January 11, 2018 5:30 PM   Subscribe

I don't like the gannet...they wet their nests.
posted by Naberius at 5:44 PM on January 11, 2018 [3 favorites]

Nigel prefers the strong, silent type.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 6:23 PM on January 11, 2018

And if young Nigel says he's happy
He must be happy
posted by oneirodynia at 6:56 PM on January 11, 2018 [12 favorites]

you thought this was a gannet but no, this is me, it's authentically my deepest self, passing as a bird
posted by idiopath at 7:56 PM on January 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

The Rise of the Bro Tortoise: When we anthropomorphize animal sexuality, it can reveal unfortunate things about how we view human sexuality
This year saw the drama of Jeremy the “lonely lefty snail.” Found in 2016, Jeremy’s left-twisting shell structure interested geneticists at Nottingham University and prompted a global call for other left twisting snails to act as mates. In May 2017 Angus Davison, a geneticist at Nottingham, introduced two more left twisting snails to Jeremy. In a headline- and pun-worthy twist, Jeremy became caught in a love triangle when those potential mates chose each other. Davison described this as a classic situation of introducing your best friend to someone you’re interested in and they pair up. However, the public was reassured in October that although Jeremy was found dead, he didn’t die a virgin. According to NPR, Jeremy finally “did it” before dying. And just in case you were wondering, “Three times! Nice work, Jeremy.” Other salacious headlines revolve around Lu Lu, the “panda sex god” who shattered his own record for “filthy panda sex” (18 minutes) and Dozer the walrus who “catcalls” the females at Point Defiance Zoo.
posted by ChuraChura at 8:23 PM on January 11, 2018 [6 favorites]

Nigel and the Real Gannet
posted by King Sky Prawn at 9:41 PM on January 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

It's OK. This one concrete gannet is so perfectly crafted, that Nigel's love will bring it to life.

OK, maybe we need a handy diety to help out. Does anybody have Aphrodite's cell phone number?
posted by happyroach at 10:46 PM on January 11, 2018

Nigel – so called because he had no mates - ...

i feel like I'm missing a pop culture reference here... can anyone explain this?
posted by Mchelly at 3:53 AM on January 12, 2018

AskMe: He may be a weirdo, and they may not want to associate with him, but he's played his part. Maybe one day he will figure it out.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:17 AM on January 12, 2018

i feel like I'm missing a pop culture reference here... can anyone explain this?

Less pop culture, more UK/NZ/Aus schoolyard pejorative slang. Nigel No Friends, Nigel No Mates, Neville No Friends, and variants is what the awkward kid at school with few or no friends is called.
posted by zamboni at 5:59 AM on January 12, 2018 [3 favorites]

Nigel puts me in mind of Grape-kun, the otaku Humboldt penguin mentioned in the recent Kemono Friends post.
Kemono Friends also touched hearts when an elderly Humboldt penguin named "Grape-kun" appeared to become infatuated with a cardboard cutout of Kemono Friends' Humboldt penguin character, even forgoing meals to spend more time with her. Grape-kun ultimately passed away, but his zoo has now added his image to the cutout.
posted by zamboni at 6:06 AM on January 12, 2018 [1 favorite]

They [the new arrivals] are on one side of the colony and on the other side is Nigel, who is still making love to his concrete bird," DOC ranger Chris Bell said.

"He definitely has some sort of fetish. It's tragic."

Oh fuck off, Chris Bell. The goddamn bird doesn't have a fetish. Yes, it is tragic. Not for the reasons you think though. Gosh, I wonder how the poor bird could have possibly had its instincts hijacked and twisted in such a way. A real stumper, that one.
posted by lazaruslong at 6:28 AM on January 12, 2018 [3 favorites]

No.... Nigel was found dead beside his concrete mate last week. Link to news article
posted by poxandplague at 1:13 AM on February 1, 2018 [1 favorite]

Oh no... was there any evidence of fowl play?
posted by Mchelly at 3:54 AM on February 1, 2018

Hmmm. Wikipedia tells me gannets are classified as a least concern species and they don't mate for life.

Sounds to me like Nigel had plenty of other options and he died doing what he loved: having a whole island to himself without any pesky mamals or other birds to deal with. One could do far worse as a bird. Or a person.

If we're going to anthropomorphise, "happy loner" seems at least as good a model as "lonely shut-in."

posted by eotvos at 12:04 PM on February 3, 2018

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