too long; didn't not read
June 26, 2018 11:12 PM   Subscribe

The ISFJ Assassin.
Find your post-apocalyptic Myers-Briggs type
or just keep reading the sidebar articles.
posted by michaelh (37 comments total) 21 users marked this as a favorite
As an INTJ “Mastermind”, I take exception to the idea that I would have caused the apocalypse to begin with.

There’s no way I would have “pushed the red button”, “unleashed the plague”, or “stole the Ruby of Truth from the Casket of Eternity and inadvertently freed the Great Darkness imprisoned within.”

Okay, well, that last one is something I probably totally would have done, sure, but the key word there is inadvertently.
posted by darkstar at 12:38 AM on June 27, 2018 [8 favorites]

And even after the apocalypse I'm apparently an INTP. Let's just take a look at the various INTP strategies... *kills darkstar*
posted by sysinfo at 1:21 AM on June 27, 2018 [8 favorites]

Surely we don't have to kill all the INTJs. We just have to store them in the aforementioned Ruby of Truth.

Sorry darkstar, but you are a threat to our apotheosis.
posted by antiwiggle at 2:32 AM on June 27, 2018 [7 favorites]

Wait wait after the Apocalypse I'm going to have to fill in online surveys by hand and tabulate my own results?!
posted by chavenet at 2:36 AM on June 27, 2018 [15 favorites]

yes, no point in doing it now
posted by mbo at 3:15 AM on June 27, 2018 [3 favorites]

There are no javascript forms after the apocalypse.
posted by Eleven at 3:38 AM on June 27, 2018 [12 favorites]

So it's more of a utopia, then.
posted by glonous keming at 3:46 AM on June 27, 2018 [21 favorites]

This is great.
posted by eyeofthetiger at 6:11 AM on June 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

Wait, where is the article for "Kill", eh?

(The next closest one was dreadfully soppy. As always with these sorts of things, I prefer to think myself as the equivalent of an NPC; or, in this case, "probably dead before the story starts".)
posted by inconstant at 6:54 AM on June 27, 2018

"INTJs are also punctual, orderly, organized, and planful. INTPs, on the other hand, are lazy procrastinators who live in Frito-lined rat holes organized around the principle of chaos theory." This...captures how I feel about the state of my kids' bedrooms.
posted by MonkeyToes at 7:00 AM on June 27, 2018 [8 favorites]

You can distract the INTJs with a series of boobytraps. They'll solve the traps, of course, but then get so deep into figuring out how to build better, more diabolical ones they'll be too busy to interfere, so there's that.

So, what will INTPs do once they become a supermind? An excellent question. One INTP wrote a 5,672 page essay expounding various systems for universal domination, but never finished it because they feared it was inadequate.

My god, it's full of elaborate yet incomplete fan-theories.
[galaxy brain exploding]
posted by Kitty Stardust at 7:07 AM on June 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

I'm actually genuinely surprised that I got INFP Fury. That said, almost all of my results for each category were 2 A, 2 B, 1 C (kill). I only decided my descriptors by changing my C answers to either A or B.

Also, the social scientist in me would like to point out that the amusingness of all of the C answers throws things off a bit.
posted by LMGM at 7:20 AM on June 27, 2018 [2 favorites]

Consistent, if not entirely accurate (INTJ).
posted by Sophie1 at 7:44 AM on June 27, 2018 [2 favorites]

There's no EIFP article? Unless I misread things. What am I? What is my place in the dystopic future?
posted by AnhydrousLove at 7:49 AM on June 27, 2018

Anhydrous - If you got intuitive, you're an ENFP.
posted by Sophie1 at 7:56 AM on June 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

INFP Mystic and unsurprised.

I always get IN on Meyers-Briggs stuff, but hover around the midpoint oF F/S and T/J; which way I fall kind of varies based on mood.
posted by Foosnark at 7:59 AM on June 27, 2018 [2 favorites]

*scans around at the thread where two of his clones have already been taken out by aberrant behavior*

“I suddenly remember some very important machinations I need to complete, back in my mountain fortress lair...”
posted by darkstar at 8:00 AM on June 27, 2018 [3 favorites]

As an INTJ “Mastermind”, I take exception to the idea that I would have caused the apocalypse to begin with.

In contrast, as a middle-aged INTJ in the early 21st I have come to fully appreciate the motivation of every Bond villan ever.
posted by CynicalKnight at 8:03 AM on June 27, 2018 [4 favorites]

Oh, to avoid II**s. I see. Ta.
Looks like a stressfull future, but at least I get to meet a cute, capable guy.
posted by AnhydrousLove at 8:10 AM on June 27, 2018

I am an ENFP Fury and I demand a INTJ mad scientist paramour to make me some flying unicorns!!!!
posted by leesh at 8:41 AM on June 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

make me some flying unicorns!!!!

Isn't it enough to know that I ruined a pony making a gift for you?
posted by CynicalKnight at 8:45 AM on June 27, 2018 [5 favorites]

You alone will enjoy a lifetime supply of mutant crossbred narwhal-dove-horses (or “flying unicorns” as you will call them) that your INTJ mate will lovingly provide for you to ride upon.

"I am an ENFP Fury and I demand a INTJ mad scientist paramour to make me some flying unicorns!!!!"

Paramour really needs to understand that language is what we make it, and these are flying unicorns, there's just no getting around that. I would also accept unipegasi.
posted by AnhydrousLove at 8:50 AM on June 27, 2018 [2 favorites]

To absolutely no-one's surprise, INTP Wizard here. Except that I had a 'Kill' along with my I, and I don't see where that fits in.
posted by hanov3r at 8:55 AM on June 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

Per this quit I am apparently INFJ Muse, which is hilarious as I am not exactly perceptive or empathic, and I'd rather take on a bunker full of zombies than think or talk about feelings.

Last time I took the actual assessment, I came out with ISTJ, so I'm declaring myself ISTJ Sentinel. If anyone needs help inventorying their bunker or making plans A, B, C, or D, I'll be right over here with my clipboard and graph paper, cleaning my gear to pass the time.
posted by esoterrica at 9:05 AM on June 27, 2018

This is the first time I've ever scored ESTJ instead of my more usual INTJ, but hey, I'll take the whole "organized, prepared, social butterfly" thing over my more usual "you heartless grandmaster!" sort of responses. (Was I the only one mildly bored by the KILL options? They seemed so... predictable.)

To be fair, my usual answer for "how are you gonna survive after the apocalypse" is a cheerful "I'm not! The moment I decide there's no getting back to my preferred style of living, I'm gonna opt out of living!," so this isn't too unexpected.

Yes, sweet, intoxicating power. It is fortunate indeed that ESTJs are a type that regards selfless service as a sacred duty. Very fortunate. You will found a dynasty that will last for at least ten thousand years and be rightfully revered by your trembling subjects.

Yes. Yes, I approve of this future. I will be a benevolent and effective Underlord. Let me just work out how I'd get started--for the good of humanity, of course...
posted by sciatrix at 9:07 AM on June 27, 2018 [3 favorites]

Hold on, their ESTJ is an idiot!

Another problem is the issue of inbreeding. At first it will be assumed that the outbreaks of mutation are caused by radioactive groundwater, but eventually the experts will come to the realization that it is caused by a shrinking genetic pool. An aggressive but unpopular system of arranged marriages will be necessary to prevent further disintegration of the population's DNA.

Unacceptable! Everyone knows that inbreeding can't cause mutations, only bring mutations to the surface that would otherwise be hidden recessives. You fool, you have clearly failed to capture some existing mutagen lurking in your population's caverns! And you've spent perfectly good political capital on arranged marriages! Ridiculous!

And you're wasting all those youths who want to go to the sur-fass on the oorg! They're inquisitive lads and lasses, and anyway, killing them is only going to inspire more unrest, which means that your empire will be increasingly unstable. It's much better to helpfully divert them to your knowledge-advancing caste, which minimizes unrest while also increasing the technological sophistication of your organization. You can hand them all your concerns and worries about surviving the sur-fass--what about the radiation? How do you cure zombies to prevent them from coming at you? The scriptures are interpretable, fool. That means you never need to run out of potential reasons, and you can twist them to the needs and desires of your empire as it is today.

This allows you to actually be prepared when the sur-fass inhabitants inevitably discover you or vice versa, and gives you more options if you decide to conquer them or trade with them.

Some people. Pfft.
posted by sciatrix at 9:27 AM on June 27, 2018 [2 favorites]


Does this mean I win?
posted by Chuffy at 9:54 AM on June 27, 2018

Wouldn’t a unipegasus be like a one-winged horse?
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:17 AM on June 27, 2018

According to Wikipedia, "pegasus" most probably derives from "lightning", so a unipegasus would be a flying horse that can only produce one lightning bolt, I assume.
posted by inconstant at 10:27 AM on June 27, 2018

Referring to any given winged horse as 'a pegasus' is like referring to any given giant as 'an Andre'. Pegasus is a singular winged horse in mythology, not a name for the winged-horse species as a whole.

(And, yes, I know, TECHNICALLY it's "Frankenstein's Pegasus")
posted by hanov3r at 10:57 AM on June 27, 2018 [5 favorites]

I am an ISFP and apparently I am the only natural predator of the ENFP's flying unicorn. Pretty sure this is the only time in my life I've ever scored an S on one of these things, but.
posted by halation at 11:30 AM on June 27, 2018

I have the personality type of I'm not going to sit here and score myself on this goofy web quiz. How does this page not have a way to poll itself, like-- patreon link at the bottom and doesn't even have crap I cobbled together in 1999 as a 10 year old with a geocities tier type website?! Give me a break. I'm pretty sure there are myriad sources to get fully functioning code for this sort of thing, probably some kind of visual tool even. Also, question 14 doesn't even have an option to smoke the damn thing. I don't think I trust this post-apocalyptic personalogist.
posted by GoblinHoney at 11:45 AM on June 27, 2018

You leave my unicorns alone or I will come for you with my magic baseball bat.
posted by leesh at 11:46 AM on June 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

So it's more of a utopia, then.

No, because Myers-Briggs still exists.
posted by supercres at 1:17 PM on June 27, 2018 [7 favorites]

Wealth: Took a vow of poverty

Yep, sounds about right
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 6:31 PM on June 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

What ... do you do when your last answers on the test are 2 - 2 - 1? Am I permanently stuck in a state of flux between ISFP and ISFJ?

Mind you, the reason why I chose C is that I couldn't manage a city out of a paper bag. And I doubt anyone would be thrilled about that. Where's the option, "get someone else to do it"? The only thing I can be trusted to do properly is setting the clock when the batteries die.
posted by redrawturtle at 1:57 AM on June 28, 2018 [3 favorites]

Hell yeah KNTP!

My closest type is apparently the ENTP maverick (which is odd, because I'm usually an ENFP / recovering INFP). Apparently:

Many ENTPs will decide that they like living in a mutant-invested wasteland. They will go and live with the ESTP Raiders, adopting their customs and learning to eat human flesh. In time they will become almost indistinguishable from the ESTPs, although they will have cooler weapons and actually understand why they work.

Could be a lot worse.
posted by duffell at 6:05 PM on June 28, 2018 [1 favorite]

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