"The Aldovian castle is about as nice as a midlevel ski resort"

November 29, 2017 3:25 PM

What’s the deal with the magazine where Amber works?
First of all, Amber is an editor. We know this because she confronts a very rude writer who turned in 650 words instead of 300. “Just clean it up,” the writer sniffs at her. Amber mopes back to her friends. She wants to be the one writing the stories, not just fixing them. “Amber, we’re junior editors, not writers,” her friend who never gets a name says, giving us helpful exposition. But see — at most (all?) publications, editors are a more senior position than writers. Why do they treat it at Now/Beat/Now like it’s the world’s worst internship?

Why would they serve such a disgusting appetizer at a palace?
Another bit of “comedy”: The food they serve in foreign countries is gross sometimes! But this is a cocktail party at the royal palace of a country, with only the nobility invited. Even if the dish was “jellied meat,” why would it be served on cheap, stale-looking baguette slices with a sliced black olive and a neon toothpick? Everything else in this movie indicates that the royal family is classy and has impeccable taste. Why would anyone serve anything that looks like this at a party?

Dana Schwartz reviews the Netflix original film A Christmas Prince, "the only Christmas movie that matters now"
posted by Atom Eyes (51 comments total)

Oh man, this is an excellent critique. I've not watched it and yet I'm kind of wanting to now because of the issues that have been raised.
posted by Fizz at 3:31 PM on November 29, 2017 [8 favorites]

“Lower your expectations now”, that Chicago shot says. “You did not click on A Christmas Prince on Netflix for attention to detail or consistency. You are watching this with a glass of wine and two other tabs open, and we made this film with a glass of wine and two other tabs open.”

OMG
posted by Songdog at 3:39 PM on November 29, 2017 [71 favorites]

Bah humbug, so what if the film is cheesy? Most Christmas movies are cheesy. Other than A Christmas Story, I can't think of one that isn't either overly sentimental, goofy, or dumb.
posted by Beholder at 3:42 PM on November 29, 2017 [1 favorite]

Other than A Christmas Story, I can't think of one that isn't either overly sentimental, goofy, or dumb.

Yippee-kay-ae mother fucker!!
posted by Fizz at 3:45 PM on November 29, 2017 [35 favorites]

Speaking of GOOD Christmas movies, Gremlins is returning to theaters for Christmas (on FanFare)... so, Yippee-kay-ae mogwai fucker!!
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:56 PM on November 29, 2017 [7 favorites]

Bah humbug, so what if the film is cheesy? Most Christmas movies are cheesy. Other than A Christmas Story, I can't think of one that isn't either overly sentimental, goofy, or dumb.

From the article:

Christmas romantic comedies don’t need to be “plausible,” or “well-written,” or “good.” It’s probably better if they’re none of the above. A good Christmas romantic comedy should be so bad that you can make fun of it a little bit in your head and feel smart, but still romantic enough that after a big glass of red wine, you can admit that you’re enjoying it a little bit un-ironically.

By those metrics, A Christmas Prince is an instant classic.

posted by Atom Eyes at 4:00 PM on November 29, 2017 [3 favorites]

Yippee-kay-ae mogwai fucker!!

please do not fuck the mogwai after midnight
and definitely do not get them wet
posted by halation at 4:07 PM on November 29, 2017 [13 favorites]

Not long ago I was wondering what happened to the Ruritanian romance. Guess I got my answer.

The Certificate of Adoption is my favorite part of this.
posted by Countess Elena at 4:11 PM on November 29, 2017 [7 favorites]

A point of comedy in this movie is that Amber is pretending to be a tutor named Martha for a preteen, and Amber doesn’t know any of the math she’s supposed to be teaching. “Scatterplots? What is that!” Amber says while Skyping her friends. Amber is a 20-something girl. How does she not know what a scatterplot is? She went to college. And from the looks of it, the princess’ math is incredibly basic geometry. Like, seventh-grade math. Triangles. It is a problem if Amber is really that confused about triangles.

Well, I never got past Algebra I, to be honest. I had to google "scatterplots."
posted by brundlefly at 4:17 PM on November 29, 2017 [3 favorites]

For me, the best part about watching this holiday microgenre—which in addition to A Christmas Prince includes A Princess For Christmas (starring Katie McGrath and Roger Moore), A Royal Christmas (Lacey Chabert, Jane Seymour), and Crown For Christmas (Danica McKellar, Rupert Penry-Jones)—is speculating about the alternate histories that gave rise to all these culturally English micro-kingdoms.

(A Royal Christmas, for example, is set in the sovereign state of Cordinia, "near the south of France." (It was filmed in Bucharest, probably at the height of summer.) If I had to lay money, I'd guess that Cordinia is descended from Angevin Gascony, which in this universe remained in English hands after the Hundred Years' War. It broke away during the religious convulsions of the 16th century, but by that time the aristocracy had adopted English names and customs, distancing themselves from their more Gallic subjects. Class stratification remains marked to this day, which goes some way towards explaining Queen Isadora's hostility towards commoners.)
posted by Iridic at 4:18 PM on November 29, 2017 [65 favorites]

As an aside, it looks like EW is having some trouble where Disqus threads are showing up under multiple/wrong posts.
posted by brundlefly at 4:22 PM on November 29, 2017

speculating about the alternate histories that gave rise to all these culturally English micro-kingdoms

More world leaders get educated in the UK than anywhere else (narrowly ahead of the US) so I suppose that might influence things in fictional microstate royal minds. Nothing like boarding school in the home counties from 5-18 then Oxbridge to build fictional character.

The only question for me after I saw A Christmas Prince at the top of the page on Netflix was which day of Advent my SO will be watching it.
posted by biffa at 4:40 PM on November 29, 2017 [4 favorites]

Hah, I just watched this because I've been really sick and running out of fluffy things to watch. The movie is a complete train wreck for all the reasons the review states, but it was still fun to watch. It's another typical Christmas rom com... I went into it not expecting much. Thanks for posting this review, it is hilarious.
posted by FireFountain at 4:41 PM on November 29, 2017 [1 favorite]

Yippee-kay-ae mother fucker!!

Not a Christmas movie. Might as well put a Santa hat on a Xenomorph.
posted by Beholder at 4:45 PM on November 29, 2017 [1 favorite]

please do not fuck the mogwai after midnight and definitely do not get them wet

Hey, Mogwai deserve foreplay just as much as anyone else.
posted by leotrotsky at 5:09 PM on November 29, 2017 [5 favorites]

I for one would be totally cool with "A Very Aliens Christmas"
posted by sexyrobot at 5:09 PM on November 29, 2017 [9 favorites]

I for one would be totally cool with "A Very Aliens Christmas"

posted by sexyrobot

Eponyominous!
posted by Songdog at 5:18 PM on November 29, 2017 [1 favorite]

I think I was just prescribed Aldovia for my night-sweats.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:34 PM on November 29, 2017 [9 favorites]

This is why Die Hard rules.
posted by Ideefixe at 5:38 PM on November 29, 2017 [1 favorite]

I enjoyed the review. You'd have to pay me to watch that movie.
posted by orange swan at 5:39 PM on November 29, 2017 [4 favorites]

Other than A Christmas Story, I can't think of one that isn't either overly sentimental, goofy, or dumb

OK, so I don't like that one but Elf is all the rest and is the best Christmas movie ever.

(OK, the The Muppet Christmas Carol is also a contender.)
posted by sjswitzer at 5:47 PM on November 29, 2017 [3 favorites]

We hosted a Hallmark Christmas movie pajama party last year and ... it sounds like we’re doing it again this year. But with Netflix. Because this really does sound magnificent.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:48 PM on November 29, 2017 [4 favorites]

Other than A Christmas Story, I can't think of one that isn't either overly sentimental, goofy, or dumb.

come on, my dude, The Nightmare Before Christmas
of course it's super sentimental for goths, but if you like severed heads on your wreaths you can't beat it
posted by Countess Elena at 5:55 PM on November 29, 2017 [7 favorites]

Not a Christmas movie. Might as well put a Santa hat on a Xenomorph.

This belongs in the "Die Hard is Definitely a Christmas Movie" thread.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 5:58 PM on November 29, 2017 [5 favorites]

Rudolph: How many drops is this for you, Santa?
Saint Nicolas: Thirty eight... simulated.
Reindeer Blitzen: How many *Christmas* drops?
Saint Nicolas: Uh, two. Including this one.
Reindeer Donner: Shit.
Private Hudson: Oh, man...
posted by glonous keming at 6:07 PM on November 29, 2017 [20 favorites]

I enjoyed the review. You'd have to pay me to watch that movie.

Back in the 90s, a friend and I lived together for a few years and for a long time we subscribed to TV Guide even though we didn't have a TV, because we had figured out we liked reading about TV more than we liked watching it. We were totally ripe for the Television Without Pity/AVClub recap era.
posted by Orlop at 6:14 PM on November 29, 2017 [8 favorites]

Also, I like this genre of writing about TV, movies, and books. Call it the "affectionate take-down."
posted by Orlop at 6:15 PM on November 29, 2017 [9 favorites]

I watched this like the day it showed up on Netflix as Netflix pushed it to the top of my recs based on my prior love of bad rags-to-royalty movies. It was a glorious mess.

The adoption part was particularly bizarre, and the ending of the movie felt super-rushed!

And yes, the notes she takes are utterly insane.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:20 PM on November 29, 2017 [8 favorites]

This thread has inspired me to watch it, right now. woot!
posted by naturesgreatestmiracle at 6:39 PM on November 29, 2017 [3 favorites]

The review was great, but it always tickles me when you get to the end of something like that and then, matter-of-fact on the last line, it says something like:

A Christmas Prince is currently streaming on Netflix.
posted by ckape at 6:43 PM on November 29, 2017 [5 favorites]

I was up for a terrible movie but lost it with the one-year-only interregnum. ??.

this is also the root of my main problem with Frozen: why do both the king and queen leave "seeking advice" without their daughter who a) might need to be there to be diagnosed and b) could make a pycrete ship on demand and save them from shipwreck? Then c) the kingdom doesn't collapse while Elsa is growing up, so I'd assume it has a working govt outside the monarchy, except d) the cad-prince is the guy distributing vital supplies during the freeze.
posted by clew at 6:54 PM on November 29, 2017 [1 favorite]

omg, yes! How timely. I just watched this the other night because Netflix knows that I have watched like a dozen rom-coms in the past month plus all of iZombie twice, so the big banner ad for this has been at the top of my Netflix screen constantly.

It was... not good. But I watched it anyway! And now I get to enjoy this delightful snark, which is the best part about having watched not-good movies. So thank you for posting!
posted by aka burlap at 6:54 PM on November 29, 2017 [4 favorites]

Seriously those notes are on the level of a Wet Hot American Summer sight gag.
posted by Navelgazer at 6:55 PM on November 29, 2017 [7 favorites]

Also, just to re-highlight this:

"You are watching this with a glass of wine and two other tabs open, and we made this film with a glass of wine and two other tabs open.”

Accurate!
posted by aka burlap at 6:55 PM on November 29, 2017 [2 favorites]

OK, I promise I'll stop posting now but also this is hilarious and accurate:

"This film is such a perfect amalgam of established tropes that I am not entirely convinced that isn’t a pseudonym to keep us from discovering that Netflix has created the artificial-intelligence technology to generate a script using auto-complete."

Also, I like this genre of writing about TV, movies, and books. Call it the "affectionate take-down."

I agree with Orlop; this is an excellent genre. Snarky reviews/recaps of the Bachelor franchise are especially satisfying and entertaining. Ooh, and if you have some time to while away, Jessica Goldstein's House of Cards recaps on Vulture are another truly excellent example of this.
posted by aka burlap at 7:08 PM on November 29, 2017 [1 favorite]

But see — at most (all?) publications, editors are a more senior position than writers.

Oh, this. I’d kill to edit instead of write. Someday, if I’m a very good girl, just maybe...
posted by greermahoney at 7:17 PM on November 29, 2017 [2 favorites]

Netflix has created the artificial-intelligence technology to generate a script using auto-complete.

Ok if this is true then Alien Christmas needs to happen.
posted by condour75 at 7:31 PM on November 29, 2017 [1 favorite]

You know, in fairness, "oldest male relative" is not an uncommon method of succession.
posted by Chrysostom at 7:42 PM on November 29, 2017

I watched this! Glass of wine and two tabs is totally accurate. I think it could have been a really fun mess but I found the leads to be pretty bland and the whole movie is so paint by numbers.
posted by TheLateGreatAbrahamLincoln at 7:48 PM on November 29, 2017 [1 favorite]

If anyone is looking for more terrible streaming Christmas movies, my friends randomly put on "A Christmas Horror Story" on Thanksgiving. Not sure if it was Netflix or Prime (cause they were looking through both). It was terrible, but if you're drunk and have people to make fun of it with you, it might be what you're looking for.
posted by threeturtles at 8:24 PM on November 29, 2017

The bit about Chicago/glass of wine and two tabs was pretty funny, but much of the rest of it commits the cardinal sin of snark, Trying Too Hard. Like the whole bit where Schwartz seems terribly confused by the fact that not every monarchical country has the same laws regarding the monarchy, such as who crowns them and their current laws of succession. IANAEOTVEM (I Am Not An Expert On The Various European Monarchies), but I'd assume that the smaller and less-well-known the nation, the more likely that their laws are unnecessarily complex and unfathomable to outsiders, especially regarding the monarchy. Like, maybe Simon doesn't automatically succeed, even though he's technically next in line, because his great-aunt Wilfrida killed a stoat at Lammastide while the moon was full. If Simon wants a crack at the throne, he has to defeat, not Richard, but a champion of Richard's who is likewise determined by very complicated formulas and customs and ends up being Natalie Dormer. (Not Natalie Dormer playing a character, Natalie Dormer.)

And the Microsoft Wordiness of the adoption document kind of makes sense because you want something written legibly enough to read for the few seconds that it's on screen. Although it would have been fun to have the thing written in some incomprehensible Brythonic blackletter script, but with a post-it note stuck on it saying, "Translation: Richard's adopted." Heck, maybe I should have done the thing; it would still have the same basic plot, but been larded with all this convoluted King Ralph-tributing stuff, and still had the kissy-face stuff that I presume this ends with, but also with Natalie Dormer throwing down the ritual dueling weapon (kind of a twisty cudgel made from dried cod) in disgust.
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:33 PM on November 29, 2017 [2 favorites]

speculating about the alternate histories that gave rise to all these culturally English micro-kingdoms.

A kindred spirit! You might be interested in my ramblings about Zamunda, the tiny African monarchy from Coming to America...
posted by traveler_ at 8:40 PM on November 29, 2017 [6 favorites]

The only Christmas movie that has mattered since 2014 is Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever starring Grumpy Cat and Aubrey Plaza as the voice of Grumpy Cat. But I will watch this as well, anyway.
posted by lefty lucky cat at 9:35 PM on November 29, 2017 [5 favorites]

I can confirm that an alcoholic beverage increases the enjoyment of this film by about 1500%. Either that or it decreased my facility for eye-rolling by a whole lot.
posted by naturesgreatestmiracle at 9:55 PM on November 29, 2017 [1 favorite]

Other than A Christmas Story, I can't think of one that isn't either overly sentimental, goofy, or dumb

Six words: Shit Happens When You Party Naked.
posted by adamgreenfield at 9:56 PM on November 29, 2017 [3 favorites]

This sounds high-larious and I will probably watch it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:16 PM on November 29, 2017

"King Richard is not mentally sound, and he should be deposed."
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 7:32 AM on November 30, 2017 [3 favorites]

I couldn't find my Hallmark prince movie on the list above, until I realized I had watched My Summer Prince. So you can still find this treacle-y stuff all year round. Yay? I've been taping a lot of these off the Hallmark channel. I'm shopping less this year, so struggling to find ways, even risible ones, to feel more festive.
posted by puddledork at 11:30 AM on November 30, 2017

So there were two movies released weeks apart called A Christmas Prince and My Christmas Prince? Very creative.

Also, My Christmas Prince is STAR-STUDDED. Marina Sirtis! Parker Stevenson! Pamela Sue Martin!
posted by Chrysostom at 1:40 PM on December 7, 2017

Everyone must next watch The Spirit of Christmas, available on Netflix but not Netflix Canada, about a hipster ghost who is corporeal for the (wrong) 12 days of Christmas and also wants to be a mixologist.
posted by jeather at 6:23 PM on December 9, 2017 [4 favorites]

To the 53 people who've watched A Christmas Prince every day for the past 18 days: Who hurt you? - @netflix
posted by ODiV at 11:23 PM on December 10, 2017 [4 favorites]