Nothing Golden Brown and Fried Can Stay
December 28, 2017 4:42 PM   Subscribe

As 2017 comes to an end, the lights will go down on Flavortown for good. Pour one out in remembrance of better times.

Previously, yet more previously.
posted by rewil (62 comments total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
 
Yes, technically it's "Guy Fieri’s Times Square" that's shutting down and not Flavortown but this is a sad moment so allow me this.
posted by rewil at 4:44 PM on December 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


🐴
posted by lalex at 4:46 PM on December 28, 2017 [11 favorites]


2017 takes and it takes and it takes.
posted by Going To Maine at 4:47 PM on December 28, 2017 [35 favorites]


Alas, Flavortown.
posted by The Whelk at 4:50 PM on December 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


Fantastic post title.
posted by Chrysostom at 4:50 PM on December 28, 2017 [15 favorites]


Via Twitter

@osutein

“I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Dragon's Breath Chili on fire off the shoulder of Flavortown. I watched Rajun Cajun Onion Rings glimmer in the grease at diners, drive-ins, and dives. All these flavors will be lost in time, like mayo in the Donkey Sauce. Time to eat.”
posted by The Whelk at 4:54 PM on December 28, 2017 [46 favorites]


Forget it, Guy.
posted by BiggerJ at 4:55 PM on December 28, 2017 [54 favorites]


There was also Behind Flavortown Where a bunch of us went there and ate like a Strange Internet holiday party.

I still have my Occupy Flavortown button somewhere around here....
posted by The Whelk at 4:56 PM on December 28, 2017 [7 favorites]


For $20, I'll stuff peeled ghost peppers in your nose, then affix a heavy nylon bag full of ranch dressing around your head (with a mouth tube so you can breathe; I'm not a savage), then beat you from head to toe with a pillow stuffed full of bacon. It's basically the same thing.
posted by Burhanistan at 5:03 PM on December 28, 2017 [13 favorites]


At first I thought they were going to stop making Marlboro cigarettes.
posted by 445supermag at 5:04 PM on December 28, 2017 [9 favorites]


Who run Flavortown?
posted by ActingTheGoat at 5:13 PM on December 28, 2017 [16 favorites]


The bank.
posted by Going To Maine at 5:42 PM on December 28, 2017 [8 favorites]


I love guy fieri so much
posted by zymil at 6:17 PM on December 28, 2017 [5 favorites]


For $20, I'll stuff peeled ghost peppers in your nose, then affix a heavy nylon bag full of ranch dressing around your head (with a mouth tube so you can breathe; I'm not a savage), then beat you from head to toe with a pillow stuffed full of bacon.

Okay, but I want to see the $20 first
posted by aubilenon at 6:20 PM on December 28, 2017 [60 favorites]


Strange memories on this nervous night in Trumpsylvania. Five years later? Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Artery—the kind of peak that never comes again. Flavor Town in the late tweens was a very special time and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long run… but no explanation, no mixte of adjectives or menus or memories can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive in that corner of Times Square and the world. Whatever it meant.

History is hard to know, because of all the fake news bullshit, but even without being sure of “history” it seems entirely reasonable to think that every now and then the energy of a whole generation of donkeys comes to a head in a long flash fry, for reasons that nobody really understands at the time—and which never explain, in retrospect, what actually happened….

There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the bar, then up the ramp to the holding pen or the dining area or the “kitchen”. You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was off the hook, that we were winner, winner chicken dinners.

And that, I think, was the handle—that sense of inevitable victory over the forces of restraint and tradition. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn’t need that. Our Dragon Chili Cheese Fries would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting—on our side or theirs. We had all the awesome; we were riding the crest of a high and flavorful wave.

So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a sky scraper in Manhattan and look down, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark—that place where the wave of donkey sauce and hair gel finally broke and rolled back.
posted by Fromage`a Trois at 6:52 PM on December 28, 2017 [38 favorites]


Obligatory "pour some donkey sauce on the curb" comment.
posted by stannate at 6:56 PM on December 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


How on earth has it been five years?? 2017 has absolutely wrecked my chrono-sense.
posted by a box and a stick and a string and a bear at 7:26 PM on December 28, 2017 [4 favorites]


Chicken carcass in Times Square this morning, Crocs tread on splintered wing. This city is afraid of me. I have tasted its true flavor. The streets are extended franchises and the franchises are full of donkey sauce, and when the sinks clog with grease, all the tourists will drown. The accumulated filth of all their gluttony and trend-chasing will foam up about their waists and all the celebrities and wannabe restauranteurs will look up and shout, "Feed us!"... and I'll look down and whisper, "Check, please."
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:32 PM on December 28, 2017 [31 favorites]


Think the head chef at Flavortown would have minded you putting ketchup on your well-done steak? Hell, they might have recommended it.
posted by picea at 7:51 PM on December 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


On the other hand, 2017 is the year we learned what happens when you overdub "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives" with Run the Jewels.
posted by mbrubeck at 8:01 PM on December 28, 2017 [14 favorites]


See you around, kid.
posted by TheShadowKnows at 8:14 PM on December 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


Hoi polloi means 'the many.'
posted by ob1quixote at 8:57 PM on December 28, 2017


Hoi polloi means 'the many.'

I'm pretty sure there's a chicken pun in it somewhere though.
posted by aubilenon at 9:47 PM on December 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


Flavortown is not a place that can be closed. Flavortown is not a location that can disappear. Flavortown is an idea. Anytime someone making aioli thinks of donkeys, that’s Flavortown. Anytime someone steals a menu item from Outback, but punches it up with garlic salt, that’s Flavortown. Anytime you see a cheese skirt and wanna pull out a ruler to make sure it’s no more than an inch off the knee, that’s Flavortown. Flavortown is not in Times Square. Flavortown is in here. In you. In me. In our mouths and our hearts. That’s Flavortown.
posted by vorpal bunny at 10:54 PM on December 28, 2017 [27 favorites]


Tell me where, or in what land,
is Flavortown, the fair American Grill,
Slammajamma, or golden fried,
who was his match in frosted tips,
Fieri who answered when one called
over rolls or onion rings,
whose broness was more than human?
Where are the donkey sauces of yesteryear?
posted by The Whelk at 11:04 PM on December 28, 2017 [9 favorites]


I've seen a Festival of funk you people wouldn't believe. Mac-N-Cheese Bacon Burgers on fire off the shoulder of a Funkalicious onion. I watched love, peace, and taco grease glitter in the dark that puts the shama lama in ding dong Gettin freaky with your tzatziki . All those moments will be lost in times square, like tears in a poor rating. I have eaten
the Donkey Sauce
that was in the icebox
Time to die.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 11:26 PM on December 28, 2017 [11 favorites]


It was molecular gastronomy just like making Jell-O molds is 3d printing.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:52 PM on December 28, 2017 [7 favorites]


Ok I love this website so much guys

Sending off flavortown in style tho
posted by potrzebie at 12:13 AM on December 29, 2017 [2 favorites]


...Half drunk a smiling visage fries, whose grin,
and frosted tip, and skillet in the hand, tell that its sculptor well those passions read,
which yet survive, seared on those sauce filled things. The hand that cooked them, and the heart that fed...
posted by Jon Mitchell at 12:46 AM on December 29, 2017 [6 favorites]


I remember my Manhattan was Fireball and some bitter vermouth and cherries.

I also remember the staff was so not prepared for a room party and had VISIBLE FEAR so we just like gave them a literal actual pile of tips I believe?

also I don't think I actually ate anything.
posted by The Whelk at 12:48 AM on December 29, 2017 [4 favorites]


Guess upmarket dining Juggalo style just couldn't last. The world wasn't ready.
posted by Dysk at 1:15 AM on December 29, 2017 [3 favorites]


For $20, I'll stuff peeled ghost peppers in your nose, then affix a heavy nylon bag full of ranch dressing around your head (with a mouth tube so you can breathe; I'm not a savage), then beat you from head to toe with a pillow stuffed full of bacon.

Okay, but I want to see the $20 first


hello i am kinkshaming
posted by poffin boffin at 1:18 AM on December 29, 2017 [12 favorites]


hello i am kinkshaming

New username
posted by Going To Maine at 1:22 AM on December 29, 2017 [6 favorites]


For $20, I'll stuff peeled ghost peppers in your nose, then affix a heavy nylon bag full of ranch dressing around your head (with a mouth tube so you can breathe; I'm not a savage), then beat you from head to toe with a pillow stuffed full of bacon. It's basically the same thing.

Well, that's cheaper than a weekly therapist and a yoga class by at least a factor of 6, and it sounds like you get a dietician as a bonus.

Can I book half a year in advance? Do you take insurance?

If not, how much for just the pillow full of bacon?
posted by loquacious at 1:57 AM on December 29, 2017 [2 favorites]


If not, how much for just the pillow full of bacon?

You know the answer as well as I do.
posted by adamgreenfield at 2:25 AM on December 29, 2017 [29 favorites]


In NYC did Fieri Khan
A stately Flavortown decree
Where Hudson, the scented river, ran.
In caverns measureless to man
Ran trains eternally.

So twice five yards of Times Square ground
With walls and flat-screens girdled round
Hidden speakers bright with sinuous rills
Where blossomed many garlic-incensed entrees;
And here were burgers garnished with dills,
Enrobed by sauces of donkeys.
posted by ardgedee at 2:45 AM on December 29, 2017 [35 favorites]


The 2012 MetaTalk is so fabulous I could use up all my daily favorites right there.
posted by MtDewd at 5:08 AM on December 29, 2017


You know the answer as well as I do.

Well, apparently a pillow full of bacon goes for about five bucks in Flavortown, so this time I'm just not so sure.
posted by loquacious at 5:27 AM on December 29, 2017 [1 favorite]


.
posted by mumblelard at 5:33 AM on December 29, 2017


My naim is Guy
My hair is dyed
In flayvour towne
I do reside
Put donkey sauce
On all the things
And wen theyre fried
I lik the wings
posted by the duck by the oboe at 5:37 AM on December 29, 2017 [52 favorites]


It took five years, but we have an answer to the question.
posted by ardgedee at 5:38 AM on December 29, 2017 [6 favorites]


I met a traveller from a funkalicious land,
Who said—“Two breaded and boneless wings of stone
Stand in the desert. . . . Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And frosted tips, and smear of donkey sauce,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, deep-fried on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed;
And on the pedestal, these words appear:
My name is Guy Fieri, Mayor of Flavortown;
Put the shama lama in ding dong, and shut the front door!
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal Wreck, out of bounds and bare
The garlic-salted sands stretch far away.”
posted by oulipian at 5:49 AM on December 29, 2017 [17 favorites]


I’m biting my lip in fury that two people have riffed on the “tears in rain” monologue but both failed to end it with “time to dine”
posted by DoctorFedora at 6:05 AM on December 29, 2017 [37 favorites]


2017 takes and it takes and it takes.

And we keep eating anyway.
posted by nickmark at 6:07 AM on December 29, 2017 [9 favorites]


This Is Just To Guy

I have eaten
all the sauce
that was in
Flavortown

and which
you were probably
saving
for the apocalypse

Forgive me
it was delicious
so slick
and so donkey
posted by chavenet at 6:46 AM on December 29, 2017 [13 favorites]


look on my forks ye mighty (and da hair)
posted by Fromage`a Trois at 7:13 AM on December 29, 2017 [8 favorites]


An ode to a hero
posted by complaina at 7:52 AM on December 29, 2017 [2 favorites]


I’m buying a bottle of Sutter Home wine the next time I’m at a gas station and I’m going to insist on paying 36$ dollars for it in memorial to the Flavortown experience.
posted by octobersurprise at 8:03 AM on December 29, 2017 [3 favorites]


If not, how much for just the pillow full of bacon?

You know the answer as well as I do.


$20 same as if down?
posted by srboisvert at 9:14 AM on December 29, 2017 [11 favorites]


Noooooooooooo
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:15 AM on December 29, 2017


I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by Donkey Sauce,
starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the Flavortown streets at dawn looking
for an angry chicken fix.
posted by misterpatrick at 9:19 AM on December 29, 2017 [7 favorites]


hello i am kinkshaming

I’ve stuffed some ghost peppers up my nose,
I’ve drunk the donkey sauce from a hose,
I’ve been to Flavortown before.
Hello, is it me you’re ‘shaming for?
posted by zippy at 9:43 AM on December 29, 2017 [5 favorites]


Guy. Guy had donkey sauce.
This is a support group for people with Flavortown.
posted by rhizome at 11:12 AM on December 29, 2017 [1 favorite]


Batter my fries, bleach-hair'd Fieri
posted by griphus at 11:13 AM on December 29, 2017 [3 favorites]


Well we're living here in Flavortown
And they're closing all the deep fryers down
Where the Crazy Hagar cocktails flowed like wine
Frosted tip crowds
Standing in line
And we're living here in Flavortown
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 1:13 PM on December 29, 2017 [8 favorites]


The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Flavortown Guy that day,
too many leases to renew and investors to repay.
When the tourism dried up the revenue did the same,
and now Donkey is no longer sauce but Fieri's middle name.

No more will the "hypno-wheel" spin words in its "vortex,"
as pensioners are stuffed with food like tube-socked ungulates.
The assets and the debts will be cleared with unheeded speed,
As everyone rushes to forget the Donkey and his deeds.

Through diners, drive thrus and dives he roams, now an aberration,
As we remember that burgers are fine without his participation.
Somewhere folks are frying food, and laughing children dine,
But there is no joy in Flavortown -- where the Donkey must abide.
posted by snuffleupagus at 2:47 PM on December 29, 2017 [3 favorites]


Say what you will about Guy, but he definitely moved the Flaverton Window.
posted by Rust Moranis at 2:53 PM on December 29, 2017 [11 favorites]


And thus was the death of Fieri saucer of donkeys.

(Seriously how did I miss this thread yesterday?! I guess that's what I get for going outside. Won't happen again, I swear.)
posted by turbowombat at 8:14 PM on December 29, 2017 [1 favorite]


The Washington Post article on the closing points out most of Fieri’s properties going forward are “inside casinos, on cruise lines or in smaller markets.” So there could be a follow-up MeFi meetup at sea! Just where everyone wants to feel nauseated, it really is a perfect fit.
posted by rewil at 11:31 AM on December 30, 2017


"Where other people take care of the complicated shit like siting, real estate, maintenance, and..."
posted by rhizome at 1:31 PM on December 30, 2017


Metatalk thread
posted by Rock 'em Sock 'em at 5:46 PM on December 30, 2017


That reminds me, I need to attend more meet ups in other peoples cities in 2018.
posted by mrzarquon at 11:39 AM on January 2


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