20/M PLAYING FOOTBALL INJURED BUTTOCKS STRAIN BUTTOCK

April 2, 2018 4:28 PM

american injuries (@usinjuries) is "...a bot that tweets descriptions of emergency room visits from the National Electronic Injury Surveillance System. By @collinskeith." (CW: injuries)

Most injuries seem to be sports-related or from general clumsiness. Mainly concussions and contusions.

posted by Existential Dread (40 comments total)

There's something about the way this is presented that compels the viewer to visualize the scenario.

17/F HIT IN HEAD W A VACUUM WHILE GOING UP STAIRS BROTHER COMING DOW N W VACUUM CONCUSSION

Also hooray, my 100th MeFi post is something real dumb
posted by Existential Dread at 4:37 PM on April 2, 2018 [11 favorites]

It's like watching a movie of my life
>39/F WAS ATTEMPTING TO SIT ON COUCH AND SLIPPED FALLING ONTO FLOOR DX LUMBAR STRAIN COCCYX CONT
posted by Trivia Newton John at 4:44 PM on April 2, 2018 [9 favorites]

21/F HAD PX REACHING FOR CLOTHES ON A RACK AT STORE
DX L SHOULDER STRAIN IMPINGEMENT SYNDROME

23/F ACCIDENTALLY HIT IN THE EYE BY AN UNSHARPENED PENCIL C O EYE PAIN CORNEAL ABRASION

13YM A PENCIL THROWN THE PT ACC GOT HIT WITH IT ON THE EYE CORNEAL LAC

44YM WAS FOLDING LIFTING A PILE OF CLOTHES FELT ELECTRIC SHOCK IN SHOU LDER CERVIAL SPINE RADICULOPATHY

Fav has to be:

21YM THE GYM PULLING ON STRETCHING BAND WRAPPED AROUND GYM EQUIPMENT WHICH FELL HTTING HIS HEAD CHI LAC
posted by Query at 4:45 PM on April 2, 2018

24/M AIRPLANE SPUN BY CAVEMAN LANDED ON PANCREAS OW MY PANCREAS
posted by steef at 4:57 PM on April 2, 2018 [8 favorites]

19/M RUNNING FROM A HOG INJURED SELF ON FENCE C O ABD PAIN DX CONT ABD WALL
posted by holmesian at 5:46 PM on April 2, 2018 [2 favorites]

34/M WAS LYING ON FLOOR AT HOME WIFE ACCIDENTALLY STEPPED ON HIM L OW BACK PAIN
posted by holmesian at 5:47 PM on April 2, 2018 [4 favorites]

22/M DERMATITIS TO PUBIC AREA REPORTS NOT WASHING AREA BEFORE SHAVIN G WEARING A CONDOM DURING SEX 4 DAYS AGO
4 days ago!

26/M REPORTS INJURING LEFT WRIST WHEN HE FELL OFF SKATEBOARD WHILEEAT ING A CHEESE STEAK DX WRIST SPRAIN
Cheese steak!

32/F CONTUSION TO SACRUM S P SLIPPED ON ICE SLID DOWN THE STEPS ON BUTTOCKS WHILE CARRYING KARAOKE MACHINE
Karaoke machine!

33/M C O MASS ON PENIS 1 MONTH REPORTS CUTTING ANTERIOR OF PENIS ON ZIPPER 1 MTH AGO HAD SWELLING STILL PAINFUL DX PENILE MASS
Ouch!
posted by unliteral at 5:54 PM on April 2, 2018 [4 favorites]

34/M WAS LYING ON FLOOR AT HOME WIFE ACCIDENTALLY STEPPED ON HIM L OW BACK PAIN

"Ow back pain", indeed.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 5:56 PM on April 2, 2018 [2 favorites]

I'm waiting for the inevitable "accidental object in rectum" tweet
posted by AFABulous at 5:57 PM on April 2, 2018 [3 favorites]

37YOF PUT A CONTAINER OF HONEY IN MICROWAVE & IT EXPLODED.
posted by Gymnopedist at 5:58 PM on April 2, 2018

wait, is that a thing? assuming it's an all glass jar? I wonder how long you would have to microwave it for.
posted by AFABulous at 6:19 PM on April 2, 2018

I, uh, have microwaved honey, when it's all crystallized..
posted by k5.user at 6:28 PM on April 2, 2018 [1 favorite]

Jesus...that’s a lot of comments and yet no one has made a “foreign object lodged itself in rectum” joke?

Am I on metafilter?
posted by Insert Clever Name Here at 6:29 PM on April 2, 2018 [2 favorites]

If you are, you must be reading some other thread.
posted by Sys Rq at 6:49 PM on April 2, 2018 [3 favorites]

pro tip for crystallized honey - submerge the entire jar in a sink or bowl of hot water
posted by AFABulous at 7:10 PM on April 2, 2018 [4 favorites]

19/M RUNNING FROM A HOG INJURED SELF ON FENCE C O ABD PAIN DX CONT ABD WALL

It was a hog-related injury kept my Grandpa stateside in WWII.


Whenever I'm at the emergency room, it's usually divided evenly between knife-fight victims and maladies of the elderly (heart attack, falls, disorientation, complications of home care treatment), punctuated with the occasional MVA.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:50 PM on April 2, 2018 [1 favorite]

13/M FELL DOWN STAIRS INJURED ARM ON RAILING INJURY HUMERUS

I bet he didn't think the injury was that funny!

I'll get my coat.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:58 PM on April 2, 2018 [6 favorites]

17/M CONCUSSION WHEN PICKED UP AND SLAMMED TO MAT DURING WRESTLING

Yeah no shit
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:02 PM on April 2, 2018

Not to make light of any health issues, but as a recovering Catholic, reading the words “PENILE MASS” made my brain go strange places.
posted by greermahoney at 8:07 PM on April 2, 2018 [13 favorites]

Reading these is mesmerizing. There seem to be common themes:

-doing things in anger: punching walls, leaping from second story window to get away from mom
-exercise of all sorts, but especially wrestling and basketball
-doing the dishes
-getting out of bed
-removing foreign bodies (a roach) from one's orifices with an unsuitable tool (screwdriver)
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 8:17 PM on April 2, 2018

My favorite personal code is maruchan vs chef, my mental note for all instant soup related burns.
posted by AlexiaSky at 8:23 PM on April 2, 2018

12YR M HAD SCARF ON THAT GOT PULLED ON BY A BASEBALL BAT DX NECK STRAIN

What? I can't even picture how this happened.
posted by starlybri at 8:44 PM on April 2, 2018

What? I can't even picture how this happened.

So you tie the ends of the scarf together, and then put the baseball bat inside, and twist like you're winding up a toy. It's in one of my parenting manuals on how to quiet down tweens, I think...
posted by maxwelton at 8:57 PM on April 2, 2018 [1 favorite]

37YOF PUT A CONTAINER OF HONEY IN MICROWAVE & IT EXPLODED.
posted by Gymnopedist at 7:58 PM on April 2 [+] [!]
wait, is that a thing? assuming it's an all glass jar? I wonder how long you would have to microwave it for.
posted by AFABulous at 8:19 PM on April 2 [+] [!]
I, uh, have microwaved honey, when it's all crystallized..
posted by k5.user at 8:28 PM on April 2 [1 favorite +] [!]

The jar probably exploded from thermal shock when it was removed from the microwave and placed on a colder granite counter. Microwaved honey can get really hot and stay hot for a while. I really wouldn't want to experience flying glass and molten honey!

I've had this happen with jars and once with a newer pyrex bowl in a sink. I now put a cutting board on the counter before taking anything non-plastic from the microwave.
posted by srboisvert at 4:44 AM on April 3, 2018 [2 favorites]

12YR M HAD SCARF ON THAT GOT PULLED ON BY A BASEBALL BAT DX NECK STRAIN

honestly, i can picture it precisely, because i injured myself (and others!) multiple times in many ingenious ways while attempting to hit a baseball with a bat. i am extremely bad at baseball. probably the kid had an awkward swing and the end of the bat went through a loop of the scarf and as the kid completed the swing the bat yanked the scarf.

one time in middle school gym class i got the bat caught on my jacket. that wasn't even my worst baseball middle school gym class incident. solidarity, baseball scarf kid.
posted by halation at 5:04 AM on April 3, 2018

My wife works in the ED and her all-time favorite is:

PAIN IN SCREWHOLE

(a construction worker who put a screw into his arm returned to the ED because he was worried the wound was infected)
posted by Drab_Parts at 5:05 AM on April 3, 2018 [7 favorites]

What I am immediately struck by (no pun intended) is the epidemic of women in their thirties falling down stairs... or having blunt objects fall on their face/head... or running into inanimate objects... and so on. Maybe I'm seeing a pattern where there is none, but I'm skeptical.

For Mefites who work in emergency medicine, how do you record incidents of suspected domestic violence when the victim doesn't self report?
posted by turbowombat at 5:44 AM on April 3, 2018 [3 favorites]

I dunno, I've done all three of those at sub-ER visit levels without any other human involved. And had to get x-rays a few weeks ago after a wrist injury. I still haven't told any co-workers or family about the cause of that, because it's just embarrassing. (Just a sprain, thank goodness.)

Some of us in that demographic are just clumsy. I'm glad my doctors always ask about domestic violence, but sometimes I think I could screw up those stats all by myself.
posted by asperity at 6:05 AM on April 3, 2018 [2 favorites]

53/F HAD BACK PX AFTER MOVING FURNITURE DX BACK PX PSYCHOSIS

This patient apparently now has a diagnosis of psychosis (as well as back pain) due to moving furniture.

My takeaway is that it's dangerous for teenagers to play common sports (and horse around). But stairs are the most dangerous thing in the house.
posted by thefool at 6:45 AM on April 3, 2018 [2 favorites]

Yeah, I've had major clumse all my life. When I got a greenstick fracture in my arm at 12 after tripping over my shoelace, the doctor sent my mother out of the room "to get me a drink" so he could ask me if I felt safe at home, because of my list of ridiculous injuries.

It's surprisingly hard to find a place to store a heavy steam iron where it will *never* fall on tender human flesh. Right now I store it in an over-the-door rack; it doesn't fall, but whenever I wrestle it out of the rack, the rack itself tries to come off the door and fall on me.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:48 AM on April 3, 2018 [4 favorites]

Also are the irrelevant specific details (like the cheesesteak) in there on purpose (to try to identify dangerous objects and activities later), or are they entered by the nurse/doctor/hospital staff just for fun?
posted by thefool at 6:49 AM on April 3, 2018 [1 favorite]

My non-medical guess: "Fell off skateboard" would prompt questions like "where they hit by a car? Did they fall from height doing a trick or while on a half pipe?", whereas the detail "while eating a cheese steak" indicates they fell off because they were eating a sandwich and thus is was a low-ish speed fall from standing.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 8:19 AM on April 3, 2018 [3 favorites]

That said if they fell off the skateboard while eating a cheese steak AND doing a sweet trick on a half pipe that's fucking rad
posted by EndsOfInvention at 8:20 AM on April 3, 2018 [7 favorites]

29/M WAS PARTICIPATING IN PARKOUR FOR EXERCISE AND JUMPED OFF OF TREE HITTING SHIN ON METAL RAIL DX ABR R SHIN

PARKOUR!
posted by RhysPenbras at 9:04 AM on April 3, 2018

I originally read that as "parlour exercise."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:26 AM on April 3, 2018

Sometimes I think the details are added in just to make the case memorable and less ambiguous to personnel who are reading it. "20/F FELL DOWN STAIRS" could be one of half a dozen patients in a busy hospital ED during a long shift. "20/F TRIPPED OVER CAT FELL DOWN STAIRS" is probably somewhat less ambiguous. (Depends, I suppose, on how ill-tempered the cats are that day.)

You see the same thing in EMS patient-interaction summaries. On one hand you want to keep them short, on the other hand you want to write enough so you'll recall what the hell happened and keep it straight from all the other calls you've been on. There's a subtle art to writing really pithy ones.
posted by Kadin2048 at 3:11 PM on April 3, 2018 [2 favorites]

Re: Stair falls. Carpet your stairs, people! Thick, cushiony, but not slippery, carpet. Hardwood floors are one thing, but hardwood stairs are another. Especially if you are the sock-footed type.

Just ask my ribs!
posted by Sys Rq at 3:19 PM on April 3, 2018

Oh, I've fallen down carpeted stairs (the carpeting led to some high-speed sliding! It was very exciting, and also painful.)

Better plan: always use the handrail.
posted by asperity at 3:25 PM on April 3, 2018

No. It is the stairs who are wrong.
posted by Sys Rq at 3:35 PM on April 3, 2018 [7 favorites]

I am reading this in horrified fascination. I can't look away.

12/F TOOK 5 6 UNKNOWN PILLS ONE OF MOM S HAD HEADACHE WOKE UP DIZZY HIT HEAD ON BED INGESTION OF UNKNOWN DRUG EYEBROW BRUISE

This is an entire novel.
posted by tallmiddleagedgeek at 10:07 AM on April 4, 2018