The Browns Live In Hell
December 21, 2017 2:13 PM Subscribe
In the season finale of Chart Party, MeFi favorite Jon Bois discusses in detail the suffering that is the Cleveland Browns. (SYLT)
Previously.
Previously.
They are two losses away this season to the perfect (futile) season, 0-16.
And befitting the Browns, they're not even the first team to achieve a perfectly awful season. They just Do. Not. Matter. They're not just horrible, they're invisibly horrible.
posted by NoxAeternum at 2:59 PM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]
And befitting the Browns, they're not even the first team to achieve a perfectly awful season. They just Do. Not. Matter. They're not just horrible, they're invisibly horrible.
posted by NoxAeternum at 2:59 PM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]
Oh man, I hate football, but I have found my totem team! (Don't) Go Browns!
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 2:59 PM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 2:59 PM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]
The fan nickname for their stadium is The Factory of Sadness.
That tells you all you need to know.
posted by NoxAeternum at 3:10 PM on December 21, 2017 [12 favorites]
That tells you all you need to know.
posted by NoxAeternum at 3:10 PM on December 21, 2017 [12 favorites]
Interesting, but there are plenty of sports owners who have lined their pockets by fielding low-cost garbage teams. The Browns annual net profit over this span would be a more telling metric...
posted by jim in austin at 3:13 PM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by jim in austin at 3:13 PM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]
Cleveland used to be a uniformly awful sports town... to this day I have suspicions that it was the reason my father accepted a cross-country transfer from his job and moved the family to Los Angeles. Remember that the Original Browns were a team to replace the Rams, who moved to L.A. in 1946... and the Rams were L.A.'s "underachievers" at the time when the Dodgers, the Lakers and USC & UCLA's college teams were picking up a lot of championships.
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:42 PM on December 21, 2017
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:42 PM on December 21, 2017
If they do go 0-16, there's a guy planning a parade.
posted by Kangaroo at 4:14 PM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Kangaroo at 4:14 PM on December 21, 2017 [3 favorites]
I can only ever think of their name as "Da Brownies" in Myron Cope's singular accent.
posted by octothorpe at 4:41 PM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by octothorpe at 4:41 PM on December 21, 2017 [4 favorites]
Hey kid, welcome to eternal dissapointment
posted by mcmile at 5:10 PM on December 21, 2017 [12 favorites]
posted by mcmile at 5:10 PM on December 21, 2017 [12 favorites]
mcmile, that image got a LOT of Les Mis/Browns mashup memes made about it, because of how much the kid looks like the famous engraving image of Cosette.
posted by NoxAeternum at 5:19 PM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by NoxAeternum at 5:19 PM on December 21, 2017 [5 favorites]
I can't help but feel that the saga of the Browns is somehow linked with the fact that Cleveland inspired Randy Newman's Burn On
posted by Zonker at 6:05 PM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Zonker at 6:05 PM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]
There are so many lines to quote in that video. My favorite has to be, "The Browns' diet is 70% saturated losing."
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 6:42 PM on December 21, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 6:42 PM on December 21, 2017 [6 favorites]
Myron Cope's singular accent. yt
Holy shit.
posted by rhizome at 7:23 PM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]
Holy shit.
posted by rhizome at 7:23 PM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]
To anyone hoping for that perfect terrible season, they do have to get past the Bears this week...
posted by hwyengr at 7:27 PM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by hwyengr at 7:27 PM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]
As a Browns fan who has no memory of the Kardiac Kids or Bernie Kosar and the quote-unquote glory days of Cleveland football, I thought I understood what it was like to be a Browns fan. I only realize now that I needed it broken down in exacting detail to fully appreciate my misery. So...thanks Jon Bois, you're the best!
posted by enjoymoreradio at 7:49 PM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by enjoymoreradio at 7:49 PM on December 21, 2017 [2 favorites]
"But there is a reason, just one reason, for Browns fans to take heart...Just kiddin'"
posted by Chuffy at 12:20 AM on December 22, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by Chuffy at 12:20 AM on December 22, 2017 [4 favorites]
Last year (I think it was last year, I don't pay that close of attention) they couldn't even get a perfect season and screwed it up with a final game win over the Steelers. Living in the heart of Browns country, it's a fun distraction to watch the people who actually give a shit.
posted by slogger at 6:26 AM on December 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by slogger at 6:26 AM on December 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
Now that I watch the video, it appears that I'm completely wrong about that.
posted by slogger at 6:28 AM on December 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by slogger at 6:28 AM on December 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
To anyone hoping for that perfect terrible season, they do have to get past the Bears this week...
The Bears have, improbably, defeated every other team in the AFC North. Normally I would think this means the Browns' perfect season is safe, but it would also be so perfectly Bears for them to beat everyone except the Browns. It's a toss-up.
posted by egregious theorem at 8:27 AM on December 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
The Bears have, improbably, defeated every other team in the AFC North. Normally I would think this means the Browns' perfect season is safe, but it would also be so perfectly Bears for them to beat everyone except the Browns. It's a toss-up.
posted by egregious theorem at 8:27 AM on December 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
You know, like most people I don’t give the Browns much thought but when I saw them play the Packers a few weeks ago, they looked surprisingly competent. Their problems are entirely ownership.
posted by Big Al 8000 at 9:28 AM on December 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Big Al 8000 at 9:28 AM on December 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
The horrible thing is that the players are out there are trying to win, damaging their bodies and brains only to be jeered and booed by the fans and mocked by the world. I can't even bring myself to watch anymore.
Factory of Sadness
Dear Cleveland Browns
A Very Angry Browns Fan Christmas
posted by charred husk at 10:30 AM on December 22, 2017 [5 favorites]
Factory of Sadness
Dear Cleveland Browns
A Very Angry Browns Fan Christmas
posted by charred husk at 10:30 AM on December 22, 2017 [5 favorites]
There's a contingent of Browns fans at a tiny local sports bar here in Alameda CA.
I'm a Vikings fan. A couple of years ago my then-three year old daughter went to the sports bar to watch the Browns-Vikings game. The Browns fans had commandeered the big table in front of the big screen but they were nice enough to let us sit with them.
The Browns beat the Vikings that day. The best part was, my daughter didn't know anything about football except to be excited when someone else was excited so the Browns fans loved her yelling "touchdown!" whenever the Browns scored. In her Vikings jersey. It was pretty funny.
posted by kirkaracha at 9:28 PM on December 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'm a Vikings fan. A couple of years ago my then-three year old daughter went to the sports bar to watch the Browns-Vikings game. The Browns fans had commandeered the big table in front of the big screen but they were nice enough to let us sit with them.
The Browns beat the Vikings that day. The best part was, my daughter didn't know anything about football except to be excited when someone else was excited so the Browns fans loved her yelling "touchdown!" whenever the Browns scored. In her Vikings jersey. It was pretty funny.
posted by kirkaracha at 9:28 PM on December 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
octothorpe: "I can only ever think of their name as "Da Brownies" in Myron Cope's singular accent. "
And, of course, the Cincy Bungles.
You are missed, Myron.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:34 PM on December 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
And, of course, the Cincy Bungles.
You are missed, Myron.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:34 PM on December 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
Fans held a parade to "celebrate" the Browns' "perfect"(ly awful) season.
It went about as well as one would expect.
posted by NoxAeternum at 3:31 PM on January 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
It went about as well as one would expect.
posted by NoxAeternum at 3:31 PM on January 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
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posted by Keith Talent at 2:48 PM on December 21, 2017 [1 favorite]