Metafilter.com: You've thought about a lot of plates of beans.
March 20, 2018 8:31 AM Subscribe
FocusOnTheFamily.com: Your teenage daughter is a sexually-active Juggalo.
Heh.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:38 AM on March 20, 2018 [17 favorites]
Heh.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:38 AM on March 20, 2018 [17 favorites]
I don't get this one.
Yeah, who does that?
Twitter.com: If the internet went down for two hours, you’d drive off the nearest bridge — while hitting refresh.
Man, I really need to take a break on that shit.
posted by Artw at 8:41 AM on March 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
Yeah, who does that?
Twitter.com: If the internet went down for two hours, you’d drive off the nearest bridge — while hitting refresh.
Man, I really need to take a break on that shit.
posted by Artw at 8:41 AM on March 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
Forbes.com: You have achieved climax while converting an IRA into a Roth-IRA.
Does that mean that Forbes readers are sexually fulfilled by paying taxes right now?
posted by srboisvert at 8:41 AM on March 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
Does that mean that Forbes readers are sexually fulfilled by paying taxes right now?
posted by srboisvert at 8:41 AM on March 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
Bing.com: You cook asparagus in your four-slot toaster oven.
I don't get this one.
Probably it is that nobody has ever tried either.
posted by srboisvert at 8:42 AM on March 20, 2018 [12 favorites]
I don't get this one.
Probably it is that nobody has ever tried either.
posted by srboisvert at 8:42 AM on March 20, 2018 [12 favorites]
Metafilter: You compulsively check other witty comments to see if they've got more favorites than yours.*
AskMe: You were so upset from your relationship troubles that you ate that expired yogurt.
*...so I've heard
posted by leotrotsky at 8:43 AM on March 20, 2018 [35 favorites]
AskMe: You were so upset from your relationship troubles that you ate that expired yogurt.
*...so I've heard
posted by leotrotsky at 8:43 AM on March 20, 2018 [35 favorites]
McSweenys.net: You are so old you apparently forgot Instagram is a thing.
posted by The Bellman at 8:43 AM on March 20, 2018 [17 favorites]
posted by The Bellman at 8:43 AM on March 20, 2018 [17 favorites]
Medium.com: You keep a running list of think piece ideas in Evernote.
... ouch.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 8:44 AM on March 20, 2018 [8 favorites]
... ouch.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 8:44 AM on March 20, 2018 [8 favorites]
FaceBook.com: because who needs the Internet?
posted by Juso No Thankyou at 8:45 AM on March 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Juso No Thankyou at 8:45 AM on March 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
Metafilter: You will read an entire McSweeny's list just to see if Metafilter is on it.
posted by OHenryPacey at 8:48 AM on March 20, 2018 [112 favorites]
posted by OHenryPacey at 8:48 AM on March 20, 2018 [112 favorites]
McSweenys.net: You are so old you apparently forgot Instagram is a thing.
I know that Instagram technically has a website, but isn't the use case for Instagram more about the app and/or embedding photos from Instagram into other social media?
Instagram belongs on this list just slightly more than Snapchat, which is to say, not really at all.
posted by explosion at 8:50 AM on March 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
I know that Instagram technically has a website, but isn't the use case for Instagram more about the app and/or embedding photos from Instagram into other social media?
Instagram belongs on this list just slightly more than Snapchat, which is to say, not really at all.
posted by explosion at 8:50 AM on March 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
Mastodon.Social (or any other Mastodon Instance): You are queer / furry / communist / a game developer / an open source developer / any combination or permutation of the above.
posted by SansPoint at 8:52 AM on March 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by SansPoint at 8:52 AM on March 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
Forbes.com: You have achieved climax while converting an IRA into a Roth-IRA.
Does that mean that Forbes readers are sexually fulfilled by paying taxes right now?
posted by srboisvert at 11:41 AM on March 20 [+] [!]
It is if they think income rates will go up in the future. They also get to skip the RMDs at 70.5, and pass on tax-free to heirs. Roth conversions are effectively tax-neutral if your bracket isn't going to change.
I'm sorry, none of those comments are particularly funny. The last website I was on before this one was the WSJ's Economic Forecasting Survey.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:52 AM on March 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
Does that mean that Forbes readers are sexually fulfilled by paying taxes right now?
posted by srboisvert at 11:41 AM on March 20 [+] [!]
It is if they think income rates will go up in the future. They also get to skip the RMDs at 70.5, and pass on tax-free to heirs. Roth conversions are effectively tax-neutral if your bracket isn't going to change.
I'm sorry, none of those comments are particularly funny. The last website I was on before this one was the WSJ's Economic Forecasting Survey.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:52 AM on March 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
Tumblr.com: Your parents don’t understand you. Nobody does.
LiveJournal.com: Your parents didn't get you 25 years ago; now you don't get your kids' subcultural expressions (black lipstick, PVC clothes and multiple lip piercings, but listening to Kanye West and PC Music? What's up with that?)
alternatively:
LiveJournal.com: Ты русский
posted by acb at 8:55 AM on March 20, 2018 [23 favorites]
LiveJournal.com: Your parents didn't get you 25 years ago; now you don't get your kids' subcultural expressions (black lipstick, PVC clothes and multiple lip piercings, but listening to Kanye West and PC Music? What's up with that?)
alternatively:
LiveJournal.com: Ты русский
posted by acb at 8:55 AM on March 20, 2018 [23 favorites]
Mastodon.Social (or any other Mastodon Instance): You stop strangers on the street to warn them of the risks posed to their privacy on the internet.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:56 AM on March 20, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by leotrotsky at 8:56 AM on March 20, 2018 [10 favorites]
OHenryPacey, when I floated this link in Chat before I was bullied asked to (thanks Juso No Thankyou ;-)) turn it into an FPP, that was actually something that was discussed in a roundabout way (thanks slipthought for that).
I've officially used as many links in this comment as I have FPP's to my name.
posted by deezil at 8:58 AM on March 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
I've officially used as many links in this comment as I have FPP's to my name.
posted by deezil at 8:58 AM on March 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
Metafilter: You will read an entire McSweeny's list just to see if Metafilter is on it.
it me
posted by slipthought at 9:02 AM on March 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
it me
posted by slipthought at 9:02 AM on March 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
Cracked.com: You’re funemployed.
Not sure what this means either. (It's my second favorite site after Metafilter)
posted by Melismata at 9:07 AM on March 20, 2018
Not sure what this means either. (It's my second favorite site after Metafilter)
posted by Melismata at 9:07 AM on March 20, 2018
The only entry in this list that actually made me chuckle was the last one, so... um.
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:08 AM on March 20, 2018
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:08 AM on March 20, 2018
before I was bullied asked to
Glad to be of service!
posted by Juso No Thankyou at 9:09 AM on March 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Glad to be of service!
posted by Juso No Thankyou at 9:09 AM on March 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Bing.com: You cook asparagus in your four-slot toaster oven.
could be based on the fact that users of Bing are generally less-techy since the only person I can see doing the above is an inebriated college kid or my sober, still-all-there grandma
posted by runt at 9:20 AM on March 20, 2018
could be based on the fact that users of Bing are generally less-techy since the only person I can see doing the above is an inebriated college kid or my sober, still-all-there grandma
posted by runt at 9:20 AM on March 20, 2018
Cracked.com: You’re funemployed.
Not sure what this means either. (It's my second favorite site after Metafilter)
funemployed
posted by candyland at 9:22 AM on March 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Not sure what this means either. (It's my second favorite site after Metafilter)
funemployed
posted by candyland at 9:22 AM on March 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
MetaFilter: You have no idea how these people got their cats wedged into their scanners, or why, but you once flamed out epically on MetaTalk about it.
posted by entropicamericana at 9:24 AM on March 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by entropicamericana at 9:24 AM on March 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
Thanks, candyland. I still don't get it. Cracked is incredibly profound sometimes.
Ask Metafilter: don't eat it and DTMFA.
posted by Melismata at 9:27 AM on March 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
Ask Metafilter: don't eat it and DTMFA.
posted by Melismata at 9:27 AM on March 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
Andy Borowitz is leaking
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:29 AM on March 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:29 AM on March 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
Babycenter: you don't have a baby, but you do have a hungry llama
posted by Baethan at 9:35 AM on March 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Baethan at 9:35 AM on March 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
That was... one of the most obvious and least funny McSweeney's things I have ever read. I am disappoint.
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:45 AM on March 20, 2018
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:45 AM on March 20, 2018
Hey now, reddit is right there. Don't cross the streams Peter.
posted by bonehead at 9:57 AM on March 20, 2018
posted by bonehead at 9:57 AM on March 20, 2018
I'm not "funemployed"!
I'm "funfit for work"!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:27 AM on March 20, 2018 [20 favorites]
I'm "funfit for work"!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:27 AM on March 20, 2018 [20 favorites]
I don't think I have a favorite website. I have places I spend too much time looking at. "Favorite" would imply I went there out of actual joy or delight rather than habit.
posted by egypturnash at 11:08 AM on March 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by egypturnash at 11:08 AM on March 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
Metafilter: You will read an entire McSweeny's list just to see if Metafilter is on it.
Metafilter: You started scanning TFA and then CTRL+F'd halfway through to see if Metafilter is on it
posted by alleycat01 at 11:27 AM on March 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
Metafilter: You started scanning TFA and then CTRL+F'd halfway through to see if Metafilter is on it
posted by alleycat01 at 11:27 AM on March 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
McSweeneys.net: You enjoy it when the last item in a list is a pattern break, or meta, in some fashion
You’ve got to be a little meaner about your site, guys.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:30 AM on March 20, 2018
You’ve got to be a little meaner about your site, guys.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:30 AM on March 20, 2018
I disagree with the infowars one. The marketing blurb said it was safe against radioactive fallout. It is not actually safe against radioactive fallout. Or anything else, really. Also it incubates E. coli.
posted by ckape at 12:43 PM on March 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by ckape at 12:43 PM on March 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
This is a potentially ok bit but is fatally lacking in actual funny
McSweeneys: you like New Yorker cartoons but think they're sometimes a little 'out there'
posted by Sebmojo at 1:22 PM on March 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
McSweeneys: you like New Yorker cartoons but think they're sometimes a little 'out there'
posted by Sebmojo at 1:22 PM on March 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
That was... one of the most obvious and least funny McSweeney's things I have ever read.
I keep telling myself that's the joke, but I haven't quite convinced me yet.
posted by octobersurprise at 1:26 PM on March 20, 2018
I keep telling myself that's the joke, but I haven't quite convinced me yet.
posted by octobersurprise at 1:26 PM on March 20, 2018
They are so bad.
Horse Riders Gazetteer: You ride horses!
Plumbers weekly: You are a plumber!
MAD magazine: you have a mental illness!
Also leaving out something awful dot com is unforgivable
un
for
giv
a
ble
posted by Sebmojo at 1:31 PM on March 20, 2018
Horse Riders Gazetteer: You ride horses!
Plumbers weekly: You are a plumber!
MAD magazine: you have a mental illness!
Also leaving out something awful dot com is unforgivable
un
for
giv
a
ble
posted by Sebmojo at 1:31 PM on March 20, 2018
Ravelry: you have carpal tunnel syndrome and at least one Expedit shelving unit.
posted by jacquilynne at 1:32 PM on March 20, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 1:32 PM on March 20, 2018 [8 favorites]
I disagree with the infowars one.
Yeah, that one should be: "Infowars.com: You wake the sheeple, spend the child support on Super Male Vitality pills, and are about to shoot the pizza delivery boy."
posted by octobersurprise at 1:37 PM on March 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
Yeah, that one should be: "Infowars.com: You wake the sheeple, spend the child support on Super Male Vitality pills, and are about to shoot the pizza delivery boy."
posted by octobersurprise at 1:37 PM on March 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
Goop.com: You've just spent 800 dollars on a juice cleanse, a sterling silver enema nozzle, and 4 ounces of Himalayan pink salt.
posted by octobersurprise at 1:54 PM on March 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by octobersurprise at 1:54 PM on March 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
Mcsweeneys: You are a sober sort of person but appreciate a good clean 'jape' or jest from time to time
posted by Sebmojo at 1:55 PM on March 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Sebmojo at 1:55 PM on March 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
octobersurprise: The same line for Goop could also describe InfoWars. (Link goes to neither Goop or InfoWars.)
posted by SansPoint at 2:03 PM on March 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by SansPoint at 2:03 PM on March 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
The Onion: You look down on the people for whom McSweeney's is their favorite.
I checked my bookmarks and RSS feeds for my favorites and found a lot of webcomics, spin-offs of the Late Gawker, blogs by science fiction authors (including MeFi's own JScalzi and CStross) and HiLobrow. If you have the same favorites as I do, see your doctor immediately!
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:12 PM on March 20, 2018
I checked my bookmarks and RSS feeds for my favorites and found a lot of webcomics, spin-offs of the Late Gawker, blogs by science fiction authors (including MeFi's own JScalzi and CStross) and HiLobrow. If you have the same favorites as I do, see your doctor immediately!
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:12 PM on March 20, 2018
Google Reader: *uncontrollable sobbing*
funcontrollable sobbing
posted by ckape at 3:13 PM on March 20, 2018 [13 favorites]
funcontrollable sobbing
posted by ckape at 3:13 PM on March 20, 2018 [13 favorites]
MotherJones.com: You’ve read the entire label of a Dr. Bronner’s soap bottle.
Had a subscription to Mother Jones in the late 1970s/early 1980s and I've read the entire label on a Dr. Bronner's peppermint soap bottle. We had more time and longer attention spans, pre-internet.
But unless there's an abridged version of the label, I wouldn't assume this is true for those who read MotherJones.com.
posted by she's not there at 3:26 PM on March 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
Had a subscription to Mother Jones in the late 1970s/early 1980s and I've read the entire label on a Dr. Bronner's peppermint soap bottle. We had more time and longer attention spans, pre-internet.
But unless there's an abridged version of the label, I wouldn't assume this is true for those who read MotherJones.com.
posted by she's not there at 3:26 PM on March 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
4Chan: You dream of racist frogs, crushing the normies, and someday publishing your Putin hentai to wild acclaim.
posted by octobersurprise at 3:46 PM on March 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by octobersurprise at 3:46 PM on March 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
Kerrangg.com: You have a faded Iron Maiden concert tshirt which you wear even though it's a bit small for you!
posted by Sebmojo at 4:54 PM on March 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Sebmojo at 4:54 PM on March 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
Metafilter: You have strong opinions about TFA even though you didn't read it
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 7:46 PM on March 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 7:46 PM on March 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
cabal.metafilter.com: smugness is your default setting.
posted by Juso No Thankyou at 9:05 PM on March 20, 2018
posted by Juso No Thankyou at 9:05 PM on March 20, 2018
Also not sure what they're getting at but can confirm that I read a lot of cracked.com whilst funemployed.
posted by pianissimo at 8:27 AM on March 21, 2018
posted by pianissimo at 8:27 AM on March 21, 2018
Bing.com: You cook asparagus in your four-slot toaster oven.
I think what they're getting at is that Bing users have a predilection to using the wrong tool for the job (i.e. not Google).
posted by cardboard at 10:22 AM on March 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
I think what they're getting at is that Bing users have a predilection to using the wrong tool for the job (i.e. not Google).
posted by cardboard at 10:22 AM on March 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
OK, a lot of the entries are lame, but I really liked
"WallStreetJournal.com: You think having a favorite dinosaur is a waste of time"
in exactly the same way I love the vignette of the protagonist giving up on on date when he identifies his favorite book as Accounting II in the The Storied Life of A.J. Fikrey (a fun homage to books and reading). I love having a favorite dinosaur!
posted by Measured Out my Life in Coffeespoons at 8:52 PM on March 21, 2018
"WallStreetJournal.com: You think having a favorite dinosaur is a waste of time"
in exactly the same way I love the vignette of the protagonist giving up on on date when he identifies his favorite book as Accounting II in the The Storied Life of A.J. Fikrey (a fun homage to books and reading). I love having a favorite dinosaur!
posted by Measured Out my Life in Coffeespoons at 8:52 PM on March 21, 2018
Mostly pretty meh, but this grabbed me:
posted by mordax at 1:31 AM on March 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
FoxNews.com: You think RoboCop depicts a utopian society.That's... actually something I'm liable to use in conversation at some point now.
posted by mordax at 1:31 AM on March 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
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This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
I don't get this one.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:38 AM on March 20, 2018 [1 favorite]