Spoiler: Zelda is the boy.

December 21, 2017 5:18 AM

Today, I schooled some total dinguses who didn’t know which character was Zelda. [via]
posted by signal (198 comments total)

Top-shelf trolling, in the original sense of the word.
posted by tobascodagama at 5:29 AM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]

It's like she looked at the 13,000 signatures on the petition to "remove" Last Jedi from canon and thought: "Those boys look like they could be a fun toy to play with."

God, I love it so much.
posted by The Bellman at 5:38 AM on December 21, 2017 [28 favorites]

So um, I starting playing the original Zelda back in the 80’s and my mind just kinda made link into Zelda and the character I was playing was a girl and that stuck in my head. And now I’m trans. Ergo Zelda made me trans.
posted by Annika Cicada at 5:39 AM on December 21, 2017 [70 favorites]

the 13,000 signatures on the petition to "remove" Last Jedi from canon

facepalm.jpg

I'm not much into Star Wars or Internet fan drama, so I don't know what this is all about. I assume it's just more entitled white/male/cishet nerds whining that they're being asked to identify with characters who aren't white/male/cishet. (Usually a safe bet.)

But, even putting the content of their complaint aside: who fucking cares? Who gets so wrapped up in goddamn Star Wars that they start an outraged petition (even a stupid Internet petition) to demand that the creators withdraw a movie from canon (whatever that would even mean)? If anyone ever doubts that privilege and white/male fragility is a thing, this is Exhibit A. Buncha snowflakes.

It's a movie. If you like it, watch it. If you don't, then watch something else – or go outside. This sense of self-righteous entitlement that pop-culture nerds have about their pop culture is just...pathetic.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 5:56 AM on December 21, 2017 [15 favorites]

My favorite part of #ZeldaIsTheBoy is the reclamation and weaponization of 'Actually…' .
posted by signal at 6:02 AM on December 21, 2017 [35 favorites]

they’re just mad because princess starwars in the new movie is so much cooler than luke starwars in the original
posted by murphy slaw at 6:03 AM on December 21, 2017 [45 favorites]

uhg. Is this the same crowd that thought killing nazis in fucking Wolfenstein was somehow unfair to nazis? Or just people who can't follow a very basic narrative.

The former, troll away, this is fun. The latter, they have some intellectual impairment, leave them alone.
posted by adept256 at 6:09 AM on December 21, 2017

who fucking cares? Who gets so wrapped up in goddamn Star Wars...

Have you ever met one of these guys? There's a guy at work I can't even say "Star Wars" around because I don't have enough hours in the day to hear him complain about The Force Awakens and blah blah his childhood. I'm not sure he's even seen it, he originally wasn't going to on principle because, I dunno, it didn't align with book 5 from the Han Solo comic book series or some shit.

He also voted for Trump.
posted by bondcliff at 6:12 AM on December 21, 2017 [21 favorites]

Oh god I have a friend who liked Ready Player One and didn't like The Force Awakens and I don't think I want to know what he thinks of any other pop culture ever. Although I'm at least reasonably certain he'd have a sense of humor about #zeldaistheboy.
posted by uncleozzy at 6:15 AM on December 21, 2017 [10 favorites]

Spoiler 2.0: "Zelda" is a cat, Curious Zelda.
posted by Carol Anne at 6:19 AM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

Obligatory Boumeries comic from yesterday.
posted by jillithd at 6:52 AM on December 21, 2017

the 13,000 signatures on the petition to "remove" Last Jedi from canon


wat
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:00 AM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

From the comments in the "via" link: This is a common misconception. Zelda is the scientist. You’re thinking of Zelda’s Monster.

That's pretty great.
posted by AgentRocket at 7:03 AM on December 21, 2017 [40 favorites]

Way to jump the gun. Zelda Day is still 5 days away. ;)
posted by filthy light thief at 7:24 AM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

SHIGERU MIYAMOTO: "In the future, if you're wondering: 'Zelda, boy? I don't know," is when I decided to kick your ass."
posted by cortex at 7:28 AM on December 21, 2017 [12 favorites]

I'm over trolling. This is as funny as a 30 minute standup set about airplane food. I took a shit this morning that was a better joke than this.
posted by GuyZero at 7:47 AM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

Thanks for sharing! I thought this was pretty funny.
posted by Aizkolari at 7:53 AM on December 21, 2017 [7 favorites]

The whole "Link" thing always took me by surprise and confused my daughters. Because we followed the instructions at the beginning of these games and gave the protagonist a name. And it certainly wasn't "Link." It always made me a little sad to think of all those people who played Zelda using that odd placeholder rather than thinking up a name of their own. It's like calling your pet "Dog."

Now, of course, I just name the protagonist "Zelda" to annoy the fanboys that are constantly watching over my shoulder when I play.

(Also the playable characters in Final Fantasy IX are named Monkeyboy, Orco, Diana, Buzz, Freya, Logan, Julia, and Pippi.)
posted by straight at 7:57 AM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

guys can we please focus on how Zelda is the boy
posted by cortex at 8:15 AM on December 21, 2017 [53 favorites]

...and Metroid is the girl.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:16 AM on December 21, 2017 [23 favorites]

The rule in our house is that the playable character in a Zelda game is the diminutive form of your name. Also, if you can name a horse, name it Sheena. Because that was my actual horse's name, thanks to my cousin who named her. For some reason my cousin was sure that "Sheena Queen of the Jungle" was an appropriate name for a shaggy overgrown pony. In Minecraft though every horse gets named George.
posted by caution live frogs at 8:17 AM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

Metroids are the aliens. Samus is the boy.
posted by adept256 at 8:18 AM on December 21, 2017 [7 favorites]

also, "Zelda is the boy" is now the third Google result for "Zelda" Somebody needs to write a taxonomy of snark and trolling, otherwise it's gonna confuse the heck out of future digital archaeologists. (assuming anything survives, the move from durable clay tablets to papyrus was devastating for historians of ancient Mesopotamian history, the move to digital might prove even worse)
posted by leotrotsky at 8:19 AM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

Metroids are the aliens. Samus is the boy.

Mother brain is the girl. It's right there in her name. Also she's really smart.

Zero Suit is the boy. He's Japanese.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:21 AM on December 21, 2017 [6 favorites]

Metroid is the planet. It's planet Metroid. Samas is the ball. You have to go to the planet and kill the Chozo pirates, who kidnapped your friends who are also balls, which is why you get happy music every time you rescue another one from the Chozo pirate corpse that is grasping it in secret rooms.
posted by cortex at 8:22 AM on December 21, 2017 [7 favorites]

We need to leave instructions for future archeologists on how to blow on the cartridge.
posted by adept256 at 8:22 AM on December 21, 2017 [7 favorites]

Castlevania is the boy. Simon Belmont is the wall-turkey.

I think I'm doing this wrong.
posted by uncleozzy at 8:25 AM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]

Toad is the person. Mushroom is the hat.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:28 AM on December 21, 2017 [7 favorites]

This is friggin' hilarious and it really hit the spot for me today, thank you. :)
posted by agregoli at 8:29 AM on December 21, 2017

Mario is the baby.
posted by adept256 at 8:30 AM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

seriously thought Zelda is totally the boy. I mean, No matter how you want to be pedantically correct according to the dialog and the story and canon and all rational queues to the gameplay, when you are playing Zelda, at some point you are Zelda the Boy, not this "Link" person. That's just the phenomena that occurs. the "Zelda Paradox" if you will.
posted by Annika Cicada at 8:31 AM on December 21, 2017

Castlevania is the boy.

No Alucard is the boy, Castlevania is the girl. Carmilla is the country they're in.

Link is the verb.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:33 AM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]

That's just the phenomena that occurs. the "Zelda Paradox" if you will.

When you're trying to fire through a nearby brazier to set a distant thing on fire to solve a puzzle, it's known specifically as "Zelda's Arrow".
posted by cortex at 8:34 AM on December 21, 2017 [8 favorites]

Sinbad played the genie in that one movie from the 90s. #RIPSinbad
posted by belarius at 8:34 AM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

The metroid is the gun-suit. A single alien is a samus, multiple aliens are sami.
posted by Groundhog Week at 8:34 AM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

Zero is the name of the track you keep falling off. F Zero is what you say about it. The car has no name.
posted by cortex at 8:35 AM on December 21, 2017 [13 favorites]

("What about the name of the driver inside the car?" No. There is no driver. F-Zero is a far-future dystopian sequel in the Cars franchise.)
posted by cortex at 8:36 AM on December 21, 2017 [11 favorites]

Zelda is the character, Link is their gender. Everyone calling Zelda "link" is being as condescending as addressing someone as just "boy" or "girl". Hyrule is full of assholes.
posted by Roommate at 8:36 AM on December 21, 2017 [17 favorites]

Octorok is the genre.
posted by cortex at 8:37 AM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

Zelda is a punk rocker.
posted by ardgedee at 8:37 AM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]

Ganon was the pig demon, Ganon Dorf was the actor who played the bad guy in Blade 1.
posted by Groundhog Week at 8:39 AM on December 21, 2017 [10 favorites]

Ripley is the alien.
posted by quinndexter at 8:40 AM on December 21, 2017

Zelda is the character, Link is their gender.

mind-fucking-blown.jpg
posted by Annika Cicada at 8:40 AM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]

Zelda being the boy is ganon; Zelda/Zora is just headganon.
posted by cortex at 8:41 AM on December 21, 2017 [20 favorites]

Kong is the plumber. Mario is the donkey.
posted by oulipian at 8:44 AM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

The rule in our house is that the playable character in a Zelda game is the diminutive form of your name. Also, if you can name a horse, name it Sheena. Because that was my actual horse's name, thanks to my cousin who named her. For some reason my cousin was sure that "Sheena Queen of the Jungle" was an appropriate name for a shaggy overgrown pony. In Minecraft though every horse gets named George.

I mean, those are just sensible rules.
posted by Navelgazer at 8:46 AM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

Zelda is the character, Link is their gender. Everyone calling Zelda "link" is being as condescending as addressing someone as just "boy" or "girl". Hyrule is full of assholes.

“Oh my God, Zelda, You can't just ask someone why they're Link.”
posted by leotrotsky at 8:46 AM on December 21, 2017 [20 favorites]

The bike is excited.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:47 AM on December 21, 2017 [18 favorites]

Mario is a series of tubes. Luigi is just spanish for Louis.
posted by Groundhog Week at 8:47 AM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

Paperboy is the girl.
posted by Navelgazer at 8:47 AM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

Blaster Master is the frog.
posted by cortex at 8:48 AM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

the 13,000 signatures on the petition to "remove" Last Jedi from canon

wat

Angry fans petitioned to shut down Rotten Tomatoes after Batman V Superman got such awful reviews. I'm sure some, if not most, of them were joking but there's certainly a contingent in fan groups that has only the most tenuous connection to reality.
posted by Sangermaine at 8:48 AM on December 21, 2017

Do a barrel roll, sonic
posted by Groundhog Week at 8:59 AM on December 21, 2017 [8 favorites]

Folks, Legend of Zelda was from an earlier time, when naming conventions were not yet established. What we'd now call your "player character" or "avatar" in the game was translated as "Link" in 1985.

Zelda was the player's "link" to the game. You are "linked" to Zelda, and able to play as Zelda.
posted by explosion at 9:02 AM on December 21, 2017 [12 favorites]

Aeris is the planet. Sephiroth is the head of that monster that is just a head. Vincent is the gunblade guy.

not sure i'm doing this right either
posted by seyirci at 9:03 AM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

Zelda Gilroy had the hots, Thalia Menninger was the hots.

(God, how pathetic is getting old anyways?)
posted by Chitownfats at 9:11 AM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

The boy and his blob are both the boy.
posted by cortex at 9:12 AM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

Dangerous To Go Alone is the name of the wooden sword. Take This is the name of the boy band.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:17 AM on December 21, 2017 [15 favorites]

Zelda is the character, Link is their gender. Everyone calling Zelda "link" is being as condescending as addressing someone as just "boy" or "girl". Hyrule is full of assholes.

I apologize for my eponysterical Link-erasure rant.
posted by straight at 9:17 AM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

The master is the duck. The blaster is the dog.
posted by leotrotsky at 9:17 AM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

Actually, Zelda is the name of the band. The guy's name is Donald Fagen.
posted by mhum at 9:18 AM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]

"Quake" is the name of the doomed space marine.
posted by straight at 9:19 AM on December 21, 2017 [8 favorites]

Actually, Zelda is the name of the band. The guy's name is Donald Fagen.

Little known fact, Link was originally Chevy Chase. They were at Hyrule College together in a band called Leather Navi.
posted by leotrotsky at 9:20 AM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

"Please. 'Tomb Raider' was my father. Ms. Raider is fine."
posted by straight at 9:20 AM on December 21, 2017 [13 favorites]

Actually, Larry is the name of the leisure suit.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:21 AM on December 21, 2017 [16 favorites]

"Quake" is the name of the doomed space marine.

No, Wolfenstein is the marine.
posted by leotrotsky at 9:21 AM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

The band is just fantastic
That is really what I think
Oh by the way
Which one's Link
posted by cortex at 9:21 AM on December 21, 2017 [13 favorites]

"The hedgehog's name is Spyro. It's right there in the title."
posted by straight at 9:23 AM on December 21, 2017

The space marine is named Dominguez, or Dom for short. "Doom" is the protracted cry of the cacodemon who is excited to see him.
posted by cortex at 9:23 AM on December 21, 2017 [6 favorites]

No, Wolfenstein is the marine.

Actually, Wolfenstein is the name of the German Shepherd.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:23 AM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

No, the German Shepherd is named "Mein Leben," that's why they're always calling for her.
posted by leotrotsky at 9:25 AM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]

The robot dog actually is named Liesel, though.
posted by tobascodagama at 9:30 AM on December 21, 2017

Paperboy is the girl.

Tornadoes are the patriarchy.
posted by biogeo at 9:38 AM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

Joshua is the modem. Global Thermonuclear War is the boy.
posted by cortex at 9:38 AM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

The band is just fantastic
That is really what I think
Oh by the way
Which one's Link

I love that song. It's from my favorite Genesis album.
posted by Groundhog Week at 9:41 AM on December 21, 2017 [6 favorites]

Joshua is the modem. Global Thermonuclear War is the boy.

Norad is the boy. DAVID is the acronym for the military base. WOPR is the sandwich.
posted by leotrotsky at 9:41 AM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

Qix is the name of the spark.
posted by bondcliff at 9:43 AM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

Pac-man is her occupation. Her name is Link.
posted by moonmilk at 9:45 AM on December 21, 2017

The game Q-Bert was played on a square grid. The character Q-Bert had severe astigmatism.
posted by ardgedee at 9:46 AM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

The "Madness" existed inside the Marble's head. The game took place in a snowglobe.
posted by bondcliff at 9:47 AM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]

Actually, all turtles are mutant ninjas.
The unusual part was that a fearsome fighting team would be made up of teenagers.
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:49 AM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

Parzival was actually Player Two.
posted by bondcliff at 9:50 AM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

SPOILER: When you get to the center of the galaxy, the aliens say, "The sky is yours now, Noman."
posted by straight at 9:51 AM on December 21, 2017 [12 favorites]

Street Fighter was the name of the movie. Street Fighter: The Movie was the name of the game.
posted by Roommate at 9:52 AM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]

PUBG is a game about collecting friends. You run around and try to turn strangers into your friends before other people can befriend them.

The in-game text about bullets and kills is just translator error.
posted by ardgedee at 9:52 AM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

Morton Kombat is the name of the main character of the game.
posted by cortex at 9:52 AM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

PUBG is a game about collecting friends.

Playerunknown is the airplane.
posted by cortex at 9:53 AM on December 21, 2017

The gun actually belonged to MacGuffin, Chekov was the prop-master's name.
posted by achrise at 9:54 AM on December 21, 2017 [10 favorites]

DARYL is the Navigator. Atreyu is the flight. Falcor is the racing snail.
posted by leotrotsky at 9:55 AM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

I mean, it's in the name: PlayerUnknown's Buddy Gatherer
posted by ardgedee at 9:56 AM on December 21, 2017

Actually, Daryl is the Hall. John is the Oates.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:57 AM on December 21, 2017 [11 favorites]

Mario is actually the building superintendent.
posted by cortex at 9:59 AM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

I love that song. It's from my favorite Genesis album.

they were never quite as good after Mega Drive left
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:00 AM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

Jesus, this is getting weird fast.
posted by wenestvedt at 10:00 AM on December 21, 2017 [10 favorites]

Pokemon is my favorite pikachu.
posted by ardgedee at 10:00 AM on December 21, 2017 [6 favorites]

Actually, Daryl is the Hall. John is the Oates.

Actually, the song "Maneater" was written for the Jaws 3-D soundtrack.
posted by Atom Eyes at 10:02 AM on December 21, 2017

The vault dweller's name is fallout boy.
posted by Groundhog Week at 10:04 AM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

Us is the name of the character all your base belong to.
posted by adept256 at 10:06 AM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

SPOILER: When you get to the center of the galaxy, the aliens say, "The sky is yours now, Noman."

The Psycho is the Mom, Noman Bates. The mom is Circe, crazy from Theseus abandoning her and her son drowning in Crystal Lake because of the Sirens.
posted by leotrotsky at 10:06 AM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

Hank Hill is the main guy in Silent Hill.
posted by cortex at 10:07 AM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]

Jeoffrey is the Donkey Kong of the Seven Kingdoms. Manos is the Hand of the Kong. Pelennor is the open field, Ned!
posted by leotrotsky at 10:09 AM on December 21, 2017

The song is called "of Puppets", but James got confused by the label on the master copy.
posted by bondcliff at 10:14 AM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]

The title of the US release of "Street Fighter" was actually the result of a translation error. It was supposed to be called "Fighter Street" which is, of course, the name of the street where all the fighting is happening.
posted by mhum at 10:14 AM on December 21, 2017

Luigi is the best Mario.
posted by ardgedee at 10:15 AM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

Mario is the Princess you're rescuing. The heroes are "Mario's Bros," Luigi and Seth.

Mario doesn't hold any animosity toward the public for the confusion. He's a real Peach.
posted by explosion at 10:17 AM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]

The spaceships are defending their home planet. You are the invader.
posted by bondcliff at 10:17 AM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]

No, "Lord British" is the king. And the game designer. "Ultima" is just the name of the player's avatar.
posted by straight at 10:18 AM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

Kid Icarus is the name of the boy, Pit is the name of the endocarp-enclosed seed inside him
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:19 AM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

Meta cortex is the site. Filter is how you avoid the pills. Commenters are the voices.
posted by leotrotsky at 10:20 AM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]

Al Gore meant to fund development of the “inner net” to help fishermen optimize their trawling operations but a spelling error accidentally funded the Internet to help netizens optimize their trolling operations.
posted by Annika Cicada at 10:26 AM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

Actually, in the future Urth will be too bright to look at directly.
posted by bdc34 at 10:28 AM on December 21, 2017

Meta cortex is the site. Filter is how you avoid the pills. Commenters are the voices.

The voices that whisper in your sleep are the things you listen to. The voices that whisper in your sleep are the things you must be mindful of.
posted by tobascodagama at 10:30 AM on December 21, 2017

People. They aren't "Star Wars". They are "Star War blocks." Sorry if I BLEW YOUR MINDS.
posted by freecellwizard at 10:33 AM on December 21, 2017 [8 favorites]

People. They aren't "Star Wars". They are "Star War blocks." Sorry if I BLEW YOUR MINDS.

..and they don't realize it, but they're all getting glued in place by Daddy Warblocks.

As a result, it's a Hard Block life, for them.
posted by leotrotsky at 10:36 AM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]

star wars is about wars between the stars themselves

the jedi and the stormtroopers and all of them, they're antibodies and viruses
posted by XtinaS at 10:36 AM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

the jedis are the midichlorians
posted by cortex at 10:38 AM on December 21, 2017 [6 favorites]

the jedis are the midichlorians

THE POWERHOUSE OF THE FORCE
posted by XtinaS at 10:43 AM on December 21, 2017 [6 favorites]

Actually, in the future Urth will be too bright to look at directly.

Actually, it's called Ushas once Severian has brought the New Sun.
posted by straight at 10:45 AM on December 21, 2017

SPOILER: When you get to the center of the galaxy, the aliens say, "The sky is yours now, Noman."

This is an easy mistake to make, but actually, the sky belongs to Odysseus.
posted by Itaxpica at 10:48 AM on December 21, 2017 [6 favorites]

The plural of Legos is Legos.
posted by ardgedee at 10:52 AM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

Actually, the console is called Nintendo, it's made by the NES company.
posted by uncleozzy at 10:56 AM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

Alley is the girl you play as; Hogan is your murdered brother who you are avenging.
posted by cortex at 10:57 AM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

Peanuts was the name of Snoopy's owner.
posted by ardgedee at 11:00 AM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

Lucky Charms are only delicious if you can taste magic.
posted by bondcliff at 11:00 AM on December 21, 2017

Dark Souls is a metaphor for Zelda. Dark Souls is also the boy.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:01 AM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

Common misconception, but "Master Chief" is just a rank. Halo is the name of the pretty cool guy who doesn't afraid of anything.
posted by Roommate at 11:12 AM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

The plural of Legos is Legos.

No, properly conjugated it's Legolas.
posted by leotrotsky at 11:13 AM on December 21, 2017 [12 favorites]

Also Moloch is the boy.*

*Oh, you didn't get the reference? You don't watch that show? THAT'S WHY IT'S GETTING CANCELED! It's all your fault!!
posted by leotrotsky at 11:14 AM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

Citizen is the name of the cane. Rosebud is what he calls his asshole.
posted by slogger at 11:15 AM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

wow
posted by Space Kitty at 11:18 AM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

MegaMan and Metroid are both games about Samus Aran where she's wearing different power suits.
posted by cortex at 11:20 AM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]

Actually his name is Sam, they just wanted you to know that he is from the US.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:21 AM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

> No, properly conjugated it's Legolas.

That's only in the Romance languages with gendered nouns for which the singular is Legola.
posted by ardgedee at 11:22 AM on December 21, 2017

Citizen is the name of the cane. Caine is from Kung Fu. Foo is Bar. Bar’chu et adonai Ham’vorach.
posted by leotrotsky at 11:23 AM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

"Fantasy" is actually the name of the last of the four white mages in your adventuring party.
posted by cortex at 11:25 AM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

the girl's name is Phantasy, she's the Star of the game
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:27 AM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

> No, properly conjugated it's Legolas.

No, that's only in the Romance languages with gendered nouns for which the singular is Legola.

Actually, Tony, I think you'll find it's Legolas. It comes from the Sindarin, "You are pretty." That makes it a verb, not a noun.
posted by leotrotsky at 11:27 AM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

Street Fighter II is the son of Street Fighter. When he does the Dragon's Punch, he yells "I AM STREET FIGHTER!"
posted by ignignokt at 11:28 AM on December 21, 2017

Double Dragon is actually the sequel to Just Got The One Dragon.
posted by cortex at 11:29 AM on December 21, 2017 [9 favorites]

Faxanadu is about Faxanadu, the scion of the Faxanadudes.
posted by ignignokt at 11:29 AM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

Zelda are the friends we made along the way
posted by cnelson at 11:30 AM on December 21, 2017 [11 favorites]

Actually Ryu is responding to his opponents asking if they can have a glass of Dragon Punch by saying, "sure, you can."
posted by uncleozzy at 11:30 AM on December 21, 2017 [6 favorites]

The hero of Chrono Trigger is…wait.
posted by ignignokt at 11:31 AM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

Tetris is the guy who is dancing in the cutscene.
posted by cortex at 11:31 AM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

John Castlevania was so good at both whip and at jump!
posted by ignignokt at 11:32 AM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

It was great when he married Metroid and then had baby Metroidvania.
posted by ignignokt at 11:33 AM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

You actually play as Scrolls; Elder Scrolls is the name of your father.
posted by cortex at 11:33 AM on December 21, 2017 [12 favorites]

Rogue is the boy who likes Hacking @ the Net.
posted by leotrotsky at 11:37 AM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

The new Turing Test will be to distinguish comments this thread from a Markov chain chatbot.
posted by leotrotsky at 11:43 AM on December 21, 2017 [10 favorites]

The hero of Chrono Trigger is…wait.

Good morning, Trigger!
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:44 AM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

The hero of Chrono Trigger is…wait.

Trigger is the Indian. Ranger Tonto is the horse.
posted by leotrotsky at 11:46 AM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

Time is a bottle. You can save things in it.
posted by valkane at 11:47 AM on December 21, 2017

Zelda was my grandmother's name. She was also the boy.
posted by Laura Palmer's Cold Dead Kiss at 11:54 AM on December 21, 2017 [7 favorites]

I am the guy who is astounded that the decorum of conversations about Star Wars has gone *down* since the playground arguments I had about Return of the Jedi in 1983. My grade three friends and I were the Platonic Academy compared to a lot of today's fanboys.
posted by The Card Cheat at 12:01 PM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]

The map is the territory.
posted by bgrebs at 12:02 PM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

Dune was the pug's name.
posted by cortex at 12:11 PM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

I don't even play video games and this is hilarious.
posted by MovableBookLady at 12:17 PM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

Zero is the name of the track you keep falling off. F Zero is what you say about it. The car has no name.

F. Zero was F. Scott Fitzgerald's father. Zelda Fitzgerald was his son.
posted by The Bellman at 12:29 PM on December 21, 2017 [10 favorites]

F-Zero is the far future linguistic distortion of the name of the original podrace champion, Niles "Frasier" Crane.
posted by cortex at 12:31 PM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

This is an easy mistake to make, but actually, the sky belongs to Odysseus.

Um, actually...
posted by tobascodagama at 12:38 PM on December 21, 2017

Mario is the one with the red hat and blue overalls. Super Mario is the Mario with the green hat.
posted by mhum at 12:53 PM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

hi "waluigi" fits perfectly into the chorus of "hallelujah" ok bye
posted by poffin boffin at 1:03 PM on December 21, 2017 [14 favorites]

Her name was Rad Racer. Brad Racer was her brother.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 1:05 PM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

OK, I had to update my bot that tells you who's in what thing based on the title to include video games.
posted by ignignokt at 1:05 PM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]

I once rolled a perfect 300 in Tecmo Bowling.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 1:10 PM on December 21, 2017

From ignignokt's twitter bot:

In the video game Guitar Hero, you play as the hero, Guitar.

posted by mhum at 1:12 PM on December 21, 2017 [13 favorites]

Actually the mayor is named Rage and these are his streets. Haggar is the brand of his pants.
posted by uncleozzy at 1:14 PM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

hi "waluigi" fits perfectly into the chorus of "hallelujah" ok bye

if you open the ROM dump for the original Mario Bros arcade cab in a hex editor, after some header code and a sprite sheet you can find these lyrics:

they say that there's a secret block
that plumbers stomped with Kuribo's sock
but you don't really like platformers, do ye

it goes like this, up twice, down twice
left right, left right, b a, and, nice:
the contra code unlocks the Waluigi
posted by cortex at 1:14 PM on December 21, 2017 [25 favorites]

I'm over trolling. This is as funny as a 30 minute standup set about airplane food. I took a shit this morning that was a better joke than this.
posted by GuyZero at 10:47 AM on December 21

Really? I'm skeptical.
posted by runcibleshaw at 3:34 PM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

Mea culpa, I overreacted there. I took a dump, turned around, looked down and it said "THE ARISTOCRATS" which honestly, come on, it's been done.
posted by GuyZero at 3:36 PM on December 21, 2017

Well, actually, Zelda is a girl. And she's a cocker spaniel.
posted by Ruki at 3:47 PM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

And she was named for Zelda Fitzgerald, not the video game character, who is a boy.
posted by Ruki at 3:49 PM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

Fitzgerald was the sword, tho
posted by ardgedee at 4:53 PM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

FWIW the correct plurals are "Stars War" and "Dragonz Ball".
posted by glonous keming at 5:05 PM on December 21, 2017 [7 favorites]

Love how you automatically assume the petition author is white and decide to riff on how the petition is due to "cishet" "fragility" without even bothering to find the actual link. The petition author actually takes a moment to specifically disclaim the alt-right. Hey, but why let the source material slow you down from a good riff, right?

Only a white cishet male would have to specifically disclaim the alt-right. Case closed.
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 5:10 PM on December 21, 2017 [6 favorites]

Also, it occurs to me: If you entered ZELDA as your name in the original game, you started the Second Quest right away, and your icon in the game select screen gained a sword. If that's not validation for getting your own name right, I don't know what is!
posted by ignignokt at 5:33 PM on December 21, 2017 [9 favorites]

Actually the mayor is named Rage and these are his streets. Haggar is the brand of his pants.

The comics Haggar is actually the wife. Horrible is the name of the Viking raider.
posted by tobascodagama at 5:40 PM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

Hilda is the name of the broom, Broom is the name of the witch.
posted by Chitownfats at 6:05 PM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

Z.E.L.D.A. is an acronym for Zeppelin Escape Life Driven Automaton.
posted by Sprocket at 9:58 PM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

- ¿Quieres jugar Contra?
- ¿Contra quién?
- Contra los malos. Es Rambo contra los malos.

----

Peach is Princess Bros' maiden name. Then she married Mario Bros, and Luigi Bros was the best man.

(Both 100% true conversations with my cousins)
posted by Index Librorum Prohibitorum at 11:25 PM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

FWIW the correct plurals are "Stars War" and "Dragonz Ball".

I didn't realize that Zombie William Safire was Mefi's Own.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:45 AM on December 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

FWIW the correct plurals are "Stars War" and "Dragonz Ball".

I was just thinking the other day, my kid's pajamas are covered in Millenia Falcon.
posted by condour75 at 7:20 AM on December 22, 2017 [7 favorites]

Blondie is not the name of a person, it's a band whose members are Lynyrd Skynyrd, Pink Floyd, Jethro Tull, and Steely Dan.
posted by condour75 at 7:25 AM on December 22, 2017

And joined sometimes by Fleetwood Mac.
posted by mhum at 7:29 AM on December 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

this reminds me of how smooth sharks are
posted by subtle_squid at 7:45 AM on December 22, 2017 [3 favorites]

Zelda II is actually "Zelda: I, I" and is a slow-burn reference to the doppelganger fight at the end.
posted by cortex at 7:45 AM on December 22, 2017 [4 favorites]

where Zelda fights himself
posted by cortex at 7:45 AM on December 22, 2017

On a side note: going to see the new Star Wars today!
Star is my favorite character, can't wait to see more of her wars!
posted by signal at 8:51 AM on December 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

condour75: Blondie is not the name of a person, it's a band whose members are Lynyrd Skynyrd, Pink Floyd, Jethro Tull, and Steely Dan.


My favorite period is the '90s when they decided they wanted to get more grungy and got a new female lead singer: Catherine Wheel.
posted by signal at 8:55 AM on December 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

Zelda II is subtitled The Adventure of Link. It's a little confusing, but you get to play a pyschic manifestation of the sleeping Princess Link in Zelda II's body. Zelda II is actually the son of Zelda I.
posted by Mister Cheese at 12:04 PM on December 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

The bird is a lie, cake is the word.
posted by Night_owl at 12:10 PM on December 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

True story: I entered this thread not knowing for certain whether "Zelda" is the name of a boy or girl character, having never played the games.

Now I've forgotten my own name and I'm not entirely sure which way is up.
posted by mmoncur at 2:44 PM on December 22, 2017 [11 favorites]

mmoncur is the website
posted by cortex at 2:51 PM on December 22, 2017 [4 favorites]

Mazzy Star is actually the singer.
posted by Annika Cicada at 9:07 AM on December 23, 2017 [2 favorites]

Metafilter: is the name of owner, cortex is the site, as in, "Metafilter: owns cortex"
posted by numaner at 12:26 PM on December 26, 2017 [2 favorites]

Josh MetaFilter inherited MetaFilter from his dad, Matt MetaFilter.
posted by ignignokt at 2:00 PM on December 26, 2017 [3 favorites]

Note: In the original Legend of Zelda, if you name your save file ZELDA, the game will start you off on the fiendishly difficult Second Quest. Game designers can troll people, too.
posted by JHarris at 7:34 PM on December 26, 2017 [1 favorite]

My little nephew has decided that the green brother character in MarioCart is Louie G.
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:29 PM on January 2, 2018 [6 favorites]