A Brief History of Oral Sex
May 10, 2018 6:27 PM Subscribe
This article has some of the finest euphemisms for cunnilingus I have enjoyed. Not the least of which is earning your “I’ve been a brave boy” sticker.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 6:58 PM on May 10, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 6:58 PM on May 10, 2018 [9 favorites]
How about "giving the man in the boat a nice long cruise on Lake Lick"?
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:06 PM on May 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:06 PM on May 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
I mean really:
Dining at the Y
Growling at the badger
Rug munching
Sleeping in Phoenicia
Sneezing in the cabbage
Diving for pearls
Subconsciously on the hunt for another man’s sperm
Quick fanny physical
Oh my precious sensibilities! Not even Metafilter could come up with such a list of vulgar expressions!
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:06 PM on May 10, 2018 [8 favorites]
Dining at the Y
Growling at the badger
Rug munching
Sleeping in Phoenicia
Sneezing in the cabbage
Diving for pearls
Subconsciously on the hunt for another man’s sperm
Quick fanny physical
Oh my precious sensibilities! Not even Metafilter could come up with such a list of vulgar expressions!
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:06 PM on May 10, 2018 [8 favorites]
" Growling at the badger" was the one that caught me, that is a multilayered phrase indeed.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:08 PM on May 10, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by Dip Flash at 7:08 PM on May 10, 2018 [9 favorites]
This whole post sucks
or licks
posted by armoir from antproof case at 7:19 PM on May 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
or licks
posted by armoir from antproof case at 7:19 PM on May 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
That site was full of browser-hijacking whatsits. No, that's not a euphemism.
posted by goatdog at 7:19 PM on May 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by goatdog at 7:19 PM on May 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
If this lyric from "Light as a Breeze" isn't about oral sex... I'll eat...
my hat.
"So I knelt there at the delta
At the alpha and the omega
At the cradle of the river
And the seas
And like a blessing come from heaven,
For something like a second,
I was healed, and my heart
Was at ease"
posted by HuronBob at 7:23 PM on May 10, 2018 [5 favorites]
my hat.
"So I knelt there at the delta
At the alpha and the omega
At the cradle of the river
And the seas
And like a blessing come from heaven,
For something like a second,
I was healed, and my heart
Was at ease"
posted by HuronBob at 7:23 PM on May 10, 2018 [5 favorites]
This is great. It also gave me euphemism vision; everything seems like a reference now.
My favorite song about cunnilingus has got to be Wanda Jackson's Funnel of Love.
posted by soy bean at 7:40 PM on May 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
My favorite song about cunnilingus has got to be Wanda Jackson's Funnel of Love.
posted by soy bean at 7:40 PM on May 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
"Growling at the badger" was probably my... favorite?... too. It's got everything: amusingly incongruous onomatopoeia, inherently funny animals, the mental image of a human lying down in front of a badger sett (warren?) in an attempt to intimidate its inhabitants...
posted by inconstant at 7:49 PM on May 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by inconstant at 7:49 PM on May 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
Re: DJ Khaled: Consent is consent for everyone involved. Some people don't enjoy performing it, others don't enjoy receiving. It happens. And regardless of your gender, if there's a sex act you don't want to perform, you shouldn't be pressured or coerced or shamed into doing it. No exceptions.
That said, if your rationale behind not doing something is "different rules for men and women," it's long past time to fuck right off with all your garbage. If he had said he's not into it and therefore he doesn't expect it in return, I'd have some respect for him, but he sure as hell didn't say that.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 8:28 PM on May 10, 2018 [17 favorites]
That said, if your rationale behind not doing something is "different rules for men and women," it's long past time to fuck right off with all your garbage. If he had said he's not into it and therefore he doesn't expect it in return, I'd have some respect for him, but he sure as hell didn't say that.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 8:28 PM on May 10, 2018 [17 favorites]
DTMFA
posted by Grandysaur at 8:50 PM on May 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Grandysaur at 8:50 PM on May 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
Oh this article is delicious.
posted by desuetude at 9:10 PM on May 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by desuetude at 9:10 PM on May 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
And then, an oral history of brief sex.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:59 PM on May 10, 2018 [26 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:59 PM on May 10, 2018 [26 favorites]
Freud theorised men are terrified of the vulva because they subconsciously fear it will castrate them (it won’t).
Thank you for the clarification. This dramatically changes my marriage.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:24 PM on May 10, 2018 [14 favorites]
Thank you for the clarification. This dramatically changes my marriage.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:24 PM on May 10, 2018 [14 favorites]
Incidentally, "Quick Fanny Physical" is the name of my new band. We play...er...what's the opposite of cock rock...?
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:35 PM on May 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:35 PM on May 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
Cold wave?
posted by hototogisu at 10:45 PM on May 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by hototogisu at 10:45 PM on May 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
@pixelatedboat: DJ Khaled: AH! I don’t know what I’m doing here! *blasts rap airhorn at wife’s vagina*
posted by Going To Maine at 12:27 AM on May 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Going To Maine at 12:27 AM on May 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
Not even Metafilter could come up with such a list of vulgar expressions!
You mean vulvar expressions?
posted by DreamerFi at 12:28 AM on May 11, 2018 [6 favorites]
You mean vulvar expressions?
posted by DreamerFi at 12:28 AM on May 11, 2018 [6 favorites]
Greg_Ace: what's the opposite of cock rock...?
Vagtime.
posted by Kattullus at 1:12 AM on May 11, 2018 [25 favorites]
Vagtime.
posted by Kattullus at 1:12 AM on May 11, 2018 [25 favorites]
Never heard of this DJ Khaled before. Bit of a fucking tube, ain't he.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 1:30 AM on May 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by GallonOfAlan at 1:30 AM on May 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
> Slarty Bartfast:
"Freud theorised men are terrified of the vulva because they subconsciously fear it will castrate them"
Seems this would be an argument in favor of vigorous cunnilingus, not against.
posted by chavenet at 1:37 AM on May 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
"Freud theorised men are terrified of the vulva because they subconsciously fear it will castrate them"
Seems this would be an argument in favor of vigorous cunnilingus, not against.
posted by chavenet at 1:37 AM on May 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
What's the opposite of cock rock...?
Nouvelle Vage
posted by Devonian at 1:58 AM on May 11, 2018 [7 favorites]
Nouvelle Vage
posted by Devonian at 1:58 AM on May 11, 2018 [7 favorites]
Let me say that a Google search of [intimate body part] taste site:ask.metafilter.com is a page of SOMETHING including the famous 9-volt battery..... I feel like a Dwarf digging for Mithril; delving too greedily and deep.
posted by jadepearl at 3:14 AM on May 11, 2018
posted by jadepearl at 3:14 AM on May 11, 2018
Of course he doesn’t do it. He runs around the bedroom yelling DJ KHALED and WE THE BEST MUUUUUUUSIC while more talented people attend to his wife.
posted by pxe2000 at 4:16 AM on May 11, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by pxe2000 at 4:16 AM on May 11, 2018 [10 favorites]
That said, if your rationale behind not doing something is "different rules for men and women," it's long past time to fuck right off with all your garbage. If he had said he's not into it and therefore he doesn't expect it in return, I'd have some respect for him, but he sure as hell didn't say that.
His argument boils down to one that rich men have been making their entire existence - once I have enough money, I should be able to opt out of being obligated to do anything for someone else's benefit ever. Paying taxes. Accepting refugees. Doing jail time for crimes. Performing military service. Having to wait in line for health care.
posted by notorious medium at 4:41 AM on May 11, 2018 [9 favorites]
His argument boils down to one that rich men have been making their entire existence - once I have enough money, I should be able to opt out of being obligated to do anything for someone else's benefit ever. Paying taxes. Accepting refugees. Doing jail time for crimes. Performing military service. Having to wait in line for health care.
posted by notorious medium at 4:41 AM on May 11, 2018 [9 favorites]
Dan Savage once asked readers for pointers on cunnilingus since he didn’t feel qualified to give advice on that particular subject. The results are here. Obviously, given both the author and the subject matter there is some NSFW language involved.
posted by TedW at 5:23 AM on May 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by TedW at 5:23 AM on May 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
Freud theorised men are terrified of the vulva because they subconsciously fear it will castrate them (it won’t).
The more I learn about Freud, the more I realize that his "theories" were just him projecting his own really weird and fucked up hangups onto society at large.
Like seriously, WTF? The vulva will **CASTRATE** men? How does he possibly reach that conclusion? Wow.
On topic, I suppose we could see the fragile masculinity objection to performing oral sex on a woman as part of the emotional labor problem. Doing something to bring pleasure to another person can be rewarding, but it's a different sort of rewarding than having an orgasm yourself. You have to actually think of the other person as a person to enjoy giving them an orgasm, while you can be completely narcissistic (or even solipsistic) and still enjoy an orgasm yourself.
And there, I think, is the root of it. A lot of men either don't think of women as people, or would rather not think of women as people.
posted by sotonohito at 6:35 AM on May 11, 2018 [7 favorites]
The more I learn about Freud, the more I realize that his "theories" were just him projecting his own really weird and fucked up hangups onto society at large.
Like seriously, WTF? The vulva will **CASTRATE** men? How does he possibly reach that conclusion? Wow.
On topic, I suppose we could see the fragile masculinity objection to performing oral sex on a woman as part of the emotional labor problem. Doing something to bring pleasure to another person can be rewarding, but it's a different sort of rewarding than having an orgasm yourself. You have to actually think of the other person as a person to enjoy giving them an orgasm, while you can be completely narcissistic (or even solipsistic) and still enjoy an orgasm yourself.
And there, I think, is the root of it. A lot of men either don't think of women as people, or would rather not think of women as people.
posted by sotonohito at 6:35 AM on May 11, 2018 [7 favorites]
To not abuse the edit window, I stumbled across some MRA/Incel/Redpill/PUA/whatever person going on and on about the superiority of men, specifically including orgasms. He said that to even compare the [gross, biologically wrong, utterly ignorant of women's anatomy, and highly sexist description of women having an orgasm removed for your sanity] women had with the "sublime and perfect" experience of male orgasm was categorically incorrect. That one was a transcendent experience while the other was fakery and a deliberate mockery of that transcendent experience.
So yeah. I can totally see a guy like that objecting to performing oral sex on a woman.
posted by sotonohito at 6:38 AM on May 11, 2018
So yeah. I can totally see a guy like that objecting to performing oral sex on a woman.
posted by sotonohito at 6:38 AM on May 11, 2018
> And then, an oral history of brief sex.
My favorite two parts of sex are penetration and ejaculation and I don't see any reason why I should be shamed for making them the same thing.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:10 AM on May 11, 2018 [3 favorites]
My favorite two parts of sex are penetration and ejaculation and I don't see any reason why I should be shamed for making them the same thing.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:10 AM on May 11, 2018 [3 favorites]
This article has some of the finest euphemisms for cunnilingus I have enjoyed. Not the least of which is earning your “I’ve been a brave boy” sticker.
Best of the Web, 11 to 44 male demographic, in other words ?
posted by y2karl at 7:58 AM on May 11, 2018
Best of the Web, 11 to 44 male demographic, in other words ?
posted by y2karl at 7:58 AM on May 11, 2018
If we're doing a history of oral sex, I'd like to submit the likeliest reference to cunnilingus in the Bible:
"You are a garden fountain,
a well of flowing water
streaming down from Lebanon."
"Awake, north wind,
and come, south wind!
Blow on my garden,
that its fragrance may spread everywhere.
Let my beloved come into his garden
and taste its choice fruits."
--Song of Solomon, 4:15-16
And when you get to the beginning of chapter 7:
"How beautiful your sandaled feet,
O prince’s daughter!
Your graceful legs are like jewels,
the work of an artist’s hands.
Your navel is a rounded goblet
that never lacks blended wine."
I think it's pretty clear that "navel" here is a euphemism.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 8:00 AM on May 11, 2018 [10 favorites]
"You are a garden fountain,
a well of flowing water
streaming down from Lebanon."
"Awake, north wind,
and come, south wind!
Blow on my garden,
that its fragrance may spread everywhere.
Let my beloved come into his garden
and taste its choice fruits."
--Song of Solomon, 4:15-16
And when you get to the beginning of chapter 7:
"How beautiful your sandaled feet,
O prince’s daughter!
Your graceful legs are like jewels,
the work of an artist’s hands.
Your navel is a rounded goblet
that never lacks blended wine."
I think it's pretty clear that "navel" here is a euphemism.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 8:00 AM on May 11, 2018 [10 favorites]
> sotonohito:
"And there, I think, is the root of it."
Freud sees what you did there.
posted by chavenet at 8:32 AM on May 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
"And there, I think, is the root of it."
Freud sees what you did there.
posted by chavenet at 8:32 AM on May 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
The Freudian fear is summed up in the term Vagina Dentata. Teeth.... Not catration which is the removal of the testicles. If you put your schlock in the badger's warren it might get bit off. There are many bits of folklore and jokes around this theme. It appears that male ignorance about female anatomy has manifested in many males by fear. It's male insecurity all the way down.
posted by njohnson23 at 9:12 AM on May 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by njohnson23 at 9:12 AM on May 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
To not abuse the edit window, I stumbled across some MRA/Incel/Redpill/PUA/whatever person going on and on about the superiority of men, specifically including orgasms.
If it weren't coming from a nazi, this would be really funny. My guess is that this guy has never been with a woman having an orgasm (which isn't at all surprising).
I'm a guy who has had sex with other guys for most of my adult life. I've seen and experienced my share incredible guy orgasms. They are nothing compared to the fireworks the female orgasms I've witnessed. To go with the fireworks analogy, my impression of male orgasms is that they're those loud super-bright flashes that don't produce all the pretty trails but really get your attention. Women's orgasms strike me as the entire spectacular finale, when the whole sky lights up and everything goes off at once.
posted by treepour at 10:28 AM on May 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
If it weren't coming from a nazi, this would be really funny. My guess is that this guy has never been with a woman having an orgasm (which isn't at all surprising).
I'm a guy who has had sex with other guys for most of my adult life. I've seen and experienced my share incredible guy orgasms. They are nothing compared to the fireworks the female orgasms I've witnessed. To go with the fireworks analogy, my impression of male orgasms is that they're those loud super-bright flashes that don't produce all the pretty trails but really get your attention. Women's orgasms strike me as the entire spectacular finale, when the whole sky lights up and everything goes off at once.
posted by treepour at 10:28 AM on May 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'll just leave these here since we're talking all sex and euphemisms.
How to make aphrodisiac nut balls I Pleasant Vices Recipe - YouTube
But the introduction to this new The Brittish Museum series is the most smirk inducing thing ever.
Pleasant Vices episode 1 I Aphrodisiacs - YouTube
posted by zengargoyle at 10:39 AM on May 11, 2018
How to make aphrodisiac nut balls I Pleasant Vices Recipe - YouTube
But the introduction to this new The Brittish Museum series is the most smirk inducing thing ever.
Pleasant Vices episode 1 I Aphrodisiacs - YouTube
posted by zengargoyle at 10:39 AM on May 11, 2018
I was listening to the Misandry podcast with Marcia and Rae this morning, and Rae summed up Khaled's point as, "I shouldn't have to be concerned with my wife's sexual pleasure because I've already bought her," which just made me hope that Nicole Tuck is getting her rocks off with as many other people as possible, as often as possible, because fuck any man who thinks he is any woman's king.
posted by Squeak Attack at 10:45 AM on May 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Squeak Attack at 10:45 AM on May 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
Dining at the Y.
May we have our vice versa?
You don't have to wait until you're lost to ask directions.
posted by mule98J at 10:51 AM on May 11, 2018
May we have our vice versa?
You don't have to wait until you're lost to ask directions.
posted by mule98J at 10:51 AM on May 11, 2018
Khaled seems so fucking terrified at the thought of cunnilingus. Oh honey, grow the fuck up.
posted by desuetude at 1:14 PM on May 11, 2018
posted by desuetude at 1:14 PM on May 11, 2018
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posted by the antecedent of that pronoun at 6:45 PM on May 10, 2018