THE DIMMED LIGHTS ENCOURAGE CYBERPUNKS TO GATHER … YOU LOSE 10 HAPPINESS
February 7, 2018 1:13 PM   Subscribe

CHOOSE YOUR PLAYER
LINDA is a business magnate who made her fortune franchising juice bars and is now a judge on ‘Orca Tank.’ She knows in her heart she has what it takes to flip a local mall.
MAXIMILLIAN is a tech-savvy angel investor who made his fortune monetizing reaction GIFs. He wants to put some of that money in a traditional mall to diversify his wealth.
COLTON inherited millions and became independently wealthy when he sold his Beanie Babies collection at the height of the craze. Buying a mall and turning it around would finally prove to his parents that he’s an adult.
BARBARA wrote a massive one-hit wonder in 1983 called ‘It’s Your Birthday II’ and amassed a small fortune. She wants to invest it in a mall.

The American Mall Game: A fully playable mall strategy experience for the year 2018
posted by Atom Eyes (18 comments total) 44 users marked this as a favorite
 
I played this the same way I play all simulation games, which is to say I ran everything into the ground as fast as I could. Poor Barbara.
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:25 PM on February 7 [4 favorites]


I lost and a bald guy in an Amazon vest laughed at me.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 1:31 PM on February 7 [2 favorites]


Man, even the rats have stopped coming to my mall.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 1:35 PM on February 7 [9 favorites]


where do you click to make it 1985 again
posted by roger ackroyd at 1:37 PM on February 7 [17 favorites]


Damn German cyberpunk teens and their reckless, haphazard moonwalking.
posted by mudpuppie at 1:45 PM on February 7 [5 favorites]


ugh the microquests are really hard and takes such a big penalty.
posted by numaner at 1:58 PM on February 7 [4 favorites]


I turned my mall into hydroponic and rooftop gardens, microhousing, a trampoline and airsoft franchise, an indoor skateboard park, a microbrewery and a licensed recreational cannabis store and lounge that gets around the whole "No public consumption" by renting out private coffin hotels.

It might be the first time in the history of malls that a mall is breaking even without tax cuts, kickbacks or sweetheart land deals.
posted by loquacious at 2:00 PM on February 7 [30 favorites]


Damnedit! I want my mall to be filled with cyberpunks! Ideally a pet store dedicated to cute, intelligent, adorable rats as well.

Needless to say, I didn't do well at this game.
posted by el io at 2:09 PM on February 7 [3 favorites]


Your mall has died of dysentery.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 2:14 PM on February 7 [35 favorites]


Finally, Bloomberg has caught up to 21st Century Business Practices and embraced Game Theory in Capitalism.
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:21 PM on February 7


It's depressing and no Hidden Agenda.
posted by GuyZero at 2:37 PM on February 7


This was good, but kind of grim for suburban Atlantans in light of recent events.
posted by ob1quixote at 2:43 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]


I turned my mall into hydroponic and rooftop gardens, microhousing, a trampoline and airsoft franchise, an indoor skateboard park, a microbrewery and a licensed recreational cannabis store and lounge that gets around the whole "No public consumption" by renting out private coffin hotels.

I tried going that route, but it turns out I'm crap at making sandwiches and piercing ears.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 2:44 PM on February 7 [7 favorites]


I can't tell if this is supposed to be a (generally) realistic simulation or just an attempt at a humorous way to say MALLS R HAVNIG PROLBEM. The "MicroQuest" bits were badly designed and implemented. "Here, do this thing that really doesn't have to do with the point of the game with poor instructions, and if you mess up there's Dire Penalties!" Also, I can't find any place to see where my income is, or how often its credited? When I cut a deal with a local store, I can't see what effect that has on the bottom line. There is no real budget screen that I can see, just a graph once in a while that tells me little.
posted by JHarris at 4:55 PM on February 7 [5 favorites]


There's also some pretty severe state problems with the game. Random events will pop up while dialogs are open, and that seems sometimes that gets you out of penalties, or benefits, from some decisions.
posted by JHarris at 5:04 PM on February 7 [4 favorites]


The Mall Music is possibly the best part of this whole thing.
posted by xingcat at 5:21 PM on February 7


OH MY GOD WHY I AM PLAYING THIS I HAVE A PRESENTATION IN THREE HOURS
posted by alleycat01 at 7:14 AM on February 8 [5 favorites]


Why did you make me try to pierce that poor woman's ear? I'm a goddamn Boss Hogg cosplayer, fercryingoutloud!
posted by Spatch at 10:49 PM on February 10


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