still with my wife, but I'm not sure what happened to the other couple. I hope I wasn't the cause of their first marital disagreement.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:25 AM on August 24, 2017
My story is pretty tame compared to the OP, of course, and even the ones mentioned in this thread. At the rainy wedding reception where I told the groom he could get valets a the reception "next time" (quickly realizing the error in my statement, I mumbled something useless, and wandered off with everyone else who had a moment ago been next to the groom to congratulate him), the best man drunkenly toasted "may every day be better than the next," which got a chortle from the few of us who were sober enough to parse that phrase.
Otherwise, my one attempt at being a wedding DJ flopped miserably, and I felt awful for the happy couple (I showed up late, because I lost track of time while scrambling to find all the songs they had requested, and I still didn't have everything they wanted), and our reception DJ spent a good while trying to get his gear to work, but when he did, he was able to play our wedding song, the Monster Mash from a 7" record I had recently found by pure chance.
Anyway, the couple from the rainy reception are still together, so there hasn't been a chance for a re-do the valet situation on the grooms part, and I'm still with my wife, but I'm not sure what happened to the other couple. I hope I wasn't the cause of their first marital disagreement.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:25 AM on August 24, 2017
showbiz_liz: " the photographer (Ryan, friend of Matt) posted this explanation in the replies, from a bartender who was present."
So the bride and groom weren't fighting each other; rather the bride had the groom's back.
posted by Mitheral at 1:22 PM on August 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
So the bride and groom weren't fighting each other; rather the bride had the groom's back.
posted by Mitheral at 1:22 PM on August 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
You know, I can't at all explain why wedding disaster stories fill me with ... glee isn't the right word, but in my head, the stories all happen as though they are Charlie Chaplain movies. All black and white, and fantastically framed, and exaggerated facial expressions, and placards with dialog and exposition, accompanied by penny whistle music.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 5:50 PM on August 27, 2017
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 5:50 PM on August 27, 2017
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posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:41 AM on August 23, 2017 [20 favorites]