Please Don’t Ask Me To Be Your Bridesmaid
May 24, 2018 8:55 AM Subscribe
As a generation encumbered with student loan debt, job insecurity, and an economy that will prohibit many of us from ever owning homes, maybe it’s time declare a moratorium on foisting unnecessary expenses on those we care most about?
My dream wedding is a potluck picnic where everyone wears whatever they want.
posted by cichlid ceilidh at 9:22 AM on May 24, 2018 [32 favorites]
posted by cichlid ceilidh at 9:22 AM on May 24, 2018 [32 favorites]
I cannot imagine asking someone I cared about to incur thousands of dollars of expenses that they could not afford. It would be no pleasure to me to spend a weekend at the expense of my nearest and dearest, knowing that they would have to dip into savings or go into debt to provide me with fripperies. What's wrong with cutting your coat to suit your cloth?
I understand that some people have family pressures to hold big weddings and they, for various reasons, materially cannot avoid those pressures. But if someone absolutely must hold a very costly party to keep the peace in the family, surely it's reasonable to understand that friends will not be able to attend?
If we get avocado toast and sensible weddings from the millenials, they will have done an excellent job as a generation IYAM.
posted by Frowner at 9:22 AM on May 24, 2018 [37 favorites]
I understand that some people have family pressures to hold big weddings and they, for various reasons, materially cannot avoid those pressures. But if someone absolutely must hold a very costly party to keep the peace in the family, surely it's reasonable to understand that friends will not be able to attend?
If we get avocado toast and sensible weddings from the millenials, they will have done an excellent job as a generation IYAM.
posted by Frowner at 9:22 AM on May 24, 2018 [37 favorites]
My partner and I decided way back that, when we finally get hitched, it's gonna be a city hall wedding. Get in, get out, get a nice dinner. None of this expensive ceremony, bridesmaid dresses, catering and reception crap. No making people travel, 'cause there's no guests, just a witness. Easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy.
posted by SansPoint at 9:24 AM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by SansPoint at 9:24 AM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
Rather than the normal compromise that goes into planning a group vacation, the bride or groom’s needs subsume those of the guests in order to ensure that s/he has the vacation weekend of his or her dreams.
THIS. SO MUCH THIS.
My wife and I planned our wedding around the time constraints of our close friends and family, even having a mid-day wedding, after schools were done for the year, on Sunday so people could get back home and back to work for Monday (also, Sunday was cheaper for facility rental). Religious folks went to church in the morning, then came to our wedding. We had a reception lunch instead of dinner, and folks who wanted to leave at a reasonable hour could do so. Those who wanted to stay around could. Ta-da! Most people were happy.
This year, I have one wedding in June (OK, that'll work), then one on each of the next long weekends. Nice idea - extra "free" day off of work for travel. The problem? School has already started, and travel around long weekends is more expensive.
(And destination weddings can fuck right off -- unless you and your family and/or friends have wanted to go some place, have a destination honeymoon, and keep the wedding stuff somewhere everyone can travel to with relative ease.)
posted by filthy light thief at 9:24 AM on May 24, 2018 [9 favorites]
THIS. SO MUCH THIS.
My wife and I planned our wedding around the time constraints of our close friends and family, even having a mid-day wedding, after schools were done for the year, on Sunday so people could get back home and back to work for Monday (also, Sunday was cheaper for facility rental). Religious folks went to church in the morning, then came to our wedding. We had a reception lunch instead of dinner, and folks who wanted to leave at a reasonable hour could do so. Those who wanted to stay around could. Ta-da! Most people were happy.
This year, I have one wedding in June (OK, that'll work), then one on each of the next long weekends. Nice idea - extra "free" day off of work for travel. The problem? School has already started, and travel around long weekends is more expensive.
(And destination weddings can fuck right off -- unless you and your family and/or friends have wanted to go some place, have a destination honeymoon, and keep the wedding stuff somewhere everyone can travel to with relative ease.)
posted by filthy light thief at 9:24 AM on May 24, 2018 [9 favorites]
So what's the social/economic disengagement between the bride (generally the same age/economic cohort/age) as all their bridesmaids and generally interested in having kids and buying a home at a similar time as the wedding? They are generally paying much more than a bridesmaid for the same event.
Is it parental support for the wedding costs or something about BIG WEDDING that blinds them to the expenses?
posted by The_Vegetables at 9:25 AM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
Is it parental support for the wedding costs or something about BIG WEDDING that blinds them to the expenses?
posted by The_Vegetables at 9:25 AM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
At my first wedding, I told the bridesmaids to wear anything they wanted as long as it wasn't red (because my wedding dress was red). Worked just fine. At my second wedding, I dispensed with the whole thing; we got married at City Hall and took everyone out for dim sum afterwards. My husband and I loved it, as did the guests (all 14 of them -- our families insisted on attending so we invited a few friends along too).
If I think too hard about the whole wedding industrial complex, I get enraged and start to froth.
posted by holborne at 9:27 AM on May 24, 2018 [5 favorites]
If I think too hard about the whole wedding industrial complex, I get enraged and start to froth.
posted by holborne at 9:27 AM on May 24, 2018 [5 favorites]
one of my best friends is marrying her girlfriend in her childhood home's backyard next month and they were both like "you can wear pajamas if you want" and that is how i know they are My People.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:31 AM on May 24, 2018 [66 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 9:31 AM on May 24, 2018 [66 favorites]
Went to a Millennial wedding recently. Held at a private space at a restaurant. Rest was DIY: Bridesmaids wore their own dresses. Flowers were bought at Whole Foods the morning of. Photos by a friend. Cake by another friend. Third friend officiated. Music was via playlist on a phone connected to audio. It was the best wedding I’ve ever been to.
posted by Ike_Arumba at 9:41 AM on May 24, 2018 [16 favorites]
posted by Ike_Arumba at 9:41 AM on May 24, 2018 [16 favorites]
My wife and I had one bridesmaid who was also the best man who was also our officiant. I honestly don't remember what she wore. Our wedding invitation specifically said to the guests "Wear whatever you want. We hope at least one person will be wearing shorts." One guy took us up on it!
I know our style isn't everyone's style, and there's a reason why wedding attendants and formality are important to some people. But when I go to more "high-maintenance" weddings, all I can see is how obviously stressed out everyone is. And a lot of that has to do with the amount of work and money the wedding party is expected to put in. I feel bad for couples who, because of social pressures or plain old capitalist predation, end up straining their relationships with the very friends and family who are supposed to represent the couple's connection to their community.
posted by saturday_morning at 9:44 AM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
I know our style isn't everyone's style, and there's a reason why wedding attendants and formality are important to some people. But when I go to more "high-maintenance" weddings, all I can see is how obviously stressed out everyone is. And a lot of that has to do with the amount of work and money the wedding party is expected to put in. I feel bad for couples who, because of social pressures or plain old capitalist predation, end up straining their relationships with the very friends and family who are supposed to represent the couple's connection to their community.
posted by saturday_morning at 9:44 AM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
Of the friend-group weddings I've been to, two of them were DIY-heavy backyard affairs which had no formal bridesmaids/groomsmen at all. The third one, where I was Maid of Honor, was much more traditional, but the bride told us all that she would be very happy to pay for our dresses if there was any question of affordability, and the bachelorette party was just a trip to the local beach and brunch the next day.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:47 AM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:47 AM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
If we get avocado toast and sensible weddings from the millenials, they will have done an excellent job as a generation IYAM.
Can I marry avocado toast?
I know the odds are against the relationship lasting, but I’m willing to give it a chance.
posted by Celsius1414 at 9:48 AM on May 24, 2018 [9 favorites]
Can I marry avocado toast?
I know the odds are against the relationship lasting, but I’m willing to give it a chance.
posted by Celsius1414 at 9:48 AM on May 24, 2018 [9 favorites]
TWO WORDS: NUDE WEDDINGS
posted by saladin at 9:49 AM on May 24, 2018 [14 favorites]
posted by saladin at 9:49 AM on May 24, 2018 [14 favorites]
So what's the social/economic disengagement between the bride (generally the same age/economic cohort/age) as all their bridesmaids and generally interested in having kids and buying a home at a similar time as the wedding?
At least among people I know, it's an economic but not social division -- those who went to school on loans, paid for their own weddings, and will have to save their own downpayments went to college or work with (and thus are in the same social circle with) people whose parents paid their tuition and board, will be paying for the wedding, and will be helping the couple out with a downpayment or other large future costs. The lack of student loans also means the parentally-helped couple will be able to save more of their own funds for emergencies or health problems or eventual children.
posted by melissasaurus at 9:50 AM on May 24, 2018 [7 favorites]
At least among people I know, it's an economic but not social division -- those who went to school on loans, paid for their own weddings, and will have to save their own downpayments went to college or work with (and thus are in the same social circle with) people whose parents paid their tuition and board, will be paying for the wedding, and will be helping the couple out with a downpayment or other large future costs. The lack of student loans also means the parentally-helped couple will be able to save more of their own funds for emergencies or health problems or eventual children.
posted by melissasaurus at 9:50 AM on May 24, 2018 [7 favorites]
At my wedding I did have bridesmaids but I told them to wear whatever they like, and told the one with anxiety issues that she didn't have to decide until the wedding started, whether she could bear to stand up there in front. (Once the pressure was off, it turned out she could do it.) I doubt that all of us together spent $100 on things we wouldn't be able to wear again.
In my opinion it was a spectacular wedding. Mr Elizilla agrees.
We don't feel like we cheaped out at all, or deprived ourselves of any flourish we valued.
posted by elizilla at 9:54 AM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
In my opinion it was a spectacular wedding. Mr Elizilla agrees.
We don't feel like we cheaped out at all, or deprived ourselves of any flourish we valued.
posted by elizilla at 9:54 AM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
How about the author does her wedding the way she wants, other people do their weddings the way they want, if people find being in a wedding party onerous they decline the invitation, and we all stop judging each other's choices?
I loved being my college bestie's maid of honor, and she and her family made it super easy for me. (I was recovering from an accident that involved a broken hip.) A committee of aunts threw the shower. No bachelorette party; just Chinese delivery and late-night DIY manicures at her parents' where we spent the night. $20 updos at a local salon on the morning of. The bride was a music teacher, and our dresses were out of a discount choir apparel catalog at $40 apiece. Something like this, in dark green, paired with black pumps. My main duties were to sign the paperwork as official witness, circulate at the reception and remind people to sign the guest book, and, if necessary, hold the bride's full skirts out of the way in the bathroom. (She never needed the bathroom. Must've been nerves!)
I paid $100 for a Greyhound ticket, but I would have done that as a guest and probably wouldn't have been put up by the parents.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:56 AM on May 24, 2018 [9 favorites]
I loved being my college bestie's maid of honor, and she and her family made it super easy for me. (I was recovering from an accident that involved a broken hip.) A committee of aunts threw the shower. No bachelorette party; just Chinese delivery and late-night DIY manicures at her parents' where we spent the night. $20 updos at a local salon on the morning of. The bride was a music teacher, and our dresses were out of a discount choir apparel catalog at $40 apiece. Something like this, in dark green, paired with black pumps. My main duties were to sign the paperwork as official witness, circulate at the reception and remind people to sign the guest book, and, if necessary, hold the bride's full skirts out of the way in the bathroom. (She never needed the bathroom. Must've been nerves!)
I paid $100 for a Greyhound ticket, but I would have done that as a guest and probably wouldn't have been put up by the parents.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:56 AM on May 24, 2018 [9 favorites]
Celsius1414: Can I marry avocado toast?
Speaking as an ordained member of the Church of the SubGenius, I can marry anyone to anything for as long as you desire.
It's not legally binding, but anything you and avocado toast do within your short-duration marriage is perfectly fine in the eyes of "Bob", and that's what matters, right?
posted by SansPoint at 9:57 AM on May 24, 2018 [22 favorites]
Speaking as an ordained member of the Church of the SubGenius, I can marry anyone to anything for as long as you desire.
It's not legally binding, but anything you and avocado toast do within your short-duration marriage is perfectly fine in the eyes of "Bob", and that's what matters, right?
posted by SansPoint at 9:57 AM on May 24, 2018 [22 favorites]
My dream wedding is a potluck picnic where everyone wears whatever they want.
Friends of mine did basically that. 15-ish years on people are still talking about how it was the greatest wedding they’ve been to.
posted by rodlymight at 10:00 AM on May 24, 2018
Friends of mine did basically that. 15-ish years on people are still talking about how it was the greatest wedding they’ve been to.
posted by rodlymight at 10:00 AM on May 24, 2018
I was my best friend's maid of honor in 1996, and I will be eternally and forever grateful for how she handled the whole shebang:
* She actually did the "pot luck in the backyard" thing and only got fancy and had people all dressed up under duress when both her mother and the grooms' mother offered their services.
* She declared that she did not want a bridal shower, nor did she want a bachelorette party. Her reasons for both were that a) "we already have enough crap, what I need is a bridal tag sale" and b) "Bachelorette parties are stupid, let's just do shots in my kitchen the night before."
* When she realized that she had one bridesmaid who lived in NYC, one in upstate New York, and one in Hawaii, and the logistics for bridesmaid dress shopping would be difficult, she simply flipped open a mid-range casual-clothing catalog her mother had at her house, found a dress she liked, and called us all and told us "call this 800-number, order dress 5A-Q in your size in peach." It was only $20 and I really did use it for something else.
* She didn't even declare a Maid of Honor until 1 am the day of the wedding. While we were doing shots she took me aside, handed me the groom's ring and quietly said "I'm gonna need you to hang on to this during the service for me." (It actually took me a minute to figure out what she was saying.) She did that partly to combat the fits of jealousy she'd have gotten from the other bridesmaids (she told them "I'm just going ot have bridesmaids becuase you're all equal"), but also partly to spare me the feeling of obligation. So my MOH duties consisted solely of being the "appointed person I call when I need to vent" (which I was doing anyway), holding various bits and bobs during the service, and swooping in at 7 am the morning of the wedding to clean up when her dogs took massive shits all over the porch the singer would be standing on.
No hotel needed (I stayed at her house and then at my parents'), a cheap dress, no extra duties and all I needed to do was show up. I love her.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:04 AM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
* She actually did the "pot luck in the backyard" thing and only got fancy and had people all dressed up under duress when both her mother and the grooms' mother offered their services.
* She declared that she did not want a bridal shower, nor did she want a bachelorette party. Her reasons for both were that a) "we already have enough crap, what I need is a bridal tag sale" and b) "Bachelorette parties are stupid, let's just do shots in my kitchen the night before."
* When she realized that she had one bridesmaid who lived in NYC, one in upstate New York, and one in Hawaii, and the logistics for bridesmaid dress shopping would be difficult, she simply flipped open a mid-range casual-clothing catalog her mother had at her house, found a dress she liked, and called us all and told us "call this 800-number, order dress 5A-Q in your size in peach." It was only $20 and I really did use it for something else.
* She didn't even declare a Maid of Honor until 1 am the day of the wedding. While we were doing shots she took me aside, handed me the groom's ring and quietly said "I'm gonna need you to hang on to this during the service for me." (It actually took me a minute to figure out what she was saying.) She did that partly to combat the fits of jealousy she'd have gotten from the other bridesmaids (she told them "I'm just going ot have bridesmaids becuase you're all equal"), but also partly to spare me the feeling of obligation. So my MOH duties consisted solely of being the "appointed person I call when I need to vent" (which I was doing anyway), holding various bits and bobs during the service, and swooping in at 7 am the morning of the wedding to clean up when her dogs took massive shits all over the porch the singer would be standing on.
No hotel needed (I stayed at her house and then at my parents'), a cheap dress, no extra duties and all I needed to do was show up. I love her.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:04 AM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
Or...you could cover the cost of the bridesmaids' dresses, for those that need it?
The dress costs, and it's often not reusable, and it can be frankly creepy-lookin', so I understand why that galls, and consider assistance appropriate. But a lot of the things she complains about are optional. No one's going to six parties for one wedding who doesn't feel like doing it. And travel's going to cost whether or not you're in the wedding party (arguments against gratuitous destination weddings generally do go here).
I don't know, I'm just really not a fan of people deciding how formal other people's weddings should be. Want to do the backyard thing, or the City Hall quickie? Great! Have fun! But if you want something more serious to mark this major transition in life, then that's not vain or frivolous or classist or whatever.
posted by praemunire at 10:08 AM on May 24, 2018 [18 favorites]
The dress costs, and it's often not reusable, and it can be frankly creepy-lookin', so I understand why that galls, and consider assistance appropriate. But a lot of the things she complains about are optional. No one's going to six parties for one wedding who doesn't feel like doing it. And travel's going to cost whether or not you're in the wedding party (arguments against gratuitous destination weddings generally do go here).
I don't know, I'm just really not a fan of people deciding how formal other people's weddings should be. Want to do the backyard thing, or the City Hall quickie? Great! Have fun! But if you want something more serious to mark this major transition in life, then that's not vain or frivolous or classist or whatever.
posted by praemunire at 10:08 AM on May 24, 2018 [18 favorites]
the bride told us all that she would be very happy to pay for our dresses if there was any question of affordability
yeah, the whole "buy this (maybe ugly) expensive dress for one use" thing is like. i am always deeply uncomfortable asking people to take on expenses that only benefit me whether or not i know their financial situation, and of course you can't know their financial situation without Asking Impolite Questions, which is just Not Done, and it's very socially fraught and i have concerns.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:08 AM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
yeah, the whole "buy this (maybe ugly) expensive dress for one use" thing is like. i am always deeply uncomfortable asking people to take on expenses that only benefit me whether or not i know their financial situation, and of course you can't know their financial situation without Asking Impolite Questions, which is just Not Done, and it's very socially fraught and i have concerns.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:08 AM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
elope, throw a party for family and friends afterward
posted by philip-random at 10:09 AM on May 24, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by philip-random at 10:09 AM on May 24, 2018 [7 favorites]
Overpriced weddings and overpriced funerals are the same wasteful situation... throwing money at something to placate everyone else. The panoply and spectacle are never of the slightest benefit to the "stars" of the event. In fact, if every dollar that would have been spent on a wedding was instead banked for the future, how much better off would new spouses be?? If every dollar spent on lavish funerals was instead banked for a child's trust fund, or donated to charity, etc., and a low-cost cremation performed instead... you get my point. I know I may be wholly alone in this mindset, but damn. So much waste.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 10:12 AM on May 24, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 10:12 AM on May 24, 2018 [5 favorites]
I’m now old enough to where last year I had my first experience of having been in a friend’s wedding for the second time. The first wedding was what you would consider a more typical “big” wedding affair. No fault to my friend, but it came at a really bad time for me financially - I had just started my own (now closed) business, was basically living on no salary, and thus every aspect of being the Best Man was a major financial burden from renting the tux to throwing the relatively modest bachelor party.
The second time around the wedding attire amounted to, “So, guys, here is the suit I’m wearing, if you can wear something that sort of matches that would be great” (bridal dresses followed the same format, just had to be the same color) and there was no bachelor party, just a night out a couple weeks before the wedding where the groomsmen party went out for dinner and hit a few bars. I think the Lyft ride out was the biggest expense.
Selfishly, I am glad this trend of scaled down weddings is coming around now as both of my stepsons are engaged at the moment. I told my older stepson, who is getting married next month, “Of course we will help pay for the rehearsal dinner (along with his dad)” and he said, “Oh, we’re not doing that”. 👍👍
posted by The Gooch at 10:14 AM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
The second time around the wedding attire amounted to, “So, guys, here is the suit I’m wearing, if you can wear something that sort of matches that would be great” (bridal dresses followed the same format, just had to be the same color) and there was no bachelor party, just a night out a couple weeks before the wedding where the groomsmen party went out for dinner and hit a few bars. I think the Lyft ride out was the biggest expense.
Selfishly, I am glad this trend of scaled down weddings is coming around now as both of my stepsons are engaged at the moment. I told my older stepson, who is getting married next month, “Of course we will help pay for the rehearsal dinner (along with his dad)” and he said, “Oh, we’re not doing that”. 👍👍
posted by The Gooch at 10:14 AM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
My little sister just graduated college and was howling about her friend doing this to her, and then having to watch her friend flaunting wedding gifts and cash while her peers are all scrambling to find jobs.
Meanwhile, my fiance and I are thinking of getting married in France (where she's native) because it's so much cheaper that the cost offset will let us have a nice wedding and still help pay for airfare for invitees who need it. Weddings in the US are a horrid, trashy scam.
posted by es_de_bah at 10:15 AM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
Meanwhile, my fiance and I are thinking of getting married in France (where she's native) because it's so much cheaper that the cost offset will let us have a nice wedding and still help pay for airfare for invitees who need it. Weddings in the US are a horrid, trashy scam.
posted by es_de_bah at 10:15 AM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
Can I marry avocado toast?
Person 1: “Marital status?”
Person 2: “Widowed..... *BELCH*”
posted by dr_dank at 10:15 AM on May 24, 2018 [47 favorites]
Person 1: “Marital status?”
Person 2: “Widowed..... *BELCH*”
posted by dr_dank at 10:15 AM on May 24, 2018 [47 favorites]
i am always deeply uncomfortable asking people to take on expenses that only benefit me whether or not i know their financial situation, and of course you can't know their financial situation without Asking Impolite Questions, which is just Not Done, and it's very socially fraught and i have concerns.
I definitely get this, but among my particular friend group, it just didn't really feel awkward somehow. It actually hadn't occurred to me that it might be until I read this comment. I wonder if this is a Millennial Thing - my friends all talk to each other about their finances all the time, maybe because we all know we're various degrees of financially fucked compared to previous generations.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:15 AM on May 24, 2018 [7 favorites]
I definitely get this, but among my particular friend group, it just didn't really feel awkward somehow. It actually hadn't occurred to me that it might be until I read this comment. I wonder if this is a Millennial Thing - my friends all talk to each other about their finances all the time, maybe because we all know we're various degrees of financially fucked compared to previous generations.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:15 AM on May 24, 2018 [7 favorites]
Overpriced weddings and overpriced funerals are the same wasteful situation... throwing money at something to placate everyone else. The panoply and spectacle are never of the slightest benefit to the "stars" of the event. In fact, if every dollar that would have been spent on a wedding was instead banked for the future, how much better off would new spouses be?? If every dollar spent on lavish funerals was instead banked for a child's trust fund, or donated to charity, etc., and a low-cost cremation performed instead... you get my point. I know I may be wholly alone in this mindset, but damn. So much waste.
I mean, I could also eat nothing but the absolute cheapest food, live in the absolute cheapest apartment, etc etc. Any money you ever spend on anything is money that you can't spend on other stuff later on. That doesn't make spending it a waste necessarily.
I also have to object to the idea that brides and grooms never enjoy their own weddings! I don't think I know any married couple who feels that way. Partly, that's probably because there's a little more freedom these days to break from traditional wedding conventions, so more people can have the kind of wedding THEY want, rather than the wedding other people expect.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:19 AM on May 24, 2018 [15 favorites]
I mean, I could also eat nothing but the absolute cheapest food, live in the absolute cheapest apartment, etc etc. Any money you ever spend on anything is money that you can't spend on other stuff later on. That doesn't make spending it a waste necessarily.
I also have to object to the idea that brides and grooms never enjoy their own weddings! I don't think I know any married couple who feels that way. Partly, that's probably because there's a little more freedom these days to break from traditional wedding conventions, so more people can have the kind of wedding THEY want, rather than the wedding other people expect.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:19 AM on May 24, 2018 [15 favorites]
Yeah, but, I_Love_Bananas, I'm going to take the wild guess that you wouldn't care to have me sit down with your budget and blue-pencil out all the waste I personally perceive, right?
I had a friend who got married with freaking trumpeters doing a fanfare to mark the appearance of the couple (I didn't attend), so I'm fully appreciative of how silly it can get. I doubt I'd pay one-third of what some of the people I went to school with did for their weddings. I just don't care to vet the details of how everyone chooses to handle a day that should be very personal and important for them. (And if I caught myself resenting the fact that a friend was being happy about her wedding gifts, I'd break up with the friend, because jeepers.)
posted by praemunire at 10:20 AM on May 24, 2018 [5 favorites]
I had a friend who got married with freaking trumpeters doing a fanfare to mark the appearance of the couple (I didn't attend), so I'm fully appreciative of how silly it can get. I doubt I'd pay one-third of what some of the people I went to school with did for their weddings. I just don't care to vet the details of how everyone chooses to handle a day that should be very personal and important for them. (And if I caught myself resenting the fact that a friend was being happy about her wedding gifts, I'd break up with the friend, because jeepers.)
posted by praemunire at 10:20 AM on May 24, 2018 [5 favorites]
Although, I do have to point out that I've (happily!) been part of DIY weddings- and no one tells you how much TIME it takes. Yes you (the bride) save money, but there are other costs, and not everyone can just DIY everything. On one hand, if you've got someone artsy and practical and with an actual idea of what they want leading the charge it can work out great, but often people don't know exactly what they want, and "good enough" isn't always actually good enough for at least one party involved, and you end up throwing money (or tears) at problems that could have been easily avoided at the start.
why yes, ask me why I was PLANTING FLOWERS in my dress 2 hrs before a wedding in someone's yard, which they were using for the ceremony, and the mother of the bride freaked out that the yard didn't look finished enough?
posted by larthegreat at 10:21 AM on May 24, 2018 [17 favorites]
why yes, ask me why I was PLANTING FLOWERS in my dress 2 hrs before a wedding in someone's yard, which they were using for the ceremony, and the mother of the bride freaked out that the yard didn't look finished enough?
posted by larthegreat at 10:21 AM on May 24, 2018 [17 favorites]
If I think too hard about the whole wedding industrial complex, I get enraged and start to froth.
It's just a private interactive play. Not my thing. I have had to be a bridesmaid, and the last time, my uncomfortable shoes actually fell apart before I got home, and the dress was too thin for the time of year and venue. The dress ended up in the trash because it wasn't in my taste, and was pretty much disposable. I would never force people to wear something they didn't choose, and why I never liked ceremonies (mind you, I have heard of brides wanting their wedding party to all get the same tattoos, which is a little extreme, if you ask me).
It should be a nice little party, but having bridesmaids and ushers is unnecessary -- just invite people who care about the two of you, feed them, and move on.
But for me, weddings in general are not appealing. If I ever got married, no one would know.
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 10:21 AM on May 24, 2018
It's just a private interactive play. Not my thing. I have had to be a bridesmaid, and the last time, my uncomfortable shoes actually fell apart before I got home, and the dress was too thin for the time of year and venue. The dress ended up in the trash because it wasn't in my taste, and was pretty much disposable. I would never force people to wear something they didn't choose, and why I never liked ceremonies (mind you, I have heard of brides wanting their wedding party to all get the same tattoos, which is a little extreme, if you ask me).
It should be a nice little party, but having bridesmaids and ushers is unnecessary -- just invite people who care about the two of you, feed them, and move on.
But for me, weddings in general are not appealing. If I ever got married, no one would know.
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 10:21 AM on May 24, 2018
Meanwhile, my fiance and I are thinking of getting married in France (where she's native) because it's so much cheaper that the cost offset will let us have a nice wedding and still help pay for airfare for invitees who need it. Weddings in the US are a horrid, trashy scam.
I mean unless you’re paying (not assisting but straight paying) for a whole bunch of international flight tickets, setting up travel in a foreign country, etc, you’ve just offloaded the “scam” part onto your guests didn’t you?
Don’t get me wrong it sounds like a great idea for you but an infinitely larger pain for your guests who wish to attend or find themselves socially compelled to attend and end up having to get passports, book and take an international trip, navigate around a foreign country without being able to actually enjoy it, etc.
posted by griphus at 10:24 AM on May 24, 2018 [8 favorites]
I mean unless you’re paying (not assisting but straight paying) for a whole bunch of international flight tickets, setting up travel in a foreign country, etc, you’ve just offloaded the “scam” part onto your guests didn’t you?
Don’t get me wrong it sounds like a great idea for you but an infinitely larger pain for your guests who wish to attend or find themselves socially compelled to attend and end up having to get passports, book and take an international trip, navigate around a foreign country without being able to actually enjoy it, etc.
posted by griphus at 10:24 AM on May 24, 2018 [8 favorites]
In the UK, the bride and groom traditionally pay for the outfits for the bridal party. I always found the US idea that bridesmaids are supposed to pay for dresses for someone else's event, that someone else chooses, deeply weird. I wonder how that got started.
We got married last year, and I actually would have been ok with having an immediate family only wedding - but my husband really wanted at least 6 of his friends there, plus then they have spouses and kids, and then I might as well invite a couple of mine and then we're having a WEDDING instead of the tiny ceremony and dinner I had pictured. But you know what, it was important to him and when we look back at the pictures we're so happy! And I don't really like other people's weddings. I don't know, I think shaming people for what they spend sucks whether they spend "too much" or "too little" for your tastes.
posted by stillnocturnal at 10:25 AM on May 24, 2018 [7 favorites]
We got married last year, and I actually would have been ok with having an immediate family only wedding - but my husband really wanted at least 6 of his friends there, plus then they have spouses and kids, and then I might as well invite a couple of mine and then we're having a WEDDING instead of the tiny ceremony and dinner I had pictured. But you know what, it was important to him and when we look back at the pictures we're so happy! And I don't really like other people's weddings. I don't know, I think shaming people for what they spend sucks whether they spend "too much" or "too little" for your tastes.
posted by stillnocturnal at 10:25 AM on May 24, 2018 [7 favorites]
I definitely get this, but among my particular friend group, it just didn't really feel awkward somehow.
no, i mean, that's why saying "i will of course pay for these dresses" is a good way to handle things. although the ideal is of course "here is where your bespoke couture fitting will take place at your convenience and my expense, your litter and litter bearers await your summoning".
posted by poffin boffin at 10:30 AM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
no, i mean, that's why saying "i will of course pay for these dresses" is a good way to handle things. although the ideal is of course "here is where your bespoke couture fitting will take place at your convenience and my expense, your litter and litter bearers await your summoning".
posted by poffin boffin at 10:30 AM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
The panoply and spectacle are never of the slightest benefit to the "stars" of the event.
This certainly can be true. My own wedding is probably the wedding where I got to enjoy to stuff that costs money less than any other; I ate less, I drank less (a lot less than some weddings I've been to, oof), I had less time and attention to enjoy the beauty of the flowers or the venue or whatever. Instead all that stuff got enjoyed by my friends and family, who I love very much. It seems exactly backwards to call it a "waste" for that reason.
We were lucky and the cost of the wedding was covered for us by family. That's a huge privilege and I recognize that, but throwing a big party for people I care about? I've done way more wasteful stuff with my in-laws money.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:36 AM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
This certainly can be true. My own wedding is probably the wedding where I got to enjoy to stuff that costs money less than any other; I ate less, I drank less (a lot less than some weddings I've been to, oof), I had less time and attention to enjoy the beauty of the flowers or the venue or whatever. Instead all that stuff got enjoyed by my friends and family, who I love very much. It seems exactly backwards to call it a "waste" for that reason.
We were lucky and the cost of the wedding was covered for us by family. That's a huge privilege and I recognize that, but throwing a big party for people I care about? I've done way more wasteful stuff with my in-laws money.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:36 AM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
Some cultures have a wedding practice where guests give cash to the newly married couple. According to this NYT article, the practice is catching on in America, especially among young people.
I don't know if this makes things better or worse. On one hand, guests don't have to buy gifts that couples may not even need. And money helps new couples get established or even just pay for the wedding/honeymoon. On the other hand, this could be an added financial burden onto guests.
posted by FJT at 10:38 AM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
I don't know if this makes things better or worse. On one hand, guests don't have to buy gifts that couples may not even need. And money helps new couples get established or even just pay for the wedding/honeymoon. On the other hand, this could be an added financial burden onto guests.
posted by FJT at 10:38 AM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
I come from a culture where giving anything except money is usually considered passive aggressive and imo the cash gift culture is the objectively correct culture
posted by griphus at 10:40 AM on May 24, 2018 [19 favorites]
posted by griphus at 10:40 AM on May 24, 2018 [19 favorites]
yes accurate
posted by poffin boffin at 10:41 AM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by poffin boffin at 10:41 AM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
I've never been married, and I'm a man, but this struck a chord with me. I think this first came onto my radar when an acquaintance casually stated that she works in the wedding "industry". And my reaction, (thought, not spoken) was, "Industry? Don't we just get together, recite vows and then have a little party? Does this really justify having an industry to support it?"
Several people have made the point that people should be able to have whatever kind of wedding they choose. And sure, I agree with that. I don't think anybody's saying extravagant weddings should be prohibited. But the point is, if your argument is that we (the bride and groom) can do whatever we want because it doesn't affect anyone else, that's just not true. You're asking (and, whether you mean to or not, implicitly pressuring) your family and friends to go to great expense for your benefit. And, to me anyway, that's kind of a shitty thing to do to your friends.
posted by tom_r at 10:50 AM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
Several people have made the point that people should be able to have whatever kind of wedding they choose. And sure, I agree with that. I don't think anybody's saying extravagant weddings should be prohibited. But the point is, if your argument is that we (the bride and groom) can do whatever we want because it doesn't affect anyone else, that's just not true. You're asking (and, whether you mean to or not, implicitly pressuring) your family and friends to go to great expense for your benefit. And, to me anyway, that's kind of a shitty thing to do to your friends.
posted by tom_r at 10:50 AM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
TWO WORDS: NUDE WEDDINGS
Lwaxana Troi, is that you?
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:51 AM on May 24, 2018 [21 favorites]
Lwaxana Troi, is that you?
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:51 AM on May 24, 2018 [21 favorites]
Yeah, the problem with this article seems to be less “having bridesmaids is insane” and more “some people are putting too high expectations on their bridesmaids.”
I had bridesmaids, they were awesome. I gave a dress length and a color that was reusable (navy blue, cocktail length) and everyone got their own dresses and they were similar enough to be fine. Local bridesmaids were in charge of pre-wedding parties, out of town ones for the wedding parties for a fair division of labor. It cost nowhere close to 1200$. Also bridesmaids don’t give you gifts, you give bridesmaids gifts.
posted by corb at 11:08 AM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
I had bridesmaids, they were awesome. I gave a dress length and a color that was reusable (navy blue, cocktail length) and everyone got their own dresses and they were similar enough to be fine. Local bridesmaids were in charge of pre-wedding parties, out of town ones for the wedding parties for a fair division of labor. It cost nowhere close to 1200$. Also bridesmaids don’t give you gifts, you give bridesmaids gifts.
posted by corb at 11:08 AM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
I have had to be a bridesmaid
But did you really have to? I mean, isn't politely declining always a valid option?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:08 AM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
But did you really have to? I mean, isn't politely declining always a valid option?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:08 AM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
Can I marry avocado toast?
Speaking as an ordained member of the Church of the SubGenius, I can marry anyone to anything for as long as you desire.
Speaking as an ordained member of the Universal Life Church, no. The avocado toast can't give consent and you're going to eat the poor bastard before then end of the event.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 11:15 AM on May 24, 2018 [5 favorites]
Speaking as an ordained member of the Church of the SubGenius, I can marry anyone to anything for as long as you desire.
Speaking as an ordained member of the Universal Life Church, no. The avocado toast can't give consent and you're going to eat the poor bastard before then end of the event.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 11:15 AM on May 24, 2018 [5 favorites]
I have had to be a bridesmaid
But did you really have to? I mean, isn't politely declining always a valid option?
It’s an option, just not an option without social and emotional fallout.
posted by corey flood at 11:19 AM on May 24, 2018 [32 favorites]
But did you really have to? I mean, isn't politely declining always a valid option?
It’s an option, just not an option without social and emotional fallout.
posted by corey flood at 11:19 AM on May 24, 2018 [32 favorites]
and you're going to eat the poor bastard before then end of the event.
As a Mantis Presbyter we’d be cool with this so
posted by griphus at 11:20 AM on May 24, 2018 [10 favorites]
As a Mantis Presbyter we’d be cool with this so
posted by griphus at 11:20 AM on May 24, 2018 [10 favorites]
But did you really have to? I mean, isn't politely declining always a valid option?
You have to, yes. A potential bridesmaid has about as much agency as does avocado toast. In one, our dresses were shiny jungle green satin and the waist hit at the exact widest part of our hips. The marriage did not last. Then I was in one where we were supposed to find something we'd wear again in a style, length, and color we liked. That marriage is going strong.
posted by Don Pepino at 11:26 AM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
You have to, yes. A potential bridesmaid has about as much agency as does avocado toast. In one, our dresses were shiny jungle green satin and the waist hit at the exact widest part of our hips. The marriage did not last. Then I was in one where we were supposed to find something we'd wear again in a style, length, and color we liked. That marriage is going strong.
posted by Don Pepino at 11:26 AM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
ActingTheGoat: I'm also ordained in the Universal Life Church. However, because the avocado toast cannot legally consent, I offered up the non-legally binding SubGenius marriage as an alternative.
posted by SansPoint at 11:36 AM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by SansPoint at 11:36 AM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
But did you really have to? I mean, isn't politely declining always a valid option?
I think the people who are cool with their friends politely declining are the same type of people who would have considered their friends' budgets and schedules in their wedding plans. The very folks who are all "we are having a destination wedding at a pop-up spa in the Mongolian desert; our dresses will be puce taffeta mini-crinis from the 1988 Vivienne Westwood collection recreated with hand-sewing by nuns and I would like my MOH to ship and arrange all the wedding decorations" are the people who will pitch a fit if you decline.
posted by Frowner at 11:36 AM on May 24, 2018 [29 favorites]
I think the people who are cool with their friends politely declining are the same type of people who would have considered their friends' budgets and schedules in their wedding plans. The very folks who are all "we are having a destination wedding at a pop-up spa in the Mongolian desert; our dresses will be puce taffeta mini-crinis from the 1988 Vivienne Westwood collection recreated with hand-sewing by nuns and I would like my MOH to ship and arrange all the wedding decorations" are the people who will pitch a fit if you decline.
posted by Frowner at 11:36 AM on May 24, 2018 [29 favorites]
My dream wedding is a potluck picnic where everyone wears whatever they want.
We did that, out in a big field on a pleasant sunny day! I wore a bright yellow shirt and a very loud tie. After a short reasonably informal ceremony we set out chairs and blankets and everyone picnicked (catered by a local seafood company, which her parents insisted on paying for after we refused to let them be otherwise involved in the planning). A good time was had by all. I highly recommend it.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:39 AM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
We did that, out in a big field on a pleasant sunny day! I wore a bright yellow shirt and a very loud tie. After a short reasonably informal ceremony we set out chairs and blankets and everyone picnicked (catered by a local seafood company, which her parents insisted on paying for after we refused to let them be otherwise involved in the planning). A good time was had by all. I highly recommend it.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:39 AM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
Nthing fuck destination weddings.
posted by Sphinx at 11:46 AM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Sphinx at 11:46 AM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
The New York Times reports that it costs on average $1,200 to $1,800 to be a member of a wedding party (though in my experience, the cost can be much higher, particularly if you include travel).
I'm fairly sure that my wedding didn't cost $1200 in total. The marriage itself lasted less than a decade, but even as I was telling family and friends about the split, they expressed their regrets in terms of how great our wedding was.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:47 AM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm fairly sure that my wedding didn't cost $1200 in total. The marriage itself lasted less than a decade, but even as I was telling family and friends about the split, they expressed their regrets in terms of how great our wedding was.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:47 AM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
Hey, I don't think I'll ever get married, but if I do there is a good chance that I will also have trumpeters doing fanfares. Or French horns. Or trombones. Or all of the above.
Then again 90% of my current social circle are members of a symphony orchestra, so.
(For the rest? City Hall, backyard party, which is where the brass players come in.)
posted by seyirci at 12:00 PM on May 24, 2018 [8 favorites]
Then again 90% of my current social circle are members of a symphony orchestra, so.
(For the rest? City Hall, backyard party, which is where the brass players come in.)
posted by seyirci at 12:00 PM on May 24, 2018 [8 favorites]
I just went to a wedding this weekend that cost more than a house; the band alone cost $40,000. Although I have a feeling members of that bridal party didn't pay for their own outfits.
In the unlikely event that I ever get married? I'm eloping.
posted by elsietheeel at 12:00 PM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
In the unlikely event that I ever get married? I'm eloping.
posted by elsietheeel at 12:00 PM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
I have had to be a bridesmaid
But did you really have to? I mean, isn't politely declining always a valid option?
It’s an option, just not an option without social and emotional fallout.
Where you're dealing with other people, there's always going to be social and emotional fallout. There's obviously social and emotional fallout when you agree to be an attendant even thought you don't want to, and then feel used and simmer with resentment for years afterward. If the friendship is going to be damaged, it's better that it be damaged because you said "I'm so sorry, you know I love you, but but I've just got too much on my plate with work, family obligations, project X, etc. to take on the responsibility of being in your wedding party and giving it the time and focus you deserve," and not because you said nothing and just stewed in silent rancor.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:04 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
But did you really have to? I mean, isn't politely declining always a valid option?
It’s an option, just not an option without social and emotional fallout.
Where you're dealing with other people, there's always going to be social and emotional fallout. There's obviously social and emotional fallout when you agree to be an attendant even thought you don't want to, and then feel used and simmer with resentment for years afterward. If the friendship is going to be damaged, it's better that it be damaged because you said "I'm so sorry, you know I love you, but but I've just got too much on my plate with work, family obligations, project X, etc. to take on the responsibility of being in your wedding party and giving it the time and focus you deserve," and not because you said nothing and just stewed in silent rancor.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:04 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
I just really have to post here about the worst wretched excess wedding I ever attended:
First of all: 600 guests. For the ceremony, they hired an orchestra. Not a trio or something -- an honest to god chamber orchestra with a conductor. Then the ceremony itself went on for around an hour, and there was this friend of theirs who they had sing during the ceremony. He wasn't that great, but thought he was. They had him sing the seventh blessing, and I just totally lost it. I mean, he was accompanied by the orchestra, and they actually laid a track over it. I had to bite my lip and so forth to keep from laughing, and I only half succeeded in stifling myself.
And then, the reception, at the Walforf, naturally. First of all, you had to wait for around 20 minutes to get to the ballroom, because it was on the 18th floor and there was a long line for the elevators. As we were waiting for an elevator, this guy turned around and made some remark about the Waldorf's dress code (yep, the Waldorf has a dress code after 6 PM), and I said, "Yeah, Groucho Marx once got an invitation to a black tie affair, and he wore a black tie but nothing else. No, wait, it was Harpo who did that." And the guy looked at me like, "WTF are you, some kind of weirdo?" and just kind of ignored me. So I was all, oh well, 600 people at this ceremony, so one of them thinks I'm weird, whatever. Well, guess who sat right next to me at dinner? He turned out to be a lawyer, so forgave me for being weird and we talked shop all evening.
I'm pretty sure they spent at least $3000 on each centerpiece -- they were each the size of the Black Forest. And there were 51 tables [sic]. The band wasn't too bad, but VERY VERY VERY LOUD. The kind of loud that causes hearing damage. Luckily, I had earplugs. They also had a light show, with smoke. I swear to Christ I am not making this up.
You know the punchline, of course: the couple wound up in an acrimonious divorce two years later.
posted by holborne at 12:07 PM on May 24, 2018 [21 favorites]
First of all: 600 guests. For the ceremony, they hired an orchestra. Not a trio or something -- an honest to god chamber orchestra with a conductor. Then the ceremony itself went on for around an hour, and there was this friend of theirs who they had sing during the ceremony. He wasn't that great, but thought he was. They had him sing the seventh blessing, and I just totally lost it. I mean, he was accompanied by the orchestra, and they actually laid a track over it. I had to bite my lip and so forth to keep from laughing, and I only half succeeded in stifling myself.
And then, the reception, at the Walforf, naturally. First of all, you had to wait for around 20 minutes to get to the ballroom, because it was on the 18th floor and there was a long line for the elevators. As we were waiting for an elevator, this guy turned around and made some remark about the Waldorf's dress code (yep, the Waldorf has a dress code after 6 PM), and I said, "Yeah, Groucho Marx once got an invitation to a black tie affair, and he wore a black tie but nothing else. No, wait, it was Harpo who did that." And the guy looked at me like, "WTF are you, some kind of weirdo?" and just kind of ignored me. So I was all, oh well, 600 people at this ceremony, so one of them thinks I'm weird, whatever. Well, guess who sat right next to me at dinner? He turned out to be a lawyer, so forgave me for being weird and we talked shop all evening.
I'm pretty sure they spent at least $3000 on each centerpiece -- they were each the size of the Black Forest. And there were 51 tables [sic]. The band wasn't too bad, but VERY VERY VERY LOUD. The kind of loud that causes hearing damage. Luckily, I had earplugs. They also had a light show, with smoke. I swear to Christ I am not making this up.
You know the punchline, of course: the couple wound up in an acrimonious divorce two years later.
posted by holborne at 12:07 PM on May 24, 2018 [21 favorites]
Worst wedding I attended: Ceremony was at 1. We didn't get food till 7 (but there was booze!). The speeches went on for over an hour, and included a powerpoint slideshow that was not funny. They had hired a full band for dancing, but had a teeny tiny dance floor that wouldn't have fit more than 10% of the guests. Just a whole lot of weird decisions going on there.
I did also attend a wedding where the band was so loud that I actually had to leave because I couldn't stand it. It was like being hit with a wall of sound when you walked into the room.
posted by stillnocturnal at 12:13 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
I did also attend a wedding where the band was so loud that I actually had to leave because I couldn't stand it. It was like being hit with a wall of sound when you walked into the room.
posted by stillnocturnal at 12:13 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
Didn't realize how much of a thing this was, but then I just did a Google search: "destination wedding site:http://ask.metafilter.com." *cringes*
(One of many examples)
posted by Melismata at 12:20 PM on May 24, 2018
(One of many examples)
posted by Melismata at 12:20 PM on May 24, 2018
Aggretsuko has an episode on the financial pressures a wedding can put on a young person, even in a cash-gift society.
Aggretsuko is also awesome.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:23 PM on May 24, 2018 [9 favorites]
Aggretsuko is also awesome.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:23 PM on May 24, 2018 [9 favorites]
this is the best destination wedding askme and by best i mean the most what the actual fuck ever
posted by poffin boffin at 12:30 PM on May 24, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 12:30 PM on May 24, 2018 [6 favorites]
For the ceremony, they hired an orchestra. Not a trio or something -- an honest to god chamber orchestra with a conductor.
They had an orchestra at the ceremony where I was maid of honor. The groom was a high school orchestra teacher, and a whole passel of his current and former students got together to play the wedding. It was absotastically gorgeous.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:36 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
They had an orchestra at the ceremony where I was maid of honor. The groom was a high school orchestra teacher, and a whole passel of his current and former students got together to play the wedding. It was absotastically gorgeous.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:36 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
Have a pot-luck and put a down-payment on a fuckin' house with all of the money you've saved on everything else.
posted by tzikeh at 12:52 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by tzikeh at 12:52 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
The biggest "WTF?" moment I can recall from any wedding I ever attended was at an ex-boyfriend's college buddy's wedding when the band suddenly started playing "God Bless The USA". Seems normal enough - until you consider that no one in the bride's family was in the military or was militarily inclined. Nor was anyone in the groom's family. Nor was anyone else at the reception. In fact, no one in the bridal party had even requested that song, nor any other patriotic song whatsoever; the band just took it upon themselves to play it while we all ate our shrimp scampi or whatever, and we all sat there looking at each other in bafflement.
Two more, from my cousin's wedding - she and her husband asked the DJ to play "Paradise by The Dashboard Light", and the entire wedding party had worked out this choreographed group dance and call-and-response singing thing to it. I was watching them from the sidelines, together with a lovely couple I'd just met - two guys from the happy couple's hometown. We got halfway through it when I suddenly realized, and nudged them - "hey guys, think a minute about the lyrics - how appropriate is this song for a wedding?" They blinked, we all looked at each other, and laughed hysterically for the rest of the number.
Earlier, during the dinner: this actually was weird-but-awesome. There was a string quartet providing the music during the dinner, mostly playing classical works. But about midway through dessert, they started playing something that sounded oddly famliar - and we soon realized it was a string quartet arrangement of "Don't Stop Believin'." The entire wedding party cheered, jumped up from their table, ran over and surrounded the quartet and sang along.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:53 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
Two more, from my cousin's wedding - she and her husband asked the DJ to play "Paradise by The Dashboard Light", and the entire wedding party had worked out this choreographed group dance and call-and-response singing thing to it. I was watching them from the sidelines, together with a lovely couple I'd just met - two guys from the happy couple's hometown. We got halfway through it when I suddenly realized, and nudged them - "hey guys, think a minute about the lyrics - how appropriate is this song for a wedding?" They blinked, we all looked at each other, and laughed hysterically for the rest of the number.
Earlier, during the dinner: this actually was weird-but-awesome. There was a string quartet providing the music during the dinner, mostly playing classical works. But about midway through dessert, they started playing something that sounded oddly famliar - and we soon realized it was a string quartet arrangement of "Don't Stop Believin'." The entire wedding party cheered, jumped up from their table, ran over and surrounded the quartet and sang along.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:53 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
If the friendship is going to be damaged, it's better that it be damaged because
What if the friendship never really got off the ground and you have no idea why your exroomate would want you to be in her wedding when all you have in common is fighting about dishes but you figure it's worth it just to wear something absolutely ridiculous and be at the very heart of a nonlethal trainwreck plus eat cake? I think it's always worth it to be in a wedding. They're little pieces of theater made by people who have no idea what they're doing. They're great. My friend made me write a poem and scream it over the noise of a West Virginia waterfall once while wearing a nonsense dress with giant roses all over it (dress not her fault; I already had to get a flight to WVA in order to profane the mountains with my terrible poem and I didn't want to spend any additional money, so I wore a fleamarket find). My cousin insisted on getting married in the middle of summer in an unairconditioned Frank Lloyd Wright church in Chicago and everyone sweated off their finery and the dozens of adorable tuxedoed kids all lost their minds and wailed through the ceremony. I looooove me a wedding. Anything can happen! So many things to go wrong!
posted by Don Pepino at 1:01 PM on May 24, 2018 [19 favorites]
What if the friendship never really got off the ground and you have no idea why your exroomate would want you to be in her wedding when all you have in common is fighting about dishes but you figure it's worth it just to wear something absolutely ridiculous and be at the very heart of a nonlethal trainwreck plus eat cake? I think it's always worth it to be in a wedding. They're little pieces of theater made by people who have no idea what they're doing. They're great. My friend made me write a poem and scream it over the noise of a West Virginia waterfall once while wearing a nonsense dress with giant roses all over it (dress not her fault; I already had to get a flight to WVA in order to profane the mountains with my terrible poem and I didn't want to spend any additional money, so I wore a fleamarket find). My cousin insisted on getting married in the middle of summer in an unairconditioned Frank Lloyd Wright church in Chicago and everyone sweated off their finery and the dozens of adorable tuxedoed kids all lost their minds and wailed through the ceremony. I looooove me a wedding. Anything can happen! So many things to go wrong!
posted by Don Pepino at 1:01 PM on May 24, 2018 [19 favorites]
They had an orchestra at the ceremony where I was maid of honor. The groom was a high school orchestra teacher, and a whole passel of his current and former students got together to play the wedding. It was absotastically gorgeous.
Sure, that's different. That's actually meaningful. These people just hired some stringers because they were wealthy and wanted everyone to know it.
posted by holborne at 1:05 PM on May 24, 2018
Sure, that's different. That's actually meaningful. These people just hired some stringers because they were wealthy and wanted everyone to know it.
posted by holborne at 1:05 PM on May 24, 2018
I agree with the notion of dialing down the craziness of weddings for everyone involved for a whole host of reasons, but there's a whole 2018 click piece movement on the theme of "any inconvenience or hardship I have in my life is tied to a systemic problem" that is really getting my goat these days.
A part of life is sometimes having to express how you're feeling to others - it sucks when that conversation is hard, but sitting in silent resentment before writing a passive aggressive article they'll likely read (as every one of Aubrey's friends likely knows which weddings she's been in) is not exactly a friendship-saving move, so I don't exactly see what the point of this very 2018 approach to conflict is other than to get attention and clicks.
posted by notorious medium at 1:06 PM on May 24, 2018 [6 favorites]
A part of life is sometimes having to express how you're feeling to others - it sucks when that conversation is hard, but sitting in silent resentment before writing a passive aggressive article they'll likely read (as every one of Aubrey's friends likely knows which weddings she's been in) is not exactly a friendship-saving move, so I don't exactly see what the point of this very 2018 approach to conflict is other than to get attention and clicks.
posted by notorious medium at 1:06 PM on May 24, 2018 [6 favorites]
Has no one here been the bridesmaid in boiling water before? You know, you're 26, your friend is getting married and asks you to be a bridesmaid, and you've never really been in a wedding party before and figure you'll buy a dress and attend the bachelorette, and next thing you know you're on the hook for travel to a spa day and a bridal shower and wedding dress shopping, all on separate weekends... I was maybe naive going in, but weddings have a way of ballooning out of control, you know?
posted by sunset in snow country at 1:11 PM on May 24, 2018 [25 favorites]
posted by sunset in snow country at 1:11 PM on May 24, 2018 [25 favorites]
I got married 30+ years ago. I wanted a potluck; my family had apoplexy. We had a homegrown budget wedding and party and spent far less than most weddings that size. It's a huge cultural issue. So much status involved, tradition, expectations. I told my sisters to wear what they liked in a color range, they chose matching dresses and had a dress made for my niece out of an adult size, because they couldn't fathom not having matching dresses. And the mothers flat out refused to recognize my not changing my name.
That fantastic wedding video where everybody dances up the aisle started a trend where you have to add flair to your wedding. It's an arms race. I have been to plenty of wedding-industrial-complex events, and, fine. But way better for me are events that are personal. There's a whole lot of effort involved in convincing people they have to make a woman be a princess for a day, or that a man has to have a party with strippers, cigars and alcohol poisoning. It ca lead to some icky entitlement. There's a industry devoted to making people think they need lots of stuff for their wedding, for their house, for their baby, etc. Advertising owns us more and more. Hugs to anybody who wants to opt out.
posted by theora55 at 1:18 PM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
That fantastic wedding video where everybody dances up the aisle started a trend where you have to add flair to your wedding. It's an arms race. I have been to plenty of wedding-industrial-complex events, and, fine. But way better for me are events that are personal. There's a whole lot of effort involved in convincing people they have to make a woman be a princess for a day, or that a man has to have a party with strippers, cigars and alcohol poisoning. It ca lead to some icky entitlement. There's a industry devoted to making people think they need lots of stuff for their wedding, for their house, for their baby, etc. Advertising owns us more and more. Hugs to anybody who wants to opt out.
posted by theora55 at 1:18 PM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
cichlid ceilidh: My wife and I did this, basically. She and I made a bunch of salads (pasta, lentil, broccoli slaw, etc.), my dad grilled burgers and chicken and we got a sheet cake from the good grocery store in town. It was the best, though still a ton of work, money and emotional labor. I've also been to a bunch of really expensive weddings with 5+ groomsmen/bridesmaids that were really great and fun too. There's room for everyone's tastes if we all are considerate of each other!
However, as someone who recently bought nonrefundable plane tickets to a destination wedding that was cancelled, I agree that they can really fuck off.
posted by coreywilliam at 1:29 PM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
However, as someone who recently bought nonrefundable plane tickets to a destination wedding that was cancelled, I agree that they can really fuck off.
posted by coreywilliam at 1:29 PM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
I don't exactly see what the point of this very 2018 approach to conflict is other than to get attention and clicksWhat's wrong with getting attention? The whole point of publishing is to get people's attention on what you've written. In this case, presumably the goal is to increase awareness of the financial difficulties that certain kinds of wedding-planning behavior may exert on one's friends, and suggest alternatives. If even one well-meaning-but-oblivious soon-to-be-newlywed reads it and reconsiders their extravagant plan -- even if "reconsiders" means "decides to explicitly ask their friends how they feel about this" -- then that's the goal met.
posted by inconstant at 1:30 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
I remember someone pointed out to me once that a wedding is one of the few occasions you actually do pay a lot of individual business people instead of large corporations. The hotel we used was independently run, the photographer, the band, the officiant, the florist, the pizza truck, the print shop, the jeweler, were all individuals just trying to make a living. That money didn't just go down a pit, it went to people in my community. Sure, that money could have gone on my house payment, but instead it's going on their house payment.
None of these things are neccessaries or to everyone's taste, and potluck backyard weddings are just as lovely, but I do want to push back against the idea that you should just donate all that money to charity or your kids instead or you're somehow foolish and selfish.
posted by stillnocturnal at 1:43 PM on May 24, 2018 [14 favorites]
None of these things are neccessaries or to everyone's taste, and potluck backyard weddings are just as lovely, but I do want to push back against the idea that you should just donate all that money to charity or your kids instead or you're somehow foolish and selfish.
posted by stillnocturnal at 1:43 PM on May 24, 2018 [14 favorites]
posted by sunset in snow country: Has no one here been the bridesmaid in boiling water before? You know, you're 26, your friend is getting married and asks you to be a bridesmaid, and you've never really been in a wedding party before and figure you'll buy a dress and attend the bachelorette, and next thing you know you're on the hook for travel to a spa day and a bridal shower and wedding dress shopping, all on separate weekends... I was maybe naive going in, but weddings have a way of ballooning out of control, you know?
One of my friends is currently going through this. I tried to warn her. I did. But the bride has lost her damn mind, and once that happens, you either buckle in and go for the ride, or try to find a way to jump off the Hindenburg. It's gone from a simple backyard wedding with no pre-parties to now there have been THREE bachelorette events, none of which were her (or the other bridesmaids...all of them single moms) children welcome, so they all had to find child care. One of the events the bride wanted everyone to do involved $100 concert tickets, which my friend said she couldn't do, and so now Bridezilla isn't speaking to her.
I don't know what entitled princess gene kicks in with some people about weddings. In the aforementioned example, Bridezilla is normally a rational, loveable, and kind elementary school teacher. But I swear before all things Chantilly lace, that the closer this lovely woman gets to her Big Day (tm), the more irrational, entitled and beastly she becomes. She's been ghastly.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 1:49 PM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
One of my friends is currently going through this. I tried to warn her. I did. But the bride has lost her damn mind, and once that happens, you either buckle in and go for the ride, or try to find a way to jump off the Hindenburg. It's gone from a simple backyard wedding with no pre-parties to now there have been THREE bachelorette events, none of which were her (or the other bridesmaids...all of them single moms) children welcome, so they all had to find child care. One of the events the bride wanted everyone to do involved $100 concert tickets, which my friend said she couldn't do, and so now Bridezilla isn't speaking to her.
I don't know what entitled princess gene kicks in with some people about weddings. In the aforementioned example, Bridezilla is normally a rational, loveable, and kind elementary school teacher. But I swear before all things Chantilly lace, that the closer this lovely woman gets to her Big Day (tm), the more irrational, entitled and beastly she becomes. She's been ghastly.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 1:49 PM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
Oh, I forgot my dressmaker, who worked out of her house and had two cats and was completely lovely and so much fun to work with. And cheaper than the dresses I liked in the bridal boutiques!
posted by stillnocturnal at 1:50 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by stillnocturnal at 1:50 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
Some cultures have a wedding practice where guests give cash to the newly married couple.
This is probably better for the couple, but not necessarily any better for the guests. When we were married in Japan, my wife really wanted to avoid this. She doesn't like the practice, and had always hoped she could avoid it in her own wedding (which we did).
In theory, it balances out because you use this cash to essentially help pay for the wedding, but you will give other people money at their wedding... but of course not everyone has equal finances and not everyone gets married. She had bad experiences while in college/grad school of being invited to weddings she couldn't really afford (typical gift is in the $300-$500 range).
We were fortunate enough to be able to pay for our wedding while still saying "no cash". (Some of her older family members insisted, however, which is not surprising really).
Cash gifts are certainly more likely to be useful than registry stuff, but it basically spreads paying for the wedding out in a weird way that doesn't actually balance unless everyone gets married and everyone makes the same amount of money.
posted by thefoxgod at 1:55 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
This is probably better for the couple, but not necessarily any better for the guests. When we were married in Japan, my wife really wanted to avoid this. She doesn't like the practice, and had always hoped she could avoid it in her own wedding (which we did).
In theory, it balances out because you use this cash to essentially help pay for the wedding, but you will give other people money at their wedding... but of course not everyone has equal finances and not everyone gets married. She had bad experiences while in college/grad school of being invited to weddings she couldn't really afford (typical gift is in the $300-$500 range).
We were fortunate enough to be able to pay for our wedding while still saying "no cash". (Some of her older family members insisted, however, which is not surprising really).
Cash gifts are certainly more likely to be useful than registry stuff, but it basically spreads paying for the wedding out in a weird way that doesn't actually balance unless everyone gets married and everyone makes the same amount of money.
posted by thefoxgod at 1:55 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
Where I grew up bridesmaids' outfits were paid for by the bride and it was part of her wedding expenses. I was shocked the first time I was asked to be one overseas and it cost me money. That seems unfair especially if you're getting lumbered with a hideous outfit.
posted by lesbiassparrow at 1:57 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by lesbiassparrow at 1:57 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
When I got married, neither of the families could agree on a date or a time.
So we quietly arranged it for 11:30 on Friday the 1st of April and just told them it was all arranged, and we'd meet in the pub afterwards.
Strangely everyone thought it was a brilliant idea. We did warn the pub to expect a few people. Her father happily paid the bar bill (and food) and said it saved him several thousand pound.
That makes two important dates in my family that I have no excuse to forget. The other is my son's birthday that is the same as mine.
posted by Burn_IT at 2:02 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
So we quietly arranged it for 11:30 on Friday the 1st of April and just told them it was all arranged, and we'd meet in the pub afterwards.
Strangely everyone thought it was a brilliant idea. We did warn the pub to expect a few people. Her father happily paid the bar bill (and food) and said it saved him several thousand pound.
That makes two important dates in my family that I have no excuse to forget. The other is my son's birthday that is the same as mine.
posted by Burn_IT at 2:02 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
I would be more enthusiastic about potlucks if I had ever attended one where half of the dishes were prepared by men.
posted by Ralston McTodd at 2:06 PM on May 24, 2018 [29 favorites]
posted by Ralston McTodd at 2:06 PM on May 24, 2018 [29 favorites]
Trust me, having men do the potluck is not what it's cracked up to be.
posted by Melismata at 2:11 PM on May 24, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by Melismata at 2:11 PM on May 24, 2018 [5 favorites]
When I got married a year ago we tried to make it as easy as possible on everyone. Bridesmaids could choose any dress they wanted from any of 3 colors. Groomsmen could wear whatever suit they wanted (preferably gray). We explicitly avoided all the bachelor(ette) party shenanigans, we requested that people not bring gifts but if they felt they had to get us something, please donate to one of our preferred charities. I covered the "rehearsal" (there was no rehearsal) dinner at one of our favorite sushi places and invited all the people who were traveling in addition to the wedding party. A few nonlocal friends crashed on futons and air mattresses at our place while we got a hotel room. They watched our dogs.
The no gifts thing actually worked really well since we have a lot of crafty/artist friends. Those who knew us still made things for us, but we avoided the peril of monogrammed towels.
It ended costing a fair bit, but none of it was out of other people's pockets and I didn't go into debt for any of it. We had the venue we wanted (art gallery), food we wanted (roast pig), cake we wanted (tres leches brought in from a local bakery), the vows we wanted (literally 6 words long), and to my knowledge everyone had a great time. We wanted it to be a catered party more than a wedding, and it was.
In the end I think we walked the line between full DIY and planned event pretty well, time/moneywise. My wife who made all the paper flowers may disagree.
Not something I ever want to do again though.
posted by mikesch at 2:12 PM on May 24, 2018
The no gifts thing actually worked really well since we have a lot of crafty/artist friends. Those who knew us still made things for us, but we avoided the peril of monogrammed towels.
It ended costing a fair bit, but none of it was out of other people's pockets and I didn't go into debt for any of it. We had the venue we wanted (art gallery), food we wanted (roast pig), cake we wanted (tres leches brought in from a local bakery), the vows we wanted (literally 6 words long), and to my knowledge everyone had a great time. We wanted it to be a catered party more than a wedding, and it was.
In the end I think we walked the line between full DIY and planned event pretty well, time/moneywise. My wife who made all the paper flowers may disagree.
Not something I ever want to do again though.
posted by mikesch at 2:12 PM on May 24, 2018
All of this seems strange and foreign to me. I grew up poor. People in my extended family didn't have weddings -- they either went to the justice of the peace and simply got married without all the pomp and circumstance of a wedding, or (more commonly) they simply moved in together.
I am 43 and have only been to 3 weddings in my life, and all 3 were the cheap-backyard type of thing. And I can hardly fathom being a bridesmaid; no one has ever asked me.
All the stress over dresses and destinations and parties is so curious.
posted by Annabelle74 at 2:16 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
I am 43 and have only been to 3 weddings in my life, and all 3 were the cheap-backyard type of thing. And I can hardly fathom being a bridesmaid; no one has ever asked me.
All the stress over dresses and destinations and parties is so curious.
posted by Annabelle74 at 2:16 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
You tend to hear much more about the horror stories, I guess. I was a bridesmaid for a good friend and had a really fantastic time (and it was a destination wedding, no less!). I had a wedding party and nothing lavish was required of my bridesmaids. We're still friends to this day. Some people want a small, simple ceremony, and some people want to be able to invite their extended families and college and high school friends, etc. I was in the latter category and don't regret it at all.
posted by JenMarie at 2:34 PM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by JenMarie at 2:34 PM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
We DIY'd the wedding - I used my interview suit, my wife got the dress at a bridal store and it was a remaindered one. We paid for the flowers. My parents paid for the prosecco (instead of champagne) and the soda. The pastor of the church we got married in was a very good friend of my wife and gave us the wedding, including the small reception, as a present. The night before we went in, arranged tables and put paper on them. My wife's then-boss (whose name I can no longer say, as I now refer to him not by his given name but the mispronounciation I gave as "Dr. Villainy") gave us some hors d'eurves, and two friends of mine brought beer.
And then one of my best friends who was there, who was a Baroness in an SCA, and an experienced autocrat (which means she knows how to handle things like that) arranged the entire clean-up operation and told us to leave. We have it on good authority that the place was perfect for church the next morning.
It was the best day of my life. (We used some of the wedding money we got for a night in a nearby Residence Inn by Mariott, right next to a top-flight buffet restaurant, and when they heard we were just married, well, the hotel gave us a free room upgrade and the restaurant gave us a free bottle of (not top flight but still not bad) champagne.)
Her pre-wedding party was knitting; mine was tabletop gaming with friends.
posted by mephron at 2:39 PM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
And then one of my best friends who was there, who was a Baroness in an SCA, and an experienced autocrat (which means she knows how to handle things like that) arranged the entire clean-up operation and told us to leave. We have it on good authority that the place was perfect for church the next morning.
It was the best day of my life. (We used some of the wedding money we got for a night in a nearby Residence Inn by Mariott, right next to a top-flight buffet restaurant, and when they heard we were just married, well, the hotel gave us a free room upgrade and the restaurant gave us a free bottle of (not top flight but still not bad) champagne.)
Her pre-wedding party was knitting; mine was tabletop gaming with friends.
posted by mephron at 2:39 PM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
I was a bridesmaid in two weddings around the same time a couple of years ago. Similar women. One, I was the only attendant, bride told me to wear anything. She and I switched shoes moments before she went down the aisle because she liked mine better, ha! The other, I love her very much and don't hold it against her, but she had all of her attendants in a bridesmaid-y dress with an elaborate layered skirt that *all* of us needed to get tailored because the default dress was 900 feet long. $300 for a dress with no rewearability (super into the suggestion to donate around prom season though, that is a fantastic idea).
These are not terribly unique experiences, but I think it's worth pointing out that both are millennials. One bride was in her early 30s and had been in a dozen weddings, the other in her early 20s and had not. I think that's the big factor, knowing what it's like to be on the receiving end of those asks.
posted by everybody had matching towels at 2:39 PM on May 24, 2018 [5 favorites]
These are not terribly unique experiences, but I think it's worth pointing out that both are millennials. One bride was in her early 30s and had been in a dozen weddings, the other in her early 20s and had not. I think that's the big factor, knowing what it's like to be on the receiving end of those asks.
posted by everybody had matching towels at 2:39 PM on May 24, 2018 [5 favorites]
Has no one here been the bridesmaid in boiling water before? You know, you're 26, your friend is getting married and asks you to be a bridesmaid, and you've never really been in a wedding party before and figure you'll buy a dress and attend the bachelorette, and next thing you know you're on the hook for travel to a spa day and a bridal shower and wedding dress shopping, all on separate weekends... I was maybe naive going in, but weddings have a way of ballooning out of control, you know?
YES. I had blocked this from my memory, but actually, It Happened to Me. My understanding of a bridesmaid's obligations had been: attend bachelorette gathering if feasible, buy and wear ugly dress, help out on the day of the ceremony. I should have remembered the bridal shower, but there were a bunch of other pre-gaming parties and prep events, too! The bride (and most of the other bridesmaids) had been sorority sisters. I don't want to overgeneralize, but I think that might have accounted for some of the disconnect between my expectations and those of the bridesmaid-in-command.
Happily, they were all reasonable people and let me duck out of some events. (It was less a question of fiscal cost than emotional, for me.) I can imagine the situation being very fraught with a different group of people.
posted by grandiloquiet at 2:40 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
YES. I had blocked this from my memory, but actually, It Happened to Me. My understanding of a bridesmaid's obligations had been: attend bachelorette gathering if feasible, buy and wear ugly dress, help out on the day of the ceremony. I should have remembered the bridal shower, but there were a bunch of other pre-gaming parties and prep events, too! The bride (and most of the other bridesmaids) had been sorority sisters. I don't want to overgeneralize, but I think that might have accounted for some of the disconnect between my expectations and those of the bridesmaid-in-command.
Happily, they were all reasonable people and let me duck out of some events. (It was less a question of fiscal cost than emotional, for me.) I can imagine the situation being very fraught with a different group of people.
posted by grandiloquiet at 2:40 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
My parents got married in a trailer, and they had a great time. I plan on getting married to my girlfriend at a really crummy bar in Portland (it's one of our favs), and then the next day doing all the family stuff at Cathedral Park in St. John's. Seems pretty chill.
posted by gucci mane at 2:43 PM on May 24, 2018
posted by gucci mane at 2:43 PM on May 24, 2018
A couple of months ago, my 26 yr old son (who's been with his girlfriend for 3 years), casually mentioned that doubted he would ever get officially married because (paraphrasing) he thinks the institution is an anachronism with limited utility these days. And he has absolutely nothing good to say about the proposal/engagement ritual that includes "popping the question" and the man putting an expensive diamond ring on the woman's hand, as if to "claim" her.
The boy makes me so proud.
(Don't want to short shrift my daughter here—no doubt, she has similar feelings. There's not a conventional home in her body.)
posted by she's not there at 2:48 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
The boy makes me so proud.
(Don't want to short shrift my daughter here—no doubt, she has similar feelings. There's not a conventional home in her body.)
posted by she's not there at 2:48 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
When I have been in weddings I've been extremely fortunate to have friends who were very thoughtful towards people's economic circumstances. I am known as The Poor One so there wasn't expectations for me to travel to the bachelorette party, and one friend even covered the cost of the dress while another used Rent the Runway.
At least among people I know, it's an economic but not social division
This has been my observation as well. The more well-off couples have fancier weddings (not surprising), and if they aren't considerate then they don't realize how onerous the cost of some of the activities can be for others.
In my ideal wedding my partner and I go on a vacation by ourselves, get married on a mountain or something by ourselves, and then we go back and have a giant potluck party and everyone wears whatever the hell they want. I don't care about the ceremony, I just want the party.
posted by Anonymous at 3:02 PM on May 24, 2018
At least among people I know, it's an economic but not social division
This has been my observation as well. The more well-off couples have fancier weddings (not surprising), and if they aren't considerate then they don't realize how onerous the cost of some of the activities can be for others.
In my ideal wedding my partner and I go on a vacation by ourselves, get married on a mountain or something by ourselves, and then we go back and have a giant potluck party and everyone wears whatever the hell they want. I don't care about the ceremony, I just want the party.
posted by Anonymous at 3:02 PM on May 24, 2018
That's pretty much what we did, gosh nigh onto 22 years ago now. Well, first the wedding plans got out of control when the mothers decided we were inviting 300+ people, and we needed to do it at a country club, and we needed to invite people we'd never met, and..and...and...and. The helicopter was the last straw.
We took our budget (our money, no parental donations), grabbed my best friend, my husband's best friend, their spouses, and flew everyone to Vegas, paid for their hotel, got married in my giant cupcake dress at the Bellagio, and then spent 30 minutes finding an Elvis so I could send pictures to my mom and made her think we did an Elvis wedding. Hee. It just so happens, that because most of my friends are also The People In Black, that I didn't have to coordinate wardrobes, as I knew what the four people in attendance would be wearing.
Pro tip: If you ever want to rake in random donations of high dollar chips in Vegas, wander around in a giant princess cupcake dress and a tiara, carrying shoes and a bottle of champagne while looking for an Elvis. I'm not even kidding when I tell you I must have been given $500.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 3:20 PM on May 24, 2018 [13 favorites]
We took our budget (our money, no parental donations), grabbed my best friend, my husband's best friend, their spouses, and flew everyone to Vegas, paid for their hotel, got married in my giant cupcake dress at the Bellagio, and then spent 30 minutes finding an Elvis so I could send pictures to my mom and made her think we did an Elvis wedding. Hee. It just so happens, that because most of my friends are also The People In Black, that I didn't have to coordinate wardrobes, as I knew what the four people in attendance would be wearing.
Pro tip: If you ever want to rake in random donations of high dollar chips in Vegas, wander around in a giant princess cupcake dress and a tiara, carrying shoes and a bottle of champagne while looking for an Elvis. I'm not even kidding when I tell you I must have been given $500.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 3:20 PM on May 24, 2018 [13 favorites]
Yes, my bridesmaid experiences were all very pleasant (although I only liked one of the dresses, but they were all affordable and not offensive/ugly, just not my thing -- also in the last wedding I was a bridesmaid I was the 37-year-old MATRON of honor who'd had multiple children and the other maids were all 20-something nulliparus college friends of the bride, and also all freakishly tall, so those are not my favorite pictures ever (I am Lena Dunham hanging with Taylor Swift's squad, basically) but the day was fun!).
But oh my god, the insane escalation. It's pretty standard for bigger weddings these days to have two or three showers -- usually one where the couple lives now and one in the hometown of whomever lives far away (and maybe another one if they both live far from home!) -- plus a long-weekend bachelorette. And that's fine as long as the bride is like, "Yeah, come to what you can, otherwise don't worry about it." But a lot of brides expect the bridesmaids at all showers, to plan and pay for the bachelorette which lasts a whole long weekend in a big (expensive) city, then to come for the wedding weekend -- my sister has been in weddings where she literally didn't have enough vacation days to cover everything the bride wanted her to come to. And then thoughtful brides who select bridesmaid dresses do it from national brands (not necessarily David's Bridal, but a lot of higher-end bridesmaid brands are carried at independent bridal shops nationwide) where you can go to a local bridal store and order your dress. But some brides decide on something so super-special it can only be acquired locally so they expect the bridesmaids to fly in to buy dresses! And some want the bridesmaids -- or at least the maid of honor -- to drop everything to go dress shopping. Which, again, is fine and fun as long as you're not giving up all your vacation days to someone else's wedding and if you live local to the bride. Which I suspect is at least one culprit in these escalating expectations -- young people moving so far from home after finishing school, and far from their friends, and wanting to share their wedding with their family and friends but nobody's local. But OH MY GOD some people just completely lose all perspective.
Anyway I've watched the escalation in bridesmaiding over the last 20 years since I first entered The Wedding Age and I feel lucky to have aged out of the age of Big First Weddings so nobody will ask me to bridesmaid anymore. (Most recently I got asked to officiate! That rocked!) I enjoyed doing it for the people I did it for, but I totally feel like I escaped by the skin of my teeth by being just a little too old for the current level of wedding crazy, and by having nice friends (who didn't lose their damn minds)!
(Also in my experience people often pick destination weddings when they have an awkward family situation where they want close relatives NOT to come, but they can't just not invite them (sometimes the bride & groom, or one parent, is secretly bankrolling the A-list invitees). I never feel bad about turning those down -- they're either on-purpose doing it to limit their guest list, or they're fucking insane. In either case, I don't feel bad!)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:21 PM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
But oh my god, the insane escalation. It's pretty standard for bigger weddings these days to have two or three showers -- usually one where the couple lives now and one in the hometown of whomever lives far away (and maybe another one if they both live far from home!) -- plus a long-weekend bachelorette. And that's fine as long as the bride is like, "Yeah, come to what you can, otherwise don't worry about it." But a lot of brides expect the bridesmaids at all showers, to plan and pay for the bachelorette which lasts a whole long weekend in a big (expensive) city, then to come for the wedding weekend -- my sister has been in weddings where she literally didn't have enough vacation days to cover everything the bride wanted her to come to. And then thoughtful brides who select bridesmaid dresses do it from national brands (not necessarily David's Bridal, but a lot of higher-end bridesmaid brands are carried at independent bridal shops nationwide) where you can go to a local bridal store and order your dress. But some brides decide on something so super-special it can only be acquired locally so they expect the bridesmaids to fly in to buy dresses! And some want the bridesmaids -- or at least the maid of honor -- to drop everything to go dress shopping. Which, again, is fine and fun as long as you're not giving up all your vacation days to someone else's wedding and if you live local to the bride. Which I suspect is at least one culprit in these escalating expectations -- young people moving so far from home after finishing school, and far from their friends, and wanting to share their wedding with their family and friends but nobody's local. But OH MY GOD some people just completely lose all perspective.
Anyway I've watched the escalation in bridesmaiding over the last 20 years since I first entered The Wedding Age and I feel lucky to have aged out of the age of Big First Weddings so nobody will ask me to bridesmaid anymore. (Most recently I got asked to officiate! That rocked!) I enjoyed doing it for the people I did it for, but I totally feel like I escaped by the skin of my teeth by being just a little too old for the current level of wedding crazy, and by having nice friends (who didn't lose their damn minds)!
(Also in my experience people often pick destination weddings when they have an awkward family situation where they want close relatives NOT to come, but they can't just not invite them (sometimes the bride & groom, or one parent, is secretly bankrolling the A-list invitees). I never feel bad about turning those down -- they're either on-purpose doing it to limit their guest list, or they're fucking insane. In either case, I don't feel bad!)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:21 PM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
I have been really lucky that the (mentally counts on my fingers) three times I have been in a wedding, in any sense of the word, it's been very easy and casual. One time the bride asked me if I had a dress in a particular color and had me send her a picture of it three weeks ahead of time (I was actually her husband's "best woman"), one time my hippie best friend just said "where what you want," and one time it was a City Hall wedding, I was a witness, and no one said anything to me about what I was wearing beforehand (which was honestly its own kind of pressure!).
My social group/class is non-profit workers/writers/academics/policy wonks, so there's sort of a strong social pressure AGAINST big fancy weddings unless there's family dynamics or culture involved (like my friend who eloped with her Serbian-American husband, whose parents insisted on throwing a post-wedding party with 600 people), so I've always been sort of fascinated by the "wedding industrial complex."
However, I just heard a really interesting episode of the podcast "Call Your Girlfriend" about wedding culture, especially for women, which was fascinating and covered a lot of what is being talked about here. Aminatou Sow made a really good point, which is that, for a lot of young women, there's so much pressure to have this amazing wedding, and to have your friends do all this stuff for you, because it's one of the only times they get that sort of public affirmation and approval from their families and general community. Which really puts a lot of this in perspective. Of course, that begs the question of why that is, and what if young women (or young people in general) got celebrated more for doing really well at work, or finishing school, or being a great community member, or all the other ways they contribute to the world?
(And destination weddings can fuck right off -- unless you and your family and/or friends have wanted to go some place, have a destination honeymoon, and keep the wedding stuff somewhere everyone can travel to with relative ease.)
The aforementioned hippie best friend had her wedding in Puerto Rico because both she and her husband have enormous and somewhat difficult families. They were paying for this mostly on their own, and they literally couldn't afford a state-side wedding that would satisfy both sides of the family. So they made it clear wedding attendance was optional, had a big party in their town for people who couldn't go to PR, and had a nice small "family and close friends" wedding in PR. They also invited their friends along to their honeymoon after the wedding, so we'd actually get to hang out with them. It was lovely.
posted by lunasol at 3:22 PM on May 24, 2018 [9 favorites]
My social group/class is non-profit workers/writers/academics/policy wonks, so there's sort of a strong social pressure AGAINST big fancy weddings unless there's family dynamics or culture involved (like my friend who eloped with her Serbian-American husband, whose parents insisted on throwing a post-wedding party with 600 people), so I've always been sort of fascinated by the "wedding industrial complex."
However, I just heard a really interesting episode of the podcast "Call Your Girlfriend" about wedding culture, especially for women, which was fascinating and covered a lot of what is being talked about here. Aminatou Sow made a really good point, which is that, for a lot of young women, there's so much pressure to have this amazing wedding, and to have your friends do all this stuff for you, because it's one of the only times they get that sort of public affirmation and approval from their families and general community. Which really puts a lot of this in perspective. Of course, that begs the question of why that is, and what if young women (or young people in general) got celebrated more for doing really well at work, or finishing school, or being a great community member, or all the other ways they contribute to the world?
(And destination weddings can fuck right off -- unless you and your family and/or friends have wanted to go some place, have a destination honeymoon, and keep the wedding stuff somewhere everyone can travel to with relative ease.)
The aforementioned hippie best friend had her wedding in Puerto Rico because both she and her husband have enormous and somewhat difficult families. They were paying for this mostly on their own, and they literally couldn't afford a state-side wedding that would satisfy both sides of the family. So they made it clear wedding attendance was optional, had a big party in their town for people who couldn't go to PR, and had a nice small "family and close friends" wedding in PR. They also invited their friends along to their honeymoon after the wedding, so we'd actually get to hang out with them. It was lovely.
posted by lunasol at 3:22 PM on May 24, 2018 [9 favorites]
I don't know what entitled princess gene kicks in with some people about weddings.
I think it's the whole "celebrating our luuuuuuuuv" element that makes people go a little unhinged. You know how you're all goofy and giddy and shmooopy and happy at the very beginning of your relationship, where you can't stop talking about how fantastic your schnookums is, and everyone's secretly wishing you'd shut up because oh my god boring, and then you settle down a little as the relationship hits a routine? Preparing for a wedding might be like a return to that excitement of the early days, because now you're going to be getting married omigod this is exciting, only instead of wishing you'd shut up, everyone is encouraging you. Not only that - your whole family is in on it, and all your friends, and so is your schnookum's family...it gets crazy, yeah, but the root of all the crazy is still that same fizzy "omigod my schnookums is so great!"
I think what helps is if the couple at the center of things is well grounded. My BFF's family also started to get a little unhinged about things, and the casual backyard barbecue she planned where everyone could wear what they wanted turned into a more traditional "bridesmaids in matching dresses" thing; but she used me as a sanity check; there was one breathless phone call she placed to me at 11:30 one night, where she desperately said she had to talk to me right away - and when I asked what was wrong, she wailed "I just got into a fight with my mother about what stamps to put on the invitations, I need to calm the fuck down!!!!"
My brother's wedding was a pretty elaborate all-weekend affair, with a rehearsal dinner and a pre-wedding breakfast and a day-after brunch and teas and things. But they aren't anything that my sister-in-law insisted on - she just comes from a very large family that has a lot of money, and this is how her mother dealt with the offers of assistance that various cousins and great-aunts and uncles and what-not were offering, was that "how about you throw your own little party for everyone the night before instead?" And my S-I-L is really grounded and easygoing, and so is her immediate family, and so what could have been a whole overblown fairytale princess thing instead felt more like a really excellent party thrown by a whole bunch of people who loved the bride and groom and all really dug each other too. (We also learned that the father of the bride was one heeeelllll of a dancer when he brought my Mom out onto the floor during a 15-minute swing dance medley the band struck up; it literally was one of those moments where a couple is dancing on the floor and everyone else stops and gathers in a circle around them to watch.)
....Incidentally - as far as Roles In A Wedding go, I heartily recommend the role of Sister Of The Groom. It's "official" enough that you are quasi VIP status, but odds are you're not a full-on bridesmaid and instead are just an usher or you maybe do a reading or something; you're encouraged to be on hand during the couple days before the wedding, but while the rest of your family is fretting about logistics, you don't have to do jack shit except turn up at the ceremony and do your thing. We all turned up at the venue two days before the wedding and my parents and brother had all these logistical things to do; meanwhile I slept late, lounged by a pool and visited an alpaca farm.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:43 PM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
I think it's the whole "celebrating our luuuuuuuuv" element that makes people go a little unhinged. You know how you're all goofy and giddy and shmooopy and happy at the very beginning of your relationship, where you can't stop talking about how fantastic your schnookums is, and everyone's secretly wishing you'd shut up because oh my god boring, and then you settle down a little as the relationship hits a routine? Preparing for a wedding might be like a return to that excitement of the early days, because now you're going to be getting married omigod this is exciting, only instead of wishing you'd shut up, everyone is encouraging you. Not only that - your whole family is in on it, and all your friends, and so is your schnookum's family...it gets crazy, yeah, but the root of all the crazy is still that same fizzy "omigod my schnookums is so great!"
I think what helps is if the couple at the center of things is well grounded. My BFF's family also started to get a little unhinged about things, and the casual backyard barbecue she planned where everyone could wear what they wanted turned into a more traditional "bridesmaids in matching dresses" thing; but she used me as a sanity check; there was one breathless phone call she placed to me at 11:30 one night, where she desperately said she had to talk to me right away - and when I asked what was wrong, she wailed "I just got into a fight with my mother about what stamps to put on the invitations, I need to calm the fuck down!!!!"
My brother's wedding was a pretty elaborate all-weekend affair, with a rehearsal dinner and a pre-wedding breakfast and a day-after brunch and teas and things. But they aren't anything that my sister-in-law insisted on - she just comes from a very large family that has a lot of money, and this is how her mother dealt with the offers of assistance that various cousins and great-aunts and uncles and what-not were offering, was that "how about you throw your own little party for everyone the night before instead?" And my S-I-L is really grounded and easygoing, and so is her immediate family, and so what could have been a whole overblown fairytale princess thing instead felt more like a really excellent party thrown by a whole bunch of people who loved the bride and groom and all really dug each other too. (We also learned that the father of the bride was one heeeelllll of a dancer when he brought my Mom out onto the floor during a 15-minute swing dance medley the band struck up; it literally was one of those moments where a couple is dancing on the floor and everyone else stops and gathers in a circle around them to watch.)
....Incidentally - as far as Roles In A Wedding go, I heartily recommend the role of Sister Of The Groom. It's "official" enough that you are quasi VIP status, but odds are you're not a full-on bridesmaid and instead are just an usher or you maybe do a reading or something; you're encouraged to be on hand during the couple days before the wedding, but while the rest of your family is fretting about logistics, you don't have to do jack shit except turn up at the ceremony and do your thing. We all turned up at the venue two days before the wedding and my parents and brother had all these logistical things to do; meanwhile I slept late, lounged by a pool and visited an alpaca farm.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:43 PM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
Just got married 4 days ago. It was kind of a destination wedding, at a beach 2 hours from Philly. For the people that flew in from far away, we rented out a huge rich person's house and put them up for 4 days to make it worth the travel and bought them all their food and booze. It was a blast and folks seemed to be satisfied with the arrangement.
posted by lazaruslong at 3:45 PM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by lazaruslong at 3:45 PM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
Well if this is the thread where we all point out our Wedding Virtues I and Mr. Hypatia did have the small, intimate wedding at a manageable cost*, in a high-cost area. Our families differ greatly in financial circumstances but neither are prone to display.
I got endless shit about how my wedding wasn't good enough because it didn't have This or That. My coworkers (who weren't invited, sorry! we couldn't fit you and I didn't like most of you!) would ask "oh but what are you doing for This Expensive Thing or That Tacky Ceremony Bit?" Our families put their feet down and insisted:
No, we couldn't get married at City Hall; we had to have a ceremony. No, we couldn't get married at those venues, we had to get married at an appropriate place. (Finally, social privilege paid off when a relative pulled strings to get us a cheap chapel!)
No, we couldn't rent a back room at a bar for the reception. No, we couldn't just feed people tea and cake, we had to feed them a meal.
So we added all those things, and cut our guest list down to an amount we could afford. During the planning process we still heard "Oh but you'll do X" or "of course don't you want to have X".
I told our nondenominational People of Honor to wear "whatever you fucking want, here is each other's contact info so you don't clash." I told our Brothers of Ushering "Wear a shirt with a collar and a provided flower. Add a jacket if you want to." My mother then literally cried because we didn't have "Wedding Colors" so what was she going to wear ("Whatever you want mom, you'll look great" "BUT WE WON'T LOOK LIKE A GROUP WE WON'T LOOK LIKE WE'RE IN THE WEDDING" "Everyone knows who you are mom, they know why you're here!")
I want to point out that our wedding was not Backyard Casual, it was Low-Key, but it had Church, Flowers, Fancy Dresses, Organist, Attendants, Professional Photographer, Sit-Down Lunch at a Fancy Restaurant, Professional Cake and freely flowing Crémant de Bourgogne. ("What's your Theme?" the photographer asked. "The theme is 'Wedding'," replied Mr. Hypatia.) This was as Fancy of a wedding as my parents and one set of our grandparents had, and much Fancier than all the other grandparents and Mr. Hypatia's folks -- a wedding of dreams for most 20th century Americans -- and still! still! the endless shit we got.
Our photographer asked if she should stay for the reception. "The reception will be people chewing." I said. She came; "You were right, it really is just a meal," she said. "Can I take pictures of your shoes. Your shoes and your bridesmaids' shoes." "I've seen your work and it's lovely," I said, "but we really didn't buy tons of items so that you could photograph them." "Give me your rings," she said, and arranged them on a moss Thing that the restaurant provided, and shot them in extreme close up like they were the One Ring of Power.
*To us, at least; people did have to travel because for some reason there are no jobs where I grew up.
posted by Hypatia at 3:55 PM on May 24, 2018 [8 favorites]
I got endless shit about how my wedding wasn't good enough because it didn't have This or That. My coworkers (who weren't invited, sorry! we couldn't fit you and I didn't like most of you!) would ask "oh but what are you doing for This Expensive Thing or That Tacky Ceremony Bit?" Our families put their feet down and insisted:
No, we couldn't get married at City Hall; we had to have a ceremony. No, we couldn't get married at those venues, we had to get married at an appropriate place. (Finally, social privilege paid off when a relative pulled strings to get us a cheap chapel!)
No, we couldn't rent a back room at a bar for the reception. No, we couldn't just feed people tea and cake, we had to feed them a meal.
So we added all those things, and cut our guest list down to an amount we could afford. During the planning process we still heard "Oh but you'll do X" or "of course don't you want to have X".
I told our nondenominational People of Honor to wear "whatever you fucking want, here is each other's contact info so you don't clash." I told our Brothers of Ushering "Wear a shirt with a collar and a provided flower. Add a jacket if you want to." My mother then literally cried because we didn't have "Wedding Colors" so what was she going to wear ("Whatever you want mom, you'll look great" "BUT WE WON'T LOOK LIKE A GROUP WE WON'T LOOK LIKE WE'RE IN THE WEDDING" "Everyone knows who you are mom, they know why you're here!")
I want to point out that our wedding was not Backyard Casual, it was Low-Key, but it had Church, Flowers, Fancy Dresses, Organist, Attendants, Professional Photographer, Sit-Down Lunch at a Fancy Restaurant, Professional Cake and freely flowing Crémant de Bourgogne. ("What's your Theme?" the photographer asked. "The theme is 'Wedding'," replied Mr. Hypatia.) This was as Fancy of a wedding as my parents and one set of our grandparents had, and much Fancier than all the other grandparents and Mr. Hypatia's folks -- a wedding of dreams for most 20th century Americans -- and still! still! the endless shit we got.
Our photographer asked if she should stay for the reception. "The reception will be people chewing." I said. She came; "You were right, it really is just a meal," she said. "Can I take pictures of your shoes. Your shoes and your bridesmaids' shoes." "I've seen your work and it's lovely," I said, "but we really didn't buy tons of items so that you could photograph them." "Give me your rings," she said, and arranged them on a moss Thing that the restaurant provided, and shot them in extreme close up like they were the One Ring of Power.
*To us, at least; people did have to travel because for some reason there are no jobs where I grew up.
posted by Hypatia at 3:55 PM on May 24, 2018 [8 favorites]
griphus, totally fair point. And I'll check my privilege and admit that a lot of folks in my family can afford it. But we also had to consider her family. And we took the time to go around to all my aunts and uncles and discuss it with them before we made the decision. Happily, we got a near unanimous response of "Well that's a good excuse to go to France!"
As for my friends and cousins, we're going to have a big party state side, where catering and rental prices go down by a half or two thirds if it's not a wedding or reception. Because reasons.
posted by es_de_bah at 5:11 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
As for my friends and cousins, we're going to have a big party state side, where catering and rental prices go down by a half or two thirds if it's not a wedding or reception. Because reasons.
posted by es_de_bah at 5:11 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
I don't have a wedding anytime soon but I'm pretty sure at least one celebration is going to be family funded because that's just How They Are. It's going to be a big deal because I'm the last female holdout in my family tree, but also the fact that it'll likely be a gay wedding will throw a whole bunch of spanners.
I do want the traditional Bangladeshi structure because all the stuff that bachelorette parties or rehearsal dinners serve a function for are baked into this structure (I particularly want the henna ceremony which also serves as a way for the women in the family to bond and share marriage tips). Also FOOD. The structure doesn't really tend to allow for bridesmaids, but I will want some best friends to help be the Sanity Keeper as it were.
posted by divabat at 6:21 PM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
I do want the traditional Bangladeshi structure because all the stuff that bachelorette parties or rehearsal dinners serve a function for are baked into this structure (I particularly want the henna ceremony which also serves as a way for the women in the family to bond and share marriage tips). Also FOOD. The structure doesn't really tend to allow for bridesmaids, but I will want some best friends to help be the Sanity Keeper as it were.
posted by divabat at 6:21 PM on May 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
My friend made her bridesmaids wear dark green velvet dresses in California (a warm part) in July. I think that was the only real horror I've personally experienced at wedding.
My own wedding last year was for me a perfect mix of low key casual and having professional's handle the details. (I highly recommend Elephant's Deli's Garden Room if you are getting married in Portland. The room is pretty and the food is delicious.) I DIYed my first wedding and I did not want to do that again!
posted by vespabelle at 6:35 PM on May 24, 2018
My own wedding last year was for me a perfect mix of low key casual and having professional's handle the details. (I highly recommend Elephant's Deli's Garden Room if you are getting married in Portland. The room is pretty and the food is delicious.) I DIYed my first wedding and I did not want to do that again!
posted by vespabelle at 6:35 PM on May 24, 2018
Sure, that's different. That's actually meaningful. These people just hired some stringers because they were wealthy and wanted everyone to know it.
Isn't it possible they liked the sound of orchestral music?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:49 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
Isn't it possible they liked the sound of orchestral music?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:49 PM on May 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
If the friendship is going to be damaged, it's better that it be damaged because
What if the friendship never really got off the ground and you have no idea why your exroomate would want you to be in her wedding when all you have in common is fighting about dishes but you figure it's worth it just to wear something absolutely ridiculous and be at the very heart of a nonlethal trainwreck plus eat cake?
That's my point exactly - you're choosing to do something you want to do, you could get our of it if you didn't, and the worst that would happen if you didn't wouldn't be that bad.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:56 PM on May 24, 2018
What if the friendship never really got off the ground and you have no idea why your exroomate would want you to be in her wedding when all you have in common is fighting about dishes but you figure it's worth it just to wear something absolutely ridiculous and be at the very heart of a nonlethal trainwreck plus eat cake?
That's my point exactly - you're choosing to do something you want to do, you could get our of it if you didn't, and the worst that would happen if you didn't wouldn't be that bad.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:56 PM on May 24, 2018
Went to a wedding where it was a themed costume party, and each table came with Nerf wepons. The reception was basically a huge game.
Best wedding I've attended .
posted by AlexiaSky at 7:14 PM on May 24, 2018 [8 favorites]
Best wedding I've attended .
posted by AlexiaSky at 7:14 PM on May 24, 2018 [8 favorites]
Destination weddings are fantastic because there's a built-in excuse for declining the invitation. I can also feel okay about giving a smaller gift because no one is feeding or entertaining me. Would that everyone had a destination wedding, and I never had to attend one!
posted by gladly at 7:24 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by gladly at 7:24 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
It is worth noting that the totally matchy-matchy bridesmaid dresses are a roughly mid-20th-century development. If you look at older etiquette manuals, you can see them decrying the very idea, "as if your bridesmaids were Rockettes!"
posted by praemunire at 7:36 PM on May 24, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 7:36 PM on May 24, 2018 [7 favorites]
My friend made her bridesmaids wear dark green velvet dresses in California (a warm part) in July. I think that was the only real horror I've personally experienced at wedding.
Twenty years ago a university classmate of mine told me she'd been to an August wedding where all the bridesmaids were wearing green suede strapless dresses with matching bolero jackets. It was a broiling hot day and those poor girls were clearly all dying, but they couldn't even take the jackets off because they were sweating so much that the dye in the suede had run and dyed their arms and shoulders green.
posted by orange swan at 9:55 PM on May 24, 2018 [8 favorites]
Twenty years ago a university classmate of mine told me she'd been to an August wedding where all the bridesmaids were wearing green suede strapless dresses with matching bolero jackets. It was a broiling hot day and those poor girls were clearly all dying, but they couldn't even take the jackets off because they were sweating so much that the dye in the suede had run and dyed their arms and shoulders green.
posted by orange swan at 9:55 PM on May 24, 2018 [8 favorites]
Isn't it possible they liked the sound of orchestral music?
Yes, sure it is. So what? I like opera, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be ostentatious and ridiculous overkill to hire a full opera chorus with a conductor to sing “Hallelujah” at my wedding. I mean, it’s also possible they liked Cirque de Soleil so that’s why they had an actual light show with smoke effects, but that doesn’t make the excess any less wretched.
posted by holborne at 9:59 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
Yes, sure it is. So what? I like opera, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be ostentatious and ridiculous overkill to hire a full opera chorus with a conductor to sing “Hallelujah” at my wedding. I mean, it’s also possible they liked Cirque de Soleil so that’s why they had an actual light show with smoke effects, but that doesn’t make the excess any less wretched.
posted by holborne at 9:59 PM on May 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
Last time I was a bridesmaid, the bride said, wear something blue. I have worn that dress for other things.
Ditto! Other than the hotel room and the long drive, that's all I had to shell out. Laid back brides are awesome. Also we got to play with Minecraft swords in the wedding pictures (it was a Minecraft wedding).
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:24 PM on May 24, 2018
Ditto! Other than the hotel room and the long drive, that's all I had to shell out. Laid back brides are awesome. Also we got to play with Minecraft swords in the wedding pictures (it was a Minecraft wedding).
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:24 PM on May 24, 2018
There's nothing inappropriate about either an orchestra or a choir at a wedding. I've sung in one of the latter. (We did William Walton's setting of "Set Me As a Seal Upon Thy Heart.") There was one at the music teachers' wedding, as well. Maybe it seems strange to you because you've only been to more casual weddings?
Just because it's something you don't like, don't have a lot of experience with, and wouldn't have for your own event is no reason to assume that other people employ them for all the wrong reasons.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:28 PM on May 24, 2018 [5 favorites]
Just because it's something you don't like, don't have a lot of experience with, and wouldn't have for your own event is no reason to assume that other people employ them for all the wrong reasons.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:28 PM on May 24, 2018 [5 favorites]
yo Greg Nog officiated my wedding in a kilt and we had barbecue in a public park, AMA
posted by invitapriore at 11:00 PM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by invitapriore at 11:00 PM on May 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
The only wedding I've been part of was my mom's in 2002. She sent me and my sister both to David's with only a required color. We had very different dresses but they still were part of the theme.
I've never been anywhere close to marriage, but my ideal has always been something small either inside or outside of San Francisco City Hall with a taco truck, copious amounts of beer and Me First and the Gimme Gimmes.
posted by bendy at 11:49 PM on May 24, 2018
I've never been anywhere close to marriage, but my ideal has always been something small either inside or outside of San Francisco City Hall with a taco truck, copious amounts of beer and Me First and the Gimme Gimmes.
posted by bendy at 11:49 PM on May 24, 2018
Went to a wedding where it was a themed costume party, and each table came with Nerf wepons.
So, I have never been interested in the whole marriage thing, but I like parties so I think I'm going to throw myself a big-ass costume party for my 50th birthday, and I am totally stealing the nerf weapons idea, that sounds like a blast!
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:55 AM on May 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
So, I have never been interested in the whole marriage thing, but I like parties so I think I'm going to throw myself a big-ass costume party for my 50th birthday, and I am totally stealing the nerf weapons idea, that sounds like a blast!
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:55 AM on May 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
I hate parties, and I've invariably been low-income so the social pressures to have / of big weddings confuse me. I'd so much rather spend the money on something else. I'm not saying people are wrong, for wanting whatever the fuck they want, but remember Listerine started the whole "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" to shame women into using mouthwash. Advertising is the scourge of our time. Laura Ingalls Wilder wedding (in the 1880s I think) involved her wearing her best dress (black and her mum was slightly horrified - married in black, wish yourself back - but realised the good sense of it), a ceremony with just her parents (I think) her groom, and the preacher and his wife, a meal afterwards (enough is as good as a feast) and then she went to her new (tiny) home that her husband Alonzo had built for her, with a basket of preserved goods her mother gave her to start her pantry. That marriage lasted until death did them part (but I guess that had nothing to do with the wedding, more to do with the cultural mores of the time). Anyway, it seemed a million times less stressful than any wedding I've been to as a guest or seen on TV.
posted by b33j at 2:28 AM on May 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by b33j at 2:28 AM on May 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
I don't know why, but the fact that the commenters on that article are LOSING THEIR SHIT defending their own choices to have wedding parties is making me chuckle. Who cares what this essay says? Clearly it has struck many nerves.
(okay, I had no attendants at my wedding because I had a crazy sister who wanted to make it All About Her. Which she tried anyway by having a tantrum during the photos. but it did streamline things not to have to worry about bridesmaids and groomsmen, tremendously.)
I do know the Metafilter Way seems to be doing things as cheap as free, which is awesome. But I have have been to some OTT weddings which can be fun in a different way. As long as it isn't my money!
posted by 41swans at 4:26 AM on May 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
(okay, I had no attendants at my wedding because I had a crazy sister who wanted to make it All About Her. Which she tried anyway by having a tantrum during the photos. but it did streamline things not to have to worry about bridesmaids and groomsmen, tremendously.)
I do know the Metafilter Way seems to be doing things as cheap as free, which is awesome. But I have have been to some OTT weddings which can be fun in a different way. As long as it isn't my money!
posted by 41swans at 4:26 AM on May 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
I always wanted to get married wearing a long train (don't care about the dress) with loads of kittens pouncing on it as I walked down the aisle.
Once I got past age ten and realised this was impractical I lost interest in weddings.
Since I'm legally my cats' owner (when doing my will my lawyer confirmed I could not consider them dependents lol) there is no need for marriage. My sisters wedding was lovely, my dads was super stressful and my friends are either married or spinster cat ladies and with any luck I won't have to go to another anytime soon.
posted by kitten magic at 5:05 AM on May 25, 2018 [8 favorites]
Once I got past age ten and realised this was impractical I lost interest in weddings.
Since I'm legally my cats' owner (when doing my will my lawyer confirmed I could not consider them dependents lol) there is no need for marriage. My sisters wedding was lovely, my dads was super stressful and my friends are either married or spinster cat ladies and with any luck I won't have to go to another anytime soon.
posted by kitten magic at 5:05 AM on May 25, 2018 [8 favorites]
Maybe it seems strange to you because you've only been to more casual weddings?
Hahahahahaha, I've only been to more casual weddings. Yeah no. The reason it seems strange to me it that I've been to at least half a dozen weddings where people spend a quarter of a million dollars and every time I see it I roll my eyes and curse late capitalism, and this one was actually worse than most. That's why it seemed strange.
I've sung in choruses at weddings because the bride, who was a cantor, wanted her singer friends to sing at her wedding, and it was lovely. This wasn't that. It had nothing to do with "liking orchestral music" or what have you; it was about showing the world how much dough they had.
I'm curious -- have you been to a lot of weddings with 600 guests and light shows?
posted by holborne at 8:15 AM on May 25, 2018
Hahahahahaha, I've only been to more casual weddings. Yeah no. The reason it seems strange to me it that I've been to at least half a dozen weddings where people spend a quarter of a million dollars and every time I see it I roll my eyes and curse late capitalism, and this one was actually worse than most. That's why it seemed strange.
I've sung in choruses at weddings because the bride, who was a cantor, wanted her singer friends to sing at her wedding, and it was lovely. This wasn't that. It had nothing to do with "liking orchestral music" or what have you; it was about showing the world how much dough they had.
I'm curious -- have you been to a lot of weddings with 600 guests and light shows?
posted by holborne at 8:15 AM on May 25, 2018
have you been to a lot of weddings with 600 guests
No, but I actually did have 600 people I /wish/ I could have invited to my wedding and could not afford to and it made me really sad. I have a really big family and a ton of high school and organizing and military friends that I have stayed in close contact with throughout the years and I agonized over having to tell people “no you can’t come to my wedding we are keeping it small” for no other reason but that I could not afford to feed that many people.
posted by corb at 8:28 AM on May 25, 2018 [5 favorites]
No, but I actually did have 600 people I /wish/ I could have invited to my wedding and could not afford to and it made me really sad. I have a really big family and a ton of high school and organizing and military friends that I have stayed in close contact with throughout the years and I agonized over having to tell people “no you can’t come to my wedding we are keeping it small” for no other reason but that I could not afford to feed that many people.
posted by corb at 8:28 AM on May 25, 2018 [5 favorites]
I always wanted to get married wearing a long train (don't care about the dress) with loads of kittens pouncing on it as I walked down the aisle.
Now I want to go to this wedding. You could do this: you could have a very small ceremony at a local shelter with one of those "pet the kittins" rooms, wear shorts and a T-shirt and an acre of tulle on your head and let the kitties go to town! A+++! Would shell out to be a bridesmaid in this wedding.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:42 AM on May 25, 2018 [9 favorites]
Now I want to go to this wedding. You could do this: you could have a very small ceremony at a local shelter with one of those "pet the kittins" rooms, wear shorts and a T-shirt and an acre of tulle on your head and let the kitties go to town! A+++! Would shell out to be a bridesmaid in this wedding.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:42 AM on May 25, 2018 [9 favorites]
I have very fond memories of a small wedding I attended, held in a public park. The bridal couple flew in from overseas to return to the place they had met (and at the same time were trying to avoid the tremendous wedding costs and obligations of the country in which they were living). Lovely short ceremony and then the wedding limo whisked both sets of parents to the hotel where the wedding luncheon was to be held. It was intended for the limo to return and pick up the bride and groom and the bride's brother but it got stuck in traffic. Well, it started to spit rain and there was a bus stop nearby with a bus approaching and we ran for it. Turns out, brides in full regalia get to ride free, the other passengers offered their congratulations and we assured her that riding the bus in a wedding gown was an American Tradition.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 8:48 AM on May 25, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by TWinbrook8 at 8:48 AM on May 25, 2018 [5 favorites]
Next up: Destination Divorces!
posted by Celsius1414 at 8:58 AM on May 25, 2018
posted by Celsius1414 at 8:58 AM on May 25, 2018
Las Vegas has you covered for destination weddings and destination divorces.
posted by mmascolino at 9:07 AM on May 25, 2018
posted by mmascolino at 9:07 AM on May 25, 2018
The reason it seems strange to me it that I've been to at least half a dozen weddings where people spend a quarter of a million dollars and every time I see it I roll my eyes and curse late capitalism, and this one was actually worse than most.
You don't seem to like or respect some of your friends very much. Why are you continuing to accept their very expensive hospitality?
Destination divorces are historically, in the U.S., totally a thing! Have none of you seen The Women?
posted by praemunire at 10:26 AM on May 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
You don't seem to like or respect some of your friends very much. Why are you continuing to accept their very expensive hospitality?
Destination divorces are historically, in the U.S., totally a thing! Have none of you seen The Women?
posted by praemunire at 10:26 AM on May 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
I find it interesting that some of the large wedding parties are being blamed on younger brides, because they don't yet know the difficulty of their request. I got married young and didn't have any wedding party, mostly because I didn't know that was a thing at all and no one mentioned I might want one. Our families were actually a little too respectful of our plans and my groom and I probably could have done with a little gentle questioning of whether we wanted some things or were intentionally leaving them out.
I think the other thing to remember, in all this worry about wedding costs, is that you are celebrating with your family and friends. You like these people and want them to be comfortable and enjoy themselves. If you can afford to feed them a nice dinner or have a band for dancing, and that's how you want to spend your time with them, why wouldn't you want to? The weddings I've been to that had those things were nice, as was the one with multiple days of activities (Indian-American, and yes, it was worth flying in early to get to go to the mehndi ceremony).
posted by Margalo Epps at 10:43 AM on May 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
I think the other thing to remember, in all this worry about wedding costs, is that you are celebrating with your family and friends. You like these people and want them to be comfortable and enjoy themselves. If you can afford to feed them a nice dinner or have a band for dancing, and that's how you want to spend your time with them, why wouldn't you want to? The weddings I've been to that had those things were nice, as was the one with multiple days of activities (Indian-American, and yes, it was worth flying in early to get to go to the mehndi ceremony).
posted by Margalo Epps at 10:43 AM on May 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
The reason it seems strange to me it that I've been to at least half a dozen weddings where people spend a quarter of a million dollars and every time I see it I roll my eyes and curse late capitalism, and this one was actually worse than most.
You don't seem to like or respect some of your friends very much. Why are you continuing to accept their very expensive hospitality?
Will no one think of the ostentatious rich!?
posted by ActingTheGoat at 12:01 PM on May 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
You don't seem to like or respect some of your friends very much. Why are you continuing to accept their very expensive hospitality?
Will no one think of the ostentatious rich!?
posted by ActingTheGoat at 12:01 PM on May 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
It had nothing to do with "liking orchestral music" or what have you; it was about showing the world how much dough they had.
Well, obviously you know these individuals and their tastes and motivations better than I do. But the original comment was framed as that the mere presence of an orchestra at a wedding could be nothing but an automatic sign of pointless ostentation on the same level as lark's tongue pate at a Super Bowl party. And that's what I was arguing against because, again, I don't know these individuals, which is why I asked.
And unless it was a bad orchestra, I still don't see the problem; they could afford to provide (I assume, again, if they didn't play well it's different) good live music for their guests to hear, and a bunch of musicians got a paycheck. I'd rather see rich people spread it around than sit on it.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:47 PM on May 25, 2018 [5 favorites]
Well, obviously you know these individuals and their tastes and motivations better than I do. But the original comment was framed as that the mere presence of an orchestra at a wedding could be nothing but an automatic sign of pointless ostentation on the same level as lark's tongue pate at a Super Bowl party. And that's what I was arguing against because, again, I don't know these individuals, which is why I asked.
And unless it was a bad orchestra, I still don't see the problem; they could afford to provide (I assume, again, if they didn't play well it's different) good live music for their guests to hear, and a bunch of musicians got a paycheck. I'd rather see rich people spread it around than sit on it.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:47 PM on May 25, 2018 [5 favorites]
Will no one think of the ostentatious rich!?
Your own obligations to friendship and human decency have nothing to do with other people's wealth. In situations where you have a choice (many people do not), it's shitty to eat the bread of people you resent and disdain. I am one of Mefi's big Luxury Space Gay Communism proponents, but I went to two years of high school and four years of college with people who made many multiples of, hell, orders of magnitude more than, my family's income, and envy will screw up your character like few other things.
posted by praemunire at 9:31 PM on May 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
Your own obligations to friendship and human decency have nothing to do with other people's wealth. In situations where you have a choice (many people do not), it's shitty to eat the bread of people you resent and disdain. I am one of Mefi's big Luxury Space Gay Communism proponents, but I went to two years of high school and four years of college with people who made many multiples of, hell, orders of magnitude more than, my family's income, and envy will screw up your character like few other things.
posted by praemunire at 9:31 PM on May 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
I've talked before about how difficult it was to be the broke bridesmaid when one of my oldest friends got married, and she and the other bridesmaids were in their successful careers while I was still a broke student. So yeah, bride sort of hinted that I could ask her mom to pay for the (very expensive dress that I then had to pay even more $$ to have altered and never wore again)... but it was clear that everyone else had the money for it, and I had too much pride back then. Then of course the MOH was all, "and everyone's share for the bachelorette party will be $250!" Which I paid. And then could not attend, because having paid my share of the bachelorette party, I could no longer afford the airfare or lodging required to get me there. Now I regret not hocking the jewelry I recieved as my bridesmaid gift, because it had some value at the time which I suspect has probably diminished greatly by now...
That said, while I am in favor of low-key, low-budget weddings I despise potlucks and think they are the absolute worst form of party so I must lodge an objection to that, too. Best wedding reception: a tie between the friends who hired a taco truck and the friends who just got BBQ take-out for everyone.
posted by TwoStride at 9:58 PM on May 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
That said, while I am in favor of low-key, low-budget weddings I despise potlucks and think they are the absolute worst form of party so I must lodge an objection to that, too. Best wedding reception: a tie between the friends who hired a taco truck and the friends who just got BBQ take-out for everyone.
posted by TwoStride at 9:58 PM on May 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
Your own obligations to friendship and human decency have nothing to do with other people's wealth. In situations where you have a choice (many people do not), it's shitty to eat the bread of people you resent and disdain.
I try not to eat the bread of people I disdain.
Somebody said that they went to some rich asshole's wedding that cost a quarter of a million dollars. You then chastised them by saying;
You don't seem to like or respect some of your friends very much. Why are you continuing to accept their very expensive hospitality?
You have no basis for this. There is no reason to think that they are friends. Were they at the wedding as a vendor? Do they have rich asshole family that they are forced to see periodically? Does their partner have a bunch of rich asshole friends and they get dragged to events?
Somebody spends a quarter of a million dollars on a party and you judge my human decency?
posted by ActingTheGoat at 11:33 PM on May 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
I try not to eat the bread of people I disdain.
Somebody said that they went to some rich asshole's wedding that cost a quarter of a million dollars. You then chastised them by saying;
You don't seem to like or respect some of your friends very much. Why are you continuing to accept their very expensive hospitality?
You have no basis for this. There is no reason to think that they are friends. Were they at the wedding as a vendor? Do they have rich asshole family that they are forced to see periodically? Does their partner have a bunch of rich asshole friends and they get dragged to events?
Somebody spends a quarter of a million dollars on a party and you judge my human decency?
posted by ActingTheGoat at 11:33 PM on May 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
Somebody's laying out a quarter mil to feed and entertain me? What next, the comfy chair?
(Seriously, it sounds like a lovely change from the cash bars I've known)
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:11 AM on May 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
(Seriously, it sounds like a lovely change from the cash bars I've known)
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:11 AM on May 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
I think it's always worth it to be in a wedding.
haha, same. I've been best man twice, before I even caught on to what a best man is supposed to do. I just kind of showed up at the party dressed correctly and winged it. (To be fair, the groom in each case wanted exactly that, but the parents were not amused and I was never sure why)
Now my understanding is the groom and maid of honor are supposed to be co-project managers, making the whole thing happen, with the other members of the wedding party my staff? I mean, I could do that and do a bang-up job if asked. I wish I'd thought of that for my own wedding, now that I think of it.
posted by ctmf at 1:36 PM on May 26, 2018
haha, same. I've been best man twice, before I even caught on to what a best man is supposed to do. I just kind of showed up at the party dressed correctly and winged it. (To be fair, the groom in each case wanted exactly that, but the parents were not amused and I was never sure why)
Now my understanding is the groom and maid of honor are supposed to be co-project managers, making the whole thing happen, with the other members of the wedding party my staff? I mean, I could do that and do a bang-up job if asked. I wish I'd thought of that for my own wedding, now that I think of it.
posted by ctmf at 1:36 PM on May 26, 2018
I'm curious -- have you been to a lot of weddings with 600 guests and light shows?
Clearly you have not been to a South Asian wedding.
posted by divabat at 5:05 PM on May 26, 2018 [4 favorites]
Clearly you have not been to a South Asian wedding.
posted by divabat at 5:05 PM on May 26, 2018 [4 favorites]
I don't know 600 people, let alone 600 people I'd want at my wedding. How do you remember their names?
posted by b33j at 3:25 AM on May 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by b33j at 3:25 AM on May 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
Ok, going back to the 90's my wife and her mother started planning.
And they got along like a house-on-fire. At the moment her mother said, "The wedding isn't for you", to promote one of her points, my wife said, "nope. nope. nope." and the process stalled.
Fast forward to Spring of 93. The Grateful Dead were in town. Most of OUR friends were in town. Walking home after Saturday Night's show, I get the idea that I want to move forward with the wedding.
So, I get home, and after a late dinner, I spring this on the wife. "Let's move forward." She replies without hesitation, "Call city hall on Monday and see what we need". Ball's back in my court.
Well, on Monday I call and they go, "Come on down now, we backdate the paperwork, and you can get married TOMORROW MORNING". ( Tuesday )
Well, we did NOT apply for the "Amusement License", but rather got the Marriage License. Went home. Told everyone, and then we went to Monday night's Grateful Dead show in lieu of stupid Bachelor Party stuff. Then we all partied all night. Went down to City Hall with a bunch of friends, got married, then came home to a bagel and lox reception in the living room.
We danced the Hokey Pokey and everything. This tape in fact. ( Dinosaurs Live at Ritz on 1991-02-02 ), Papa John on the fiddle.
Oh, and when the Wife told Her Mother, boy was SHE PISSED.
posted by mikelieman at 3:55 AM on May 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
And they got along like a house-on-fire. At the moment her mother said, "The wedding isn't for you", to promote one of her points, my wife said, "nope. nope. nope." and the process stalled.
Fast forward to Spring of 93. The Grateful Dead were in town. Most of OUR friends were in town. Walking home after Saturday Night's show, I get the idea that I want to move forward with the wedding.
So, I get home, and after a late dinner, I spring this on the wife. "Let's move forward." She replies without hesitation, "Call city hall on Monday and see what we need". Ball's back in my court.
Well, on Monday I call and they go, "Come on down now, we backdate the paperwork, and you can get married TOMORROW MORNING". ( Tuesday )
Well, we did NOT apply for the "Amusement License", but rather got the Marriage License. Went home. Told everyone, and then we went to Monday night's Grateful Dead show in lieu of stupid Bachelor Party stuff. Then we all partied all night. Went down to City Hall with a bunch of friends, got married, then came home to a bagel and lox reception in the living room.
We danced the Hokey Pokey and everything. This tape in fact. ( Dinosaurs Live at Ritz on 1991-02-02 ), Papa John on the fiddle.
Oh, and when the Wife told Her Mother, boy was SHE PISSED.
posted by mikelieman at 3:55 AM on May 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
Have probably told this story before, am telling it again -
Another cousin's wedding was a tent-in-the-backyard thing. The restaurant my cousin had worked at for some summer jobs did the food on discount, another musically-inclined cousin did the music during the service and got a friend's band for the reception. It was a crowd of at most 150 to 200.
The band was especially good at the reception, and at some point my father and I were sitting at a table just listening to them. "You know, I really like weddings like this," Dad said. "No crazy food, no fancy-ass dresses, just a good time with people."
"Yeah, me too," I said. "You don't need all that fancy stuff, the company is more important."
After a couple seconds, I then heard my father say very quietly - "Good."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:32 AM on May 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
Another cousin's wedding was a tent-in-the-backyard thing. The restaurant my cousin had worked at for some summer jobs did the food on discount, another musically-inclined cousin did the music during the service and got a friend's band for the reception. It was a crowd of at most 150 to 200.
The band was especially good at the reception, and at some point my father and I were sitting at a table just listening to them. "You know, I really like weddings like this," Dad said. "No crazy food, no fancy-ass dresses, just a good time with people."
"Yeah, me too," I said. "You don't need all that fancy stuff, the company is more important."
After a couple seconds, I then heard my father say very quietly - "Good."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:32 AM on May 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
After a couple seconds, I then heard my father say very quietly - "Good.
When my oldest brother got married, as the bride was walking down the aisle in a lovely and low-key botanical garden wedding, my mother leaned over to me and murmured, "I will pay you to elope."
posted by TwoStride at 9:23 AM on May 27, 2018 [4 favorites]
I think it's always worth it to be in a wedding.
I mean, it depends, right? In order to enjoy the theater you have to not be worried about the finances or stressed out about the obligations that the bride/groom are putting on you or deeply self-conscious about what you're wearing or overcome with social anxiety and all that. I loved the weddings I've been in, but I had very few responsibilities, the ones I had were straightforward, the brides were super cool, and they even covered my dress. I have heard stories about being expected to travel across the country to be there for the bachelorette party and the bridal shower and pay for an expensive dress you'll never wear again and be in charge of all these little tasks in between and it all sounds like a nightmare. Plus weddings can turn even the sweetest bride or groom into a control freak (which is not a surprise). I don't begrudge anybody who is adverse to being in one if their experiences are all bad.
posted by Anonymous at 7:22 AM on May 28, 2018
I mean, it depends, right? In order to enjoy the theater you have to not be worried about the finances or stressed out about the obligations that the bride/groom are putting on you or deeply self-conscious about what you're wearing or overcome with social anxiety and all that. I loved the weddings I've been in, but I had very few responsibilities, the ones I had were straightforward, the brides were super cool, and they even covered my dress. I have heard stories about being expected to travel across the country to be there for the bachelorette party and the bridal shower and pay for an expensive dress you'll never wear again and be in charge of all these little tasks in between and it all sounds like a nightmare. Plus weddings can turn even the sweetest bride or groom into a control freak (which is not a surprise). I don't begrudge anybody who is adverse to being in one if their experiences are all bad.
posted by Anonymous at 7:22 AM on May 28, 2018
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Years ago, a friend of mine who did costuming polled her bridesmaids until they found a sundress pattern they all liked. Then she designed some bows and frills in matching fabric and "tacked" (sewed with removable stitches) them on for the ones who could not do it for themselves. I always thought a line of bows and frills that could then be removed to leave a wearable dress would sell like gangbusters, except the wedding industry would not want such a thing.
posted by Karmakaze at 9:14 AM on May 24, 2018 [23 favorites]