Sex and the Latter-day Saint
October 27, 2017 1:00 PM   Subscribe

The Missionary Positions (NSFW-ish)

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posted by bonehead (20 comments total) 26 users marked this as a favorite


 
Thank you for this. Thank you so much.
posted by kinnakeet at 1:24 PM on October 27, 2017 [2 favorites]


I am laughing so hard at this. Not in a mean-spirited way (I have a soft spot for the missionaries, they are always so polite and earnest) but as a project this is really well done and funny.
posted by Dip Flash at 2:04 PM on October 27, 2017 [3 favorites]


Soundtrack for the thread (also NSFWish, naked statues), courtesy of the new Sparks album.
posted by Strange Interlude at 2:06 PM on October 27, 2017 [1 favorite]


I learned a lot.
posted by Segundus at 2:28 PM on October 27, 2017 [2 favorites]


It's so beautiful. *wipes tear*
posted by elsietheeel at 2:30 PM on October 27, 2017


Saw a Mormon missionary crash his bike once. Raised quite a bit of desert dust. I felt really about laughing at it. He was alright, but that white shirt took a beating.

(Spent just under a decade in rural Utah. Grew fond of many of the people there, but it sure is one messed up culture in a lot of ways.)
posted by metagnathous at 2:37 PM on October 27, 2017 [1 favorite]


When I was living in Salt Lake (second time that's come up today, weird), a looong time ago, the a friend who was the former head of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance, and a former Mormon, reported that something like 40% of the missionaries were coming back gay. This was before the length of time missionaries spent with the same partner was shortened from 2 years to 6 months.
posted by emmet at 3:00 PM on October 27, 2017 [18 favorites]


Okay, I admit the position involving the bicycle made me chuckle.
posted by grimjeer at 3:26 PM on October 27, 2017 [5 favorites]


We saw a couple of missionaries in Moorea, Tahiti. At first we assumed they must have been very, very special to get assigned to such a beautiful place, but then they rode past us in their wool suits and we quickly concluded they must have been very, very bad.
posted by Room 641-A at 4:01 PM on October 27, 2017 [6 favorites]


Fun fact: Mormon missionaries can get special easy-to-clean and durable suits so don't necessarily ascribe normal formal attire woes to them.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 4:27 PM on October 27, 2017 [9 favorites]


Strange Interlude: Damn it, you beat me to it!
posted by SansPoint at 4:28 PM on October 27, 2017


They also are allowed to wear short sleeved shirts in hot climates!
posted by elsietheeel at 4:42 PM on October 27, 2017 [2 favorites]


Well, HELLO!
posted by Quasimike at 5:11 PM on October 27, 2017 [4 favorites]


Those are some limber missionaries. Bless them.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 5:19 PM on October 27, 2017 [6 favorites]


special easy-to-clean and durable suits

Oh no! My desire for functional, but dressy, clothing is butting up against my desire to not support the LDS Church in any way and my general revulsion over mission work!

Fortunately, I can always rely on plain old sloth to help me make the right decision.
posted by Panjandrum at 2:11 AM on October 28, 2017 [6 favorites]


Oh no! My desire for functional, but dressy, clothing is butting up against my desire to not support the LDS Church in any way and my general revulsion over mission work!

They don't have blanket patents on the technology to make sharp-looking yet durable and functional suits, do they?
posted by acb at 5:47 AM on October 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


It's a trip to drive through Utah, especially as you approach SLC and see all the billboards advertising specifically to those on their way to the Missionary Training Center (MTC) - SO MANY SUITS. Weirdly, even though the LDS leadership tries to pretend they value women for more than their wombs and that women's missionary service is as important as the men, I've never seen billboards directed at their MTC concerns.

reported that something like 40% of the missionaries were coming back gay
They weren't coming back gay, they went in gay and some found their partner in their partner heh. But I just want to make the point that bishops and stake presidents and and and all the way up to the 12 apostles for sure have convinced gay people (especially men) to go on a mission, go to BYU, and in years past - marry a woman who likely wouldn't get a RM (return missionary) on her own "merits" (ugh I hate the culture around all this). Mission work is a big part of pray the gay away. They also have gotten "better" at pairing homophobic bullies with gay missionaries to make sure the mission president hears every detail of their sins.

Another common thing on missions? Especially when they're sent to places less wealthy than the US, especially south of our border and through South America? Missionaries getting quickly reassigned as they race the police to the plane and out of the country when one of the 14yr olds they were "teaching" ends up pregnant. There are pretty strong rumors that in some cases at least, the mission presidency pays for the abortion or encourages the parents to put the child's child up for adoption in the LDS specific adoption agency. These missionaries often finish out their mission with good merits and a 'just so' story about the reassignment.

Anyway, never forget when you are encountered by a missionary they are likely starving, terrified, lonely, depressed, possibly bullied, maybe gay, maybe a rapist, and are being shoved through a system of toxic masculinity just trying to survive the 24 months until they can start their lives again. Oh, and the church - who could pay for all of these missions EASILY - bankrupts families to treat their kids this way.

....And really we only barely touched on the issues inherent to the women missionaries. Next time maybe.

The photo set is cute and made me giggle.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 9:38 AM on October 28, 2017 [26 favorites]


If I could favorite a comment more than once I would. And I'd love to hear more about sister missionaries.
posted by elsietheeel at 9:43 AM on October 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


sharp-looking yet durable and functional suits
As no such creature has been shown, I assume no one has such a patent.
posted by uberchet at 11:32 AM on October 31, 2017 [1 favorite]


All these suits still sound like they'd be hot as heck to cycle around the South Pacific.
posted by Room 641-A at 11:41 AM on October 31, 2017


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