This lightweight shield provides backing vocals
March 16, 2018 5:43 AM   Subscribe

 
Bubbly Boxer Shorts of Wind
This pearlescent pair of tighty-whiteys allows the user to summon 10 mile-per-hour winds in any direction they choose while it's worn, and it emits a colorful spray of bubbles while working. Only works once a day.
Welp, that went downhill fast.
posted by darksasami at 5:57 AM on March 16, 2018 [5 favorites]


This is like the Alibaba drop-shipper version of Fantasy Costco™.
posted by Strange Interlude at 6:12 AM on March 16, 2018 [15 favorites]


My melee Bard would have loved that shield.
posted by tobascodagama at 6:32 AM on March 16, 2018 [1 favorite]


Ribboned Mace of Social Media
A ribbon-decked mace updates your Facebook and Twitter every time it is used whenever it strikes an enemy. Very festive! Yes, it updates Facebook and Twitter even if you don't want it to.

I'm pretty sure that somewhere in San Francisco, a startup is working on exactly this. They're planning to get some initial seed money through indiegogo to demonstrate public demand, and then go for a round of VC financing. Right now they're freaking out that this has blown their IP wide open and wondering if they can slap Metafilter with a Cease and Desist.
posted by Naberius at 6:32 AM on March 16, 2018 [5 favorites]


Awesome Crossbow of Silence
This kickass, spike-studded heavy crossbow cancels all sound in 20 foot sphere whereever one of its bolts strikes and makes you the envy of all other adventurers. Putting the object in a container can muffle the effect.

It's been a long time since I've played D&D, but that one seems almost game-breaking useful. So I think players might actually like this - there's some gold when the stars line up.
posted by Kikujiro's Summer at 6:33 AM on March 16, 2018 [2 favorites]


Distracting Marker of WiFi Detection
This mirrored permanent marker lights up when there is a strong Internet connection nearby when the marker is used to draw on a wall or floor, and when this power is active, it creates a magical hologram of the user 10' away. (May not be suitable for all realities.)

Verizon onsite technicians in the Shadowrun universe, rejoice.
posted by FatherDagon at 6:50 AM on March 16, 2018 [5 favorites]


Slayer's Sword of Self-Defense
This spiked long sword allows the user to spray blinding acid from his fingertips at will when used in combat. Additionally, it can be wielded as a spiked club. The item gets 5 sprays per day.

Imagining the very, very careful way a wielder would have to hold this sword to not cover themselves in blinding acid mid-combat is a delight. Especially if you're trying to use the sword as a spiked club at the same time.
posted by FatherDagon at 6:52 AM on March 16, 2018


Glorious Crossbow of Cavorting
This crystal heavy crossbow grants the user the ability to dance in a captivating fashion whereever one of its bolts strikes. Whenever it is used, it creates a dazzling light show, attracting a lot of attention from onlookers. While not necessarily elegant, anyone watching the dance runs the risk of being transfixed for as long as the dancer can maintain the effort.

I'll take two, please. And an extra quiver of bolts.
posted by filthy light thief at 6:56 AM on March 16, 2018 [3 favorites]


Ruby Fortune cookie of Beatboxing
This ruby-topped fortune cookie provides backing vocals to anything the user says or sings when opened. Once a day, it can also shoot a beam of fire from the ruby top. The user can turn the beatboxing on and off at will.
posted by cooker girl at 7:04 AM on March 16, 2018


In the same spirit, my happy place from the dawn of the internet -- They Fight Crime! For example, "He's a fiendish sweet-toothed romance novelist who hides his scarred face behind a mask. She's a cold-hearted wisecracking mermaid with the power to bend men's minds. They fight crime!"
posted by beniamino at 7:08 AM on March 16, 2018 [5 favorites]


A Website of Many Things.
posted by Beholder at 7:11 AM on March 16, 2018 [3 favorites]


Incandescent Socks of Invisibility
This glowing pair of socks makes the user invisible while the socks are worn, but only when vigorously shaken. The effect ends after five minutes or if the user attacks another creature.

So I'm invisible, but the socks are glowing? And I have to shake my feet vigorously to maintain the effect? I'll take twelve!
posted by zeptoweasel at 7:27 AM on March 16, 2018 [2 favorites]


Buzzing Toaster of Beatboxing

This black-and-yellow toaster provides backing vocals to anything the user says or sings when plugged in. There is a 10% chance that instead of functioning properly, it emits a swarm of angry hornets. The user can turn the beatboxing on and off at will.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:32 AM on March 16, 2018


Spandex Manacles of Charm
This stretchy set of manacles gives the user a stunning, sparkling smile when their lock is opened... too bad the color clashes with everything.

What color clashes with everything? I was imagining black or grey.
posted by stillmoving at 7:32 AM on March 16, 2018


Deadly Scroll of Dolphins
This skull-topped scroll gives the user the ability to telekinetically communicate with dolphins when read, but only when undead are within 20 feet of the user. Works on porpoises, too.

Wait, teleKINETICally communicate?
posted by fings at 7:33 AM on March 16, 2018


Using DSL (Dolphin Sing Language) ofc. Also, it apparently speaks PSL too.
posted by bonehead at 7:38 AM on March 16, 2018


maybe it physically makes sound of dolphin speech manifest near the dolphin
posted by jrishel at 7:42 AM on March 16, 2018 [1 favorite]


Bronze Cupcake of Bones
A heavy, bronzed treat allows the user to animate dead skeletons into loyal minions when eaten, or at least it WOULD if someone hadn't covered it in bronze. Animated skeletons turn to dust after 20 minutes.


...along with your teeth.
posted by nubs at 7:45 AM on March 16, 2018


Elven Tankard of Lasers

This slender tankard fires powerful lasers whenever a full beer is drained from it in a single gulp. Additionally, the user sprouts pointy ears while wearing it. Only 5 lasers can be fired per day.

Yes please.
posted by RolandOfEld at 7:46 AM on March 16, 2018


It washes down the cupcake of course. Serendipity.
posted by RolandOfEld at 7:47 AM on March 16, 2018


Chocolate-coated Suit Jacket of Armor
A chocolate-coated, classy dinner jacket surround the user with an unseen field of force, providing some protection while worn, and every day it regrows a tasty shell of milk chocolate! The protection doesn't stack with any armor the character may be wearing.


For maximum style results, pair with the Elven Tankard of Lasers.
posted by nubs at 8:03 AM on March 16, 2018


Jittering Cigarettes of the Kraken
This lightly-vibrating pack of cigarettes attacks everyone within 5 feet with eight stubby tentacles when one is smoked. It can convert up to one gallon of water into espresso, once per day. The wielder is not attacked.


literally everything i've ever wanted in a smoke break at work
posted by halation at 8:09 AM on March 16, 2018 [9 favorites]


Jester's Cupcake of the Sloth
This bell-laden treat saps the user's energy, making them lethargic and sleepy when eaten. The user is also considerably better at delivering jokes while using it. The only way the user can stop using the item is if someone else takes ownership while the user is sleeping.

Now we know what happened to Mitch Hedberg.
posted by FatherDagon at 8:10 AM on March 16, 2018 [2 favorites]


Alert Bomb of Truth
This faintly purple explosive device creates a 10 foot zone that prevents creatures from lying when detonated. This item's owner can activate this power from up to 100 feet away just by thinking about it. The effect only works for 15 minutes a day.

I thought this was supposed to be a funny thing. This is legit something I want for the world right now.
posted by like_neon at 8:12 AM on March 16, 2018 [1 favorite]


He's a time-tossed flyboy cat burglar on a mission from God. She's a transdimensional nymphomaniac queen of the dead with the power to see death. They fight crime!

I would watch the fuck out of that show.
posted by sexyrobot at 8:18 AM on March 16, 2018


What color clashes with everything? I was imagining black or grey.

Fluorescent brown.
posted by sexyrobot at 8:21 AM on March 16, 2018 [1 favorite]


Golden Mirror of Dynamite

This solid-gold mirror explodes violently, exactly one minute later when the mirror is looked into, and every time you use it, 5 gold pieces pop out!

That...that doesn't seem like adequate compensation.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:25 AM on March 16, 2018 [1 favorite]


What colour clashes with everything?

Octarine.
posted by Segundus at 8:47 AM on March 16, 2018 [1 favorite]


This kickass, spike-studded heavy crossbow cancels all sound in 20 foot sphere whereever one of its bolts strikes and makes you the envy of all other adventurers. Putting the object in a container can muffle the effect.


This is really similar to something that was going to appear in a homebrew game I ran- a group of NPC assassins had arrows enchanted with a silence spell. Sadly the game broke up before the players got to meet them; I was really curious about how they would handle the situation.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 8:55 AM on March 16, 2018


Plaid Pointy Hat of the Squirrel
This tartan cone-shaped hat allows the user to detect the nearest stash of nuts within a mile radius when the hat is tipped at a target, but the pattern really clashes with everything else you own. Note: Peanuts are not nuts.
Pretty much my everyday hat.
How did they know?!
posted by evilDoug at 8:57 AM on March 16, 2018


Dwarven Hat of Beasts
This sturdy hat causes all nearby animals to treat the user like a friend when dramatically thrown to the floor. Additionally, the user smells like a dwarf.

Not sure if worth it...
posted by Spacelegoman at 9:26 AM on March 16, 2018


Buzzing Boxer Shorts of Magic Detection
This black-and-yellow pair of tighty-whiteys causes nearby traces of magic to glow neon blue while it's worn. There is a 10% chance that instead of functioning properly, it emits a swarm of angry hornets.

Definitely not worth it...
posted by Spacelegoman at 9:37 AM on March 16, 2018 [1 favorite]


Striped Lingerie of Doom
Garishly-striped, this, lacy lingerie instills a vague yet pressing feeling of doom in anyone the user glares at when worn. Anyone using this item becomes dizzy for 10 minutes afterwards.
posted by nubs at 9:42 AM on March 16, 2018


Striped Pipe of Luminensence
Garishly-striped, this old-fashioned pipe casts a 50 foot radius of light while smoked. Anyone using this item becomes dizzy for 10 minutes afterwards.

this is a bong
posted by The Whelk at 9:46 AM on March 16, 2018 [8 favorites]



Necromantic Beans of Awareness

This blood-red pouch containing 6 beans makes the user aware of any hiding or invisible creatures within 50 feet whenever a bean is eaten, but harms the user every time it's used. The user does not learn what type of creature is hiding or uncover creatures disguised as other creatures - it merely makes the user aware of the creature's position.

Beans that analyze instead of beans to analyze?!? It's the ultimate Russian Reversal for a MeFite magic user!
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:58 AM on March 16, 2018 [3 favorites]


Weighted Orb of Business Management

This hefty orb grants the user an advanced understand of how to run a small business when the command word is spoken, and it doubles as a pretty effective club. It comes with a small, framed degree.


Seems quite practical.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 10:01 AM on March 16, 2018



Imaginary Bag of Golems
This golden, glittering leather bag summons a small but powerful golem who only obeys the summoner when someone other than the owner opens it, but only the wielder can be affected by it. The golem disappears after 30 minutes or when destroyed, and can't be resummoned for 24 hours.

Wait. Who affects the what now?
posted by Tabitha Someday at 10:17 AM on March 16, 2018 [1 favorite]


Giant Frying Pan of Needles
An oversized frying pan fires a burst of razor-sharp needles when food is cooked on it, Can only be used 10 times.


On second thought, let's go out for dinner tonight.
posted by Foosnark at 11:05 AM on March 16, 2018 [3 favorites]


On third thought, that is an excellent assassination plan
posted by The Whelk at 11:20 AM on March 16, 2018


Related: GoComics has begun rerunning Jon Rosenberg's "Goats" from the beginning of its full color/story arc era, where Toothgnip, the semi-title character, talks about his "Panties of Potency". Webcomics have been a good source for absurd items, especially the RPG-themed ones.
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:39 AM on March 16, 2018


Dwarven Throne of the Squirrel

This sturdy throne allows the user to detect the nearest stash of nuts within a mile radius when occupied by someone of royal blood. Additionally, the user smells like a dwarf. Note: Peanuts are not nuts.

MetaFilter: Note: Peanuts are not nuts: Port of Call: New Orleans:The Next Generation: Based on the novel Push, by Sapphire.
posted by Naberius at 11:59 AM on March 16, 2018


Aloe Horseshoes of Masonry
This lightly-scented set of horseshoes allows the user to telekinetically reassemble bricks when affixed to a horse's hooves, and it soothes as it works. The user can move 10 feet of brick wall every minute.

Do you think the horseshoes are made of aloe or just smell like aloe?
posted by Ashwagandha at 12:12 PM on March 16, 2018


Magic Button of Endless Reloads
This small red button will cause a website to become so popular it may not function correctly, impeding latecomers from seeing its contents. Can only be used once per day.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 1:18 PM on March 16, 2018


Orcbane Spatula of Feathers

A rusted, barbed, stainless-steel spatula allows the user to gently glide to the floor no matter how far they fall while preparing breakfast. It's twice as effective if used against orcs. If feathers are plucked out, they will regrow within a day.

Rusted stainless steel you say.. hmm.
posted by some loser at 2:56 PM on March 16, 2018


Orcbane Shield of Swimming

A rusted, barbed shield grants an improved ability to swim whenever an attack is blocked. It's twice as effective if used against orcs.

The perfect accessory for swimming in an overcrowded Barton Springs. I NEED protection from those flank speed goggled head-down lapswimming orcs.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 8:13 PM on March 16, 2018 [1 favorite]


Imaginary Bag of Golems

Is it better to have (A) an imaginary bag of golems, or (B) a bag of imaginary golems?

Unless you have some other container, or the means to compel golems to follow you under their own power of locomotion, do the concrete golems of (A) provide more benefits than the imaginary golems of (B)?

Either way, I've got "O, Them Golden Golems" stuck in my head for the duration.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:42 PM on March 16, 2018


My halfling bard, Finian Hambone, went out clothes shopping in our campaign yesterday, in preparation for an upcoming date and a series of royal coronation balls. Finian likes what he likes and has no taste. He fell in love with a griffin-feather poncho with white linen trousers and pale pink tinted glasses, and also purchased the in-world equivalent of a "fashion-forward" 1970s outfit: large pointed collar on a swirly lavender shirt with a smartly tailored vest, flared pants, and a bunny medallion (Finian has a pet bunny he carries everywhere).

Anyway, he wound up passing up two outfits that actually had magical properties (because he was just too in love with the non-magical poncho outfit to care): a sahuagin-skin jumpsuit studded with rhinestones (a LOT of rhinestones) and a "gargoyle suit" with the appearance and feel of weathered stone but the smooth, flowing movement of velvet.
posted by duffell at 6:28 PM on March 17, 2018


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