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September 25, 2017 6:00 PM

casting call woes
posted by spamandkimchi (54 comments total)

ok ONE ENTRY IN and I am already furious

why don't you just generate a Sim and composite it in the shot, you human fedora
posted by Countess Elena at 6:02 PM on September 25, 2017 [56 favorites]

This is why I stopped pursuing an acting career. It's also why I stopped teaching acting to college students who wanted to pursue acting careers. Blargh
posted by songs_about_rainbows at 6:06 PM on September 25, 2017 [4 favorites]

Oh yeah man, casting is how the sausage is made. You don't want to know how the sausage is made.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 6:12 PM on September 25, 2017 [9 favorites]

Wouldn't a teenaged mouse be like a thousand years old in mouse years?
posted by XMLicious at 6:28 PM on September 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

Casting call whoas.
posted by Oyéah at 6:34 PM on September 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

Metafilter: the Meryl Streep of stunt corpses
posted by Harvey Kilobit at 6:34 PM on September 25, 2017 [5 favorites]

MANIPULATIVE CLEAVAGE ffs
posted by agregoli at 6:36 PM on September 25, 2017 [9 favorites]

Related: castandloose

They also do live shows where they do dramatic readings of this shit.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:37 PM on September 25, 2017 [3 favorites]

MANIPULATIVE CLEAVAGE ffs

Presumably the cleavage does a card trick.
posted by Western Infidels at 6:55 PM on September 25, 2017 [13 favorites]

"She doesn't need a name nor an identity..."

I've never before seen the concept of female interchangeability so blatantly spelled out. And yet I'm 0% surprised at this.
posted by Knowyournuts at 6:57 PM on September 25, 2017 [30 favorites]

Oh yeah man, casting is how the sausage is made. You don't want to know how the sausage is made.

Except once sausage is made you have something delicious, and once these movies are made you just have... exactly what we have now. The outcome doesn’t exactly hide what goes into it.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 7:01 PM on September 25, 2017 [14 favorites]

"Illogically beautiful" Wtf
posted by Room 641-A at 7:34 PM on September 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

you human fedora

I flagged this as fantastic.
posted by curious nu at 7:56 PM on September 25, 2017 [23 favorites]

And they pay women less to put up with this shit!
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 8:00 PM on September 25, 2017 [3 favorites]

Wow, these are so amazingly terrible.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:08 PM on September 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'll do the older maid. If the paycheck and exposure's right, I will cross dress. The beard stays though.

No issue with topless. Will go bottomless if the pathos of the scene requires it.
posted by Samizdata at 8:11 PM on September 25, 2017 [24 favorites]

"olderish female (18+)"

"very old female ghost who appears to be 28-32"

"females applying for this role must be between 18-25. Males can be much older."
posted by zakur at 8:12 PM on September 25, 2017 [26 favorites]

illogically beautiful
also she is Spock's love interest

brings an incredible weight to every room she is in
because she is a really dedicated weightlifter
posted by allegedly at 8:29 PM on September 25, 2017 [22 favorites]

They sure do kill a lot of women, don't they?
posted by Thorzdad at 8:33 PM on September 25, 2017 [3 favorites]

Most of these are pretty bad, but "Your role would be to keep the crowd lively while people are eating sheep testicles" has potential.
posted by thefoxgod at 9:29 PM on September 25, 2017 [14 favorites]

The twist is that these are all casting calls for the final season of Game of Thrones.
posted by ejs at 10:07 PM on September 25, 2017 [4 favorites]

St. Peepsburg
Female, 35-40

Fingernails that shine like justice

That is all.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:18 PM on September 25, 2017 [14 favorites]

Oh wait this ones good:

She gets a couple of lines, a light-hearted orgy scene & then gets kicked through a window.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:20 PM on September 25, 2017 [14 favorites]

ok im ready for vengeance cannibalism
posted by poffin boffin at 10:33 PM on September 25, 2017 [19 favorites]

Wow. Those are literally "Do it for the exposure."
posted by happyroach at 11:32 PM on September 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

The best way to keep up with this craziness is by following ProResting on Twitter.

Here's my one of my favourites:

slender, beautiful, and dead; actress will lie on an examination table and be the best dead person she can be; need to be the Meryl Streep of stunt corpses; nudity, but will be draped in kelp, covered in sand, and festooned by the occasional crab (not live).

posted by urbanwhaleshark at 12:54 AM on September 26, 2017 [5 favorites]

Favourite: Haley grows huge breasts after being enchanted by a witch. Although she enjoys it at the beginning, her big breasts turn into big testicles. She is troubled but finds out that there are more important things that just a great appearance.
posted by elgilito at 1:45 AM on September 26, 2017

Welp, we had a good run. I'll start pouring the gasoline while you go grab the torches.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:11 AM on September 26, 2017 [5 favorites]

I find these infuriatingly boring. They're virtually all some variation of "young, naked, not bitchy, silent, ends up dead".

Do the worst of the male casting calls have anything similar?
posted by GhostintheMachine at 3:30 AM on September 26, 2017 [4 favorites]

I think the one that offered "a small bag of coffee" by way of remuneration was way up there. Perhaps a normal sized bag was in the original budget but they got downscaled?

I'm also curious as to who actually writes these casting calls? Maybe I'm naive, but they seem to be far to poor to have been put together by anybody who could contemplate making a living as a screenwriter or director. If we go along with "don't ask how the sausage gets made" - then is there any chance in hell that any of these could lead to a finished product that isn't rancid?
posted by rongorongo at 3:57 AM on September 26, 2017

What? And give up show business?
posted by briank at 4:47 AM on September 26, 2017 [9 favorites]

I find these infuriatingly boring. They're virtually all some variation of "young, naked, not bitchy, silent, ends up dead".

Reminds me of something an ex said to me the one time we were surfing channels and stumbled upon the first few minutes of a Criminal Minds episode:

“You basically never want to be a woman of any kind in a cold open for any kind of a crime/drama. 99.9% chance of rape/assault/violence/torture/murder/kidnapping. Watch.”

And then 2 minutes later, a beautiful woman was strangled to death.

These are exactly as terrible as I predicted they would be. *sighs*
posted by Fizz at 4:48 AM on September 26, 2017 [14 favorites]

Love this post, thanks. This is only semi-related, but for years i've been looking for a mefi post which discussed a video, where unsuspecting actors at a casting call were told to say the word "boom" in various and increasingly ridiculous styles/mannerisms. It was kind of funny, and I’d love to find it again. Googling occasionally over the years has failed to find it. Sorry for the derail, but does this ring a bell to anyone?
posted by kev23f at 4:52 AM on September 26, 2017

Seriously, who are these people? Send them a beginner's guide to Skyrim mods and the amazing ability to wank in private.
posted by lucidium at 5:16 AM on September 26, 2017 [2 favorites]

It’s this sort of ridiculousness that caused me to abandon any sort of Hollywood product years ago. I don’t understand why anyone who’s not a privileged white male even pays attention to this industry — these casting calls basically reflect that singular worldview.

And yet, nonwhites, women, still validate it, defend it, get excited about a Joss Whedon script, watch a movie because Mark Wahlberg, Mel Gibson or Matt Damon are in it, worship Woody Allen and Roman Polanski as auteurs, laugh at Sasha Baron Cohen’s jokes, hold Reese Witherspoon or Emma Stone or Scarlett Johansson as feminine ideals… Odious people, all of them. I’m ashamed I even know these names.
posted by Borborygmus at 5:43 AM on September 26, 2017 [4 favorites]

Question: Does Jane's Manipulative Cleavage come before or after Jane's Addiction?
posted by tommasz at 6:05 AM on September 26, 2017 [2 favorites]

Perky boobed teenage mouse

The more I look at these words, the less sense they make.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:11 AM on September 26, 2017 [4 favorites]

MANIPULATIVE CLEAVAGE ffs

Dunno what kind of ship an ffs is but I think I remember meeting GCU Manipulative Cleavage out towards the magellanics?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:12 AM on September 26, 2017 [17 favorites]

Perky boobed teenage mouse

The more I look at these words, the less sense they make.

You need to watch more anime. This makes perfect sense to me.

Perfect. Awful. Nightmarish. Sense.
posted by Fizz at 6:16 AM on September 26, 2017 [5 favorites]

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
posted by Caduceus at 6:22 AM on September 26, 2017 [1 favorite]

It has always been very concerning to me how the casting must go for children who will be bullied, ridiculed, abused etc. I can't imagine subjecting a child to that process.
posted by lextex at 6:30 AM on September 26, 2017

Jane's Manipulative Cleavage

I think it's one of the magazines that Tyler Durden reads aloud while cycling around the house on Paper Street. "I am Joe's prostate. I get cancer, I kill Joe... I am Jane's Manipulative Cleavage..."
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 7:19 AM on September 26, 2017 [5 favorites]

Perky boobed teenage mouse

The more I look at these words, the less sense they make.

Sounds like someone hasn't seen The Great Mouse Detective! Mouse Watson really gets into the mouse stripper.
posted by betweenthebars at 7:35 AM on September 26, 2017 [3 favorites]

Yes, but the mouse stripper is adult.
posted by Karmakaze at 7:56 AM on September 26, 2017 [2 favorites]

Isn't that vehemence misdirected? The casting industry isn't creating these roles. Producers, studios, and ad agencies are.
posted by ardgedee at 9:59 AM on September 26, 2017

Its tines have cleavage and the whole tool can manipulate things.

If you set this against a backdrop of lovely palm trees this would make a horrible/great casting woe.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 10:08 AM on September 26, 2017

A beautiful corpse that tantalizes Steve into submitting himself to his fetish.

A female character with agency!
posted by Emmy Rae at 11:16 AM on September 26, 2017 [3 favorites]

Dunno what kind of ship an ffs is but I think I remember meeting GCU Manipulative Cleavage out towards the magellanics?

I picture it as more of an Affronter ship name. Maybe after variations on the theme of "sexual relations with weapons" cease to be shocking for their neighbors.
posted by Thalience at 11:19 AM on September 26, 2017

Very, very few of these are for any "Hollywood product". No producer is going to pay a SAG day rate for the Meryl Streep of corpses.
Here's the original listing for Jane's manipulative cleavage. It was for a pilot based on The Fame Game made by a company that makes YouTube videos.
The casting sheet for the role of Geeta. "is an Indie, Self-funded Comedy Feature Film looking to fill key Supporting Roles for an April 2017 start date, looking for experienced and local talent based in Leeds, West Yorkshire."
posted by Ideefixe at 11:30 AM on September 26, 2017 [3 favorites]

Back when CD-ROMs were hi-tech I worked on an easy to use casting database app.
The project brought to light many conflicts between the actors we tried to gather data from and the casting directors who were the users.

Actors don't want to give their age, but all casting directors want to search by age. Sometimes they even need exact age because of labour laws.

Men don't want to give their height. Sometimes this is really important (big monster, small Lannister, existing expensive sfx costume). Often they lie.

Women don't want to give their weight. Casting directors want weight, because they might have a script calling for a plump 50 year old waitress or a skinny crack addict.

Actors lie so much about skills it makes the data useless and presents horrible safety problems e.g. when they turn up on set and can't actually swim/ride a horse/ride a motorcycle or whatever.
posted by w0mbat at 12:23 PM on September 26, 2017 [4 favorites]

The project brought to light many conflicts between the actors we tried to gather data from and the casting directors who were the users.

Of course, they wouldn't have such rampant dishonesty from actors trying to get parts if the entertainment industry was willing to cast people outside of a narrow range. How often does it matter if a waitress is plump or not?
posted by Emmy Rae at 1:03 PM on September 26, 2017 [12 favorites]

Starlee Kine, on her Mystery Show podcast, dedicated a whole show (and who knows how many hours of her own time) to investigating the actual height of Jake Gyllenhaal. I thought it was creepy and couldn't finish listening. Plus, I understood that Gyllenhaal was under pressure to keep it under wraps. I used to hear it said that most film actors are unusually short men in person, and actresses are unusually tall. Whether this is statistically true or not, I couldn't say, but since lead actresses are expected to look like more or less like models, I would be inclined to believe that much at least.
posted by Countess Elena at 1:17 PM on September 26, 2017 [1 favorite]

There's a recurring theme that pops up in castandloose, where they list every imaginable ethnicity except Black, hoping the long list will make it look less horrible than if they just said, "No Black People."

And age ranges like "40-90." Like, once you get that first wrinkle you're automatically indistinguishable from a dried apple doll.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 2:11 PM on September 26, 2017 [9 favorites]

It's a toss up which is my favorite character description. "There's something unnerving about her. Maybe she's just read too many books" and "though... Zombie Cheerleader #1 is far along in the decomposition process, this doesn't stop her from flaunting what she got".

I appreciate castingcallwoe's "Miss L" and castandloose for bearing and sharing the truly horrific ones. From a 2015 essay by Miss L:

it’s worrying, as an actor, when your working life depends on casting calls such as… “Must be willing to have a condom filled with condensed milk thrown at her face”; “She must be enough of a visual aesthetic to be believably the prey of a stalker”; “You’d be scantily clad, stripped, washed down, wrapped in cling film and then killed”.

Yet we put up with it. We grit our teeth and endure. Because, what can be finer than answering that dreaded question with…

“Why yes, I am working on something. Let me tell you about my new role as a rubber duck…”

posted by spamandkimchi at 3:22 PM on September 26, 2017 [3 favorites]