But if you do and you survive, let us know how they taste?
September 19, 2017 2:12 PM   Subscribe

 
Probably the last blog on the planet with native ads that actually work.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 2:24 PM on September 19, 2017 [2 favorites]


Night salad manager? That's a thing? How do I apply for the job?
posted by gusottertrout at 2:29 PM on September 19, 2017 [23 favorites]


The far more useful warning may actually be that their night salad manager regularly conducts experiments with possibly poisonous seeds at work. (Perhaps contemplating revenge for having the official title of Salad Manager? I'd have bargained hard for Salad General. Or perhaps Head of Lettuce.)
posted by eotvos at 2:30 PM on September 19, 2017 [35 favorites]


I wonder if it's called that because it's a night-time gig, or if they have something called "night salad" that needs to be managed. Either way, I'd do it.
posted by OrangeGloves at 2:31 PM on September 19, 2017 [14 favorites]


I'll manage your night salad.
posted by ZaneJ. at 2:34 PM on September 19, 2017 [24 favorites]


For the benefit of non-NYC people, many convenience stores have salad bars of varying and often dubious quality. (In fact, I would say, apropos of another recent Mefi discussion, that having one automatically promotes you beyond mere "bodega" status.) I would imagine this is the guy who babysits that for this store.
posted by praemunire at 2:34 PM on September 19, 2017 [3 favorites]


Night salad is definitely a euphemism for something, but I'm not sure what yet, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to see it tossed.
posted by loquacious at 2:34 PM on September 19, 2017 [15 favorites]


Don't eat them… they apparently are inedible.

Inedible? Perhaps.

Uneatable? Challenge accepted.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 2:34 PM on September 19, 2017 [13 favorites]



I'll manage your night salad.


It's a roughage ride
posted by nubs at 2:39 PM on September 19, 2017 [15 favorites]


Man I was all excited to try it and now I'm just meloncholy
posted by rouftop at 2:39 PM on September 19, 2017 [10 favorites]


This Is Just To Say...
posted by Mchelly at 2:39 PM on September 19, 2017 [10 favorites]


The Night Salad Manager starring Tom-ato Hiddleston
posted by cazoo at 2:42 PM on September 19, 2017 [9 favorites]


I have eaten
the melons
that were in
the median

and which
you were probably
saving
for night salad

Forgive me
they were inedible
so musky
and likely egusi
posted by nubs at 2:44 PM on September 19, 2017 [78 favorites]


The night salad manager works In the Night Kitchen.
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 2:45 PM on September 19, 2017 [9 favorites]


Obviously that Night Salad Manager is the slightly weird spin off from Salad Manager that goes into very weird supernatural twists.

So, those aren't melons. They're alien eggs.
posted by lmfsilva at 2:45 PM on September 19, 2017 [3 favorites]


So what are they?
posted by dilaudid at 2:47 PM on September 19, 2017


Melonomas?
posted by greenhornet at 2:48 PM on September 19, 2017 [6 favorites]


Wow, she's got great melons.
posted by Melismata at 2:49 PM on September 19, 2017 [1 favorite]


Everyone knows in the books its ‘The Night’s Salad”
posted by The Whelk at 2:50 PM on September 19, 2017 [7 favorites]


Is the night salad manager from Night Vale, perhaps?
posted by FirstMateKate at 2:51 PM on September 19, 2017 [1 favorite]


N I G H T
S A L A D
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 2:52 PM on September 19, 2017 [8 favorites]


the way this story ends is somebody fails to heed the warnings and eats the melons and gets a bellyache and takes a nap to sleep it off and wakes up that evening to discover that he is the night salad manager now
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:54 PM on September 19, 2017 [88 favorites]


Workin on my NIGHT SALAD 🎤
posted by saturday_morning at 3:03 PM on September 19, 2017 [21 favorites]


Audreys, III and IV
posted by Iris Gambol at 3:07 PM on September 19, 2017 [9 favorites]


Every other unidentifiable fruiting body growing in a median strip in NYC is still totally fine to eat, though, right?
posted by mubba at 3:09 PM on September 19, 2017 [20 favorites]


The Night Salad
by Stephen King

The man in black fled across the pedestrian median, and the gunslinger followed. The melons, the gunslinger thought, had been left as a trap, but he slowed to consider them.

"Go, then. There are other gourds than these," Kim said, prodding the gunslinger along.
posted by nubs at 3:09 PM on September 19, 2017 [15 favorites]


of course the business across the street that sells produce is going to tell you not to eat the greens that you can find for free right outside their door. how do you think they keep the lights on?
posted by indubitable at 3:10 PM on September 19, 2017 [8 favorites]


I think they're egusi melons, possibly? The flesh is described as "bitter and inedible" and they seem to look much like watermelons.
posted by Sequence at 3:14 PM on September 19, 2017


Eating is believing, melons are deceiving,
Hard as lightning, soft as candle light,
Dare you trust the salad of the night?

posted by saturday_morning at 3:15 PM on September 19, 2017 [9 favorites]


I'd love to buy a bootleg DVD somewhere in Asia that is directed by "M. Night Saladmanager."
posted by chinese_fashion at 3:20 PM on September 19, 2017 [21 favorites]




I was a Night Salad Manager, but I turned over a new leaf.
posted by Devonian at 3:25 PM on September 19, 2017 [9 favorites]


But I don't know what to do with those night salads and melon seeds. They're callin' again.
posted by Copronymus at 3:27 PM on September 19, 2017 [9 favorites]


Jack Torrance: Mr. Grady, you were the night salad manager here.

Delbert Grady: I'm sorry to differ with you sir, but you are the night salad manager. You've always been the night salad manager. I should know sir. I've always been here.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:31 PM on September 19, 2017 [14 favorites]


p. sure Night Salad Manager is a business sim on Steam
posted by indubitable at 3:32 PM on September 19, 2017 [3 favorites]


Inedible melons is how I feel on the inside, Rick.
posted by Mchelly at 3:44 PM on September 19, 2017 [6 favorites]


The Melonning
A Film By M. Night Saladmanager

posted by tclark at 3:44 PM on September 19, 2017 [22 favorites]


the way this story ends is somebody fails to heed the warnings and eats the melons and gets a bellyache and takes a nap to sleep it off and wakes up that evening to discover that he is the night salad manager now

A companion story to the Midnight Meat Train, perhaps


takin the Midnight Meat Train to my job managing the night salad
posted by Existential Dread at 4:05 PM on September 19, 2017 [4 favorites]


Every few years they have remind people not to eat the fish they catch in the Gowanus, too.
posted by phooky at 4:08 PM on September 19, 2017 [4 favorites]


or if they have something called "night salad" that needs to be managed

Everyone knows you don't manage a night salad. You wrangle it.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 4:21 PM on September 19, 2017 [5 favorites]


Don't eat the random melons growing in the middle of Amsterdam Avenue.

Don't tell me what to do.
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:24 PM on September 19, 2017 [7 favorites]


The melons were planted by the “night salad manager” at the store. He was playing around with some seeds and tried planting them.

I like the idea of this guy experimenting with mystery melon seeds. There's only so many things you can do with a melon seed, so playtime mustn't have been very long before he got to possibility #3 and put them in the ground.
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:26 PM on September 19, 2017 [12 favorites]


I'll manage your night salad.

Hey, this is a family website, ok
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 4:31 PM on September 19, 2017 [3 favorites]


For sale: night salad, never eaten.
posted by ouke at 4:36 PM on September 19, 2017 [12 favorites]


If you have to be repeatedly told not to fish a stretch of water that has both anus and anal in its name you deserve to eat the anus anal fish.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 4:37 PM on September 19, 2017 [12 favorites]


Egusi? Other than being on the median and probably soaked with car-related chemicals, it might not be too bad. The fruit isn't good but the seeds are apparently a West African staple.
posted by blnkfrnk at 5:26 PM on September 19, 2017 [1 favorite]


The Night Salad Manager starring Tom-ato Hiddleston

It's Kim’s Fruit and Vegetables. I used to shop there. The only people who work there are Korean and Latino. Don't whitewash this (theoretical) movie too!
posted by Borborygmus at 5:51 PM on September 19, 2017


Everyone knows in the books its ‘The Night’s Salad”

"Night gathers, and now my shift as salad manager begins. It shall not end until 8:00, when Raymond gets here. I shall take no carrot slices, hold no mushrooms, spill no dressing. I shall wear no unsafe gloves and win no glory. I shall live and die at my post. I am the tongs in the darkness. I am the watcher on the salad bar. I am the shield that guards the realms of croutons. I pledge my life and honor to the Night's Salad, for this night and all the nights to come. Can I help you?"
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:55 PM on September 19, 2017 [10 favorites]


> Melonomas?
> posted by greenhornet at 2:48 PM on September 19 

I read that as melon-no-mas.
posted by lkc at 6:58 PM on September 19, 2017 [3 favorites]


the Knight Saladin...
posted by mollymillions at 7:03 PM on September 19, 2017 [3 favorites]


This store is three blocks from my apartment. It does not have a salad bar.
posted by stargell at 7:23 PM on September 19, 2017 [8 favorites]


My brain keeps reading every instance of "salad" as "slaad", and it still makes perfect sense. The Night Slaad Manager sounds like a nifty new novel from co-authors Charles Stross and China Miéville.
posted by Fiberoptic Zebroid and The Hypnagogic Jerks at 8:15 PM on September 19, 2017 [1 favorite]


The Knight's salad-manager is a better gig, anyway.
posted by oddman at 8:30 PM on September 19, 2017


Wait, maybe this is part of the Potter-verse and the night salad is what you get served on the night bus?
posted by nubs at 8:35 PM on September 19, 2017


This store is three blocks from my apartment. It does not have a salad bar.

I knew it!

For sale: night salad, never eaten.

Twenty bucks, same as in the middle of the street?
posted by loquacious at 9:18 PM on September 19, 2017 [1 favorite]


I love this thread and everyone in it.
posted by RakDaddy at 10:46 PM on September 19, 2017 [11 favorites]


This is the night salad, crossing the border
Bringing the kale and the dressing in order
Lettuce for the rich, lettuce for the poor
The plate at the corner with the fresh coleslaw
Chopping up the beats with a steady hand
The vinaigrette is runny, but never bland
posted by Devonian at 12:42 AM on September 20, 2017 [9 favorites]


Somewhere I believe I read that Renaissance Florence had its Officers of the Night Salad.

"Be ardent about rooting out this vice, which is the cause of the ruin of our city." Anonymous informer (1496)
posted by tenderly at 1:23 AM on September 20, 2017 [1 favorite]


Waiter? I've changed my mind. I'll have the day soup instead.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:10 AM on September 20, 2017 [4 favorites]


Stargell: This store is three blocks from my apartment. It does not have a salad bar.

Can you go and try the melons for us?
posted by MattWPBS at 4:40 AM on September 20, 2017 [5 favorites]


Silently the senses
Abandon their defenses
Helpless to resist the leaves I smite
For I compose the salad of the night
posted by Segundus at 4:52 AM on September 20, 2017 [8 favorites]


There was corn growing on the street in the East Village. Someone harvested it, and I imagine ate it. They could have had some mulberries for desert (growing across the street) for all I know.
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:38 AM on September 20, 2017


This store is three blocks from my apartment. It does not have a salad bar.

The [illegal inedible vegetable] plot thickens...
posted by Mchelly at 6:10 AM on September 20, 2017 [2 favorites]


Show me round your fruitcage
'Cause I will be your honey bee
Open up your fruitcage
Where the fruit is as sweet as can be

I want to be your night salad
Why don't you call my name
You'd better call the night salad
Put your mind at rest
I'm going to be the night salad
This can be my testimony
I'm your night salad

posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:29 AM on September 20, 2017 [2 favorites]


Im close enough i could photograph the melons.


I am going to go photograph the melons
posted by The Whelk at 8:01 AM on September 20, 2017 [17 favorites]


Eat one! Its midnight in Japan and I'm leaving this tab open so I can read about it. Please, eat it.
posted by stormygrey at 8:04 AM on September 20, 2017


This comment on the article sums up why it's a bad idea to eat them even if they taste good:
Zulu says: Most soils in NYC will have a high content of heavy metals, including but not limited to lead and arsenic.

Heavy metals are absorbed by the root system and end up mostly in the plant’s leafs. The fruit tends to absorb less given that they are on the plant for less time but in the case of melons they tend to absorb almost as much as the plant does.

As a general rule, nothing grown in NYC soils should be consumed unless the soil has been tested and deemed safe for that purpose. For $25 to $30 you can have a university agricultural extension test soils for you.
posted by mattamatic at 8:15 AM on September 20, 2017 [2 favorites]


my name is kim
and wen its late
or wen the moon
is lik a plate
and all the melons
don please the palate
i toss veggies late
i lik the nite salad
posted by nubs at 8:41 AM on September 20, 2017 [8 favorites]


Let The Right Melon In
posted by Jeego at 8:48 AM on September 20, 2017


Another possible melon type it might be (?) - Cucumis myriocarpus which has a bunch of different common names.
posted by LobsterMitten at 9:22 AM on September 20, 2017


I can't handle a steak right now, but I can manage a salad. After all I am a Doctor of Arts and Lettuce.
posted by freecellwizard at 9:31 AM on September 20, 2017 [3 favorites]


Wait-- why & since when is there a median on Amsterdam & 104th?? I used to live around the corner and couldn’t picture where the melons would be growing... *googles*

...oh, huh, in Google street view history you can see that the median (more of an island protecting a bike line, really) was just finished in October 2016 but not there in May 2016. Which is a relief! I was worried the melons in question might be the pesky isuge variety that grows *backwards* through time & would be nudging its retouching tendrils into old photographs & memories of that spot. Whew!
posted by miles per flower at 10:25 AM on September 20, 2017 [7 favorites]


Melons
posted by The Whelk at 11:06 AM on September 20, 2017 [18 favorites]


Yeah, they put a north-bound bike lane on Amsterdam only about a year ago. I don't think most of the dividers are planted, though.
posted by praemunire at 11:43 AM on September 20, 2017


Eating random cucurbits off the side of the road is a ticket to the toxic squash syndrome [pdf] lottery.
posted by Poogle at 12:04 PM on September 20, 2017 [1 favorite]


Dear Ask Melonfilter,

Should I eat this melon? I found it on the median on Amsterdam Avenue. The local Night Salad Manager says that it is inedible and may be a science experiment, but I'm not sure I trust him. I've also heard that everything grown in NYC soil is contaminated by heavy metals. Should I eat it?
posted by mmoncur at 9:18 PM on September 20, 2017 [4 favorites]


I stuck my head in the store yesterday (seems like we could have a successful micro-Mefi-meetup of only people living within 5-10 min walk of 103d St on the 1). It's a produce store, so lots of fruits and vegetables, but...not a single salad, even prepackaged.

Beginning to think these melons are like the plants in GotG2 or something. When our melon overlords take over, Kim will be well-rewarded for his/her service.
posted by praemunire at 11:54 AM on September 21, 2017


Is Melons on the Median some kind of attempt to muscle in on Elf on the Shelf?
posted by nubs at 1:18 PM on September 21, 2017 [1 favorite]


This article (and its 27 reposts and twitter references) is the only appearance of the phrase "night salad manager" that Google can find.

I applaud the West Side Rag for coming up with such a novel idea and I sincerely hope that more shops of this nature engage a Night Salad Manager so that all may benefit.
posted by ananci at 1:51 PM on September 21, 2017 [4 favorites]


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