If the valley was hidden, how did they find it?

November 11, 2017 10:23 AM

Be the death of the party with this keg of ranch dressing. The five-litre mini keg is currently available for preorder. For presentation purposes, a ranch dressing fountain is also available, but sold separately.
posted by mandolin conspiracy (62 comments total)

For smaller, lighter occasions,
bring along a case of Ranch Soda.
posted by Karaage at 10:32 AM on November 11, 2017 [4 favorites]

This reminds me of a waiter acquaintance of mine, grousing about how frequently diners asked for extra dressing to drown their salads with: "Thousand Island is not a beverage, people!"
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:34 AM on November 11, 2017 [8 favorites]

In my house Ranch dressing is known as "America Sauce" and is an occasional pizza topping during times of stress.

Protip: the powdered mix is pretty good on popcorn.
posted by Alison at 10:40 AM on November 11, 2017 [10 favorites]

This is peak Murica.
posted by tommasz at 10:49 AM on November 11, 2017 [3 favorites]

Ranch Dressing fountains are actually a real thing that really exists. Here's a video of it in action. This particular video chosen because of how unappealing it is, with the chuffing pump and off center pouring. I'm trying to figure out why you would deliberately aerate your ranch dressing.
posted by Nelson at 10:49 AM on November 11, 2017 [7 favorites]

This just smacks of corporate marketing bros trying to figure out how to make their product go viral with the ironic crowd. It might work, too, because that is
horrifying enough to stick in your brain, as well as arteries.
posted by agentofselection at 10:54 AM on November 11, 2017 [5 favorites]

Seismologists are recording my shudders of revulsion right this second.
posted by BrotherCaine at 10:55 AM on November 11, 2017 [6 favorites]

I'm trying to figure out why you would deliberately aerate your ranch dressing.

You have to let it breathe.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:59 AM on November 11, 2017 [7 favorites]

You have to let it breathe breed.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:02 AM on November 11, 2017 [2 favorites]

I notice the fountain has a "heater"? I like ranch dressing as much as the next guy but it does not seem like something that should be eaten hot.
posted by kingv at 11:09 AM on November 11, 2017 [9 favorites]

I'm so old I remember when a couple restaurant chains in L.A. called it "House Dressing".

Still, if I'm going to get a keg of salad dressing, I'd prefer Ken's Sweet Vidalia Onion.
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:17 AM on November 11, 2017 [2 favorites]

Ranch it up!
posted by No Robots at 11:24 AM on November 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

I don't want to live in this world anymore
posted by 4ster at 11:26 AM on November 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

No Robots' link blurs the line between Ranch and Raunch.
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:28 AM on November 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

One of my food stories: Once I had a bunch of buttermilk and I decided to make traditional ranch dressing from scratch. It was delicious but it tasted absolutely nothing like "ranch dressing."
posted by Miko at 11:32 AM on November 11, 2017 [3 favorites]

There's always Franch.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:53 AM on November 11, 2017 [4 favorites]

I made srirancha for a breakfast sandwich yesterday.
posted by mannequito at 11:55 AM on November 11, 2017 [3 favorites]

I put srirancha on Ellio’s pizza.

I am a bad person.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:01 PM on November 11, 2017

It's one of my favourite New Yorker cartoons brought to life.
posted by Flashman at 12:16 PM on November 11, 2017 [5 favorites]

Obligatory Simpsons reference: Enough! I grow weary of your sexually suggestive dancing. Bring me my ranch dressing hose!
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:44 PM on November 11, 2017 [3 favorites]

croutons are streaming down my face
posted by thelonius at 12:49 PM on November 11, 2017 [6 favorites]

I don't dislike ranch dressing but I wouldn't necessarily like, cross the street to get some. I've never seen a Ranch Dressing Application^TM that could not be handled better by a nice chunky bleu cheese dressing instead.
posted by supermedusa at 12:53 PM on November 11, 2017 [7 favorites]

croutons are streaming down my face

*pets them gently*
posted by elsietheeel at 1:03 PM on November 11, 2017 [20 favorites]

You know you've worked in food service when you don't think that that keg is really that much ranch. That thing looks like it would barely fill a full sized 32 quart Cambro, and I've seen one of those get emptied out in 30 minutes of an open salad bar.

People eat way too much ranch dressing. We usually went through double the amount of ranch of anything else, even a good blue cheese made with real cheese.

That ranch fountain, though. What the fucking fuck.
posted by loquacious at 1:12 PM on November 11, 2017 [11 favorites]

I use Kroger brand ranch dressing with bacon on my coleslaw, with a little cider vinegar added to thin it.

Note that the dressing comes with bacon already in it. I don't add bacon. Although I might if I couldn't get this dressing anymore.
posted by Bruce H. at 1:12 PM on November 11, 2017

The old rule was that healthy eating rules are blurred when eating out. Now, you can't afford to eat out so you can blur at home.
posted by Bee'sWing at 1:27 PM on November 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

Sponsored products related to the Ranch Soda
- Moroccan Octopus Jerky
- Edible Insects Bag of Mixed Edible Bugs. Grasshoppers, Crickets, Silk Worms and Sago Worms
- Soylent Meal Replacement Drink, Original, 14 oz Bottles, Pack of 12
posted by stevil at 1:45 PM on November 11, 2017 [2 favorites]

Also "Includes a year supply of Hidden Valley Ranch!" #grammar
posted by stevil at 1:45 PM on November 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

I dunno. The ranch fountain is a start, but just for a little extra punch, I'd clog up the lines with some loosely packed hairballs so they'll periodically blorp out the top, and maybe rig up the fountain to play tinny, circuit bent carnival music.

And I'd call it "Ranch Surprise."
posted by ernielundquist at 1:50 PM on November 11, 2017 [10 favorites]

Ouch. So many bulk buying decisions?

50 Gallon drum personal lubricant ( https://www.amazon.com/Passion-Lubes-Natural-Water-Based-Lubricant/dp/B005MR3IVO/ref=sr_1_sc_1_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1510437047&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=50+gallon+drum+of+libe ) or a Ranch Keg?

SO conflicted! Help me, Metafilter, you are my only hope!
posted by Samizdata at 1:51 PM on November 11, 2017 [3 favorites]

Ranch dressing is an edible lubricant.
posted by Nanukthedog at 2:14 PM on November 11, 2017 [5 favorites]

Ouch. So many bulk buying decisions

clearly this is a both/and situation

just be sure you clean all the ranch out of the presentation fountain before those special occasions where you want to switch it over to lube (and vice versa)
posted by halation at 2:30 PM on November 11, 2017 [4 favorites]

I've been morbidly diving into weird food fountain videos and so far they're all pretty much all uniformly repulsively unappetizing and terrible. I have the alarming words "I want to shove my whole face in it" echoing in my ears, with the context of a gurgling, steaming hot cheese fountain. Not only are ranch fountains a thing, so are maple syrup fountains. And peanut butter? I'm assuming I'll eventually find a marshmallow fluff fountain, or a BBQ sauce fountain.
posted by loquacious at 3:00 PM on November 11, 2017 [2 favorites]

Ranch dressing is an edible lubricant.

Well, thanks for making me never want to have sex with a salad again.
posted by greermahoney at 3:22 PM on November 11, 2017 [12 favorites]

I'll eventually find a marshmallow fluff fountain

From your mouth to God's ears. And then to my mouth.
posted by greermahoney at 3:25 PM on November 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

BBQ sauce is somehow both less repulsive and more disturbing than ranch
posted by halation at 4:01 PM on November 11, 2017 [2 favorites]

BBQ sauce is somehow both less repulsive and more disturbing than ranch yt

I would hazard it depends on the barbecue sauce.


I'll eventually find a marshmallow fluff fountain

From your mouth to God's ears. And then to my mouth.

Is it too much to ask for a peanut butter fountain on one side and a fluff fountain on the other and a giant pile of freshly baked and sliced bread cooling in the middle?
posted by Samizdata at 4:24 PM on November 11, 2017 [4 favorites]

The BBQ sauce in halation's link is too red and not dark enough. Don't try to slip ketchup over on us... Sweet Baby Ray's or nuthin'.
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:33 PM on November 11, 2017

Is it too much to ask for a peanut butter fountain on one side and a fluff fountain on the other and a giant pile of freshly baked and sliced bread cooling in the middle?

It is not too much to ask. It is the perfect amount.
posted by greermahoney at 4:36 PM on November 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

Is it too much to ask for a peanut butter fountain on one side and a fluff fountain on the other and a giant pile of freshly baked and sliced bread cooling in the middle?

It is not too much to ask. It is the perfect amount.

Now all I need is to get rid of those people in the corner giving me stinkeye about multiple dipping...
posted by Samizdata at 4:41 PM on November 11, 2017 [2 favorites]

Now all I need is to get rid of those people in the corner giving me stinkeye about multiple dipping...

Use bread 1/2 the size. Single dipping size. Problem solved.

For me though PB & J fountains would work better, but we'd need ice cold whole milk.

Or...

A tomato soup fountain with little grilled cheese dippers?
posted by mikelieman at 4:46 PM on November 11, 2017 [6 favorites]

Back when I was intentionally growing some specific kinds of microorganisms the biggest hurdle was keeping the media warm and aerated, while at the same time keeping all the nasties that are always floating in the air from contaminating it.

I want a few of these fountains to do some experiments in wild fermentation (and creative food poisoning).

Add some milk and leave running, when the curds clog the pump Voila! Wild cheese!
posted by Index Librorum Prohibitorum at 4:54 PM on November 11, 2017 [4 favorites]

@Nelson oh my go I am teh dead. I’m tpying this while daed.
posted by cyclotronboy at 4:59 PM on November 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

when the curds clog the pump

wild, wild wild
wild, wild wild
when i'm with you all i get is wild clots
posted by halation at 5:01 PM on November 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

Queso fountain.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:19 PM on November 11, 2017

Now all I need is to get rid of those people in the corner giving me stinkeye about multiple dipping...

Wait. What? You just take one slice and put it in the fluff, take another slice and put it in the pb, then slap 'em together. What needs this double-dip?
posted by greermahoney at 5:32 PM on November 11, 2017

Wait. What? You just take one slice and put it in the fluff, take another slice and put it in the pb, then slap 'em together. What needs this double-dip?

My estimate is that < 5% of the population would go this route.
posted by mikelieman at 5:34 PM on November 11, 2017

My estimate is that < 5% of the population would go this route.

Huh. And I'm usually such a normie.
posted by greermahoney at 5:39 PM on November 11, 2017

I can't imagine anything the consistency of peanut butter, jelly or marshmallow fluff in a fountain OR a keg with a tap. If it were possible, I'd request Nutella first...
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:52 PM on November 11, 2017

Does it come with an IV?
posted by blue_beetle at 7:15 PM on November 11, 2017

I notice the fountain has a "heater"?

Obviously it's a repackaged chocolate fountain, but still: invoking even the idea of undulating cascades of warm ranch dressing doesn't seem the best marketing idea.

It was the phrase "jolly fountain skirt" that did it for me.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 7:29 PM on November 11, 2017 [3 favorites]

just be sure you clean all the ranch out of the presentation fountain before those special occasions where you want to switch it over to lube (and vice versa)

OR...don't clean it out and hey presto: ranch-flavored lubricant!
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:07 PM on November 11, 2017

Now all I need is to get rid of those people in the corner giving me stinkeye about multiple dipping...

Use bread 1/2 the size. Single dipping size. Problem solved.

---

Now all I need is to get rid of those people in the corner giving me stinkeye about multiple dipping...

Wait. What? You just take one slice and put it in the fluff, take another slice and put it in the pb, then slap 'em together. What needs this double-dip?
---

Look now, these are fountains. I am NOT sandwiching, I am hand-fondueing here. And the nut butter and fluff GO ON THE SAME PIECE! Does NO ONE know how this works?

I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE PUT CRAZY PILLS IN MY SODA!
posted by Samizdata at 12:07 AM on November 12, 2017 [2 favorites]

I am hand-fondueing here. And the nut butter and fluff GO ON THE SAME PIECE!

Not in my fountains, you're not. Get your own, you monster.

JFC. You think you know someone cuz they're on the same early 2000's looking "weblog" and then you find out they're a psychopath with no regard for the natural order of peanut butter and fluff fountains.
posted by greermahoney at 12:26 AM on November 12, 2017 [3 favorites]

I just yesterday started calling ranch dressing “salad lotion.” Then I saw this.
posted by nevercalm at 3:02 AM on November 12, 2017 [8 favorites]

I am 100% certain at least one iteration of the Bad Place neighborhood had ranch dressing fountains flowing through its streets.
posted by Superplin at 7:09 AM on November 12, 2017 [3 favorites]

I am 100% certain at least one iteration of the Bad Place neighborhood had ranch dressing fountains flowing through its streets.

I honestly read this thread looking for The Good Place references. Thanks for not letting me down.
posted by greermahoney at 8:41 AM on November 12, 2017 [2 favorites]

Sponsored products related to the Ranch Soda
- Moroccan Octopus Jerky
- Edible Insects Bag of Mixed Edible Bugs. Grasshoppers, Crickets, Silk Worms and Sago Worms
- Soylent Meal Replacement Drink, Original, 14 oz Bottles, Pack of 12

I was with you up until the last one, but then you had to get gross.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:35 PM on November 12, 2017 [1 favorite]

this is an excellent thread
posted by latkes at 7:07 PM on November 12, 2017

I am hand-fondueing here. And the nut butter and fluff GO ON THE SAME PIECE!

Not in my fountains, you're not. Get your own, you monster.

JFC. You think you know someone cuz they're on the same early 2000's looking "weblog" and then you find out they're a psychopath with no regard for the natural order of peanut butter and fluff fountains.

What? If I DON'T do it that way, I am unable to have a piece of peanut buttered and fluffed bread in EACH hand for maximum eating efficiency! You want the terrorists to win, well DO YA?
posted by Samizdata at 7:21 PM on November 12, 2017

I am pro-ranch dressing because the only situation in which I ever encounter it in the wild is as a dipping choice at a dive bar when I have already been drinking, at which point I usually just tell them to bring me all the dressings.

I have never ordered a salad with ranch dressing, and never intend to.
posted by aspersioncast at 9:29 AM on November 14, 2017

Obligatory Simpsons reference: Enough! I grow weary of your sexually suggestive dancing. Bring me my ranch dressing hose!

I literally Ctrl+F'd for this reference as the first thing I did in this thread.
posted by urbanlenny at 6:48 PM on November 16, 2017