Most Inspiring 11th Hour Speech After A Disastrous Dress Rehearsal
September 24, 2017 7:55 AM   Subscribe

Allison Page for Medium: Honest Theatre Awards
posted by Faint of Butt (28 comments total) 20 users marked this as a favorite
Most Ill-Fated Hookup With The Sound Designer

Are Sound Designers particularly known for this?
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:59 AM on September 24 [1 favorite]

Are Sound Designers particularly known for this?

I'm my experience, it could subbed with any of the tech team. But sound designers are pretty overlooked, so hey!
posted by greermahoney at 8:08 AM on September 24 [3 favorites]

I chuckled, and I haven't "acted" since high school.
posted by the antecedent of that pronoun at 8:16 AM on September 24 [1 favorite]

Why else does community theater exist (rim shot)
posted by sammyo at 8:53 AM on September 24 [1 favorite]

Most Reluctant Standing Ovation, But Some Guy Started It So Here We All Are

I...I have lived through this experience. Multiple times.
posted by thomas j wise at 9:05 AM on September 24 [24 favorites]

I sent this to an SM friend who recently took up meditation
posted by stray at 9:09 AM on September 24

Most Questionable Acting Choice

posted by Mr. Bad Example at 9:52 AM on September 24 [3 favorites]

Best Stage Manager Who Has Recently Embraced Meditation To Keep From Murdering The Cast

it me
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:35 AM on September 24 [15 favorites]

posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:35 AM on September 24 [11 favorites]

Most Ill-Fated Hookup With The Sound Designer

to die; to sleep; no more; and by a sleep to say we end the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to

posted by adept256 at 11:03 AM on September 24 [9 favorites]

Most Fake Blood

A friend once told me a hilarious story about a stage manager who accidentally mixed latex blood packs and an oil based fog machine.
posted by peeedro at 11:26 AM on September 24 [4 favorites]

Worst Puck Monologue

I'm pretty sure that one still belongs to Mickey Rooney...
posted by jim in austin at 11:29 AM on September 24

Least Successful Musical Adaptation Of A Movie From 20 Years Ago

Our stage adaptation of The Prince of Egypt opens in 2 weeks.

posted by Phobos the Space Potato at 11:33 AM on September 24 [8 favorites]

This brings back memories of my involvement with a college theater group because (1) they had absurdly few drama majors and (2) my dorm roommate was one of them... they did Midsummer Night's Dream (in which I had three lines and wore tights as the father of one of the star-crossed lovers) and roomie probably was nominated for Worst Puck Monologue solely for his irrepressible southern accent. "What fools these mortals be, y'all."

My personal highlight was my small-but-important role as Cardinal Wolsey in A Man For All Seasons, getting one scene arguing with the lead, Sir Thomas More, before being killed offstage (symbolically tossing my cardinal's robe onto the stage then spending the rest of the evening with the set crew). I got the role because they didn't have anybody else who came close to physically matching the actor from the movie... Orson Welles. I was never more flattered to be told I was fat.
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:45 AM on September 24 [10 favorites]

Least Successful Musical Adaptation Of A Movie From 20 Years Ago

Our musical parody of Beaches was a huge success, thankyouverymuch.

Oh, that movie's almost 30 years old. Crap.

I'd like to suggest a lifetime achievement award for "Best performance by an actor friend who's really good but only appears in dreadfully long and poorly directed plays with irrationally high ticket prices, which you would avoid like the plague if you didn't feel obligated to support your friend."

I have at least two strong contenders. (At least my shows are short and you can have cocktails during the show besides, they're awesomely hilarious.)
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 12:12 PM on September 24 [2 favorites]

Actor Who Memorized The Least Amount Of Their Lines

In Agnes of God, for my Performing Arts GNVQ. I had to have prompts on post-its all over the set. In my defence I was on fairly heavy epilepsy meds at the time.
posted by HypotheticalWoman at 12:38 PM on September 24

I've worked on Ragingly Misogynist, least realistic set design, most of the ego ones. I would have liked to see "Singer who could not carry a note in a paper bag", and "Spotlight Operator that Sucked". The real fun starts when you have them both working on the same show.
posted by dfm500 at 1:03 PM on September 24 [1 favorite]

Some of these are probably why my son made the lateral career move from stage lighting to concert lighting. Plus he likes getting paid for a living.
posted by octothorpe at 1:56 PM on September 24

Most Grating Rendition of "Oh, What A Beautiful Morning."

I saw this not 15 minutes ago on an old rerun of Lawrence Welk.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:43 PM on September 24 [2 favorites]

Most Ill-Fated Hookup With The Sound Designer
As a sound designer who is currently serving on two awards panels, this is categorically not a thing that happens.*

*ew! Actors!
posted by prismatic7 at 5:18 PM on September 24 [3 favorites]

I just came home from seeing a play a friend is starring in (formerly he was in a cast I stage managed). He and his wife and I went for a drink after, and at some point I said "oh hey, there was this great thing in Medium I should send you a link to, about crazy theater awards -"

"We've seen it," they said in unison.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:47 PM on September 24 [6 favorites]

Best Meltdown Over A Crucible Costume Not Being Sexy Enough

I shudder to ask--although in dread, anticipation, or some hellish admixture of both, I can't really say--is this a thing?

Also, this infamous Peter Pan performance has to qualify for a lifetime achievement award of some sort.
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:41 AM on September 25

Oh God, this list could be endless:

White actor who spends the most amount of time complaining that they should be able to be in Hamilton, why can't they be in Hamilton?

Artistic Director most likely to write fundraising letters discussing the revolutionary potential of theater while still programming exclusively plays by white male playwrights that debuted off-Broadway 15 years ago.

Theater critic most likely to not recuse himself from reviewing plays at theaters where he has submitted scripts that have been rejected.

Theater company with largest budget that still says they can't do plays with minority actors because minority actors never audition.

Local actress most likely to attend her friend's shows and vaguely compliment friends but then say "I can't stop thinking about how I would have played the role."

Male director most likely to assume that he will be able to sleep with at least one cast member, and so far has an unbroken track record of doing so.

White male director that everybody agrees is terrible and everybody hires anyway.

God, I could do this all day.
posted by maxsparber at 9:01 AM on September 25 [7 favorites]

Elsewhere I read a rule of thumb a critic had (it can't be turned into an "award" like this, but it's related): "The quality of a musical is inversely proportionate to the number of times the chorus shouts 'HOORAY!'"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:11 AM on September 25 [1 favorite]

Do "HURRAH!" and "HUZZAH!" also count?
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:56 AM on September 25

Best Comedy Which Was Supposed To Be A Tragedy
Most Fake Blood
Most Milked Death Scene

Ooh! Ooh! I unironically nominate some guys I know who did a partially-improvised Puppet Titus Andronicus! They used silly string for fake blood! IT WAS SO GOOD YOU GUYS
posted by gusandrews at 6:07 PM on September 25 [2 favorites]

a partially-improvised Puppet Titus Andronicus

I also un-ironically am thinking "SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:37 PM on September 25 [3 favorites]

Most Fake Blood

Is that "(most fake) blood," or "most (fake blood)"?
posted by Phssthpok at 1:47 AM on September 27 [1 favorite]

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