"They are the Walter White of Middle Earth."
September 15, 2017 12:30 PM   Subscribe

In a lengthy tweet chain beginning here, author Matt Wallace digs into Middle Earth's ugly secret: Seriously, though, can we finally talk about how Lord of the Rings is one epic PR story covering up Middle Earth's secret drug wars?
posted by Lexica (35 comments total) 22 users marked this as a favorite
 
Well... as far as LotR fan theories go, I find this one a lot less compelling slash plausible than the Tom Bombadil is evil theory.
posted by Caduceus at 12:48 PM on September 15, 2017 [27 favorites]


Your love of the halfing's leaf has clearly slowed your mind - Saruman to Gandalf.


Anyways, I think it's clear Matt has a point - the halfling's weed is some dope fucking shit. Longbottom Leaf. Old Toby. Southern Star. I can't chose between them. But he's missed a key point - yeah, this is a fight for drug distribution rights, but not just pipe weed.

What high is everyone really chasing? Saruman wasn't taken in by the leaf, man, he went for the bling of the Ring. The Ring is the supremo drug, the high everyone wants, so good that Sauron had an out of body experience over it. Even a short exposure fries Boromir's mind out. The Ringwraiths are just some bad ass junkies, jonsesing for another hit. Sauron is the Maia with the mainline.

The hobbits are the only ones who could carry the Ring because they'd spent years getting high on their own supply; they had a tolerance, man. So they got rid of the competition, alright - the only guy with a product better than their own.
posted by nubs at 12:51 PM on September 15, 2017 [28 favorites]


So "Second Breakfast" = Middle Earth Munchies?
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:04 PM on September 15, 2017 [12 favorites]




/Obi-Wan drops by to pick up his death-sticks, exterior speakers on his shuttle blaring Jizz music.
posted by Artw at 1:36 PM on September 15, 2017 [8 favorites]


Back when I was in college in the late '90s (which is to say, pre-Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings films) a friend of mine wrote a five-page essay for fun describing how LOTR would have been different if Frodo and Sam had somehow gotten access to an Apache attack helicopter. It was shockingly detailed.
posted by Strange Interlude at 1:43 PM on September 15, 2017 [14 favorites]


Is this a safe space for pop culture hypotheticals? Ok....here goes.

Frank Herbert's Dune is basically Scarface in space, only instead of cocaine....

“....the spice must flow, say hello to my little Freman!”
posted by Fizz at 1:44 PM on September 15, 2017 [13 favorites]


Back when I was in college in the late '90s (which is to say, pre-Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings films) a friend of mine wrote a five-page essay for fun describing how LOTR would have been different if Frodo and Sam had somehow gotten access to an Apache attack helicopter. It was shockingly detailed.

I'd pay sixteen bucks to see this. Although really isn't it just Apache Helicopters vs Pandora Banshees all over again?
posted by mikelieman at 1:46 PM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: Everyone's got a dope house filled with gourmet cheese.
posted by Naberius at 1:46 PM on September 15, 2017 [3 favorites]


I would guess a lot of the helicopter script would be a Real Genius montage as they learn aeronautics and then 20 min action sequence.
posted by curious nu at 1:49 PM on September 15, 2017 [2 favorites]


OK but if a U.S. marine infantry battalion was transported to middle-earth during the reign of Aragorn, could they dethrone the King of Gondor?
posted by the phlegmatic king at 1:49 PM on September 15, 2017 [8 favorites]


This is how Ernest Cline happens, I suppose.
posted by Artw at 1:52 PM on September 15, 2017 [9 favorites]


Frank Herbert's Dune is basically Scarface in space

Frankly, I always thought that the Spice Girls were part of the Bene Gesserit.

Frodo and Sam had somehow gotten access to an Apache attack helicopter

"Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee. And I don't mean to," Sam said, as he slaved the 30mm chain gun to his heads up display. "I don't mean to."
posted by nubs at 1:52 PM on September 15, 2017 [23 favorites]


I'd pay sixteen bucks to see this. Although really isn't it just Apache Helicopters vs Pandora Banshees all over again?

Like I said, he wrote it back when the LOTR films and Avatar were still just fishy rumors on Ain't It Cool, so if anything those guys owe an intellectual debt to his prior art. I've asked him to dig it back up on numerous occasions, but I think it may have been lost to a hard drive crash long past.
posted by Strange Interlude at 1:52 PM on September 15, 2017


how LOTR would have been different if Frodo and Sam had somehow gotten access to an Apache attack helicopter.

Reminds me of the "let's drop a typical rightwing mil-sf protagonist into Middle Earth and see what happens when he equips the hobbits with M-16s" threads in rec.arts.sf.written/fandom back in the day.
posted by MartinWisse at 2:29 PM on September 15, 2017


Reminds me of the "let's drop a typical rightwing mil-sf protagonist into Middle Earth and see what happens when he equips the hobbits with M-16s" threads in rec.arts.sf.written/fandom back in the day.

Perhaps the better question is "what would have happened if Frodo and Sam brought some Longbottom Leaf to Barad-Dur and hashed (heh) things out with Sauron?" Maybe they could have mellowed him out, agreed that fingers are weird, and gone looking for some Doritos together.
posted by nubs at 2:34 PM on September 15, 2017 [2 favorites]


*coughs from pipe-weed smoke*

The thing is, in the real commentary on the DVDs/Blu-rays, Dominic Monaghan and Billy Boyd actually talk about doing multiple takes pretending to be high, drunk, or both. What made it into the movie was more of a toke-take, with a hint of intoxication.
posted by zombieflanders at 2:35 PM on September 15, 2017 [4 favorites]


the Tom Bombadil is evil theory.

This is the best thing.
posted by corb at 4:32 PM on September 15, 2017 [6 favorites]


The Ring is the supremo drug, the high everyone wants

When you go to live with your cool uncle only for him to get you hooked on the very vice that was killing him. Reminds me of an ex-roommate of mine and his relationship with his family.
posted by radwolf76 at 6:05 PM on September 15, 2017


I shall be Gandalf this year at the thinning of the veil. I remain undecided if my packet of pipeweed should be marijuana or tobacco.

I intend to put this research into my pipe and smoke it.
posted by mwhybark at 6:56 PM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]


"Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee. And I don't mean to," Sam said, as he slaved the 30mm chain gun to his heads up display. "I don't mean to."

TAKE MY MONEY.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:09 PM on September 15, 2017 [4 favorites]


a friend of mine wrote a five-page essay for fun describing how LOTR would have been different if Frodo and Sam had somehow gotten access to an Apache attack helicopter.

They use the helicopter to go find the eagles and the novel ends in chapter 2?
posted by Dr Dracator at 11:00 PM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]


They use the helicopter to go find the eagles and the novel ends in chapter 2?

Wait, if we have a helicopter, why do we need the eagles? No offense to these awesome birds, but I really doubt that Sauron is going to be able to put up a fight against a Boeing AH-64 Apache armed with AGM-114 Hellfire anti-tank missiles, and Hydra 70 general-purpose unguided 70 mm rockets.
posted by Fizz at 5:20 AM on September 16, 2017


Wait, if we have a helicopter, why do we need the eagles?

Nothing wrong with having some F-16s around to ensure air superiority.
posted by nubs at 6:57 AM on September 16, 2017 [1 favorite]


ok so now I want to go through Wobbuffet's incredible 19th cent. lit reviews post and retcon the scripts with Apache attack copters. will Heathcliff just return and blow Thrushcross Grange off the planet?
posted by supermedusa at 11:05 AM on September 16, 2017 [1 favorite]


the extra weaponry is starting to sound like Mary Gentle's Grunts (GoodReads.com).
posted by a person of few words at 3:15 PM on September 16, 2017 [1 favorite]


Back when I was in college in the late '90s (which is to say, pre-Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings films) a friend of mine wrote a five-page essay for fun describing how LOTR would have been different if Frodo and Sam had somehow gotten access to an Apache attack helicopter. It was shockingly detailed.

That was The Hobbit.
posted by srboisvert at 5:44 AM on September 17, 2017 [1 favorite]


"Wraiths with wings!" shrieked Gollum as the MiG-29s screamed by low overhead. Sam recognized the markings; these were indeed the Black Riders - or the Nazgul Squadron, as they would style themselves. He hoped the camouflage net the Elves had given them would keep the Apache (and them) hidden.
posted by nubs at 8:00 AM on September 17, 2017 [3 favorites]


Then lots of songs about maintaining rotor bearings
posted by thelonius at 9:04 AM on September 17, 2017 [2 favorites]




"Courage, Merry. Courage for our friends," Eowyn said as she stopped their Humvee alongside the others atop the ridge.

Merry nodded, and worked the slide on the .50 caliber machine gun, as he surveyed the field of orcs below them.
posted by nubs at 4:49 PM on September 17, 2017 [2 favorites]


/r/metafilter
posted by Artw at 5:05 PM on September 17, 2017 [1 favorite]


What if "ORC" actually has an etymology derived from an *acronym*, such as orientalis regimentum caesaris?

Where is your Rubicon now, James Ruel? Where might it be?
posted by mwhybark at 5:17 PM on September 17, 2017 [1 favorite]


Aww, tryna dig into this, looks like JRRT intended to borrow the etymology of "ogre". This is midly discomfiting as my biological ancestry includes the patronymic "Ogle", also said to share an etymological descent from ogre.
posted by mwhybark at 5:58 PM on September 17, 2017


I think that the original cast of SNL did "What if Napoleon had a B-52 bomber at the Battle of Waterloo?"
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:12 PM on September 17, 2017 [1 favorite]


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