Pitting Shaq Against His Mortal Enemy

April 17, 2018 9:10 AM

To kick off a brand new series for sports dorks called, appropriately, Dorktown, SB Nation editor and fan favorite Jon Bois and friends ask a simple question - what would happen if Shaquille O'Neal missed every free throw? (SLYT)

The answer - not much. Shaq was that dominant a player (and that infamous a free thrower), that his free throws weren't critical to the success of his teams, or his own performance.

posted by NoxAeternum (18 comments total)

It's an indictment of that era of pro ball that my enduring memory is a sweat drenched Shaq squinting at the rim from the charity stripe.
posted by selfnoise at 9:13 AM on April 17, 2018

That was actually the strategy Aaron Carter used to beat Shaq.
posted by drezdn at 9:18 AM on April 17, 2018 [5 favorites]

Not that it was Shaq's fault. He's not even the most disheartening free throw shooter to watch... that would be Joakim Noah.
posted by selfnoise at 9:19 AM on April 17, 2018 [1 favorite]

It's an indictment of that era of pro ball that my enduring memory is a sweat drenched Shaq squinting at the rim from the charity stripe.

I'm not sure what "era" you're referring to - there were 5 years between MJ's last three-peat and LeBron's first game, three of those years were peak Kobe/Shaq, and even the first couple of years where LeBron was getting his feet under him we had the seven seconds or less Suns. I'd argue Shaq bridged the most watchable era of basketball of all time.
posted by notorious medium at 9:36 AM on April 17, 2018

I love Jon Bois, but I feel like we're approaching a point where every video he does is billed as a new series that he immediately loses interest in. Yes I am bitter about the fact that he hasn't done a new episode of the show where he opens old trading cards and chews the ancient gum.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 9:45 AM on April 17, 2018 [7 favorites]

So, a LOT of Bois' most enjoyable // celebrated stuff is done with significant animation and production value. I wonder if this is a business-side reaction of "hey, we know you love talking this stuff, but we need you to put something out a LOT more often".
posted by isauteikisa at 10:19 AM on April 17, 2018 [3 favorites]

This feels like a great companion piece to his Chart Party episode about if Barry Bonds had played without a bat.

Also, I had no idea Wilt Chamberlain was even worse at FTs than Shaq was.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:44 AM on April 17, 2018 [3 favorites]

I don't think it's an indictment of the era at all! I think it's a testament to Shaq's deep and fascinating charisma.
posted by potrzebie at 12:19 PM on April 17, 2018 [2 favorites]

As a television watcher, I'm afraid Shaq's deep and fascinating charisma has passed its sell-by date.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 12:29 PM on April 17, 2018 [1 favorite]

@selfnoise: I'll see your Joakim Noah and raise you Chuck Hayes.
posted by HillbillyInBC at 12:45 PM on April 17, 2018 [1 favorite]

Hey now, both of those shots hit the rim.

On a related note, didn't Hal Greer (who died a few days ago) jump when he shot free throws? IIRC it worked ok for him, though.
posted by selfnoise at 12:55 PM on April 17, 2018

Yes I am bitter about the fact that he hasn't done a new episode of the show where he opens old trading cards and chews the ancient gum.

I really like the Deadspin attempt at this sort of thing, Remembering Some Guys, but that's almost entirely because I'm only a little bit younger than David Roth and have a box of 1993 Topps sitting in my mom's house somewhere, so I'm extremely into thinking for 10 secnds about Zane Smith and Marquis Grissom. They've tried some other kinds of things with that show and it doesn't really work because no one particularly wants to watch some 25 year olds gawk at cards for players they've never heard of and don't care about. I know a couple other places have dipped into the Endless Well of Content that opening packs of old trading cards seemingly presents, but I think it's a hard thing to pull off.

Also, SBNation just fired a bunch of its video people and re-organized what's left, so who knows what they're going to be doing going forward. I haven't been thrilled by a lot of their post-layoff video content, but doing kind-of-funny, kind-of-interesting 5-10 minute YouTube videos is an incredibly brutal market to be in from what I can tell.
posted by Copronymus at 2:09 PM on April 17, 2018 [1 favorite]

Hands up if you were hoping this was a crossover event between the Shaq-Fu universe and the Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden/Magical Realms of Tír na nÓg: Escape from Necron 7 – Revenge of Cuchulainn: The Official Game of the Movie – Chapter 2 of the Hoopz Barkley SaGa continuum.

Oh, just me, then?
posted by rodlymight at 2:42 PM on April 17, 2018 [4 favorites]

Is Weird Rules post or pre layoffs, because I like that one.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 4:09 PM on April 17, 2018 [1 favorite]

I really like the Deadspin attempt at this sort of thing, Remembering Some Guys, but that's almost entirely because I'm only a little bit younger than David Roth and have a box of 1993 Topps sitting in my mom's house somewhere, so I'm extremely into thinking for 10 secnds about Zane Smith and Marquis Grissom.

Same here. I'm not sure it really works unless you have some sort of Proustian moment when you hear Tom Prince's name.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:42 PM on April 17, 2018

didn't Hal Greer (who died a few days ago) jump when he shot free throws? IIRC it worked ok for him

Short answer: Yes.

Greer, my favorite player once upon a time, thought that if he jumped when shooting foul shots, he thus was practicing his jump shot, and vice versa. And it did work for him – back then he was voted one of the 50 greatest players in NBA history. I was surprised to read in one obituary that, even though he retired 45 years ago he still holds a number of 76er team records, including most points scored and games played. (No 3-point shot in those days, either, although Greer’s most effective jump shot – as if to prove his theory – came from right around the foul line.)
posted by LeLiLo at 11:48 PM on April 17, 2018 [1 favorite]

Is Weird Rules post or pre layoffs, because I like that one.

I think it actually spans the gap, and I am also glad it's sticking around. It and Beef History are definitely my favorites of the series they have running right now.
posted by Copronymus at 12:24 PM on April 18, 2018

Same here. I'm not sure it really works unless you have some sort of Proustian moment when you hear Tom Prince's name.

God, the time when they got one of Don Slaught and I was already in mid-remembrance reverie and then it turned out the special guest had his number on his phone was almost too much for me. It was like seeing your 3rd grade teacher at the grocery store but also drenched in nostalgia. I think some part of me just kind of assumed that all the backup catchers and utility infielders of my youth just kind of disappeared into a corn field somewhere and aren't just dudes in their 50s who one could theoretically call on the phone.
posted by Copronymus at 3:47 PM on April 19, 2018