“Luigi’s bulge is about 40 pixels long,”
March 17, 2018 9:28 AM   Subscribe

Bowser Is Only Four Feet Tall, Judging By Luigi’s Penis [Kotaku] “Thanks to this promotional image for the upcoming Mario Tennis Aces, an intrepid fan figured out how big Luigi’s dick is. Let’s use their math to figure out the sizes of other Mario objects and characters. Let’s not beat around the bush here. In this promotional picture for Mario Tennis Aces, you can see the outline of something in his pants that is more than just Ken-doll smoothness. Assuming it’s not a 1-up mushroom that he stashed away for later, that is presumably Luigi’s penis.”

• Luigi definitely has a dick, and it's 3.7 inches flaccid [A.V. Club]
“Artists toil away at their creations, but at a certain point they must let them go out into the world, after which they cannot control how an audience receives and transforms their work. Case in point: The family-friendly video-game magnates at Nintendo, who increasingly must deal with the fact that the people who play their robustly designed flagship Mario games are extremely curious about their characters’ genitalia. Just last year, in the promotional run-up to the delightful Super Mario Odyssey, an image was released revealing the exact shape and location of Mario’s pert nipples. This raised a whole host of questions about the physiology of humanoids within the Mushroom Kingdom, some of which were answered by the unveiling of an official Mario comic from the late ‘80s, which confirmed with finality that, yep, Mario has a penis. Nintendo, probably sort of exhausted but mostly unfazed by all this shit, just continued steadily at their work.”
• I for One Am Not Convinced That Luigi Has a Penis [Slate]
“A turn of cloth? Perhaps. A convex form? Maybe. A penis? Wishful thinking. Looking for a penis in Luigi’s tennis shorts is like looking for the Virgin Mary in a piece of toast or insisting that cloud really does look like a dinosaur with a saddle. The mathematical marking therein has the air of scientific rigor, as much pseudoscientific and conspiratorial line-drawing does, but it only makes sense if we accept the axiom of Luigi’s penis as evidently true. There is some evidence that Luigi’s brother, Mario, has something resembling human genitalia. In a 1988 comic by Kazuki Motoyama, Mario is seen pantsless with two lines that are likely to be interpreted as such. Assuming that comic counts as Mario canon—a debatable assumption—the lack of detail is still far from conclusive. Still, even if we assume that yes, Mario has a penis, it does not necessarily mean Luigi, ipso facto, has one too. Luigi, after all, is a being made of pixels, not the flesh-and-blood Italian plumber he is meant to resemble. It is possible that Luigi has genitals, but who is to say they do not resemble those of a duck’s? Or perhaps a male octopus, whose genitals reside in one its many arms?”
posted by Fizz (45 comments total) 13 users marked this as a favorite


 
I'm really torn between "Is this NSFW?" and "This is what we get for complaining about low-fidelity Nintendo console graphics".
posted by crysflame at 9:31 AM on March 17, 2018 [2 favorites]


It's about penises in video game journalism.
posted by phooky at 9:32 AM on March 17, 2018 [25 favorites]


If they're converting pixels to inches based on the size of a standard tennis racket, why is the size of Luigi's penis involved at all? It seems like an extraneous variable.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 9:40 AM on March 17, 2018 [10 favorites]


It seems like an extraneous variable.

Video game journalists are notorious plumberphiles. Speculation on plumber’s genitals is like second nature to them.
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:47 AM on March 17, 2018 [4 favorites]


Honestly, measuring lengths in Luigi dicks makes as much sense or as little sense as any imperial units.
posted by Beardman at 9:56 AM on March 17, 2018 [15 favorites]


i enjoy when Slate makes fun of their own contrarian tendencies!
posted by vogon_poet at 10:05 AM on March 17, 2018


So size is important?
posted by Segundus at 10:08 AM on March 17, 2018


why do we do this to ourselves and others

when I was a kid, I was weirded out by Mario. I loved the games but at the same time I was creeped out by being unsure if he was a cute little cartoon or a big hairy guy from Brooklyn. I manage to forget this deep weirdness for years at a time and here it is again
posted by Countess Elena at 10:10 AM on March 17, 2018 [10 favorites]


What the hell you guys
posted by Grandysaur at 10:12 AM on March 17, 2018 [20 favorites]


MetaFilter: why is the size of Luigi's penis involved at all? It seems like an extraneous variable.
posted by yhbc at 10:13 AM on March 17, 2018 [2 favorites]




Honestly, measuring lengths in Luigi dicks makes as much sense or as little sense as any imperial units.

I know! It’s like all those biblical things measured in q*berts!
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:15 AM on March 17, 2018 [33 favorites]


The beauty of Mario is that even hairy guys from Brooklyn can be cute cartoons, too. We contain multitudes.
posted by kaibutsu at 10:16 AM on March 17, 2018 [6 favorites]


It seems like an extraneous variable.

Not if you're Luigi...
posted by jim in austin at 10:19 AM on March 17, 2018 [10 favorites]


It's about penises in video game journalism.

Same as it ever was
posted by Gorgik at 10:21 AM on March 17, 2018 [6 favorites]


I'm not sorry I posted this. Not. At. All.

!
posted by Fizz at 10:23 AM on March 17, 2018 [9 favorites]


posted by Grandysaur : What the hell you guys

This. So much this. All the this.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 10:47 AM on March 17, 2018


Wait, Luigi is the tall one, right? Nice mustache, looks good in green? Hmm...in-ter-est-ing...
posted by sexyrobot at 10:58 AM on March 17, 2018


I was just thinking the other day about making a PICO 8 demake parody called Love Luigi ~ Dress Up Bros, and now this
posted by cortex at 11:05 AM on March 17, 2018 [8 favorites]


It seems like an extraneous variable.

I often feel that way about my penis.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:24 AM on March 17, 2018 [3 favorites]


I was gonna post this as an FPP eventually since it's still in alpha, but somehow it seems appropriate here: speaking of flaccid.
posted by rewil at 11:30 AM on March 17, 2018 [7 favorites]


I was gonna post this as an FPP eventually since it's still in alpha, but somehow it seems appropriate here: speaking of flaccid.

I enjoyed that WAAY too much. :D
posted by Fizz at 11:33 AM on March 17, 2018 [1 favorite]


3.7 inches flaccid

Oh, come on. Flaccid? What a useless measurement. Too much fluctuation. Are we talking skinnydipping in the Arctic Ocean flaccid, or yanking the bejeezus out of it in a sauna flaccid? Tennis court flaccid doesn’t mean anything.

And besides, it’s pointless trying to size anything up before first sorting out the meat from the potatoes. To say nothing of the very real possibility of fabric ghost wang.

With such sloppy journalism, I don’t know how they expect us to take any of this seriously.
posted by Sys Rq at 12:17 PM on March 17, 2018 [11 favorites]


I'm with Sys Rq. Why are we assuming Luigi's a shower? Based on all the mushroom-based magic in the games, he's gotta be a grower, right?
posted by rokusan at 1:31 PM on March 17, 2018 [5 favorites]


Come on team, most of those rackets aren't face on to the camera, you've got to take perspective into account when you're doing penisleuthing.
posted by lucidium at 1:33 PM on March 17, 2018 [1 favorite]


So you're saying we need to consider pixel girth.
posted by rokusan at 1:36 PM on March 17, 2018


I don't think I've ever said "that's enough internet for today", but that's enough internet for today.
posted by jklaiho at 1:39 PM on March 17, 2018 [9 favorites]


Has anyone considered that it might be a foreign object, such as a cucumber?
posted by TedW at 2:14 PM on March 17, 2018 [1 favorite]


MetaFilter: Tennis court flaccid doesn’t mean anything.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:26 PM on March 17, 2018 [2 favorites]


According to the Rule 34 website porn link definitely NSFW Luigi's penis is anywhere between tiny and a giant tentacle monster in size. Also Luigi is very into Princess Peach, Mario, Star Fox, Yoshi and what looks like some random dragonkin. And Waluigi too and I can't even tell, is that incest-wrong or just ordinary wrong? Also some Luigis have vulvae, not penises.
posted by Nelson at 2:58 PM on March 17, 2018 [2 favorites]


waluigi is not luigi's brother fyi, so it's fine.
posted by vogon_poet at 4:27 PM on March 17, 2018


Y'all need to stop with the video games and go get some fresh air. Go play in the yard, ride a bicycle, or go on a hike. Seriously.
posted by happyroach at 5:54 PM on March 17, 2018 [2 favorites]


This is obviously just a teaser for their new game, Super Mario Orgy.
posted by sexyrobot at 6:12 PM on March 17, 2018 [2 favorites]


Has John Leguizamo made a public statement yet?
posted by duffell at 6:23 PM on March 17, 2018 [1 favorite]


Why did I open this post and thread?
posted by loquacious at 6:34 PM on March 17, 2018 [2 favorites]


fabric ghost wang

Sockpuppet name up for grabs...
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:39 PM on March 17, 2018


Come on team, most of those rackets aren't face on to the camera, you've got to take perspective into account when you're doing penisleuthing.

Thank God I'm not the only one who cares about this. You can't just measure pixels with the racket pointed at a 45 degree angle toward the camera. Luigi's picture works because his racket is mostly perpendicular.

However, judging from the size difference between Mario and the (presumably) normal humans of New Donk City these height estimates probably aren't too far off.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 10:36 PM on March 17, 2018 [1 favorite]


Luigi's picture works because his racket is mostly perpendicular.

Thats'a what she said!
posted by rokusan at 12:32 AM on March 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


Speaking of Super Mario Odyssey nipples, the SMO speedrunning community has actually memed up a category called "Nipple %". As the name implies, timing ends when Mario's nipples are revealed. Currently about a 10 minute WR, but there's not much to recommend it: the only real goal of the run is to quickly collect the coins to buy the.. no clothing for Mario.
posted by TypographicalError at 2:10 AM on March 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


i think it's pretty obvious that in the image luigi has a massive erection, extending upwards into his shirt ...
posted by LeviQayin at 5:34 AM on March 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


luigi has a massive erection, extending upwards into his shirt ...

That would be more in keeping with hentai tropes, or so I've heard.

*shifty eyes*
posted by Fizz at 5:53 AM on March 18, 2018


something something plumbers, something laying pipe
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:05 PM on March 18, 2018


> extending upwards into his shirt

I cannot unsee this now. I just... this whole thread... seconding the “why did I open this”

I’ve been kind of annoyed at the tendency for almost every indy game to use lo-fi retro pixel art lately - no more. I see some obvious advantages to this now.
posted by MysticMCJ at 7:59 AM on March 19, 2018


That would be more in keeping with hentai tropes, or so I've heard.

Ah, fuck. Why did I open this thread again?
posted by loquacious at 9:40 AM on March 19, 2018


Also Luigi is very into Princess Peach

But is he into her in just a casual way, or in a Call Me by Your Name way?
posted by e1c at 11:22 AM on March 19, 2018


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