The envelope please:
March 2, 2018 7:15 AM   Subscribe

"While no one was looking, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences recently dumped most of its Oscars footage onto YouTube — hundreds and hundreds of clips from the show, including virtually every opening monologue, a mind-blowing treasure trove you can have a lot of fun picking through. What follows is a ranking of those opening segments, from worst to best, with a lot of great jokes along the way". 66 Oscar Monologues and Opening Numbers Ranked, From Worst to Best
posted by everybody had matching towels (29 comments total) 23 users marked this as a favorite
 
This post had me at "dumped most of its Oscars footage onto YouTube". I immediately went searching and found one of my favorite moments: Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep's adorable rambling intro to Robert Altman's honorary Oscar in 2006.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 7:32 AM on March 2, 2018 [10 favorites]


I have a recollection of Steve Martin coming out to the podium without pants on. He played completely dead pan and in the middle of presenting, a man came running out with a pair of pants. A few sharp words and he put the pants on and continued as if nothing happened. Perfect. I couldn't not find a video of that.
posted by plinth at 7:38 AM on March 2, 2018 [2 favorites]


I spent a good chunk of a year going through old Oscar clips at the Paley Media Library for a project. Whatever Bill Wyman got paid to watch all of those trainwrecks back to back, I assure you, it wasn't enough.
posted by Optamystic at 7:57 AM on March 2, 2018 [6 favorites]


Ho boy is THIS list gonna be controversial in here.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:57 AM on March 2, 2018


The flatulence of the year is matched by the hosts and their routines. Fonda says that, given that 1 billion people are watching, they need Robin Williams to come out to deliver messages in various languages. Things go well until she gets to the Philippines, when Williams dons the character of a heavily accented guy hawking shoes for half off. Laff riot! Because Filipinos sell shoes! Alda laughs and laughs.

That was a joke about IMELDA FUCKING MARCOS, actually.

Can we get people who know things to write articles, please?
posted by Sys Rq at 8:08 AM on March 2, 2018 [40 favorites]


Between having David Letterman so high up, the seemingly random dissing of Billy Crystal, the apparent love for Bob Hope and the occasional Johnny Carson, it kind of looks like this was a random ordering of all the Oscars with Neil Patrick Harris moved into first place.
posted by yhbc at 8:15 AM on March 2, 2018 [1 favorite]


Letterman was the BEST. I wish I could track down the entire broadcast.

Sample joke (from memory) - "You can bet Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon will be pissed off about something." Audience: BOO!
posted by Jessica Savitch's Coke Spoon at 8:17 AM on March 2, 2018 [3 favorites]


Can we get people who know things to write articles, please?
Nah, they just need someone to take their shit roast-like shots, like every other listicle that has over 10 items.
posted by lmfsilva at 8:17 AM on March 2, 2018 [1 favorite]


The only reason I click on any of these list threads is to see all of the posts where people ignore the list entirely and post the actual best stuff. So far, only AlonzoMoselyFBI is playing along with that game, and I'm deeply disappointed in the rest of you.
posted by tobascodagama at 8:29 AM on March 2, 2018 [5 favorites]




I like this! I really like this!
posted by Flashman at 8:47 AM on March 2, 2018 [3 favorites]


Niven and the streaker.

There's an interesting and ultimately tragic backstory on the streaker, Robert Opel.

The Life, Death, and Legacy of the Oscar Streaker:

In an age of seven-second delays, overeager censors, and incredible security measures, the idea that someone could streak through the Academy Awards — and stay in the press room to take pictures afterward — seems beyond belief. It’s one of the Oscars’ most memorable moments.

Quite a bit away from San Francisco, 15-year-old Rick Castro watched the ceremony, awestruck at what he just saw. Though the cropping of the frame prevented young Castro from seeing Opel’s "willy," as he calls it, the streaking still caused major change in him.

"It just really made an impact on me," Castro says, "because of the freedom and audacity for someone to do that."

Castro immediately set about learning as much about Opel as he could — he refers to his interest in the artist-activist as an "obsession." He soon learned that Opel’s career took on several permutations before settling into the homoerotic art realm.

"He used to work for The Advocate. He started a magazine called Finger," Castro says. “He also worked for the Hollywood Star, but before all this, he was a speechwriter for Ronald Reagan. So he made a little bit of a left turn somewhere."

That last résumé line is enough to make anyone raise an eyebrow. According to Castro, Opel worked as a speechwriter during Reagan’s gubernatorial campaign before falling out with the future president.

posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:08 AM on March 2, 2018 [4 favorites]


First of all, I just want to say "thank you" to everybody had matching towels, without whom this post would not have been possible. This MeFite... this one MeFite with a vision, with guts, with something to SAY, I just... thank you. And to the other commenters, Almonzo and splints and Snorkle, umm... tobacco da gamba, Jessica Simpson's Cake Knife, oh, my God, I know I'm going to leave someone out. And my AMAZING, and I mean, ABSOLUTELY AMAZING sister who gave me that Roku box... *sob* If you're watching, boys, use the litterboxes and go back to bed. Can you believe this night, I mean, oh, is that the hurry-up music already?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:23 AM on March 2, 2018 [13 favorites]


The only reason I click on any of these list threads is to see all of the posts where people ignore the list entirely and post the actual best stuff.

Alright then:

Robin Williams winning for Good Will Hunting, and Billy Crystal sneaking out from the wings to sieze the chance to congratulate him as soon as possible.

The performance of "Glory" at the ceremony, a short while before winning for Best Song.


At the 2005 Oscars: instead of letting Jorge Drexler perform his own song "Al Otro Lado Del Rio" at the ceremony, the director got Santana and Antonio Banderas to do an easy-listening cover of it for some reason. Then, later, when Drexler won, instead of making a speech, he did a verse of the song properly.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:25 AM on March 2, 2018 [5 favorites]


I've been watching old Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts on Amazon Video the last few days, and this fits right in with that headspace. Bookmarked for much viewing pleasure.

(And yes, Sys Rq, it also drives me crazy when reviewers of older works don't make any effort to learn about any of the historical context. With so much information at our fingertips! (Especially if they're getting paid, which, granted, in this case I don't know.)
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:32 AM on March 2, 2018


It's neat to compare and contrast opening numbers from different years:

1978

1988

Speaking of 1978, I can't seem to find the Debby Boone performance of "You Light Up My Life" on that Oscars YT channel. I guess there's a reason for that...the children who appeared on stage with her and were supposed to be signing the song didn't know ASL at all.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:07 AM on March 2, 2018 [1 favorite]


I actually kind of liked how they opened last years' ceremony with one of the best-song nominees (and I know "Can't Stop The Feeling" isn't the most ground-breaking song, but it works well as a "let's kick things off" thing, and everyone looks like they're having fun).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:16 AM on March 2, 2018 [1 favorite]


Robin Williams winning for Good Will Hunting, and Billy Crystal sneaking out from the wings to sieze the chance to congratulate him as soon as possible.

Warning: have tissues ready for all the dust that will suddenly appear in your midst
posted by the return of the thin white sock at 12:20 PM on March 2, 2018


Three 6 Mafia wins for Best Original Song, Jon Stewart: "You know what? I think it just got a little easier out here for a pimp."
posted by chimpsonfilm at 12:57 PM on March 2, 2018 [2 favorites]


"Three 6 Mafia: 1, Martin Scorsese: nothing."
posted by whuppy at 1:41 PM on March 2, 2018 [3 favorites]


Odd moment: Hope is introduced by John Wayne and comes out, hilariously, with an eye patch, an homage to Wayne’s role in True Grit, for which he would win the Best Actor Oscar that year. But then Hope hands him the patch, seeming to call him “Moishe” and suggesting he “go out and sell a few shirts.” It might be a yarmulke joke.

Yarmulke? Seriously? Google: The Man In The Hathaway Shirt
posted by hal9k at 1:49 PM on March 2, 2018 [2 favorites]


Oh, I remembered seeing this at the time and LOVED it: when Bill Condon, the screenwriter for Gods and Monsters, won for best adapted screenplay, the camera kept cutting to the three stars - Brendan Fraser, Ian McKellen, and Lynn Redgrave - who were all sitting near each other, and who all looked so damn happy.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:59 PM on March 2, 2018 [4 favorites]


Crying at my desk at work over Robin Williams

Can't stop to explain why to my coworkers because a client is about to come in for a meeting

Won't be able to explain to them why I look like a panda with pneumonia

God, Robin Williams, I miss you
posted by Hermione Granger at 2:38 PM on March 2, 2018 [2 favorites]


If we’re stuck here tonight and run out of food, that’s the order in which we eat them.

This is why we shoot the cans.
posted by clavdivs at 2:56 PM on March 2, 2018


My favourite Oscar moment exists only in my head - it is Anne Murray performing "Blame Canada" from South Park. I can understand why she passed on the opportunity, but it would have been glorious.
posted by nubs at 6:49 PM on March 2, 2018 [2 favorites]


Odd moment: Hope is introduced by John Wayne and comes out, hilariously, with an eye patch, an homage to Wayne’s role in True Grit, for which he would win the Best Actor Oscar that year. But then Hope hands him the patch, seeming to call him “Moishe” and suggesting he “go out and sell a few shirts.” It might be a yarmulke joke.

Yarmulke? Seriously? Google: The Man In The Hathaway Shirt


Also Google: Moshe Dayan.
posted by themanwho at 8:41 PM on March 2, 2018 [2 favorites]


Stanley Donan singing to his Oscar and doing a little tap dance will always be one of my favourite Oscar moments.
posted by h00py at 9:13 PM on March 2, 2018 [1 favorite]


I went looking for it, but couldn't find it - I swear I once saw Cher as a presenter for some kind of Special Effects award. She was wearing an elaborate hat with some kind of motor inside that was driving some kind of spinning thing on it, and she began her presentation by gesturing to the hat and saying, "for those who were uncertain what this category covers - this is a special effect."

All I could find were clips of her wearing an elaborate Bob Mackie Vegas-style costume and joking "you can see I have received my booklet on 'How To Dress Like A Serious Actress'."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:20 AM on March 3, 2018 [2 favorites]


Oh - and those of you seeking something to leaven the tears over Robin Williams: he spun that incident into comedy in later interviews because there was one person he forgot to thank.

His mother.

Whom he had brought with him to the ceremony.

In one interview, after mentioning hat, he quipped "even my therapist was like, 'how could you???'"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:27 AM on March 3, 2018 [3 favorites]


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