Is it a curse? A blessing? I mean. duh. I knew it was a curse
May 1, 2018 9:18 PM Subscribe
anyway, do you guys want to hear a story: "two weeks ago a mysterious cursed root appeared on my front doorstep. it was the length of my forearm and shaped like a fucked up turkey leg. look here it is"
ThreadReader version for the Twitter-averse.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:23 PM on May 1, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:23 PM on May 1, 2018 [10 favorites]
Definitely a curse
posted by samthemander at 9:31 PM on May 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by samthemander at 9:31 PM on May 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
This is viral advertising for Elon Musk's flamethrowers, isn't it?
posted by dazed_one at 9:33 PM on May 1, 2018 [17 favorites]
posted by dazed_one at 9:33 PM on May 1, 2018 [17 favorites]
Big can of NOPE
posted by cyclotronboy at 9:54 PM on May 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by cyclotronboy at 9:54 PM on May 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
Wait wait wait wait wait. But what is that thing, like actually?!?
posted by roast beef on the moon at 10:10 PM on May 1, 2018 [18 favorites]
posted by roast beef on the moon at 10:10 PM on May 1, 2018 [18 favorites]
If this is some kind of viral marketing for a Poltergeist reboot then I am OK. Well, queasy, but still sorta OK.
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 10:23 PM on May 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 10:23 PM on May 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
I think the other reason this tweet storm of horror resonates with me is that I am once again growing vegetables in my gardens instead of just a few herbs, and I have not so fond memories of what happened last time I grew vegetables. It involved cabbage moths and turnips. Or rather- cabbage moth larvae *IN* turnips. I'm using sluggo and mineral oil spray and insecticidal soap (its organic!) like clockwork this time (and I'm not planting turnips)(Hisss never again) But the other day I picked the last of the bok choy in the back and brought it into the kitchen to wash and more than a few earwigs crawled out and *hoo boy* Could have been a lot worse- earwigs are icky but harmless. But man did I shout the house down for a couple of earwigs on the kitchen floor- worms? thousands of them? IN AN ENCLOSED SPACE LIKE A CAR WITH ME IN IT? *screams forever*
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 10:54 PM on May 1, 2018 [13 favorites]
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 10:54 PM on May 1, 2018 [13 favorites]
Wait wait wait wait wait. But what is that thing, like actually?!?
It looks like people are saying the root is actually a semi-rotten chunk of ponytail palm, and the worms are most likely carpet beetle larvae. I guess carpet beetles lay eggs in old trees and the larvae will eat wood and fibers, so I'm guessing they were loving the inside of the car. I defer to anyone with actual expertise in entomology or botany, though.
posted by Copronymus at 10:57 PM on May 1, 2018 [13 favorites]
It looks like people are saying the root is actually a semi-rotten chunk of ponytail palm, and the worms are most likely carpet beetle larvae. I guess carpet beetles lay eggs in old trees and the larvae will eat wood and fibers, so I'm guessing they were loving the inside of the car. I defer to anyone with actual expertise in entomology or botany, though.
posted by Copronymus at 10:57 PM on May 1, 2018 [13 favorites]
Great first post, JamesBay!
I am usually not icked out by this kind of stuff, but that thing looks ominous. The picture of the "worm" later though isn't a big deal.
Did I ever tell you guys the time I accidentally ate a maggot infested egg? It goes something like this...I was living in this tiny place called Kampung Sungai Petai, about an hour outside of Kota Bahru in northeastern Malaysia.
Every week the nearby town of Pasir Puteh had a night market that I would go to to try and alleviate the intense boredom of living in the middle of the jungle. Well, one time I got some nasi kerabu, which comes with half a salted egg. I took it home to eat it and decide to eat the egg first. So I peel off the half shell and stuff it into my mouth. Something seems... off, but I'm not sure what. I look down at the egg shell and see thousands of squiggling maggots inside. Suddenly I can feel a mouthful of maggots wriggling against my gums and on my tongue. Phew boy. I never brushed my teeth so well in my life as I did that day.
posted by Literaryhero at 2:32 AM on May 2, 2018 [17 favorites]
I am usually not icked out by this kind of stuff, but that thing looks ominous. The picture of the "worm" later though isn't a big deal.
Did I ever tell you guys the time I accidentally ate a maggot infested egg? It goes something like this...I was living in this tiny place called Kampung Sungai Petai, about an hour outside of Kota Bahru in northeastern Malaysia.
Every week the nearby town of Pasir Puteh had a night market that I would go to to try and alleviate the intense boredom of living in the middle of the jungle. Well, one time I got some nasi kerabu, which comes with half a salted egg. I took it home to eat it and decide to eat the egg first. So I peel off the half shell and stuff it into my mouth. Something seems... off, but I'm not sure what. I look down at the egg shell and see thousands of squiggling maggots inside. Suddenly I can feel a mouthful of maggots wriggling against my gums and on my tongue. Phew boy. I never brushed my teeth so well in my life as I did that day.
posted by Literaryhero at 2:32 AM on May 2, 2018 [17 favorites]
Suddenly I can feel a mouthful of maggots wriggling against my gums and on my tongue. Phew boy.
Obligatory casu marzu link
posted by flabdablet at 2:35 AM on May 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
Obligatory casu marzu link
posted by flabdablet at 2:35 AM on May 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
Do ponytail palms grow in Indiana, though? To me, that first thing looks like some kind of Lovecraftian nightmare fungus. Cursed for sure.
posted by 41swans at 4:19 AM on May 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by 41swans at 4:19 AM on May 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
That woman's husband must love the hell out of her to deal with this, because if there's one thing I know about human nature, it's that a person who will toss a cursed turkey leg into the back of their car and just forget about it is a person who does stuff like that ALL THE TIME.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 4:28 AM on May 2, 2018 [72 favorites]
posted by kittens for breakfast at 4:28 AM on May 2, 2018 [72 favorites]
The moral of this horror story: life will find a way.
posted by acb at 4:50 AM on May 2, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by acb at 4:50 AM on May 2, 2018 [6 favorites]
"Google says it's a sea lion. Dope!" is my favourite part.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:06 AM on May 2, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 5:06 AM on May 2, 2018 [8 favorites]
Pardon me, I couldn't help but overhear…
posted by Joe in Australia at 5:14 AM on May 2, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by Joe in Australia at 5:14 AM on May 2, 2018 [5 favorites]
Now appearing on Reddit's "What is this thing?"
posted by achrise at 5:16 AM on May 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by achrise at 5:16 AM on May 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
It’s a parable. The turkey leg is Twitter (“It took me about 8 seconds to become completely obsessed with it”). The worms are Nazis. “The worm squishing rock I now keep in my car for this purpose” is switching your Twitter profile's country setting to Germany
posted by oulipian at 5:21 AM on May 2, 2018 [12 favorites]
posted by oulipian at 5:21 AM on May 2, 2018 [12 favorites]
>I put it in a gallon freezer bag and took it to work.
The way we learn to make better personal choices is by identifying the junctures at which things begin to go wrong.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 5:24 AM on May 2, 2018 [41 favorites]
The way we learn to make better personal choices is by identifying the junctures at which things begin to go wrong.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 5:24 AM on May 2, 2018 [41 favorites]
From the twitter thread:
The Doctor @Drstevenhobbs
Replying to @keplyq
That appears to be a birch polypore that has extended hyphae(roots). It could have been knocked off of fire wood or dragged up by and animal. It "sweat" because it respires like all other living organisms.
The Doctor @Drstevenhobbs
I have to correct myself. Upon further inspection, the arthropod that hatched is a carpet beetle larvae.
posted by ancillary at 5:37 AM on May 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
The Doctor @Drstevenhobbs
Replying to @keplyq
That appears to be a birch polypore that has extended hyphae(roots). It could have been knocked off of fire wood or dragged up by and animal. It "sweat" because it respires like all other living organisms.
The Doctor @Drstevenhobbs
I have to correct myself. Upon further inspection, the arthropod that hatched is a carpet beetle larvae.
posted by ancillary at 5:37 AM on May 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
rookie mistake, yellow-and-blue-make-green seals are as nothing in the face of an obviously cursed host object, come on, you obviously need to bind that shit with a Circle of Solomon
or at the very least some good sturdy Tupperware
posted by halation at 5:39 AM on May 2, 2018 [8 favorites]
or at the very least some good sturdy Tupperware
posted by halation at 5:39 AM on May 2, 2018 [8 favorites]
I think the real question she should be asking herself is what wizard, or gnome, or subject of the Fae realms has she offended so much that it would leave a cursed root by her doorstep.
My advice would be to offer the root some tobacco, or a cup of ewe's milk, and see if it will tell her whose wrath she has brought upon herself.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:53 AM on May 2, 2018 [20 favorites]
My advice would be to offer the root some tobacco, or a cup of ewe's milk, and see if it will tell her whose wrath she has brought upon herself.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:53 AM on May 2, 2018 [20 favorites]
Great first post, JamesBay!
no no no, evil nightmare inducing what the hell omg nooooo post
(oh mother nature, now I really want to live in a hermetically sealed pristine all white and stainless 37th floor apartment)
posted by sammyo at 6:07 AM on May 2, 2018 [7 favorites]
no no no, evil nightmare inducing what the hell omg nooooo post
(oh mother nature, now I really want to live in a hermetically sealed pristine all white and stainless 37th floor apartment)
posted by sammyo at 6:07 AM on May 2, 2018 [7 favorites]
well good morning to you too, MeFi. I'm certainly awake now.
posted by BungaDunga at 6:30 AM on May 2, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by BungaDunga at 6:30 AM on May 2, 2018 [9 favorites]
It's almost certainly a part of a dead tropical plant. Someone had a dead/dying houseplant, maybe a ponytail palm, maybe some other, and put it in the trash or left it in an alley. Some kids were messing around with it or threw it, because it's weird to see a plant/dead plant that looks like that in Indiana. At some point as it was decaying an insect laid eggs inside, which hatched.
Used to live in Miami, and while I don't have a horror story about it, you'd see dead, dropped, decaying, etc., pieces of palms and plants all over the place. Some that looked just like that. Many palms have that fibrous material near their base.
I'm more puzzled about the "bringing it to work" part.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 6:40 AM on May 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
Used to live in Miami, and while I don't have a horror story about it, you'd see dead, dropped, decaying, etc., pieces of palms and plants all over the place. Some that looked just like that. Many palms have that fibrous material near their base.
I'm more puzzled about the "bringing it to work" part.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 6:40 AM on May 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
Did I ever tell you guys the time I accidentally ate a maggot infested egg?
fast scrolling intensifies
posted by Annika Cicada at 6:41 AM on May 2, 2018 [43 favorites]
fast scrolling intensifies
posted by Annika Cicada at 6:41 AM on May 2, 2018 [43 favorites]
I'm more puzzled about the "bringing it to work" part.
If you can't think of one coworker whose life would be improved by finding a dead, decaying hunk of plantflesh that is probably bearing an ancient curse and/or thousands of worms on their desk, consider changing employment.
posted by delfin at 6:51 AM on May 2, 2018 [9 favorites]
If you can't think of one coworker whose life would be improved by finding a dead, decaying hunk of plantflesh that is probably bearing an ancient curse and/or thousands of worms on their desk, consider changing employment.
posted by delfin at 6:51 AM on May 2, 2018 [9 favorites]
OK, I do sort of have a tropical plant Miami horror story. This was mid-90s so things may have changed...
Go to South Beach on a summer night. Stifling, choking heat. Go to Meridian Ave between Lincoln Road and 10th ST. Beautiful old homes, probably worth many millions of dollars now, sort of dilapidated back then. First thing you'll notice is the smell. Not unpleasant, but odd. Like molasses, almost maple syrup. You walk along... it's dark, residential, and lined with huge, old palm trees. The sidewalk is sticky, like the rows of a movie theater in the 1970s. Then you notice things moving. Palmetto bugs. 2-3" long cockroaches. All over the place. Those trees I mentioned? Date palms. It's a sugary sticky mess of leaves, squished dates and huge feasting insects.
Funny how us North Americans romanticize the tropics.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 7:04 AM on May 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
Go to South Beach on a summer night. Stifling, choking heat. Go to Meridian Ave between Lincoln Road and 10th ST. Beautiful old homes, probably worth many millions of dollars now, sort of dilapidated back then. First thing you'll notice is the smell. Not unpleasant, but odd. Like molasses, almost maple syrup. You walk along... it's dark, residential, and lined with huge, old palm trees. The sidewalk is sticky, like the rows of a movie theater in the 1970s. Then you notice things moving. Palmetto bugs. 2-3" long cockroaches. All over the place. Those trees I mentioned? Date palms. It's a sugary sticky mess of leaves, squished dates and huge feasting insects.
Funny how us North Americans romanticize the tropics.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 7:04 AM on May 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
So all of you wondering about "what is that thing" are overlooking my own question - namely, "whatever it is that thing is, how the hell did it end up on her doorstep????"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:55 AM on May 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:55 AM on May 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
So long MeFi. You know what they say, live fast, die young, and leave behind a beautiful corpse... too bad mine will be RIDDLED WITH HOLES EATEN THROUGH BY WORMS OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
posted by MiraK at 8:04 AM on May 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by MiraK at 8:04 AM on May 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
I was having a good day.
We were all having a good day.
posted by RhysPenbras at 8:42 AM on May 2, 2018 [14 favorites]
We were all having a good day.
posted by RhysPenbras at 8:42 AM on May 2, 2018 [14 favorites]
Me reading initial thread: ha ha ha, how funny, lol
Me reading followup comments: WTF SHE'S IN INDIANA? I THOUGHT THIS KIND OF THING ONLY HAPPENED IN FLORIDA, MUST GET OUT OF STATE NOW!!!
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:01 AM on May 2, 2018 [7 favorites]
Me reading followup comments: WTF SHE'S IN INDIANA? I THOUGHT THIS KIND OF THING ONLY HAPPENED IN FLORIDA, MUST GET OUT OF STATE NOW!!!
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:01 AM on May 2, 2018 [7 favorites]
Bug stories at lunchtime. Metafilter, I am disappoint.
posted by Splunge at 9:13 AM on May 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Splunge at 9:13 AM on May 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
MUST GET OUT OF STATE NOW!!!
Indiana has worse horrors; she could have opened the door to find Mike Pence.
posted by maxwelton at 10:04 AM on May 2, 2018 [25 favorites]
Indiana has worse horrors; she could have opened the door to find Mike Pence.
posted by maxwelton at 10:04 AM on May 2, 2018 [25 favorites]
Very timely. Last week I nuked a baking potato in the microwave, opened it up and in the middle was ... I still don't know. Might've been another plant, might've been an insect, might've been ... a larval facesucker!! It was hard, 2-3 inches long, definitely organic, hard little platelets on the surface.
posted by Chitownfats at 11:02 AM on May 2, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by Chitownfats at 11:02 AM on May 2, 2018 [5 favorites]
Did I ever tell you guys the time I accidentally ate a maggot infested egg?
Did I ever tell you guys about the time somebody brought Asian pears to work, and I ate one, and I ended up biting into the core and getting a whole live centipede in my mouth
Then two years later Asian pears showed up in the break room again and I was like "well I'm going to eat VERY CAREFULLY this time" and anyway long story short this time I only ended up with half a worm in my mouth
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:12 AM on May 2, 2018 [16 favorites]
Did I ever tell you guys about the time somebody brought Asian pears to work, and I ate one, and I ended up biting into the core and getting a whole live centipede in my mouth
Then two years later Asian pears showed up in the break room again and I was like "well I'm going to eat VERY CAREFULLY this time" and anyway long story short this time I only ended up with half a worm in my mouth
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:12 AM on May 2, 2018 [16 favorites]
I have an older vehicle, so if I have to burn it with fire, it's not that hard to replace. Car Talk had somebody on who found a black widow spider in their car, and it had laid eggs. Apparently this has happened more than once. Elon Musk may be on to something.
posted by theora55 at 11:27 AM on May 2, 2018
posted by theora55 at 11:27 AM on May 2, 2018
[noNoNOnopeNOPENUH-UHNONONO.gif]
posted by rabbitrabbit at 11:27 AM on May 2, 2018
posted by rabbitrabbit at 11:27 AM on May 2, 2018
Indiana has worse horrors; she could have opened the door to find Mike Pence.
dear twitter, one year ago a cursed turkey leg became our president...
posted by Emily's Fist at 2:09 PM on May 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
dear twitter, one year ago a cursed turkey leg became our president...
posted by Emily's Fist at 2:09 PM on May 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
Okay thanks. I'm going to go take a shower now.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 2:18 PM on May 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 2:18 PM on May 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
That is so clearly not a worm, what is up with science education these days?
Also, you know, the back seat of your car is a funny place to start a compost heap.
I used to find small knotted pieces of rope or string in the stairwell of my apartment building, which I suspected may have been some sort of ritual practice. Either that or my neighbours are just a bunch of littering slobs.
posted by Coaticass at 3:21 PM on May 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
Also, you know, the back seat of your car is a funny place to start a compost heap.
I used to find small knotted pieces of rope or string in the stairwell of my apartment building, which I suspected may have been some sort of ritual practice. Either that or my neighbours are just a bunch of littering slobs.
posted by Coaticass at 3:21 PM on May 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
This story reminds me of the time when I was about 8 years old and I went... I don't remember, to a park or something? There were lots of oak trees, and thus lots of acorns on the ground! So I gathered as many of the prettiest, shiniest acorns I could stuff into my pockets, and I took them home, and I put them all into a little red suitcase I had, and put the suitcase in my closet, and promptly forgot all about it.
Then, a few weeks later, my mom went into my room, and thought "Huh. Why are there grains of rice all over the carpet? Why... why are the rice grains moving?" Worms. Little white worms. All coming from the closet, where they had chewed through the suitcase after hatching out of the acorns.
posted by sarcasticah at 3:53 PM on May 2, 2018 [7 favorites]
Then, a few weeks later, my mom went into my room, and thought "Huh. Why are there grains of rice all over the carpet? Why... why are the rice grains moving?" Worms. Little white worms. All coming from the closet, where they had chewed through the suitcase after hatching out of the acorns.
posted by sarcasticah at 3:53 PM on May 2, 2018 [7 favorites]
Indiana has worse horrors; she could have opened the door to find Mike Pence.
To be fair, she'd have been less likely to wrap Mike Pence in plastic and toss him in the back of the car and forget about him.
posted by flabdablet at 10:26 PM on May 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
To be fair, she'd have been less likely to wrap Mike Pence in plastic and toss him in the back of the car and forget about him.
posted by flabdablet at 10:26 PM on May 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
Oh man, I can empathize with this so much. A while ago, let's call it around 2003, I drove from my home in Chicago to my mom's home in rural east Texas in my very much beloved, still pretty new 2001 Volkswagen which I loved, loved, loved. I don't remember exactly what time of year it was, but I want to say early spring -- definitely before it got miserably hot. So I drove down there, and it's a long drive, I split it over 2 days, but in the car I had snackies because long time in car. Some of the snackies were whole apples. When I ate a snacky apple I tossed the core into the passenger side footwell, and later bundled the trash bag into the trunk when I unpacked my bags and just forgot to actually pitch it out. I arrived late in the day, and spent a few days visiting, whereupon my mom drove everywhere so I didn't use my car and forgot about the apple cores. Until the morning I was going to pack the car up to leave, and I popped the trunk and saw FIRE ANTS EVERYWHERE. I literally ran screaming back to the house, only mom had gone out to run some errands, and I needed to scream to someone, so I (nerd) used her dialup account to go online and ssh to my host and pop on irc to type-scream "THERE ARE FIRE ANTS IN MY CAR" "FIRE ANTS IN MY CAR" "FIRE AAAANNNNTSSSSS!!!!" at some coworkers. Y'all, I am from Illinois. Fire ants are not a situation I am prepared to deal with. They do not occur in MY version of nature.
Anyways, I spent about 45 minutes having a sustained FIRE ANTS!!!! IN MY CAR!!!! attack, which my coworkers bravely tolerated, until when my mom returned, I screamed and pointed at the car (with a still-open trunk), and she very calmly got the fire ant spray and took care of what needed doing. After an hour or two of careful calming down and tentatively approaching the Beloved Car, now Horror Car, I admitted the little bastards seemed to have gone, packed the car and with great terror in my heart, drove out of town via the closest hardware store where I bought the biggest can of fire ant death I could. They were indeed killed, or if any were left living they must have been swept off the car as I drove back to the Land Where Winter Kills Horrible Insects As God Intended as fast as possible, as I never had a single sighting of them again.
Friends, that can of fire ant death was still in the trunk in 2014 when I moved abroad and gave my beloved car to a friend. Some chances I am unwilling to take.
posted by sldownard at 3:00 AM on May 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
Anyways, I spent about 45 minutes having a sustained FIRE ANTS!!!! IN MY CAR!!!! attack, which my coworkers bravely tolerated, until when my mom returned, I screamed and pointed at the car (with a still-open trunk), and she very calmly got the fire ant spray and took care of what needed doing. After an hour or two of careful calming down and tentatively approaching the Beloved Car, now Horror Car, I admitted the little bastards seemed to have gone, packed the car and with great terror in my heart, drove out of town via the closest hardware store where I bought the biggest can of fire ant death I could. They were indeed killed, or if any were left living they must have been swept off the car as I drove back to the Land Where Winter Kills Horrible Insects As God Intended as fast as possible, as I never had a single sighting of them again.
Friends, that can of fire ant death was still in the trunk in 2014 when I moved abroad and gave my beloved car to a friend. Some chances I am unwilling to take.
posted by sldownard at 3:00 AM on May 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
To be fair, she'd have been less likely to wrap Mike Pence in plastic and toss him in the back of the car and forget about him.
Unfortunately.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 7:04 AM on May 3, 2018 [4 favorites]
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posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 9:23 PM on May 1, 2018 [5 favorites]