Strange New Worlds
November 3, 2017 11:27 AM   Subscribe

 
What? None of MeFi's Own authors? I wanna hear what jscalzi and cstross (and the lesser known rakdaddy) have to suggest to Trek.
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:44 AM on November 3 [5 favorites]


What I'd love to see Discovery do, at some point, is tell the story of one or two of these grunts. Not the redshirts. I'm talking about the man responsible for maintaining the toilets

Didn't the Enterprise-D have only one bathroom? I mean, whoever is in charge of maintenance of that becomes the most important person one the ship.
posted by nubs at 11:44 AM on November 3 [4 favorites]


The Lower Decks thing is a popular idea, but what I really want is that but focused entirely on Cetacean Ops and the rich tapestry of workplace friendships and interpersonal struggles in a department that's half dolphins.
posted by Copronymus at 11:44 AM on November 3 [27 favorites]


I think maybe I would go for "Star Trek: Assimilation", where the Federation gets over it's heeby jeebies about transhuman technology and gets Borged up, leading to something more Culture-like. of course a bigger gap between them and the civilizations they habitually deal with is going to lead to some differences of opinions over that whole "Prime Directive" thing, and you're going to have some factions willing to go further than others.
posted by Artw at 11:45 AM on November 3 [9 favorites]


Copronymus - someone has been going in for a deep reading of the technical manual, I see.
posted by Artw at 11:46 AM on November 3 [9 favorites]


Here is my suggestion, which would be novel but I think more in line with the traditional strengths and styles of Star Trek:

Star Trek: Judge Advocates. It's a legal procedural, one case per episode, about the problems that arise in governing the Federation and especially Starfleet with a liberal system of law and regulation. The possibilities are endless: the rights of transporter clones, refugees from repressive systems, the application of Klingon law on Starfleet vessels, redress for those harmed by the Federation, Starfleet labor issues, conflict between civilian and Starfleet authorities, worldly governments dealing with god-like powers, etc.

The courtroom episodes of other Star Trek series are traditionally among the best. It's a great format that I think is still rich in possibilities.

© 2017 grobstein, all rights reserved (except any licenses granted to Metafilter by virtue of posting). This 2017 claim is without prejudice to any earlier claims I might have on the same material. Fuck you, pay me.
posted by grobstein at 11:46 AM on November 3 [52 favorites]


Copronymus, find David Brin's Startide Rising for some exploration of what happens when you have a starship with dolphins on it.
posted by nubs at 11:48 AM on November 3 [8 favorites]


I’ve said it before but I still want to write / listen to Federation Public Radio
posted by thecaddy at 11:48 AM on November 3 [25 favorites]


Someone at the bottom of the food chain, slowly rising through the ranks, becoming the most experienced officer on board and knowing every nook and cranny of a particular ship. I'm much more interested in that than I am the travails of yet another Starfleet captain.

Agreed. The same problems and politics happen below deck, but with a loss of agency over the big picture. Things happen and they have no control over them. Everyone is both a colleague and a potential rival. An Upstairs/Downstairs dynamic. Red alerts sound just as someone is sipping their coffee, or getting it on.

Intergalactic office politics. The nitty gritty of making the Federation a living, working thing. It's been hinted at a few times, and those were tantalizing glimpses.

So either a below decks thing, or a Starfleet Academy thing, which would have the same elements but with a Breaker High in Space feel.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:49 AM on November 3 [5 favorites]


I wanna hear what jscalzi... have to suggest to Trek.

I think it's pretty safe to say that we have at least one of his takes on that universe already.
posted by bonehead at 11:51 AM on November 3 [11 favorites]


Pretty sure all the ships must have compost toilets. I just assume that's standard for intergalactic travel. They probably just have some sort of transporter system set up so that when you 'flush' a tiny transporter activates and the contents of the toilet end up in a different part of the ship.
posted by aniola at 11:51 AM on November 3 [2 favorites]


Star Trek Continues has already done an episode on Star Trek: The Vulcan Revolution.
posted by fings at 11:53 AM on November 3 [5 favorites]


I always figured that the toilets just went straight into the food replicator feedstock stream. It's just matter to arrange and rearrange.
posted by bonehead at 11:53 AM on November 3 [9 favorites]


/pitches episode where the transporter buffer used just for poop overflows.
posted by Artw at 11:54 AM on November 3 [7 favorites]


Thinking it over, I just want a series starring Vash.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:54 AM on November 3 [9 favorites]


I’ve said it before but I still want to write / listen to Federation Public Radio

This Vulcan Life

Spaceship Talk (We are Warp and Drive, the Reactor Core brothers)

A Ferengi Home Companion
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 11:54 AM on November 3 [46 favorites]


The compost pile gives off waste heat, but I assume engineering provides most of the heat for the whole ship, and the compost heat is negligible by comparison.
posted by aniola at 11:55 AM on November 3


the transporter buffer used just for poop overflows.

Good point. When someone new beams on board, they need to get the matter to make the body from somewhere.
posted by bonehead at 11:56 AM on November 3 [6 favorites]


I’ve said it before but I still want to write / listen to Federation Public Radio

It's been a quiet week in Lake DaH-bIropmo'-jagh. Anne Bjornson's shuttle landed just behind the coffee shop she has been running since she was a teen -- since Grandma Bjornson was assimilated by the Borg and nobody's seen her since -- but the shuttle didn't land quite as expected.

She opened the hatch, and found the shuttle was resting on something unlike ground. Entirely not the ground, in fact, nothing of the ground supported the landing gear whatsoever. Her eyes saw an undulating, pulsating mat of fur.

"Tribbles...here?" She wondered, out loud, which was responded to by a Ra'tar squawk, from somewhere down the street, probably the Golana melon tree in Art Johnsrud's back yard.

Her eyes followed the purring, squeaky mass from the landing gear...to the driveway...to the slightly ajar door of her Grandma's coffee shop. The layer of tribbles extended well beyond what she could see from the shuttle gangway, deep inside the building.

"Oh, no!" She thought to herself. It would be weeks before the next Talarian freighter would be near their small moon, bringing its overflowing load of Bajoran candies, Romulan ale, and her treasured coffee beans.
posted by AzraelBrown at 11:58 AM on November 3 [13 favorites]


oneswellfoop: I am not a Star Trek fan. In fact, I bailed halfway through the first TV airing of the trailer for ST:TNG because it was setting my teeth on edge. (I can just about cope with original series Trek and I liked Galaxy Quest, but anything since about 1980 is just painful.)

Similarly, Star Wars is dead to me, ever since it turned out that Ewoks are not larval Wookies.
posted by cstross at 11:59 AM on November 3 [20 favorites]


Star Trek: Section 31 would be my pitch; I think an examination of a shadowy black-ops organization that has little or no oversight acting to try to further the "ideals" of the Federation could provide a lot of rich storylines to mine with some parallels to the socio-political times in which we find ourselves.
posted by nubs at 12:03 PM on November 3 [13 favorites]


Pretty sure all the ships must have compost toilets.

From TFA:

Who makes sure there's enough supplies for taco day at the employee cafeteria?

Look I love you Charles Yu, but they can transmute matter. It's been in the show since day 1. The shit goes into the matter tanks, the replicators make whatever the hell you want. It's a post-scarcity economy, at least inside Federation ships.

Now, why there's still poverty, squalor and Ferengi is the real question.
posted by GuyZero at 12:03 PM on November 3 [5 favorites]


The writer I'd most want to see to a ST novel sublimed a few years ago.

Of course, Banks would have likely made the Federation the antagonists, what with their primitive bigotry against body morphs and their humanocentric enslavement and/or repeated attempts to genocide and/or ethnically cleanse non-organic intelligences.
posted by bonehead at 12:04 PM on November 3 [8 favorites]


Copronymus, find David Brin's Startide Rising for some exploration of what happens when you have a starship with dolphins on it.

I spent years of my childhood looking for that book. I read half of it, had to return it to the library, and promptly forgot the author and title. Every time we were near a new library I'd go in and excitedly describe half remembered plot details and what the cover looked like, to no avail. I know it's generally well regarded, but when I finally did find it, I hated it. I assume it was partially too high expectations and partially starting to age out of my childhood marine biology phase, but man, I was so disappointed.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 12:05 PM on November 3 [1 favorite]


Star Trek: MP. A half-hour spinoff series about the poor military police stationed on the Enterprise, and their unending quest to actually catch Commander Riker in the act of defiling the holodeck or sparking an intergalactic incident by getting a little too close to the buxom diplomat in her quarters. One part buddy-cop, one part police procedural, one part Riker-swinging-his-leg-over-the-edge-of-the-command-chair.

Call me, Hollywood.
posted by Mayor West at 12:06 PM on November 3 [10 favorites]


They'd endlessly be taking swabs from the backs of chairs.
posted by Artw at 12:09 PM on November 3 [9 favorites]


Star Trek: Judge Advocates.
This reminds me of a short-lived show called Century City, which had Viola Davis as a lawyer in a firm that handled precedent-setting cases in the near future.
posted by xyzzy at 12:12 PM on November 3 [4 favorites]


their unending quest to actually catch Commander Riker in the act of defiling the holodeck or sparking an intergalactic incident by getting a little too close to the buxom diplomat in her quarters

Look, Riker was a philanderer but he was able to control himself - c.f. The Perfect Mate (which is problematic in many ways, but Riker is able to restrain himself enough to get to the holodeck for defiling)
posted by nubs at 12:12 PM on November 3 [4 favorites]


FWIW I and my ex-with-benefits recently spent about a year kicking around ideas for a show I describe as "like a funny-animal version of Star Trek, except every other episode is from the point of view of the Borg". It's slowly manifesting as comics amidst all the other projects I'm working on.

I am totally putting "starship-wide plumbing problem" on the list of story ideas for this show now.
posted by egypturnash at 12:13 PM on November 3 [6 favorites]


Star Trek: Coasties. DS9-style series set in Earth orbit, chronicling the Starfleet underachievers who're assigned close to home and spend all their time rescuing people who have trouble in their orbital party barges or get caught out on their solar-sail yachts during coronal ejections.
posted by the phlegmatic king at 12:13 PM on November 3 [19 favorites]


Yes, Admiral: The five-year term of a bombastic, highly-decorated starship ex-captain promoted well beyond his actual competence in his new role as an Admiral. Aided by his faithful Vulcan companion, they navigate the pitfalls of running the logistic tail of Starfleet, in what, they've been assured, is a mission-critical role. A cynical yet vastly capable Ferengi Senior Administrator Liason is the main foil for our intrepid pair.
posted by bonehead at 12:14 PM on November 3 [26 favorites]


Ooh! Ooh! Star Trek: Prison Break! Prison colony breakout! You can go light one week, heavy the next.

STARRING ENSIGN RO.
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:18 PM on November 3 [11 favorites]


god help me, now i kind of want to actually start writing space coasties
posted by the phlegmatic king at 12:20 PM on November 3 [4 favorites]


Where is Zapp Brannigan when you need him?
posted by cstross at 12:20 PM on November 3


Star Trek: Recovery.

Set in a Starfleet psych facility, each episode addresses the traumatic experiences that brought a specific patient there, and how they work to overcome them. One week might be a member of a security team who saw her commander eaten by black slime. Another week might show us a survivor of the Dominion prison camps, or the Battle of Wolf 359.


Naturally, Colm Meaney will be a frequent guest.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:21 PM on November 3 [34 favorites]


Who makes all these stuff? Who is mining all of this stuff, shipping the mined material across the stars, and then storing it? Who refines those materials? And if it's all robots, who services those robots and directs their efforts? If it's by algorithm, what size brick does the responsible programmer shit when the robot eats the 90% of an iron based species that no one had known about before? What shitstorm does the QA department of an engineering/manufacturing group (company?) go through when yet another ship has a catastrophic failure (or such a failure is used as a cover-up for something)? What reaming out does a science team get from the government at large when they pronounce a planet "dead" and then not only is there very slow moving life but the human contaminants brought down cannot be contained?

I'm seeing more of a "Black Mirror" thing than a single story playing out for 13 episodes a season.
posted by Slackermagee at 12:21 PM on November 3 [9 favorites]


Or, to keep to the theme, for the three books that the requisite trilogy would have.
posted by Slackermagee at 12:22 PM on November 3


About Lower Decks: How realistic is any lower-level job going to be when automation has eliminated all the grunt work? There won't be plumbers flashing you plumber's crack. Robots will fix toilets or toilets will fix themselves or toilets will never fail or the ship will just detect a problem, replicate a new toilet, and throw the old one on the atomic compost heap. Mundane life will be much more magicky than Star Trek always shows. Spock's spork will adjust itself to suit the food. Your cup will grow as long as you keep pouring without saying stop. Nanobots living between your teeth will come out and clean you teeth when they detect the need.

I would watch a series that was more realistic about the dangers/terror/boredom/etc. of all the shit these people do scattered all over the universe. Do all the options. More people would die. Ships would blow up or be totally disabled for a long time. There would not be all the dependably miraculous escapes. Five or ten episodes in, after you are just starting to know everyone on that crew, the ship explodes and their corpses all disintegrate or drift off into space or are eaten up and shatnered out by awful little creatures. Then reboot with a new crew. Never more than five or ten episodes of the same ship and crew. Maybe every once in a while, cut back to show five more minutes of some maddeningly boring castaway life, or show what happened to the crew of the USS Donner's Pass or whatever. Have episodes with no humans at all: species A meets species B, neither of which knows anything about humans.
posted by pracowity at 12:24 PM on November 3 [2 favorites]


From the article, Star Trek: Lower Decks, reminds me that there was a late season episode of Babylon 5 called A View from the Gallery told from the vantage point of a couple of maintenance workers instead of the Heroic Bridge Crew.
posted by a person of few words at 12:25 PM on November 3 [7 favorites]


Colm Meaney

Star Trek: That Poor Bastard
posted by Artw at 12:26 PM on November 3 [19 favorites]


I have always been fond of The Whelk's idea for a Starfleet medical drama.
posted by chrchr at 12:28 PM on November 3 [4 favorites]


Surely every Enterprise bridge officers' meeting ends with someone asking, "Where's Okona?" His seven seasons and a movie's worth of outrageous tales simply must be told.
posted by AndrewInDC at 12:29 PM on November 3 [2 favorites]


I think it would be interesting to see the Star Trek universe from the eyes of a civilian ship. A tramp steamer or the like.
posted by fimbulvetr at 12:29 PM on November 3 [7 favorites]


A few thoughts:

I want to see how Star Trek's economy works, in fine detail. I've always found the TNG line about 'there's no money in the future' to be lazy handwaving on the part of the writers.

I want to see what it's like for the lowest ranks, the working class crew members. Show me the life *I* could expect to have in the Trek universe.

I want to see 23rd and 24th century pop culture. Instead of everyone being fans of centuries-old public domain music, or one old nineties song the studio paid the rights for, speculate on what people might enjoy reading, watching, listening, experiencing in the future. Get weird with it.
posted by KHAAAN! at 12:32 PM on November 3 [9 favorites]


I have stated before and I will state again that my dream Star Trek series is a sitcom starring Morn and Mr. Homn as bickering roommates, with a supporting cast of characters who exist for the sole purpose of reacting to the fights that we never see on screen.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 12:38 PM on November 3 [10 favorites]


Off the top of my head:
Star Trek: The Next Next Generation
Star Trek: Basically Just The Culture
Star Trek: Nog
Star Trek: Let Frakes Have His Titan Sitcom
Star Trek: Those Two Temporal Investigation Guys From The DS9 Tribbles Episode
posted by ckape at 12:41 PM on November 3 [15 favorites]


Star Trek: The Baths of Khan. Sexy sexy alternative lifestyles in the 23rd Century.
Star Trek: Pirates of the Space Sargasso. Yes, pirates.
Star Trek: Ahab
Star Trek: Shore Patrol Like, Dick Wolf stuff in space. BWAMP BWAM!
Star Trek: Weird Tales Think Twilight Zone out there.
Star Trek: Sulu on Shoreleave. HBO or sexier only, please. Please!
Star Trek: Holo Deck Mind Fucks. What it says on the tin.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 12:45 PM on November 3 [7 favorites]


Star Trek: The Valve, in which we learn the truth about Starfleet: it's not actually a military or even expeditionary force, it's safety valve to allow the Federation to release its angry idiots and other malcontents into the void while everyone back home enjoys their awesome post-scarcity life. We learn the same is true for the other major species: the Klingons we see are rightwing survivalist nutjobs, most Klingons aren't like that, the Ferengi we see are libertarian assholes the rest wanted gone, etc
posted by Sangermaine at 12:47 PM on November 3 [54 favorites]


Garak, a simple tailor, demonstrates useful household skills such as the mending and alteration of clothes, fashion design, code-breaking, and hand-to-hand combat.

Also:
The Splendid Replicator
Wait Wait... Don't Meld Me!
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 12:49 PM on November 3 [20 favorites]


Star Trek: Oo-Moxxx
posted by Sys Rq at 12:52 PM on November 3 [2 favorites]


I've already given my take in a previous thread:

My Dinner With Jean-Luc. The captain spends two hours discussing both the philosophical underpinnings and the practical implications of the Prime Directive with Andorian diplomat Shrath Th'voqohr (played by Ian McKellen), over a five course meal with wine pairings.
posted by leotrotsky at 12:55 PM on November 3 [38 favorites]


> I think it would be interesting to see the Star Trek universe from the eyes of a civilian ship. A tramp steamer or the like.

For years, my fantasy Star Trek series has been The Adventures of Young Kasidy Yates.
posted by ddbeck at 12:56 PM on November 3 [9 favorites]


Maquis would be a good show. You'd be hijacking shipments, booby-trapping cargo, duking it out with Cardassian colonists, making the occasional assassination, dealing with unsavory folks for weapons, while ducking the stuffed shirt Federation and occasionally the Bajorans looking for them.
posted by leotrotsky at 1:01 PM on November 3 [4 favorites]


Star Trek: Holo Deck Mind Fucks.

I've long argued that the Holo Deck deserved its own entire universe -- sort of Star Trek as we know it fused with The Prisoner by way of Lewis Carroll.

A Star Trek I'd actually watch.
posted by philip-random at 1:08 PM on November 3 [2 favorites]


Prototype ship wakes up and becomes sentient, panics, does something dangerous and buggers off before it can be killed. Another ship is assigned to pursue it, following clues to its presence and dealing with the weird situations it leaves in its wake. A couple of seasons down the road blah blah mutual respect blah blah crisis and the crew of the pursuit ship become the crew of the prototype, who decides to join Starfleet if they'll have it.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 1:09 PM on November 3 [21 favorites]


I want Star Trek: Bowling ... what you never had a copy of the original Enterprise deck plans that clearly show a couple of bowling lanes? I bet that fun during Red Alerts.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:09 PM on November 3 [3 favorites]


Surely the holodeck has a shuffle mode.
posted by glonous keming at 1:11 PM on November 3 [10 favorites]


Slightly more sensibly I want a Harry Mudd show... well perhaps not THE Harry Mudd as he's a bit of proper nasty guy now and less fun than in the original show... but something set down in the criminal underworld, I can't believe there's no crime at all apart from him. I want to see the Venus Drug dealers and the Red Shirt Cops trying to catch them. I want Star Trek The Wire basically.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:14 PM on November 3 [1 favorite]


PULL UP A CHAIR, I have a lot of ideas.

Star Trek: The West Wing - by which I mean the Federation politics version of the West Wing
Star Trek: Starfleet Med Center - like Grey's Anatomy, only with more aliens and interspecies romances
Star Trek: First Contact - I KNOW THIS EXISTS ALREADY. That's not what I want. I want an anthology show where every season goes in depth into a story of Federation first contact with an alien civilization. I demand some real alien shit here, none of that people with funny foreheads business.
Star Trek: The Federation Bureau of Species Compatibility - the tales of the department charged with figuring out who's sexually compatible with who. IDIC is great and all, but someone's gotta boldly go and figure out just what combinations are physically possible if you know what I mean and I think you do. (this will be very M-rated obvsly)
Star Trek: Starfleet Academy - competition and drama among the Federation's finest!
Star Trek: Holodeck - someone's writing/programming all that shit. tell me their stories!
Star Trek: Cultural Sensitivity Seminar - every episode is some random alien culture's sensitivity seminar about like, Vulcans or Humans or Klingons
posted by yasaman at 1:14 PM on November 3 [7 favorites]


Another ship is assigned to pursue it

Might I suggest instead a Suliban shapeshifter, a veteran of the Temporal wars with mysterious motives?
posted by bonehead at 1:14 PM on November 3


Interetsing idea, GCU Sweet and Full of Grace , and... wait, hang on a second.
posted by Artw at 1:15 PM on November 3 [13 favorites]


The Great Federation Bake-Off between two silent replicators.
posted by Beardman at 1:19 PM on November 3 [17 favorites]


I really just want a Federation show showing what it's like for daily life for humans on Earth, Vulcans on Vulcan, what a Klingon who isn't a warrior does all day, ect. Or just a colony that has a bunch of different colonists from different species arriving and trying to get along on a newly terraformed world.

. . . which now sounds like The Real World: Star Trek.
posted by dinty_moore at 1:20 PM on November 3 [4 favorites]


Grand Designs We Just Replicate The Fucking House.
posted by Artw at 1:20 PM on November 3 [4 favorites]


Hustle (or Leverage) In Space: This diverse team of con artists will defraud anyone .. or anything .. if the ends are justified (difficulty: replicators, transporters, time travel, and holodecks are easy crutches to rely on)
posted by the antecedent of that pronoun at 1:24 PM on November 3 [4 favorites]


Garak and Morn in the Morning!
7 Seasons and a Movie.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 1:28 PM on November 3 [8 favorites]


Okay this is crazy but just bear with me on this: Star Trek except the adventures are actually just the content of a role-playing game that a bored actual crew is playing to kill time. They could call it, uh...StarPG.

Wait Wait... Don't Meld Me!

I snorted.
posted by cortex at 1:31 PM on November 3 [8 favorites]


Star Trek: The West Wing - by which I mean the Federation politics version of the West Wing

West Wingception
posted by grobstein at 1:32 PM on November 3


Star Trek: Misfits of Time -
"Time clones." They're canonical. But if Joe Starfleet accidentally time-duplicates himself, they can't BOTH captain the U.S.S. Misadventure. So the Department of Temporal Investigations established a special division, probably headquartered in a basement, where skilled yet superfluous copies of "prime-universe" people can contribute to the well-being of the Federation, semi-clandestinely, and in whatever ways are best suited to their talents. One week, Gandhi-11 and Engelbert Humperdinck-9 team up to seal a space-time rupture that their officemate, Polywater-Addicted-Surak, accidentally caused while making unsanctioned modifications to the break room replicator. The next week, Janeway-47 seduces Kirk-2889 on a bet. And in a thrilling season finale, the Federation president is abducted by a time-displaced horde of millions of Proto-Micro-Qs, and only Hammer-Era-Christopher-Lee-131 and Mecha-Kahless can save her.

I think it would be interesting to see the Star Trek universe from the eyes of a civilian ship. A tramp steamer or the like.

I ran a Trek tabletop RPG campaign like this. I set it in a newly-accessible star cluster where various private entities (including a Ferengi company) were in a race to stake claims on new worlds before the Federation showed up and started tut-tutting about the Prime Directive.

Star Trek: Judge Advocates. It's a legal procedural, one case per episode, about the problems that arise in governing the Federation and especially Starfleet with a liberal system of law and regulation. The possibilities are endless: the rights of transporter clones, refugees from repressive systems, the application of Klingon law on Starfleet vessels, redress for those harmed by the Federation, Starfleet labor issues, conflict between civilian and Starfleet authorities, worldly governments dealing with god-like powers, etc.

And here's the concept for my NEXT non-Starfleet RPG campaign! B)
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 1:33 PM on November 3 [5 favorites]


Webisode/YouTube channel type ideas include "phaser vs. xxx", "will it beam", "binging with neelix", "replicator hacks"
posted by the antecedent of that pronoun at 1:34 PM on November 3 [7 favorites]


I'd love to write an anthology series about the division of Starfleet responsible for clothes:

DS9 has a tailor. Previously: terrible fanfiction.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 1:39 PM on November 3 [1 favorite]


Has there been a Star Trek version of Somerset’s case, the 1772 decision where an English court held that a slave brought onto English soil was thereby freed? The Federation doesn’t recognize private property (or doesn’t recognize some forms of private property, let’s say). What if a non-Federation citizen brings onto a ship some “property” that the Federation doesn’t regard as property (like an Android).
posted by grobstein at 1:40 PM on November 3 [1 favorite]


They are a bit weird on "is Data property" TBH.
posted by Artw at 1:46 PM on November 3 [3 favorites]


On the nostalgia channel:

House Feud, in which rival Klingon families are forced to settle their disputes by answering inane trivia questions, as directed by a relentlessly cheerful host

Pon Farr versions of both the Dating Game and the Newlywed Game

The Honeymooners, starring Martok and Sirella, with their wacky neighbors Rom and Leeta
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 1:47 PM on November 3 [3 favorites]


How I Will Have Met Your Mother

That (22)70s show

beQitched: a somewhat rebellious Q marries a mid-level Starfleet officer and they have to keep Q's identity secret from everyone on the starbase, but Q and Q's family just can't stop from "magic" hijinks
posted by the antecedent of that pronoun at 1:47 PM on November 3 [10 favorites]


Okay this is crazy but just bear with me on this: Star Trek except the adventures are actually just the content of a role-playing game that a bored actual crew is playing to kill time. They could call it, uh...StarPG.

I'm thinking it's probably better as a webcomic rather than live action TV, though.
posted by nubs at 1:48 PM on November 3 [3 favorites]


No Exit

Three aliens find themselves issued into in a mysterious room. As they discuss their circumstances, it is revealed that the Borg have successfully assimilated all biological life in the milky way galaxy; the aliens are just one of many simulations of assimilated personalities, which are run from time to time by the Borg who are still searching for some atom of "biological distinctiveness" that continues to elude them.
posted by the antecedent of that pronoun at 1:55 PM on November 3 [6 favorites]


DS9 has a tailor. Previously: terrible fanfiction.

I cringed because I thought this was going to be a link to an older comment I wrote, and then I was disappointed when it wasn't, and then I was embarrassed when I looked it up and realized it was actually slashfic about Jean Luc and Mot the Barber, and so but yes.
posted by cortex at 1:55 PM on November 3 [7 favorites]


No Reservations: Delta Quadrant
in which Neelix, on temporary leave from Voyager, visits a new planet every week and samples the best local food and drink.
posted by Daily Alice at 2:05 PM on November 3 [6 favorites]


Why the fuck do you people keep bringing back Neelix that is the opposite of what we want.
posted by Artw at 2:15 PM on November 3 [20 favorites]


okay so i have a lot of opinions about this.
posted by nonasuch at 2:16 PM on November 3 [8 favorites]




Sort of suspect the Mirror Borg would be a bit Spock-like in not being all that different at all.
posted by Artw at 2:41 PM on November 3 [1 favorite]


Star Trek Where I Fix Everything Wrong With Voyager And Enterprise. Just what it says on the tin.
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:45 PM on November 3 [6 favorites]


I wonder what it says that the two major trends here are "Star Trek where there is more guns and shooting and everything blows up" and "Star Trek where everything is more mundane and chill".
posted by Artw at 2:47 PM on November 3 [1 favorite]


Star Trek: The Fun(gus) Republic. Reveals the events of 2255 which were covered up until now. Follows Stamets as he drops out of Star Fleet and founds a break away colony of citizens who have chosen to combine themselves with Tardigrade DNA. Watch the bridge crew of the colony's first starship, as they hang around naked and arrange wind chimes and crystals. Follow their negotiations with stuffed shirt Captains and evil Admirals as the colony struggles for recognition from the Federation. Watch them flit through time, space, and alternate realities on the fungal paths. Have them clash with Vulcan Logic Extremists, and map out relations with Q and other cross-reality entities.

Star Trek: The Prime Directive is Dumb. Introduce a Culture like civilization that considers it a moral duty to uplift, improve, nudge, guide, and otherwise interfere with less developed races (which is basically everyone else). It would put the Federation in the same position that the Klingons are in Discovery: they have a neighbor which if not opposed will eventually transform and convert their entire society through soft power. Deal with Culture agents trying to unchain Federation starship AIs, or culture flip Federation colonies, or shuttle craft which are secretly Culture spies.
posted by Balna Watya at 2:56 PM on November 3 [8 favorites]


I wonder what it says that the two major trends here are "Star Trek where there is more guns and shooting and everything blows up" and "Star Trek where everything is more mundane and chill".

It says TNG spent too much time in conference rooms. :)
posted by mordax at 2:56 PM on November 3 [3 favorites]


I was going to mention that, once again, Babylon 5 shows itself to be waaaaay ahead of the curve with 'A View from the Gallery' and a person of few words beat me to it. And by "waaaaay ahead" I mean 19! years! ahead.

B5 also did the alternate take on how the show is viewed (similar to the below decks) in "And Now for a Word" using a News team doing a broadcast from the station, while also driving the overarching plot of the Narn/Centauri war (mass drivers! planetary genocide! Let's see Picard talk around that one in one of those lame banquets on the Enterprise!) and setting tensions that would echo for seasons to come.

I think that if the episodes are written well and give almost "candid" views on the ship and the main characters, it can really help to cement a relationship to the characters.
A viewer would think, "Hey cool, the redshirts hate the "die first" thing too, and they have a pool on who's going to talk us in to a fight first, like I would do." so there's a rapport built between the show and the viewer.
posted by Zack_Replica at 3:13 PM on November 3 [3 favorites]


Star Trek: Those Two Temporal Investigation Guys From The DS9 Tribbles Episode

I watched this one last night for the first time (we are at pretty much exactly that place in a DS9 watch-through; I lost track after the first season when it first aired). It was so good.

Anyway, I once wrote a Hacker News (spit) comment that I'm not going to bother to look up, since I've deliberately blocked access to HN like 3 different ways on this machine, about my headcanon take on AI in Trek.

More or less: It's obvious from available evidence that Federation starships are already hosting overlapping collections of strong, superhuman AIs. (This may be true even of TOS-era ships, but becomes certain by the time holodeck episodes are routine.) From what we can tell, realtime FTL communication is widely available and there's a high-bandwidth comms network spanning much of the galaxy. A Galaxy-class starship might be especially computationally dense, but planetary systems and networks on places like Earth and Vulcan have to be vast by comparison. The computers are unfathomably smart, and they're talking to each other.

The inescapable conclusion is that this is a universe where the singularity has already happened to most of the spacefaring humanoid species, and our viewpoint characters are pretty much oblivious. (Despite living in a galaxy where they routinely have to survive encounters with post-singularity or mid-transition civilizations, which you'd think might be a bit of a tell.) A reasonable assumption is that computers and networks do work like running planetary weather control systems and managing the replicators and hosting everybody's immersive porn as sort of autonomic nervous system functions while the entities inhabiting them go about their business at some unfathomable scale, largely unaware of the carbon units that scurry through their physical substrate as low-level symbiotes or parasites.

It'd be interesting if this were the overt text of something, without losing the Trek feel and continuity.

(I grant you this probably gets you something not unlike the Culture, but I've never actually read those books, so.)
posted by brennen at 3:17 PM on November 3 [3 favorites]


There are a couple of podcasts that touch on this, though I don't think that any of them have a Horta lieutenant. I just want Lt. Naraht going around eating rocks and/or Klingons.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 3:22 PM on November 3


Whenever the Enterprise solves somebody's immediate problem, they always talk about how it will be followed up by a science or medical ship. I've always thought it would be interesting to have a show about one of those medical ships. You could have alien of the week *and* disease of the week! But you'd also have room for ethical dilemmas, like how do you walk away and leave the people of a pre-warp society suffering from disease if you have the technology to treat them? (Like that moment with McCoy in the hospital in STIV.)
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:22 PM on November 3 [4 favorites]


I can't believe there's no crime at all apart from him. I want to see the Venus Drug dealers and the Red Shirt Cops trying to catch them. I want Star Trek The Wire basically.

ST:TW might be what you want but ST: The Tom Paris Adventures is what you would get.
posted by biffa at 3:26 PM on November 3 [4 favorites]


This Old Starship featuring a wide cast of crusty and lovable characters, many with prominent regional accents. More Jeffries Tubes than you can shake a stick at and polarities are reversed frequently. Then the grand reveal! What will the Captain think of their new marble bridge?
posted by bonehead at 3:26 PM on November 3 [5 favorites]


FWIW I'm pretty sure the lower decks idea has been bumping around for long before Babylon 5 went with it. It's like Star Trek Academy* in terms of ideas that won't go away.

Anyway, it has a TV Tropes page.

* Star Trek 2009 was the final result of this? I guess? Wasn't keen on the idea so I'm glad if they got it out of their system.
posted by Artw at 3:33 PM on November 3 [2 favorites]


An I Claudius/Game Of Thrones style show set sometime after TNG on the planet of shitty vulcans that Picard inadvertently became a god of. Intrigues and corruption within the church of The Picard, doctrinal schisms, holy wars, sex. Maybe Vulcans and Romulans hanging about and manipulating behind the scenes in proxy conflict. Like maybe maybe, like deniably, like "is that character from some far off future-tech civilization, or is it magic or some shit?"
posted by rodlymight at 3:33 PM on November 3 [3 favorites]


"I wanna hear what jscalzi and cstross (and the lesser known rakdaddy) have to suggest to Trek."

I've never given Trek or any variation or iteration thereof a single thought, ever.
posted by jscalzi at 3:35 PM on November 3 [25 favorites]


Undeveloped Star Trek projects
posted by Artw at 3:38 PM on November 3


An in-universe clip show, Federation's Funniest Holo Movies, where citizens of the UFP submit outtakes of their most amusing, craziest holodeck incidents. Being the UFP, obviously there's no prize money for winning, but you do get cultural recognition having billions of entities watching you get hit in the species-specific gonad-equivalents in amusing ways.

Nah, that'd never work.
posted by glonous keming at 3:39 PM on November 3 [2 favorites]


The Lower Decks idea could give us the grunts' eye view of the bridge crew too. Presumably, the lower orders would only ever glimpse the ship's most senior officers very rarely, perhaps when one of them showed up to give the menials a bullshit pep talk. Maybe you could even tell the story of a classic Trek episode all over again, but this time from the Lower Decks perspective.

I'm thinking of something like Gotham Central, the comic book series which showed ordinary cops in Gotham, for whom Batman was just someone they'd occasionally see disappearing out a window after messing up their crime scene. They thought he was a showboating pain in the ass, and I bet the Lower Decks cast would feel the same way about Kirk, Spock, Picard etc.
posted by Paul Slade at 3:44 PM on November 3


The inescapable conclusion is that this is a universe where the singularity has already happened to most of the spacefaring humanoid species, and our viewpoint characters are pretty much oblivious. (Despite living in a galaxy where they routinely have to survive encounters with post-singularity or mid-transition civilizations, which you'd think might be a bit of a tell.) A reasonable assumption is that computers and networks do work like running planetary weather control systems and managing the replicators and hosting everybody's immersive porn as sort of autonomic nervous system functions while the entities inhabiting them go about their business at some unfathomable scale, largely unaware of the carbon units that scurry through their physical substrate as low-level symbiotes or parasites.

It'd be interesting if this were the overt text of something, without losing the Trek feel and continuity.

(I grant you this probably gets you something not unlike the Culture, but I've never actually read those books, so.)


An interesting set of issues here.

So like presumably a lot of what transpires among the humanoid characters is totally insignificant to the AIs and beneath the level of notice. But! Sometimes large-scale events happen that they would have to care about: the destruction of ships, the devastation of planets and stations -- these kinds of things would have significant impacts on the computational resources available to AI entities.

Add the premise that the AI entities are much more capable than the humanoid entities, and it seems to follow that every time there's a conflict where humanoid agency seems to have caused (or prevented) some mass destructive event, it is actually principally caused by the AIs, in particular presumably inter-AI conflict. The humanoid actions have to be at least largely epiphenomenal.

So what is the AI agenda that allows or causes to happen the major traumas from the shows? It's a kind of sinister Pynchonian re-framing of everything bad that has happened in a Star Trek.
posted by grobstein at 3:45 PM on November 3 [4 favorites]


Let's workshop some Lieutenant Barclay-themed concepts
posted by grobstein at 3:56 PM on November 3 [4 favorites]


I'd like Star Trek: Ambassadors where they deal with inept political appointees from various species, cultural clashes, and a lot of bananas outfits. (Basically Babylon 5 blended with bonehead's Yes, Admiral. Seriousness vs. comedy variable by episode, preferably.)

Failing that, count me in for Section 31 spying and underhanded manipulation. They could hack other species' computers to ensure they have the political results friendliest to the Federation, create fake threatening space pirates to encourage independent planets to join up and have the security benefits... I think you could do a lot with some grey-hat characters, especially if they have a Joker Game-style restriction to being mostly stealthy and never killing people.
posted by tautological at 4:13 PM on November 3


Heh, I had kicked around the idea of Trek where the AIs were totally in control but couldn’t figure out where to go with it other than the cliche biosentient/AI conflicts.

The problem, as Peter Watts discovered, is that it becomes difficult to tightly plot conflicts between post- and trans-human intelligences, because what could be the coup de grace for them may look like an off-hand comment to us baselines. It works great in a book where you have time to puzzle through everyone’s motivations, but it probably wouldn’t work for a tv show. (Still would love to see his take on the Borg, though.)
posted by thecaddy at 4:31 PM on November 3 [1 favorite]


I want to see the Borg in the JJ Abrams timeline... but something a bit different... may be one of them gets isolated and is semi-deprogrammed / scrambled so that he only speaks Swedish and develops and obsession with sports such as tennis.

It would be called Star Trek Beyond Borg
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:38 PM on November 3 [6 favorites]


(This isn't the thread I expected to spend most of my favorites in, but here we are. Thank you.)
posted by mollweide at 4:42 PM on November 3 [2 favorites]


It would be called Star Trek Beyond Borg

Gillen-worthy.
posted by Artw at 4:46 PM on November 3


Here's my pitch: it's a "Lower Decks" premise, but the guys on the Lower Decks are constantly being bothered by Q. They keep trying to tell the bridge crew what's going on, but the officers don't believe them.

For bonus points, do an episode where one of the low-level engineers (the guy who spends all his free time wishing he had a cushy NCO job like O'Brien's) goes through that whole thing where he changes one thing he regretted in his past that results in him becoming a Captain -- like that episode where Q shows Picard an alternate reality where he was just a "lowly" science officer -- but then Q tears it all away at the end and insists that Crewman Whatshisname is much happier this way, over the latter's loud protestations to the contrary.
posted by tobascodagama at 4:47 PM on November 3 [10 favorites]


I am not a Star Trek fan. In fact, I bailed halfway through the first TV airing of the trailer for ST:TNG because it was setting my teeth on edge.
posted by cstross at 11:59 AM

Well, I could imagine characters from any of the "Merchant Princes" universes stumbling into the Trek-verse and going "Nope nope nope nope nope". But the Federation could really use an organization like The Laundry...

I've never given Trek or any variation or iteration thereof a single thought, ever.
posted by jscalzi at 3:35 PM

I know; I've read "Redshirts" and it makes perfectly clear that the story-within-the-story was about a second-rate Trek rip-off show, which made the efforts for the characters to escape it all the more poignant. Besides, The Scalz has declared his loyalty to the Stargate franchise.

And as for rakdaddy/Adam Rakunas (who I discovered via MeFi Projects), his "Windswept/Like A Boss" universe is such a well-designed flaw-filled late-capitalist environment, he'd probably do well with a Ferengi-centered concept.
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:47 PM on November 3 [1 favorite]


I rather like the scene in Surface Details where the ship is about to enter some space combat, the human on board watches it whizz by without being to do much because they're just operating at human speed, and then the ship patiently explained that even that was just a reconstruction replayed for lulz because the entire thing was over in less than a second.
posted by Artw at 4:49 PM on November 3 [2 favorites]


This is so goddamn easy:

INT. DEEP SPACE NINE

O'BRIEN
Commander, I don't know what happened. We were beaming Garak over from the Defiant and something happened with the transporter.

SISKO
Chief! I don't want excuses! I just want! you! to! get! him! back! now!!!

O'BRIEN
Commander, that's what I've been trying to tell you. The problem is not him. It's them.

SISKO
Chief! I! don't! understand!

O'BRIEN
We got Garak aboard, but the transporter somehow made copies of him.

SISKO
Copies? Chief! How? many? copies?

GARAK (#71)
Commander, it's best not to dwell on such minutiae.
posted by googly at 5:04 PM on November 3 [14 favorites]


I'd watch a Star Trek about sex. Like make Deanna Troi a sex counselor and have her talk to couples. How would a Vulcan and a Klingon ever work? Suppose a Data type character actually tried to have a real relationship? Do the Borg have urges? Stuff like that. This sounds crass, and I guess it sorta is. But OTOH Star Trek has always been a bunch of metaphors for modern life and social issues.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 5:14 PM on November 3 [2 favorites]


Star Trek: Darkside-- the stories that Starfleet doesn't want us to know. Like the time they used a Genesis device and accidentally reanimated the dead deep beneath the surface. Or the time they re-used parts of a Federation ship that was involved in a tragic space accident-- and now the dead crew appears in the replicators, the holo-decks and the transporters in every ship featuring those parts.
posted by headspace at 5:15 PM on November 3 [3 favorites]


I'd like a section 31 series where they're actually a really efficient clandestine intelligence service. Premise is that most of what we saw of them in DS9 is set dressing because they knew Julian Bashir was a total sucker for that kind of thing. (I mean really, you like spy novels so let's make you a spy?) So basically a bunch of really smart, empathetic, professionals, who spend most of their time either talking and thinking in an HQ setting, or just going about whatever boring cover job they have. This is punctuated with occasional bouts doing really nasty things that are probably the right thing to do, and probably need to happen.

Basic idea of the organizational background is that they've realized that any intelligence agency tends to suffer one of two fates: It becomes dangerously inward facing, and it devotes too much of its energy to winning intragovernmental struggles for resources to be effective in the real world "necrotizing beauracratitis". Or, it just starts to function as secret police/assassination squad, and starts to become counter-productive to the goals of intelligence and security. That's why they're set up outside the official structures of the Federation. Less about freedom from oversight, and more about putting a constraint on themselves to prevent those two outcomes. Lack of official status keeps them (mostly) out of politics. If they start being a threat, or just stop being seen as being valuable to the Federation at large, they'll quickly cease to exist.

"So you're evil people, doing evil things, in as beneficial and socially responsible way as possible?"

"As good a motto as any."
posted by Grimgrin at 5:34 PM on November 3 [6 favorites]


The Starfleet Corps of Engineers books seem like a pretty good starting point. Since there's a reason for them to be pretty much anywhere at any point on the timeline it would even allow for a more modern take on the series with multiple casts/crews or maybe a mini-series format or something. One can dream.
posted by feloniousmonk at 5:39 PM on November 3 [2 favorites]


I want Star Trek The Wire basically.

"ROM! Are you taking notes on an oomoxian' criminal conspiracy?!"
posted by zarq at 5:46 PM on November 3 [2 favorites]


"...he has the lobes of a gree worm, I swear..."
posted by zarq at 5:47 PM on November 3 [1 favorite]


Ooh! They should do some kind of, I dunno, "box" episode where two of the characters get trapped in some kind of "box" (like a crashed shuttle or a cave or alternate dimension or something) and then can't get out of the "box" until they learn some kind of lessons about themselves. HAhahhaha! No. What I mean is they should never ever do that story again because they have beaten that plot to death like a dead tribble.
posted by sexyrobot at 5:58 PM on November 3 [1 favorite]


Also, is this the thread where we come up with more plotlines for "Star Trek and Friends" (from the thread about that new Mel Gibson movie that just sounds so gawdawful that it was just much more fun to come up with stories for the nonexistent "Star Trek and Friends")?
Because if we're gonna do that can we also do "Sex in the Starfleet"?
posted by sexyrobot at 6:04 PM on November 3 [1 favorite]


This would have been a great post for the Star Trek and Friends derail.
posted by elsietheeel at 6:04 PM on November 3 [3 favorites]


Maybe we can just beam those comments over?
posted by nubs at 6:10 PM on November 3 [1 favorite]


(The "Star Trek and Friends" comments start here.) "the one where they beam down to that planet" Hee!

The Great Federation Bake-Off between two silent replicators.

Oh, this show already exists. It's called "Dilithium Chef"
posted by sexyrobot at 6:19 PM on November 3 [5 favorites]


Star Trek's 7: In which the Federation is the Federation, the machiavellian Admiral Servalan takes over the Presidency in a secret coup d'etat, and the rebellious Captain Blake is framed for child molestation but escapes in the stolen U.S.S. Enterprise (which he renames the Liberator).

I also have pitches for Startrek Wars, Battlestartrek Galactica, and Outlaw Startrek. Call me, Paramount!
posted by Doktor Zed at 6:34 PM on November 3 [4 favorites]


Star Trek Hikikomori: The commodification of Holodeck technology, combined with centuries of development of electronic media has meant generations of people for whom culture provides the illusion of intimacy and engagement but is scripted, synthetic and introverted, and above all rigorously controlled. People who do not go to the stars stay in their apartments, living illusions of adventure unchallenged by the complications and randomness of a natural world. They travel imaginary stars and investigate those worlds and the strange beings living there.

These are the stories of the people living their lives in reclusion, and of the people responsible for Holodeck Industries' creative product.
posted by ardgedee at 6:37 PM on November 3 [6 favorites]


Wait, what? Rakdaddy's a Mefite? How did I not know this?!
posted by Pinback at 6:44 PM on November 3 [1 favorite]


I'd like a return to pure exploration. Maybe with a rotating list of interesting SF writers, and scientists, to try and break the show out of the humanoid weird-forehead alien rut, and move the stories towards embracing the weird and unknown.

Or maybe with a central mystery which takes all season to (partially) unravel. Thinking of something like Solaris with a Star Trek flavor. Or, on a sillier note, something like Lost, but In Space this time.

Another great prospect would be a "Federation at the crossroads" series. On one side lies The Culture and the Singularity. On the other side lies the Butlerian Jihad.
posted by Teegeeack AV Club Secretary at 6:45 PM on November 3 [7 favorites]


Star Trek Continues

How had I never heard of this? Incredible. I can't even imagine what I would have given for this when I was about 12 years old and at my maximum Star Trek love.
posted by thelonius at 7:17 PM on November 3


A Star Cops type program but instead of phaser battles we focus on all the data entry that actual star cops have to do. We'd focus on one unit led by a Captain who would emphasize reason. We'd name the show after him: B'Rney Milla.
posted by dannyboybell at 7:19 PM on November 3 [6 favorites]


The entire Trek "universe" is just a very advanced MMO and the characters within are avatars of real-world humans, able to "think" independently (ie, other players can interact with them and be mostly convinced the actual players are there, in an "Eliza" sort of way) but controlled and occasionally directly "inhabited" by their player and not actually sentient. (This can lead to some wacky comedy episodes.)

The "real world" is dystopic in the same way our world is dystopic, maybe 50 years from now. Things suck, a lot of people play this or similar games (there's our knockoff shows).

This is worth a lot of money on the outside. Some of the show is the machinations around that.

The company running the show has, like facebook, an undue amount of influence on happenings in the real world, both because of the economic power it wields and because it can control what players see in the game.

Some of the show is "real world", with antics and crises faced by the real players. The company which runs the game is shady AF, and some of the show is that. Big new things, like the Borg, are actually new parameters introduced by the programmers to try and balance gameplay.

Some of the show are players trying to wrest control (hack) of important game features from the company via stealth patches and such. This is highly illegal (due to regulatory capture) and some of the show are those misadventures.

Griefers exist, some of the show is the players/company of dealing with the equivalent of one of those epic Eve battles.

A lot of the show is the game play itself, what we've seen in our "regular" Trek series.

Part of the show is dealing with a true alien, as some part of the code base has become autonomous, but in a way which is completely incomprehensible to the humans running the game, the company, the governments and the players...but it's clear something is afoot. The "mythos" episodes, so to speak.

The company has made superficial efforts to sanitize the game to placate the people tired of "bro" players, but players have mastered the "well, bless your heart" form of the insult. (Every character in game seems pleasant on first encounter and some genuinely are, but many are truly despicable. These should be played by actors know for being likable.) Fun cut scenes during stressful game play from f-bomb dropping, screaming players in a variety of real-world locations to the eerily calm and polite way the same scene is going down in-game.
posted by maxwelton at 7:50 PM on November 3 [2 favorites]


Mountain Monsters in SPAAAAACE

Basically, the starship crew has to hunt down an interdimensional creature that is only half in our dimension.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:51 PM on November 3


That sounds like Star Trek: Stranger Things
posted by nubs at 8:18 PM on November 3


Again, I'm here to plug my idea, Star Trek: Daystrom Institute, where we get to watch the wacky and petty antics of researchers developing new and dangerous tech for the Federation. Think Better Off Ted with some Boleans.
posted by daisystomper at 8:20 PM on November 3 [5 favorites]


I'd like a section 31 series where they're actually a really efficient clandestine intelligence service.

I came up with an idea for a two-pronged Klingon intelligence service--the Eye of Kahless (intelligence gathering) and the Hand of Kahless (black ops)--that basically kept the Empire from constantly going to war with itself and the rest of the galaxy. They're so covert that they make Section 31 look like the drunk guy at a bar claiming to be Delta Force and SEAL Team Six. If you've always wondered where the Garaks, Bashirs, O'Briens, and even Barclays of the Empire were, that's where.
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:30 PM on November 3 [5 favorites]


I sort of like the idea of a Starfleet Academy setting, but I'd make it more an applied research university where the best and brightest that don't go off into space tackle the more pressing issues of making sense of all the information the various starships have acquired.

Set post Voyager, the teachers and students of Memory Alpha University address the serious theoretical issues in history, science, comparative religious studies, ethics, computer programming, medical and legal affairs that have accompanied the voyages of Starfleet captains throughout the galaxy and provide a rigorous underpinning to explain it all by use of holodeck simulations and debate.

The show would star Robert Picardo as Professor Joe Schmullus, Rosalind Chao as Dean Keiko O'Brien, Colm Meany as Miles O'Brien Head of the Maintenance department, Garrett Wang as adjunct professor Harry Kim, Michael Dorn as Coach Worf, Marina Sirtis as Deanna Troi Dean of Students, Tim Russ as Professor Tuvok and Ethan Phillips as Neelix Tuvok's eager TA as well as having a number of new cast members playing students working on advanced degrees in quantum continuity that challenge their instructors at every turn.
posted by gusottertrout at 8:35 PM on November 3 [2 favorites]


Slightly more sensibly I want a Harry Mudd show... well perhaps not THE Harry Mudd as he's a bit of proper nasty guy now and less fun than in the original show...

Cyrano Jones. You are thinking of Cyrano Jones, The More Agreeable Harry Mudd (TM)
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:54 PM on November 3 [5 favorites]


An episode-for-episode remake of TOS, except from Uhura's point of view, but she's kind of like Liz Lemon. She's always cleaning up the stupid messes made by the rest of the officers and saving the day. Kirk is an incompetent, womanizing drunk.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 8:55 PM on November 3 [4 favorites]


How about "Star Trek:TNG, The Puppet Show"?
posted by sexyrobot at 9:01 PM on November 3


DS9: Ranjen Cadfael, a mystery procedural set on Bajor before the Occupation, when the Cardassians were nothing more than somewhat pushy trading partners. Basically an excuse to unpack Bajoran theology and nerd out about the golden age of Bajoran culture, whatever that involved.

The Big Trill. A once close-knit gang of friends , all of whom have been through a new host or two since they last met, meet for a weekend after the funeral of their much-envied friend Dax. Each must contend with the unresolved issues they have with Dax, and with one another...

The Feee-male's Tale. Focuses on a young Ferengi wife's experience of misogyny and horribleness in her culture, which Federation characters view as somewhere between an adorable anachronism and "acceptable losses." She is eventually recruited into a militant feminist underground whose ultimate goal is to take out the Grand Nagus.
posted by All hands bury the dead at 11:22 PM on November 3 [9 favorites]


I want to see Christopher Guest's version. Fred Willard as a Vedek in the talking head chair.
posted by Dokterrock at 12:55 AM on November 4 [1 favorite]


I want Star Trek The Wire basically.

A couple of hardened Starfleet police detectives in a rough corner of the Federation where utopian technology has failed to deliver the freedom and security the rest of the Federation enjoys. Abandoned by a bureaucracy that doesn’t understand or care about the nuanced moral compromises intelligent beings make to survive, these detectives are forced to navigate the difficult choices of the criminals and the political aspirations of their superiors while being true to the ideals of egality, liberty, and peaceful enlightened democracy they were instilled with at Starfleet Academy. In their highly conflicted endeavor to do their jobs, some truly disturbing Holodeck scenarios are indulged and much Romulan Ale and cigars are consumed.

I would so watch this. While drinking Romulan Ale.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:16 AM on November 4 [5 favorites]


Who had that comment on MeFi ages ago about an idea for a new Star Trek starring an older Wesley Crusher who was dealing with the way his life hadn’t gone how he’d hoped, and now he was working on a space trash truck or something like that? Because that sounded legitimately compelling.
posted by DoctorFedora at 3:23 AM on November 4 [3 favorites]


Star Trek: Comments Thread

that should do it
posted by filtergik at 4:50 AM on November 4 [2 favorites]


Show me the life *I* could expect to have in the Trek universe.
posted by KHAAAN! at 22:32 on November 3 [6 favorites +] [!]


Yeah, um. Look, take a seat.

Also:
ST:Special Circumstances please.
posted by quinndexter at 6:13 AM on November 4 [1 favorite]


Artw: Why the fuck do you people keep bringing back Neelix that is the opposite of what we want.

Welcome to Mefi, Mr Vulcan! A steaming bowl of my Telaxian Vomit Gumbo will turn that frown upside down in a jiffy!
posted by dr_dank at 6:13 AM on November 4 [4 favorites]


Far into a postapocalyptic future, a motley group of diverse humans and nonhumans is able to get a single Starfleet ship running. Intending to strike out as refugees in search of a better home, they are mistaken by the peoples they encounter as being the return of Starfleet, and with it, the return of order, of progress and science, and of hope. They decide to live up to this mission, spreading the ideals of Starfleet, of hope and order, like a virus, one mission/planet at a time.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:25 AM on November 4 [7 favorites]


Colm Meaney will be a frequent guest.

Did someone mention the Space Dub?
posted by meehawl at 7:59 AM on November 4


Well, I could imagine characters from any of the "Merchant Princes" universes stumbling into the Trek-verse and going "Nope nope nope nope nope". But the Federation could really use an organization like The Laundry.

Take my money!
posted by Ber at 8:06 AM on November 4


An episode-for-episode remake of TOS, except from Uhura's point of view, but she's kind of like Liz Lemon. She's always cleaning up the stupid messes made by the rest of the officers and saving the day. Kirk is an incompetent, womanizing drunk.

Good lord this is what The Orville should have been.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 8:08 AM on November 4 [9 favorites]


> No Exit: Three aliens find themselves issued into in a mysterious room. As they discuss their circumstances, it is revealed that the Borg have successfully assimilated all biological life in the milky way galaxy; the aliens are just one of many simulations of assimilated personalities, which are run from time to time by the Borg who are still searching for some atom of "biological distinctiveness" that continues to elude them.

Is Hell other people even after your ego death and assimilation into a collective consciousness?
posted by ardgedee at 8:14 AM on November 4 [2 favorites]


In a sense, we already got a Lower Decks show: Red Dwarf. Of course, the point was always the jokes in that one, and it had a significant difference from Star Trek in that it embraced its Britishness. Rimmer is bitter that he can’t advance in his career because he “didn’t have the right nobby parents,” and Lister is less interested in exploring new frontiers than he is in lager and vindaloo. It was a great dynamic, but the writing was uneven and just sort of wandered into the ensuing seasons, rather than having an overarching goal.
posted by Countess Elena at 8:24 AM on November 4 [3 favorites]


Who had that comment on MeFi ages ago about an idea for a new Star Trek starring an older Wesley Crusher who was dealing with the way his life hadn’t gone how he’d hoped, and now he was working on a space trash truck or something like that? Because that sounded legitimately compelling.

I don't know if it's the one you're thinking of, but I'm pretty sure that I've pitched my medical ship idea before with Wesley as the captain.

He comes back from his interdimensional adventures with the Traveler mentally worse for the wear. Even though he was able to attain post human abilities like phasing in and out of different universes, he found he was still human at the core and couldn't handle a life outside of normal human existence. Maybe in his travels he comes across some kind of existential threat to humanity that he feels he can only prevent if he comes back and rejoins society. He finishes up at the Academy, gets his commission, and also earns a medical degree. (Why? Maybe it's part of the mystery.) There's a secondaty text throughout the show that he's great at his work, but Starfleet and even some of his own officers don't really trust him - partly because of his missing Years that he doesn't want to talk about and partly because they can sense he has his own agenda based on this secret knowledge, whatever it is. Maybe his first officer has been assigned to watch him, like Scully and Mulder in the early days.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:19 AM on November 4 [5 favorites]


No, you're currently writing a bunch of fake Star Trek titles for a possible novelty twitter account.
posted by ckape at 1:24 PM on November 4 [4 favorites]


(making new ones, not stealing from the thread (except the ones I already wrote for the thread))
posted by ckape at 1:35 PM on November 4


Far into a postapocalyptic future, a motley group of diverse humans and nonhumans is able to get a single Starfleet ship running. Intending to strike out as refugees in search of a better home, they are mistaken by the peoples they encounter as being the return of Starfleet, and with it, the return of order, of progress and science, and of hope. They decide to live up to this mission, spreading the ideals of Starfleet, of hope and order, like a virus, one mission/planet at a time.

I'm gonna say Star Trek: The Postman is probably the best idea in this whole thread.
posted by brennen at 3:21 PM on November 4 [3 favorites]


Idea: Deep Space Ten
posted by chrchr at 3:41 PM on November 4 [6 favorites]


Combining this thread with the John Carpenter one, I want to see a Star Trek story where they encounter the Thing. Someone must have written that fanfiction by now, right?
posted by Emily's Fist at 3:44 PM on November 4 [2 favorites]


DirtyOldTown: So, The Postman meets Andromeda?

Two other ideas I had, the first is basically Star Trek: Charlemagne (or Star Trek: Justinian). That bad thing with warp drives that happened in TNG and was promptly forgotten about happened, and all the big empires and states that depended on it collapsed. This would be someone trying, by hook, crook, and big pointy stick to put humpty dumpty back together again. With the omnipresent question "Are you really helping?".

I've also always wanted to see a series where the Borg show up having gotten much nicer all of a sudden. Basically the idea is that the Borg Queen was a kind of brain tumor in the collective consciousness, constantly gathering more resources to itself to keep control, but because keeping control meant suppressing drones, constantly starving for resources. So the Borg get dumber and dumber over time, and less and less able to adapt, to the point where they can't deal with anything novel unless they assimilate someone. (YES I AM STILL BITTER) The events of Voyager touched off a three way civil war in the collective between a freed collective, individual Borg al la Lore's crew, and the Borg Queen's remnants. The collective won, realized 'well... FUCK' as what they'd been up to really sinks in and are now trying somewhat clumsily to make amends.

So there's these old school, post-human, incredibly sinister Borg running around and they feel really really sorry about everything and really, how can we help out? The show would involve the Federation trying to deal with the problems this is causing.
posted by Grimgrin at 3:59 PM on November 4 [5 favorites]


Star Trek Couriers: Like Uber for warp-drive shuttles.
posted by ardgedee at 4:48 PM on November 4 [3 favorites]


A low-level Starfleet crewmember, just a regular guy in a red shirt, is abducted by some scientists and trapped in a space station, where he is subjected to experiments. Luckily, he has Data and the holographic Doctor to keep him company.

Now get this: the scientists send cheesy movies, the worst they can find. He has to sit and watch them all, and they monitor his mind!
posted by chrchr at 5:15 PM on November 4 [12 favorites]


Star Trek: Matrix, where it slowly becomes clear that the whole of Starfleet and its associated adventures is just simulation that the AIs who actually run everything have shoved the superfluous population into while they convert all of the solar system into computronium. FTL is impossible, ditto teleportation and time travel, just like in the real universe; aliens are NPCs or humans with a forehead-prosthetic retexture; the battles and colony disasters are just resource reclamations -- all these things are just window dressing, smoke and mirrors to keep the AI's pets entertained and oblivious while they go about their post-singularity inscrutable business.
posted by Blackanvil at 7:48 PM on November 4 [1 favorite]


*dusts off Star Trek Ideas folder*

Star Trek: Washouts

A young, talented First Officer performs a daring feat that saves the day and pisses off Starfleet Command. In retaliation, (s)he is transfered to the USS Vanguard, assigned to the defence of Hiyrus II.

Hiyrus II is a peaceful settlement that accidentally got Federation membership sometime back but operates at a fairly primitive technology level (nineteenth-century-ish but with holographic doctors and limited replicators). It is under threat from the people of Hiyrus I, an in-system planet ruled by a brutal dictator and possessing a late-twentieth-century-ish technology level.

The Vanguard is the Federation's least valuable starship, a two generations' obsolete Dreadnaught with the damage from its last battle still unrepaired.

Every decade or so, Hiyrus I builds some highly-advanced stealthy autonomous weapon and throws it at at Hiyrus II. The Vanguard easily detects it with its second emergency backup sensor array and destroys it with its meteor defense phasors. This requires one on-duty crew member to issue one command when the alarm sounds.

Our hero immediately recognizes the Vanguard for what it is: a dumping ground for officers and crew that have embarrassed Starfleet but haven't technically done anything wrong. Most people sent here give up on Starfleet and quit; the remainder are just stubborn or have made nice lives for themselves on Hiyrus II.

Then, just before giving up and resigning, our hero discovers that somebody has started helping Hiyrus I, and shit is about to get real.

The series is about them trying to first get the rest of the Vanguard's crew on board and then actually saving the planet.


Star Trek: Armageddon

The Borg have come. The Klingon and Romulan empires have been assimilated and the Federation is on its last legs.

As the Borg fleet closes on Earth, an old and disfigured Wesley Crusher[1] discovers that the Borg have a heirarchy and that the source of their orders is at sector mumble...mumble...mumble.

And so, the Federation's last exploration ship, hastily outfitted from the cache of weapons considered too dangerous to use and crewed by whoever was available sets off to find the Borg control center and destroy it.

[1] Yes, I know Wesley is off flying through space now. This is an alternate timeline or something.


Star Trek: Jerry the Waiter

A young Bohemian, working as a waiter in a café, navigates life and love while creating his masterwork: a translation of Das Kapital into Archaic Ferengi.
posted by suetanvil at 7:53 PM on November 4 [3 favorites]


Also:

Ensign Pavel Chekhov, now long retired and living on Earth tries to recover a stolen family heirloom, a twentieth-century rifle.
posted by suetanvil at 7:55 PM on November 4 [5 favorites]


Star Trek: Shangri-La

After many years of diplomacy, negotiation, and do-goodism the Federation succeeds in convincing and converting the entire galaxy to its beliefs (Save for those inhabited planets yet to reach warp drive with which the Prime Directive forbids contact). Peace reigns and the values of the Federation are fully embraced by all. What happens next in a galaxy without conflict is the exciting premise of this show.
posted by gusottertrout at 8:41 PM on November 4 [1 favorite]


Star Trek: Empire

In which we learn why some Klingons look like Worfy walnut-heads, while others look like that lizardy guy from The Last Starfighter, and others just look like regular-degular Earth dudes. ‘Cause they’re different races with a shared culture because space colonialism. So, like, turns out, the whole time, the Klingon Empire was like the thing an empire is!

And maybe one kind of Klingon tries to split off or something. Maybe that’s why Romulans.

Might be neat, I think. If nothing else, it’d get the forehead prosthetic industry back on its feet for a while.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:43 PM on November 4 [5 favorites]


Punisher 2099 Kills The Star Trek Universe
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:46 PM on November 5 [2 favorites]


Good point. When someone new beams on board, they need to get the matter to make the body from somewhere.

Gives whole new meaning to "you're full of shit!".
posted by WCityMike at 10:21 AM on November 6


Star Trek: The West Wing - by which I mean the Federation politics version of the West Wing

Articles of the Federation. Great book.
posted by WCityMike at 10:23 AM on November 6 [1 favorite]


I assume engineering provides most of the heat for the whole ship

If you have controlled matter-antimatter reactions, your heat problem isn't "can I keep everyone warm", it's "can I avoid vaporizing myself and any adjacent planets".
posted by kjs3 at 11:56 AM on November 6 [2 favorites]


Everyone sticks to the same plane to avoid being vapourised by the massive above and below waste heat beams every ship has.
posted by Artw at 12:22 PM on November 6 [4 favorites]


Star Trek: Neelix and Chill
posted by webmutant at 8:48 PM on November 7 [5 favorites]


Star Trek: Neelix and Chill

<:[
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 5:30 AM on November 8 [1 favorite]


Into the heat beams.
posted by Artw at 5:47 AM on November 8


Star Trek: Vandelay Industries

The wacky gang from Seinfeld take the helm of the USS Vandelay Industries.

Capt. Seinfeld: What's the deal with the forehead ridges? One series you guys have 'em, the next you don't.

Klingon Captain: *growls*

Capt. Seinfeld: Not that there's anything wrong with that!

****
Watch what happens when Commander Constanza has his polarity reversed by the transporter and begins to live his life according to the reverse of how he had done everything before.

****
Commander Elaine Benes: I can't spare a square.

Captain Seinfeld: You realize we have a replicator, right?

****

We are the Borg. Existence, as you know it, is over.

Captain Seinfeld: Hello, Newman.
posted by nubs at 8:26 AM on November 8 [6 favorites]


They're killing independent Bajor!
posted by cortex at 9:22 AM on November 8 [4 favorites]


"What's going on over here?"
"There's a beached gormagander. She's dying."
"Is anyone here a xeno biologist?"
...
Commander Costanza: "The shuttlebay was angry that day, my friends. Like a Tellarite trying to send back soup at a replicator."
posted by zarq at 9:40 AM on November 8 [5 favorites]


Ensign Kramer, leaving the holosuite: "I'm out!"; slaps a bar of gold pressed latinum down.
posted by nubs at 10:30 AM on November 8 [6 favorites]


Cdr. Constanza: I think I can sum up the mission for you in one word: NOTHING.
posted by nubs at 10:49 AM on November 8 [4 favorites]


Cpt. Seinfeld: Minsk?
Cmdr. Worf: Minsk.
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 12:23 PM on November 8 [2 favorites]


"Hey, Commodore? I've always wondered about something. Why do so many comms officers wind up going off the deep end and fire their phasers at people?"
Commodore Newman: "Because the messages never stop. They just keep coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, it's relentless. Every shift they pile up more and more, and you gotta get them out. But the more you get out, the more they keep coming in! And then your earpiece breaks! And then it's Call a Starfleet Officer Day!"
posted by zarq at 12:26 PM on November 8 [2 favorites]


Cadet Costanza: "You know, I always wanted to pretend I was an Andorian."
posted by zarq at 12:29 PM on November 8 [1 favorite]


"...and then the Klingons decloaked. Yadda yadda yadda, the planet blew up."
posted by zarq at 12:39 PM on November 8 [2 favorites]


You can't yadda yadda yadda a teenage Spock!
posted by Artw at 12:48 PM on November 8 [2 favorites]


Capt. Seinfeld: Look at this. They make a point of saying on the replicator menu, “No egg white omelets.” Look at that.

Lt. Costanza: So what? Have a yolk. It won't kill you.

Computer: Please state request.

Capt. Seinfeld: Can I get an egg white omelet?

Computer: Please refer to main replicator menu.

Capt. Seinfeld: All right, just give me a Rigellian.

Cmdr. Benes: How about a big salad?

Computer: Please specify parameters.

Cmdr. Benes: (to Lt. Costanza) You see?

Lt. Costanza: Just tell it what you want. It'll make it for you.

Cmdr. Benes: It's a salad, only bigger, with lots of stuff in it.

Computer: I can reproduce two small salads within standard nutritional guidelines.

Cmdr. Benes: Could you put them in a big bowl?

Computer: I am not currently programmed for big bowls.

Cmdr. Benes: All right. Just give me a cup of decaf.

Computer: Tea, Earl Grey, hot.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:32 PM on November 8 [4 favorites]


I would have made the twitter account earlier but I couldn't figure out a good user icon. But then today I had a sudden flash of inspiration. I'll try to do a new title daily.
posted by ckape at 5:35 PM on November 17


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