"My apartment looks like the bad guy’s apartment in Se7en"
May 8, 2018 12:04 PM   Subscribe

THINGS TO SAY WHEN SOMEONE FARTS:
  • EXCUSE YOU
  • SHUT YOUR BUTT
  • SOMEONE RANG THE TACO BELL
  • GOD BLESS YOU
  • EVEN THAT SMELLED LIKE ASPARAGUS
This Guy’s Been Doing The Same Writing Warmup For 3 Years, And Some Of Them Are Gems
posted by Johnny Wallflower (74 comments total) 54 users marked this as a favorite
 
He's wrong about birds. Except for geese. Fuck geese.
posted by brundlefly at 12:17 PM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]


Except for geese. Fuck *CANADIAN* geese.

Fixed.
posted by Fizz at 12:21 PM on May 8, 2018 [2 favorites]


Geese Twitter has been talking about both of you. You know why.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 12:25 PM on May 8, 2018 [10 favorites]


I agree he was a little tough on birds. But I really want “I’m with stupid ⬆️“ on my headstone. One more reason to make a will.
posted by TedW at 12:26 PM on May 8, 2018 [4 favorites]


And Some Of Them Are Gems

If he does say so himself...
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:29 PM on May 8, 2018 [5 favorites]


Fizz: "Except for geese. Fuck *CANADIAN* geese."

As my wife is fond of pointing out: "Canada geese. They don't have passports."
posted by namewithoutwords at 12:38 PM on May 8, 2018 [62 favorites]


I write a lunchbox note/cartoon for my kid every day. I mostly try to amuse myself without scarring her. My gem-to-trash ratio is in the same general vicinity as this guy's, I think -- a couple times a year, I wade back through all the notes, throw away most of them, and keep the keepers.

I'm always looking for inspiration. Maybe I'll try this list thing for a while.
posted by gurple at 12:51 PM on May 8, 2018 [5 favorites]


Speaking of Canada, I loved his comment that Captain America is too nice. "He should be called Captain Canada."
posted by Peach at 1:00 PM on May 8, 2018 [4 favorites]


Can someone explain using "teen wolf" as a verb?
posted by sacrifix at 1:03 PM on May 8, 2018


Can someone explain using "teen wolf" as a verb?

This, I think.
posted by gurple at 1:06 PM on May 8, 2018 [9 favorites]


Well hot damn, that's a life goal I didn't know I had
posted by sacrifix at 1:07 PM on May 8, 2018 [7 favorites]


The handwriting makes me profoundly suspicious. Everything feels like a lie because of the improbable handwriting.
posted by clockzero at 1:13 PM on May 8, 2018 [15 favorites]


We need a graphologist to explain those "Y"s. I mean, it's a U on a stick, and it really shouldn't be.
posted by chavenet at 1:17 PM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]


I know *I* certainly wouldn't want to see U on a stick.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:26 PM on May 8, 2018 [4 favorites]


"SOMEONE RANG THE TACO BELL" <- this completes my life in so many ways I did not know was lacking until I read this sentence.
posted by Annika Cicada at 1:27 PM on May 8, 2018 [15 favorites]


I know *I* certainly wouldn't want to see U on a stick.

Unless U're a vampire, of course.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:29 PM on May 8, 2018 [2 favorites]


Oh my freaking god these are the funniest things ever.
posted by Annika Cicada at 1:33 PM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]


Why didn't he post any of the gems?
posted by kenko at 1:45 PM on May 8, 2018 [12 favorites]


"Arugula is great. It's good for you, delicious, and sounds like an old-fashioned car horn. Go ahead, say it."

Hooboy, I am Drax-laughing at some of these what is wrong with me I think it's all the stress
posted by missmobtown at 1:52 PM on May 8, 2018 [17 favorites]


Yeah, the headliners in this FPP are hilarious, but a lot of these jokes are not his. Which is fine for warmup purposes! I jot down song lyrics or quotes to capture what I'm thinking, but I don't put it on the internet with my own jokes mixed in like the M&Ms in trail mix.

Kinda had to bail with the "vaginatarian" joke. I always see that on hats or stickers in a store that has myriad other reasons to make me deeply uncomfortable.
posted by Countess Elena at 2:11 PM on May 8, 2018 [4 favorites]


This is awesome but ... isn't this a different writing exercise every day??? For some reason this is really bugging me.
posted by lunasol at 2:16 PM on May 8, 2018 [15 favorites]


"Anxiety means you're either exactly on time or you're not coming."

LET ME SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
posted by Quindar Beep at 2:27 PM on May 8, 2018 [28 favorites]


Without underwear your junk feels like a dog trying to stand up in the back of a van.
posted by erebora at 2:28 PM on May 8, 2018 [5 favorites]


This is awesome but ... isn't this a different writing exercise every day??? For some reason this is really bugging me.

I think the exercise is "what joke would get cut during a Big Bang Theory table read TODAY?"
posted by clockzero at 2:37 PM on May 8, 2018 [12 favorites]


Teenwolfing is a goal that I once had that I'd forgotten about. I should work out how to fulfil that urge.
posted by ambrosen at 2:38 PM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]


I know several seemingly-normal people who share this man's bird-hate. What on Earth do people have against birds? They look pretty, they sound pretty, they eat bugs and spread seeds around. Birds are great! I don't get it.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 2:39 PM on May 8, 2018 [8 favorites]


Reminder to self: on paper, I'm an adult.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:44 PM on May 8, 2018 [2 favorites]


What on Earth do people have against birds?

I’m not a fan of things that poop indiscriminately, and overhead is extra yuk.

Birds that mimic human speech are terrifying. I’m convinced they’re biding their time and will kill us all.

Pictures of birds are nice. As long as I don’t think too hard about the fact that they actually exist. It’s the same way I feel about snow.
posted by greermahoney at 2:53 PM on May 8, 2018 [8 favorites]


many of these aren't funny to me but they make me think about things, which is more meaningful in some ways.

I'm a hahaha person living in a lol world.

Amen, brother. Amen.

The entire list at #2, "When I'm at my most desperate" is way too relatable.

I might actually start doing this too, even though I'm not very funny, but writing out thoughts like this might actually help with my depression and lack of motivation.
posted by numaner at 2:54 PM on May 8, 2018 [2 favorites]


ambrosen: "Teenwolfing is a goal that I once had that I'd forgotten about. I should work out how to fulfil that urge."

Michael J. Fox also did the cool thing where you ride a skateboard behind a truck.
posted by Chrysostom at 3:00 PM on May 8, 2018


this guy's funny, and kinda giving away some pretty choice material if he's not on the stand-up circuit already
posted by OHenryPacey at 3:10 PM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]


Right out of the gate: "ENEMIES LIST: Goatee Guy. Goatees are circles to show you where the lies come from."

RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE
posted by edheil at 3:45 PM on May 8, 2018 [14 favorites]


I thought this was going to be 3 years of fart commentary. Misleading headline, these are not the same warmup at all!
Pretty good though.
posted by rodlymight at 3:57 PM on May 8, 2018 [3 favorites]


This is awesome but ... isn't this a different writing exercise every day??? For some reason this is really bugging me.

Me too. Where is he getting the writing prompts from? That seems like the hard bit. Did he write a list of "FUTURE WRITING PROMPTS" on the first day?
posted by Jon Mitchell at 5:18 PM on May 8, 2018 [4 favorites]


Fab. I love them.
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:21 PM on May 8, 2018


Okay but what is the writing exercise, it's stressing me out that I don't see the throughline except for the list form.
posted by Sokka shot first at 5:25 PM on May 8, 2018 [6 favorites]


My guess would be: identifying a potentially fruitful topic, then coming up with as many funny (or "funny", YMMV) answers to it as possible. Regardless of how I or anyone else feels about the results, that's a legitimate Develop One's Comedy technique.

Results not guaranteed, naturally; but better some gems than none at all. And as has been demonstrated in this thread, each person's perception of what constitutes a "gem" is their own.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:58 PM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]


Read to the bottom:
I’ve found this writing warmup to not only be effective, but incredibly cathartic. I suggest you try it. Just start writing about whatever topic pops into your head. Eventually you’ll start pulling stuff out you’d forgotten all about. Or even just thoughts you’ve had bouncing around in your head, but never really analyzed them too much until you got them down on paper.
Make up a topic, start doing a list on that topic.
posted by middleclasstool at 6:18 PM on May 8, 2018 [2 favorites]


Also it just seems like a really low pressure way to ease into writing for the day, which is super helpful.
posted by jason_steakums at 6:22 PM on May 8, 2018 [2 favorites]


As my wife is fond of pointing out: "Canada geese. They don't have passports."

That explains why all those German Shepards are stuck in the airports.
posted by TedW at 7:00 PM on May 8, 2018 [22 favorites]


Make up a topic, start doing a list on that topic.


Sounds like an interesting idea. Hmm...


“Movies I’m Glad They Never Made”

1. The Outhouses of Madison County
2. Bridget Jones’s Diarrhea
3. The Bourne Circumcision
4. The League of Incontinent Gentlemen
5. Bedknobs and Broomsticks and Lubricant
6. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
7. X-Menses : Apocalypse
8. Monster Balls
posted by darkstar at 7:38 PM on May 8, 2018 [11 favorites]


When a guy says he’s going to kick your ass, what he really wants is a hug when he was a kid

FUCKING AMAZING
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:03 PM on May 8, 2018 [10 favorites]


When asked, what are you laughing about, I tried to read Dr. Advicepig the high pitched fart one and could not actually say words.
posted by advicepig at 8:04 PM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]


When a guy says he’s going to kick your ass, what he really wants is a hug when he was a kid

I MEAN ITS LIKE THE MODERN VERSION OF TURN THE OTHER CHEEK OH MYGOD THIS PERSON IS JESUS
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:08 PM on May 8, 2018 [7 favorites]


"Terrible Improv Group Names"

1. Inner Cheese
2. Baloney Meisters
3. Rusted Edge
4. Blatherites
5. Comedy Collapse Disorder
6. Foons of Buff
7. Ignoblesse Oblige
8. Grievous Charm
9. Bunny Phone
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:16 PM on May 8, 2018 [6 favorites]


"Jobs I Would Not Want"

1. Being a guest on an Iron Chef episode where the secret ingredient is bees.
2. Doing a DJ gig with only TED Talks recordings.
3. Vacuuming Wal-Mart parking lots.
4. Building a house out of Silly Putty and used guitar strings.
5. Manager of a car wash that has replaced soap with Epsom Salts and wax with varnish.
6. Teaching children to tell time...using a compass.
7. Working in a strip club as the carpet cleaner for the "VIP" room.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:27 PM on May 8, 2018 [7 favorites]


That explains why all those German Shepards are stuck in the airports.

I think you mean Germany Shepards
posted by jason_steakums at 8:28 PM on May 8, 2018 [5 favorites]


“Ways to Misintroduce Bruce Springsteen”

Spruce Bringsteen
Boobs Sweatstain
Brews Tinglespleen
Brass Onionring
Brumpelstiltskeen
Boris Yeltsin
posted by oulipian at 8:50 PM on May 8, 2018 [16 favorites]


Big McLargehuge
posted by darkstar at 9:21 PM on May 8, 2018 [3 favorites]


"English Place Names" is a good one. They are so ludicrous yet specific you can barely parody them.

Plantsfordes Hang
Ufflington Hammockbury
Fleng
Stayles on Wrench
Crabgand Corner
Lower Spangsmarsh
Bighand
Stammock
Farylebrook Staunch
St. Cannery's Hanker
posted by Jon Mitchell at 9:36 PM on May 8, 2018 [17 favorites]


You had me at "Fleng".
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:37 PM on May 8, 2018 [3 favorites]


"Rejected Paul Simon Song Titles"

50 Ways to Lathe Your Lever
Me and Julio Down by the Boxcars
Are You Going to Hackensack Fair
Skip Scamp'rin' Away
Dachshunds on the Soles of Her Shoes
Still Lazy After All These Beers
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:40 PM on May 8, 2018 [6 favorites]


Rejected projects I pitched to Tony Hawk:
  • Hawkwatch (ornithology newsletter)
  • Hawk with the Wind (Civil War alternate history where Tony Hawk travels back in time to help Abraham Lincoln)
  • The Hawk Also Rises (same as above except he teaches skateboard tricks to Ernest Hemingway)
  • Hawk Full of Nuts (coffee brand or novelty bird-shaped nut dispenser for the holidays)
  • General Hawkspital (TV series or real hospital)
  • Ollie Ollie Hawksenfree (Shawshank Redemption remake where he ollies out a half-pipe to freedom)
  • Mate for Life / Skate for Life (two-volume set on skateboarding and relationship tricks)
  • Hawks and Bonds (stock market tips)
  • Hawk O'Clock (replaces Big Ben)
posted by compartment at 9:40 PM on May 8, 2018 [8 favorites]


Hawk O'Clock

We also would have accepted "Hawk Around the Clock"
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:42 PM on May 8, 2018 [3 favorites]


Which leads me to another Paul Simon song, "Hawks and Bones".
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:43 PM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]


We also would have accepted "Hawk Around the Clock"

Let me call Tony and see if he'll accept it
posted by compartment at 9:46 PM on May 8, 2018


He didn't and he told me not to call back
posted by compartment at 9:47 PM on May 8, 2018 [13 favorites]


You mean he didn't go for it hawk, line, and sinker? Huh.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:51 PM on May 8, 2018 [5 favorites]


No, he told me to stop hawking so many projects; he has a family and loves them and is busy.
posted by compartment at 9:54 PM on May 8, 2018 [7 favorites]


Oh my god I just realized he said "hawking" I wonder if that was intentional
posted by compartment at 9:56 PM on May 8, 2018 [7 favorites]


Some of these are very poignant:

MILESTONES:

Age 18: You can vote
Age 21: You can drink
Age 25: You can hire a car
Age 35: You can settle for someone you don't love.

posted by acb at 3:33 AM on May 9, 2018 [6 favorites]


He has such nice handwriting! But he sure presses down hard on the paper.

I used to do this as a kid, sort of, except I only had one topic. I don't know if you guys remember Lois Lowry's Anastasia books but Anastasia used to keep these runnings lists of 'things I love!' and 'things I hate!' and the idea was over the course of the book she would end up crossing out more and more things from the 'things I hate!' column leading to a heartwarming conclusion. It was quite satisfying to do the same thing as a kid, I wish I had those old lists. I'm fairly sure my 'things I hate' list was muuuch longer than the 'things I love' one.

I hate pigeons, so I get the bird-hate. I'm sure they were on my 'things I hate!' list as a kid. Ugh they are so awful. I hate how low they swoop, and the sound of their wings flapping.
posted by Ziggy500 at 5:19 AM on May 9, 2018 [4 favorites]


As my Grandad used to say after dropping a particularly vile one:

"Better an empty house than an angry tenant"

Somehow, Mrs. MacWilliams doesn't appreciate his wisdom. My Grandmother didn't either.
posted by Pablo MacWilliams at 8:49 AM on May 9, 2018 [7 favorites]


Okay but what is the writing exercise, it's stressing me out that I don't see the throughline except for the list form.

I'm glad I wasn't the only one wondering.

Read to the bottom:

Why not put the prompt at the beginning?!

Anyways, some good stuff in here, even if he's just listifying freewriting/first thoughts/Morning Pages.
posted by xenization at 11:36 AM on May 9, 2018


THINGS THAT BIRDS CAN DO THAT PEOPLE ARE JEALOUS OF
- Fly anywhere without being forced to stand in a line, their bodies and possessions searched and judged (except for penguins, only assholes judge penguins)
- Wake up singing
- Disturb other animals by chirping at them loudly from a hidden location
- Elaborate dance routines for whatever reason, with no choreographic input
- Refuse to pay taxes
- Shit on the vehicles of your enemies with no comeuppance
- Make beautiful music with no prior training
- Eat other birds with no judgment or guilt
- Annoy people from a distance simply by singing
- Build homes in trees without having to get permission first
- Shit on your landlord's car without fear of reprisal
- Say "Yeah, I'm part dinosaur on my mother's side"
- Break eggs from INSIDE THE EGG
- Be birds
- Kill spiders, and then eat them
posted by Minus215Cee at 12:30 PM on May 9, 2018 [7 favorites]


5. Comedy Collapse Disorder

This is outstanding, sir.
posted by ApathyGirl at 12:33 PM on May 9, 2018 [4 favorites]


Yeah, I came to say Comedy Collapse Disorder is an excellent name for an improv group, maybe the best I’ve ever encountered.
posted by Caduceus at 1:47 PM on May 9, 2018 [4 favorites]


Aww shucks, guys! *blush*
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:53 PM on May 9, 2018


Food Network Shows That Never Made It:

1. Making Ice Cream with Vegetables
2. Fondues for Funerals
3. Scarf 'n' Belch with Bubba & Cletus
4. Meatloaves of the World
5. Delicate Desserts with Guy Fieri
6. Nothin' but Fajitas!
7. Fun with Horsemeat (available in France only)
7. Death Valley Foraging
8. The Magic of Moonshine
9. Extreme Onion Mincing
10. The Clomping Culinarian
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:53 PM on May 9, 2018 [4 favorites]


Depression keeps you from wanting to leave the house and anxiety reminds you of why you should've stayed home.

Damn.
posted by Chuffy at 2:33 PM on May 9, 2018 [3 favorites]


Ideas for future list-making writing exercises:
1. ...

I'm not sure this is gonna work for me.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 3:07 PM on May 9, 2018 [6 favorites]


Ideas for future list-making writing exercises:

1. Weird things I've found in my pockets/purse
2. My worst DIY disasters
3. My (least/most) favorite infomercials
4. Worst pickup lines people have used on me
5. Conversations to work the word "extreme" into
6. My favorite non-existent holidays
7. "Why haven't I thrown that old thing out yet?"
8. Things that make me go totally apeshit
9. Weirdest places I've found someone's old gum
10. Things I've eaten that I should have written an AskMe about first
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:01 PM on May 9, 2018 [4 favorites]


"Why haven't I thrown that old thing out yet?"

Well, I mean, I do love (him/her), really...
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:09 PM on May 9, 2018


There is a certain Mitch Hedberg quality to this.
posted by 4ster at 6:02 PM on May 9, 2018 [1 favorite]


« Older Misunderstood Spider is a Little Less...   |   Becoming Spring Brucesteen: My Quest to Meet the... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments