Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And he's dead.
October 5, 2017 10:02 AM   Subscribe

 
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posted by drezdn at 10:05 AM on October 5 [5 favorites]


It's hard to understand
posted by thelonius at 10:08 AM on October 5


That is not dead which can eternal lie.
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:09 AM on October 5 [23 favorites]


The bone collecting period of the crusades was so weird.
posted by drezdn at 10:10 AM on October 5 [5 favorites]


He was so popular, according to History.com, that he survived the Protestant Reformation, “when the veneration of saints began to be discouraged.”

I've never considered the concept of Santa Claus from the perspective the Protestant Reformation before. Super cool! Thanks for the post.
posted by Groundhog Week at 10:12 AM on October 5 [3 favorites]


As I told a friend last night, every time someone comes into my office to complain about something, or to present me with a problem, or to bring something petty to my attention, I'm going to respond with a straight-faced "None of that matters. Santa is dead." Repeatedly. Until they leave.

"None of that matters. Santa is dead."

"Uh, okay, but what about _____?"

"None of that matters. Santa is dead."

"All riiiight, are you okay?"

"None of that matters. Santa is dead."

There is bliss in my future.
posted by mudpuppie at 10:12 AM on October 5 [19 favorites]


The war on Christmas is over. We won.
posted by monospace at 10:12 AM on October 5 [57 favorites]


Fuck you, 2017
posted by Atom Eyes at 10:14 AM on October 5 [24 favorites]


Chirstmastime is for giving,
St. Nick feasts on the living,
A beautiful sight, but take care at night,
Walking in a Winter Zombieland
posted by stevis23 at 10:16 AM on October 5 [9 favorites]


Man. While I knew of course the person Santa is based on was dead (if he existed at all) it's a testament to the world today that I literally -- at the age of 45 -- got a lump in my throat about this.

Sadness everywhere this week. And last week. And the one before...
posted by kimberussell at 10:16 AM on October 5 [2 favorites]


No, no, it's just one of his helpers that is dead.
posted by bondcliff at 10:19 AM on October 5 [13 favorites]


Then how do you explain all this mail delivered to him!
posted by He Is Only The Imposter at 10:20 AM on October 5 [3 favorites]


We raised my son knowing there's no Santa, but reinforcing that it's okay for other kids to believe. He did believe in the tooth fairy for a while though (God, I hope SHE's doing okay).
posted by rikschell at 10:23 AM on October 5 [5 favorites]


“Yes, Virginia, Santa Claus is dead.”
posted by Fizz at 10:25 AM on October 5 [2 favorites]


He's making a list
He's checking it twice
He lurks on the threshold
A gift-spawning geist
posted by cortex at 10:26 AM on October 5 [22 favorites]


Cleve R. Wootson Jr.

is an anagram of Jowl Vest Coroner

coincidence? I think not.
posted by chavenet at 10:26 AM on October 5 [7 favorites]


Oh god, who's going to tell Will Ferrell?
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 10:28 AM on October 5 [9 favorites]


Given the ridiculous speeds he would have to generate to deliver presents to all good children around the world in a night, not to mention the information processing that would go into a task like that, I think it's reasonable to assume that Santa is not dead as such, but is in fact aestivating until the background temperature of the universe cools to a level that would enable him to make the best use of his energy resources.
posted by Naberius at 10:32 AM on October 5 [10 favorites]


Are the 6-8 black men free now?
posted by MtDewd at 10:33 AM on October 5 [9 favorites]


A small, tasteful plaque reading "Inhumed, J. Teatime" was also uncovered at the site.
posted by Wolfdog at 10:34 AM on October 5 [16 favorites]


I wonder if there's a curse on anybody who opens the tomb...
posted by Sing Or Swim at 10:35 AM on October 5


But Krampus soldiers on and watches you while you poop and do your embarrassing grooming rituals.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:35 AM on October 5 [1 favorite]


We raised my son knowing there's no Santa, but reinforcing that it's okay for other kids to believe. He did believe in the tooth fairy for a while though

I was very young myself but still remember very vividly the moment when my younger brother put 2 and 2 together and realized that if Santa Claus wasn't real, that meant the Easter Bunny wasn't either. His "Oh man!" was so spot-on hilarious if he was a television sitcom kid, you'd think he was overacting.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:36 AM on October 5 [3 favorites]


White on red fuzzy fur-lined suit
Back on the sled
Santa Claus is dead
The elves have left the workshop
The reindeer have been fed
Red velvet lines the black box

Santa Claus is dead
Santa Claus is dead
Undead undead undead
Undead undead undead
posted by SansPoint at 10:36 AM on October 5 [19 favorites]


Sigh. Kids read the Internet, you know? Aren't there a bunch of parents out there wishing this wasn't quite such ubiquitous news?
posted by amtho at 10:38 AM on October 5


Kids need a hard lesson in supply chains anyway.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:39 AM on October 5 [15 favorites]


And Franco?
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:41 AM on October 5 [5 favorites]


Santa had to learn the hard way that Gobots are not an acceptable substitute.
posted by logicpunk at 10:46 AM on October 5 [11 favorites]


But archaeologists say pilgrims to the Basilica di San Nicola are praying to the wrong guy. The bones belong to another local priest, not one of the most famous saints, the Telegraph reported.

Archeologists are as bad as older siblings, we discover.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:51 AM on October 5 [2 favorites]


My kids are riiiiiiiiight on the verge of not believing in Santa anymore but when they were young and impressionable we SAW SANTA on his motorcycle on the interstate so they're holding out longer than I'd hoped!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:54 AM on October 5 [7 favorites]


it's like they never even heard of a tulpa
posted by robocop is bleeding at 10:56 AM on October 5 [8 favorites]


All I want is some peace of mind

With a little love I'm trying to find

This could be such a beautiful world

With a wonderful girl

Ooh I need a woman child

Don't wanna be like Santa now
'
Cause Santa's dead.

(with apologies to C. Mayfield)
posted by the sobsister at 11:01 AM on October 5


Are the 6-8 black men free now?

For those who've never read it, David Sedaris's Six to Eight Black Men.
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:02 AM on October 5 [9 favorites]


(with apologies to C. Mayfield)

ahem!
posted by thelonius at 11:07 AM on October 5 [1 favorite]


I'm not surprised given his unsustainable business model.
posted by tommasz at 11:23 AM on October 5 [1 favorite]


Burhanistan: Kids need a hard lesson in supply chains anyway.

I've told my daughter that I think that the North Pole Organization probably sources in China and fulfills via Amazon anyway. On all those Christmas specials, you see elves making dolls, wooden trains, and other 18th century toys; there's no way they can be soldering Xboxes and iPads.
posted by dr_dank at 11:33 AM on October 5


St. Nicholas ≠ Santa Claus. The former had no connection to the North Pole, reindeer, elves or the usual Santa mythos, let alone the bestowing of consumer goods.
posted by acb at 11:40 AM on October 5 [1 favorite]


For those who've never read it, David Sedaris's Six to Eight Black Men.

If you don't want to read it, here's David Sedaris reading it in front of a dutch crowd.
posted by Pendragon at 11:48 AM on October 5 [4 favorites]


I mean, I don't want to take credit for this, but...
posted by uncleozzy at 12:04 PM on October 5 [3 favorites]




And Franco?

In Spain we got our presents on January 6 from the Three Wise Men/ Los Reyes Magos. Who of course have their bones preserved in the cathedral of Cologne, Germany.

So, eh, whatever. We're used to get presents from undead lich kings because Catholicism is like that.
posted by sukeban at 12:23 PM on October 5 [5 favorites]


I mean, I don't want to take credit for this, but...
Unbelievable. My brain just made a sound like a broken fax machine. Good job!
posted by lkc at 12:32 PM on October 5 [1 favorite]


"That's what I said." — Curtis Mayfield.
posted by Flexagon at 12:33 PM on October 5


Santa is dead! Long live Santa!
posted by cjorgensen at 12:42 PM on October 5


> Are the 6-8 black men free now?

David Sedaris - Six To Eight Black Men

I had to google this one.
posted by cjorgensen at 12:45 PM on October 5


St. Nicholas ≠ Santa Claus.

Quite. The modern American Santa Claus is essentially a secular Jesus, largely the creation of advertisers and songwriters, very few of whom were even a little bit Christian, as a way for non-Christians and not-especially-Christians to participate in (and capitalize on) Christmas without having to actually worship some dumb baby. Good!
posted by Sys Rq at 12:52 PM on October 5 [1 favorite]


The Tomb of Saint Nicholas is a Monte Hall style module suitable for four adventurers level 6-8.
posted by FatherDagon at 1:15 PM on October 5 [8 favorites]


other people dead: bela legosi, god, god's not
posted by dismas at 1:19 PM on October 5 [2 favorites]


Santa Claus didn't become Jesus until he reached Japan.
posted by acb at 1:21 PM on October 5


If they open the tomb and it's empty, are they going to say Santa's still alive after all?

If the tomb's not empty, I'm hoping for the bones of a woman who lived secretly as a man her whole life. Or if that's not in the roll of the bones, then the skeleton of a giant or a dwarf. Either eight feet tall or two feet tall. Or both. Maybe giant Santa buried with his elves and deer and a massive fuck-off sleigh like a Chinese emperor. Or a guy in a red suit saying "Where the hell have you guys been? I'm putting this down as naughty."
posted by pracowity at 1:43 PM on October 5


The bone collecting period of the crusades was so weird.

My absolute favorite version of this is the people who think that when the Venetians recovered the body of St. Mark from Alexandria (itself kind of a wacky story) they actually plundered the Tomb of Alexander the Great, so the body currently interred in St. Mark's in Venice is actually Alexander's.

It's not totally implausible, and I very much Want to Believe.
posted by Copronymus at 1:52 PM on October 5 [3 favorites]


The Smothers Brothers have known for years.
posted by rikschell at 2:12 PM on October 5 [2 favorites]


"If they open the tomb and it's empty, are they going to say Santa's still alive after all?"

No, just that he was successfully absconded with to Ireland.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:29 PM on October 5 [1 favorite]


Sorry, thelonious! Missed your pithier CM shout-out up top.
posted by the sobsister at 2:43 PM on October 5


The modern American Santa Claus is essentially a secular Jesus, largely the creation of advertisers and songwriters, very few of whom were even a little bit Christian,

This is basically true of the modern American Jesus as well.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 4:06 PM on October 5 [7 favorites]


fake news, sad
posted by randomkeystrike at 7:16 PM on October 5


As long as we are debunking myths here, Nicholas probably did not punch Arius in the face during the Council of Nicea.
posted by dannyboybell at 7:24 PM on October 5 [1 favorite]


Nicholas probably did not punch Arius in the face during the Council of Nicea.

"Sorry, I thought I heard you say you were Aryan" - Santifa
posted by Harvey Kilobit at 8:45 PM on October 5 [1 favorite]


As long as we are debunking myths here, Nicholas probably did not punch Arius in the face during the Council of Nicea.

I roll to disbelieve.
posted by Copronymus at 8:46 PM on October 5


I'm pretty sure Nicholas picked him off with a few shots from a Nerf blaster under the table in some dusty cantina.
posted by sebastienbailard at 10:02 PM on October 5


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