"I wouldn’t, if I were you ... but I do."
July 17, 2018 7:51 PM Subscribe
"I respect that bakers who are proud of their bagels might get pissed that someone is destroying their creation. But it’s a damn piece of bread. Eat it in a way that makes the most sense to you. If you want to enjoy your sandwich without half of the toppings falling out of the sides, then do what feels right: hold your head high and scoop out your bagel."
How about, instead of scooping out half the damn bagel, you just use sandwich bread for your sandwiches, you weirdo?
posted by tobascodagama at 8:12 PM on July 17, 2018 [22 favorites]
posted by tobascodagama at 8:12 PM on July 17, 2018 [22 favorites]
The carbs are the whole point! Give me less sandwiched guts and MOAR BREAD.
posted by Grandysaur at 8:31 PM on July 17, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by Grandysaur at 8:31 PM on July 17, 2018 [5 favorites]
Well, he does write that he often eats the scooped out bagel entrails separately, so at least he's not wasting the delicous innards.
posted by FJT at 8:32 PM on July 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by FJT at 8:32 PM on July 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
But.. you scoop out the insides and Eat it! and then you make your sandwiches! Boom problem solved. Give me bagels.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 8:33 PM on July 17, 2018
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 8:33 PM on July 17, 2018
Or what FJT said- only thing being scooped here is me!
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 8:34 PM on July 17, 2018 [11 favorites]
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 8:34 PM on July 17, 2018 [11 favorites]
I mean, you do you, but I'm coming confused as to how this person handles sandwiches, in general? Like, there's nothing inherent about bagels that should make the innards fall out more so than sandwich bread. Also, just eat your bagels open faced? The only time I put the two halves together is if I'm eating an egg bagel sandwich. If I'm just eating a bagel, I eat the two halves separately, and never have a problem with toppings falling off or squishing out.
posted by brook horse at 8:36 PM on July 17, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by brook horse at 8:36 PM on July 17, 2018 [5 favorites]
You scoop them out because New York bagels are shit and Montreal bagels are halos from angels.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:39 PM on July 17, 2018 [16 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:39 PM on July 17, 2018 [16 favorites]
I cut the centers out of my bread slices to make more room for sandwich fillings so this makes sense.
posted by not_the_water at 8:49 PM on July 17, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by not_the_water at 8:49 PM on July 17, 2018 [5 favorites]
there's nothing inherent about bagels that should make the innards fall out more so than sandwich bread
Most sandwich bread is more airy than bagel innards, making it both easier to flatten and more likely to soak up any moisture from the toppings (and then flatten). Rye breads would be the exception.
I would also argue that the force of the jaw required to bite through two chewy bagel crusts at the same time leads to toppings squirting out the sides, since bagels are generally more dense than the toppings (e.g cream cheese, lettuce).
posted by cranberrymonger at 8:50 PM on July 17, 2018 [26 favorites]
Most sandwich bread is more airy than bagel innards, making it both easier to flatten and more likely to soak up any moisture from the toppings (and then flatten). Rye breads would be the exception.
I would also argue that the force of the jaw required to bite through two chewy bagel crusts at the same time leads to toppings squirting out the sides, since bagels are generally more dense than the toppings (e.g cream cheese, lettuce).
posted by cranberrymonger at 8:50 PM on July 17, 2018 [26 favorites]
this is a lot like what my mom does to bread sticks at Olive Garden except she wants the scooped out bits only because they're soft and sweet and I like the fake garlic butter brushed outer portion and at the end of the day why does it matter? You're eating bread, bread is amazing, just eat already
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:53 PM on July 17, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:53 PM on July 17, 2018 [6 favorites]
brook horse: " Like, there's nothing inherent about bagels that should make the innards fall out more so than sandwich bread"
Well they do have a hole in the centre.
posted by Mitheral at 9:03 PM on July 17, 2018 [6 favorites]
Well they do have a hole in the centre.
posted by Mitheral at 9:03 PM on July 17, 2018 [6 favorites]
"Bagel sandwich" is a loser at birth, get a Kaiser roll. Put cream cheese on it (and even then) or leave it open-face, like you do with a lox bagel.
That said, I've been hollowing out bread in regular sandwich-land for a long time. Once upon a time, back when I had a microwave and could make no-muss bacon, I'd get a half-sized baguette, hinge-cut it, scoop out most of the breadness, smear it with hummus, stuff some turkey along the length, salt and pepper, then two strips of bacon end to end, then spinach. Close the hinge and stuff everything inside, and you have a nice lunch.
Furthermore, since applesauce goes with sausage and pork in general, I've been making brats or italian sausages on the stove, steaming up some hotdog buns, hollow those out, then use applesauce instead of ketchup or whatever abomination you usually put on hotdogs. It has a little bit of a wateriness problem, but it works well. I might try something else or make my own apple goo.
posted by rhizome at 9:10 PM on July 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
That said, I've been hollowing out bread in regular sandwich-land for a long time. Once upon a time, back when I had a microwave and could make no-muss bacon, I'd get a half-sized baguette, hinge-cut it, scoop out most of the breadness, smear it with hummus, stuff some turkey along the length, salt and pepper, then two strips of bacon end to end, then spinach. Close the hinge and stuff everything inside, and you have a nice lunch.
Furthermore, since applesauce goes with sausage and pork in general, I've been making brats or italian sausages on the stove, steaming up some hotdog buns, hollow those out, then use applesauce instead of ketchup or whatever abomination you usually put on hotdogs. It has a little bit of a wateriness problem, but it works well. I might try something else or make my own apple goo.
posted by rhizome at 9:10 PM on July 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
Man who fuckin cares just gimme some bagels
I mean
This what the people really want
They want bagels
posted by Doleful Creature at 9:15 PM on July 17, 2018 [10 favorites]
I mean
This what the people really want
They want bagels
posted by Doleful Creature at 9:15 PM on July 17, 2018 [10 favorites]
A salt bagel should not be eaten two halves at a time.
posted by rhizome at 9:24 PM on July 17, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 9:24 PM on July 17, 2018 [5 favorites]
This doesn't matter but the scourge of the planet are the bagel sculptors. These are the people ahead of you in line on free bagel day at work who spend five minutes carefully spreading the cream cheese or other schmear so it just barely covers the bagel surface. Dudes! We are about to eat two thousand calories worth of carbs and it is a miracle our gallbladder doesn't dissolve trying to digest the damn thing. A half gram extra of fat is OK!
I swear I want a company newsletter solely so I can write a letter to the editor complaining about the bagel sculptors and the people who go backwards in the coffee line because they didn't get the lids WHICH ARE RIGHT NEXT TO THE CUPS IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU KNOW YOU'LL NEED IT JUST PICK THEM UP AT THE SAME TIME IT'S JUST COMMON SENSE.
I can be a bit cranky before I've had coffee and a bagel.
posted by mark k at 9:25 PM on July 17, 2018 [12 favorites]
I swear I want a company newsletter solely so I can write a letter to the editor complaining about the bagel sculptors and the people who go backwards in the coffee line because they didn't get the lids WHICH ARE RIGHT NEXT TO THE CUPS IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU KNOW YOU'LL NEED IT JUST PICK THEM UP AT THE SAME TIME IT'S JUST COMMON SENSE.
I can be a bit cranky before I've had coffee and a bagel.
posted by mark k at 9:25 PM on July 17, 2018 [12 favorites]
The cream cheese (or hummus) is there to act as mortar and hold some onion and tomato in place.
posted by theora55 at 9:39 PM on July 17, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 9:39 PM on July 17, 2018 [6 favorites]
I'd like to see this turkey try this with a tortilla.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 9:51 PM on July 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by ActingTheGoat at 9:51 PM on July 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
rhizome, I just made Instant Pot applesauce -- it can be as dense or as watery as one likes.
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:03 PM on July 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:03 PM on July 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
Oh that’s just great. Next he’s going to tell everyone it’s ok to toast bagels, and complete chaos will result.
posted by holborne at 11:11 PM on July 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by holborne at 11:11 PM on July 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
I want to eat at rhizome's house.
Bagel scooping is hardly the next sit/stand controversy, eat the damn bagel how you want before the cat starts poking at it.
posted by arcticseal at 12:33 AM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
Bagel scooping is hardly the next sit/stand controversy, eat the damn bagel how you want before the cat starts poking at it.
posted by arcticseal at 12:33 AM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
I grew up in part of the American Midwest with lots of 1st-, 2nd-, and 3rd-Generation Jewish immigrants, and so fuelled my growth on very fine New York-style bagels. I crave them and love them in many forms and have, in the past, scooped out the innards to facilitate a tidy sandwich. Mom taught me how!
Alas, I now live in East Asia, a bread wasteland filled with the scabrous influence of sweet Japanese milk bread. All the bread here sucks. I've tried all the bagels commonly available and they all earn the epithet of "BSO" - or bagel-shaped object. Also poppy seeds are illegal everywhere so I've basically lived in Bagel Hell for the past 9 years.
Last year, Enki-girl and I moved away from the biggest city in the country to a rural farming town. Isolation and quietude, yes. There is one western restaurant in the surrounding 20 kilometers, close to the seacoast. It also happens to be a bakery. Imagine my surprise upon finding that not only does this tiny shop in a tiny fishing village have bagels, they're simply divine! Perfectly chewy inside, crackling crust outside. No hint of Japanese-style sweetness. A pinch of yeasty sourness and all of them hand rolled to perfection just like I'd find back home. I could not and still cannot believe my luck.
I may be single-handedly keeping this bakery in business, so deep is my love for these bagels. They are very precious to me. Every bite is savored. I do not scoop.
posted by Enkidude at 1:17 AM on July 18, 2018 [25 favorites]
Alas, I now live in East Asia, a bread wasteland filled with the scabrous influence of sweet Japanese milk bread. All the bread here sucks. I've tried all the bagels commonly available and they all earn the epithet of "BSO" - or bagel-shaped object. Also poppy seeds are illegal everywhere so I've basically lived in Bagel Hell for the past 9 years.
Last year, Enki-girl and I moved away from the biggest city in the country to a rural farming town. Isolation and quietude, yes. There is one western restaurant in the surrounding 20 kilometers, close to the seacoast. It also happens to be a bakery. Imagine my surprise upon finding that not only does this tiny shop in a tiny fishing village have bagels, they're simply divine! Perfectly chewy inside, crackling crust outside. No hint of Japanese-style sweetness. A pinch of yeasty sourness and all of them hand rolled to perfection just like I'd find back home. I could not and still cannot believe my luck.
I may be single-handedly keeping this bakery in business, so deep is my love for these bagels. They are very precious to me. Every bite is savored. I do not scoop.
posted by Enkidude at 1:17 AM on July 18, 2018 [25 favorites]
Oh my god, the bagel privilege on display in this thread is just disgusting, I can't even get bagels where I live *weeping and gnashing of teeth*
posted by lollymccatburglar at 2:46 AM on July 18, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by lollymccatburglar at 2:46 AM on July 18, 2018 [8 favorites]
My son just brought me a bagel sliced in half and dripping with sour cream, like for soups and nachos - and honey.
I had asked for a buttered bagel. What is it about the circle that drives people mad?
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 3:01 AM on July 18, 2018 [11 favorites]
I had asked for a buttered bagel. What is it about the circle that drives people mad?
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 3:01 AM on July 18, 2018 [11 favorites]
1. The bagel described shouldn’t be eaten as a sandwich. Half at a time. No squishing problems.
2. Flagels, man, flagels. More crunch, more surface area for the Everything, just a better experience unless you’re eating the world’s best bagels.
posted by uncleozzy at 3:12 AM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
2. Flagels, man, flagels. More crunch, more surface area for the Everything, just a better experience unless you’re eating the world’s best bagels.
posted by uncleozzy at 3:12 AM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
Umm this really isn't that hard. Scooping out is overthinking this so called "problem".
You just MASH down really hard on the bagel with your hand. Sure ,there are going to be some guts of the sandwich that are squeezed out the sides, but you just eat those with your fingers and/or dip your fries/chips/crackers/side snack into those.
Problem solved.
posted by Fizz at 4:47 AM on July 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
You just MASH down really hard on the bagel with your hand. Sure ,there are going to be some guts of the sandwich that are squeezed out the sides, but you just eat those with your fingers and/or dip your fries/chips/crackers/side snack into those.
Problem solved.
posted by Fizz at 4:47 AM on July 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
Montreal bagels are halos from angels.
Hah there's no such thing as a "Montreal bagel." Little sugary hockey pucks.
posted by 1adam12 at 4:47 AM on July 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
Hah there's no such thing as a "Montreal bagel." Little sugary hockey pucks.
posted by 1adam12 at 4:47 AM on July 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
It's pronounced "baggle."
*Jumps into escape helicopter and takes off, cackling* you'll never catch meeeeeeee
posted by duffell at 5:08 AM on July 18, 2018 [6 favorites]
*Jumps into escape helicopter and takes off, cackling* you'll never catch meeeeeeee
posted by duffell at 5:08 AM on July 18, 2018 [6 favorites]
Timely Onion headline from yesterday, Terrified Glob of Cream Cheese Escapes Bagel
posted by Baphomet's Prime at 5:10 AM on July 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Baphomet's Prime at 5:10 AM on July 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
Hey! Some of us scoop because we really like bagels but really hate the feeling of having just eaten a pound of lead after having one. And no, I'm not just gonna eat just half of a bagel instead when I can get the yumminess of the entire sesame or poppy seed laden exterior just by eliminating some of the innards.
I say this with some authority*.
* Worked in two different bagel bakeries during college, was sent to a special school to learn how to breakdown a whole smoked salmon into lox, New Yorker for 35+ years therefore I remember back when the bagels in NYC were good and dense and smaller, before the H&H monopoly took over and bagels became stupid enormous rounds of fluff, and have always maintained bialys were superior anyway (Kossar's, anyways).
posted by newpotato at 5:31 AM on July 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
I say this with some authority*.
* Worked in two different bagel bakeries during college, was sent to a special school to learn how to breakdown a whole smoked salmon into lox, New Yorker for 35+ years therefore I remember back when the bagels in NYC were good and dense and smaller, before the H&H monopoly took over and bagels became stupid enormous rounds of fluff, and have always maintained bialys were superior anyway (Kossar's, anyways).
posted by newpotato at 5:31 AM on July 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
Wasn’t this a Seinfeld episode? Or was that muffins?
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 5:43 AM on July 18, 2018
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 5:43 AM on July 18, 2018
1adam12: I will fight you over this, as my consumer preferences, which while largely resulting accidents of geography, demography, and marketing exposure, now form a large part of my identity owing to various alienating cultural shifts and the expertise in modern marketers in identifying products with a lifestyle.
posted by Grimgrin at 5:45 AM on July 18, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by Grimgrin at 5:45 AM on July 18, 2018 [10 favorites]
bialys were superior
A good bialy is really a thing of beauty. I had somehow never had one before three or four years ago, when we were flying to LA to visit my wife's aunt, who asked us to bring some. My "personal item" on that flight was a dozen bagels and half a dozen bialys, in a paper bag and about three layers of plastic bags. Still stunk to high heaven. Sorry not sorry, airplane people.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:47 AM on July 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
A good bialy is really a thing of beauty. I had somehow never had one before three or four years ago, when we were flying to LA to visit my wife's aunt, who asked us to bring some. My "personal item" on that flight was a dozen bagels and half a dozen bialys, in a paper bag and about three layers of plastic bags. Still stunk to high heaven. Sorry not sorry, airplane people.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:47 AM on July 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
I guess this is the right place to confess that I scoop out the insides of my popovers. I ain't got time for that doughy stuff. Especially when I want to stuff that popover with delicious turkey and gravy.
In fact, I've modified my popover recipe, replacing all-purpose flour with bread flour, and replacing most of the whole eggs with egg whites. This makes for a crispy, crunchy popover with very little doughy interior...just the way I like 'em.
Lucky for me, popover fans aren't nearly as intense as bagel fans.
posted by Lunaloon at 6:09 AM on July 18, 2018
In fact, I've modified my popover recipe, replacing all-purpose flour with bread flour, and replacing most of the whole eggs with egg whites. This makes for a crispy, crunchy popover with very little doughy interior...just the way I like 'em.
Lucky for me, popover fans aren't nearly as intense as bagel fans.
posted by Lunaloon at 6:09 AM on July 18, 2018
These are the people ahead of you in line on free bagel day at work who spend five minutes carefully spreading the cream cheese or other schmear so it just barely covers the bagel surface.
Of course, in a traditional New York bagel shop, they will spread the equivalent of an 8oz package of cream cheese onto your bagel.
posted by Automocar at 6:13 AM on July 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
Of course, in a traditional New York bagel shop, they will spread the equivalent of an 8oz package of cream cheese onto your bagel.
posted by Automocar at 6:13 AM on July 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
Me, I go the opposite route. I start with sandwich bread and squoosh it around into a toroid before I eat it.
posted by mondo dentro at 6:52 AM on July 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by mondo dentro at 6:52 AM on July 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
You can't scoop out a proper wood-fired Montreal bagel. Or if you did there would be no bagel left because they are thinner and smaller then those giant fat dough rings that are mistakenly referred to as "bagels".
posted by fimbulvetr at 6:54 AM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by fimbulvetr at 6:54 AM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
Although it is absolutely the messiest possible combination, I love an egg salad bagel sandwich. While many shirts have died for its glory, I can't scoop it out—it's the combination of crusty outside, chewy inside, and then slight bounce of egg + salt/umami hit that gets me.
Frankly, if it's about the filling, I'd suggest a pita pocket or similar fully-enclosed breadform. Getting good pita is almost as hard as getting a good bagel, though.
posted by Grimp0teuthis at 7:04 AM on July 18, 2018
Frankly, if it's about the filling, I'd suggest a pita pocket or similar fully-enclosed breadform. Getting good pita is almost as hard as getting a good bagel, though.
posted by Grimp0teuthis at 7:04 AM on July 18, 2018
Bagels are meant to be consumed either whole and unadorned, or in the case where there are toppings, open-faced in halves.
posted by slkinsey at 7:06 AM on July 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by slkinsey at 7:06 AM on July 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
Montreal makes bagel simulacrums. They taste okay and have a similar shape, but if you've had New York bagels from an actual bagel shop before, they're Not Really a New York Bagel. Many cities have similar "almost but not" foods. Look for Philly cheese steaks outside if Pennsylvania, for example.
This hold true for a variety of foods and even kinds of foods created outside their natural habitats. Texas barbecue. Haggis. Mexican food. Various Asian foods. There can be many reasons why, from lack of available ingredients to differences in regional preferences, etc.
This is entirely okay. People eat what they can. They like what they like. They prefer what they prefer. Life goes on. And if they can't get a flagel or can but don't like 'em then scooping out the insides isn't sacrilege.
Uncleozzy, when I was a kid I used to travel to see my grandparents in Texas from New York with a duffel bag full of dozens of bagels, a couple of hard salamis and a gallon jar of deli mustard. Because they could only get Lender's bagels at Albertsons and calling those things a bagel was false advertising. The flight from Dallas to Amarillo was usually a 10-15 seater (and often a propellor plane) so by the time we landed the whole thing would smell like bagels. :)
posted by zarq at 7:12 AM on July 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
This hold true for a variety of foods and even kinds of foods created outside their natural habitats. Texas barbecue. Haggis. Mexican food. Various Asian foods. There can be many reasons why, from lack of available ingredients to differences in regional preferences, etc.
This is entirely okay. People eat what they can. They like what they like. They prefer what they prefer. Life goes on. And if they can't get a flagel or can but don't like 'em then scooping out the insides isn't sacrilege.
Uncleozzy, when I was a kid I used to travel to see my grandparents in Texas from New York with a duffel bag full of dozens of bagels, a couple of hard salamis and a gallon jar of deli mustard. Because they could only get Lender's bagels at Albertsons and calling those things a bagel was false advertising. The flight from Dallas to Amarillo was usually a 10-15 seater (and often a propellor plane) so by the time we landed the whole thing would smell like bagels. :)
posted by zarq at 7:12 AM on July 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
Montreal makes bagel simulacrums. They taste okay and have a similar shape, but if you've had New York bagels from an actual bagel shop before, they're Not Really a New York Bagel.
You're damn right they are not a "New York Bagel". It is right in the name. They are Montreal bagels. Montreal bagels have been a thing in Montreal since the late 19th century.
posted by fimbulvetr at 7:20 AM on July 18, 2018 [5 favorites]
You're damn right they are not a "New York Bagel". It is right in the name. They are Montreal bagels. Montreal bagels have been a thing in Montreal since the late 19th century.
posted by fimbulvetr at 7:20 AM on July 18, 2018 [5 favorites]
Seriously? If this fella wants to throw shade on Baltimore bagels, then I have no use for him. They are lovely, lovely things, chewy and crisp, but without the absurd bulk and density of the New York variety.
posted by McCoy Pauley at 7:39 AM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by McCoy Pauley at 7:39 AM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
There is a place for scooping. As an ex-counterman I'd say it is not at the peak of the breakfast rush with a line out of the door.
Customer: Everything with a schmear. Gut it.
Me: (internally) Fuck you so very much.
You're getting a schmear. Literally a thin spread of creamcheese. Not half a pound of tuna salad. It will fit un-scooped. Pain in the ass.
posted by Splunge at 9:05 AM on July 18, 2018 [5 favorites]
Customer: Everything with a schmear. Gut it.
Me: (internally) Fuck you so very much.
You're getting a schmear. Literally a thin spread of creamcheese. Not half a pound of tuna salad. It will fit un-scooped. Pain in the ass.
posted by Splunge at 9:05 AM on July 18, 2018 [5 favorites]
Montreal Bagel's texture is one of God's perfect things.
posted by PinkMoose at 9:09 AM on July 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by PinkMoose at 9:09 AM on July 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
Surely after Masterpiece Cakeshop, bakers are free to deny their product to anyone whose use of it they find objectionable?
Just for that, I'm going to eat any food you make for me and turn into poop and there is nothing you can do about it!
It doesn't matter how fancy or perfect you think a bagel or any other food is, it's getting turned into poop so I'm not going to get too bent out of shape over what happens to any particular food item on it's journey to the toilet.
posted by VTX at 9:19 AM on July 18, 2018
Just for that, I'm going to eat any food you make for me and turn into poop and there is nothing you can do about it!
It doesn't matter how fancy or perfect you think a bagel or any other food is, it's getting turned into poop so I'm not going to get too bent out of shape over what happens to any particular food item on it's journey to the toilet.
posted by VTX at 9:19 AM on July 18, 2018
You're damn right they are not a "New York Bagel". It is right in the name. They are Montreal bagels. Montreal bagels have been a thing in Montreal since the late 19th century.
*laughing*
Oh, good lord. Have I insulted the honor of a piece of bread? Impugned your baked foodstuffs with impunity?
posted by zarq at 9:21 AM on July 18, 2018
*laughing*
Oh, good lord. Have I insulted the honor of a piece of bread? Impugned your baked foodstuffs with impunity?
posted by zarq at 9:21 AM on July 18, 2018
Nah, I don't take it personally. You're just wrong.
posted by fimbulvetr at 9:25 AM on July 18, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by fimbulvetr at 9:25 AM on July 18, 2018 [7 favorites]
As someone who was born in Canada, grew up in NJ, and then went to university in Montreal and regularly defends/holds up as an example all things Canadian, I *really* wanted to like Montreal bagels and tell all the dumb Americans* how bad their bagels are and how they're doing it wrong...
But unfortunately Montreal bagels are just not very good. Sorry Montreal. Sorry Canada. Sorry fimbulvetr.
* - I'm a citizen of both countries so can make fun of either without fear of recourse.
posted by Grither at 9:45 AM on July 18, 2018
But unfortunately Montreal bagels are just not very good. Sorry Montreal. Sorry Canada. Sorry fimbulvetr.
* - I'm a citizen of both countries so can make fun of either without fear of recourse.
posted by Grither at 9:45 AM on July 18, 2018
Of course, in a traditional New York bagel shop, they will spread the equivalent of an 8oz package of cream cheese onto your bagel.
As it should be, more or less. Mostly less. I get 3 or 4 bagels out of a block of Philly, which is bad cream cheese, but at least it's not whipped. A salt or everything bagel with a good amount of cream cheese is a wonder of balance between the cheese, the crust, the exterior flavor and the bread-y middle.
Bagel shops that use whipped cream cheese are run by people who eat bagel sandwiches and wonder how they could be made more worse, more leaky, more angering.
posted by rhizome at 9:56 AM on July 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
As it should be, more or less. Mostly less. I get 3 or 4 bagels out of a block of Philly, which is bad cream cheese, but at least it's not whipped. A salt or everything bagel with a good amount of cream cheese is a wonder of balance between the cheese, the crust, the exterior flavor and the bread-y middle.
Bagel shops that use whipped cream cheese are run by people who eat bagel sandwiches and wonder how they could be made more worse, more leaky, more angering.
posted by rhizome at 9:56 AM on July 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
Chacun à son goût!
posted by fimbulvetr at 10:09 AM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by fimbulvetr at 10:09 AM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
argh. now I am seriously craving some bagels. its only possible to get decent ones in the Bay Area, CA (I grew up in NJ and know what a real bagel is supposed to be like) and yeah, open faced if its not an egg sandwich (with taylor ham and cheese, droooooool...)
I never gut, personally, and when Mr Supermedusa makes us gashouse eggs for brekkie I always eat the bread circle because CARBS!!!!!!
posted by supermedusa at 10:12 AM on July 18, 2018
I never gut, personally, and when Mr Supermedusa makes us gashouse eggs for brekkie I always eat the bread circle because CARBS!!!!!!
posted by supermedusa at 10:12 AM on July 18, 2018
Chacun à son goût!
posted by fimbulvetr
Mot, garçon à la maison.
posted by Splunge at 10:15 AM on July 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by fimbulvetr
Mot, garçon à la maison.
posted by Splunge at 10:15 AM on July 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
Eat your damned bread any way you like. It's nobody's damned business but yours.
posted by evilDoug at 10:55 AM on July 18, 2018
posted by evilDoug at 10:55 AM on July 18, 2018
You can pry my bagel sandwich from my cold, dead hands.
Oh wait, you can't, because I already ate it. Hahaha.
Those of you lacking in bagel privilege may want to look into making your own. Like this.
posted by medusa at 11:49 AM on July 18, 2018
Oh wait, you can't, because I already ate it. Hahaha.
Those of you lacking in bagel privilege may want to look into making your own. Like this.
posted by medusa at 11:49 AM on July 18, 2018
Omae wa mou tabe iru.
posted by tobascodagama at 12:15 PM on July 18, 2018
posted by tobascodagama at 12:15 PM on July 18, 2018
Smitten Kitchen's take on Peter Reinhart's bagels is also a good recipe. I've made them several times in my sad, bagel-diaspora state, which has slightly improved, having moved from the Midwest to New England, but only slightly.
I will give a very big shout out to Krakow's bagels (obwarzaneki), which look a bit more akin to Montreal bagels, in that they have a larger hole/thinner ring, but are more like NYC bagels in that they're savory rather than sweet. Topping are similar, too--poppy seed, sesame, salt, etc. They're sold from these little blue carts on the street, for around 2 zloty (which is about 50 cents).
Someone could probably make a killing selling them in the US to those whose scooping is motivated by wanting a smaller serving or a different crust-to-inside ratio.
posted by damayanti at 1:04 PM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
I will give a very big shout out to Krakow's bagels (obwarzaneki), which look a bit more akin to Montreal bagels, in that they have a larger hole/thinner ring, but are more like NYC bagels in that they're savory rather than sweet. Topping are similar, too--poppy seed, sesame, salt, etc. They're sold from these little blue carts on the street, for around 2 zloty (which is about 50 cents).
Someone could probably make a killing selling them in the US to those whose scooping is motivated by wanting a smaller serving or a different crust-to-inside ratio.
posted by damayanti at 1:04 PM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
→ "Montreal bagel." Little sugary hockey pucks.
They're huge compared to a Glasgow bagel. Glasgow bagels are about half the size of Montreal ones but at least the same weight. They are clearly one of the world's great hand-to-hand combat breads.
posted by scruss at 1:17 PM on July 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
They're huge compared to a Glasgow bagel. Glasgow bagels are about half the size of Montreal ones but at least the same weight. They are clearly one of the world's great hand-to-hand combat breads.
posted by scruss at 1:17 PM on July 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
You scoop them out because New York bagels are shit and Montreal bagels are halos from angels.
You say that like someone who has never been to the Western United States and has no idea how shitty a bagel can actually be.
One of my hobbies is eating bad bagels in places that don't have any business making bagels in the first place, and then getting mad about it. Recently Chicago O'Hare airport edged out Salt Lake City Int'l Airport as the worst-bagel champion. Honorable mention: Paris - my anger that they called that bready torus a bagel is tempered by the fact that it was extremely delicious.
posted by aubilenon at 1:31 PM on July 18, 2018 [8 favorites]
You say that like someone who has never been to the Western United States and has no idea how shitty a bagel can actually be.
One of my hobbies is eating bad bagels in places that don't have any business making bagels in the first place, and then getting mad about it. Recently Chicago O'Hare airport edged out Salt Lake City Int'l Airport as the worst-bagel champion. Honorable mention: Paris - my anger that they called that bready torus a bagel is tempered by the fact that it was extremely delicious.
posted by aubilenon at 1:31 PM on July 18, 2018 [8 favorites]
I just made Instant Pot applesauce
this turned out not to be what I thought it was
One of my hobbies is eating bad bagels in places that don't have any business making bagels in the first place, and then getting mad about it.
Cranberry bagels from the Safeway in Flagstaff, AZ.
posted by the_blizz at 1:39 PM on July 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
this turned out not to be what I thought it was
One of my hobbies is eating bad bagels in places that don't have any business making bagels in the first place, and then getting mad about it.
Cranberry bagels from the Safeway in Flagstaff, AZ.
posted by the_blizz at 1:39 PM on July 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
Paris - my anger that they called that bready torus a bagel is tempered by the fact that it was extremely delicious.
As anyone who has been here for a while knows , I can be a food/drink asshole. I was going to write curmudgeon, but really. Why not be honest.
As I get older I feel, more and more, that we should call things what they are. A martini glass with gin, beef bouillon and a dollop of ketchup on the bottom is not a hamburger martini.
It may very well be delicious (no idea, I just made it up, but I expect to see it in the wild now) but it isn't a martini.
The rest of this may get various knickers in various twists. You have been warned.
A chicago deep dish pizza is not a pizza. It is a tomato and whatever pie. Delicious, but not a pizza. If I want to put my airplane into an Indy 500 race, they will not allow it, no matter how strongly I argue that my airplane is a car. Just because it's fast and it has a driver.
I recently saw a recipe for a pizza made with broccoli in the crust and kale and pesto on top. It looks like... well I can't really tell you what it looks like. Let's say it looks like what come out of the end opposite of the one food goes in. But it sounds delicious. And it isn't a pizza either.
Now as for bagels, I argue thusly:
It's round. It has, sometimes, a hole in the middle. Sometimes it is round and has a dimple on both sides which seem to be a place holder for said hole. It is reasonably crisp outside. It can be dense or fluffy inside. The need for bagels is such that we have to give them some leeway. Or some people, GASP, will never have one. This is important. So people, lets us fight about pizza and martinis. About the temperature of cooked meat or about salting food before tasting it. Taste first damn it! But let us give every town that makes a reasonable facsimile of what YOU call a bagel a break. Montreal, Brooklyn, Paris. Y'all cool. Let us be friends.
P.S. Lender's are not bagels. They are frozen white bread rounds. They are donuts before they are bagels.
posted by Splunge at 3:35 PM on July 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
As anyone who has been here for a while knows , I can be a food/drink asshole. I was going to write curmudgeon, but really. Why not be honest.
As I get older I feel, more and more, that we should call things what they are. A martini glass with gin, beef bouillon and a dollop of ketchup on the bottom is not a hamburger martini.
It may very well be delicious (no idea, I just made it up, but I expect to see it in the wild now) but it isn't a martini.
The rest of this may get various knickers in various twists. You have been warned.
A chicago deep dish pizza is not a pizza. It is a tomato and whatever pie. Delicious, but not a pizza. If I want to put my airplane into an Indy 500 race, they will not allow it, no matter how strongly I argue that my airplane is a car. Just because it's fast and it has a driver.
I recently saw a recipe for a pizza made with broccoli in the crust and kale and pesto on top. It looks like... well I can't really tell you what it looks like. Let's say it looks like what come out of the end opposite of the one food goes in. But it sounds delicious. And it isn't a pizza either.
Now as for bagels, I argue thusly:
It's round. It has, sometimes, a hole in the middle. Sometimes it is round and has a dimple on both sides which seem to be a place holder for said hole. It is reasonably crisp outside. It can be dense or fluffy inside. The need for bagels is such that we have to give them some leeway. Or some people, GASP, will never have one. This is important. So people, lets us fight about pizza and martinis. About the temperature of cooked meat or about salting food before tasting it. Taste first damn it! But let us give every town that makes a reasonable facsimile of what YOU call a bagel a break. Montreal, Brooklyn, Paris. Y'all cool. Let us be friends.
P.S. Lender's are not bagels. They are frozen white bread rounds. They are donuts before they are bagels.
posted by Splunge at 3:35 PM on July 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
One of my hobbies is eating bad bagels in places that don't have any business making bagels in the first place, and then getting mad about it. Recently Chicago O'Hare airport edged out Salt Lake City Int'l Airport as the worst-bagel champion. Honorable mention: Paris - my anger that they called that bready torus a bagel is tempered by the fact that it was extremely delicious.
I have a similar hobby. The worst Mexican food I ever had was in Vientiane, Laos. Although to be fair, I later learned it was tex-mex and maybe it was supposed to taste like that.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 3:50 PM on July 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
I have a similar hobby. The worst Mexican food I ever had was in Vientiane, Laos. Although to be fair, I later learned it was tex-mex and maybe it was supposed to taste like that.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 3:50 PM on July 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
Pumpernickel bagel. Slice in half. Douse open sides liberally with butter, turn face-down on grill until it’s nice & crispy.
Add cream cheese in 1/1 ratio.
There are other ways, yes, but they are all inferior.
posted by Devils Rancher at 3:54 PM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
Add cream cheese in 1/1 ratio.
There are other ways, yes, but they are all inferior.
posted by Devils Rancher at 3:54 PM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
A chicago deep dish pizza is not a pizza.
I understand the sentiment, but you just need to turn it around. Chicago deep dish is the only pizza. Everything else is cheese toast. Don't try to tell me about what they do in Italy. Deep dish is the only pizza worthy of the name.
posted by Daily Alice at 7:08 PM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
I understand the sentiment, but you just need to turn it around. Chicago deep dish is the only pizza. Everything else is cheese toast. Don't try to tell me about what they do in Italy. Deep dish is the only pizza worthy of the name.
posted by Daily Alice at 7:08 PM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
As I’ve gotten older I honestly don’t care what people eat. Do you like it? Cool, whatever, enjoy. We’re all going to die anyway, what the hell do I care that you put blueberries in a ba—wait you did WHAT cinnamon sugar cream ch—YOU MONSTER
posted by Automocar at 7:59 PM on July 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Automocar at 7:59 PM on July 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
I have issues with this topic... believe it or not... I was once a Bagel Baker in a Kosher (Industrial) bakery making bagels for dozens of stores both ours and those who bought our bagels and fresh and frozen (ready to bake). Needless to say... I ate a ****-*** of bagels because they were FREE!!!!! (And I practically made them myself, I was the mix-master.)
Before we go into bagel mania... I was just a stoner working at a bakery,, I've no skin in this game. We did not boil but steam proofed and baked... I think it was the altitude... mile high city and lower temp of boiling water... dunno.
The best bagel is green chili, 1/2 at a time, lightly toasted, with strawberry cream cheese.
Scooping is fine... I've done a lot worse with a bagel.
that was a fun job. lot's of bakery stories.
posted by zengargoyle at 9:40 PM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
Before we go into bagel mania... I was just a stoner working at a bakery,, I've no skin in this game. We did not boil but steam proofed and baked... I think it was the altitude... mile high city and lower temp of boiling water... dunno.
The best bagel is green chili, 1/2 at a time, lightly toasted, with strawberry cream cheese.
Scooping is fine... I've done a lot worse with a bagel.
that was a fun job. lot's of bakery stories.
posted by zengargoyle at 9:40 PM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
I was confused by this article until I realized that Montreal-style bagels aren't the norm for a lot of bagel eaters.
Montreal makes bagel simulacrums. They taste okay and have a similar shape, but if you've had New York bagels from an actual bagel shop before, they're Not Really a New York Bagel.
I've had Real New York Bagels from an actual (very highly rated) bagel shop in NYC, and while quite good, it was no Montreal bagel, that's for sure. Way too fluffy for my liking. I can see why people like them if that's all they've ever known, though.
;)
posted by randomnity at 3:29 PM on July 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Montreal makes bagel simulacrums. They taste okay and have a similar shape, but if you've had New York bagels from an actual bagel shop before, they're Not Really a New York Bagel.
I've had Real New York Bagels from an actual (very highly rated) bagel shop in NYC, and while quite good, it was no Montreal bagel, that's for sure. Way too fluffy for my liking. I can see why people like them if that's all they've ever known, though.
;)
posted by randomnity at 3:29 PM on July 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Here in the mid-Atlantic, where no one brags about our breads, I like the bagels from Bethesda Bagel quite a bit, and would compare them favorably to anything I've had in NYC.
I do not miss Bay Area bagels.
posted by aspersioncast at 5:21 PM on July 23, 2018
I do not miss Bay Area bagels.
posted by aspersioncast at 5:21 PM on July 23, 2018
I do not miss Bay Area bagels.
Hey, I live in the Bay Area and I make a pretty good bagel.
Because I have to.
ಠ_ಠ
posted by aubilenon at 6:35 PM on July 23, 2018
Hey, I live in the Bay Area and I make a pretty good bagel.
Because I have to.
ಠ_ಠ
posted by aubilenon at 6:35 PM on July 23, 2018
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