The Science of Loneliness

January 9, 2018 3:44 PM

When people ask me what my greatest fear is, I lie. I tell them about my fear of snakes. I say I have nightmares of being stuck in Fear Factor, lying for a full minute in a pit filled with writhing serpents, just so I can win $1 million. That fear is real. I have those nightmares. But the truth is, my greatest fear is being lonely.

Seeing my own loneliness typed out has left me utterly vulnerable. It has been one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. In discussing this article, I could hear the hesitance in my editor’s voice when she asked me if there were any personal anecdotes I wanted to share. Her first instinct was not to offend me. It was awkward. I said I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea. But I did feel a pang of embarrassment and a little indignation. I thought: Just because I’m writing a piece on loneliness doesn’t mean that I am lonely. But I caught myself in another lie. It was the truth. It still is the truth. And that’s okay. It means that I am only human.

Related: Marissa Korda launched the Loneliness Project in late 2017 to help alleviate the stigma associated with being alone.

posted by cynical pinnacle (19 comments total)

Other good loneliness articles from 2017:
"The Legion Lonely" by Stephen Thomas
"Together Alone: The Epidemic of Gay Loneliness" by Michael Hobbes
posted by demonic winged headgear at 4:15 PM on January 9, 2018 [3 favorites]

I have been lonely. It is horrible. It's different from being alone. I would never want that to be a state I live in.
posted by hippybear at 4:48 PM on January 9, 2018 [2 favorites]

Oh man, please let’s not with the “I couldn’t live that way” stuff. I just got done talking to a friend who has been suicidal about his depression and loneliness, and...I don’t know, can we be mindful of the fact that there will be people reading this who are extremely lonely and who might also not be feeling great about that fact?

Totally happy to have this deleted as well.
posted by schadenfrau at 4:56 PM on January 9, 2018 [22 favorites]

Also, that article on gay loneliness has a flavor of nastiness that I can't overcome even after reading it and having experienced some of the things described and it feels like it carries bullshit about being gay and I don't like it.
posted by hippybear at 4:56 PM on January 9, 2018 [2 favorites]

Being alone is definitely better than being in a bad relationship. You folks in good relationships... do something nice for your partner today!
posted by SPrintF at 4:58 PM on January 9, 2018 [8 favorites]

Yes, some of us are living that nightmare. Recent thread
posted by Melismata at 5:08 PM on January 9, 2018

uhhhh hey mefi are u feeling ok there buddy??? like im getting kinda worried about u this week
posted by Freelance Demiurge at 6:37 PM on January 9, 2018 [6 favorites]

Who are all you lonely MeFites talking to in this thread? EACH OTHER. We have EACH OTHER.
posted by tel3path at 7:00 PM on January 9, 2018 [14 favorites]

I live alone and sometimes experience piercing loneliness. But sometimes I'm just by myself, and that's just fine. It used to be rare for people to live alone, to live far away from family, to not have church affiliations. I think a big part of the depression and anxiety that's feels epidemic is that so many people are alone in a world designed for couples and happy family groups. I have developed friendships here and on facebook that are actual friendships, albeit a new format.
posted by theora55 at 7:09 PM on January 9, 2018 [3 favorites]

I'm right there with you, theora55. While I have a partner who is here with me now, he was working away for many years and I learned how to live alone during that time and it's okay to do that. Alone is not lonely.
posted by hippybear at 7:20 PM on January 9, 2018 [1 favorite]

Alone is not necessarily lonely, no, but learning to be alone (as so many of us have) is not itself a cure for loneliness, much like learning to read braille is not a cure for blindness.

(Actually that's not an entirely fair comparison since there are people who are entirely happy alone and prefer it that way, but there are also a lot of us who just haven't figured out how not to be at least occasionally lonely in our aloneness.)
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 7:29 PM on January 9, 2018

I find myself feeling lonely in the company of others far more often than when I'm physically by myself.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 9:53 PM on January 9, 2018 [13 favorites]

The irony is that talking about loneliness is one of the best tools for managing it and understanding how it manifests in a person’s life, whether it’s through depression, poor eating habits, or something they cannot even name.

there's a lot to be said about the intentional practice of insight and doing so in a way that isn't self-defeating. the CBT workbooks I've used all encouraged the practice of Socratic questioning ie asking why you think something without judgement, with trust in your own experience of the world

for me, intense loneliness is only a struggle when I've forgetten how to practice self-love in the hustle and bustle of life. reminding myself that it's fine to trust and celebrate your own needs, that taking care of yourself as you would another is not only an acceptable thing, it's something to be proud of
posted by runt at 7:39 AM on January 10, 2018 [2 favorites]

Fear Factor, lying for a full minute in a pit filled with writhing serpents, just so I can win $1 million. That fear is real.

Fear Factor's prize (on NBC, not sure about the rest) was $50k, not $1m. That was the most insidious thing about the show - that you have to risk actual injury and face fears for such a paltry (by prime time game show standards) grand prize.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:03 AM on January 10, 2018

I rarely feel lonely anymore, though I've had intense periods of it in my life where it felt completely suffocating. I experienced a brief depression episode over the holidays and I was terribly lonely, but thankfully in getting treatment for the depression, I could drag myself out quite a bit faster than ever. I still have a little pang of loneliness, but I have to say, taking part in the MeFi Holiday Card exchange and Quonsmas helped quite a bit. I got some really lovely cards and notes.
posted by Sophie1 at 8:17 AM on January 10, 2018

a pit of snakes sounds so cozy and relaxing compared to the thought of having to deal with other people irl
posted by poffin boffin at 9:02 AM on January 10, 2018 [5 favorites]

Loneliness is weird. I live alone and can (and have) spend weeks without leaving the house but I only feel lonely sometimes, when something makes me think about it. Those periods of time suck, a lot, but the effort required to meet (and open to) people makes sick with anxiety so I don't.
posted by Memo at 9:05 AM on January 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

I seem to be happy with my own company for extended periods, moreso than friends and family. On top of that I am astoundingly bad at identifying my own emotions or recognising the import of my own behaviours. The combination of those factors meant it took me a decade to realise that I'd also been experiencing ongoing loneliness for some time and then only by the time honoured method of stepping right back and asking "what would you say to a friend in this situation?"

To make matters even worse I think I've inadvertently eponystericaled myself.
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 10:28 AM on January 10, 2018 [4 favorites]

I like being alone. Most of the time. I do get boughts of loneliness. Often in crowds, so I've learned to avoid events. I have a large immediate family and am about to go visit them. God, nothing makes me feel more lonely than visiting family. They always give me the sad eye, because I never bring along a significant other. As we all know you are only valuable if someone else values you.
Life.
Just recently, I've gotten a roommate. It's pretty good. We don't really hang out all that much, but it's nice to have someone else around.
Cheers everyone.
posted by evilDoug at 7:39 AM on January 11, 2018