Hans Moleman Productions presents, "Bear Getting Hit by Pipe".
January 18, 2018 11:01 PM   Subscribe

 
I am absolutely putting my foot down against any puns about how bad the pain seemed.
posted by J.K. Seazer at 11:05 PM on January 18, 2018 [14 favorites]


I bet it was unbearable.
posted by scalefree at 11:07 PM on January 18, 2018 [21 favorites]


FLAGGED FOR IT BREAKS THE GUIDELINES
posted by J.K. Seazer at 11:09 PM on January 18, 2018 [13 favorites]


it drove him nuts
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:09 PM on January 18, 2018 [11 favorites]


Well, that was a big boo boo.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 11:12 PM on January 18, 2018 [13 favorites]


I love the obvious stages of blooming pain from a nut strike, writ eloquently in the bear’s demeanor:

1. Initial shock! Stop what I’m doing and get away from the source of the attack!

2. Onset of acute pain. Spread legs in subconscious effort to get every part of the body away from the assaulted region, while simultaneously hunkering down to try to protect that area from further harm.

3. Magnification of agony to awe-inspiring levels. Oh hell, this is getting worse...walking away doesn’t seem to help! Hunkering down doesn’t help! Pathway of walk begins to curve in on itself as the universe begins to collapse down to a single focal point, centered right between the legs.

4. Pain radiates to every fiber of my being. Jeezus, I can’t think! Stop walking, stop moving, lie down, curl up into a ball and die now!

5. Waves of agony like some dread tidal force sweeping over me. Stay still! Or move! Or gawd I’m not sure anything helps!

6. Okay, agony beginning to subside to a dull ache...maybe...I will live? Bearly?

7. Pain still present, but hey! Here’s that guide line I was messing with earlier. I’ll chew on it while I’m recovering and trying to decide if I’m able to walk yet. Also, if I play it cool, no one will notice how badly I just racked myself.
posted by darkstar at 11:25 PM on January 18, 2018 [34 favorites]


I've watched a few bears scratching their backs on a tree in the wild, and...

Man, I love how much they love it. Like, if you ever wonder if an wild animal can experience joy, watch a bear scratching their back.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 11:32 PM on January 18, 2018 [6 favorites]


So, like, fences are still a thing, right? How about some “instant karma” for the shmuck who didn’t put one up?
posted by Sys Rq at 11:50 PM on January 18, 2018 [4 favorites]


So, like, fences are still a thing, right? How about some “instant karma” for the shmuck who didn’t put one up?

The karma seems to have been that a bear came around and started breaking his stuff.
posted by Going To Maine at 12:18 AM on January 19, 2018 [10 favorites]


I think there was a lot more anthropomorphising in the video commentary. I just saw a bear scratching his back, then deciding to have a lie down while he chewed on his new line toy.
posted by herda05 at 2:23 AM on January 19, 2018 [8 favorites]


Perplexing post. First of all, it wouldn't really be amusing to see an animal in pain, would it? Second of all, as numerous commenters on the original YT page indicate, it's pretty clear that the white plastic hose or tube or whatever it is that the bear is pulling at (a) is far too light to inflict any serious pain and (b) doesn't hit him in the groin anyway. If the bear was in pain, you'd expect (a) some sort of yelp; (b) some immediate attention to the sore spot (e.g. licking); and (c) probably the bear moving away from the area quickly. Instead, as a couple of people have already noted here, all I see is a bear having fun destroying some stuff.
posted by senor biggles at 2:28 AM on January 19, 2018 [8 favorites]


First of all, it wouldn't really be amusing to see an animal in pain, would it? Second of all, as numerous commenters on the original YT page indicate, it's pretty clear that the white plastic hose or tube or whatever it is that the bear is pulling at (a) is far too light to inflict any serious pain and (b) doesn't hit him in the groin anyway

"First of all, this wouldn't be funny if it were real, and second of all, it's not..."

Wait...you've almost got it...therefore...it's...funny!
posted by straight at 2:39 AM on January 19, 2018 [5 favorites]


If the bear was in pain, you'd expect (a) some sort of yelp; (b) some immediate attention to the sore spot (e.g. licking); and (c) probably the bear moving away from the area quickly.

And how many bears did you hit in the balls to come to that conclusion?
posted by J.K. Seazer at 2:40 AM on January 19, 2018 [15 favorites]


Also, are most male bears even able to lick their own balls? (I'm also putting my foot down against puns about certain gay subcultures, fyi)
posted by J.K. Seazer at 2:51 AM on January 19, 2018


Bears look too much like people in bear suits.
posted by uncleozzy at 3:11 AM on January 19, 2018 [14 favorites]


I was expecting something more grisly.
posted by smammy at 5:33 AM on January 19, 2018 [16 favorites]


I think there was a lot more anthropomorphising in the video commentary. I just saw a bear scratching his back, then deciding to have a lie down while he chewed on his new line toy.

That's what I see too. He does do a funny walk before he lies down, but that looks like his version of the stomp-walk that bears do when they are scenting their favorite spots.
Bear trails can be seen where bears approach favorite marking trees. These trails are often especially distinctive because bears frequently stomp-walk as they approach such trees. Stomp-walking is a form of scent-marking in which bears stomp, twist, and slide each footstep.
So I think it's just a happy bear doing his thing.
posted by peeedro at 6:47 AM on January 19, 2018 [5 favorites]


It was that post-strike wide stance that got me. But yes, I think it was just that the pipe detached, which was providing some purchase to enhance the back-scratch-ecstacy, so said bear decided it was time to move on. Can we even be sure of gender?

I elected to do some research. Slightly worryingly, Google autocompleted the query 'do bears have external' with 'testicles', although to be fair I can't offhand think of an alternative terminator noun. Lavatories, perhaps, but the answer to that question is famously known.

It turns out that they do indeed have a scrotum and danglies, although the ursine penis is kept in an internal sheath until playtime (female bears have labia and a clitoris.)

I wonder how much human behaviour would change if the dick was normally stashed away completely.
posted by Devonian at 6:51 AM on January 19, 2018 [4 favorites]


That’s my purse! I don’t know you!
posted by dr_dank at 7:19 AM on January 19, 2018 [5 favorites]


What this clip really needs is Werner Herzog narration.
posted by Strange Interlude at 7:20 AM on January 19, 2018 [6 favorites]


It's also funny when humans try to fit the actions of animals into extremely human social frameworks. (This is the basis for the classic Onion article "Those Motherfucking Robins Are On Thin Ice With Me", as well as Moby Dick.) It's safe to say John Lennon was not thinking about bears getting walloped in the nuts when he wrote "Instant Karma," but here we are.
posted by Iridic at 7:36 AM on January 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


This was the video that Herzog listened to in Grizzly Man.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 7:43 AM on January 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


This was the video that Herzog listened to in Grizzly Man.

"You should never listen to it, and you should rather destroy it."
posted by Strange Interlude at 7:54 AM on January 19, 2018


This is the perfect synthesis of Herr Vortex's two sophomoric internet video loves: bears messing with things, and guys getting hit in the balls with projectiles. He thanks you for this post
posted by Elly Vortex at 8:03 AM on January 19, 2018 [3 favorites]


I really just want to go scratch the poor bear's back.
posted by VTX at 8:22 AM on January 19, 2018 [3 favorites]


Seconding uncleozzy. That's not a bear, that's a person in a bear suit. In fact, EVERY bear is a person in a bear suit. There are no bears.
posted by yhbc at 8:28 AM on January 19, 2018 [4 favorites]


Wait, how do we know that's even a male bear

I just see a bear playing around and deciding to scratch its back on the ground.
posted by Existential Dread at 8:44 AM on January 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


Bears look too much like people in bear suits.

And they look even more like people without the "suit". Physiologies are very similar.
posted by humboldt32 at 8:47 AM on January 19, 2018


Bears pretty much destroyed every pine tree my parents tried to plant around their house by scratching them like this. They love those needle branches.
posted by lagomorphius at 9:13 AM on January 19, 2018


Well, this video from the BBC Earth series seems relevant: Jungle Boogie Bears. Be sure to turn your sound on.

Somebody had a lot of fun editing it.
posted by workerant at 9:31 AM on January 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


Barney's movie had heart, but Pipe In The Groin had a pipe in the groin. Too bad George C. Scott is no longer with us for the inevitable remake...
posted by bawanaal at 11:07 AM on January 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


That’s funny, now I can see it either way. If I imagine that the bear does get hit in the nuts, it clearly tells the story of a bear getting hit in the nuts. But if I imagine it doesn’t, it just looks like a bear lolling around.
posted by bjrubble at 3:26 PM on January 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


Came to the comments expecting to see someone linking to the John West Red Salmon ad...
posted by drjon at 11:26 PM on January 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


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