The Asparagus tells you to get out of Bitcoin
January 21, 2018 9:20 AM   Subscribe

"She has made dozens of accurate predictions in recent years, including the demise of Gordon Brown, the credit crunch, and Oscar glory for British film The King’s Speech." In the Vale of Evesham, the paganistic rites of the Asparamancer have resulted in predictions for the year ahead. "...her unusual methodology came from her dislike of tea and her lack of success with broccoli..." 2018 predictions include a revival in books, that humanity will survive, the UK will do poorly in sport, and it doesn't look good for Theresa May's future. A recent prediction, that winter will bring wet weather and flooding in Britain, has proven to be astonishingly accurate. 'Mystic Veg', as seen on daytime TV, can also be found on Twitter; her predictions for the last two years.
posted by Wordshore (31 comments total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
 
humanity will survive

Small blessings.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 10:00 AM on January 21, 2018 [1 favorite]


humanity will survive

I'm fairly certain this prediction is valid only for 2018. Ask the asparagus again in a year...
posted by kmkrebs at 10:11 AM on January 21, 2018 [2 favorites]


Also, how do we know the asparagus isn't just telling us what it prefers to believe? It's not like there'll be more asparagus being grown in the world, if all the people who cultivate it die. . . .
posted by Spathe Cadet at 10:34 AM on January 21, 2018 [1 favorite]


the UK will do poorly in sport

that's not really chancing her arm
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 11:20 AM on January 21, 2018 [12 favorites]


Also, how do we know the asparagus isn't just telling us what it prefers to believe?

You'd think there'd be more predictions of a random pathogen infecting asparagus which is deadly to humans.
posted by adept256 at 11:29 AM on January 21, 2018


humanity will survive

And if it doesn't, who's gonna call her out on it?
posted by ZenMasterThis at 11:33 AM on January 21, 2018 [7 favorites]


Someone needs to grill this asparagus! For, uh, answers!
posted by grumpybear69 at 11:37 AM on January 21, 2018 [22 favorites]


The demise of Gordon Brown threw me for a moment. *checks obits*

I like her asparagus-coloured jacket.

Bit worried about the prediction about a significant increase in family values. I wonder if the asparagus thinks that is a good thing, or whether the asparagus is neutral on human morality.
posted by paduasoy at 11:46 AM on January 21, 2018 [1 favorite]


Bit worried about the prediction about a significant increase in family values.

On examination, one did notice a frequently repeated overlap between the predictions of the asparagus and, perhaps, the aspirations and desires of a politically right-wing leaning Brexit-voting retiree. I am sure that is, of course, a total coincidence.
posted by Wordshore at 12:20 PM on January 21, 2018 [8 favorites]


I feel like Roko's Basilisk figures here somehow.
posted by rhizome at 1:31 PM on January 21, 2018 [2 favorites]


England just won the ODI against Australia (cricket, one day game vs the five day test matches which they lost) so there's one prediction wrong.
posted by freethefeet at 1:40 PM on January 21, 2018


The predictions are all fake, of course.

There's actually an octopus that makes the calls, and then...
posted by Smart Dalek at 1:52 PM on January 21, 2018 [2 favorites]


England just won the ODI against Australia (cricket, one day game vs the five day test matches which they lost) so there's one prediction wrong.

I suspect the asparagus is a traditionalist and doesn't consider this new-fangled ODI business to really be a major sporting event.
posted by Pink Frost at 2:32 PM on January 21, 2018 [5 favorites]


Would the Asparagus kindly tell us if and when asparagus farmers will discontinue their recently-inaugurated evil practice of including the white—inedible—formerly discarded asparagus roots along with the green spears in a shamelessly obvious effort to increase the value (per lb/kg sold) of their product while delivering no benefit whatsoever to the consumer?
posted by tenderly at 2:50 PM on January 21, 2018 [4 favorites]


Of course the Asparagus says to get out of Bitcoin. It's time to get into AsparagusCoin, a hot new ICO coming soon!
posted by clawsoon at 3:09 PM on January 21, 2018 [2 favorites]


It correctly predicted my pee would smell.
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:33 PM on January 21, 2018 [4 favorites]


My asparagus does not judge.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 5:05 PM on January 21, 2018 [3 favorites]


In other news, about 95% of measurable variables will fall inside the 2-sigma range. Also, I will fail to grasp an even larger percentage of things on the internets (because I'm getting old), Republicans will continue to support Trump (because they need the eggs), and as for asparagus, well, it'll taste nice in a risotto maybe? Or with toasted nuts.
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 5:14 PM on January 21, 2018 [1 favorite]


Does asparagus work like Kau Cim or yarrow sticks?

Except, you know, tastier?
posted by BlueHorse at 5:27 PM on January 21, 2018


As long as we agree that this is silly, and right in line with the actual predictive power of small furry mammal with notoriety mostly from living in upstate New York , USA - I think that this is a fun thing that we can get behind.

Should anyone seek to invest their money, commit a crime, or otherwise drink the Koolaid - as directed by even the most carefully selected stalks of stinky vegetables - that would be a bad idea.
posted by Nanukthedog at 5:28 PM on January 21, 2018 [1 favorite]


As long as we agree that this is silly...

Oh boy. Don't go anywhere near the Vale and say that, for your own safety. Especially if you don't speak Asum.

From them parts (where I spent the first 20 years of my life), asparagus - actually it's properly called gras as described by the pub landlord - is a big thing. Evesham asparagus has EU protected name status. The One True Asparagus is worshipped in the cathedral in Worcester, despite a few moany Anglicans from outside the county whining about it. Asparagus is an excellent flavour of ice cream, is a local aphrodisiac, and the first crop is often auctioned off at high prices. Which leads, inevitably, to asparagus rustling and sitting overnight with a shotgun guarding your crop. Been there.
posted by Wordshore at 6:45 PM on January 21, 2018 [2 favorites]


right in line with the actual predictive power of small furry mammal with notoriety mostly from living in upstate New York , USA

If you're thinking of Punxsatawney Phil, Punxsatawney is in Pennsylvania.
posted by Chrysostom at 6:56 PM on January 21, 2018 [1 favorite]


Oh man, about 20 years ago my job put me in the Malvern area for various numbers of weeks, I wish I'd known about the fancy asparagus!
posted by rhizome at 7:57 PM on January 21, 2018


Humanity will survive, but humans won’t.
posted by um at 8:20 PM on January 21, 2018


Should anyone seek to invest their money...

Well, the links I clicked on didn't mention her bitcoin prediction, but she's probably right about that.
posted by Coventry at 10:27 PM on January 21, 2018


Humanity will survive, but humans won’t.

Much like common sense isn't common, humanity isn't exactly a human trait.
posted by Literaryhero at 11:43 PM on January 21, 2018


It's all just vegetable tricks.
posted by Rufous-headed Towhee heehee at 3:05 AM on January 22, 2018


Dead cat pome warning in Asum link - Wordshore, how could you do that to us?!
posted by paduasoy at 3:35 AM on January 22, 2018


Well, the links I clicked on didn't mention her bitcoin prediction, but she's probably right about that.

From the third link:

Miss Packington has 15 major predictions this year which also include:

...The Bitcoin bubble will burst.


There you go. Sell Bitcoins, and plough your profits into graphics cards and asparagus.
posted by Wordshore at 5:14 AM on January 22, 2018


Does this make her a stalker?
posted by kinnakeet at 9:52 AM on January 22, 2018 [1 favorite]


Dead cat pome warning in Asum link...

The pome is charming! Gramps and the cat RIP
posted by BlueHorse at 12:43 PM on January 22, 2018 [1 favorite]


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